1983, Italy. Starring Violeta Cela, Andrea Occhipinti, Jorge Rivero, Conrado San Martin, Gioia Scola, Sabrina Siani. Directed by Lucio Fulci. Available on DVD (Amazon).

After reviewing so many sword, sandal, and sorcery films, I thought I might be qualified to proffer an educated guess as to when "barbarian times" actually happened. Best as I can tell, they fall somewhere between the early neolithic era and the middle ages. The distant future becomes an issue in films like Yor, The Hunter From the Future, but using standard statistical methods means we can discount an isolated extreme event of time-traveling barbarians.

Still that leaves us with a pretty big gap, and it gets only bigger when you also work in notions about the proverbial "ancient times of magick and dragynns" that play host to everything from Tolkien to Dungeons and Dragons. Taking all that into account, and knowing what I know about history and the migratory habits of nomadic tribes the world over, I feel I can safely say "barbarian times" happened in the late 1800s and involved Teddy Roosevelt in some capacity, that capacity being one of a guy who grins and exclaims "Bully!" a lot.

You may feel like debating my conclusion, which is your right.

Anyway on to movie reviews. When the whole "buff guy on a quest through ancient lands" genre was revived in the 1980s, it meant a lot of people were rushing to make barbarian films to cash in on the sword and sandal craze. And when it comes to bleeding a genre dry, we know the buck stops with the Italians. No one abuses a genre more. No one squeezes more films from a dried up lemon of a dying genre than the Italians. And at the same time, no one takes the respective genres to such mind blowing extremes.

In the case of Conquest, a movie about fog and the things men do whilst enshrouded in it, not only do we get Italian exploitation at its weirdest, but we get it compliments of everyone's favorite film freak, Lucio Fulci. Though I'm often critical of Fulci and will always consider him and his films vastly over-rated, I also find a lot of his work intriguing, and I definitely find his vision and ambition impressive, even if the gulf between his dreams and his reality was often insurmountable. But for every crap horror film like New York Ripper that he cursed us with, he redeemed himself with films like The Beyond and City of the Living Dead, which while flawed, showcased a wonderful sort of mad genius at work.

What I always liked best about Fulci, and what always keeps me loving his work despite its shortcomings, was his anarchistic attitude. When he was told something could not be done, he would do it. When he was told something had to be done a certain way, he would raise hell and refuse. Sure his films are inconsistent, but the man possessed a passion for his craft, and a vision of his art, that was unwavering, inspiring, and all too rare. When you take into account that Fulci labored away in one of the most crass, greedy film industries in the world, his commitment to his warped dreams becomes all the more impressive.

His vision, of course, was to take film and make it surreal, hallucinatory, and fantastical. He wanted his films to have more in common with dreams and nightmares than reality, and he often succeeded. His style was frequently communicated at the expense of coherency, but how often are dreams coherent? What mattered at the end of The Beyond wasn't that it made no sense; what mattered was that it was such a striking, nightmarish image. Had Fulci become a painter instead of a filmmaker, I'm certain his work would have rivaled that of Dali and other surrealist masters.

Surrealism in film is a double-edged sword. On the one side, it opens you up to criticism from people with minds too closed to comprehend what you are trying to do. On the other hand, it allows you to mask your more embarrassing moments behind the guise of "surrealism" and "invoking a dreamlike state." At the same time, Fulci had to contend with his films being criticized for weak elements that were not his fault. He could not control the fact that the dubbing was often atrocious, that scenes were cut out or re-edited back into the film in the wrong order, or that the video transfer of a particular film was dark to the point of worthlessness. Yet critics always seem to target the film itself rather than these individual, after the fact elements. How many times a day does someone refer to the bad dubbing of kungfu and Godzilla films as if they were made that way in the first place?

Of course, Fulci was not always successful in achieving his vision, and this problem is apparent nowhere more than in his non-horror films. His forays into comedy are best left unmentioned, along with John Woo's early attempts at a career in directing slapstick. His westerns are average, and his one action/crime film, The Smuggler is a study in mind-numbing tedium until the final half hour. His science fiction film was marred by a low budget and cheap appearance.

But how would the master fare in a genre that was actually connected, at least tangentially, to his home turf of horror? How would he do in a genre that thrived as much as, if not more than, horror films on images of the fantastic and grotesque? In short, what would a sword and sorcery film directed by Lucio Fulci look like?

And the quick answer is that it would look misty.

There's actually more fog present in this film than in John Carpenter's The Fog, and there was a hell of a lot of fog in that movie, primarily because it was a movie about monsters that hid inside a haunted fog bank. You can't really make a movie about haunted fog without a lot of fog, and Conquest has even more fog than that. Even when they are inside caves and secret lairs everything remains foggy. Sometimes they even pump the fog in just for the hell of it.

