film    print    sound    leisure    forum
company line »

shopping guide »

contact us »

get reviewed »

get published »

expand yourself »


find it »

Teleport City search allows you to search our entire site as well as our favorite sites about cult films, obscure music, literature, and swank living.


film home | a-b | c-d | e-f | g-h | i-l | m-n | o-q | r-s | t-v | w-z

Monday, July 07, 2008

The People That Time Forgot

Release Year: 1977
Country: England, United States
Starring: Patrick Wayne, Doug McClure, Sarah Douglas, Dana Gillespie, Thorley Walters, Shane Rimmer, Tony Britton, John Hallam, David Prowse, Milton Reid, Kiran Shah.
Writer: Patrick Tilley
Director: Kevin Connor
Cinematographer: Alan Hume
Music: John Scott
Producer: John Dark
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


When The Land That Time Forgot ended, it left hero Doug McClure and heroine Susan Penhaligon stranded in the tropic prehistoric lost world of Caprona in Antarctica, fated to wander the strange world of dinosaurs and cavemen while wearing big-ass furs and mukluks. Would rescue ever come? Would their hopeless message in a bottle, thrown into the tumultuous seas at the end of the earth, ever be found, and if so, would it be believed? Well, we know from the first film that the account of the strange adventure to Caprona was found (though how the account, written by one man, could include detailed descriptions of things that happened while he was not around, is a question best left not asked in a movie about a u-boat crew fighting dinosaurs), and two years later, the answer to whether or not anyone would believe it. Unfortunately, the answer came in the form of The People That Time Forgot, a phenomenally boring follow-up that reduces Doug McClure's role to little more than a cameo, kills off Susan Penhaligon in between the two movies, and seems to think that what people really wanted from a sequel to The Land That Time Forgot was fewer dinosaur fights and caveman rumbles, and more scenes of people walking across gravel-strewn landscapes.

The inaction begins with Ben McBride (Patrick Wayne, son of John), airplane pilot and friend of Bowen Tyler (McClure, remember -- his character did have a name), preparing to mount a rescue mission after having received word of the message in a bottle account of the events from the last film. McBride encounters relatively little skepticism either from the scientific community, the Navy, or the press. It seems accounts of Caprona have popped up from time to time in the past, and this is their best chance, using the navigation information Bowen recorded from their journey on the German submarine, to pinpoint the exact location of the mysterious land and, if possible, rescue Lisa and Bowen. But unlike the ill-fated experiences of the Germans and Brits who wound up there by accident, McBride is determined to mount a properly provisioned rescue mission, employing the latest cold weather ships, radio equipment, and an airplane. Accompanying him, besides assorted stoic British sailors, are his trusty sidekick mechanic, a biologist, and Charly Cunningham (Sarah Douglas), a reporter for the London Times whose inclusion in the expedition was one of the provisions of the newspaper financing the mission.


Things start off well, both for the film and the expedition. The ship gets McBride close enough to use the plane, and after successfully navigating through the high mountains, the pilot and his crew soon find themselves on the unmistakable outskirts of Caprona. The weather turns warmer, there are a few more trees (though nothing like the lush primordial forests in the last movie), and they are attacked by a stiff, fake looking pterodactyl. Truly we are home. The battle forces the plane to make an emergency landing, and while the mechanic repairs the damaged rudder and makes "comical" comments, McBride and Charly set out on foot in a basically random direction in hopes of finding Bowen and Sarah. They encounter a dinosaur here and there, but for the most part, their trek is exceedingly dull.

I can't really put my finger on why, even when there are dinosaurs on screen, it seems like there aren't dinosaurs on screen. I think it's because there's no real sense of interaction with the creatures. The last film had all sorts of crummy looking composite shots so we could see Doug McClure sneaking around dinosaurs. This time, it feels like we're watching stock footage. In fact, yeah. That's exactly it. With the exception of one scene where Sarah Douglas takes a photo of a stegosaurus, the whole film feels like one of those old impoverished jungle adventures, like White Pongo or White Gorilla -- films comprised almost entirely of shots of the cast walking through a set, intercut with stock footage of elephants and giraffes. This isn't stock footage (though I suspect one or two shots of being unused footage from The Land that Time Forgot), but it feels like it. Until the very end, the dinosaurs are little more than parts of the set that cause the cast to make terrified faces, except for Patrick Wayne, who makes the same face he has for the entire film. At the end, they finally fight a dinosaur, but it's really too little too late. This movie needed to be packed with scenes of our heroes fighting dinosaurs, and it's not.

Eventually, they begin to reach the more temperate regions of Caprona, here realized by location shooting in an actual forest (the Canary Islands, to be exact). Where as the last movie relied largely on a mix of location work with sets to create a believable if somewhat fantastic jungle, this movie looks like it was filmed in a pretty average clump of trees. Funny how that happens sometimes. The actual tropical island isn't a very convincing tropical island, where as the last film -- which I think was filmed on a set and probably in a London park -- was more interesting looking. Sort of like how The Greatest Story Ever Told was shot in Arizona and Utah, because the filming they did on location in the actual Holy Land didn't look Holy Land enough.

However, the location shooting also lends the film a more wide-open feel, though given how little impact that has, it would have been nice if they'd skimped on location shooting and used that money to buy more crummy dinosaur props or a tiny fur bikini for Sarah Douglas.


It's also notable that, from this point on (which means, for most of the movie), the dinosaurs are gone until the very end. Instead, our intrepid trio (one forgets that the biologist is even along for the ride, from time to time) encounters sexy, big-breasted cavegirl Ajor (former David Bowie backup singer Dana Gillespie, who played a similar role in Hammer Studio's 1968 lost world adventure film, The Lost Continent). Ajor is far more advanced and bosomy than the cavemen we saw in the last movie, and what's more, she speaks English! At least that's an improvement over the last film. When faced with choosing between a big-boobed cavegirl who speaks in pidgin English or a thick browed caveman who shrieks a lot, I think the choice is clear. Also, she understands feathering and advanced hair teasing techniques. All of these skills were taught to her, McBride discovers, by Bowen Tyler, who Ajor reveals has been captured by an even more advanced race, the Nagas.

It turns out that the Nagas are so advanced that they, completely isolated from all cultural influence in the rest of the world, have evolved to dress and fight exactly like medieval Japanese samurai, right down to the katanas, flag bearers, and big kabuto helmets with gruesome face masks. Despite all those advances, however, they still live in caves and are ruled over by a fat, hooting, grunting dude in a fur loincloth (big Milton Reid, once again). It's as if the nation of Japan decided one day that they wanted to be ruled over ruthlessly by George the Animal Steele. But instead of ripping open a turnbuckle cover with his teeth, Sabbala pencils in Charly and Ajor for sacrifice to the...wait for it...yep, the angry volcano god. Then he throws McBride and the biologist, Norfolk (Thorley Walters), into his skull wall prison. In the prison, McBride is finally reunited with Tyler. And now, with a couple of two-fisted, good ol' American boys on the job, these merciless rulers of Caprona's crappy non-dinosaur infested southern region are primed for a beat-down.


By 1977, England's Amicus Productions was dead. The People That Time Forgot was really not so much a production as it was one of those nervous twitches a corpse sometimes makes. The only thing that even got the movie finished was money from American International Pictures, who had already been propping up Amicus for their last two Kevin Connor directed adaptations of Edgar Rice Burroughs' adventures. The People That Time Forgot feels much more like an AIP film than it does an Amicus film, and the budget must have dwindled to the point where even Kevin Connor couldn't scrape together enough crappy special effects to fill the movie as he had The Land That Time Forgot or 1976's At the Earth's Core. So almost all the action involves people. Sometimes they are cavemen, sometimes, for some inexplicable reason, they are samurai. There are only a couple of really crummy dinosaurs. It turns out that if your movie has dozens of crappy looking dinosaurs, it's probably going to be pretty cool. But if your movie only has one or two crappy looking dinosaurs, then all you can think about is how crappy it is that you are getting so few crappy dinosaurs.

And even if you make your peace with the fact that you're not going to get any dinosaur action, you still have to deal with the fact that there's really not much caveman action either. McBride has a run-in with a tribe that has been chasing Ajor, but it's short-lived and fairly thrill-free. So even if you reconcile yourself to the fact that there is no dinosaur action and precious little caveman action, then you find yourself depending on John Wayne's son versus lost world samurai ruled over by a mostly naked fat guy painted green.


And even then, you're going to be disappointed, because most of the samurai action is restricted to scenes of guys walking back and forth. That they are wearing samurai armor for no good reason doesn't make it any more interesting. Also, I don' think samurai wore their armor 24/7. Like, if you are on guard duty in the cramped caverns of your poorly lit cave dungeon, you really don't need battle armor and a giant helmet with a faceplate. I guess they took the time to evolve the ability to think of Japanese armor, so they decided they were going to get their money's worth. While I imagine samurai armor would help you in a battle against cavemen, it's probably less effective against a T-Rex or any of the other monsters we know inhabit Caprona. Or at least, that inhabited it in the last movie. So maybe this is really the only time they get to break it out and show it off, since even though it's effective against cavemen, they are probably too primitive to admire your craftsmanship.

The lack of dinosaurs without anything to fill the void is the film's major misstep. The next major misstep is reducing Doug McClure to a cameo. The structure of The People That Time Forgot is very similar to another colossal letdown, Beneath the Planet of the Apes. OK, so maybe Planet of the Apes was a more prestigious sci-fi film than The Land that Time Forgot, but the overall result for someone like me is the same. Beneath the Planet of the Apes is about a guy who wasn't in the last film, who travels to the mysterious lost world-esque planet of the apes, has some dull adventures, then ends up underground in a jail where he meets Charlton Heston reprising his role in a cameo. And then they break out, there's some fist fights, Charlton Heston dies, and everything explodes.


The People that Time Forgot plays out almost identically. Patrick shows up in Caprona, has some dull adventures, finds Doug McClure in a cave. There's some fist fights, Doug dies, and then stuff explodes. Aping Beneath the Planet of the Apes is not a good move, and reducing your single remaining interesting character to a ten minute cameo at the very end of the film is even worse.

Actually, scratch all that. This film's major misstep is that it casts Sarah Douglas in a role, has her character set up to be sacrificed to a primitive volcano god, and never puts her in a skimpy slave girl outfit! Having almost no Doug McClure action is justifiable if you say, "Sorry, but we spent the little money we had on convincing Sarah Douglas to wear this tiny loin cloth. We couldn't afford any more Doug McClure after that." That'd be fine. But no. She stays fully clothed the entire time. A travesty! Sarah Douglas, in case you weren't around at the time, is probably best known either as the evil chick in Superman II or as the evil chick in Conan the Destroyer -- two films in which she was more skimpily clad than she was in this movie, where she was in a land of scantily clad cave people. Still, despite my dissatisfaction with her sacrificial attire, Douglas is the closes thing this movie has to a good performance. She has an easy charm about her -- surprising since I've been taught from all her other roles to be terrified of her.


In her place, the scantily clad chore goes to Dana Gillespie. Gillespie was a former future pop icon. The one-time girlfriend of Bob Dylan, she was supposed to be some sort of folk rock star. That didn't pan out. Some years later, she became David Bowie's pet project after she sang back-up vocals for him during the Ziggy Stardust days. She completed an album, but I don't think it flew off the shelves. She had slightly better luck on stage, appearing as Mary Magdalene in the original run of Jesus Christ Superstar. In 1968, she appeared in one of Hammer's several "lost world" mini-epics, The Lost Continent. It was nearly ten years later when she appeared in The People that Time Forgot, allowing her breasts to do most of the acting for her. Still, it should be noted that her feathered hair is almost as big as her boobs, so it's not like I'm reducing her to a single, degrading aspect of her physical appearance instead of judging her performance more rationally. But then, it's also hard to judge a performance when your only lines are, "Tyler!" and "You are...friend of Tyler?" Given my druthers, I would have had Gillespie and Douglas switch costumes.

Oh yeah, somewhere in that mix is Patrick Wayne. Coincidentally, much of his filmography seems comprised of small parts in the films of John Wayne. what are the chances, huh? Well, Patrick Wayne is about as good an actor as his old man, only he doesn't have any of the charisma or macho allure than compensated for the elder Wayne's limited range. In 1977, Patrick had arguably his biggest role, that of Arabian sailor Sinbad (he's even less Arabian than Lou Ferrigno!) in Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. In greater scheme of Sinbad movies with special effects by Ray Harryhausen, Eye of the Tiger is a lesser affair, though still plenty of fun. Plus, it features a pretty solid supporting cast that includes Jane Seymour at the height of her hotness (not that her hotness has ever diminished) and scruffy Patrick Troughton (Scars of Dracula, the second Doctor Who, and who, as far as I know, has always been awesome but never had any height of hotness).


That along with a bunch of stop motion monster effects was more than enough to make most people fail to notice how stiff an actor Patrick Wayne was. Thing is, a movie like that needs a stiff in the lead. It needs a piece of petrified wood off which it can bounce all its fantastic stuff. After all, those are Ray Harryhausen movies. Few people remember who directed them, or starred in them. Heck, I was out of college before I even realized different guys had played Sinbad in the various movies. Because everyone remembers the special effects, and everyone went to the films for the special effects. To have some talented lead actor getting in the way would have distracted from the films' appeal.

The People that Time Forgot should operate under the same premise. Unfortunately, there's very little fantastic stuff to distract from Wayne's stiffness. With no dinosaurs and minimal caveman action, all we're left to focus on is Wayne's performance. Well, Wayne's performance and Dana Gillespie's boobs. I failed to be sufficiently interested by either (as a scantily clad cavewoman, Gillespie is passable, but she's no Caroline Munro or Raquel Welch). And there's no talented supporting cast to pick up the slack. Sarah Douglas gives it her all, but there's only so much you can do with a script that gives you nothing but "your character walks across a field, then across a gravel pit." Patrick Wayne is a wooden hero with no charisma and no awesome monsters to make you forget he's there. People who knock Doug McClure's one-note performances should take a look at Patrick Wayne to see what stiff really is. McClure exudes an easy sort of charisma and believability. Patrick Wayne exudes nothing. Plus, he looks a lot like Charlton Heston, way more than he looks like his own dad. I have some conspiracy theories about that one, and I consider them at least as likely to be true as theories about super-powered WWII Nazis operating UFO bases at the North Pole.


Some people consider this movie better than its predecessor. I cannot count myself among those people. While I love The Land that Time Forgot, I hate this movie. Well, maybe I don't hate it, but I sure don't like it. I was bored silly through most of the film, and it falls into that rare category of film I say you could give a miss. In fact, it reminds me in many ways of War Gods of the Deep, another surprisingly disappointing film I want to like more than I do and that sounds much cooler in summary than it actually is to watch. I mean, John Wayne's son and the evil chick from Superman II versus samurai cavemen is a good pitch, but Amicus was too broke to deliver even the cheap-ass fun they delivered with The Land that Time Forgot, and AIP seemed to be interested in little more than getting something on the screen and ending their relationship with the doomed British studio.

It would have been nice to see Amicus, who had given the world so many entertaining (and entertainingly bad) films go out on a higher note, but then, the same could be said of Hammer, who bit the dust around the same time and with a similarly wretched film to serve as their swan song. If Amicus was the scrappy Hammer wannabe, then The People that Time Forgot is their ode to Hammer going out on To the Devil...A Daughter. In retrospect The Land that Time Forgot would have been a poetic place for Amicus to end -- with volcano erupting, boat sinking, and its stars facing a seemingly hopeless situation. Instead, they decided to show us the aftermath of the collapse, and give us Milton Reid in a skimpier outfit than Sarah Douglas (or Dana Gillespie, for that matter).


"Oh shut up, Terence. You're going to be in Elektra."

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 11 Comments


Friday, June 27, 2008

The Land That Time Forgot

Release Year: 1975
Country: England, United States
Starring: Doug McClure, John McEnery, Susan Penhaligon, Keith Barron, Anthony Ainley, Godfrey James, Bobby Parr, Declan Mulholland, Colin Farrell, Ben Howard, Roy Holder.
Writer: James Cawthorn, Michael Moorcock
Director: Kevin Connor
Cinematographer: Alan Hume
Music: Douglas Gamley
Producer: John Dark
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


For many years, England's Amicus Productions was the scrappy studio living in the shadow of and following the lead of the higher profile Hammer Studio. In fact, so closely did Amicus follow Hammer's horror lead that much of their output continue to be mistakenly labeled as Hammer Horror. Amicus often used the same actors -- including Peter Cushing and venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee -- and directors -- including Freddie Francis and Roy Ward Baker -- and went for a similar feel. There are, however, several differences. For starters, most of Amicus' horror films were set in the present day, or at least more recently than Hammer Victorian-era gothic tales. Also, having been founded by Americans, Amicus often looked overseas for established genre talent rather than sticking primarily to English stars. Thus, you get a film like Madhouse or Scream and Scream Again, both of which starred American horror icon Vincent Price. And finally, although Amicus is known these days primarily for their horror output -- and especially their horror anthology films like Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The House that Dripped Blood, Vault of Horrors, and Tales from the Crypt -- they also produced a number of science-fiction and sci-fi tinged horror films. Hammer did this as well, at least for a little while and most successfully with their Quatermass films, but once Dracula, the mummy, and Frankenstein became established hits, Hammer pretty much jettisoned sci-fi in favor of straight Gothic horror. Amicus, on the other hand, constantly dabbled in the speculative genre.

Their first, and easily their best known sci-fi outings, if for no other reason than the association they have with one of the biggest sci-fi cult hits of all time, are their two Doctor Who films starring Peter Cushing as the mysterious time-traveler. At the time, the television series was still shot in black and white. Amicus looked toward two of the very best story arcs from the first Doctor's series (William Hartnell's stories The Daleks and The Daleks' Invasion of Earth), and redid them, only with a bigger budget and in eye-popping Technicolor. Although the movies were rehashes with some departures from the series (Peter Cushing, for example, actually refers to himself as "Doctor Who" and with no hint of being an alien -- which, while out of step for the series as we know it, was still in line with the series at the time), they were hits for Amicus, as the appeal of seeing Doctor Who in color and starring one of England's most beloved actors was a huge draw.


Amicus dabbled in sci-fi on and off in the ensuing years, with generally good results (They Came From Beyond Space), and one or two clunkers (The Deadly Bees). When the British film industry tanked at the beginning of the 1970s, small studios like Amicus were hit particularly hard. Hammer collapsed entirely, despite making some of their best horror films during the early years of that decade. Amicus limped on, however, producing some genuinely interesting films, like the bizarre and enjoyable mash-up of horror, science fiction, and Eurospy films that was Scream and Scream Again. But as the decade wore on, the belt-tightening became more and more extreme. Looking for a way to keep their craft afloat, Amicus decided to put their faith in a series of science fiction/fantasy adventure films based on the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs. It didn't work, for a number of reasons, even though the films proved relatively popular with kids and remain nostalgic favorites for people like me.

The first of these films was The Land that Time Forgot, not to be confused with The Land Before Time. Both feature dinosaurs, but only one features a shrieking caveman being torn apart by a pterodactyl dangling from absurdly visible wires.


Back in the 1970s, The Land That Time Forgot played pretty regularly on television. Although I know I saw it in the theaters (it was distributed in America by AIP, whose infusion of cash as co-producers was the only thing that enabled Amicus to get these final films finished), my memories are of watching it on television, and fairly frequently at that. These days, now that I have progressed from being a five year old with the mentality of an eight year old, to being a thirty-six year old with the mentality of...well, a nine year old if we are generous, I can see just how threadbare the productions really were. It didn't matter to me then, of course, and it didn't matter to most kids despite the fact that so many people try to project the sophistication of their adult life onto their childhood. "Even as a kid, I could tell these films were cheap," they claim, and it's almost never true. Most children view films differently than adults. When a film is cheap and boring, the cheapness doesn't really register (what do you have, at age six or seven, to even judge cheapness by) and the boring parts wash over you like water off a duck's back. You tune out when it gets boring, and all you remember afterward are the cool parts. Thus, even really crummy movies can seem relatively enjoyable, because you don't remember the dull bits; all you remember is the shrieking caveman being torn apart by a pterodactyl. Oh sure, I know some of you watched these movies with the keen eye of a wizened critic even at age six, and you turned your nose up at how juvenile they were even when you were juvenile. Well, I hope you had fun watching Kramer versus Kramer as a child, while the rest of us were watching dinosaurs fighting a submarine while Doug McClure punched cavemen in the face. I'm sure your childhood was much better off for your refined sense of cinematic value when you were in first grade.

I, of course, was hopelessly lowbrow and common as a child. As an adult, as you know by know, I am equally hopeless and lowbrow. While that means that I am still pleased by loads of cheap juvenile crap while being bored by indie films in which quirky dysfunctional families learn to accept one another, it also means that I also get to enjoy most of filmgoing experiences, shrugging off most films with an, "Ehh, that was alll right." It keeps me happy and keeps the blood pressure low, even if it deprives me of any claim to righteous fury over how base and moronic most entertainment has become. I've made my peace with this, and I'm happier rolling with the punches and genuinely enjoying films than I am being hyper-critical and getting upset about something as silly as a movie. Which means than even though I can see how floppy the rubber dinosaurs are, and even though I can see the wires on the pterodactyl, and even though I can tell the caveman in its mouth is a wind-up action doll, I still really enjoy The Land That Time Forgot.


The year is 1916 or 1917. The United States has yet to enter into World War I, which has yet to be named World War I, but we are more visible in our support of the Allied cause. In turn, Germany has announced the practice of unrestricted submarine warfare. At the start of the war, Germany operated its much feared u-boat fleet under certain restrictions in regard to the rules of good sportsmanship during a war. They would not, for example, attack civilian vessels, limiting themselves to torpedoing identifiable military ships belonging to their enemies (mostly England). As the war in Western Europe ground to a stalemate, Germany began to revise their u-boat strategy, first attacking any ships belonging to their enemies, and then any ships belonging to anyone they though might be helping their enemies (thus bring American ships under fire), and then, finally, they pretty much started torpedoing anything that wasn't German. The policy of unrestricted submarine warfare was one of the major tipping points that brought the U.S. into the war (though it wasn't the coup de grace -- that being a telegram from Germany pitching a plan to bring Mexico into the war on the side of the Germans). The Germans maintained that most of the so-called civilian ships they attacked were carrying weapons and supplies to the beleaguered Brits, who were deviously smuggling equipment from American suppliers aboard such civilian craft.

