1978, United States. Starring Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, John Dennis Johnston, John Lisbon Wood, Lisa Jane Persky, John Chappell, Terry Lester, Richard Hein, Brion James. Directed by Gordon Hessler.

Band movies rarely stray very far from the tried and true "band movie" formula that consists of an entire film built around the band trying to get to a concert amid an onslaught of wacky hijinks, and very often, meddling censorship board type people. This plot has worked for everyone from The Beatles to The Spice Girls. Hell even the Atari 2600 video game "Journey" revolved around the player guiding Steve Perry, or a crudely rendered rectangular likeness thereof, through a variety of pitfalls en route to what was sure to be a rockin' stage show.

So when KISS decided to expand their mass marketing onslaught beyond the world of dollies and pinball machines and into movies (or at least into made for TV movies), it's no surprise that the plot was about KISS trying to get to a concert amid a series of pitfalls and shenanigans. However, KISS is probably the only band that took the age-old storyline but weren't afraid to tweak it a bit by casting themselves not just as mere mortals playing rock and roll in goofy stage costumes, but also as intergalactic deities with magical powers and sacred talismans (talismen?).

To be frank, I'm pretty sick of talismans. Every fantasy movie ever made seems to involve a sacred talisman or a chosen one. Man, screw The Chosen One. There's so many goddamned "The Chosen Ones" running around in the woods that it's a miracle those dark lords and prophets can keep track of things. I'll be happy if I never again see a movie featuring a sacred talisman, amulet, or "The Chosen One." How many more The Chosen Ones do we need? It's like, eventually everyone gets to be The Chosen One. I mean, when they start dragging Keaneu Reeves out as a The Chosen One, you know they're running out of candidates. Who's the next The Chosen One? Arnold Stang? Patrick Swayze? Wait, I think he might have The Chosen One of which the Prophecy spoke in Steele Dawn. So maybe C. Thomas Howell will be the next The Chosen One. Or Fred Savage.

All things considered, I'm sure you noticed that The Chosen One is almost always a total loser dweeb kid. We as a society should take a more responsible role in choosing our chosen ones. When we start ending up with Eddie Deezen as The Chosen One, it's not much further until we're electing Bill Clinton. Teleport City will be the first to launch the hip new Prophecy awareness campaign, "Rock the Chosen One."

KISS has a history with The Chosen One. You know KISS as the ass-kicking metal band who banged out teen anthems like "Rock and Roll All Night," and songs stoners use to woo their girls, like "Beth." Few people pay attention to that phase KISS went through I like to refer to as "disco metal." It eventually evolved into that sort of metal where they sing in a falsetto voice about dwarves and Balrogs and shit. Black Sabbath was probably the band that laid the groundwork for role playing metal, but KISS really brought it into its own with the oft ignored album The Elder.

The Elder went a long way in breaking the band up. Ace and Peter wanted to return to the band's hard rock roots while Paul and Gene were deeply involved in putting together this medieval fantasy disco metal album. Frehley washed his hands of the whole project and actually plays on only one song, coincidentally enough the one song with a substantial guitar solo. The idea behind The Elder was to put together a "rock opera" about a young "The Chosen One," who is battling wizards and demons and apparently doing a lot of sailing. The particulars are unclear to me. After the album was complete, the whole thing would be made into a movie a la The Who's Quadrophenia or Tommy, with 1970s lovable loser mainstay Chris Makepeace cast as "The Chosen One."

The most positive thing you can say about the whole thing is that Chris is a decent "The Chosen One." This guy built a career on being the lovable loser who saves the day and finds the magic within in such 1970s teen hits as Meatballs and the superb My Bodyguard. Based on the KISS album, he would play the usual reluctant loser who can't possibly become a great savior despite some old fart telling him he is The Chosen One. In the end, of course, his bravery awakens and he saves us all from the forces of darkness. I have to base my plot summary on the music because the movie never actually got made.

