1984, United States. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Tracey Walter, Sarah Douglas, Olivia d'Abo. Directed by Richard Fleischer. Available on DVD (Amazon).

With the success of Conan the Barbarian, a genre was born. Nay, not a genre -- a lifestyle! Both Scott and I have fond memories of how these early 1980s barbarian movies shaped our lives, taught us the skill of pretending to be asleep so you can sneak in some cable TV watching, honed our talent for watching R-rated movies through the wavy lines of a scrambled premium channel. These days, they just blank it out entirely, which is sad. Where is the opportunity for victory, to meet the challenge head-on? How will kids these days train their eyes to filter out the flicker, to jiggle the switch on the cable box until you find a position that actually makes the channel come in relatively clearly?

Gone are these days, blown away like sand by the winds of memory. They are, like the days of ancient barbarians themselves, merely things of the past. Gone is the thrill, the feeling of empowerment that came from being ten years old and figuring out a way to jeuryrig a cable box so that we could catch a glimpse of barbarians, boobs, and bloodshed. Damn the digital era! The days of analog were so much more adventurous.

I'd like to point out that I grew up watching horribly violent and sometimes perverse films. I saw men run through on spears, heads lopped from their neck in great sprays of blood. I saw medieval orgies, monsters, and every form of brutality low-budget films could throw at me. And you know what? Not once, even during my days of punk rock persecution in high school, did I entertain the thought of killing anyone. Not once did I get the impression that it was okay to shoot my sister with a triple-bladed flying sword. Not once did I think anything at all in the movies was even remotely real. I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not violent films breed violent people, but I do want to point out that if you're not insane in the first place, and you learn the difference between right and wrong, strength and weakness, real and make-believe, it's generally fairly easy not to go on a killing spree as a result of a book, movie, or anything short of a Slayer record, which of course, always overpowers me with the might of Big Sugardaddy Lucifer.

I also played Dungeons and Dragons in middle school and high school, which is why I know about Keep on the Borderlands and can reference it whenever the opportunity arises. And I never forgot that it was just a game and I wasn't really a dwarf with a magic hammer plus two. So as a public service announcement from Teleport City, let me tell all our young readers that movies are not real except for Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai. And if it is a movie based on a true story or actual person, then it's probably doubly untrue.

Anyway, with the barbarian horde of imitators that followed in the sandaled footsteps of Conan, it seemed only natural that the makers of the first film would attempt a sequel. But right away, there were problems. For starters, the first film was so good because it had a huge budget (for the time) and a good director in John Milius. The guy helped write films like Apocalypse Now and Jaws. The first film also had the writing talents of Oliver Stone, who frankly, I think sucks as a director but does have some sort of writing talent buried deep within his drug-fried brain.

For this sequel they scored director Richard Fleischer, whose last two movies were the lame Rocky rip-off Tough Enough (not to be confused with the Fabulous Thunderbirds song that was popular around the same time) and the abysmal Amityville 3D. There's no doubt that the man has fantasy film credentials, having done such films as 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Fantastic Voyage, but what do those films have in common that they don't have in common with Conan the Barbarian? That's right, they're Disney (or Disney-like) family adventures, not gory barbarian movies. Don't get me wrong, the man's done some good films, even some great ones, but it's all pretty tame compared to what people expect from sword and sorcery films. It's like hiring John Woo to direct slapstick comedies ... oops, they did that already, didn't they? Or how about Lucio Fulci directing a children's film ... oh yeah, White Fang. Or Roland Emmerlich to direct anything. Uh-oh. Okay, so the world is full of stupid ideas.

Also working against the film was the taming of the barbarian genre. While the early days were highlighted by horrific gore, nudity, and brutality, by the time Conan the Destroyer limped onto the scene, things were settling down and expected to be PG-13. The days of high adventure were becoming complex and civilized. Bah! Since Arnold Schwarzenegger was becoming a household name no one could spell, he was interested in softening the brutality of the film as well. Face it, barbarians should not be family friendly. I mean, they storm your home and everything. They burn it down, dance on the ashes, and pillage your neighborhood. There's nothing family friendly about that.