The Land that Time Forgot picks up its story during this time of expanding u-boat warfare. German submarine captain Von Schoenvorts has just finished torpedoing a ship of the type described above: civilian but suspected of containing smuggled supplies. Despite the job being well done, and although he believes in the German cause, Von Schoenvorts is in no mood to celebrate killing civilians. He'd be even less celebratory if he knew one of the civilians who survived was American entrepreneur Doug McClure, here playing a guy named Bowen Tyler, but he's pretty much just Doug McClure. Isn't he always? And we always thankful for it? McClure is adrift now, along with the one other survivor who, lucky for McClure, happens to be hot and female (Susan Penhaligon), and lucky for the script, also happens to be a scientist. I think she's a biologist, but really, she seems to be one of those classic movie style scientists who knows a lot about everything (except mechanical stuff, since she is, of course, just a girl). Thanks to my sister, herself a bilogist, I have met many other scientists and many other biologists, and they always seem to be very specialized in what they do. My sister, for example, can tell you pretty much everything you need to know about various types of bats and blind cave fish, but I think if you dropped a caveman off in her lab and asked her about him, she'd have little more to say than what could be gleaned from watching Encino Man, which is that cavemen love to party and swing from things. But Susan Penhaligon's Lisa Clayton is as comfortable finding her way around a protozoa as she is a caveman, a diplodicus, or Doug McClure. She's also handy with geography, and she probably knows a few things about botany. But not mechanical stuff. That's for the guys, and luckily, Doug McClure happens to be the son of a guy who designs submarines. But it is the early 20th Century, so perhaps science was still more generalized, like how centuries before, Sir Isaac Newton could be good at calculus, physics, and poking metal rods into his own eye sockets to see how deformation of the eyeball affected seeing.


So when it happens that a few other survivors happen by, all of them British sailors, and our merry band happens to find the U-boat that torpedoed them, they are well suited for a hostile take-over. And so begins a cat and mouse battle between the Germans and Brits plus Doug McClure, with each side trying to either out-muscle or out-sneak the other side to get the upper hand and win/lose control of the submarine. Now you might be wondering whether you're watching a movie about Doug McClure fighting dinosaurs or a WWI era submarine adventure. And indeed, the first half of this film concerns itself primarily with Great War era U-boat shenanigans. However, I never really found these proceedings to be dull, as not only do I like WWI stuff, but I also like the glimpses into the characters -- specifically von Schoenvorts (himself an amateur naturalist). When the move/counter move mini-war on the sub results in the ship ending up off the coast of Antarctica, very low on fuel and with no hope of reaching a supply ship or port -- the two sides form an uneasy alliance in an attempt to figure out how the hell to get themselves out of the mess they've gotten into. A large cave from which pours forth warm, fresh water, seems the best possible alternative, because when in doubt, why not take your submarine into a completely uncharted cave. But they do, and despite some close scrapes, they safely navigate through and into...

An amazing tropical prehistoric wonderland!


Previously, we looked at the Doug McClure fantasy adventure film At the Earth's Core, from the same production company and director, and reflected briefly on the history of hollow earth theories that inspired the various "world within the world" adventures stories like Pellucidar, the series upon which the film was based. This time around, we're tackling a theory that had a very similar evolution from scientific theory to discredited crackpot theory to fodder for pulp sci-fi and adventure writers. And once again, tracing the origins of such beliefs takes us far back in time. As with the caves and earthquakes, fissures and sinkholes, that most likely let primitive man to conceptualize a world below the surface of the earth, so too can we assume that the birth of the idea of the arctic as a place of magic comes from it being an equally impenetrable and difficult to understand region. In the days before performance fleece and Russian ice breakers, the remote, freezing north must have been nearly as impenetrable as the depths of the oceans. But men ventured there, from time to time, and when they did, who knows what things they beheld -- augmented, of course, by the old timey storytellers' penchant for bullshit.

Early accounts of Greek thinkers theorized that, because the northern stars didn't seem to rotate around the earth in the same fashion as other stars, that they must be above an equally unusual land. Although polar exploration was likely out of the question, the Arctic circle itself was well within reach of ancient man, provided he brought enough furs and mukluks. But the Greeks simply made up their own stories about this curious place to the north, beneath the Arktos constellations. They "theorized" -- perhaps with the aid of Dionysus -- that this land existed above the north wind, and thus was pleasant in climate if you survive the curtain of murderous cold that surrounded it. The land was, furthermore, once populated by advanced beings known as the Hyperboreans who, being lucky enough to live in such an awesome world, were basically gods. However, the toil of a perfect existence eventually wore them down, and out of boredom, the Hyperboreans drown themselves.


In 330 B.C., someone actually did bother to set out for these mysterious northern lands. Greek astronomer Pytheus purportedly sailed north of the British Isles and discovered there a land he dubbed Thule, where during the Summer Solstice the sun did not set. Pytheas attempted to continue his harsh northward trek, but the ship was turned back by an impenetrable wall of what he referred to as "sea lungs." Fantastic at the time, we can today understand the basic truths behind Pytheas' accounts. Thule could be any of the lands north of Britain: The Shetlands, the coasts of assorted Scandanavian countries. Non-setting suns in these regions at certain times of the year are understood and accounted for. And sea lungs are, more than likely, massive icebergs and floes.

Long after Pytheas journey tot he north, more and more stories began to filter down, often from early British and Norse sailors. These stories, given the average ancient sailor's penchant for bullshitting as well as any other storyteller, became increasingly fanciful. Aside from the ancient Greek idea of a lush tropical paradise beyond the curtain of cold, these early explorers added pygmies and various monsters to the mix. In the late 1500s, England mounted official expeditions to the region, largely in hopes of laying claim to it as part of the empire. It was even claimed that King Arthur, the quasi-mythical father of what was then modern England, mounted expeditions to the arctic regions. The early Elizabethan efforts, while both brave and groundbreaking, did little to advance the cause of the northernmost world being within England's sphere of influence. It turns out that the chief problem with exploring the Arctic is that most of the people who try it die of starvation and exposure, provided they aren't frozen or drowned when their ships hits an iceberg. Or simply go mad when they find their ships iced in and unable to free themselves. But despite all that, it was during this era that England established tenuous toeholds in places as far north as the Baffin Islands.


Exploration picked up again in the 1800s. This time it was ignited by stories of a navigable "northwest passage," a sailing route clear of ice than would allow ships to sail over the top of the world, thus saving untold months that had to be spent sailing around the giant continents that got in the way of easy sailing between, say, England and India. This time, they weren't just shooting for the arctic regions; they were aiming for the very Pole itself. Not surprisingly, a science fiction writer beat them to it. Although little of it made it into subsequent -- and more familiar -- film versions, Mary Shelley's original novel, Frankenstein, is concerned to a large degree with an ill-fated arctic expedition, the captain of which seems bitterly and ironically disappointed that there isn't any mystical tropical paradise to greet them at journey's end; there is, instead, only more and harsher cold. It is on this expedition that they encounter another ill-fated arctic traveler, Victor Von Frankenstein, traveling with his now infamous creature. While most film versions of the story concern themselves purely with the creation of the monster of Frankenstein's Jacob's Ladder-strewn laboratory and the eventual destruction of the creature by torch-wielding peasants storming the castle, the book actually ends with the creature escaping toward the North Pole, presumably going there to die.

Exploiting the fervor over dramatic leaps in exploring the world during the 1800s and relying on the old myths and legends, the science fiction and pulp writers of the era began cranking out a number of stories about the discovery of strange lands at the top and bottom of the world. Most of these fell within the realm of what we can today classify as "lost worlds" literature. As the remote corners of the earth became less remote, new discoveries of ancient civilizations were happening with stunning rapidity. Most dramatic among these was the excavation of ancient Egyptian sites, but similar excavations and scientific expeditions were taking place everywhere from the heart of the Amazon Jungle to the steppes of Mongolia. Scientists were having a field day, and so too were the writers of fantastic fiction. In 1838, Edgar Allan Poe entered into the game with The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, a fictionalized account of a man's incredible adventure at the South Pole and of the mysterious creatures he encountered. Incredibly, the story was thought for a time to be a work of non-fiction.


When explorers finally did penetrate the top of the world, thus dispelling any myths about tropical islands or gigantic holes leading to an advanced society of learned elders who dwelt inside the earth, it did little to, well, dispel myths about tropical islands or gigantic holes leading to an advanced society of learned elders who dwelt inside the earth. H.P. Lovecraft wrote a pseudo-sequel to Poe's work, entitled At the Mountain of Madness, which proffers the hole into which Pym fell into lead to a land populated by his now famous shoggoths. A group of German mystics founded something called the Thule Society in 1912, combining the more or less believable accounts of Pyhtean's voyage north with the more fantastical old belief in the Hyperboreans, then layering on top of that a healthy dose of master race B.S. and anti-Semitism. According to the Thule Society, Thule wasn't just a name for some existing northern land before such places had names known to Greeks. It was, in fact, an actual island, one populated by the super-advanced Hyperboreans who, like the Atlanteans (and the Muu-ians, and the Lemorians, and the Seatopians), perished when their island paradise sank into the sea. However, a few Hyperboreans escaped and became the German race, condemned to live out their lives on the European mainland amid all the Jews and other inferior races who wore pants and stuff, instead of the silver lame mini-tunics with golden shoulder pads and tiaras, which is what I assume all super-advanced inhabitants of lost continents wore. The Thule Society eventually went on to be a Nazi farm team, and no one ever addressed the fact that while the Jews may have been inferior, at least their continent never sank into the sea.

You would think that something as daft and racist as the Thule Society would have finally put the "mystic arctic" theories to rest. But then, you'd be underestimating the strong desire in people to believe really ridiculous shit. In fact, post World War II, theories about secret paradises above the Arctic Circle enjoyed a resurgence, with the claim now added that the North Pole was a base for UFOs piloted not by space aliens with an affinity for anally probing Midwestern farmers, but by Nazis who had escaped after Word War II and rediscovered ancient Hyperborean technology, allowing them to build experimental flying saucers to be used when the Fourth Reich rose up and conquered the world. Once again, pulp writers had a field day. These days, despite the fact that commercial flights pass over it and young women ski across it, and rich people drink champagne and go there on giant Russian ships to look at polar bears, conspiracy theories about secret UFO bases, gateways to the hollow earth, and lush tropical paradises at the North Pole still enjoy a surprisingly high degree of popularity, with all the evidence to the contrary dismissed as "a government cover-up." Such theories were lent further fuel when, in 2004, researchers began digging up fossil evidence that at some point (we're talking hundreds of thousands of years ago) the Arctic enjoyed a subtropical climate. That this would have been long before the dawn of man is of little consequence, the Hyperboreans of course being a totally different race. Unfortunately, arctic researchers have turned up little more than the fossilized remnants of plants. To date, they have found no ray guns, UFOs, or silver lame mini-tunics.


Now amid all of this (1922, to be exact), Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote the story The Land that Time Forgot. And many years later, a nearly bankrupt Amicus Productions sent Doug McClure to the fantastic tropical lost world of Caprona, where he and the combined German and British crew soon discover the land is positively crawling with dinosaurs -- and dinosaurs from various epochs. They also discover cavemen who, like the dinosaurs, seem to be in varied states of evolutionary advancement. Through her incredible ability to interpret caveman grunts and chest slapping, as well as her ability to look through a microscope with von Schoenvorts, Lisa is able to divine the mysteries of Caprona. It seems that evolution in this lost world occurs not over a period of millenniums, but within the span of a single lifetime, with great evolutionary steps being taken as part of a mysterious metamorphosis. The further south one travels, the more advanced the humans become. While Lisa and von Schoenvorts are fascinated by this biological phenomenon, and while Doug McClure seems happy to pal around with a caveman and shoot dinosaurs, most of the sailors on both sides are keen to get the hell out of Caprona so they can stop being eaten by dinosaurs and return to the safety and luxury of World War One. When they discover crude oil, they discover the means of their escape. However, like all lost worlds, this one is menaced by a restless volcano that could blow at any minute.

As with Kevin Connor's other adventures based on the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Land that Time Forgot is low-budget and crammed with tons of really awful special effects. In 1925, Harry Hoyt and Marion Fairfax's silent film version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World became the first "lost world" movie, and it was said at the time that the special effects work of Willis O'Brien (who would later go on to do the effects for the original King Kong) were so good that audiences at the time would be completely fooled into thinking the film was a documentary with actual footage of actual living dinosaurs. I don't know how many people did believe the dinosaurs were real, but it's safe to say that the effects in 1925 were far better than the effects we see in 1975. The Land that Time Forgot isn't quite as bad as, say, Mighty Gorga bad, but they are pretty terrible.

On the other hand, they are colorful and hypnotic. As a kid, I was fascinated by them and not phased by how shoddy they were. As an adult, I still think they are fun. And what the movie lacks in quality it more than makes up for in quantity, because once the u-boat arrives in Caprona, all vestiges of the rather serious World War One maritime adventure vanish, and the dinosaur and caveman attacks come more or less non-stop. As McClure and his buddies venture further and further south, the evolutionary mysteries of the lost world become even more puzzling. So do the geographical mysteries, because although it is assumed that they have hiked days away from the lake that is their base, everyone seems to be able to job back to the submarine within a matter of minutes.


The cast, comprised mostly of the usual British stalwarts, is solid. McClure turns in his usual performance, but that's really all I ever want from him. Yet again, he's a regular Joe who runs up against the fantastic and deals with it mostly by punching it in the face. Some people don't care for McClure's style. I'm not among those people, but even if I was, I'd have to admit that his final "we are so fucked" expression as he watched the submarine disappear is incredible. Connor's direction is, also, about the same as always, meaning that he correctly positions the camera and shoots his scenes, but never adds very much character to the film. I sort of prefer that style of direction to the overbearingly tricky "look at me and how clever I am" style of self-indulgent direction we see today. Connor recognizes that his movie is colorful and full of crude rubber dinosaur, and you don't add much to the formula by zooming the camera around and doing lots of crazy editing.

Although I'm sure this film benefits in some degree from my own nostalgia regarding it, the end result is the same. I really like it. It's one of those rainy Saturday afternoon matinee films that seeks to do little more than entertain you. Aside from plenty of fun dinosaur and caveman adventure, The Land that Time Forgot offers up really one of the most downbeat and apocalyptic endings of any movie aimed at kids. As McClure tries to rescue Lisa from a band of slightly more advanced cavemen (naturally they kidnapped her), the volcano erupts (also naturally). As they struggle to make it back to the submarine, the truce between the Germans and the Brits finally starts to break down. Von Schoenvorts, the sentimentalist, wants to wait for McClure and Lisa. His first mate, a realist, wants to leave before it's too late. In the end, no one wins, as pretty much everyone guns down everyone else, and the cave collapses, crushing the submarine and the few in it who were still alive. McClure and Lisa are stranded in Caprona, with nothing to do except follow the land's mysteries ever further south, until at last they reach what is, for all intents and purposes, the end of the world. There, they toss a message in a bottle into the raging Antarctic seas, hoping against all hope that someone, someday, will find it, believe it, and come rescue them.

And unfortunately, someone did.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 7 Comments


Monday, June 09, 2008

At the Earth's Core

Release Year: 1976
Country: United States and England
Starring: Doug McClure, Peter Cushing, Caroline Munro, Cy Grant, Godfrey James, Sean Lynch, Keith Barron, Helen Gill, Anthony Verner, Robert Gillespie, Michael Crane, Bobby Parr, Andee Cromarty.
Writer: Milton Subotsky
Director: Kevin Connor
Cinematographer: Alan Hume
Music: Mike Vickers
Producer: John Dark
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


So there have been a couple reviews now, possibly more, where I've claimed that the crummy movie in question would have been much improved had the two leading stars been replaced by actor Doug McClure and actress Caroline Munro. I figured, then, it's high time I reviewed a crummy movie that did cast McClure and Munro in the lead roles, and when one's talking crummy films featuring either of those stars, it's hard to find one that's much crummier than At the Earth's Core, a low-budget attempt by England's Amicus Studio to bring to life Edgar Rice Burrough's Pellucidar series of novels. Pretty much every pulp fiction writer, from Burroughs to Verne, wrote a hollow earth, adventures beneath the surface of the planet adventure. Burroughs, in fact, wrote several, and these attempts to do Journey tot he Center of the Earth one better comprise the Pellucidar books.

Burroughs wrote seven books in total, one of which is actually a cross-over adventure with Burrough's most famous creation, Tarzan. And in 1976, a guy named Eric Holmes, with the blessings of the Burroughs estate, wrote a brand new Pellucidar adventure. He did it again in 1980, though that time, he seems to have forgotten to get permission, and the publishing of the book was blocked by the Burroughs estate until 1993. I've always thought Burroughs' writing seemed to be fairly well geared toward adaptation into film. But for some reason, almost every adaptation of his work ends up being either so different that it hardly even relates to the source material (the Tarzan movies) or is just ends up being a colossal failure. At the Earth's Core, an attempt to adapt the first of the Pellucidar novels, falls into the latter category.

Well, it falls into the latter category for the greater portion of humanity. I, however, and probably not surprisingly, happen to enjoy the film. I don't love it, but I am certainly charmed by its offbeat tone, its astoundingly inept special effects, its plot that manages to be both incredibly streamlined and meandering at the same time, and most of all, its game performances from a trio of genre stalwarts who give it their all despite the fact that they must know this movie is, to steal a description from Douglas Adams, a load of dingo's kidneys.


Peter Cushing stars as bumbling doctor Abner Perry, a turn of the century (that'd be the turn of the 20th century, whippersnappers) inventor who has built himself a gigantic drill he intends to use...well, it seems like he mostly intends to goof off with it by boring through a mountain on a bet. But one assumes that there are more visionary applications for the world's most amazing drilling car. Accompanying Perry on the trip through the mountain is American financier and all-around lovable man of action, Doug McClure. Well, technically, his name is David Innes, but when has Doug McClure ever been anyone but Doug McClure? Sound of mind, able of body, good looking in that "lovable lug" sort of way, and just as capable of piloting a magnificent drill-o-kabob as he is punching a caveman in the face. In short, if you are doing anything -- from drilling to the center of the earth to exploring a lost world populated by rubber dinosaurs -- McClure was the man you wanted along for the ride. And it's a good thing Perry brings Innes along, because it doesn't take long for the drill to prove too effective, sending the unlucky duo tearing through the earth's crust and into Pellucidar, a fantastical kingdom that exists within the hollow earth.

Hollow Earth theories have been around for...heck, how long? Probably for as long as there have been theories about the Earth. Considering the incredible depths of some of the world's caves, and the often bizarre creatures one sometimes sees issuing forth from their mouths, it's not hard to understand how pre-historic -- end even more recent -- man would have conceived of some source for these creatures, some hitherto unseen world deep below the surface of the known world. In a time before caving technology, lights, and Iron Moles, even the largest of caves was an impenetrable, black abyss, and the surface of the earth itself could be no more than scratched by man. But at times, it would open up in earthquakes, spewing forth smoke and lava (and, presumably, monsters) and swallowing people whole. As such, the center of the earth becomes the location of countless mythological underworlds, from the Greek Hades to the Christian Hell.


As a movement, however, the hollow earth theories really gained steam in the early 1800s, when a cat named John Symmes Jr. put forth the notion that the Earth consisted of a crust 800 miles thick, with massive openings at either pole. Beyond the crust exists a habitable inner surface, with the core of the earth actually acting as a sun. Symmes intended to mount an expedition to one of the poles to prove his theory, but nothing ever came of it. Another expedition was planned by a newspaper editor and explorer named J.N. Reynolds, who actually managed to visit Antarctica, though not the pole itself. When, later in the 1800s, people started actually making it to the poles, the theory that there were openings into the hollow earth, hundreds and hundreds of miles wide, didn't quite pan out. But history is full of beliefs that continue to find adherents long after pretty much every piece of evidence collected has disproven them, with the mantra of "cover up" always being a convenient defense against, "We went to the North Pole and there was no giant hole leading to a world that exists inside the earth." Dismissed by actual science, hollow earth theories found new purchase among the pulp writers of the 19th and 20th centuries. As each subsequent writer took a crack at this world-within-a-world concept, the claims regarding what was actually inside a hollow Earth became more fantastic.

Famed science fiction pioneer Jules Verne probably did more to sensationalize and spread the hollow earth gospel than any crackpot scientist or explorer when he published A Journey to the Center of the Earth in 1864. Several years prior, in 1838, Edgar Allan Poe used hollow earth theories as the basis for his story , The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. And even before that, in 1825, Faddei Bulgarin wrote Improbable Tall-Tale, or Journey to the Center of the Earth, in which he wove a description of three concentric layered societies existing within our planet. And in 1914, with the publishing of At the Earth's Core, Burroughs seized on the hollow earth idea and used it as the basis for his series of involved and detailed adventure novels.

Doug McClure's Four Stages of Manliness: 1) Lookin' for some ass to kick; 2) weapons; 3) screw the weapons, I'll whup your ass with my bare hands; and 4) aww yeah.

Despite setbacks in the scientific realm, however, hollow earth theories did not become the sole pervue of the science fiction authors. They enjoyed and, in fact, continue to enjoy sudden flare-ups in popularity from time to time, fueled by the fact that even the deepest hole in the world isn't very deep. The Russians initiated the Kola Superdeep Borehole in 1962, an attempt to reach the point in the earth's composition where the crust meets the mantle -- the "Moho" as it's known. After twenty-five years of drilling, the project was terminated after reaching a depth of 7.5 miles -- about 1.7 miles short of the goal. But even so, it'd take a lean and hungry man to drop down the hole and see what was to be seen, as it's only nine inches wide. Picking up where the Russians left off, and spearheaded by Japan, the international Integrated Ocean Drilling Program seeks a similar goal but made the task easier by starting on the ocean floor, building upon work done by the Deep Sea Drilling Project and the Ocean Drilling Program.

A similar scientific expedition was attempted, I think, in the early 1980s, when me and my buddy Robby decided we were going to dig the deepest hole ever. We hiked way out into the woods down by this caves and began our glorious attempt. I think we got about a foot down before we hit bedrock. Shortly thereafter we all saw Red Dawn, and convinced that nuclear annihilation was unavoidable but that we would somehow survive, along with the girls on whom we had crushes, he revived the hole project with the intent of turning it into a bomb and nuclear fallout shelter. It never got any deeper, but we made it wider, covered it with a warped piece of plywood, and stocked it with important supplies, like a pocket knife, a canteen full of water (that had been in the canteen for probably two years), and some Star Crunches. The war with the Russians didn't come, of course. Well, not yet. When it does, I'm sure the shelter will still be there, ready to protect us so that we might emerge from the rubble and build society anew, preferably a society involving sexy cavegirls.

The IODP, incidentally, employs the services of one of the largest research ships ever built -- nicknamed Godzilla Maru. There are, obviously, untold secrets yet waiting to be discovered. Psychic pterodactyls ruthlessly oppressing a race of stone age humans may not be among these secrets, but they make for better movies and adventure novels than if we'd had a movie in which Doug McClure extracted core samples from the Kola Borehole and discovered interesting things about the rate at which the temperature increases as one drills through the crust. Yes, fascinating from a scientific standpoint, but more fascinating than Caroline Munro in a tiny loin cloth?


Psychic pterodactyls actually aren't that far off from what some modern-day proponents of hollow earth theory claim exists within the crust of our planet. Some claim that it is the realm of ascended spiritual masters; others say it's where UFOs come from. Atlaneans live there. Some even claim that at the end of WWII, Hitler and the remaining members of the Reich escaped to the hollow earth. Last I heard, the entrance to the hollow earth realm -- which someone decided to name Agartha, since it needs a suitably cornball new age name -- was at Mount Shasta in California. But this could have been updated to Nepal, Tibet, or some other suitably mystical location. I believe according so leading scientific researches, the only way to get there is to astrally project. And although hollow earth theories have persisted for centuries, it is perhaps no big shock to learn that the most ridiculous and new agey "facts" sprung up fully formed in the late 1960s.

