1967, Italy/France. Starring Robert Browne, Dominique Boschero, Dick Palmer. Directed by Terence Hathaway

I've been trying to write this review for a little while now, and it just wasn't working out. I knew what I wanted to say, despite the fact that this movie very nearly overwhelmed me, but something just wasn't coming out right. My fingers kept hitting the wrong keys -- more so than usual, that is. I was forgetting words, unable to complete thoughts and sentences. And then it hit me. I was wide awake and lucid. This is not the sort of film you can watch or write about in a sane state of mind.

Now I sit here, exhausted and in pain, and suddenly the words flow like the crystal clear waters of a bubbling mountain brook. Power surges from my fingertips, and each touch on the keyboard is like a bolt of lightning striking down my enemies. I am tired, my vision is blurry, I'm listening to traditional Native American flute songs, and finally I am in the right state of mind to discuss what is, far and away, the most mind-alteringly weird spy film I've seen in many a moon.

The Eurospy film. Traditionally, it's not among the more accessible genres here in the United States. A few meager offerings trickled over, primarily because they starred Neil Connery, the Connery with the slightly less cool name than his slightly more famous brother. But just about all traces of the Eurospy film in the States have faded along with cool tiki themed lounges full of men and women in sharp outfits. They were products of the 1960s through and through, and unlike their bigger budget cousin, the James Bond films, they could not adapt themselves to the changing times. For that matter, Bond himself had a rough time of it. Think about it. You're a spy. Do you feel cooler while wearing a sharp suit, driving a hovercraft, and bedding some beautiful buxom French woman in a mini-skirt and go-go boots (the 1960s), or do you feel cooler wearing a leisure suit and making time with some waifer-thin disco queen with feathered Farrah Faucett hair and a beige pantsuit? In the 1970s, you could be grim and gritty, but you could not be suave. That's why tough cop films ruled that decade instead of the spy films, which ruled the 1960s.

I'm hoping that there will be some renewed interest in Eurospy films. It happened over the summer with obscure sword and sandal films, so maybe soon we'll see these debonair men of espionage parading triumphantly back into the $8.99 bin at Tower Video. Until then, Something Weird Video is about the only place you can turn for these films, but wit Something Weird's cheap prices, that's not a bad place to turn.

The Eurospy film came about as most genres do -- in the wake of the success of a trend-setting film, in this case Dr. No, the first of the many James Bond films. In the blink of an eye, dozens of people were dashing off cut-rate imitations as well as a few big budget ones. A lot of these films sucked. Some of them were pretty good. But the one thing that makes the genre interesting is that, this time, it wasn't really the Italians. Fans of exploitation cinema know that when something becomes popular, while the Italians won't be the only ones to rip it off, they'll sure be the highest profile at doing it. But with the spy films, countries from all over Europe got in on the fun, thus paving the way for the eventual reunification of Germany, the fall of Communism, and the introduction of the Common Market and the Euro.

Oh sure the Italians cranked out plenty of Eurospy films, including many of the cooler ones (after all, the Italians are pretty cool), but they were matched stride for stride by Germany, England, much of Scandinavia, and England. I think even the Swiss got involved at one point, and you don't hear very much about the Swiss film industry. Note the reserve I show in not making a joke involving the Swiss and cheesy films. Of course, to simply reduce it all to "they rip off James Bond," is over-simplifying things and ignoring quite a bit of history. For starters, the Europeans had been making spy films since Fritz Lang in the 1920s. And while there's no denying that the success of Bond is entirely the reason there were so many spy films made in the 1960s, it still helps that Europe was well versed in spydom, not to mention the hub of real-life espionage across the world.

America got in on the action as well, but the result was often disastrous. While the Eurospy flicks were often bad, they seldom lacked entertainment value. Many of the American Bond rip-offs came out looking like Agent for H.A.R.M., and no one wants to relive that. Sure, we made a few good Matt Helm films, and both Derek Flint movies are classics, but those are all spoofs as well.

It's no wonder Europe was better at making spy films. They had cooler spy stuff. When you think of the Cold War, you think of the United States and the Soviet Union, but most of the "fighting" in the Cold War took place in Europe. You can't really do espionage in America or Russia because they're both just too damn big. Plus Russia has those harsh winters. Europe is full of all those nice little countries with cool ancient architecture and winding country roads. There are lots of borders to cross, and lots of cool things lying about. If you are going to be doing espionage, you have to do it in Europe, or possibly "Arabia." Ahh yes, many are the nights I've dreamed of engaging in some cloak and dagger slyness in "The Casbah," where people wear fezzes and smoke those big water pipes and are always helping out Pepe Le Moko. Asia is okay too, but that's an entirely different case.