The Elder was universally panned by critics and KISS fans alike. Ace left the band, as did Peter Criss. It sold about ten copies, one of which was to me, and one to my old roommate Pat. When I tried to buy the album in CD, the hippie at the record store in Gainesville didn't want to sell it to me. He pleaded with me not to buy the album because it was the worst piece of shit ever recorded. I persisted, and of course, he was right. It is awful, but that's exactly what I expected, and I was actually overjoyed by just how bad it truly was. I mean, when someone tells you that KISS has teamed up with underground music icon Lou Reed to record a song, you expect something cool. Instead, you get some rock ballad about knights and legions and shit.

Anyway, this whole digression was basically meant to say I generally hate any movies featuring "The Chosen One," and the illustrate that despite the blood spitting, KISS are the cheesiest motherfuckers around.

Anyway, getting back to the movie, KISS refrained from putting any "The Chosen Ones" in this film, though there is a sort of evil wizard guy. And like I said, the members of KISS are all space gods with the ability to fly and shoot animation out of their eyes. The action takes place entirely at an amusement park where KISS will be doing a big concert. The first half hour of the film follows the "funny" exploits of a band of "hooligans" who do holligany things like walk on the benches and mess around with ice cream. They are pretty typical 1970s TV movie hooligans, complete with the guy in one of those British guy knit golfer caps and official 1970s TV movie hooligan names: Sneed, Slime, Chopper, and of course the gal of the bunch, Dirty Dee.

We also get introduced to some tinkerer who is pissed that KISS is the star attraction of the park instead of his piece of shit animatronics that do high-tech things like, you know, wave and lean back and forth. These are supposedly some sort of technological marvels, much akin to what you will find in a parking lot carnival. The tinkerer, however, is also insane, because all scientists are, and unbeknownst to his employers at the park, he has been building an army of robots that move and look exactly like real humans. Now if he had been showing these as examples of his work instead of animatronic gorillas who turn their heads, maybe the owners might like him more. Oh yeah, he has a lair beneath the park, thus making him the phantom referred to in the title.

He starts kidnapping people, including the hooligans, and turning them into robots. Yes, he is making an army of robot zombies out of a cast who basically act that way to begin with. He also kidnaps the boyfriend of "the good girl," and in true 1970s TV movie form, she sets about solving the mystery of her boyfriend's disappearance.

Now you may be wondering certain things about KISS, like where the hell are they? I started wondering that myself, and after what seemed like an eternity, the night of the big concert finally comes and KISS flies down out the heavens (I swear) in full superimposed glory to play "Rock and Roll All Night." Afterwards, the good girl spies her boyfriend's robotic double in the backstage area working as a security guard. She tries to get to him, but security won't let her pass without being on "the list." I thought any woman could be on KISS's list, but oh well.

Luckily, KISS happens by and sees her struggling. Gene Simmons yells "STAR CHILD!" in a weird echo voice, which causes Paul Stanley to shoot magic beams out his eyes that allow him to read the girl's mind. I swear to God this is all in the movie. You don't think I'm insane and creative enough to come up with this shit, do you?

At least from this point on, KISS is actually in the movie. The evil tinkerer makes some KISS robots and sends the Gene Simmons robot out to smash things up. Naturally, the real Gene Simmons gets blamed, but the others are quick to point out that Gene has been with them all day, sitting by the pool in full KISS regalia and sparkling robes. Paul Stanley begins to suspect something evil is afoot, and Ace continuously croaks, "Aawwwkkk!" for no real reason other than to annoy everyone. They all get together to sing "Beth" to the good girl who is not named Beth, then bring her into their secret chamber where they keep the magic KISS talismans that give them their special powers. This leads to one of the best bits of dialogue in the whole movie:

Paul (say in high voice with little emotion): "If they were to fall into the wrong hands..."

Gene (in magic echo demon voice): "There are no right hands but ours!!!"