Back in Pellucidar, however, Innes and Perry have their own troubles to contend with. It turns out that this realm within the earth is populated by all manner of poorly realized prehistoric creatures. As soon as Perry and Innes venture forth from the Iron Mole, they are attacked by dinosaur-like monsters that make the dinosaurs from The Land that Time Forgot seem amazingly lifelike. These creatures are realized by having a man in a monster suit stomp around a jungle set in slow motion, while McClure and Cushing sort of hunch over and dart back and forth for what seems like an eternity. Soon, the two begin to unravel the mysteries of the society that exists in this strange land. The Mahars are a race of psychic pterodactyl looking things, and they rule over a race of stone age humans, including one scantily clad Caroline Munro as Princess Dia. When they handed out princessing duty, Dia got the short end of the stick, being appointed princess of a race of slaves. Keeping the cavemen in line is a third race of pig-faced thugs.


Needless to say, when a couple Victorian-era bad-asses from the surface come to Pellucidar, armed with an umbrella and cigars, there's gonna be a whole lot of whoop-ass and Doug McClure getting the puffy sleeves ripped off his Dr. Frankenstein shirt. Innes and Perry are captured and forced to join the slave march, during which Innes commits a social gaffe that causes him to get on the wrong side of Dia. But you know things are going to work out for them, and until they do, Innes is going to spend his days escaping and punching stuff, and Perry is going to try to unravel the mysteries of the Mahar's power over Pellucidar. And then there's going to be a big revolution. Well, as big as Amicus can ever afford to mount. And probably, a volcano or something will erupt.

At the Earth's Core was released in 1976. The next year, Star Wars was released. If ever there was a crystal clear illustration of the quantum leap forward in special effects technology that film represented, this was it. At the Earth's Core is dirt cheap, albeit in a fun and imaginative way. The monsters are man-in-a-suit effects that wouldn't have passed muster in even the cheapest Japanese Ultraman series. Hell, even 1970s Doctor Who probably felt a little bit embarrassed to see what At the Earth's Core had to offer. And yet, it's precisely because they fail so spectacularly that the effects succeed. Coupled with a really weird score by Michael Vickers (who also wrote the ultra-funky theme song for Dracula A.D. 1972), the sets and monster suits lend the movie a completely phantasmagoric atmosphere. At the core (ha ha), it's really a very simple movie, and one we've seen countless times (b-movie stars run around in cave sets until something blows up), but it takes on a completely bizarre, hallucinogenic mood that lends the film far more power to engross than it might otherwise have had. In other words, a movie this bad needs to be this bad. If it had been competent, it would have been dull beyond the point of enduring.

But because it fails in such a charming, weird way, it becomes much more than it would otherwise have been. Burroughs' original novel was a sprawling epic, and there was no way Amicus was going to be able to bankroll such a story. However, this movie strips it down to its core (ha ha) while still managing to reach far beyond its means. This is, of course, sort of the defining aspect of director Kevin Conner's filmography. He populates his films with tons of special effects that would have been considered crude if they'd been a movie released ten years earlier. Amicus was the perfect home for him. They were the cheap version of Hammer, and if you know how cheap most Hammer films were, that's really saying something. The big difference was that the boys at Hammer knew how to work within their limitations without looking like they were working within limitations. Amicus aims for the special effects stars and comes back with a paper mache pterodactyl.


Aside from the charmingly inept special effects, At the Earth's Core has a few other things going for it. By this point, it should be pretty obvious that I'm a fan of b-movie and television staple Doug McClure. He gives the exact same performance here that he did in his previous Amicus outing (The Land that Time Forgot) for the same director. I can't claim that there's anything special about McClure's performances. He's just this dude, and when crazy fantastical shit starts happening, he deals with it. He has charisma without trying. And he makes a good paring with Peter Cushing, who turns in a believable if somewhat irritating performance as the proverbial absent minded professor. Perry is somewhere between Will Hartnell era Doctor Who and Grandpa Simpson, with a dash of the Doctor Who character as played by Cushing himself in the two technicolor feature film adaptations produced by Amicus. It can get on the nerves a bit, to be honest, but Cushing does get the films' two best moments: he takes on a dinosaur whilst armed with nothing but his crazy old professor umbrella, and when the Mahars are trying to use their psychic powers on him, he gets to proudly proclaim, "You cannot mesmerize me. I'm British!" If that's not the greatest movie line ever, it's only because Cushing also gets to say, "Monsters? But we're British!" in Horror Express.

And then there's Caroline Munro.


OK, yeah. You're right. She doesn't really have much to do in this film other than slink around in a furry micro-bikini while coated in a thin sheen of sweat, but oh is she ever good at it. Who wouldn't punch out Jubal the Ugly One to win her affections? Caroline represents everything that was good and right with starlets in the 60s and 70s. Yes, she brings the sex appeal, but she also brings an affable warmth and agreeability to the proceedings. There's no hint that she feels this material is beneath her (and Munro could certainly perform at a much greater level than demanded of her in this film), no need to sneer or seem above it all. She's in it and having fun, and there's nothing about her that doesn't make her the easiest girl in the world with whom to fall in love. Or whatever emotion governs a reaction to gorgeous cavewoman princesses with killer smiles.

Paired with the really weird LSD atmosphere of the movie, the cast simply makes At the Earth's Core a treat despite its many impossible to ignore faults. Many times, I've been able to dismiss a film's short-comings and justify my adoration of it by spinning some yarn about how I saw the movie as a young boy, and blah blah blah. Not so with this one, though. I first saw At the Earth's Core when I was in college. Realizing that i was witnessing something completely weird, I threw a tape into my VCR and recorded about 70% of the film. It became one of the most cherished gifts I ever gave my stoner buddy Ken (the other cherished gift was Young Taoism Fighter). But I can't even play the "dude, I was so wasted" card, because I was stone cold sober at the time. Granted, I hadn't slept in like three days, and I'm pretty sure this was during the time when I was doing an experiment that involved eating Taco Bell for breakfast every morning after not sleeping. Whatever the case, At the Earth's Core succeeds for me when it just as easily might have failed, thanks largely to the freaky feel and an able cast. Sometimes, you just like a bad movie.

Well, most of the time, if you are me.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 1 Comments


Sunday, June 08, 2008

War Gods of the Deep

Release Year: 1965
Country: United States and England
Starring: Vincent Price, David Tomlinson, Tab Hunter, Susan Hart, John Le Mesurier, Harry Oscar, Derek Newark, Roy Patrick.
Writer: Charles Bennett, Louis Heyward
Director: Jacques Tourneur
Cinematographer: Stephen Dade
Music: Stanley Black
Producer: George Willoughby
Alternate Titles: City Under the Sea
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


If the world was just and kind, then the sentence, "It's a movie where Vincent Price stars as a madman who rules over an underwater society of fishmen prone to kidnapping scantily clad beautiful women," would indicate the existence of probably one of the greatest films ever made. But the world is often cold and heartless and it often enjoys toying with us mere mortals as did the petty and jealous Greek gods of old. Therefore, the sentence, "It's a movie where Vincent Price stars as a madman who rules over an underwater society of fishmen prone to kidnapping scantily clad beautiful women," does not indicate the existence of one of the greatest movies of all time, but instead, indicates the existence of a shocking dull film in which Vincent Price sits in a cave while a couple stiffs run around in tunnels, and then some stuff blows up at the end. This, sadly, is the fantasy world conjured up by the lackluster War Gods of the Deep -- a modestly entertaining film in spots, but a tremendous letdown given the talent in front of and behind the camera.

By 1965, the year this film was released, American International Pictures had enjoyed considerable success mining the works of Edgar Allan Poe for a series of films starring Vincent Price (and Ray Milland, once) and directed by Roger Corman. The streak began with Corman's low-budget but lavish looking adaptation of The Fall of the House of Usher and continued with The Premature Burial, The Pit and the Pendulum, Tales of Terror, The Haunted Palace, The Raven, Masque of the Red Death, and The Tomb of Ligeia. These films represented something new and relatively risky for AIP, then a studio that specialized in making cheap, fast black and white double features. Corman, inspired by the work that was happening at England's Hammer Studio, convinced AIP to let him shoot in color, a single film, with a bigger budget (though still tiny) and longer shooting schedule (though still incredibly fast). The resulting film, The Fall of the House of Usher, did big time box office for AIP, is considered one of the all-time great horror films, and convinced AIP of a couple things. First, that color films with more money put into them were a worthwhile investment, especially when someone as good as Corman at turning out expensive looking results for pennies was on board. Second, that they should tack Edgar Allan Poe's name onto everything and plumb his works mercilessly.


Although all the films in the first AIP Poe cycle were good, and most of them were great, several of them had very little to do with the Poe poem or short story from which they took their name. The Raven, for example, uses the Poe poem for its opening scene, with Price being plagued by a mysterious raven. But as soon as the raven starts wisecracking in Peter Lorre's voice, you can guess that the Poe material is out the window. The Pit and the Pendulum takes the Poe source material and extends it with a number of subplots original to the screenplay or snatched piecemeal from other sources. And in the case of The Haunted Palace -- one of the very best films in the Poe cycle -- it wasn't based on Poe at all. It was actually based on The Strange Case of Charles Dexter Ward by H.P. Lovecraft. But AIP felt that audiences wouldn't know who the hell Lovecraft was. Distributors agreed. And so, despite Corman's protests, it became an Edgar Allan Poe movie.

Dubious connections to the source material not withstanding, all of the films were very good (well, I'm not that fond of Tales of Terror, but that's because I don't care for anthology films), thanks to the line-up they enjoyed: Corman as director, Price (and Milland once) as star, and Richard Matheson as the screenwriter (most of the time). Matheson was to AIP horror what Jimmy Sangster was to Hammer horror: consistently wonderful. In 1965, AIP decided to stretch Poe's connection even further, tapping one of his short tales called The City in the Sea as a source for War Gods of the Deep. But other than having Price read some of the story for the opening credits, War Gods of the Deep has very little to do with Poe. AIP would take a similar approach during it's second round of Poe horror films, with The Witchfinder General being retitled Edgar Allan Poe's The Conqueror Worm -- a title justified by having Price read some of the original poem before the film launched off into a plot that has pretty much nothing to do with the poem or Poe. In that case, however, the movie was good. In the case of War Gods of the Deep, the results were...not as impressive. But it isn't for lack of trying. Although Roger Corman wasn't directing, AIp assigned Jacques Tourneur to the film. Tourneur is perhaps best known as the director of such films as Night of the Demon and the Val Lewton produced films Cat People, I Walked with a Zombie, and The Leopard Man. All of them are considered classics, and deservedly so. On top of that, he directed one of the all time great noir films, 1947's Out of the Past starring Robert Mitchum. And then there was the classic Burt Lancaster swashbuckler epic The Flame and the Arrow. By the 1960s, however, Tourneur's best years were perhaps behind him, and he found himself working in television and at AIP, first as director of the Poe-esque Comedy of Terrors which features one of my all-time favorite idiotically hilarious scenes (when awful opera singing causes Vincent Price's undertaker top hat to pop off wit a "boop!" sound effect), and then as director on War Gods of the Deep.


And while the film isn't written by Richard Matheson (most famous for being the author who penned I Am Legend, the book that inspired everything from Night of the Living Dead to Last Man on Earth to The Asylum's I Am Omega), AIP did get Charles Bennett, who was no slouch in the screenwriting department. Among his sundry credits are the very first filmed version of Ian Fleming's Casino Royale, the black and white version made as part of the Climax! television series, where James Bond goes by Jimmy and was played by Barry Nelson. Bennett also wrote plenty of classic scripts, including work for Hitchcock (Sabotage, Secret Agent, and Foreign Correspondent), the adventure classic King Solomon's Mines, and Tourneur's own Night of the Demon. He was also frequently tapped by producer Irwin Allen both for movie (The Lost World, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea) and television (Land of the Giants, the Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea series) scripts. Of course, there are a few turkeys in his resume, including the epic misfires The Story of Mankind (Irwin Allen's attempt to tell in sweeping epic fashion the complete history of mankind, from caveman times to the present and starring pretty much every B lister and has-been ever, from the past their prime Marx Brothers to Cesar Romero, Peter Lorre, John Carradine, Heddy Lamar, and of course, Vincent Price as Ol' Mr. Scratch) and Cecil B. DeMille's sweeping and often dull tale of piracy and romance on the 19th Century Georgia coast, Reap the Wild Wind. On the other hand, that's the movie where Bennett was smart enough to write a scene where John Wayne battles a giant squid, so that counts for something. Still, that's a basically solid resume, especially for this type of film.

Despite the presence of Vincent Price and the shaky Poe tie-in, War Gods of the Deep isn't considered part of the Poe cycle, not so much because it wasn't directed by Corman, but more because it plays out less like a gothic horror film and more like the Clif Notes version of a Jules Verne fantasy adventure film. Of course, Disney had already made pretty much the be-all and end-all Jules Verne fantasy adventure film in 1954 with 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Anything else was going to pale in comparison to a film that had the benefit of Disney's vast financial resources and Kirk Douglas shaking his bon-bon while singing sea chanties and wearing a jaunty little cap. But that never stopped AIP, or anyone else for that matter. And so, in 1965, Tourneur, Bennett, Price, and AIP took us under the ocean for what we all hoped would be a really cool adventure film.


And things start off well enough. Beautiful Jill Tregillis (Susan Hart, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, Pajama Party) is minding her own business in her castle by the coast bedroom when, all of a sudden, she is attacked and kidnapped by a hideous gillman who looks like that dude who helped Lando fly the Millennium Falcon in Return of the Jedi. Perturbed by the kidnapping of his beloved by this uppity haddock, square-jawed hero Ben Harris (reliable Tab Hunter) and his nebbish, ferret-faced sidekick Harold Tufnell-Jones (Disney live-action film regular David Tomilson) follow in leisurely pursuit. And for some reason, Tufnell-Jones (presumably an ancestor of legendary heavy metal guitarist Nigel Tufnell) insists on bring along his trusty pet: a chicken in a basket. Why exactly, this guy goes everywhere with a chicken is a mystery. Why he is a bachelor, of course, is not. Tufnell-Jones and his chicken are there to provide frequent comic relief. Guess how many times you will laugh at their shenanigans!

Ben and the chicken lover soon find themselves in a maze of sub-aquatic (but never the less dry) caves inhabited by a population of long-lived men ruled over by the mad Captain Hugh (Vincent Price). It seems that Price and his men were once smugglers and, while fleeing from the authorities, stumbled upon this network of sub-aquatic caves leading to the remnants of a city constructed by a highly advanced civilization. By the time Price arrived, however, the society was centuries into decline, the secrets of their technology being lost and the former inhabitants being reduced to nothing more than animalistic gillmen. Price and company made themselves at home amid the decaying remains of the city under the sea, and something about the air down there and the lack of exposure to UV light has resulted in them living for hundreds of years.

Price commands the gillmen, for they consider him their god for one reason or another (no problem -- I sort of consider him a god as well) and he had them kidnap Jill for the usual reason: she is the exact spitting image of the captain's long dead true love. When our heroes arrive to rescue her, they promptly get captured but stave off execution by pretending to be geologists who can help Price out with the big problem: the volcano. Everyone spends some time stalking around the cave-palace, which like pretty much every undersea kingdom in the history of movies about undersea kingdoms, is threatened by a nearby underwater volcano that is going to erupt any moment now. Eventually, Ben, Jill, and their comic relief load are forced to don unwieldy Victorian-style scuba gear (which, for some reason, demands gigantic helmets into which you can fit a man's head and his accompanying chicken) and flee for their lives with Hugh and his murderous followers in hot pursuit.

And by hot pursuit, I mean...well, let me explain this in detail. You see, everyone is underwater. When you are in water, you swim. It's really the best way to get around. That's why all fish do it. That's why pretty much everyone does it except for those sprinters who practice by trying to run underwater. That established, we then move on to the fact that watching people swim in movies is usually boring. The pitfalls of scuba scenes in cinema are well documented. So how could you take a scene -- scuba diving underwater -- that could be really boring even if properly done, and ensure that it's even more boring than you could possibly imagine? Well, instead of swimming, the people could be walking underwater. Yes, indeed. War Gods of the Deep is one of the only movies that thought what people really wanted to see was a foot chase on the floor of the ocean, with people flopping about awkwardly and moving incredibly slowly. But that's not really enough, you also have to make the scene go on for like ten minutes, and pad it out with dialog-free close-ups of Tufnell-Jones and his chicken looking around.


Now keep in mind that I have a pretty big tolerance for underwater scenes, owing largely to my fascination with what Cousteau referred to as "the silent world" and my love of diving. So trust me when I tell you that this underwater foot chase scene is one of the most horribly boring scenes I've ever seen. They try to spice things up by having guys shoot crossbows from time to time, but since no one ever actually gets hit, that never pays off. And every now and then, some of the gillmen swim up and mess around with Ben and the crew, presumably confused by the fact that these humans are walking underwater instead of swimming (thus the ability of the gillmen to swim circles around them). Despite the fact tat the gillmen can swim, breathe underwater, and aren't weighed down by cumbersome iron helmets, they aren't very effective at attacking our slowly fleeing heroes. You can pretty much defeat them by swatting at them in that slow-motion way that occurs when you are underwater. It's a tremendous relief when everyone resurfaces inside some weird temple. The volcano explodes, a giant hand falls on Vincent Price, and a singularly terrifying moment occurs when the heroes put their scuba gear back on. Dear God, no! Please! No more scenes of people awkwardly walking around underwater! This time, however, we're in luck, because the good guys crawl out of the water and the movie ends.

I'm not sure what went wrong. Good director, good screenwriter, a good cast. I mean, Tab Hunter is no Doug McClure, but he's fine in this role, even though a lot of people pick on his performance. He's a one-note character, but so is everyone else. And Hunter proves adept at singing the note "stiff straight man." Susan Hart is vapid and has nothing to do, but she does that nothing well. There's no chemistry at all between her and Hunter, and once again, as I did with Arabian Adventure, I can't help but think that this movie would have been greatly improved if our lovers were played by Doug McClure and Caroline Munro. But Hunter and hart are acceptable. Heck, even comic relief guy is unfunny but relatively inoffensive and easy to ignore. To some degree, the blame for this misfire falls on the producer, Louis Heyward, who insisted on monkeying with the script endlessly and much to Tourneur's annoyance. But AIP sided with Heyward in the conflict, and his changes remained despite the protests of Tourneur, Vincent Price (who had great respect for Tourneur and very little respect for Heyward), and original screenwriter Bennett. But that can only go so far in explaining things -- the nail in the coffin of an already flawed work, as it were.

And you know, if I'm replacing cast members, we might as well get rid of David Tomlinson and replace him with Terry-Thomas.

Thrilling scenes from the climax of War Gods of the Deep

Maybe the whole thing played out better on paper, and no realized how boring it was going to be when actually committed to film. Actually, let me alter that. This movie really isn't terrible up until the underwater foot chase. It's no classic of fantasy adventure cinema, but it's harmless enough. But the underwater footage deep sixes the rest of the movie, which just isn't buoyant enough to stay afloat with the dead albatross of the underwater foot chase around it's neck. Is that enough seafarin' allusions for ya? Then let's stop beating that dead seahorse and move on to some of the film's other problems. First and foremost is, and I never thought I'd say this, Vincent Price's performance. We've seen Price play it cool and reserved before to great effect, but the decision for him to play mad Cap'n Hugh with Fall of the Hous eof Usher style reserve was, in my opinion, a tremendous mistake. This movie could have survived its dreadful underwater chase scene if Price had been hamming it up and playing Hugh as crazy and nutty as the script alludes to him being.

Instead, Price's Hugh comes off as dull. The script is too thin to lend the character a sense of gravity, so there's no real emotional reaction to him. He's a villain you hate, or love to hate, or relish, or grow to sympathize with. He merely exists on film for a duration of time, and then a big stone hand falls on him. I mean, this is a mad sea captain living in an undersea city that looks like a crumbling Victorian castle and commanding an army of mutant gillmen while giving speeches about the end of the world. Why on earth would anyone think to play that character with quiet reserve? Vincent Price is, as I think I've written before, one of my favorite actors. Quite possibly, he's my most favorite actor. He never gives less than 100%, and he doesn't give less than 100% here. But the character is so boring, and Price plays it so straight, that War Gods of the Deep becomes perhaps the only film in which Price is upstaged by a irritating guy with a chicken in a basket.

Speaking of the chicken -- what the hell was that about? It's not like the chicken ever does anything wacky, or like it jumps out and pecks Price on the foot or something. It is simply carried around for the entire movie, having no point at all. Even within the realm of unfunny comic relief, surely no one thinks the mere presence of a chicken is hilarious. A monkey, sure. But a chicken? I don't get it. This was apparently one of Louis Heyward's most important contributions t the script, and it's obvious why everyone else involved with the film thought the guy was a jack-ass. It's just another way to pad out a really threadbare script. It seems like Bennett got a great concept but quickly wrote himself into a corner, possibly because of budgetary constraints -- but I'm not going to buy that considering how many exciting and imaginative films were done with as little or even less money.

Not being able to come up with anything for anyone to do, the movie falls back on repetitive dialog scenes in which Vincent Price explains to us that the glowing,pulsating volcano is a threat (because we wouldn't have figured it out after the first warning) or in which Tab Hunter and the guy with the chicken ask other people if they remember how to get to the surface. The sudden presence of a beautiful woman who is to be the sole property of the captain amid an undersea kingdom populated entirely by men lends itself to potential conflict, but that's never bothered with. Or the use of the dim-witted gillmen as thugs and sacrificial lambs who perhaps begin to resent the captain's manipulation of them? But no, it never goes in that direction either. Like the characters in the movie, it just sort of half-heartedly wanders around the same caverns over and over, until the volcano finally erupts.


Still, as dull as this film turns out to be, there are some redeeming qualities. Well, there's one. The sets are really nice. And the gillmen are kind of cool looking, even if they end up having very little to do. Tourneur -- accustomed to working in black and white and employing shadows to great effect -- turns out to be equally adept at manipulating th candy colored Technicolor hues. Although War Gods of the Deep isn't a good film to watch, it's a great film to look at. Tourneur's direction coupled with cinematography by Stephen Dade is gorgeous to behold. And as with the sets, War Gods of the Deep has excellent costumes and the look of a much more expensive production than it actually was.

