1974, Italy/Hong Kong. Starring Lo Lieh, Lee Van Cleef, Femi Benussi, Erika Blanc, Ricardo Palacios, Goyo Peralta, Georges Rigaud, Patty Shepard, Al Tung, Julian Ugarte, Karen Yeh. Directed by Antonio Margheriti

Now how do you come up with this one? I really don't know, though I'm glad they did. The plot to this East Meets Wild West kungfu spaghetti Western is only the beginning of the delirium that it assaults us with. Things just keep getting stranger and more over-the-top, and I have a feeling a goodly amount of hashish was available to those dreaming up this absolutely ludicrous and thoroughly enjoyable romp.

For about one week, Lo Lieh was the biggest thing in martial arts films. When Five Fingers of Death opened in America, it was a smash hit, and the sour-looking hero was an overnight sensation. Then Bruce Lee came along, and Americans realized you could have a kungfu hero who was bad-ass and beautiful, so Lo Lieh's five seconds in the limelight were over.

Luckily, the Italians didn't forget about the Shaw Brothers martial arts superstar. They called upon his skill as an actor and all-around bad-ass for this film, co-starring alongside the baddest man to ever stroll through the Western genre, Lee Van Cleef. This website digs Lee Van Cleef. Even though he made that Master Ninja crap alongside such big-time martial artists as Timothy Van Patton, Demi Moore, and Crystal Bernard, no one here holds that against him because he is just so god-damned cool.

When I first saw The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly it was Van Cleef's sadistic character, Angel Eyes, that was my favorite. He was so subtle and so evil without even seeming like it. Westerns starring Lee are always my favorites, and I regularly devour such gems as Sabata, For a Few Dollars More, and Death Rides a Horse.

Here, he plays his usually character, which is a sly and charismatic gambler/gunslinger. His first moment in this film is utterly priceless, as he does the classic "disappearing in the steam" exit to befuddle some railroad lackey. From there, he promptly sets out to rob the bank.

Also in town is a diminutive Chinese man who seems to have sexy mistresses scattered all over America. Each woman gets to show off her healthy, 1970s unscrawny booty during this whole opening montage. Ahhh, those were the days. Back when a woman had a little meat on her and no one was all upset about it. This age of heroin-overdose looking supermodels must end. Give me some back any day over those flat non-rumps people seem to dig.

Anyway, the Chinese guy catches on that Van Cleef is about to rob the bank, and runs over there to keep him away from some valuable stuff. Unfortunately, he runs in right when Lee's dynamite goes off. Then, The Law shows up, and Van Cleef is charged with murder when all he really wanted to do was rob the bank. And the kicker -- all that was in the vault was a fortune cookie and pictures of the guy's naked mistresses.

Meanwhile, over in China, we find out that this old Chinese guy was a relative of Lo Lieh's. The Chinese government (which was actually Manchurian at the time) is pissed that old Wang died without telling them what he did with all the money he took with him to America. The send Lo Lieh to find it so he can repay the government. If within one year, he isn't back with the loot, his family will be killed.

Back to America we go, where Lee Van Cleef is about to be hanged for murder. Lo Lieh shows up, finds out he was the last one to see his uncle alive, and saves him. Together they ride off to solve the mystery of the missing treasure.

And here's where the plot really kicks in. Old Wang tattooed clues to finding the treasure on the butts of each of his mistresses. Yes, to find the booty, you must find the booty. And that, my friends, is the plot of this film. Lo Lieh and Lee Van Cleef ride around looking at women's asses. Nice work if you can get it.

Of course, it's not all fun and games. They are pursued by a crazy religious fanatic who has a mobile church tied to a team of horses! And he has one of those standard issue sidekicks: the giant super-strong native American dude. The black-clad Deacon wants the treasure so he can build a real church and expand his heretic-murdering business.

All sorts of wild stuff ensues, peppered by healthy doses of comedy. The soundtrack is lame, and every time Lo Lieh jumps, he makes a sound exactly someone messing around on a slide whistle. I guess that's one of them Shaolin powers we hear so much about, the ability to go, "Whooolooloolooloo!" when you jump. He should team up with David Chiang and his "Chooka chooka choo!" sound effect from Seven Blows of the Dragon. That would sound nice.

The dippy soundtrack is my only complaint about this film. Everything else rocks me like a hurricane. Most of the action consists of Lo Lieh beating up unsuspecting whities. He espouses a little Confucian wisdom and knows acupuncture, which is more or less par for the course. Lee Van Cleef mostly sits back and enjoys the show, occasionally shooting someone. I guess he has this job where he gets to ride around with a seemingly indestructible kungfu dynamo, looking at women's asses, and collecting treasure at the end. What's not to enjoy? I wish I was Lee Van Cleef, only still alive.

There are no great kungfu battles, since no one else Lo Lieh beats up knows kungfu, but there is plenty of action culminating in a totally wild finale in which Lo Lieh's new love (a Chinese woman, formerly one of the ass women) is suspended above a raging fire while Lo Lieh fights the big native American guy and Lee Van Cleef rides around with a Gatling gun shooting up everything in sight!

A lot less grim than the violent Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe, and more along the lines of the wacky Joe sequel, Return of Shanghai Joe, this is one hell of a film. Plenty of kungfu action, bad funk music, naked asses galore (yay!), shootin', punchin', kickin', drinkin', gamblin', and everything else that makes life -- and this film -- great!

Labels: Martial Arts: Kungfu, Spaghetti Westerns, Stars: Lo Lieh, Year: 1974