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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

White Pongo

Dear God, make it stop! Please! I know I am a bad person. I do terrible things and think terrible thoughts! The Marquis de Sade doesn't make me blush, and I idolize Bender B. Rodriguez and Larry, that swingin' lounge lizard who lived above the Three's Company apartment. But even a man as evil as I doesn't deserve any more "jungle adventure" movies comprised almost entirely of bored actors pointing at grainy stock footage! The story this time: a group of explorers plunge into the dark heart of Africa in search of the fabled white gorilla, the supposed missing link between primitive ape and modern man. Except that White Pongo isn't a missing link; he's just a regular gorilla, except with white fur. Read into that whatever racial implications you will. Especially when the white gorilla is proven to be heroic and noble, and thus must defend a white woman against the advances of a nasty, brutish black gorilla.

Most of the movie is, as is par for the course, footage of someone's safari which, by now, is painfully familiar. Are we going to see that shot of an elephant raising its trunk? Check. How about a pacing leopard or something? Oh yeah, we got that, too. And when the movie isn't amazing you with the same stock footage every cheap adventure movie used, it fills itself either with shots of natives dancing around a fire or white guys walking through a jungle set. I love the theory of jungle adventure movies, but the reality is usually less than my imagination delivers. And White Pongo certainly delivers very little.

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Phantom from Space

I would call this one "another snore" if I hadn't watched it immediately after White Pongo. Compared to that slog, Phantom from Space is positively scintillating. Of course, when not judged against White Pongo, the merits of this film are far more dubious, though it gets points for having that sort of misguided and ill-communicated "important message" that so many classic (and less than classic) sci-fi films had. It also has the classic deadpan-yet-excited narrator (if you know the one, then you know the one) talking about "a case from the secret files of the Intelligence Agency, so bizarre it can't be explained!" But after that fun narration, he keeps on talking, giving us times and lat-long coordinates for a crashing UFO. And he just keeps going, making this part of the film sort of like watching the "where are you now" map on long flights. When the spacecraft finally gets around to crashing, the alien stumbles out and 1) happens to be invisible, and 2) accidentally kills someone. This results in the usual string of scenes involving guys in suits stroking their chin and talking about what to do. They really don't get around to doing much of it, but what would you expect from the makers of Killers from Space?

This movie tries pretty hard to be good, and I respect it's attempt to be thoughtful in its treatment of the "guys in suits chase the alien" plot. The alien isn't a villain. He simply can't communicate and doesn't know what the hell is going on with all the guys in hats pointing guns at him. But respecting a movie for trying to be thoughtful, and actually enjoying said movie, are often worlds apart. Such is the case with this one. It suffers, as many of these films do, from being filled almost entirely with scenes of very dull dialog delivered in a very dull fashion by very dull characters. I can roll with it, as I have an affinity for such stuff, but there's really not much here that would cause me to suggest anyone else bother. Unless, of course, you really like 1950s techno-babble delivered in monotone by guys in hats.

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Killers from Space

Wow, I forgot how bad this movie was. I mean, I knew it was bad, but I didn't remember the fact that almost nothing happens for the entire length of the film. About the only thing anyone ever remembers after viewing this film are the space aliens, who are realized by taking regular people, dressing them up in body stockings, then sticking ping ball ball halves over their eyes. They are among the least intimidating alien invaders ever to descend to earth and take up residence in a cave. The film revolves around a scientist (Peter Graves) who disappears, then can't remember where he's been. The government suspects that he was kidnapped and brainwashed or may just be a spy. Under hypnosis and a truth serum, however, he relays a fantastical tale about being abducted by the aforementioned ping-pong ball eye aliens, who want to use his knowledge of atomic sciences to complete their ultimate weapon for the conquest of earth: the ability to radiate bugs and make them larger. What follows is much footage of Peter Graves wandering through a cave set, looking at rear projection of insects. The authorities are slow to believe the testimony despite the truth serum, but when the scientist dashes off to the local power plant, he creates a surge that causes the alien base to blow up. Hooray! One of the mainstays of awful cinema.