But that's precious little to go on, especially when you could be spending your time with far superior aquatic adventures, like the aforementioned Disney version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or the Japanese film Atragon (from which this film steals some scenes, incidentally). This is also a sad film to end up being the last in Tourneur's career. If only a giant squid had attacked the city or something, but no. That would have been something interesting, and this film is committed to making sure nothing interesting happens. It's all, as I said, a tremendous disappointment given the talented cast and crew assembled. But it's one misstep after another, making War Gods of the Deep the extremely rare crappy fantasy film I actually can't recommend. Well, maybe watch it once...but just once.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 1 Comments


Friday, April 04, 2008

Arabian Adventure

Release Year: 1979
Country: England
Starring: Puneet Sira, Oliver Tobias, Christopher Lee, Milo O'Shea, Emma Samms, Peter Cushing, Capucine, Mickey Rooney, John Wyman, John Ratzenberger, Milton Reid.
Writer: Brian Hayle
Director: Kevin Conner
Cinematographer: Alan Hume
Music: Ken Thorne
Producer: John Dark
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


In my review of The Phantom of Soho, I talked about a few of the over-arching themes that run throughout everything we do here at Teleport City. I'd like to mention, for this review, another of the many themes that define what we do here: the idea that my level of intelligence and sophistication has evolved very little since I was ten years old. The years 1976 to 1986, roughly spanning ages four to fourteen for me, seem to be when I discovered the bulk of what I would end up liking for the rest of my life. At the time, my enthusiasm for entertainment that was sometimes, to be charitable, of dubious merit, could be chalked up to simple naivety -- the juvenile tastes of a juvenile. Perfectly acceptable, even if it did mean that I was prone to celebrating things like Treasure of the Four Crowns and Gymkata. However, years -- nay, decades -- later, I find that when I go back and revisit these films so beloved in my youth, rather than having a quiet chuckle at how silly I was back then, I actually enjoy them just as much. And sometimes even more.

Time after time, I've sat down to be disillusioned, or to wonder how I could have liked such lowbrow fare when I could have spent my time brushing up on classic works of literature, only to find myself hooting with glee and running about the room in unabashed glee as I witnessed some fantastical orgy of ninja gore or oiled-up barbarians. Think of it as my childlike sense of wonder, if you are feeling generous, or shake your head in sorrow as you realize that I did indeed completely stop growing mentally at age fourteen.

Still, one must assume that even I have my limits, and there must be a film at there that I loved as a kid and would not still love as an adult. I was told countless times by many people I trust that the 1979 fantasy film Arabian Adventure would be that film. Because make no mistake about it -- I loved this film when I was it in the theaters. Looking back on it, I could remember very little. I don't think I ever saw it again after that first time. All I could recall about the film was a genie, something about Mickey Rooney inside a giant golden clockwork robot, and magic carpet dogfights. Heck, I didn't even remember that it starred venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee. I have no idea why I didn't remember him but did remember Mickey Rooney. I don't think I was a big Mickey Rooney fan in my youth. In fact, I think I've only ever seen two Mickey Rooney films in my entire life.


Anyway, for years I snooped around, hoping to discover that Arabian Adventure had suddenly appeared on home video in some format that wouldn't require me to shell out $30 for someone's crappy VHS bootleg with a label hand-written in pencil. But for one reason or another, it always seemed to be MIA, and so I was left celebrating the merits of the film while all those around me who had seen it more recently made with the ominous proclamations of, "You're going to be disappointed with that one, chief." Impossible! I mean -- seriously: magic carpet dog fights!

Finally, after years of waiting outside a temple, seated in the lotus position and refusing both food and water, ignoring the rain, the snow, the scorching heat, the jackals, the police telling me to move along, after all of that, one day I performed my hopeful little search on Netflix, and low and behold, there it was. Arabian Adventure! Needless to say, I had to bump certain classics, like Kickboxer IV (oh, the things I'll do for Michelle Krasnoo...the things I'd let her do to me...), a little lower on the list, but it was worth it to move this long-awaited gem from my youth to the top of the queue. Finally, the moment of truth had arrived. Would Arabian Adventure prove to be, as has been predicted by soothsayers and friends with my best interests at heart, a massive disappointment, forcing me to call into question everything I've ever held dear, permanently casting a gloomy shadow of resentment and melancholy over my childhood? Or would my seemingly indefatigable ability to pleased by damn near anything triumph, reinforcing the idea that I see the world through the rose-colored lenses of a child and also have the brain of a seven-year-old?


Well, I've rewatched the movie now, and let me say this: magic carpet dogfights.

Yes, it's true; my bottomless lack of taste (I'm watching Navy SEALS as I write this) and sound judgment wins again! I enjoyed Arabian Adventure to no end, reveled in every clunky special effect, thrilled to scenes of guys gliding around on magic carpets suspended by wires, and looked with the kind eyes of an old friend upon the visage of Mickey Rooney running around inside not one, but three giant golden clockwork robots. And then there's venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee as the evil caliph Alquazar, doing his usual shtick and sporting a big ol' mustache. And then there's a kid with a monkey, a beautiful princess, a dashing prince, a scheming fat guy, some chick who lives inside a sapphire, Peter Cushing as the world's least convincing Arab, and did I mention that this movie has magic carpet dogfights? Yes, I did.

And what makes my adoration of this film all the more shameful is that it has all these things, but doesn't do anything particularly interesting with them. The prince and princess are boring. Mickey Rooney is irritating and seems to have been bitten by a radioactive community theater performer and thus been imbued with all the proportional over-acting and hamming abilities that come with such a position in life. The special effects,while ambitious, are rarely any good. The entire movie plays like a fan-made "greatest hits of the Arabian Nights" highlight reel. And none of that seems to matter to me.


So here's the deal. The film begins with young Majeed (Puneet Sira) and his pet monkey arriving in a matte painting of the ancient Arabian city of Jhador, populated primarily by second unit stock footage of camels and guys sitting around in doorways. Majeed has arrived in the middle of sweeping events. People are plotting the overthrow of the ruthless Caliph Dracula (venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee), while Caliph Dracula himself is plotting to recover the mystical Rose of Elil, a sacred artifact that will, in some vague way, grant him the ultimate power to rule over the world, or something to that effect. Artifacts that grant you the power to rule the world are rarely clear on exactly how they plan to go about it. They are, in that way, very much like your modern politician -- all full of promises and rhetoric, but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts, the promises tend to fall apart. But that's small potatoes to worry about for a guy who has somehow managed to imprison his own soul in a fire pit and spends his free time taunting it. For its part, the soul spends most of its time being sort of petulant and whiny and generally making you understand why Caliph Dracula imprisoned it in the first place.

Unable to retrieve the rose himself, for it must be plucked by a pure and righteous hand, Caliph Dracula enlists the aid of dashin' Prince Hasan (Oliver Tobias), who has fallen in love with Princess Zuliera (Emma Samms) despite having never actually seen or met her, and who seems completely oblivious to the fact that Caliph Dracula is evil and enjoys crushing his subjects beneath the iron fist of his mad tyranny. But he looks damn good in his swashbuckling Arabian prince outfit. Majeed ends up in possession of a magic gem that contains a trapped sorceress (Capucine) who, grateful for him releasing her, grants Majeed three life-saving wishes. Through typical movie convolution, this results in Majeed suddenly appearing on the back of a magic carpet piloted by dashin' Prince Hasan and Khasim (Milo O'Shea), a spy assigned by Caliph Dracula to accompany dashin' Prince Hasan and stab him in the back (literally) once he has the rose. Needless to say, Khasim is vexed that this half-naked young rascal has suddenly appeared out of nowhere on their magic carpet, and so he spends the bulk of their flight trying to knock him off.


Their quest for the magic rose leads them on a variety of adventures that involve a murderous genie (big Milton Reid, sporting weird googly eyes), a trio of fire-breathing monsters that end up being controlled by Mickey Rooney, and a lake of guys who try to grab your legs. As far as trials go, I have to admit, I've seen more challenging. I mean, Hercules had to clean stables that hadn't been cleaned in dozens of years, and dashin' Prince Hasan has to defeat Mickey Rooney? That hardly seems fair -- especially when Majeed does all the work. I mean, maybe the psychotic laughing genie would have posed a threat if he had been able to hit the broadside of a mosque with his magic firebolts, but he proves incapable of hitting a squirming fat guy all of five feet away -- and then he gets defeated when dashin' Prince Hasan tips over a bottle! That's Scooby Doo quality adventure right there. The quests get more challenging when Khasim pulls his power play. Before too long, dashin' Prince Hasan and Majeed find themselves leading a revolution, rescuing a princess, fighting with Caliph Dracula in a lake of fire, and engaging in magic carpet dogfights with Caliph Dracula's all-carpet air force of guy's who primary skill seems to be to wave their swords awkwardly at dashin' Prince Hasan, while he waves his sword awkwardly at them, causing hem to fall off their magic carpets. Someone should look into seat belts or something for those things.

Lyz at And You Call Yourself a Scientist -- one of my absolute favorite movie sites on the web -- said of Arabian Adventure, "It is hard to imagine any but the least discriminating of viewers -- of any age -- really enjoying this film." And I can't really debate her on this matter. Instead, about all I can do is admit that it has been my goal to live the sort of life and put forth the sort of opinions that would result in my eventual tombstone reading, "America's Least Discerning Viewer." My other choice for an epitaph was, "It Took a Dozen Texas Marshals to Finally Bring Him Down." Anyway, I freely admit that pretty much all of the criticisms that someone could lay at the feet of Arabian Adventure stick with the tenacity of an extra-gooey Wacky Wall Walker fresh out of the gum machine capsule. None of these should come as any shock if you are familiar with the writer-director team who brought you this movie. Because the last couple of movies they brought you were were just as bad or even worse (and yeah -- I liked them, too).


Director Kevin Conner and screenwriter Brian Hayles are responsible for a trio of Edgar Rice Burroughs inspired fantasy adventure films: At the Earth's Core, starring Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, and Peter Cushing (and featuring one of the single greatest lines and deliveries in movie history: "You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!"), and the one-two punch of The Land that Time Forgot and The People that Time Forgot, both starring just Doug McClure. Hayles and Conner (they toured with Seals and Croft, I think) also made Warlords of Atlantis, which stars Doug McClure but is not based on an Edgar Rice Burroughs story . It does often get me confused when I think it's War Gods of the Deep, which featured Vincent Price and Tab Hunter -- and buddy, Tab Hunter is no Doug McClure. Oliver Tobias, also, is no Doug McClure.

Anyway, the films of Conner and Hayles are almost universally reviled by everyone except, apparently, me. And I have loved every last one of them. Even The People that Time Forgot. Even Arabian Adventure, though it could have really used some Doug McClure. In fact, given that the wooden dullness of our prince and princess is one of Arabian Adventure's greatest weaknesses, the film could have been improved immensely if dashin' Prince Hasan had been played by Doug McClure and Princess Zuleira played by Caroline Munro. But I guess Doug McClure was too rugged and Joe Don Baker-esque to play a dashing prince (since he specialized in playing cool Americans in British films), and Caroline Munro had already been an Arabian princess in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. Still, man that would have been awesome, or at least more awesome than Oliver Tobias and Emma Samms -- both of whom look the part but offer very little in the way of charisma.


As bad as Conner and Hayles' previous movies may have been, at least each of them had something that could keep people from being totally cranky about watching them. Land that Time Forgot enjoyed the services of Doug McClure and features WWI German U-boat guys fighting dinosaurs, and that's enough for me. People that Time Forgot enjoys the services of Doug McClure with a caveman beard and Sarah Douglas in expedition jodhpurs. And At the Earth's Core? My Lord! It's got Doug McClure fighting night immobile paper mache monsters, Caroline Munro in a loin cloth waving a knife around, and Peter Cushing in one of the most hilarious "absent minded professor" roles ever. Plus, it has the line "You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!" -- which is bested only by Cushing's line in Horror Express where, indignant at the suggestion that he could have been possessed by the monster stalking the train, exclaims, "Monsters?!?! We're British!"

Arabian Adventure does not have the benefit of charismatic players like Munro, McClure, or Peter Cushing -- which is an odd thing to say, since it features Peter Cushing. Cushing is one of a handful of "special guest stars," which is a nice way of saying that they owed Conner some sort of a favor or something. Cushing appears in a bit role as a holy man imprisoned in Caliph Dracula's dungeon, and as an Arab holy man, Peter Cushing is a very convincing 19th century British scientist. The other guest stars -- Mickey Rooney and Milo O'Shea -- have larger parts and even pass themselves off fairly believably as Arabs (by the standards of fat Irish guys pretending to be Arabs), but each one seems intent on outdoing the other in the field of hammy over-acting. I suppose that's good, because no one else seemed all that interested in putting any effort into their parts. Actually, that's not true. I firmly believe that Oliver Tobias tried really hard. But he's the film's Keanu Reeves. He's earnest, good looking,and really wants to do a good job; he just can't. But at least the script gives him some chances to shine, even if he fails as an actor to rise tot he occasion. He gets to have badly executed sword fights, fly around on magic carpets, jump over stuff, and tip over a genie bottle. Poor Emma Samms is saddled with a character so thinly written that the poor actress was doomed to be boring before the first frame was ever shot. Her princess is a sheltered woman who has never left the confines of Caliph Dracula's palace. She has nothing to do but walk from room to room, and eventually sit around and listen to Caliph Dracula's imprisoned soul complain about being imprisoned. Eventually, dashin' Prince Hasan rescues her. Or really, Majeed rescues her and dashin' Prince Hasan happens to be int he same general area and of legal age, so what are you gonna do?


Speaking of which, although I apparently didn't mind them as a kid, as an adult I usually hate movies starring children. I don't care for children in general, so watching a movie about one just seems pointless to me. But young Indian actor Puneet Sira seems possessed of all the charisma and charm that is lacking in Samms and Tobias. It's hard not to compare him to Sabu, the young Indian star of films like Arabian Nights and Thief of Baghdad. So let me compare him to Sabu. As a Sabu stand-in, he's exceptional, and we should be thankful that Conner at least took the time to find a likable and talented child instead of just casting Sabu, then in his...oh. Umm, then in his grave. OK, backing away from whatever Old Man Sabu joke I was hoping to make...

Which leaves us with venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee. Although his character is called Alquazar in this film, I prefer to refer to him as Caliph Dracula for two reasons. First, I know doing stuff like that irritates venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee (who I'm sure reads this site all the time) to no end, and any chance I have to irritate venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee is a chance I can't let pass me by. Second, he basically gives the exact same performance he gave in Satanic Rites of Dracula, and Dracula AD 1972, and the Fu Manchu movies (they apparently let him keep the mustache from those films, because he has it on here), and honestly -- most of the movies he's ever been in. Don't get me wrong -- he does it very well most of the time, but it does tend to get a tad familiar. His character here is given very little to do other than wait around in his lair while his minion does all the hard work (a la Dracula AD 1972), so venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee doesn't really seem to be giving it his all.


Eventually, he gets in a really clumsy battle with dashin' Prince Hasan, then chases Majeed up a rock, but that's about it. Oh, and he turns a fat guy into a frog. But he doesn't seem to be enjoying it very much, and once again, I can't help but think how much better this film would have been if they'd cast someone else -- Vincent Price, for example. Oh, now there's a movie! Vincent Price, Doug McClure, and Caroline Munro! If I had myself a magic sapphire genie, that would be my first wish. My second wish would be that venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee wrote me an email about how my jokes hurt his feelings, and then he ends the email with a sad face emoticon. Of course, my third wish would be that George Clooney was my friend. We're both Kentucky boys, after all. Since Doug McClure is, sadly, no longer with us, I'd let Clooney be in my remake of Arabian Adventure. I don't know who I'd get for Alquazar. Luckily, Caroline Munro, now nearly 60, is every bit as hot and talented as she was in her 20s. Maybe I could cast Alec Baldwin as Alquazar. Or venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee!

So you may be asking yourself how I can spend the bulk of a review talking about how crappy a film is, then use that as criteria for concluding that I love the movie. Hey, this is Teleport City, baby, and the scientific method simply does not apply. And yeah, Arabian Adventure fails on a lot of levels for a lot of people. But not for me, because I had as much fun watching it today as I had watching nigh those many years ago. The lack of charisma in the leads doesn't bug me. The fact that venerated horror film icon is giving a "just collecting a paycheck until I can go on to better films like Howling II and An Eye For An Eye" performance doesn't bother me. The weak effects don't bother me. The film is childish and clunky, and I love it. I love the magic carpet dogfights. I love the crummy sword fights. I love all the opulent but obvious matte painting backgrounds.


Speaking of obviously painted backgrounds, now is as good a time as any to breach the subject of the special effects. In 1977, as you may have heard, Star Wars was released upon the unsuspecting masses, and whatever its merits as a film (and I'm not trying to seem edgy by being a Star Wars hater -- I loved it then and I love it still today), there's no real credible way to deny the profound impact it had on special effects. It represented a quantum leap forward, and while you can say that nothing was ever the same after that, the fact is that there were a few stragglers that came in post-Star Wars but with very pre-Star Wars effects. Sometimes this had to do with the effects supervisor. Sometimes it had to do with the budget. In the case of Arabian Adventure, I'm pretty sure it was both.

Like most sci-fi and fantasy films that came in the wake of Star Wars, Arabian Adventure billed itself as a Star Wars like special effects extravaganza. If Star Wars was like watching Harry Houdini make an elephant vanish, Arabian Adventure was like watching a clumsy kid try to pull off a trick from his Blackstone the Magician illusion set. It's cute, even charming in its way, but also sort of awkward and embarrassing.

Special effects supervisor George Gibbs shoots for the moon and ends up a fair distance from his target. He was early in his career, having worked previously with director Kevin Conner on Warlords of Atlantis, and then doing some model work on Richard Donner's Superman before moving on to this film. Hamstrung by a small budget and limited resources, I think he intended to rely heavily on the gee whiz quaintness of his approach and on the untrained eyes of young children. The most ambitious effects are the magic carpets, realized through a combination of rear-screen projection, hoisting guys around on wires, and then letting little plastic guys tear around scale models of the city. None of these work terribly well, but there is a charm to watching little action figures on flying carpets wobble about in between scale model minarets. The other big effects are the genie -- which is simple superimposition and animation, and sahib Rooney's giant monsters, which are miniatures that rely on forced perspective shots that are sometimes effective and sometimes make Majeed look like a giant.


Still, I always appreciate a crude effect, and Arabian Adventure is endearing in it's unwillingness to live within its means. This film certainly didn't kill Gibbs' career, and he went on to create all sorts of wildly uneven visual or effects for everything from 1980's Flash Gordon to Conan the Barbarian. Obviously, the got got really good at his craft pretty quickly, and he went on to work on films like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Brazil, Alien 3, and more recently, From Hell and Doom. His work in Arabian Adventure is without a doubt a throwback to effects that probably weren't even considered all that good in 1969, let alone 1979, but like I said -- they're sort of cute. In fact, pretty much everyone who worked on the effects for this film went on to very successful, and in some cases award-winning, careers. It goes without saying that none of those awards were for Arabian Adventure.

I have a tremendous weakness (one of many) for fantastic romanticized visions of ancient Arabia, and as pedestrian as some may find it, Arabian Adventure manages to satisfy the kid in me. I mean, don't misunderstand -- this film is nowhere near the caliber of the old Arabian Nights film, or either the Douglas Fairbanks or Sabu versions of The Thief of Badhdad. And it's not in the league of the 1960s Sinbad movies with effects by Ray Harryhausen. But as dumb Saturday matinee fare, I still enjoy Arabian Adventure despite the sundry flaws. It would make a perfect double bill with Sinbad of the Seven Seas starring Lou Ferrigno.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 4 Comments


Monday, January 21, 2008

Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Release Year: 1989
Country: Italy
Starring: Lou Ferrigno, John Steiner, Roland Wybenga, Ennio Girolami, Hal Yamanouchi, Yehuda Efroni, Alessandra Martines, Teagan Clive, Stefania Girolami, Melonee Rodgers, Cork Hubbert, Daria Nicolodi.
Writer: Luigi Cozzi and Enzo Castellari
Director: Enzo Castellari
Cinematographer: Blasco Giurato
Music: Dov Seltzer
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


I can anticipate a lot of things that would potentially show up as the first shot in a Sinbad the Sailor movie (as opposed to Sinbad the Comedian movie, though I can also imagine the first shot in that movie as well, and it's Sinbad making an exaggerated screaming face and running away in fast motion from a poopy baby diaper), but one thing I never expected was a still shot of Edgar Allen Poe. It's that same one everyone uses when they need a photo of Edgar Allen Poe. Maybe that's the only one. I don't know. I also didn't know why Poe would be associated with the opening of a Sinbad the Sailor movie, though I could understand it in a Sinbad the Comedian movie, what with the macabre and all. Luckily, this film begins with a text crawl that explains to me that Edgar Allen Poe wrote a story called " The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade," and it is upon that tale this movie is based.

Within the first few minutes, I found the claim that this movie was based on a story by Edgar Allen Poe to be somewhat, for the sake of tact, let's say "dubious." Luckily, we live in the future, and while the future has let us down in so many ways -- no jet packs, no flying cars -- it has made one important concession to mankind, and that is the ability to go to the internet and instantly look up information on whether or not Edgar Allen Poe wrote a story called " The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade," and if so, if that story featured Sinbad the Sailor in a heart-to-heart gab session with a misunderstood rubber cobra.


It turns out that Poe did, in fact, write a story called "The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade." And thanks to the future, I was even able to read it without having to go down to the library and verify that it exists, then find the book, then deal with either all the crazy hobos at the public library or all the hobo-esque sleeping students at the local academic library. I am by no means a Poe scholar, and of his works, the only ones I have actually read are the ones that were eventually made into movies starring Vincent Price. So perhaps I am not one to judge the particular merits of "The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade." I hear Poe himself was rather fond of the story. I thought it was pretty dreadful, and it seems many critics agreed. The basic idea of the story is that the narrator has found a book wherein he discovers the final few pages detailing the life of Scheherazade, the woman who spun the 1001 Arabian Tales to stave off execution at the hands of her sultan husband. Poe's story is set on the night after the sultan has canceled his decree that Scheherazade be put to death. She then explains that there is more to the story of Sinbad, and proceeds to relay a rather uninspired story that has Sinbad and his crew basically traveling from one crudely sketched fantastic location to the next, with no particular point to things. This story is punctuated from time to time by grunts of disbelief from the sultan, who eventually pronounces the whole story so preposterously awful that he reinstates the execution of Scheherazade. The end. I was hard pressed to disagree with him.

I'm not sure what Poe was attempting to accomplish with this story. If we are supposed to be enthralled by this final adventure of Sinbad, then the story is an obvious failure. As adventure fare, it's terrible. Poe was a lot of things, but Edgar Rice Burroughs or Robert E. Howard he wasn't. If, however, Poe was attempting to somehow satirize the genre of fantastic adventure fiction, well then reading an awful story isn't made better if the last paragraph is a guy exclaiming, "That story was crap! Awff wif 'er 'ead!" Because I assume all sultans spoke with a thick Cockney accent, or at least that the sentence "off with her head!" must always be pronounced as such. Having Poe himself explain that the story was bad is cold comfort for the time I just spent reading it, and it forgets that the golden rule of satire is that you must first be an excellent example of that which you are satirizing. As potential satire, "The Thousand and Second Tale" is less Hot Fuzz, more Epic Movie.