The movie opens with a mail-order Zeus superimposed on a beach which is, of course, shrouded in mist. Other super-imposed characters loiter about, and one of them must be special because some women are strapping a leather vest onto him. There, now he can be one of the Warriors. The Zeus looking guy tells this guy, who is named Illyan, that it's time for him to become a great hero. Illyan doesn't look particularly heroic, so in order to pep him up a little, the Zeus type tells him a story about a great warrior who was fighting off some ne'r-do-wells with his bow, and when he ran out of arrows, the sun was so impressed with his valor that it offered up its own rays for him to use as fiery arrows with which he could fell his enemies.

Illyan finds this all pretty cool, so he sets out on his quest. I have no idea what the hell his quest was. I guess it was just sort of a general purpose quest. You know, trod the earth beneath your sandaled feet, fight evil queens whenever you can, walk around in the mist a lot. That sort of thing. So Illyan is sort of like Charles Kuralt.

While he is paddling around in the fog, we get a look at some cavemen types who are being hassled by some, ummm, werewolf looking things, or possibly the cast of Cats. The werewolf things are demanding monetary tribute from the cavemen, which seems like a pretty stupid thing to demand from people who haven't even figured out the wheel, let alone systems of money management and the use of QuickBooks. Pissed that the cavemen have yet to invent money to pay them off, the werewolf warriors squish the brains of an old man, then tear a naked woman in half while Fulci's camera lingers gleefully on the spilling guts in an evisceration scene that would be repeated in Demonia with even greater effect.

Meanwhile, Illyan's first act of bravery after rowing his little dingy from one fog-covered realm to the next fog-covered realm (I half expected to see Goliath the gargoyle and his crew rowing along next to the guy), is to save a cute primitive woman from a snake. Not a big snake like Conan fought, just a regular snake. Sure, it was venomous, but as far as legendary acts of valor are concerned, "he shot a snake with his bow from a little ways off" doesn't really rank up there among the most impressive. Now if he shot the snake, then did that thing where he split his arrow by shooting another directly at it -- well that's a different story.

Unfortunately for our somewhat weenie hero, who reminded me of disco Larry who lived above Jack and the girls in Three's Company, the girl runs off and he is quickly attacked by a gang of werewolf men. You know, it's bad enough to be attacked by a bunch of werewolves, but it's even worse when they are carrying swords. He fells a bunch of them with his arrows, but he runs out. Apparently, much like me, the sun was not all that impressed with Illyan up to this point, so no fiery arrows for him. He just gets his ass kicked.

Luckily, another hero, this one named Mace, happens by and defeats the werewolf warriors by waving a rock at them and doing some caveman-fu. What Mace doesn't realize is that someone, possibly Charles Manson, drew a funny symbol on his forehead the last time he fell asleep. Mace looks sort of like a middle aged Miles O'Keefe, and he has a fondness for those big bulky fur boots that obviously date him as the more primitive man to Illyan's cosmopolitan uptown look. Well, he may be primitive, but at least he doesn't get his ass kicked.

Meanwhile, in the secret lair of the sexy metal-head witch (as in her head is metal) who commands the werewolf guys, we find the witch nude and writhing all about. There's a lot of nudity in this film, even more so than in most sword and sandal films. The main witch woman, who I thought at first was named Okra, never puts a shirt on. This is fine with me, as it is historically accurate that in barbarian times, evil witches with metal heads and an army of werewolf men often did not wear tops. You can look it up in just about any history book, unless THE MAN has censored it. If you can't find the chapter I'm talking about, go up to your professor or your local bookstore clerk and demand the history book with the chapters dealing with nude barbarian witches.

Okran's writhing allows her to see a vision, which I guess is easier than piercing your nipples with bones, dangling buffalo skulls from them, and running through the desert before you collapse of pain and exhaustion and finally get to have your little vision quest. In the greater scheme of what people have to do to have their vision, writhing around in the mist while wearing nothing but a feather duster over your crotch is pretty easy.

In her vision, she sees a faceless man wielding a bow attempting to kill her. Predictably enough, she wakes from her vision and orders her monkeymen to find and kill this unidentified archer, which is probably what I would do in her place. At the same time, I empathize with any werewolf monkey man thing who gets the job of searching the entire realm for a guy with long hair.

We, of course, know it's Illyan, who is currently sleeping with Mace. You know, in a manly sort of way next to the campfire. The two become fast friends as they learn about each other. Illyan teaches Mace how to use the bow and arrow, and in return, Mace tells Illyan about how much he loves animals. If you think this is an unfair trade off of knowledge, keep in mind that Mace is a lot better in a fight than Illyan. So if he wants to talk about how much he loves animals, you have to listen. Plus, his name is Mace, and you would be advised to never screw with a guy named Mace.

