1972, Japan. Starring Hiroshi Ishikawa, Tomoko Umeda, Yuriko Hishimi, Minoru Takashima, Zan Fujita, Kanta Ina, Kunio Murai, Haruo Nakajima, Toshiaki Nishzawa, Koetsu Omiya, Kenpachiro Satsuma. Directed by Jun Fukuda. Buy it from Amazon.

Depending on your opinion, either the 1970s were not kind to Godzilla, or fans are not kind to the Godzilla of the 1970s. The films of that era are often dismissed as cheap, poorly made, and generally pathetic or childish. Godzilla was in full "super-hero" mode. Little kids in micro-shorts were running wild, but not nearly so in control as they were in the old Gamera films. A lot of serious Godzilla fans hang their heads in shame at the mere mention of some of these titles.

Well, nothing in the world of film pisses me off more than a serious fan, someone who wrings out every ounce of enjoyment from a movie and looks at it with most bitter of critical eyes. They turn their noses up at the "kiddie" films of the 1970s, forgetting all the while that the reason they seem so childish is because, well, they were made for kids, you nerd! They weren't made for some college drop-out film geek to analyze frame by frame on his DVD player while counting down the minutes until he once again has to jack off to the La Blue Girl cartoons.

Here at Teleport City, we stand in firm and unwavering defense of the Godzilla of the 1970s. Sure the films were cheap. The special effects were not up to the high standard set by the 1960s productions. The plots were often ludicrous at best. But more important to me is the fact that the films are a tremendously fun time. They are full of vibrant colors, outlandish aliens, monster wrestling, and plenty of good old fashioned destruction. As a lad, I grew up on the Godzilla films of the 1970s, and perhaps that, more than any other reason, is why I love them so dearly and totally do not relate to the contempt with which they are viewed by many people.

There are three films that often battle for the title "worst Godzilla film of all time," and predictably enough, I unconditionally love all three of them. Far and away the most hated film in the series is Godzilla's Revenge, but we will get to that film in due time. The other two films vying for the position are Godzilla Versus Megalon and Godzilla Versus Gigan, both of which feature Gigan, a cool cyborg monster with a buzzsaw in his belly!

Godzilla Versus Gigan begins with the wacky exploits of a frustrated comic book artist who is offered a job by a strange corporation. Their plan is to build replicas of all the monsters on Earth, then kill the real ones off. That way, people can come see the monsters and ride roller coasters out of their mouths, but there will be no real danger to humanity, and as a result, we will enter a golden age of peace and harmony or something. I love me a good roller coaster, and though I don't know if amusement parks are the key to global harmony, I'm certainly willing to give it a try. And although I would hate to see all the Earth's monsters killed, those plans for a giant monster themed fun park sure sounded like a good idea.

Sure enough, though, the corporate guys aren't totally friendly. Nor are they totally human. Yes, once again, we are the target of marauding invaders from space. These guys were all over the place during the 1970s. But just because they are here to conquer us and set up a peaceful Eden doesn't mean they can't take time out to build a giant replica of Godzilla. You know that thing is getting smashed by the Big G before the credits roll.

There are certain things in these sorts of films that are givens. For example, the bad guys will always tie up the hero and explain the whole plan for world domination -- making certain to highlight all the possible pitfalls and weak links in the plan. Then, while they are watching one of those rounded-corner TV screens, the hero will somehow manage to loosen his bonds. We accept this. It's a time-honored convention. But these are the only villains who not only explain their plan in detail, but actually present charts, graphs, and a short documentary on the subject. In that sense, their disguise as corporate cogs and middle managers is perfect. If you made this film today, they would come armed with a lengthy PowerPoint presentation.

The dashing comic artist and his cute karate-trained girlfriend team up with a chubby hippie guy and a disgruntled woman who used to work for the sinister corporation. Together, they intend to stick it to the aliens. Okay, so maybe it's not the elite team we'd hope would combat marauding aliens if ever they came to Earth. I mean, A cartoonist, his checkerboard-dress wearing karate girlfriend, the corn-lovin' hippie, and the marketing woman team up to fight the aliens disguised as amusement park owners. All they need is a dog and a van covered with flowers, and you have a whole different series.

Anyway, I'll take a cartoonist and his karate girl, a hippie, and a disgruntled woman any day over a squeaky kid in micro-shorts.

The aliens decide to raze the Earth because, well, why the hell not? Foolish ETs. Don't they know we humans have a guardian? That guardian is Godzilla. And to a lesser extend, Angilas.

The aliens send Gigan out to smash things up. Gigan looks cool, but you have to question the hand design there. The hook looks tough and all, but you'd think at some point some fingers would come in handy. Maybe one hand and one big hook or something. Anyway, Gigan gets a little help from everybody's favorite three-headed dragon thing, the mighty King Ghidrah, who has certainly looked mightier in previous days. In this film, it looks like they found the costume out in the alley and were like, "Remember this old dude? Let's use him one last time!" Ghidrah has certainly seen better days. It was like watching Andre the Giant during the end of his wrestling career when he was having really bad health problems. Or watching Ric Flair now.

Anyway, the big advantage for the heroes is that neither evil monster has any damn hands.

So you have your teams: Godzilla and Angilas versus Gigan and Ghidrah, and on the mid-card, hip Japanese heroes versus the square corporate aliens. Look at it as a counter-culture sort of thing. The fringe fighting back against a massive corporation that wants to impose global homogeneity, "peace" corporate style and at the expense of free thought. Godzilla, the living breathing creature versus a heartless cyborg. For some reason, I don't know if I would bet the farm on the writers of this script wanting to make a "Freaks versus The Man" movie, but what the hell? The glory of film studies is I can make any damn shit up I want. And the leader of the aliens does have a Bill Gates haircut.

This film has lots of other little gems. Like the fact that Godzilla talks. Yes indeed. He and Angilas gab to one another before swimming to Japan to beat alien ass. I think this only happens in the dubbed version. But get this: in the original Japanese version, I hear they actually spoke in comic book word bubbles! I have never seen the original Japanese version, but that sounds pretty amazing.

All in all, this movie is not the best written film in the world. It doesn't have the best special effects I've ever seen. That honor goes to Plan 9 from Outer Space. And sure, a lot of scenes may be stock footage from superior films like Rodan and Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster. And yes, I see the point of the many people who look at this film as if it was a piece of doggy poo. I just don't agree with them. You got lots of monster action. You got aliens. You got a beautiful karate kicking lady. You got hippies and comic book nerds saving the planet. And you have no annoying little kids in micro-shorts. When I was little, I was utterly enthralled by the Technicolor madness that is Godzilla Versus Gigan. Twenty years after I first saw it, I'm just as happy. Never mind the bullocks. Embrace Godzilla Versus Gigan.

This film was also released under the title Godzilla on Monster Island, which only makes sense, seeing how al the action takes place nowhere near Monster Island. Still, you catch a glimpse of the place for about ten seconds, so there you go. Also, nerd point: Kenpachiro Satsuma plays Gigan the monster. He also played Hedorah in Godzilla Versus the Smog Monster, but is best known as the ultra-cool man beneath the Godzilla suit in every film since Godzilla 1985. Now take that tidbit with you to the next convention, and hardcore fans will go, "Tell me something I don't know, Chappy. Hey look! A girl in a Sailor Moon outfit!" which is better than what I saw. Imagine a two-hundred fifty pound hairy comic geek in a Japanese school girl outfit. *Shudder*

Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 1972