This opinion thusly entered into the public register and scheduled for debate at the next meeting of the Society for the Advancement of Turn of the Century Works of Fantastic and Speculative Literature, where I regularly hold court whilst smoking my pipe and discussing my latest expedition to the steppes of Mongolia, let me then say that if, perhaps, Cannon films were to come along some hundred or so years later and wreak havoc with the contents of Poe's Sinbad story while, at the same time, claiming to be an adaptation of it -- well, let's just say that I don't feel any great crime against art has been committed in this instance. Sinbad of the Seven Seas will commit many crimes against many things, but playing fast and loose with "The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade" is a misdemeanor, at worst, and given the quality of the source material, it's more like the sort of offense where a good natured 1930s cop just musses an impish kid's hair and says in his lilting Irish brogue, "Go on, lad, get a move on. Ahh, lovable scamp! I was that way when I was his age." And then, of course, he would belt out "Galway Bay," because that's what cops do, right?

Anyway, if ever there was a perfect storm of awful, it's this movie. First of all, it comes to us courtesy of the illustrious Cannon Film Group, brainchild of Israeli producers Golan and Globus. This is the studio that brought us everything from Sho Kosugi ninja films to Chuck Norris drivin' airboats for freedom. Second, it was written by Lewis Coates -- also known to many as Luigi Cozzi, the Italian exploitation writer-director who gave us the classic Star Crash and the less classic Alien Contamination. Third, it was directed by Enzo G. Castellari, the man who brought us a number of classic gritty 1970s crime films and less classic 1980s post-apocalypse sci-fi films. And mixing these ingredients into a deadly stew is star Lou Ferrigno, former star of The Incredible Hulk and, more recent and related to this film, two mind boggling Hercules films -- also courtesy of Cannon -- in which Hercules did things like fight giant robots sent down by sexy female inventor Daedalus from the home of the Greek Gods up on the Moon. Turning this lot loose on the Arabian Nights seems like a can't win must-lose situation. Sinbad with a laser gun or a curved lightsaber scimitar? Bring it on!

Unfortunately, Sinbad of the Seven Seas fails to live up to the high standards set by the two Hercules films, and if you've seen either of those, then you know what that means. This is likely due to the fact that, while the Hercules films were released in 1983, when The Cannon Group was at the apex of its Chuck Norris-fuelled power, Sinbad of the Seven Seas limped into production in 1989, at a time when personal conflict, lawsuits, and massive dollops of corruption had ripped apart the empire Golan and Globus built on the backs of ninjas, forbidden dances, and cut-rate Indiana Jones knock-offs. The halcyon days of crap cinema the likes of which Cannon excelled at were over, and while a few more Cannon productions found their way to the theaters (most notably, Albert Pyun's Cyborg starring Jean-Claude Van Damme -- more or less the last breath for Cannon), movies like Sinbad of the Seven Seas ended up going direct to video when previously they would have been shown on the big screen much to the delight and/or confusion of children standing hand-in-hand across America and demanding more Lou Ferrigno action. With no prospect for theatrical distribution, and with the studio itself in tatters, Sinbad of the Seven Seas ends up feeling like a cheap, hackneyed bit of half-assery. Oh wait, that describes pretty much all Cannon films, doesn't it? Well then imagine that instead of watching a movie that is a cheap, hackneyed bit of half-assery, you are watching a movie that is telling you about a movie that is a cheap, hackneyed bit of half-assery.


Because that's what Sinbad of the Seven Seas does. It tells you what is happening and how thrilling it all is, in order to not have to show you. The film, inspired no doubt by the success of The Princess Bride, is contained within a framing narrative in which a bored mother (Dario Argento's muse, Daria Nicolodi) reads a bedtime story to her equally bored daughter. Usually, when a film uses this framing device, the narration fades out and the movie of the story being told kicks in pretty quickly. But not here. Even though we expect it to end when it triumphantly announces, "And so our sotry begins," it doesn't. The narration -- which, mind you, is dubbed throughout by a voice actor even more bored than Daria Nicolodi -- continues for the entire movie, and it tends to be in the flavor of, "And then some things happened and Sinbad had wondrous adventures," without the movie actually showing most of those adventures. Even dialog scenes are voiced over by the narrator telling us what Sinbad and his pals are talking about, probably as both a money saver and as a way to cover for the fact that the cast probably spoke half a dozen different languages. Not that the movie is totally without action. In fact, if you get over the annoying and persistent narration, this movie, while certainly not attaining that rarefied air that is the domain of Cannon's Hercules films, is a clumsy but fair adventure and fond farewell to the days of Cannon.

Sinbad's crew is one for the ages, consisting of Sinbad himself in glorious purple pantaloons or a loin cloth, depending on how the mood strikes him on any given day, and his trusted friends the Viking named Viking (Ennio Girolami, an old Enzo Castellari hand), Prince Ali, a bald guy named The Bald Cook, Poochy the Dwarf, and the Chinese Soldier of Fortune, who is played by a Japanese guy and dressed like a Thai ladyboy on his way home from a particularly colorful Siamese gay rights parade and martial arts demonstration. Sinbad and the boys have returned to lush, beautiful Basra after many adventures we did not get to see, so Sinbad's buddy Ali can settle down with his sexy bride to be, Alina (Alessandra Martines). Unfortunately, Basra and its wise and kindly king have fallen under the spell of the king's cruel adviser and wizard, Jaffar (John Steiner). You know, you'd think that if these kings were really so wise, they'd stop picking the black-clad, giggling fiend with a penchant for maliciously twisting the ends of his dastardly handlebar mustaches to be their advisers. No sooner does Sinbad arrive at the palace than Jaffar shows up to roll his eyes, point, and trap everyone.


If there is a highlight in this movie, besides the threadbare synth score and the inevitable island of sexy Amazons, it is John Steiner's performance as Jaffar. Think of the most ridiculously over the top, cartoonish, hammiest performance you have ever seen. Now times it by infinity. That's getting close to comprehending the deliriously over-the-top histrionics of Steiner. It's like the man mainlined pure essence of William Shatner, Jack Palance, Vincent Price, that black guy who was always scared in 1940s movies, Doctor Morpheus, and Bruce Vilanch. Every single sentence is shouted, and not a second goes by that Steiner isn't pointing, clutching at the sky, bugging out his eyes, and traipsing about in the most insanely delicious style imaginable. He is absolutely off the charts here, and as lackluster and bereft of energy as the rest of the film may be, Jaffar alone is worth the price of the movie.

Anyway, while Jaffar is busy being diabolical, Sinbad rallies his men to fight back. This involves, among other things, a long scene in which Lou Ferrigno chats up a cobra in true "girl talk" fashion, only to tie all the cobras together so that he might use them as a rope to escape the dungeon and rescue his friends, who are being menaced by out-of-shape S&M dudes and sock puppet piranhas. Oh man, I've been to that club before. It's OK, but it's not as good as it was in the 70s. During this and most subsequent fight scenes, Lou Ferrigno will showcase Sinbad's sophisticated fighting style, which is to draw his scimitar, look at his opponents, look at his sword, then toss the sword away so he can charge the bad guys headlong and throw them across the set. Why does he even bother to carry a sword? The one time he uses it is when he's fighting a rock man -- the one opponent most likely not to be harmed by a sword. Incidentally, Sinbad defeats the rock man by throwing a rock at him.


While Sinbad is doing that, we pay another visit to Jaffar, who is...OH MY GOD IT'S JON MIKL-THOR! It's Jon Mikl-Thor hanging out in Jaffar's rooftop laboratory! Oh wait, no it isn't. It's a teased-blond bodybuilder chick who looks and dresses exactly Jon Mikl-Thor in Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare. I have no idea who she is supposed to be or where she came from. She shows up out of nowhere, and then hangs out in the lab for the rest of movie making doubting comments about Jaffar's plan, which Jaffar responds to with lots of eye bugging, pointing at the air, and rolling of his R's. Jaffar's nefarious scheme, we discover via ample shouting and hissing and pointing, is to scatter a sacred gem to the far corners of the world, then hook the princess up to his H.G. Wells machine to...honestly, I have no idea. All it means is that Sinbad and his crew have to travel the world to collect all the pieces of the gem so that Sinbad can then...actually, I have no idea why Sinbad needs to reassemble the gem. It'll bring happiness to Basra or something. We've all seen how well that worked out. But what I do know is that this means Sinbad and his crew will set sail, fight some zombies, some rock men, undead medieval knights, and other monsters as they strive to free Arabia from Jaffar's wicked spell. I assumed at the end Sinbad will fight Jaffar and his bodybuilder girlfriend, but it turns out she just sort of wanders off in search of a protein shake or something, leaving Sinbad to face off against -- huh, what do you know? His doppleganger. Any film that features Lou Ferrigno fighting Lou Ferrigno has got to be pretty good, right?

As cool as all that stuff above may sound, the sad fact is that much of it is pretty clumsy. Enzo Castellari was a pretty good action director, great from time to time, but with this material, he just seems to meander and have no idea what to do other than show it in slow motion from time to time (his signature). Maybe if Sinbad had been a tough as nails police inspector from Napoli, this would have worked out better for everyone. Instead, the movie lacks any real energy, and the constant bored narration saps the moments of action of the spirit they need to succeed. The final result is a movie that has the cheap look of a community theater read-through of a Sinbad movie written by one of the members. I blame...well, everyone but Lou Ferrigno and John Steiner. And that woman who plays the Amazon queen. Holy cow! Arabia is lucky I wasn't Sinbad, because given the choice between saving crappy old Basra from Jaffar and his bodybuilder girlfriend or spending a lifetime with a hot, scantily clad jungle woman prone to doing wiggly dances -- well, take a wild guess.


Castellari was at the end of a long career full of cool movies like Shark Hunter, Heroin Busters, and High Crime. After Sinbad of the Seven Seas, he was relegated to the backwaters of Italian television movies, though some of them must have been popular because he made like nine hundred TV movies in the "Extralarge" series. Similarly, Luigi Cozzi's days of writing and directing awesome films like Star Crash and less than awesome films like Alien Contamination were behind him as well. He cranked out a couple more films, but by 1990, he was pretty much done. In a way, it makes Sinbad of the Seven Seas a bittersweet picture for fans of exploitation in general and Italian exploitation in particular. I mean, here in a single film you have the sort of weak, exhausted last hurrah of Golan and Globus' Cannon Group. You have the same for writers and directors Luigi Cozzi and Enzo Castellari. They may not mean much but bad news to most people, but man alive -- I love these guys. The total number of entertaining hours given to me by these three sources is too scary to tally.

And this is it. This is the swan song. Like battered survivors in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, this is where they limp off into the sunset to be forgotten. It's a shame that there wasn't a way to make Sinbad of the Seven Seas into the completely bonkers, inept swashbuckling masterpiece these guys deserved. Everything is almost there, but the end product is less a celebration and more a world-weary sigh. This is the end of an era, boys. Sinbad of the Seven Seas is the group of battle-weary veterans realizing that their day has passed. Heck, it gets me a little misty-eyed, and that's probably why I like the thing and think it's worth checking out. I mean, there is still plenty of weird stuff. It may not be as good as the Lou Ferrigno Hercules films, but it has rubber snakes, zombie attacks, Jaffar's eye-bulging madness, that sexy Amazon chick, a fight with a slime man, and that random bodybuilder chick.

Judging most of the acting at all is pointless, as everyone was redubbed for the final product. Ferrigno, former bodybuilder and permanent fixture at any convention that waxes poetic over The Incredible Hulk, is no master thespian, but he plays Sinbad with a laid-back affability that makes him impossible to dislike and impervious to meaningful criticism. John Steiner, of course, acts at a level that can't be contained by mere speaking, so you can judge his performance despite the dubbing (and the judgment is that he's awesome). The rest of Sinbad's crew is playing to character, so the Chinese guy who is Japanese and dresses Thai is stoic; the Viking is hearty; Ali is noble in a boring way; and the cook and Poochy the Dwarf are frequently terrified and confused. Princess Alina doesn't have much to do but lay back, let her bosoms heave, and look gorgeous, but she does that with admirable skill. A couple other people show up, including a pointless comic relief guy and his daughter (played by Castellari's real life daughter), but there's not much reason to discuss them. This show belongs to Ferrigno and Steiner.

Sometimes the fights are OK, like the one with the zombies and the one where Sinbad storm the gay bondage club where his buddies are chained up and being dangled over sock puppets. The zombie one even has Sinbad punching through a zombie's chest and pulling out his heart -- which is a tiny Madball version of the zombie's face! This causes Sinbad to crush the head/heart, point directly into the camera (a taste of your own medicine there, Jaffar!) and exclaim, "Jaffar!!! You're next." When Jaffar views this event on his magic voodoo television, Sinbad is looking directly at him. This is the second or third time this happens in the movie. One expects that Sinbad would know Jaffar is watching him on a magic TV pond. That's what evil wizards do. But Sinbad's ability to know exactly where Jaffar has positioned his magical cameras is pretty impressive. unless, I suppose, Sinbad goes through the entire movie with a giant movie camera floating above him, in which case I guess it'd be pretty easy to figure which way to look when wishing to address Jaffar personally.


As for other aspects of the film...well, there aren't as many special effects as I'd like, but the ones that are there are about as horrible as I would want them to be. The rubber snakes and piranha sock puppets are a real highlight. And seriously -- those piranhas! Did the guy who made those never see a piranha before in his life? I find that hard to believe, given that this is the world of Italian exploitation filmmaking we're talking about, meaning that at least one special effects guy must have worked on at least one Italian cannibal film, and you know they love piranhas. Sinbad also fights a rock man and a slime guy, but neither of those are especially epic effects.

Then there's the rockin' synth soundtrack! Nothing says epic old world adventure quite like a keytar! The soundtrack may be anachronistic, but given that this is a movie where the prince of Basra looks like that guy from Wham (you know, the other one), it seems strangely appropriate. Most of it sounds like something written for Lucio Fulci's Conquest but ultimately rejected for being too goofy.

And of course, there's all the fun to be had with the homoerotic subtext... err, well... when a big, sweaty, muscular dude in leather chaps wraps a chain around a big muscular dude in purple tights, and then they proceed to rub against each other and grunt, and it's all filmed in slow motion -- that's, ummm... that's not subtext is it? Seriously though, as a guy who doesn't mind a little homoeroticism in his films, this is how I want all my gay films to be: manly men striking heroic poses, then wrestling with each other. When I heard Brokeback Mountain was going to be a gay cowboy film, I was overjoyed. I hoped it would be like The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, only with dudes kissing each other. Instead, it was two hours of shepherds talking about their feelings and alienation. Forget that! When I watch a gay movie, I want to be tough guys blowing shit up, wrestling, leading revolts against Rome, throwing each other at sock puppets -- I want gay action movies. I think the time is right. Gay cinema will have made a tremendous leap forward when it starts producing films that aren't about being gay, but instead are about guys punching each other in the face, jumping muscle cars through the open boxcar doors of moving freight trains and throwing swords across the room, then they plant big wet ones on each other. Is it wrong for me to dream of this utopia?


Folks, when they say they don't make 'em like they used to, they mean movies like High Sierra, and movies like Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Just as it marks the end of one era -- for exploitation film, for Cannon, for Castellari, for sword and sorcery movies -- it marks the dawn of a new one, for this is the point at which the "direct to video" production really came into its own and would be dominated by another studio not entirely unlike Cannon: Charles Band's Full Moon Entertainment and it's many subsidiaries. Golan and Globus themselves would try to make the transition to the 1990s with separate and sundry production companies, but continued incompetence, personal conflicts, and uncontrollable corruption sunk pretty much all of their respective projects before anything substantial was ever achieved. Sinbad of the Seven Seas marks the point at which cheap, shoddy rip-offs could no longer be hustled onto actual movie screens, complete with a marketing campaign, television commercials, and actual interest. It marks the point at which those films were aimed instead at the home video market, which really came into its own during the 1980s. It marks the point where the only crap films being released to theaters costs hundreds of millions of dollars instead of hundreds of thousands (or maybe just thousands) of dollars. Fare thee well, Sinbad. Fare thee well, Stryker. And so long Arabian Adventure, which I recall liking as a child but remember almost nothing about as a grown man. Was Mickey Rooney driving a giant clockwork robot around in the desert or something? Wasn't Christopher Lee named Alakazam? How is that movie not out on DVD? I have a feeling it would make an excellent double feature with Sinbad of the Seven Seas, and by excellent, I mean it would be one of those things I would make people watch, and they would vaguely resent me for it for years.

Given my druthers, I would watch Hercules and The Adventures of Hercules. That's Cannon fantasy from a time when the studio was flush with cash and drunk amid the Golden Age. Sinbad of the Seven Seas is the final gasp of a once mighty people, now decadent and wasted shells of their former selves. But you should still see it, because Jaffar is incredible and Lou Ferrigno fights Lou Ferrigno. The movie actually gets a little battier and more enjoyable every time I watch it. Perhaps some day, I will feel that it deserves to take it's rightful place alongside the Hercules films and Seven Magnificent Gladiators, thus forming a nigh invulnerable wall of Cannon-produced Lou Ferrigno sword and sorcery wonder. Plus, this movie would make an amazing stage musical. So all you people who thought Legally Blonde was worth a stage production -- your destiny is Enzo G. Castellari Presents Edgar Allen Poe's Sinbad of the Seven Seas: The Musical. Get crackin'!

Labels: , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 8 Comments


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Night Watch & Day Watch

NIGHT WATCH -- 2004, Russia. Starring Konstantin Khabensky, Vladimir Menshov, Valeri Zolotukhin, Mariya Poroshina, Galina Tyunina , Yuri Kutsenko, Aleksei Chadov, Zhanna Friske, Ilya Lagutenko, Viktor Verzhbitsky , Rimma Markova, Mariya Mironova, Aleksei Maklakov, Aleksandr Samojlenko, Dmitry Martynov. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Written by Timur Bekmambetov, Sergei Lukyanenko, and Vladimir Vasiliev. Buy it Now from Amazon.com.

DAY WATCH -- 2006, Russia. Starring Konstantin Khabensky, Vladimir Menshov, Valeri Zolotukhin, Mariya Poroshina, Galina Tyunina, Yuri Kutsenko, Aleksei Chadov, Zhanna Friske, Ilya Lagutenko, Viktor Verzhbitsky, Rimma Markova, Mariya Mironova, Aleksei Maklakov, Aleksandr Samojlenko, Dmitry Martynov. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Written by Timur Bekmambetov, Sergei Lukyanenko, and Vladimir Vasiliev.


After I finished watching the Russian fantasy-horror film (though there is very little that is scary about it, unless you are scared of vampires in velour track suits, which, come to think of it, I am) Night Watch, I had to sit and ponder what I'd just seen for a few minutes before deciding that I needed to watch it again. I usually only do this if a movie is excessively enjoyable or excessively incomprehensible. In the case of the latter, I usually rewatch it for two main reasons: 1) to see if the movie really is that convoluted and disjointed, or was I just not paying attention, and 2) I have a massive intellectual ego and utterly refuse to accept that any film, no matter how opaque, could possibly escape my vast and nigh supernatural capacity for comprehension. Or, you know, something like that (my grades from assorted physics classes I've taken over the decades will attest to the true might of my powers of comprehension).

In the case of Night Watch, I was definitely watching again because I was confused. A second viewing and some quick readings of assorted summaries cleared things up for me pretty well, but at the end of it all, the experience of watching Night Watch was very close to the experience I had watching Kenji Fukasaku's Battles without Honor and Humanity for the first time. There is simply so much mythology, such a lengthy back story, and so many characters that trying to keep track of everything without a tally sheet can make your head spin. Beneath all the confusion and blurred vision it induces, however, is a fairly easy-to-follow core that is worth burrowing toward. Night Watch isn't a masterpiece, and it isn't the grand fantasy epic much of the marketing material made it out to be. It is crammed with too many camera tricks and it is indeed hard work to keep tabs on what the hell is going on. Despite all that, Night Watch, like Battles without Honor and Humanity, is worth the effort -- though you may not even realize this until you've watched the sequel, Day Watch, which is a much more coherent film than manages to make the first film a lot more comprehensible. I'm reviewing them both here as a single film, because that's pretty much what they are.

I'm late on the wagon of discussing these films, so forgive me if the history behind them is old hat to you. For those of you out there, however, who are like me and lag behind trends and what's hot by a year or two, here's the superficial lay of the land. Night Watch (aka Nochnoy Dozor) is the first part of a trilogy, followed by Day Watch (Dnevnoy Dozor) and whatever the heck the third film is going to be called. Dusk Watch or something. I think people were guessing that, but then, they were also insisting that George Romero's fourth zombie film was going to be called Dusk of the Dead, and look how that turned out for them. But I guess it makes more sense than most other times of the day. No one is really going to flock to see George Romero's Afternoon of the Dead or Timur Bekmambatov's Lunch Hour Watch.

The movies were pre-ordained, in a way, as massive cult hits, and a campaign touting them as such seemed to hit the streets before the first film had even been released. Whatever they did worked, I reckon, because Night Watch became the highest grossing movie in Russian cinema history -- though I would preface that claim by freely stating that I have no idea what it takes to become the highest grossing film in Russian cinema history, and I'm not well-versed enough in modern Russian cinema to say whether Night Watch has much competition. Besides, it's not like "highest-grossing" translates to "good," even in Russia (the Russian word for "good" is pronounced "vodka"). After all, aren't those crappy Star Wars prequels some of the highest grossing films in America? And I'm pretty sure that if you discount the films of Miyazaki, the highest grossing film in Japanese history is Streets of Fire. Actually, that last one is OK. Any movie that gives us Northern Soul, Diane Lane, and Willem Dafoe in trash bag overalls is all right in my book.

All I've seen of Russian movies are those crazy fantasy films from the 1960s where big guys beat up wind demons or dudes tear around undersea kingdoms atop giant seahorses, which were pretty fun but probably not enduring blockbusters in the minds of modern Russian youths. Night Watch, on the other hand, is crammed full of visual gimmicks, grungy location work, and blaring Russian techno and metal music. So the kids can dig it.

And so can I, though like I said, it took me a while, even with my tolerance for blaring Russian techno and metal music, which I have acquired courtesy of living in a largely Russian neighborhood for the past few years. I mean, I can't exactly complain. My people gave the world haggis and bagpipe music.

Night Watch begins with an epic battle between the medieval forces of light and dark (which, as we'll learn through this film, don't necessarily correlate with good and evil), during which the two forces emerge as evenly matched. Faced either with mutual extinction or sorting the whole thing out, the general of light, Lord Geser (Vladimir Menshov), and the general of darkness, Zavulon (Viktor Verzhibitsky), momentarily halt time and work out the details of a truce that ends up looking a lot like your typical Russian (or any other country, for that matter) bureaucracy. The war will stop. Light and dark will not prey upon one another, and the forces of darkness -- who are somewhat vampiric in nature (though they don't necessarily follow all those rules about sunlight and whatnot) -- have to be licensed and can only feed on humans during certain previously agreed-upon periods of time. Exactly what the limitations the forces of light have placed upon them is never really made clear (at least to me), nor is the exact supernatural nature of the Light Others.