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Project: Kill

On numerous occasions I have said that I watch all the crap films, so you guys don't have to. Well get out a big black texta colour and cross Project: Kill off your list. It is absolutely dreadful. Project: Kill is one of a myriad of crap films that Leslie Nielsen made before he found an audience as a comedic actor. Here he stars as John Trevor who works for a covert intelligence group, much like the C.I.A. He used to be one of their best field agents, but now he works as a trainer. The films begins with a group of new recruits watching a training film presented by Trevor. The footage shows an assassination attempt being foiled by an 'interdiction' agent. When I heard this in the film, I didn't know what 'interdiction' meant, so I looked it up in the dictionary. The word seems to have a few meanings, but the one that made the most sense to me was : authoritative prohibition. So I'd guess, relating it to the training film, an interdiction agent has the power and authority to stop an assassination attempt. Let's move on shall we?

Trevor goes on to state 'The only effective method of combating political assassination -- by the interception and destruction of the assassin himself.' So the so-called 'authoritative prohibition' actually means 'killing'. These agents are killers. Next Trevor goes on to explain how these new recruits will become highly trained killing machines. He says:

"YOU will be given vitamins to increase your stamina - chemical injections to expand your mental capabilities -- injections to assist you in both physical and mental control. You'll be programmed to respond instantaneously to any hidden stimulus. YOU will become a reflex -- a highly directed unit of force. YOU will be taught how to use everyday objects as weapons -- everything from a toe nail clipping to a briefcase..."

I don't know about you, but if these guys were being trained to protect me, I'd hope they were armed with more than a nail clipping!

After the briefing Trevor and his number two man, Frank Lassiter (Gary Lockwood) head into an office. Trevor has a headache. He has had enough of the drugs, and enough of the mind control. He wants to quit. He expresses this to Lassiter. Lassiter responds by picking up the phone and ordering a medical detail to come and assess Trevor. Trevor doesn't want to be assessed -- he want's out! So he clocks Lassiter over the head while his back is turned, and then breaks out of the facility and goes on the lam.

When we next meet Trevor, he has arrived in Manilla in the Philippines. This provides an opportunity for some piss-poor travelogue footage. Next, he makes his way to a villa owned by to friends from the old days. One of the men is Wagner (Galen Thompson); the other is Hook (Maurice Downs). Both men used to work for the 'agency', but Wagner lost his legs in an operation. Wagner and Hook provide shelter for the night, and provide money and transport for Trevor to move on.

Meanwhile, a rival oriental agency, headed by Alok Lee (Vic Diaz) know that Trevor is in the Philippines. As Trevor has been a part of the program for so long, they figure he is carrying a lot of valuable information around inside of his head. Lee orders his henchmen to capture Trevor alive. Complicating matters further, the agency that Trevor worked for has sent Frank Lassiter to also bring him in before the headaches and other withdrawal symptoms cause him to become too violent. The film does have it's violent moments courtesy of some poorly choreography martial arts sequences. These scenes are accompanied by equally poor sound effects.

These days, it is hard to take Nielsen seriously, even when watching an older film before his comedy turns. As a comedian, his delivery is usually dry and straight faced. So when he gets lumbered with some ridiculous dialogue, like in Project: Kill it is almost instinctive to think that this is a joke. But it isn't -- mores the pity.

The music by Robert O. Ragland is, in places, overly melodramatic, but generally it is better than this production deserves. The song, 'The Lonely World' is a pretty forgettable lounge number with flute accompaniment.