Of course, Arnold did make Commando a year later, which remains his goriest, most violent film to date. It also features the highest number of guys with automatic weapons shooting at a huge slow-moving guy in a wide open space yet still missing him by a Kentucky mile. Still, if you haven't seen Commando, as silly as it is, you should, because it's really one of the last over-the-top violent mainstream movies to have squeaked by before the days of censorship (or at least severe pressure) set in.

In order to pull off family-friendly barbarians (and yes, I know that only a warped individual like myself would consider this movie family fare, but try to keep it in perspective based on what the first film was like), the writers decided to ditch the relatively serious epic feel of the first film and churn out a quick slapstick comedy that works more as a spoof of Conan than an actual movie. Gone are the cool sidekicks like Valeria and Subotai. In their place are a bunch of comic relief jokers lead by Tracey Walter, best known at the time as Frog from the short-lived television show Best of the West. The supporting cast also includes Grace Jones, whose popularity will forever be one of the great mysteries of the 1980s. Mako returns as the wizard, but he's played up for even more laughs than before.

Gone too are the cool villains. There is no James Earl Jones with his booming voice leading an army of Spinal Tap looking warriors. It's actually uncanny just how much the two main warriors fighting for Thulsa Doom look like members of Spinal Tap. In their place we get a rather bland Wilt Chamberlain and a standard issue evil queen with a British accent.

Wilt wasn't originally supposed to be in the movie, but when they couldn't find another bodybuilder with enough acting skill to stand against the might that is Arnold, they went with Wilt, which is certainly better than, say, Kareem Abdul-Jabar or Larry Bird. Wilt took time out from scoring 30,000 points in basketball and scoring with 20,000 women in bed to make this movie, and even though his character is dull as dishwater, he does a fair job with what he's given. What I want to know is why, with all the bodybuilders running around in loincloths during the early 1980s, they couldn't find one to be in this movie. I mean, sure they weren't good actors, but the Bambaata character has maybe half a dozen lines, and the rest is just swinging a big pick ax thing and wearing a nine-foot-long Bob Marley wig.

About the only thing this film did right was cast Arnold in the lead role once again, and snag Basil Poledouris to do the soundtrack, though his work here, while good, falls leagues short of his majestic, powerful score for the original film.

We begin with Conan and his comedy sidekick Malak (Walter) praying at the stone alter Conan built to honor Valeria, his one true love who was killed in the first film. They are set upon by a group of warriors who, of course, get soundly thrashed. The movie tips its hand right away, as this fight is a far cry from the blood-drenched, realistic fight scenes in the first film. Instead, it's a fight scene apparently choreographed by the same people who did a lot of the Monkees fight scenes. Of course, it turns out to be a test to "see if Conan is as good as they say he is." You know, people always have that test, and the guy is always as good as they say, and it results in like half a dozen guys getting killed just to test out a theory. They could do something like, "I need to know if you are as good as they say you are. Here, fight this gorilla in unarmed hand to hand combat," and if he can beat the gorilla, then he's probably pretty good. If he can't beat the gorilla, then kill him and let the gorilla go on your quest.

The warriors are lead by a beautiful queen named Tamaris, and right away you can tell she's evil because she has an attractive but pointy face and speaks in a British accent even though no one else has a British accent. Conan has his Austrian accent of course, but that's not a sure sign of evil unless he also has a monacle. Queen Tamaris is played by Sarah Douglas, who has a pretty long career in cult films, appearing such hits as Quest of the Delta Knights, Puppetmaster III, Beastmaster II, and more recently as the snotty military woman in Return of the Living Dead III. She's probably best known for kicking Superman's ass while being much sexier than the hoarse-voiced, chain-smoking Lois Lane as played by Margot Kidder in Superman II. During the 1980s, if you needed a beautiful and treacherous woman, Sarah was your man. So to speak.