To keep track of each other, two regulatory watchdog groups are formed: the Night Watch is comprised of Light Others ("Others" being the generic term for these supernatural beings who walk among us dopey, oblivious mortals) and polices the Dark Others. Conversely, the Day Watch is made up of Dark Others and keeps an eye on the Light Others, though once again, exactly what it is the Day Watch does isn't really explained. The duties of the Night Watch are pretty easy to understand: if a Dark Other gets out of line, starts killing humans during non-approved times, stuff like that, the Night Watch deals out the justice.

Both sides, however, are waiting around for a prophesized (yeah, one of those again) Other who will be more powerful even than the two immortal generals. Unlike most prophecies, however, this one isn't really all that specific. They know this uber-Other is coming, but they don't know when, and it would seem that whether he tips the scales in favor of light or dark is subject purely to his freedom of choice.

Night Watch is split into two distinct plots that mingle together for the finale but don't make clear sense as being parts of the same story until Day Watch. The first plot is about a member of the Night Watch named Anton (Konstantin Khabensky), who is still something of a novice at his job and who may also be the father of the --and I shudder to use this phrase -- chosen one. We first meet Anton when he approaches a witch and asks her to cast a spell that will return his ex-wife to him (an act that will have severe consequences later on). He gets caught in the middle of things when the Night Watch show sup to bust the woman for illegally practicing magic, and not knowing what else to do with the poor guy, they induct Anton into the Night Watch.

The second plot is about a young woman named Svetlana (Mariya Poroshina) who seems to be the focal point of a nexus of bad luck that manifests itself as a swirling funnel cloud of black birds and dust and threatens to destroy, at the very least, a good portion of Moscow. Neither of these ideas are particularly ground-breaking, and I didn't expect to like Night Watch that much since I have had my fill of stories about chosen ones and the eternal struggle between light and dark. However, Night Watch doesn't seem overly concerned with fulfilling all the hoary old clichés of these types of films, just as it seems uninterested in playing to what has become the modern image of the vampire as a sort of moping, soul-searching goth rocker with a silly made-up medieval sounding name.

Instead, these vampires, shapeshifters, seers, witches, psychics, and whatever the Day watch people are, are strictly working class slobs. Rather than flashy cars, they drive utility trucks They pound vodka, wear sweatpants, and go about their supernatural wonderworld with a surly workmanlike weariness. I'm reminded in many ways of the similar approach to the fantastic that was taken by Hellboy. For humans, this is an incredible world of immortals, vampires, magic, space warping, and other mind-blowing stuff. For the people engaged with it on a daily basis, it's just the usual grind.

The entire cast plays the film perfectly, and they actually act rather than taking the standard American approach, which is to mumble and furrow your brow. Despite the convoluted nature of the film and the tendency it has to lose track of itself and, as a result, lose the viewer, it's still very easy to believe that each of these characters is an actual person. Working on the script, Timur Bekmambetov may fail to connect the dots of the plot itself, but he does manage to create some really likeable and believable characters, which alone makes Night Watch better than most contemporary horror, science fiction, and fantasy films. Viewers can sympathize with Anton in much the same way they might sympathize with Bunta Sugawara's character in Battles without Honor and Humanity. Like him, we're sort of thrown into the middle of a very long, complicated story, and we don't always have a clear idea of what the hell is going on. Like them, we are everyday Joes thrust into a situation that is way over our heads.

Equally effective is the characterization of Zavulon, the leader of the Darks, who at this point we can't even peg as a villain. He's just on the other side, but there's not much he does that is evil. He wants to control the chosen one, but so do the Lights. Oddly, he looks a lot to me like Peter Stormare, the guy who played Satan in the much maligned Constantine film (which I actually rather liked), and his character is very similar to Stormare's portrayal of big sugardaddy Lucifer. I'd also compare him to Sam Hans, the flamboyant and completely likeable villain in the otherwise hilariously awful Indian film, Asambav -- but that may be as much for characterization as it is for the simple reason that both he and Zavulon seem to have a preference for gaudy, silk shirts.

Where the script falls apart, but not in a way that ruins the film for me, is in the plot itself, which as I think I've already communicated is rather on the convoluted side. based on a novel by the same name, Bekmambetov tried to cram an entire mythology into his film, and in an attempt to keep it packed to the gills with weird stuff, we never get a full handle on just what the heck is happening. Supernatural powers come out of the blue and don't conform to any previously established "rules" or roles. some characters are sort of vampires, but they don't have the same weaknesses of vampires, just as they have a lot of powers one doesn't normally attribute to vampires. The author of the novels also had a hand in adapting his own work for the screen, which almost never goes well. Fiction authors tend to either be too familiar with their own characters, and thus leave out huge chunks of information that may be known to them or to readers but not to filmgoers, or they are so in love with their own creation (writing a novel is difficult work, after all), that they can't bear to cut anything out, resulting in piles of exposition and things thats imply don't work in a movie. Night Watch, curiously, seems to suffer from both of these afflictions.

And even after finishing Day Watch (also based on a novel, I still have no idea what the Lights are or why Anton is sometimes a vampire. There's a whole subplot spent on an airliner that is threatened with disaster as a result of Svetlana's bad mojo tornado, but that never ends up having much to do with anything and is ultimately resolved with very little more than a throwaway line to the effect of, "Oh, that airplane ended up being OK." Luckily, decent characters and a heady sense of delirium make it easy to surrender to the peculiarities of the story and just roll with it.

What Night Watch gets the most attention for is its visual style, which is derived from just about every flashy movie of the past ten years. Bekmambetov has never seen a weird editing, camera, or CGI trick he didn't like, and he tried to cram as many of them as possible into the film. Sometimes it works well, other times less so, and if the overall style of the film contributes to the lack of cohesion in the narrative, it also serves to keep you interested even when you've lost track of what is going on. Normally, I am put off by over-directed, hyper-stylized films that use visuals and computer animation tricks to compensate for being lousy in every other way. Looking good is no longer enough, because any movie these days can achieve similar results, and many have but have also not forgotten to include a compelling narrative. Night Watch is odd in that it wallows in gratuitous stylization, yet it never got irritating for me. I have no real explanation for why that is the case. It may be that the strength of the characters and the overall weirdness of what was going on was enough to make me overlook the visual overkill. Instead of being tedious and self-indulgent, Night Watch ends up being fun and self-indulgent.

Some of the effects are better realized than others, but I don't think there was ever a concerted effort to make all the effects completely believable. The cruder ones add rather than detract to the overall otherworldly feel of the movie, and even though they are layered on thicker than the sugary icing of a supermarket birthday cake, the effects all work together to warp reality rather than create an entirely new universe. The Moscow of Night Watch is recognizable as the real world. A grubby, dreary, post-Communist real world full of cinderblock tenements, but reality never the less. By plopping his effects smack down in the middle of this very real looking world, Bekmambetov succeeds in making his movie even more effective. This is our world -- but with something not quite right about it.

Day Watch picks up almost immediately where Night Watch ends, and manages to retain the first films strengths while noticeably improving upon the weaknesses. Day Watch has much more focused, easy to follow narrative: the chosen one has been found, and he's made his choice. Now it's up to one side to retain him and the other side to convince him to jump ship. Meanwhile, it turns out that there might be more to Svetlana and her powers (she is a junior Night Watch member by this second film) that make her a potential rival for the chosen one -- or perhaps everyone is wrong, and she is the chosen one. I don't know if that was the impression I was supposed to get, but I did. Day Watch also introduces us to the Chalk of Fate, easily one of the least impressive all-powerful relics of all time.

Although I ended up quite liking Night Watch, everything about Day Watch is even better. Anton is further developed as a character, and even gets to swap bodies with his female partner when he is set up for the murder of one of the Darks. This act ends up serving as the impetus for Zavulon attempting to goad the Night Watch into breaking the long-standing truce, so that he can finally start the war up again. But the real stand-out character for me this time around was Alisa, played by Russian pop star and all around scantily-clad media icon Zhanna Friske. From what I hear, she had a twenty-minute long sex scene (there is very little -- if any -- nudity in either film, by the way) that was cut from the final product, which upset both her and me. Shame on you, Timur Bekmambetov. You could have at least included it as an extra on the DVD. Not that I would have watched it or anything.

Alisa emerges as the strongest character in the second film, though that could be mostly because she dresses fabulous, has a cool spiky haircut with devil horns, and drives a sports car up the side of a building. In a fantasy world inhabited by vampires in their boxers and old man tank top undershirts, she's the flashy one. She's also a great character: Zavulon's right-hand, so to speak, committed to the Dark cause, but beginning to think that maybe Zavulon is getting a little out of control in his efforts to frame Anton and spark the breaking of the peace treaty. I have no idea what her reputation is like in Mother Russia, but she's wonderful in this movie. Plus, you know, she looks damn good in that slinky cocktail dress she puts on for the finale.

Speaking of which, if there's one place where Night Watch trumps Day Watch, it's in the finale. Night Watch wraps up with a showdown atop a high rise apartment building surrounded by swirling tornadoes of birds and is highlighted by Zavulon ripping out his own spine to use as a sword. By contrast, Day Watch has a more subdued finale, but remember -- that's only in comparison to a guy ripping out his own spine to use as a sword. Only on that scale could a yo-yo that destroys half of Moscow be considered "subdued."

Both films are well worth watching, and if the herky-jerky storytelling of night watch puts you off, I would still urge you to give Day Watch a try. It makes things much easier to understand. I have absolutely no idea where the series goes from day Watch, which ends in a way that would seem to wrap the story up. Having not read the books by Sergei Lukyanenko and Vladimir Vasiliev, I don't know where the story goes from here (nor do I know how closely the films resemble the books, or if everything would make perfect sense if only I'd read the novels), but I'm excited to find out. Although I was puzzled, perhaps even frustrated at first, while watching Night Watch, by the end of Day Watch I was feeling pretty damn good about Bekmambetov's series. It's imaginative, unconventional, and despite the fact that the dazzle and flash may overshadow things, it's as ambitious storywise as it is visually. Given the sordid state of modern horror, fantasy, and science fiction films, it's great to see a film that combines all three into such a dizzying but enjoyable celebration of filmmaking.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 2 Comments


Friday, May 05, 2006

Great Yokai War

2005, Japan. Starring Ryunosuke Kamiki, Bunta Sugawara, Chiaki Kuriyama, Kaho Minami, Hiroyuki Miyasako, Mai Takahashi, Masaomi Kondo, Naoto Takenaka, Kenichi Endo, Sadao Abe, Takashi Okamura, Kiyoshiro Imawano, Renji Ishibashi, Toshie Negishi, Asumi Miwa. Directed by Takashi Miike. Written by Hiroshi Aramata, Takashi Miike, Shigeru Mizuki, Mitshuiko Sawamura. Available on DVD from HKFlix.

It's been a rough couple of years for Japanese cult film director Takashi Miike. After making a veritable tidal wave with a slew of twisted DTV hits including the Dead or Alive trilogy, Visitor Q, and Ichi the Killer, he hit a pretty rough patch in which most of his films went unnoticed or, worse, disliked by the throngs who had so recently celebrated his cracked vision of filmmaking. The fact that Miike was directing upwards of four or five movies a year meant that, previously, if he hit a couple clunkers it was no big deal, because something new would be coming out in a couple months. But a couple high-profile flops, including Izo, his collaboration with Takeshi Kitano, coupled with the fact that another DTV maverick (Ryuhei Kitamura) was gobbling up the big budget theatrical jobs (although his success at such films, specifically Godzilla: Final Wars is a topic of considerable debate) were pointing to the notion that Miike's career was going to be very much a live fast, die young sort of comet.

As such, there was considerable pressure on Miike, both artistically and professionally, to prove that he wasn't out of the game so quickly. Never one to favor subtlety, Miike decided to more or less put all his chips on the table and throw himself into a mega-budget (for low budget filmmaking), special-effects laden fantasy film based on the yokai stories of old. The yokai -- a seemingly endlessly bizarre parade of creatures based on Japanese folklore and pure imagination of the authors -- found pop culture popularity in manga format as Ge Ge Ge No Kitaro, which was published in Shonen Magazine from 1966 until 1970, though it found a home in many other manga magazines with the word "shonen" in the title. Ge Ge Ge No Kitaro was about a young boy, Kitaro, with a host of magical abilities and the mission of reconciling the world of goblins and ghosts -- yokai -- with that of the humans. Kitaro's own father was a yokai (if I recall correctly) who died before Kitaro was born. However, possessed of a desire to keep an eye on his son, he literally keeps an eye on his son, becoming a disembodied eyeball that resides in Kitaro's empty left eye socket (which is usually covered by Kitaro's floppy hair). The comic was created by Mizuki Shigeru, and the town in which he lived serves as the backdrop for the story in Great Yokai War.


Ge Ge Ge No Kitaro made the leap to cartoon television show in 1968, and has enjoyed several reincarnations since then. I would love to see the original series get some attention stateside, especially since all I've ever seen of it are third generation bootleg VHS tapes with no subtitles. Still, a ratman with the power to expand his scrotum to hot air balloon proportions is an international language that needs no translation (sadly, said creature doesn't show up in Miike's film, though you just know he wanted him to). Both the manga and the anime owe a great deal to Mizuki Shigeru's interest in Japanese folklore, yokai, and the Shinto religion. The entire yokai mythology isn't entirely dissimilar to rural folklore from the west, in which a variety of spooks and goblins, both benevolent and evil, inhabit the world around us (but especially the woods).

Yokai are probably best known to Western fans thanks to three live-action films produced by Toei Studios in the late 60s and were absolutely packed to the gills with outlandish creatures, including the crowd-pleasing, jig-dancing bamboo umbrella with one eye, one foot, and a huge waggling tongue. I first saw one of these films back in 1993 or so, when my friend Pat got a tape from one of his friends, who had just returned from Japan. The tape was unsubtitled, of course, but it was pretty easy to figure out what was going on. And anyway, you hardly need a comprehensible language when your movie is crammed with kappa, dancing umbrellas, women with super extend-o necks, weird little guys who look like they have a turnip for a head, and all manner of other insane monsters. A couple years ago, those three movies found their way to domestic DVD, and I was happy to actually be able to understand what was going on -- to say nothing of finally seeing the other two yokai films, which until then I'd only seen bits of in the trailers that were on the old tape we had.

Things were pretty quiet on the yokai front for many a year, until Sakuya, Slayer of Demons came out and boasted a gratuitous but never the less welcome cameo appearance from the core yokai cast of yesteryear. Unfortunately, Sakuya is a fairly flawed film that mixes quality supernatural fantasy action with grating "little kid" humor that becomes well nigh insufferable thanks to the amount of self-indulgent whining. When a kid character is so bad that it can ruin guys with medieval bazookas fighting a giant spider woman, you know a line has been crossed.

When Miike dusted off yokai mythology for his movie, I can't say I was excited. I wasn't excited because, frankly, I'd just started a new job and I wasn't keeping up with the overseas entertainment industry, so I had no idea Miike was even making a yokai film until the dang thing came out and I started reading reviews. I've never been a huge Miike fan. I liked the Dead Or Alive films (even the oft-maligned third film), Fudoh, and Gozu. Visitor Q and Ichi the Killer bored me to tears, and everything else didn't do much more than elicit the response, "Eh." Oh, City of Lost Souls. I liked that one, even though it seems pretty well maligned, too. So the point is that I don't get all rabid and excited the way I do for, say, a new Sabu film (not to be confused with Miike's film, Sabu). Speaking of which -- what the hell, people? Every piece of crap Miike and Kitamura drop downt he back of their pants gets a "special edition" DVD in the United States, but no one has touched a single Sabu film? That's just flat-out insane. Even Kiyoshi Kurasawa films get DVD releases here (which is fine by me), and yet Dangan Runner, Drive, and all the others from Sabu remain MIA.

My take him or leave him attitude toward Miike thus established, I can admit that when I heard about Great Yokai War, I was pretty excited. All those monsters and potentially insane battles seemed like a perfect match for Miike. When I further heard that it was supposed to be a kid's film, I didn't fret. There are plenty of good kid's films, especially from Japan. When I heard that the main character was himself just a kid, my enthusiasm ebbed a bit. I was still smarting from that horribly annoying kid in Sakuya, and I wasn't itching at the opportunity to revisit that particular type of disappointment. Still, the recommendations kept flowing in, so I decided it was high time I checked out Miike's yokai blow-out myself.

Great Yokai War was conceived not so much as a remake as it was a celebration of the original film's 40th anniversary. Rather than acquiring the services of a tested children's film director, rights holder Kadokawa Group decided to snag grindhouse shock auteur Takashi Miike as director, a move that may remind some of you of Toho's decision to put cult film fave Ryuhei Kitamura in charge of the 50th anniversary Godzilla film. In my opinion, Kitamura's Godzilla film is an absolute disaster, but fans are sharply and vehemently divided on that topic. Would the yokai fair any better under the protection of a man best known for movies in which a whore is drown in a kiddie pool of her own feces, a middle-aged woman squirts gallon after gallon of milk from her breasts, or a woman gives graphic birth to a fully grown yakuza? It was a pretty bizarre decision, but that's only because the fact that Miike has made more innocent and sensitive fare (Bird People of China, Blues Harp, and even a previous kid's film, Andromedia) is often lost amid the jumble of exploding guts full of ramen noodles and giant robots with giant penises.

One of the other defining characteristics of Takashi Miike's oeuvre are the lengthy and often grindingly dull stretches of filler stuffed between more substantial set-pieces. These occur not so much because Miike has to pad out the running time as because Miike's genuinely wants to make actual plot and character development a part of his spectacle, and he just happens to fail at it more times than he succeeds. Still, points for ambition, and it's that ambition, even when he fails to realize it, that makes him a better writer and director that Kitamura, who is happy to dispense with character development and plot altogether and joyously embrace over-the-top non-stop action (which has worked to his advantage many times, and against him at others). But Kitamua and Miike both have shown a similar faltering over aspects of their stories that don't involve the gross-out gags or breakneck action. In their defense, this is hardly a problem that afflicts them alone. The question remained, though, how would Miike handle the narrative of a film of this scope? The scenario lends itself to making a Kitamura-style action blow-out, but the old yokai movies succeed primarily because the goblin characters are charming and endearing.

The quick impression of Great Yokai War (which other than boasting lots of yokai, has a completely different story from the old film) was that it was pretty good, but it wasn't as good as I had hoped. Shot on DV as most of Miike's work is, and heavily dependant on CGI for backgrounds, the film possessed a cheaper look than I wanted from it. Fortunately and unfortunately, CGI has made a quantum leap forward in terms of quality when it's used for backgrounds and set dressing, which means that when something is a bit crude, it's threadbare nature is all the more noticeable. The CGI work in Great Yokai War comes off as a tad clumsy, which seems a pretty silly criticism from me considering how much I enjoyed the patently ludicrous and unconvincing puppets and make-up that comprised the yokai themselves in the old films, as well as in this one. All things considered, it's a relatively minor quibble, but it just feel like the CGI could have been realized a bit better.

As a fan of the old films, I was also disappointed that the original gang of "primary" yokai are used for little more than cameo and background players in this new adventure. I know that's just me being stodgy, and I should be thankful that anyone at all wants to put a one-eyed, one-legged, tongue-waggling bamboo umbrella in a film, but I missed that thing having more of a role, to say nothing of the turnip-head thing with the grass skirt. I guess I should have learned some of the proper names of these monsters and ghosts. The kappa once again gets a major role, as he did in the old yokai film, and I really have no complaints about the astoundingly cute water nymph in the skimpy kimono playing a major role (do great legs, a beautiful face, and elf ears make up for weird green webbed hands and feet? I'll only know when I'm faced with the choice in real life, which should be soon, by my calculations), but besides her and the kappa, the rest of the main yokai cast are underdeveloped and underused. One of them is a flying shroud, another is a bellowing red-faced guy, and then there's a guy who obsesses about azuki beans. Most of these parts are filled by veteran Japanese actors, but half the time you'd be hard-pressed to recognize them if you didn't already known for whom you were looking.

Any fears that Miike is going to pull punches because this is a kid's film will be quickly dispelled by the beginning of the film, in which our young hero Tadashi (Ryunosuke Kamiki) has a nightmare about the annihilation of Tokyo, highlighted by a psycho woman in a cheek-revealing white mini-dress (western audience fan fave Chiaki Kuriyama from Battle Royale, Azumi 2, and Kill Bill) and towering, snow-white beehive hairdo. We also get a small-town farmer discovering that his cow has given birth to a slimy, moaning calf with a vaguely humanoid face and a tendency to trill out portents of darkness and doom. Now this is the sort of kid's film I can get behind. As a fan of frightful and fanciful fare from a very young age (though I was terrified by Disney's Pinocchio), it always irritates me when a film is judged "too dark" or "too scary" for little kids. Those were exactly the sorts of movies I loved growing up, and it pains me that modern children are subjected to increasingly bland, insipid entertainment simply because someone, somewhere might think that a kid would get scared. Hey, guess what? Some kids think its fun to be scared. Others like to be wowed by Grimm's Fairytale style stories full of the macabre and menacing. Yeah, some kids will run screaming for the door, but I figure a parent should be a pretty good judge of what will scare and delight their child versus what will just terrify their kid and make them wet the bed. From the beginning I realized that, regardless of what I might think of it as an adult, Great Yokai War is exactly the sort of movie I'd embrace as a child. And I decided this before I'd even seen the sexy water nymph.


After a jarring intro that is signature Miike, the film settles down for the next hour or so in an attempt to get its cards in order before the 52-pickup free-for-all of the finale. Tadashi is a young boy who has moved to a rural village with his mother after a divorce. His father and older sister remained in Tokyo, though only his sister plays any part in the story. The father is a non-entity, undoubtedly a reflection of the MIA fathers who are committed entirely to work, much to the detriment and alienation of their wife and children. Tadashi is having a hard time adjusting to life in the village, where the local bullies pick on him for being a city slicker who ain't down with the ways of the tougher country folk. These being small-town Japanese bullies, they do things like encircle and taunt him lightly, as opposed to the rural elementary school bullies with which I was familiar in Kentucky, who would forego taunting and jump straight to shoving your head in a toilet or throwing coleslaw at you during lunch.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the bulk of humanity (humanity's utter obliviousness to the world around them is a lynchpin of the story), a grim-faced villain named Kato (Etsushi Toyokawa, playing it completely straight-laced despite the insanity of the situation) and his whip-wielding assistant Agi (Chiaki Kuriyama) have established a base inside a giant filth-belching industrial factory, where they use black magic to convert the kind and peace-loving yokai of nature into hideous Shinya Tsukamoto-style cyborgs covered with rust and grime and saw blades. Obviously, Great Yokai War is another in the long line of Japanese films with overt pro-environmental messages -- something I've always thought was as admirable as it was ironic coming from a country that dammed all its rivers and can't get enough delicious, delicious whale meat. Still, you can't really make a proper yokai film set in modern times without dealing with environmental concerns, as the yokai themselves are intrinsically tied to Japan's countryside and natural environment. Tackling a yokai story in the modern era means the domain of the goblins is going to be in direct conflict with modern society. Kato himself is a human who has become a demon. Incensed by the way humans use items then cast them away with total disregard, he has decided to harness the resentment and hatred in the world and use it usher in a new era of darkness.