So it's only natural and only fair that the continent where all the espionaging is happening in real life would wind up making the coolest spy films. The most realistic spy films? Well, maybe not, but who really cares? If you want a realistic film, set a camera up and film yourself sleeping and watching television for twelve hours. If I want realism, I'll go out and do something, because nothing on film is more real than real life. No, I do not want realism in my spy films, because that would be a movie about some guy sitting in a cramped room doing research. Would you rather watch James Bond repel down a fake volcano to machine gun a bunch of Commies with the help of a secret army of Japanese ninjas, or would you rather watch two hours of Wen Ho-li shuffling floppy disks around?

And in the realm of unrealistic spy films, I don't think any could get any less realistic than Incredible Paris Incident, which is about one of the most honest film titles ever. Well, maybe this is the second most unrealistic spy film ever. Denise Richards as a brilliant nuclear physicist is definitely the most unrealistic moment in spy film history. The most realistic spy film moments are probably all those moments in Agent for H.A.R.M. where Derek Chance just sits around in the living room.

Incredible Paris Incident begins with the daring burgling of the Crown of England, which a guy steals by dressing up as one of those Beefeater chaps and hiding the crown under his big tall furry hat. It didn't seem like the most ingenious scheme of all time, but I guess it's better than stuffing an overcoat full of porno mags then walking around the store staring and the ceiling and whistling tunelessly. The police are baffled, as they often are. For all their big reputation, every time Scotland Yard appears in a movie, it's usually in a newspaper headline followed by the phrase "Is Stumped!" They look cool and all, with their tweed jackets and London Fog overcoats and pipes, but when is the last time they successfully solved a crime in a movie? "Scotland Yard Baffled!" "Scotland Yard Left Without a Clue!" "Scotland Yard Mystified!" Hell, even the Scotland Yard guy in this film goes, "What? They expect us to solve these crimes?" What's the deal with Scotland Yard?

The inspector also gets to make an offhand dig at Northern Ireland, but that doesn't get him any closer to solving the crime.

Meanwhile, on his own private island somewhere in the Mediterranean, we meet our hero, code name: Argoman. Don't confuse him with Super-Argo, another European spy-cum-superhero. Sure, they're almost identical characters, but what are you gonna do? Complain about plagiarism in a film genre that is already just stealing ideas from other films? With all that goes on in the world, I'd like to think that no court time was lost debating the copyright violations in the case of Argoman versus Super-Argo.

Luckily for copyright holders, Argoman is supposed to be a wacky spoof of Super-Argo, who himself was supposed to be something of a spoof of spies, superheroes, and possibly Mexican wrestling movies.

Argoman is your typical ultra-smooth European spy guy. He has his own island and one of those mansions with the cool space-age bachelor pad look. Everything is hooked up to remote controls and computers. It's sort of like where I live, except that instead of an island, it's a neighborhood in Brooklyn, and instead of a space-age mansion, it's a crumbling one-bedroom apartment in a shabby prewar brownstone. Except that half the brown stones are were painted a rusty yellow and have a faux castle design to them. Stupid building.

While relaxing poolside in his villa and chatting with his very European looking Indian servant (we know he's Indian because he's tan and has a turban on), Argoman senses something unusual. That's right, Argoman has various psychic abilities, one of which allows him to detect when sexy women are piloting their own private hovercrafts near his island. Being a sly devil and all, he uses his psychic powers to the hovercraft to his island, and then levitates the sexy woman across the beach and right into his lap! Really! If this doesn't make Incredible Paris Incident the coolest movie you've ever seen, then I don't know what will. Perhaps the fact that he follows this act of kidnapping with the line, "Please forgive me, but when I sensed you passing by I couldn't help but dabble in a little telekinetics."

The woman (Jenabelle) who we recognize as the woman behind the thievery of the Royal Crown (the hat, not the soda -- no one would steal RC Cola), is annoyed at first that this total stranger has mentally hijacked her boss hovercraft and levitated her across the island into his lap, especially since he is wearing those shiny little European man micro-short swim trunks. The way I see it, if you're going to wear something like that, you might as well just go naked. You'll be much more comfortable. However, when she is witness to a display of his rapier-sharp wit and charm, she can't stay mad at him for kidnapping and molesting her. Argoman's servant is nervous, and reveals to us that after having sex, Argoman loses his powers for six hours. Argoman just laughs and says he is safe because he's on his own secret island. Plus, he hasn't gotten laid in a while.