Her primary henchman is Bambaata, played by the towering lover of ten thousand women, Wilt Chamberlain. Despite the fact that the two guys who played the main henchmen in the first film didn't utter a line (actually, I think one of them says, "You! Raaaaaarrrr!" at one point), they seem far more interesting and developed than Wilt's character here. She wants to hire Conan, the legendary king of thieves, to steal a precious jewel. How can you be known far and wide as the king of thieves? I mean, if everyone knows you're a thief, then you're obvious not very good at it. Shouldn't they not know who the king of thieves is? It's like if everyone knew you were an assassin, well then you wouldn't get very far in your profession. I don't know. I'm not really a king of thieves, so I am not sure how the whole thing works.

Conan is a lot nakeder in this film than he was in previous films, relying primarily on his loin cloth over the old leather britches and furs from the last film. I know Arnold's buff and shiny, but strutting to and from in nothing but a nutsack doesn't give you many places to hide all the valuables you should be stealing as acting king of thieves ... unless those stories about what steroids do to your "manhood" are true, in which case I guess Conan has ample room in his loin cloth for a sapphire or two. But I'm not going to be the one to walk up to Arnold, no matter what he's wearing, and ask him if he has a shriveled pee-pee.

Conan and Malek are to accompany Bambaata and the young Princess Jehnna on the quest. Jehnna is played by Olivia d'Abo. Devastatingly cute, of course, and best known for her role on the television show The Wonder Years as the wannabe hippy older sister, but about as interesting as, well, to be fair, the princess in the last movie. Beautiful young princesses were a dime a dozen back in the old days. The big difference is that in the first film, the princess wasn't a main character and only had about two-minutes of on-screen whine time. Olivia goes on for the entire film. Tamaris' real plan is to use the jewel to resurrect their god, Dagoth (an actual ancient god, by the way), with Jehnna serving as the virgin sacrifice along the way.

Conan really isn't into the job, being a man of the world and all who likes to trod the lands of the earth beneath his sandaled feet, or something like that. But when the queen promises to reincarnate Valeria, Conan is snared. Hey, no one ever accused the guy of being a genius. he probably falls for that "watch me remove my thumb" trick also. "What sorcery is this that lets you take the tip of your thumb off?!?!"

Conan's first order of business is to hook up with his old friend Akiro the wizard (Mako), who is about to be eaten by cannibals in yet another comedy bit that hearkens back to some of the finer jungle adventures of Betty Boop. This is pretty weird since Richard Fleischer is the son of Max Fleischer, the creator of such things as ... Betty Boop! Then it's off to a town where they pick up yet another member of the team, the warrior(ess) Zula (a scrawny Grace Jones). Jones, with all the muscular presence of a pipe cleaner, is a far cry from the warrior woman Valeria played by Sandahl Bergman in the first film. At least Sandahl could believably kick someone's ass. Grace Jones will forever be a waifish Stuio 54 loser puttering around on a Honda scooter with Adam Ant.

Hollywood has a long history of wanting to feature a physically strong female character then casting a 90-pound model in the role. It looks goofy every time. Kylie Minogue as a street fighting bad-ass? Pencil-thin Milla Jovovich as a kungfu powerhouse? At least Lucy Lawless has a little meat on her to make the ass kicking believable. Maybe if they ever make a third Conan film, they can cast the WWF's Chyna in the lead female role. I already hear they're considering the WWF's Rocky Maivia for the role of Conan.

Again, the entire entourage is there for comic relief. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not, but it's certainly not as interesting or effective as the trio of Conan, Subotai, and Valeria from the first film. They were all developed and likeable. This time around Conan is almost a supporting character, and at the forefront of the action are a bunch of insufferably annoying comedy characters. The princess is grating, Malak is annoying, Wilt is just plain dull, and Grace Jones spends the movie shrieking like a wild woman. But maybe at this point I should just stop comparing it to the first film, because there is really no point. One is an epic adventure film, the other is a modest costumed comedy.