At a village festival (during which we get a fleeting glimpse of a town square monument to Kitaro himself, a bronze statue which really exists and is part of the hundred-statue yokai monument in the town of Sakaiminato, which is also home to the Mizuki Shigeru Museum, which also makes an appearance in this film), Tadashi is chosen by the ceremonial kirin to be the Kirin Rider, the young lad in charge of defending the village from evil until the next festival. This would be a fun ceremonial post for a young boy to assume were it not for the fact that actual dark forces are threatening Tadashi's new home. Tadashi's grandfather (played by the legendary Bunta Sugawara, of Battles Without Honor and Humanity fame, among others), who alternates between bouts of lucidity and senility, seems to be the only one who understands that Tadashi's new title may be a bit more than a novelty, but it's hard to tell exactly how much he understands.

Things begin to get weird for Tadashi when he is told by the bullies that the Kirin Rider has to journey up to Goblin Cave to retrieve a sacred sword. Once again, although the yokai may be recognizably Japanese, the set-up of the story is universally familiar, or rather, it's familiar to anyone who grew up anywhere near the dark, menacing woods or a house that was rumored to be the home of a witch who ate little kids. It proves that, while the cosmetics of any given story may be particular to a certain country or people, a common chord runs through all the stories and gives them an instantly recognizable and universal appeal.

No sooner has Tadashi set out for Goblin Cave than the yokai start coming out in droves and Tadashi finds himself charged with learning how to be a true Kirin Rider and stopping Kato's apocalyptic scheme. The "chosen one" plot is pretty standard fare for the fantasy genre, in which a seemingly unprepared an incapable person is selected to be the "chosen one" and must discover the strength within and defeat the evil, so on and so forth. To Great Yokai War's credit, it never once actually uses the phrase "chosen one" or "chosen one foretold by the prophecy," so hats off to it for that. The magic, however, is rarely in the uniqueness of the story, but rather, in your execution of tried and true material. Takashi Miike splits his time between working well within the bounds of what we expect from a family-friendly fantasy and pushing it toward greater depths of maturity. The end result is never quite as thrilling as it should be, but it's still plenty fun and has to be commended for its attempt to be something more than just mindless kid's movie fluff.

For starters, there's the sexual tension underlying some of the action. Most obviously, you have Chiaki with her rear hanging out the back of a tiny micro-dress, snapping a whip and cackling hysterically (seems that has become her trademark). On the other hand, you have river nymph Kawahime (Mai Takahashi -- is she the same Mai Takahashi who got debunked as a fake psychic by James Randi, because if she is, that'd be pretty cool), who wears an open-sided tunic with nothing on underneath, showing off a lot of thigh that she doesn't seem to mind the young boy steal a caress of every now and then. Although perhaps sounding a bit inappropriate for a kid's movie, that's only because adults tend to forget what it's like to be a kid, especially an eleven-year-old boy who is just starting to discover, you know, those feelings. At the heart of Great Yokai War is the story of a boy exiting his boyhood and entering his teen years, on his way to becoming an adult. Obviously, some sort of sexual discovery, even one as restrained and innocent as it is here, is going to play a part in the kid's life. I don't know that an American film would take the same chance, which is funny given the voracious way in which American pop culture sexualizes the young.

In fact, it's this concentration on the age-old "boy becomes a man, or at least less of a whiny little kid" motif that gives Great Yokai War it's most effective and surprisingly poignant moment: after the great yokai war has been waged (which is actually a war between a kid, a couple yokai, and a crazy evil guy, with the rest of the yokai just sort of showing up as spectators and revelers), Tadashi has retired his obligations as the Kirin Rider and done some growing up. The fuzzy little yokai who becomes his closest friend (realized via a very crudely animatronic plush toy, which for some reason didn't bug me as much as the crude CGI) tries desperately to get his attention, but Tadashi is a man now, and with maturity he loses the ability to see the yokai who played such a significant role in his life.

The moment is badly undercut by Miike's inclusion of a pointless zinger to open the door for a sequel, but I can almost overlook that based on the strength of the scene otherwise. Since the theme of humans discarding the things of their past plays such an important role in propelling the action, it makes the journey from youth to maturity even more effective. In fact, that theme works on a surprising number of levels. On the surface, there's the simple concept of humans throwing stuff away and polluting the planet, and those things coming back to haunt us. Or eat us. Whatever. On a deeper level, there's the idea that musty old folklore characters like the yokai are being discarded by modern society -- both by the simple act of the society in the story moving on and becoming less in tune with natural surroundings and the spirits who inhabit them, as well as in the real world, where kids seeking modern entertainment have no real interest in a bunch of weirdos from a manga series that was popular in the 1960s. And finally, you have the concept of discarding the things you cherished in your past as you enter adulthood. It's a moment perfectly realized, as corny or weird as it may sound, by a cute little fuzzy critter who looks like a toy trying to get the attention of a young man who once cherished him but has since moved on.

Counterbalancing Tadashi's journey is a journalist who was saved as a young boy by Kawahime and has spent the rest of his life trying in vain to recapture that moment and relive his past. He's a particularly interesting idea (though not an especially well realized character, unfortunately) in an era where much of our adulthood is dedicated to recapturing and romanticizing our childhood (romanticizing largely taking the form of pretending like every single thing that ever happened during the 70s or 80s played a significant role in our lives and constitutes a beloved memory, instead of admitting the reality of the situation, which is that 80% of everything you see on VH1 wasn't that important to you as a kid no matter what commentators born ten years after the date being discussed might be telling you). Although I didn't think his character came of as interesting as he should have been, the journalist does boast the film's best comedic scene, when in the midst of the great yokai royal rumble and all this talk of Kirin Riders, he is being pushed and battered by ghosts he cannot see, at least until he discovers a crate of Kirin Ichiban beer and begins drinking himself silly, at which time he can see the yokai once more (which, aside from being funny and brilliant use of product placement ties in nicely with the common idea that aside from kids, only senile old folks -- like Tadashi's grandfather -- and the town loony can experience the fantasy world, probably because they have been reduced in one way or another to a more accepting and childlike state of mind).

Themes of lost youth and environmental destruction aside, we can evaluate Great Yokai War from a purely action-adventure standpoint. You'd think this would be Miike's strong point, and that he'd be weak on the bittersweet exploration. In fact, the opposite is true. The action is not especially bad or good. It's just never compelling. There's a great battle in the Goblin Cave involving Tadashi, the giant goblin King Tengu (Miike regular Kenichi Endo), Agi, and her army of chainsaw-armed industrial robots, the final showdown between Kato and Tadashi is surprisingly lackluster (though I do like that it's a happy bean that wins the day), though there is a nice thematic continuity in the finale, as Kato randomly discards Agi in the same way humans discard their possessions. The big throwdown between the vast population of yokai who descend upon Tokyo thinking that a festival of darkness is begin staged is clever (the yokai never even seem to realize they're actually fighting a war with Kato's mechanized demons)


There are other clever bits thrown in that show Miike really put a lot of time and effort into writing the script (the first time he gets screenwriting credit, if I'm not mistaken). When Kato's demonic creation (the entire factory becomes a huge demon, in one of the film's moments of good CGI) descends upon Tokyo, a man dismisses the confusion outside by casually quipping that, "It's only Gamera." In a moment of darker humor, a panicking provincial policeman attempts to shoot a rampaging mecha-beast, but his aim is so poor that he misses the monster entirely and manages to hit the monster's intended human victim square between the eyes. Less successful is the comic relief courtesy of the kappa (a turtle-like humanoid, played by Japanese comedian Sadao Abe, who also appeared in Higuchinsky's excellent surrealist horror film, Uzumaki), though he does manage to score a laugh or two, which is more than you can say for most comic relief.

The acting is uniformly good, and each of the players who inhabit the yokai manage to make them human but also bizarrely inhuman. They're familiar, but you can't fully relate to them. The yokai are realized primarily through the use of old-fashioned make-up, masks, and puppetry, though a few are rendered or assisted by CGI, such as the woman with the snakelike neck, the paper wall with eyes, and maybe the stone wall that walks and talks (yokai can get pretty far-out). Kawahime is the most complex of the goblins, aside from being the hottest even with her weird amphibian hands. She began life as a discarded effigy and was rescued by Kato, only to spurn his offer to join him in destroying humanity. At the same time, she is torn between her resentment of mankind and her love for those she saves from drowning. As the young hero Tadashi, Ryunosuke Kamiki manages to avoid being annoying for most of the time, though Miike doesn't seem to have much more for him to do than stumble around and yell a lot. The yelling gets kind of tiresome, even if that's what a kid would really be likely to do when confronted with a massive host of goblins and chainsaw-wielding cyborgs. Still, when he's allowed to, he rises to the occasion and makes for a relatively painless pre-teen hero.

Great Yokai War just barely misses being a great film, but there's really no shame in merely being a very good film. Miike's pacing is still uneven, and while he succeeds with some character development, he fails at other times, making for some spots that drag. The yokai are never as fully realized characters as they should be, with the exception of Kawahime. It's nice to see so many old familiar faces -- both human and yokai -- and as a nostalgia trip (there's that lost youth thing again), Great Yokai War is a lot of fun. As a kid, I would have loved it. As an adult, struggling to remember youth, I merely liked it a lot. Whatever the case, it's a triumphant return for Miike, and with a film that was apparently very near and dear to his heart. I my not have liked it quite as much as I'd hoped, and it has it flaws, but all in all, Great Yokai War is a madcap good time at the movies.

Labels: , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 8 Comments


Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

1978, United States. Starring Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, John Dennis Johnston, John Lisbon Wood, Lisa Jane Persky, John Chappell, Terry Lester, Richard Hein, Brion James. Directed by Gordon Hessler.

Band movies rarely stray very far from the tried and true "band movie" formula that consists of an entire film built around the band trying to get to a concert amid an onslaught of wacky hijinks, and very often, meddling censorship board type people. This plot has worked for everyone from The Beatles to The Spice Girls. Hell even the Atari 2600 video game "Journey" revolved around the player guiding Steve Perry, or a crudely rendered rectangular likeness thereof, through a variety of pitfalls en route to what was sure to be a rockin' stage show.

So when KISS decided to expand their mass marketing onslaught beyond the world of dollies and pinball machines and into movies (or at least into made for TV movies), it's no surprise that the plot was about KISS trying to get to a concert amid a series of pitfalls and shenanigans. However, KISS is probably the only band that took the age-old storyline but weren't afraid to tweak it a bit by casting themselves not just as mere mortals playing rock and roll in goofy stage costumes, but also as intergalactic deities with magical powers and sacred talismans (talismen?).

To be frank, I'm pretty sick of talismans. Every fantasy movie ever made seems to involve a sacred talisman or a chosen one. Man, screw The Chosen One. There's so many goddamned "The Chosen Ones" running around in the woods that it's a miracle those dark lords and prophets can keep track of things. I'll be happy if I never again see a movie featuring a sacred talisman, amulet, or "The Chosen One." How many more The Chosen Ones do we need? It's like, eventually everyone gets to be The Chosen One. I mean, when they start dragging Keaneu Reeves out as a The Chosen One, you know they're running out of candidates. Who's the next The Chosen One? Arnold Stang? Patrick Swayze? Wait, I think he might have The Chosen One of which the Prophecy spoke in Steele Dawn. So maybe C. Thomas Howell will be the next The Chosen One. Or Fred Savage.

All things considered, I'm sure you noticed that The Chosen One is almost always a total loser dweeb kid. We as a society should take a more responsible role in choosing our chosen ones. When we start ending up with Eddie Deezen as The Chosen One, it's not much further until we're electing Bill Clinton. Teleport City will be the first to launch the hip new Prophecy awareness campaign, "Rock the Chosen One."

KISS has a history with The Chosen One. You know KISS as the ass-kicking metal band who banged out teen anthems like "Rock and Roll All Night," and songs stoners use to woo their girls, like "Beth." Few people pay attention to that phase KISS went through I like to refer to as "disco metal." It eventually evolved into that sort of metal where they sing in a falsetto voice about dwarves and Balrogs and shit. Black Sabbath was probably the band that laid the groundwork for role playing metal, but KISS really brought it into its own with the oft ignored album The Elder.

The Elder went a long way in breaking the band up. Ace and Peter wanted to return to the band's hard rock roots while Paul and Gene were deeply involved in putting together this medieval fantasy disco metal album. Frehley washed his hands of the whole project and actually plays on only one song, coincidentally enough the one song with a substantial guitar solo. The idea behind The Elder was to put together a "rock opera" about a young "The Chosen One," who is battling wizards and demons and apparently doing a lot of sailing. The particulars are unclear to me. After the album was complete, the whole thing would be made into a movie a la The Who's Quadrophenia or Tommy, with 1970s lovable loser mainstay Chris Makepeace cast as "The Chosen One."

The most positive thing you can say about the whole thing is that Chris is a decent "The Chosen One." This guy built a career on being the lovable loser who saves the day and finds the magic within in such 1970s teen hits as Meatballs and the superb My Bodyguard. Based on the KISS album, he would play the usual reluctant loser who can't possibly become a great savior despite some old fart telling him he is The Chosen One. In the end, of course, his bravery awakens and he saves us all from the forces of darkness. I have to base my plot summary on the music because the movie never actually got made.

The Elder was universally panned by critics and KISS fans alike. Ace left the band, as did Peter Criss. It sold about ten copies, one of which was to me, and one to my old roommate Pat. When I tried to buy the album in CD, the hippie at the record store in Gainesville didn't want to sell it to me. He pleaded with me not to buy the album because it was the worst piece of shit ever recorded. I persisted, and of course, he was right. It is awful, but that's exactly what I expected, and I was actually overjoyed by just how bad it truly was. I mean, when someone tells you that KISS has teamed up with underground music icon Lou Reed to record a song, you expect something cool. Instead, you get some rock ballad about knights and legions and shit.

Anyway, this whole digression was basically meant to say I generally hate any movies featuring "The Chosen One," and the illustrate that despite the blood spitting, KISS are the cheesiest motherfuckers around.

Anyway, getting back to the movie, KISS refrained from putting any "The Chosen Ones" in this film, though there is a sort of evil wizard guy. And like I said, the members of KISS are all space gods with the ability to fly and shoot animation out of their eyes. The action takes place entirely at an amusement park where KISS will be doing a big concert. The first half hour of the film follows the "funny" exploits of a band of "hooligans" who do holligany things like walk on the benches and mess around with ice cream. They are pretty typical 1970s TV movie hooligans, complete with the guy in one of those British guy knit golfer caps and official 1970s TV movie hooligan names: Sneed, Slime, Chopper, and of course the gal of the bunch, Dirty Dee.

We also get introduced to some tinkerer who is pissed that KISS is the star attraction of the park instead of his piece of shit animatronics that do high-tech things like, you know, wave and lean back and forth. These are supposedly some sort of technological marvels, much akin to what you will find in a parking lot carnival. The tinkerer, however, is also insane, because all scientists are, and unbeknownst to his employers at the park, he has been building an army of robots that move and look exactly like real humans. Now if he had been showing these as examples of his work instead of animatronic gorillas who turn their heads, maybe the owners might like him more. Oh yeah, he has a lair beneath the park, thus making him the phantom referred to in the title.

He starts kidnapping people, including the hooligans, and turning them into robots. Yes, he is making an army of robot zombies out of a cast who basically act that way to begin with. He also kidnaps the boyfriend of "the good girl," and in true 1970s TV movie form, she sets about solving the mystery of her boyfriend's disappearance.

Now you may be wondering certain things about KISS, like where the hell are they? I started wondering that myself, and after what seemed like an eternity, the night of the big concert finally comes and KISS flies down out the heavens (I swear) in full superimposed glory to play "Rock and Roll All Night." Afterwards, the good girl spies her boyfriend's robotic double in the backstage area working as a security guard. She tries to get to him, but security won't let her pass without being on "the list." I thought any woman could be on KISS's list, but oh well.

Luckily, KISS happens by and sees her struggling. Gene Simmons yells "STAR CHILD!" in a weird echo voice, which causes Paul Stanley to shoot magic beams out his eyes that allow him to read the girl's mind. I swear to God this is all in the movie. You don't think I'm insane and creative enough to come up with this shit, do you?

At least from this point on, KISS is actually in the movie. The evil tinkerer makes some KISS robots and sends the Gene Simmons robot out to smash things up. Naturally, the real Gene Simmons gets blamed, but the others are quick to point out that Gene has been with them all day, sitting by the pool in full KISS regalia and sparkling robes. Paul Stanley begins to suspect something evil is afoot, and Ace continuously croaks, "Aawwwkkk!" for no real reason other than to annoy everyone. They all get together to sing "Beth" to the good girl who is not named Beth, then bring her into their secret chamber where they keep the magic KISS talismans that give them their special powers. This leads to one of the best bits of dialogue in the whole movie:

Paul (say in high voice with little emotion): "If they were to fall into the wrong hands..."

Gene (in magic echo demon voice): "There are no right hands but ours!!!"

They tend to just leave this shit lying around on a bean bag chair, but they are confident that the magic force-field that surrounds them will keep everything safe. Still, the tinkerer can't help but send robots to try and steal the KISS amulets. KISS themselves have many kungfu battles with, umm, with ... werewolves? I don't really know. Werewolves in metallic silver bodysuits. KISS not only does kungfu in their big-ass clunky boots, but they can also fly. Gene can blow fire and Paul can shoot laser beams from his eyes. Ace can do backflips and Peter can, umm, I don't know. He has all the powers of a cat, so I guess he curls up on the werewolf's newspaper while it is trying to read.

KISS have another mystical kungfu battle in a house of horrors type thing. It's not quite on par with Jackie Chan's funhouse fight in My Lucky Stars, but Jackie was only wearing a goofy mascot outfit, not platformed dragon boots. Unfortunately for KISS, the tinkerer uses a magic space ray to shatter the force field around their talismans and steal them. Thus KISS lose all their special powers and get captured.

The tinkerer gives them a tour of his secret lair, explains his entire diabolical plan to use his robots to incite riots or something, shows them the KISS robots that will turn the concert into a bloodbath, sits the mystic talismans on the coffee table next to KISS's cage, then leaves. This guy must have gone to the "Batman Villain School of Planning." The KISS robots go to the concert and whip the crowd into a frenzy by playing "Rip and Destroy" while using hypnosis that makes the crowd rip and destroy. Who will save us? Will KISS be able to unite their psychic powers to get the talismans left lying about a foot away from them? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

Of course KISS gets the talismans back! They fly to the concert like a bunch of gaudy Supermen just in time to save the day with more silly kungfu and magic eye laser beams. Then, after having destroyed the evil robots, releasing all the kidnapped people, and vanquished their foes, they take the stage to play "Rock and Roll All Night" one more time as the credits roll.

This movie is not quite as bad as The Elder, but it's also not as funny. Once KISS finally shows up, things start to move along, but that first half hour is just painful. I like that KISS had no trouble casting themselves as mythic gods of the space ways and masters of kungfu. And I like that, in a movie about KISS, the soundtrack is comprised almost entirely of bad (and I mean bad) disco action music and wah-wah stuff (or as someone referred to it, "walk a chicken walk a chicken" music). Fast forward past the first third of the movie to the part where KISS actually arrives, and you have a decent, thoroughly silly movie in which rock stars in platformed boots shoot magic beams and fly and fight werewolf-monkey looking things with kungfu.

KISS's acting ranges from passable (Gene) to abysmal (Paul) to utterly puzzling (why does Ace keep yelling "Awwwkkk!???"). Everyone else is pretty wooden, which is typical of television movies, and of most movies I suppose. However, most movies don't have KISS flying around in them and breathing fire. You can also catch late, great B-movie mainstay Brion James in a bit part as a guard who gets his ass handed to him by the rampaging Gene Simmons robot.

Director Gordon Hessler directed all sorts of shitty TV shows in the 1970s, including episodes of CHiPs, Wonder Woman, Kolchak: the Night Stalker, and Kungfu. His best movie is definitely the spectacular Ray Harryhausen powered fantasy The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, but of course we love him most for being the director of the last of the 1980s ninja craze movies, the Sho Kosugi last hurrah Pray for Death.

It's not good. But it's bad, and that's good. It's certainly a lot more fun to watch than that last KISS movie, Detroit Rock City which didn't feature any kungfu werewolf monkeys, robots, or Ace Frehley screaming, "Awwwkkk!" This is probably the best made for TV movie around, but that's not saying much, and like all TV movies of the 1970s, it has a message for us, a lesson the teach. That message is that if a mad scientists starts unleashing robot armies of the damned, just kungfu their asses back into the stone age. And fly. And yell, "STAR CHILD!!" at inopportune moments and as often as you possibly can. If you have a friend who can then shoot mind reading laser beams out his eyes that go "Pew pew pew pew," then so much the better.

This is the kind of movie Yngwei Malmsteen fans would write. Frankly, I'm glad they made this instead of The Elder, but I wish they'd made The Elder instead of Detroit Rock City.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Friday, January 03, 2003

Green Snake

1993, Hong Kong. Starring Maggie Cheung, Joey Wong, Zhao Wen-zhou, Wu Hsing-Guo, Ma Cheng Miu. Directed by Tsui Hark. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

We've documented in previous reviews how the Hong Kong film industry began to collapse in the mid 1990s. Although disappointing, it shouldn't have really come as a big surprise. Hong Kong had been cranking out astounding films for three decades, starting with the old Shaw Brothers swordsman films of the 1960s and ending with the Hong Kong New Wave in the 1980s. That's a long time to sustain such a high level of entertainment. Preoccupation with the 1997 hand-over to China, video piracy, and the fact that the triads basically bled the industry dry left the once thriving Hong Kong film empire little more than a shell. The talent that had generated all the buzz was getting older, and the new generation of stars simply wasn't up to the task of filling in their shoes. The exploding VCD piracy market and triad greed caused budgets to shrink to a minuscule level, and with dwindling profits came dwindling quality.

A few brave souls remained to weather the storm, or at least did double duty in Hong Kong and the United States. Director and producer Tsui Hark was perhaps the man most responsible for what we call the Hong Kong New Wave. Films like Zu revolutionized movie making in the small island nation, and Tsui's knack for discovering new talent remains unparalleled to this day. As we've gone over before, his list of contributions to the world of film making are staggering. John Woo was laboring away in sub-par comedies and ultra-cheap action films before Tsui Hark fronted him the cash to make a little film called A Better Tomorrow. Tsui Hark's filmography as director and producer is more or less the same thing as a list of the most important, influential films in Hong Kong history. Chinese Ghost Story, Once Upon a Time in China, The Killer, Swordsman, Peking Opera Blues -- this is the man who basically made big-time action stars out of Chow Yun-fat, Brigette Lin, Jet Li, and countless others.

While you can't overstate Tsui Hark's contribution to the history of film, not everyone was happy about it. A lot of kungfu film purists disliked Tsui's reliance on slick editing and wires to augment his performer's talents, or in some cases cover up their lack of talent. Additionally, Tsui was notoriously difficult to work with in many instances. He would often bully his way out of the role of producer and into the role of director. You have to admire his conviction and passion, but if you're a director trying to work with him, it becomes frustrating to say the least. As many people as Tsui Hark "made" he alienated. John Woo and Ching Siu-tung are two among many who eventually had their fill of Tsui Hark's overbearing artistic passion.