Things really start to get confusing here. Mace and Illyan hang with the cavepeople, which allows Illyan to do a little breast grabbing on that cute woman he saw back at the beginning of the film. Mace falls asleep or gets stoned or something, and then the werewolf guys invade. Illyan gets his ass kicked, as usual, all the cave people get slaughtered, and Mace sleeps through the whole damn thing. Or maybe he was knocked out or something. Whatever the case, everyone is dead by the time he wakes up.

If you're beginning to get the idea that these two aren't exactly the greatest heroes in the land, you are right. Remember that up until this point, the only thing Illyan has actually bested in combat is a small snake. Mace seems tougher, but a lot of his ass kicking seems to depend on his enemies jumping really high up into the air so he can sort of guide them over his head and into a rock or something.

Well, Mace has to go save Illyan while Okran cooks her general as punishment for his failure. She summons up Zora, a guy in a metal bodysuit, who promises to rid her of Illyan. Mace and Illyan trek around a little, with Illyan constantly trying to get Mace in on fighting the evil Okran. Mace is either a Taoist or smart enough not to want to be saddled with a load like Illyan. He says he does not involve himself in such daring-do. He agrees to escort Illyan to the shore, since about the only thing Illyan is competent at is rowing around his boat. Unfortunately, they are attacked by magic arrows, one of which wounds Illyan.

While he rolls around breaking out in boils, Mace has to fight Zora and some other assorted demony type things. At this point, even a primitive like Mace has to be wondering why Illyan is the great hero if Mace is doing all the work. Illyan sort of reminds me of Ivanhoe, the medieval knight who got a whole book and mini-series named after him, but as far as I can remember, spent most of his time being wounded and sitting in a tent while everyone else had to fight and John Rhys-Davies bellowed "Saxon dogs!"

Mace gets a magic plant that cures Illyan, and it seems to also make Illyan smarter because he realizes what a complete failure he is as a crusading hero. He decides to pack up and paddle his sorry ass back to his own misty land, where they will no doubt be disappointed that he has returned to annoy them further. I'm pretty sure they picked him to go on the quest just so they could get rid of him, and I'm also pretty sure that they spent the interim period packing up the village and moving somewhere else so he would never find them. After all, you may remember they sent him on his way without actually having any particular quest in mind. They just wanted to get rid of him.

Illyan sails off into the mist, and Mace is immediately set upon by some pretty cool cobweb creatures who want information about Illyan. Mace can't tell them much other than the facts that he just ran for home with his tail tucked between his legs, and he pretty much sucked to begin with, but he sure knew how to bully a snake. They crucify Mace, mostly because it looks cool to strap a barbarian to a big wooden X on top of a cliff. But just when things seem lost, Illyan triumphantly returns! Boy, that must be a relief. His attempt to rescue Mace involves Mace accidentally being knocked off the cliff and into the ocean while still crucified. Hey, way to go, Illyan!

Luckily, and "luckily" has a lot to do with most of the things our heroes do in this film, Mace uses his special Aquaman powers to summon a school of dolphins. No, I swear. Since they all know he is an animal lover, the dolphins rally around Mace, free him from his binds, and make sure he gets ashore, at which time Illyan takes credit for the rescue.

Later that night, or possibly some other night, Mace and Illyan are asleep in a cave. Illyan is pulled down into a conveniently located pit of hell, and despite his shrieks of horror, Mace doesn't wake up. Or maybe he was awake anyway, and just hoping this would be the last he saw of Illyan. You know what they say. Waking up a man who is asleep is simple. Waking up a man who is pretending to be asleep is much more difficult. Is it coincidence that Mace has now slept through two battles, each one resulting in the capture of his tag-along, Illyan?

Eventually, Mace wakes his lazy ass up and realizes he must once again go save Illyan. The hell? Is this guy gonna get captured every time Mace tries to get a little shut-eye? At this point, the film throws us a wild curve ball as Illyan's head is ripped away from his body. I wasn't expecting that one. Mace discovers the corpse of his little buddy, cremates him, and in doing so, absorbs the power of the magic bow. Ahhh! See, he was the hero all along! Mace storms Okran's lair, and the sun must think Mace is at least a better savior than Illyan, because Mace gets the magic fiery sun bolts to shoot out of the bow, which is especially impressive since they're in a cave and there isn't any sunlight to be had.

Mace slaughters all before him, splitting open Okran's metal head to reveal her true face, a hideous ghoulie number. He then shoots her through the chest with a magic flaming sun arrow, causing her heart to explode. She transforms into a wolf and runs off into the wilderness along with that Zora guy, who also turned into a wolf at some point I can't remember.

