1996, United States. Starring: Jason Adelman, Isaac Hayes, Laura Alcalde, Raquel Alessi, Abby Ball, Stan Barrett, Timothy Bottoms, Mark Chadwick, Richard Cumming, Chris Durand, Matthew Flint, Robert Forster, David 'Shark' Fralick, Tim Grimm, Bo Hopkins, Taylor Jones, Desirae Klein, Jason Lustig, Tom McFadden, Zachary McLemon, Leslie Neale, Christopher Ogden, Morgan Paull, Frank Pesce, P.J. Soles, Anne Tremko, Joseph Vitare. Directed by William Lustig.

After finishing this movie (a feat in itself), I realized I'd been way to hard on Jack Frost. That movie is actually pretty good when compared to Uncle Sam.

Somewhere, a group of people were sitting around, probably smoking pot, and one of them said, "You know what would be really scary? A dude dressed as Uncle Sam going around killing people." Thus the movie was born. Obviously, the writers of the film had some issues with those Uncle Sam guys on stilts -- and frankly, that's one thing I agree with them on. What's up with that? Did Uncle Sam walk around during the Revolutionary War on giant stilts, waving and going "Hey there, you limey bastards!" Uncle Sam stilt guys are only slightly less disturbing than clowns and David Bowie.

I really don't know where to begin with this one. It's major downfall is that it isn't a tongue-in-cheek comedy. At least Jack Frost knew better than to take itself seriously. This movie actually comes at you with all sorts of rather heavy-handed preaching (not to mention heavy-handed pacing) about America, freedom of speech, and making war sound like a glorious adventure. It seems like someone had an actual message to deliver. Too bad this was their envelope.

You might wonder why I keep bringing up Jack Frost. Other than just getting a kick out of mentioning Jack Frost as much as possible, and apart from the fact that I rented them both at the same time and watched them back to back (I dare any of you to try and do the same), there are actual other similarities. Both come from A-Pix pictures, which I think might just be Full Moon Productions in disguise. Damnit, a movie like this does not get made without Charles Band being involved!!! Both boxes feature almost identical "holograms of terror." Both suck. But at least Jack Frost was funky enough to be somewhat enjoyable.

Uncle Sam has a real cast, or at least people who, in a better film, might comprise a real cast. B-movie veteran PJ Soles is in it for a few, and my man Isaac Hayes stars as a war vet minus one leg. Haye's presence in the film created the only real tension. We desperately wanted him to live and were on the edge of our seats wondering if Isaac would beat the odds and make it to the end. This isn't even a function of the "black man must always die" thing horror films get tagged with; it's more a function of my expectation that any big name star costs too much to employ for the entire film, so they are killed off first. Dispatch with Roddy McDowell and leave us with 80 minutes of Clu Gulager.

Luckily for the makers of Uncle Sam, Isaac had lost most of his money to the IRS and other tools of The Man. It was before he was mining South Park gold, so I guess he worked pretty cheap to pay the bills.

So what we have here is a movie where some asshole gets killed by "friendly fire" during the Gulf War. They finally find his body and ship it back to his hometown, where his wife and sister commiserate about what an abusive sumbitch he was. His sisters creepy son, however, idolizes his dead uncle and spends a lot of time trying to open the coffin.

This goes on for about 40 minutes. Yes, nearly half the film is spent in the living room. Occasionally Isaac Hayes limps in to give a speech about the horrors of war. The boy, who is like a frail, sickly version of Henry Thomas from ET, has bad "1970s kid" hair even though this movie was made in 1996. I thought he was freaky, but things got even worse when they introduced his doughy, blind friend. More on that later.

Meanwhile, Jody is busy being all clammy and creepy and arguing with his teacher about military service. Wait a second. Where the hell do these people live. In the movie, the Fourth of July is in just a couple days, and they're still in school? Jeez, that sucks. I guess this really is a horror movie.

Eventually, the corpse gets it's lazy ass around to rising from the grave, or at least from the coffin. It took him 40 minutes to do that, and he didn't even have to claw his way up out of the ground. What a bum. Anyway, the best I can come up with is that he rises from the grave because ... well, fuck it. Point is, he's dead and decayed and ready to kick some commie ass. First he goes after some flag burning neo-nazi teens. No wait, first he goes after an Uncle Sam guy on stilts. This guy uses his position as the town's official "Uncle Sam Guy on stilts" to look into women's windows while they are undressing. Somehow, I think there less conspicuous ways to peep than on stilts while wearing a shiny red, white, and blue outfit. Even dull people tend to notice things like that.



Anyway, Sam offs Sam and takes his costume. Why? Because this movie is called Uncle Sam. And the zombie's name is Sam, and he's the kid's uncle. You see where I am going with this?



After the peeping tom and the teenagers, Sam shows up at the 4th of July parade, where he offs a draft-dodging teacher, a crooked lawyer, a greedy politician, some pot smoking teen, and another Nazi youth kid who was bullying people in a potato sack race.



Yes, the "Potato Sack Bully" is right up there with the "Sled-Ridin' Gang" from Jack Frost. These vicious gangs must be stopped! And luckily, a serial killin' snowman and a zombie dressed up like Uncle Sam are ready for the job.



Most of the murders take place off camera because they can't afford to stage any special effects.



Later on, Sam kills a cop who was dating his wife. Creepy hero, Jody, learns about Sam's true nature as an abuser, rapist, and incestuous child molester. This pasty blind kid shows up (he was maimed in a bizarre fireworks accident) and all of a sudden has a psychic ability to sense where Sam is. At first it seemed like Sam and the doughboy were pals. But I guess they aren't as he and the creepy kid seek the aid of Isaac Hayes, who steals a Revolutionary War cannon to use against Sam.



This movie takes itself way too seriously. I mean, the guy is dressed like Uncle Sam. But everything is buried under mountains of rhetoric about the horrors of war, the corruption of America, and other such lofty things. It's a message best not delivered by a murderous zombie dressed as Uncle Sam. But even worse than that is the fact that most of this movie consists of people sitting around. I'm a patient man, but sometimes, enough is enough.



Isaac Hayes does what he can. Too bad he didn't write the score. The creepy kid, Jody, is pretty flat, but he's no worse than any other kid. Still, he's pretty far up on my Ichirometer (Ichiro being the little kid from Godzilla's Revenge and the living embodiment of everything an annoying little kid should be). The doughy boy is even creepier. And why was he so wise all of a sudden?



This movie really sucks. It's not even much fun. I would definitely rather watch Jack Frost. Hell, I'd rather watch any of the Leprechaun movies than ever suffer through Uncle Sam again. But perhaps this movie will make you question blind patriotism, hero worship, and the corruption of America.



It made me question what the hell I'd been thinking when I picked it up at the video store.

Labels: Horror: Just Plain Weird, Horror: Slashers, Year: 1996