It's a shame this film is such a stinker, because there may be a good idea hiding under all the crap. When you think about the plot, of chemically controlled assassins, who work for covert agencies controlled by the government, it's hard not to compare it to the recent film The Bourne Ultimatum. Obviously The Bourne Ultimatum was good, whereas this is crap, but there is an interesting seed at the centre of this film. But one good idea, does not make a good film. You can safely skip over Project: Kill.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

The Uranium Conspiracy

Knowing that this film was produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, the two men behind Cannon Films didn’t fill me with hope that this would be a quality production. Added to that, the film has now passed into public domain, so I figured this film is the bastard child that nobody wanted. But all that aside, while The Uranium Conspiracy isn’t a top tier spy film, it is certainly better than a lot of the rubbish I sit through. This is mainly due to the charismatic lead actors, Fabio Testi and Assaf Davan. Their energy keep you watching this film, when by all rights you should have turned it off.

Renzo (Fabio Testi) is a ‘soldier of fortune’; a mercenary if you will. For the last two years his employers have been Mossad, and he has been working undercover at a uranium mine in Zaire. Renzo watches everything and takes notes. He knows that something big is about to happen because a large shipment is going out, and they have received twice the usual price and it has been paid for in advance.

That evening at the Black Sheep Night Club, where topless African dancers writhe around, Renzo is engaged in a ‘stress relief’ session upstairs. He is interrupted, much to his chagrin, by his Mossad contoller, Dan (Assaf Dayan). Renzo passes on the information. Well most of it anyway. He doesn’t give names because he hasn’t been paid yet.

Dan scurries off and relays the information to his chiefs. They agree to pay the money, so Dan and Renzo meet once again, but this time in Venice. Renzo is paid and he says the buyer is a company called Asmara. They have a chemical processing plant in Salzburg, Austria.

This film can’t be faulted for it’s globe trotting quotient. In the first ten minutes we have skipped from Zaire to Venice, and now to Austria. The duo find Asmara’s headquarters, and stakeout the plant all day, seated in their car. Not a single person has entered or left the plant all day till Helga (Janet Agren) finishes her shift. As she is their only lead, Renzo decides to make contact with her (in more ways than one).

Renzo follows her and contrives to talk to her (the answers to a German crossword puzzle). But he is a fast worker, and is soon back at her place and probing her for information. She doesn’t know that much. She works alone, and takes her instructions either by telephone or fax. Her boss is a man called the Baron.

Meanwhile, Dan sneaks into the chemical plant and photographs a few documents. He finds out very little, except the signature on the bottom of the companies documents belongs to the Baron. Ultimately, Renzo and Dan have found out the same thing through different methods. But I’d guess Renzo enjoyed acquiring his information more than Dan.

Using the system that Helga described, Dan and Renzo make an appointment to meet the Baron, but Renzo pretends to be a Saudi Arabian Prince. Their ruse works, and they get into the Baron’s chateau. Once inside, they clobber a few guards and break into the safe. Inside they find the details of the yellow cake shipment. Here the trail branches into two sections. One is a paint factory in Milan, which Dan chooses to investigate. The other is a ship in Amsterdam, which is where Renzo heads.

Unfortunately for Renzo and Dan, because their investigation at the Baron’s chateau was so invasive, the Baron and his men now know that someone is investigating them and there is a information leak. They trace this back to Helga. She tells them about Renzo. Figuring that he will turn up sooner or later in Amsterdam, they drag Helga with them so that she can identify Renzo again, should their paths cross.

Naturally, their paths do cross, and this leads to a pretty good rooftop fight scene. This in turn is followed by a better motor boat chase through the canals of Amsterdam. Sure it’s nothing we haven’t seen before in movies like Live And Let Die or Puppet On A Chain but it is still well staged.

The last third of the film is set on board a freighter carrying the yellow cake. Renzo has managed to get himself captured, and Dan has taken it upon himself to rescue him. Adding to the drama, mines have been planted along the hull of the freighter by Mossad, and they are set to blow.

The Uranium Conspiracy is by no means an 'action classic', but it is vastly better than I expected. The locations are the real star of the show. The travelogue feel of this film is perfect for a Euro-spy film. Scenes are shot against a swag of fantastic European locations, but it never feels like ‘hey we’re in Venice – let’s get as much background footage as we can.’ It’s more a case, of this is where the action happens to take place.

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