But this is a Eurospy film, so our two potential sex partners can't simply retire to the boudoir for a night of tender passion and animal lust. No, they must play a little game. Argoman gives the woman a bow and arrow. If she can hit the bull's-eye on a target, he'll give her an assorted gift pack of precious jewels and a brand new Rolls Royce. If, however, she misses, well then he hits the button on a remote control to slide open the wall, revealing his rotating suspended bed. I wonder if this is the first time he's done this, or if this is a pretty regular little Price is Right shtick for him.

Anyway, Jenabelle lights up a cigarette because, well, smoking may be bad for you but it looks cool, and in full Jackie-O beachwear, takes the bow and arrow and just narrowly misses the target. Darn! But, something crafty seems to be going through her head as she and Argoman head toward the bed. After they do something behind closed doors, presumably playing Boggle though I can't be certain, she comes out, nonchalantly picks up the bow and arrow and nails the bull's-eye with no problem. Why, that lovable scamp! She was a master archer all along and just wanted some nookie! She then thanks Argoman for the sweet lovin' in the rotating suspended space-age bed, takes the sapphires, and says she won't need the Rolls as she already has one. Never one to be outdone, much like Al Gore, Argoman has to huff, "Well, I have several." Then she hops back in her hover craft and darts off across the sea.

Man alive, if I could tell you how much this was like my own life, well, you'd know I was one lyin' son of a bitch. This is maybe the swankest sequence ever in any movie, maybe even swanker than the scene in Danger: Diabolik! where Diabolik and his sexy girlfriend/accomplice are in his space age secret cave hide-out, making love and rolling around naked on a giant rotating bed covered in hundred dollar bills. When I go on job interviews and people ask me where I see myself in the future, I am going to describe one of these two scenes to them, and hopefully, they'll say, "Well, this job will give you all that and more."

Unfortunately, building websites may pay the rent, but it's hardly paving my way to having a secret lair of a private island, and though I have met many women, none of them have their own personal hovercrafts. Most of them don't even have cars. And while I may not be able to make love on a giant rotating bed covered in hundred dollar bills, I might be able to get a little action on a futon covered by a pile of pennies. So I'm on my way, working slowly up the ladder of swankiness, and in a few years, I figure I'll have all the stuff Diabolik and Argoman have.

Meanwhile, back in England, Scotland Yard is still stumped by the theft of the crown. They have decided to blame Argoman, who we learn is sort of like Batman in that he does heroic things but everyone thinks he is a criminal. Granted, they think he is a much suaver criminal than Batman. However, the inspector seems to have some secret knowledge about Argoman, and soon contacts him. Argoman is annoyed that the same guy who tells the press Argoman stole the crown is the one calling him for help in solving the case, and who can really blame him? It's like saying, "Well, I ordered your execution today, but I was hoping you could drop by beforehand and help me move a couch." Luckily, Argoman is a sport, plus he can levitate sexy women across and island and right into his lap, so he's probably in a good mood most of the time. He agrees to leave his plush sub-tropical private island in order to help the bumbling buffoons of Scotland Yard get their stupid little crown back.

When reviewing security photos of the museum, Argoman recognizes Jenabelle in the crowd. He then begins to think something fishy is going on. Could Jenabelle possibly be the dreaded "Queen of the World" who has been taunting Scotland Yard via telegrams? Speaking of which, Scotland Yard must have a palace full of "letters from master criminals taunting Scotland Yard."

Meanwhile, Jenabelle returns the crown, just to further taunt Scotland Yard. She also demands that they turn over to her a giant diamond that was created by a nuclear blast. With the human head-sized diamond as the centerpiece of her giant computer, she will be able to harness untold powers! Meanwhile, Argoman is on his way to Paris, or Gay Paris as they call it, to stop her diabolical scheme, even though no one really knows what it is.

Right off the bat, Argoman catches her men, who are dressed in the same leather outfit that David Hasslehoff used to wear when he was lip syncing on Solid Gold back in the 1980s, robbing a bank. He uses the old "distract the guard with a naked woman" shtick that we've probably all used a thousand times, but hey! You stick with what works. He sneaks into their truck to find her secret layer, and soon finds himself getting his ass kicked by out-of-shape guys in form-fitting leather Buck Rogers outfits. So he does what any man would do -- he instantly transforms into a laughing super-hero in yellow and black underwear and a cape that is three sizes too small to actually look cool. He thing proceeds to stand with arms akimbo, laughing that manly laugh as he tosses lackeys about with his mind powers.