Now that we have the children assembled, we can finally begin the field trip. Things immediately go awry when the princess is kidnapped by a wizard who turns into an animated bird made of mist. It's a pretty cool special effect, but it leads to the worst effect in the film, which we'll come to shortly. Conan and crew invade the wizard's crystal castle, which culminates in the wizard turning into one of the monsters from the Power Rangers. Seriously, this special effect looks on par with what I was pulling off at the time, and I was twelve years old. It looks like a halloween mask you'd buy at Wal-Mart.

Part of what made the first film interesting was that the whole sorcery thing was downplayed and very much in the background. Sure, there was a weird sexy witch Conan had to sex up, and James Earl Jones did turn into a snake, but for the most part the movie drew its strength from the characters and the human bloodshed. This time it's a lot more fantastical and, as a result, a lot goofier. Anyway, Conan beats the monster in a very lame fight. Hooray.

They snag the magic jewel from the wizard's castle, which Conan then learns will be used to unlock yet another treasure, a sacred horn. This is the point where Billy Dee Williams would go, "This deal keeps getting worse," but Conan's thoughts are more along the lines of, "Conan like peanuts," and "Hmm, fire hot!" When Conan is attacked by the queen's own elite guard in a nearby forest, he begins to get suspicious. Luckily, he's dumb as toast. While recovering from the battle, Conan gets drunk and utters one of the few genuinely funny lines in the whole film.

Jehnna: "I suppose nothing hurts you."

Conan: "Only pain."

Okay, so they have their comedy bit and can now use the gem they took from the Power Rangers monster to get the sacred Horn of Dagoth. Akiro reads the writing on the wall (literally) and discovers that Dagoth is actually a right angry god who will destroy the world if brought back to life. Conan is only interested in reviving his lost Valeria. Some more sword fodder and another wizard show up to prevent them from taking the horn, resulting in another one of the funnier moments in the film, when Conan interrupts the philosophical debate between the wizards by shouting "Enough talk!" then throwing his knife into some guard's neck (bloodlessly, of course).

Conan and company escape the wizard and his useless elite guard -- does anyone have an elite guard that is actually any good? -- but are soon betrayed by Bombaata, who grabs the horn and the princess (by all accounts, Wilt is well versed in the art of grabbing virgins and large sticky-up phallic things), then leaves Conan and everyone else trapped in a cave. Of course, Conan is this huge guy, so he doesn't really have a hard time moving the rocks out of the way. At this point, you can amuse yourself by pretending it's actually Conan O'Brian wearing the loin cloth and fighting Wilt Chamberlain. Or that it's Andy Richter.

By this time, even Conan has figured out that Tamaris probably isn't going to actually bring Valeria back from the dead, so he and his merry band ride to Shadazar, the realm of Queen Tamaris, where they have some more comedy before finally having the big battle. It's a pretty big let-down for the most part, after the cool and gory battle that ended the original film. Oh wait, I was going to not compare the two, right? Okay, so anyway, Conan fights Bambaata, then has to fight the resurrected Dagoth, who is a pretty cool looking toothy monster. I guess they spent all the money on Dagoth, which is why that other monster looked so silly. Still, considering he is a two-legged monster that stands about fifteen feet tall and can only kill you by tearing you apart or chewing on you, I really don't see how he's going to plunge the entire world into chaos and darkness. Sure, you wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley or a wrestling ring, but on the grand scale of things, it's going to take a single monster of average size decades to plunge even a single realm into darkness, let alone the whole world.