They tend to just leave this shit lying around on a bean bag chair, but they are confident that the magic force-field that surrounds them will keep everything safe. Still, the tinkerer can't help but send robots to try and steal the KISS amulets. KISS themselves have many kungfu battles with, umm, with ... werewolves? I don't really know. Werewolves in metallic silver bodysuits. KISS not only does kungfu in their big-ass clunky boots, but they can also fly. Gene can blow fire and Paul can shoot laser beams from his eyes. Ace can do backflips and Peter can, umm, I don't know. He has all the powers of a cat, so I guess he curls up on the werewolf's newspaper while it is trying to read.

KISS have another mystical kungfu battle in a house of horrors type thing. It's not quite on par with Jackie Chan's funhouse fight in My Lucky Stars, but Jackie was only wearing a goofy mascot outfit, not platformed dragon boots. Unfortunately for KISS, the tinkerer uses a magic space ray to shatter the force field around their talismans and steal them. Thus KISS lose all their special powers and get captured.

The tinkerer gives them a tour of his secret lair, explains his entire diabolical plan to use his robots to incite riots or something, shows them the KISS robots that will turn the concert into a bloodbath, sits the mystic talismans on the coffee table next to KISS's cage, then leaves. This guy must have gone to the "Batman Villain School of Planning." The KISS robots go to the concert and whip the crowd into a frenzy by playing "Rip and Destroy" while using hypnosis that makes the crowd rip and destroy. Who will save us? Will KISS be able to unite their psychic powers to get the talismans left lying about a foot away from them? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

Of course KISS gets the talismans back! They fly to the concert like a bunch of gaudy Supermen just in time to save the day with more silly kungfu and magic eye laser beams. Then, after having destroyed the evil robots, releasing all the kidnapped people, and vanquished their foes, they take the stage to play "Rock and Roll All Night" one more time as the credits roll.

This movie is not quite as bad as The Elder, but it's also not as funny. Once KISS finally shows up, things start to move along, but that first half hour is just painful. I like that KISS had no trouble casting themselves as mythic gods of the space ways and masters of kungfu. And I like that, in a movie about KISS, the soundtrack is comprised almost entirely of bad (and I mean bad) disco action music and wah-wah stuff (or as someone referred to it, "walk a chicken walk a chicken" music). Fast forward past the first third of the movie to the part where KISS actually arrives, and you have a decent, thoroughly silly movie in which rock stars in platformed boots shoot magic beams and fly and fight werewolf-monkey looking things with kungfu.

KISS's acting ranges from passable (Gene) to abysmal (Paul) to utterly puzzling (why does Ace keep yelling "Awwwkkk!???"). Everyone else is pretty wooden, which is typical of television movies, and of most movies I suppose. However, most movies don't have KISS flying around in them and breathing fire. You can also catch late, great B-movie mainstay Brion James in a bit part as a guard who gets his ass handed to him by the rampaging Gene Simmons robot.

Director Gordon Hessler directed all sorts of shitty TV shows in the 1970s, including episodes of CHiPs, Wonder Woman, Kolchak: the Night Stalker, and Kungfu. His best movie is definitely the spectacular Ray Harryhausen powered fantasy The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, but of course we love him most for being the director of the last of the 1980s ninja craze movies, the Sho Kosugi last hurrah Pray for Death.

It's not good. But it's bad, and that's good. It's certainly a lot more fun to watch than that last KISS movie, Detroit Rock City which didn't feature any kungfu werewolf monkeys, robots, or Ace Frehley screaming, "Awwwkkk!" This is probably the best made for TV movie around, but that's not saying much, and like all TV movies of the 1970s, it has a message for us, a lesson the teach. That message is that if a mad scientists starts unleashing robot armies of the damned, just kungfu their asses back into the stone age. And fly. And yell, "STAR CHILD!!" at inopportune moments and as often as you possibly can. If you have a friend who can then shoot mind reading laser beams out his eyes that go "Pew pew pew pew," then so much the better.

This is the kind of movie Yngwei Malmsteen fans would write. Frankly, I'm glad they made this instead of The Elder, but I wish they'd made The Elder instead of Detroit Rock City.

Labels: Fantasy, Martial Arts: Kungfu, Rock and Roll, Year: 1978