Argoman has what has to be the goofiest looking superhero outfit I've seen in a long time. If superhero shows and movies have taught us anything, it's that normal humans don't look good in spandex superhero outfits. No matter how buff the guy may be, you put the brightly colored spandex long johns on him, and they have the strange ability to make him look scrawny as a scarecrow while, at the same time, having a rather pronounced beer belly. Take the suit off the guy, and he could be a chiseled god with abs of steel, but the second you put the superhero outfit on, he becomes a goofball.

But this is what makes this film so special. Oh sure, it could have been a straight-forward Eurospy film, but they decided to go on and throw the whole superhero thing in for good measure. It's the little things that make these things so special. For instance, Darth Vader had to wear the sexy leather outfit and helmet so he could breathe, but he just went ahead and threw the cape on for the hell of it because he knew it looked cool. Likewise, Argoman could have just been a slick undercover spy with psychic powers and a private island and a sexy secretary and glowing green eyes, but he goes ahead and puts the superhero costume on just for the hell of it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work as well as Darth Vader's cape.

Jenabelle counters by dumping tons of money on the streets of Paris and following it up with a threat that she will flood the French economy with currency, thus throwing the country into a state of gross inflation and causing it to collapse. Naturally, the French representatives immediately mobilize to surrender to her every demand. Argoman has other ideas, however, and dresses up in a Patrick MacNee outfit to meet up with Jenabelle again. He's not so happy about having to wear the bowler hat and suit, but would you really take fashion criticism from a man who wears yellow spandex and a mini-cape?

Upon meeting Jenabelle again, they immediately pick up where they left off, which is in bed. But Argoman knows better than to go all the way, lest he lose his mental super powers. Jenabell gives him the "join me and together we could rule the world" speech, which has never worked ever in the entire history of its being attempted. Even when someone agrees to it, they are always just playing along until they can get the opportunity to foil the villainous scheme. Well, let me step forward with this message to all super-sexy would-be queens of the world: I will gladly accept your offer and rule the world by your scantily clad side.

Of course, Argoman simply turns her down and puts on his superhero spandex so he can do some laughing. Just as he's about to subdue Jenabelle, she turns the tables on him and shows him a video of his secretery being attcked a very slow and poorly made robot. Jenabelle escapes while Argoman battles the robot, which is slightly less mobile than a Dalek. At some point I must have missed, Jenabelle also gets the giant diamond, and we finally learn the details of her heinous plot: she is going to use it to program an army of automatons who look just like the various leaders of the world. This is an especially diabolical plan in light of today's politics, as no one, no matter how astute, could possibly tell the difference between a poorly made robot and the actual politicians we are stuck with these days. Would we really be that much worse off being ruled by a sexy woman and her army of robots? We're already at the mercy of the robots, so we might as well get the sexy woman in for good measure.

Argoman sends some time dispatching automaton agents, then returns for the final showdown with Jenabelle. The movie takes a turn for bizarre -- well, even more bizarre -- when he uses his mind powers to disarm Jenabelle, then proceeds to blow her away! The hell kind of hero is this guy? He can use his mental powers to incapacitate and disarm someone, then he just goes off and shoots her! Of course, everyone cheers this, and the world is saved! Hooray! Oh well, at least they didn't do tat ending where he lets her live only to kill her when she suddenly turns with a hidden weapon and attacks him in one last ditch effort.

Wait a second! I just realized that not once does the fact that after having sex he loses his power for six hours play any role at all in the plot. He never gets tricked into doing the deed only to find himself powerless at the hands of Jenabelle and her forces. Oh well, that's small potatoes in the greater ocean of a film involving a grown man in yellow underwear wrestling with other grown men in black leather bondage suits.

Incredible Paris Incident is indeed one of the most incredible damn things I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of incredible things. It has a good sense of humor, tons of action, and more weirdness than you can shake a walking stick at. Director Terence Hathaway, also known as Sergio Grieco, directed several Eurospy films, including Password: Kill Agent Gordon, Operation Istanbul, and a few others, but this is far and away his weirdest, and probably one of the weirdest the genre has to offer. It's also cooler than I could ever hope to be. It's movies like this, where everyone is so amazingly smooth and swank and sexy, make me ashamed to be the slothful loser than I am. I wish my life could be more like Argoman's life. I wish I could be more like Argoman. In fact, this movie is so astoundingly good that it has inspired me to do more than just sit on my ass, watching wrestling, and complaining. I am going to take control of my life. I am not going to wish I was swanker. I am going to make it happen!

And I am going to begin by wearing bright yellow spandex and a little red cape everywhere I go.

Labels: Action: Superheroes, Espionage, Eurospies, Year: 1967