It doesn't really matter that Dagoth will never actualize his goal, will never conquer the millions he was supposed to -- sort of like most internet companies -- because Conan is there to kick the god's ass anyway (if only Conan was present here in Silicon Alley kicking some stupid dotcom CEO ass). so he beats the monster, saves the princess, and kills all the evil people who were in need of killing. He manages to ditch his entire band of clowns by getting them posh government jobs with Jehnna's new, not evil regime. It probably makes Conan pretty happy that he can unhitch these jokers and get back to doing some serious trekking. Conan himself is offered a position of power next to Jehnna, but this is Conan, and he must trod the lands of the earth beneath is sandaled feet and all that. And as with the last film, this one ends with a promise of more adventures to come. We're still waiting.

I've been pretty rough on this film, primarily because it was such a disappointment after the first film. There was really no reason to spoof the character and sell it as a sequel, but they did. Taken on it's own, the movie is a mildly amusing goofball adventure that fails to really generate much interest in itself. The characters are silly to annoying, the action is tame and uninteresting, and the music falters in many spots. It does have the same basic structure as an old sword and sandal film, but by the 1980s, we expected more blood and guts from our barbarians, and this film's attempts to be a PG adventure film undermine it. It's too "barbarian" to appeal to your average family, and it's too weak to appeal to heavy metal fans.

Not everything in the film is horrible. There are a few funny moments, and the monster at the end is pretty cool, but for the most part, this is a sequel that shouldn't have been made. Still, it's much better than Red Sonja, but so is grabbing tacos out of a deep fryer. As you burn your hand beyond recognition, all you can think is why are there tacos in the deep fryer. Maybe they could deep fry has-been 1980s one-hit wonder Taco...

Anyway, enough about deep frying tacos. Taken as a stupid comedy that has more in common with a Screaming Mad George film than Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer is a harmless way to waste ninety minutes of your life. Placed in the context of a sequel to Conan the Barbarian, this film is pretty miserable and cheap looking. Sure, it's not Deathstalker III miserable, and it's still a lot better than watching an Ator marathon, but the whole thing is just, well, disappointing. I hear it's mroe in tune with the kiddie-friendly Marvel comic book than the old pulp novels, and you can probably guess which one I prefer. I just don't think barbarian films should be family fare. I mean, kids have Pagemaster and all that shit. Leave our bloody barbarian movies alone! I don't watch the Disney cartoon Sword in the Stone and demand more orgy scenes. But I guess by 1984, the Reagan era was in full swing, wildly violent action films were fast dying off unless they involved the slaying of Commies.

Rumors of a third Conan film are almost as persistent as rumors about a second Buckaroo Banzai film or a fourth George Romero living dead film. Given the downward spiral Arnold's career has taken with his last several movies, it might be easier now to entice him back into the role one last time. However, recent rumors about a third Conan film have the WWF wrestler Rocky Maivia taking on the role. This is all speculation as far as I can tell, but either way, it's unlikely that a third Conan film would be very good given the current trend of infusing 21st century in-your-face wit and "cleverness" into characters from times long ago. A new Conan film would be about as similar to the original as, say, the big-budget remake of The Mummy was to the original. Something about Conan battling tons of computer animation and probably doing that thing where they jump and are frozen in mid-air so the camera can rotate around them (when the hell are people going to get tired of that effect? You'd think after it showed up in a TGI Fridays commercial, it was over and done with, but X-Men seems to use it in every other scene) isn't pleasing. Perhaps Conan is best left trodding the earth and all that.

Conan the Destroyer was silly enough to signal the end of the sword and sorcery genre, just as Conan the Barbarian was cool enough to signal the beginning. I guess in a way, that is fitting. Dozens more sword and sorcery films were made even after Conan the Destroyer destroyed the genre's coolest character, but those were stragglers that mostly ended up going direct to video, not unlike the legion of glam metal bands that came around in, say 1988, and just missed the boat. In a way, Conan the Destroyer is the Danger Danger or Enuf z'nuf of the sword and sorcery world.

But that is another story...

Labels: Director: Richard Fleischer, Fantasy: Sword and Sorcery, Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Year: 1984