If you're getting the impression that this is one weird-ass movie, then you are correct. The whole dolphin rescue thing was strange enough, but now we got this wolf thing going on. If Fulci's dream was to make movies that were hallucinogenic in nature, then he certainly succeeded in this warped little fantasy film. Constantly shrouded in mist, set on landscapes that are saturated with pink and orange and blue like some crazy messed up Yes album cover, Fulci creates a truly alien, phantasmagorical world. This would be a pretty boss heavy metal video, too.

It's an interesting juxtaposition to Conan the Barbarian, the movie that obviously inspired it. Despite a few things like a sexy witch and James Earl Jones turning into a snake, Conan created a more or less believable ancient world. There was nothing too terribly far-out to make us think that, with a few tweaks, this actually couldn't be a real ancient time. Conquest, on the other hand, is a complete fantasy realm full of purple glowing skies, cheap hairy monsters, cavemen, witches, magic, zombies, and lots of fog. It's serious van art territory.

I also like how the film subverts the expectations we have of a sword and sorcery film. There must be about a thousand films featuring a weenie young guy who becomes "the chosen one." He seems an unlikely choice, but during the course of the film's action, usually under the wing of a more experienced hero, the young lad becomes a man and, by the film's end, explodes into a whirlwind of heroic daring-do and bravery, thus saving the universe from some dark lord or other.

In this film, however, they set up the standard scenario, then quickly knock it down by killing the weenie guy and revealing that the bad-ass guy was the chosen one all along. It teaches us that you really should stop entrusting your fate to goofballs. It's an unexpected twist that caught me off guard, and that alone was reason enough for me to enjoy the film. Whether or not this subversion was intentional, or rather it's just the product of my pathetic attempt to justify my love of a rather stupid movie, is a decision you must make yourselves.

This film is generally regarded as the beast that killed Fulci's career, and indeed, his output starting with this film is spotty at best. He had a lot of problems during the making of this film that caused him to start burning a lot of bridges and isolating himself from the rest of Italy's film-making community. The guy was always difficult and temperamental, and having to make a silly sword and sorcery film only made matters worse.

Despite the many flaws, I like this film. It's definitely one of the best of the Italian Conan rip-offs, but being better than an Ator movie is not exactly impressive. The characters are mind-blowingly bland, a Fulci trademark. Mace is at least slightly interesting as the world-weary warrior and friend to all animals who has the role of savior forced upon him. Everyone else is pretty lame though. There's really no reason for Okran's evilness other than just being evil and naked. I mean, so your werewolves bully some cavemen. Big deal. It's not like their caves were nicer than yours. I mean, Okran's cave had cool disco lighting and a fog machine going. The cave people just had rocks and some fire.

Sabrina Siani, who plays the nude Okran, had a pretty eventful career in Italian sword and sorcery films during the 1980s, appearing in such genre treasures as Ator and 2020 Texas Gladiators. Andrea Occhipinti, who plays Illyan, also worked with Fulci in the mean-spirited and shockingly boring slasher film New York Ripper.

There are some slow moving parts, and the fights are not of the greatest quality since a lot of the attacking monsters have to set up their own stunts so Mace can throw them around. But for the most part, Fulci keeps things moving forward at a decent pace that is helped out by the sheer strangeness of everything we're watching.

If the monsters are cheap looking, it's hard to tell through all the fog and crazy colors, so as it is, I thought most of them were pretty cool, with the cobweb zombies being the coolest. And Okran is, of course, a naked woman with a golden head, so that's always cool. If ya gotta fight an arch-villain, it might as well be a naked woman instead of an old man or Rosie O'Donnell.

The soundtrack by Goblin member Claudio Simonetti is pretty annoying at times. It's about three notes on the synthesizer arranged in slightly different order from time to time. Generally, I expect better from Simonetti. While his work may often suck, it's at least original and complex. This sounds more like something Fabio Frizzi would have farted out. It gets a tad repetitive after a while, but I can live with that when the screen is filled with loin-cloth wearing barbarian men shooting glowing arrows at a naked woman and her army of werewolves in a magical realm of monsters and fog.

So while a lot of people hate this film, I tend to consider it one of the more creative, puzzling entries into the sword and sorcery genre. We expect gore and nudity from these films, but Fulci goes gleefully overboard, as one would expect. The warp factor is so much higher in this film than in other films of the genre, that I can't help but like it. In a sea of plodding carbon copy films involving muscular guys walking through the woods, it's good to run across something this freaked out, weird, and fun. Fulci fans may ignore it, and Fulci himself may feel that the thing ruined his career, but I actually find it one of his most enjoyable, original films, and it's also one of the best of the sword and sorcery crop.

Labels: Director: Lucio Fulci, Fantasy: Sword and Sorcery, Year: 1983