However, most great directors shared these traits. It was Akira Kurosawa who demanded the entire lavish set for Seven Samurai be destroyed and rebuilt because a close inspection of the construction revealed nail holes in buildings that would not have been built using nails in the time Seven Samurai was set. Kurosawa also freaked out on the set of Tora Tora Tora because the paint on the battleships was a shade off the authentic historical color of paint used on Japanese ships during World War II. Obsession runs deep in people that committed to their craft, and it can definitely try the patience of those around them.

When Tsui Hark felt Hong Kong films had become too much about making money and not enough about artistry and innovation, he and a few friends started their own production company, Cinema Workshop, to cultivate film-makers who wanted to break out and try something different. When few Hong Kong film-makers would dare make films with overt political or social commentary in them, Tsui Hark made the fiercely political and downbeat Don't Play With Fire. Love him or hate him, there's no denying that Tsui Hark is one of the most important figures in Hong Kong film-making history.

But nothing gold can last, Pony Boy. As the industry fell apart, Tsui Hark was among the many directors who decided to try their luck in America. It was no surprise, really. Hark and friends like John Shum (the frizzy haired comedic actor was also a major figure in the freedom demonstrations that lead to the dramatic and tragic events at Tienamen Square) were outspoken opponents of Communism, and it seemed only logical that they would bid farewell to their home before China took over. Unfortunately, Hark's career in America was short-lived. Like John Woo and Ringo Lam before him, Hark was saddled with directorial duties on a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, only it was much worse because the movie also starred annoying basketball marketing scam Dennis Rodman. As if that wasn't bad enough, Hark immediately got stuck with another Van Damme clunker, this time bearing the burden of the Belgian bumbler and some intensely irksome comedian named Rob Schneider, who was nothing like the handyman Schneider from One Day At a Time.

After those two films, Communism suddenly didn't seem so bad. I think anyone who sat through either of those films would agree that maybe a little totalitarian censorship can be a good thing when it comes to Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman.

Hark's career leading up to his departure from Hong Kong was faltering. The comedy Chinese Feast and the romantic tragedy The Lovers both scored big with critics and fans alike, but from there Hark hit a series of stumbling blocks. His stylish and darkly violent retelling of the One-Armed Swordsman, entitled The Blade came and went with nary a peep. Likewise, his cynical, downbeat fantasy film Green Snake attracted little attention upon its initial release. People simply weren't that interested in depressing, angry films at the time. Since their initial failure, however, both films have acquired fairly large fanbases among aficionados of the genres. Certainly both films deserved far more attention and praise than they actually received, but at the time folks in Hong Kong just didn't want to hear the lunatic ravings of Tsui Hark.

Green Snake is set in a world between myth and reality. Zhao Wen-zhou stars as a young monk who spends his days hunting down demons and spirits who have crossed over from their own realm into the realm of mortals. Some of them come with malicious intent, but many of them seem only to want to run wild and free in the physical world for a brief time. The monk operates under the notion that the two worlds simply cannot cross paths, harmless intentions or not. The opening scene of the monk chasing an old wiseman who is actually a spider demon through a field as they both run through mid-air sets a beautiful but disturbing tone for the film. It's incredibly lush and over-saturated with dreamlike color. The hallucinatory beauty seems eerie, however, not at all peaceful, sort of like those old fairy tales where things are actually creepy and sinister instead of all bright and Disneyfied.

Monk Fahai is also immediately established as a complex character who is unsure of his Buddhist vows. He is determined to fight against the world of demons (keep in mind that in Chinese mythology, a demon is not necessarily an evil being), yet he also seems to find something fascinating about their realm. Likewise, he wrestles with physical temptations from his own world. On a rainy night, he witnesses a peasant woman giving birth to a child in the woods and finds it difficult to avert his eyes from the spectacle. He also notices that the woman is being protected from the rain, and quickly spies to giant snakes in the trees, serving as umbrellas. His initial response is to dispatch them quickly to the nether-realm, but he soon has second thoughts and decides that since they were helping the woman out, he'll let them slide by this time.

The two snakes are played in human form by the devastatingly beautiful Joey Wong and Maggie Cheung. They are two sister snake spirits who have decided they prefer the human world to their own, and so are doing their best to maintain human form and pass as mortals. Causing them untold amounts of grief is a blind Taoist ghost hunter and his assistants. Unlike Fahai, the priest has no doubts about his holy crusade to rid the world of demons and spirits. He goes about his quest with an unfaltering, blind conviction. Luckily for the sisters, he's about as good at his vocation as the Three Stooges were at their jobs as exterminators or movers or guys who carried around those big blocks of ice. He's a minor annoyance to them, but not a real threat.

Hmm, two snake spirit sisters just trying to make it in this crazy world -- how come Lifetime can't play movies like that instead of those "woman is stalked by her crazy ex-husband while trying to get back the baby she gave up for adoption years ago" movies?

Rounding out the bizarre cast of characters is a young scholar named Hsui Xien who would much rather be drinking wine and writing love poetry than learning the ins and outs of Confucian philosophy. He's the classic "dreamer" character. You admire his idealism, but sometimes you just want him to shut up with his "my heart's so full of dreams" nonsense. And could someone tell me what the hell is the deal with the head rolling? As the scholars regurgitate the Confucian wisdom, they all roll their heads back and forth. I've seen monks and other assorted wisemen doing the same thing in various movies. Now I'm no Confucian gentleman. I've always been more along the lines of one of those drunken Taoists who lives in a cave and gets in arguments with the moon. So I guess the rule was you had to loll your head about while reciting your lessons, but you know if I tried that in school the teachers would tell me to quit nodding off, not unlike how they made me quit reading in "the robot voice" when I was in second grade.

Seriously though, if someone can tell me exactly why they made scholars roll their heads around like that, I'd appreciate it. I'm not above learning some new bit of history.

On a warm summer night, the two sisters sneak into town. Maggie Cheung breaks hearts by dropping in, nude and covered in rain, on a lavish party being thrown by some vaguely Indian guy. She proceeds to stomp mercilessly on said broken hearts with her suggestive semi-lesbian dance involving one of the female Indian dancers. I don't know of anyone, male or female, who's forgotten that scene. Joey, in the meantime, slips into the river and catches a glimpse of the young scholar. She's instantly taken with him.

Did I mention Maggie's suggestive dance?

Things get complicated quickly. Although Sou Ching (Joey Wong) and Hsui Xien hit it off well, there's this whole issue of her being a giant snake. Maggie also attracts the attention of Monk Fahai, who is torn between his sworn duty to combat the spirits and send them packing and his feeling that they are benevolent creatures doing far more to help their "fellow" humans than most of the actual humans are doing. Plus, he finds himself seized by a strong attraction to her, which shouldn't really surprise anyone. Fahai's confusion mounts as he witnesses people wallowing in filth and greed, far more destructive and nasty than any demon he ever vanquished. You could probably havea pretty good fire and brimstone movie featuring Monk Fahai and Robert Duvall's character from The Apostle, but you'd have an even better movie it was Monk Fahai and Robert Duvall's character from Apocalypse Now.

Monk Fahai considers the romance a blasphemy. Humans and spirits simply should not interact, plain and simple. He vows to put a stop to the relationship. Obviously, he's focusing his anger on the two lovers in an attempt to compensate for his own feelings of temptation and doubt. It's no surprise to anyone that the most wild-eyed, fire-and-brimstone preachers are often the ones with the most to hide. Nothing fuels a little righteous indignation quite like wishing you yourself could indulge once in a while. Fahai deals with his own guilt by projecting it on others and attempting to interfere in their lives despite the fact that they have no affect on him at all. Like most religious zealots, his divine call is pretty much what the rest of call "dickishness." Face it: it's pretty difficult to get behind a guy who's goal in life is to rid the world of Joey Wong and Maggie Cheung.

The blind priest, on the other hand, is a different type of corrupt religious leader. To him, battling "sin" is just a way to garner more attention and power for himself. It's not about righteousness; it's about career advancement. It's about the rush he gets by forcing his will onto others. Tsui's criticism of religion in these two characters is harsh but certainly not without sound foundation. Whether its nature is of a political or religious nature (if indeed there is any difference between the two), intolerance is, well, intolerable. It leads ultimately to destruction, alienation, and disaster.

Things get bad when Green (Maggie Cheung) starts getting jealous of her sister's romance. Green was already a bit jealous of the success her sister had in adopting human form. Sou Ching pretty much has it down, while Green still has trouble walking and maintaining her human form. She begins doing little things to sabotage the relationship, culminating in Hsiu Xien discovering Sou Ching is a snake spirit. The shock of the revelation sends him into a coma which only a magic herb can cure. Sou Ching is emotionally destroyed, vowing to do everything she can to shed her spirit self and become a real human. Green, in turn, realizes how her pettiness has potentially destroyed two people, and agrees to seek out the magic herb. Unfortunately for the two sister, Fahai is waiting to trap them and send them back to their own realm.

The whole ordeal is further complicated when the battle between Green and Fahai results in severe flooding. The entire village will be destroyed. Using their combined powers, Green and Monk Fahai could potentially stem the rising tide, but they are too caught up in their own vain battle with one another. By the time they realize the error of their ways, it's far too late, and their efforts to prevent the flood are a failure. The town has been destroyed. Hundreds have died in the flood waters, among them Hsiu Xien and Sou Ching. The final scene of Fahai and Green finally reaching a state of revelation as the world around them is washed away is powerful in the extreme. It's like a punch to the gut, and where most film makers would attempt to tie things up with some glimmer of hope, Tsui Hark just leaves it as it is. In a theme similar to Zu, the central characters discover their inability to compromise, work together, and put aside their own petty differences and jealousies has resulted in them losing everything they ever cherished.

Parallels to Hong Kong's situation going into 1997 are not difficult to make, of course. This movie seems like Tsui Hark attempting to come to terms with his own feelings toward Mainland China, a country to which he actually has very few ties (Tsui Hark is Vietnamese). His final resolution is bittersweet, to say the least. China has problems. The blind Taoist priest could easily be seen as the embodiment of China's contemptible past of intolerance and political persecution. If the reasonable people from both sides work together, however, perhaps progress can be made in healing China's ills. It's a message of hope, though Tsui's prognosis for whether or not it will actually happen seems doubtful, at best. He is, after all, a notorious pessimist when it comes to human character.

The acting ain't bad. Though Zhao tends to overdo stoic a bit, Maggie shines. And while she's outclassed by her "sister," Joey Wong manages to hold her own as the coy, innocent Sou Ching. It's a shame she disappeared from the scene soon after making this movie. Along with her role in Chinese Ghost Story, Joey Wong seems to be unmatched in making people wish they could just meet a nice ghost and settle down in some haunted temple or something.

The most subversive thing Tsui Hark pulls with this film is wrapping such a bitter pill in such a sumptuous package. Although a few of the wildly ambitious effects fall flat, Green Snake is a stylistic triumph. The beauty of every shot, the care that went into making every scene seem like a vibrant technicolor dream, is staggering. Few films are as overwhelmingly gorgeous as Green Snake. On that note, you'd be hard pressed to assemble a cast more entrancing and beautiful than Joey Wong, Zhao Wen-zhou, and Maggie Cheung. There's something unusual about all three of them. They're not just physically attractive. Something about each of the actors, even outside their roles here, is engrossing. Constant shots of flowing waters, billowing silks, mists, and swaying blossoms make the film unspeakably exquisite. Likewise, the scenes of magic and sorcery are breath-taking. There are no martial arts, but there's plenty of flying and summoning of natural elements.

As with most Tsui Hark films, it's possible to overlook the political and social commentary and simply let the grace and beauty flow over you, but you'd be missing out on what makes this far more than just a lovely little tragic fantasy film. If you go into it wanting tons of action and excitement, you're going to be disappointed. After providing us with some of the most wildly over-the-top fantasy action films in Zu and Swordsman, Tsui seems to be looking for a middle ground here between his early martial arts fantasy films and his later romantic tragedies like The Lovers. He hits the nail on the head. With the exception of a few weak visual effects, he creates the perfect fairytale mood: lush, haunting, dreamlike, and ultimately foreboding.

The failure of this film followed by the failure of The Blade was a good part of what lead Tsui Hark to seek success in America. Of course, that didn't work out either. He's been relatively quiet since returning to Hong Kong, though there are several projects in the works. Joey Wong went into semi-retirement, shifting her base of operations from Hong Kong to Japan. Zhao Wen-zhou should have been a huge star, but fantasy/martial arts films went out of style, and he found himself stuck is some astoundingly abysmal action cheapies that have done little to establish him as the future of Hong Kong action cinema, which is the title he seemed perfectly capable of inheriting. Maggie Cheung, of course, went on to become an international flavor of the month after some French guy got obsessed with her and developed an entire film called Irma Vep just so he could meet her. It worked. The film sucked (unless you really like watching French people talk about making movies as they chain smoke), but the director ended up marrying Maggie, so you can't fault the guy. He accomplished what he set out to do.

And Green Snake accomplishes what it sets out to do, which is to pull people into its rapturous beauty then leave them confused and depressed at the tragedy of human stubbornness and greed. As a tragic love story, it operates well. As a indictment of political and religious intolerance and persecution, it works even better. Too bad it wasn't as successful at the box office as it should have been, but then, no one wants an unhappy ending. Tsui Hark was hoping that an unhappy ending in the film would make a real-life happy ending a little more feasible.

Whether or not that's the case remains to be seen, but no amount of politics can change the fact that Green Snake is a profoundly affecting, ambitious, heart-breaking story. Even a hardened old curmudgeon like myself has a soft spot for terribly tragic romance, especially if it's between snake demons and flying monks and lazy scholars. Taken as Hong Kong fantasy spectacle or political allegory, Green Snake is one hell of a film, and it's the perfect final note for the Hong Kong New Wave to end on. It's only fitting that the man who started it with Zu would also signal its closing with this film so similar in theme and (lack of) resolution.

Ironic that the entire New Wave cycle would end up so closely reflecting the events in Zu. There was lots of flash, lots of innovation. There was a noise that, for a spell, shook the world and attracted everyone's attention. But at the end of the day, everything closed on the same note of doubt on which it opened. We were right back where we'd always been. With any luck, the seeds of dissent and dissatisfaction continue to burn in Tsui Hark, and he'll surprise us yet again.

Labels: , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Chinese Gods

1980, Hong Kong. Directed by Chik Hoi Chang.

You don't see very much animation coming out of Hong Kong, and I've never really understood why. You know, when you think about it, Hong Kong seems like a pretty boring place. Where are the cartoons? Where are the punk bands? The pro wrestling? The cool toys? It's like Japan hogged the entire cool allotment for the continent of Asia, and although Hong Kong got kungfu and gangster movies, that's about it. And as far as I know, Mexican food has practically no presence in any of the Asian countries, which is a crime. Maybe someday I will move to Osaka and open a taco stand.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about tacos. We were talking about how you can count the number of Hong Kong cartoons on one hand, even if that hand was mauled in an industrial accident. In fact, I've only found two cartoon movies from Hong Kong, though I think they have some television series about a flying pig or something. My excuse for Hong Kong having pretty much nothing fun going for it has always been that the island is too small and concentrated. There's really no room for punk clubs and independent films and zines and whatever. So everyone is stuck with nothing but crappy, mass produced pop entertainment. But with animation, I just don't know. Can't they just send it all to Korea like we in the United States do?

Chinese Gods was the first Hong Kong cartoon I ever saw, and quite frankly, I've yet to fully recover. Someone took a lot of that brown acid they had at Woodstock, then dove too deep and got a nitrogen high, then sat down and made this utterly dumbfounding, totally amazing gem of a movie. I don't even know where to begin with this one, as the size of this film's weirdness makes it nearly impossible to get a hold of. Should I start with ancient Chinese gods and their motorcycle clouds? Or the frequent dismemberment, charring, and other acts of insane violence? How about the fact that, when all else fails, the ancient gods of China have to call on the ultimate supernatural guardian of China, Bruce Lee (sporting a cool third eye in the center of his forehead)?

Well, let's start with the technical aspects of this. The artwork is pretty good, a nice mix of traditional Chinese styles with 1970s style Japanese cartoon aesthetic. The animation, however, looks about on par with what kids doing an animation project in their middle school class would come up with. It's really bad and reminds me of those crappy Christian religious cartoons they sometimes play on cable. If you have ever seen one, you know what I'm talking about. The Lord may have filled his flock with righteous condescension but he left out little things like artistic ability. That includes artistic musical talent. What the hell is the deal with Christian rock? Is there a worse sounding abomination anywhere in the universe?

Okay, where were we? Let's move on to the plot of this cartoon. There is an evil warlord who is oppressing the people of his province. His wife is a fox spirit, and although they are sexy, fox spirits are always deceitful and naughty. Disgusted by the ruler's evil deeds, the gods, one of whom can make his eyes extend way far out of his head, send a wise demigod type fellow down to Earth to talk sense to the despot. In accordance with the behavior you would expect from a ruler who murders his most loyal advisors and burns lots of people alive for the hell of it, he doesn't really see the error of his ways. Angered and frustrated, the demigod whips up a tornado that carries many of the peasants to a neighboring province, where the ruler is benevolent and honest. Obviously, this is a fantasy film.

The evil ruler decides to declare war on the good leader, but when his assassins fail to carry out their job, the fox spirit suggests that the evil ruler enlist the aid of the dark forces, who are pretty good at such things. In turn, the wise demigod enlists the aid of his pals up in the heavens and all out supernatural war ensues. Evil Taoist priests, monsters and demons of every possible shape and size, and god riding around on clouds that make motorcycle noises are all part of the fun.

When the forces of evil send in the Three Kings of Hell as their coup de gras, the good gods summon up Bruce Lee. Yep. When God himself can't solve a problem, he calls on Bruce Lee. Wouldn't you? Bruce Lee, complete with his official silly fighting noises, materializes to kick some King of Hell ass. Bruce can do kungfu and shape shift, among other powers he never used in his other movies but we always suspected he had.

I've really only scratched the surface of how insane this cartoon gets. I mean, if you thought The Wall was weird, you ain't seen nothing yet. This movie has more craziness packed into each of it's poorly animated cels than most any other film around. Was this for kids? Surely not. It shows people being chopped in half and burned at the stake, flailing and shrieking as the melt. It has demons ripping people apart and eating their limbs. I mean, sure it's the kind of movie I watched as a kid, but these kids these days are goofier.

Oh well, who cares whether or not your kids can watch it, if you have kids. What I'm more interested in is my own personal enjoyment of the film, and I have to say it's really one of the most unbelievably fun and inexplicable things I've ever seen. It makes me feel a bit light-headed. It was another favorite of my stoner friend Ken Volkman, along with Young Taoism Fighter. And hey, if a stoner thinks it's weird, you know you can trust them. The animation is not great, as I said, and a lot of people will snub the film simply on that. But you have to overlook the cheap animation and enjoy the delirium of the story. And you can also admire the artwork, if not the outcome of trying to make it move. It's so cheesy to say that a film looks like someone's bad acid trip, but man alive does that ever fit the bill here.

I'm not sure exactly how accurate the mythology on display is. As best I can tell, the reason Bruce Lee is no longer with us is because he had to travel back in time to like the Han Dynasty or something in order to assume his role as the ultimate god of China. He brought with him his knowledge of motorcycles and applied to it some clouds for his buddies. Well, he's a better folk hero than Buffalo Bill, anyway.

Chinese Gods got a domestic video release and tends to turn up on video shelves from time to time, so keep your eyes open. When I am rich, which should happen any day now, I plan on re-releasing this film, unleashing unto this Earth some animated madness the likes of which God himself has never before witnessed. You think you know weird, but if you haven't seen this movie, your education is incomplete. Luckily, I'm here to teach you in your times of need.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Thursday, August 15, 2002

Sakuya, Slayer of Demons

2000, Japan. Starring Nozomi Ando, Shuichi Yamauchi, Kyusaku Shimada. Directed by Tomoo Haraguchi. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

You know what really ticks me off? I mean, maybe even more than when a film is just plain boring? It's when a movie could have been amazingly cool, or at least pretty neat, except for one single feature which completely torpedoes the whole film and brings everything crashing down into a smoldering pile of mediocrity. It's probably the most frustrating experience of watching a movie, to find something I want to like so much yet can't because of one little thing that, singular though it may be, is so overwhelmingly irksome that it drowns out everything else.

Such was the case with Sakuya, a movie that draws from elements of science fiction, fantasy, and the supernatural "schoolgirl" horror thrillers that have been so popular in Japan since the release of films like The Ring and Birth of the Wizard and manga like Uzumaki, then ruins it all by including quite possibly the most grating, annoying, hideously unenjoyable little kid in the history of Japanese cinema. That right there is a strong statement, mind you. After all, this is the country that gave us Ichiro and the endless parade of Kenny's from the many old Gamera movies. This is a country who's cinema has pushed the envelope in exploring just how irritating a single pre-teen character can be. There is a well-documented history of these precocious brats in Japanese film, and even in the face of all that history and tradition, I still have to rank the snot-nosed little whiner from Sakuya as the worst ever. Ichiro may have been a twerp, but at least we could relate to his daydreams about Monster Island. The kid in this film, however, has no redeeming qualities yet he will not stay out of damn near every scene.

Since we now use our supercomputers for important things like digitally inserting the face of Bruce Lee into new films and completely reinventing the depths to which people will sink to exploit the famous dead, I'd like to see them use the power to one day remove this kid from the film, thus leaving us with a fairly enjoyable supernatural fantasy romp full of cool monsters and a totally bad-ass female lead. Instead, we'll probably just use our computers to figure out how to add more Jar Jar Binks into Empire Strikes Back so that those films retroactively have more to do with the Phantom Menace series of films.

We start off with the eruption of Mt. Fuji, accomplished through some of the best CGI work to appear in a Japanese movie. You really can't go wrong by opening or closing your movie with the eruption of a volcano. Heck, you could do both, even if your movie was about two people discovering love and their passion for dinner theater in the heart of New York City's Soho district. Is there any one Nora Ephram film that would not benefit greatly from a finale in which, after Meg Ryan discovers true happiness, something somewhere gets obliterated by a volcano?

So much the better if said erupting volcano unleashes Rodan or, as in the case of this film, dozens upon dozens of hellish demons and monsters. This is bad news for 18th century Japan, and for any country of any era I suppose. Few and far between are the historical epochs that would have been better off with hundreds of ghouls and goblins running to and fro, I suppose, though in a predictable twist, I can think of very few films that wouldn't benefit from a few more ghouls and goblins, especially those obnoxious Metropolitan type movies in which vacuous young debutantes and society teens get together to discuss their drab, soulless existence as if any of us really give a shit about debutantes and their male hangers-on. I was shocked to discover these sorts of people even still exist, but with that knowledge now in my head thanks to that Whit Stillman asshole, I can firmly say that any movie about them would be much better if it featured goblins. Hell, why not throw the volcano in to boot? Then why not throw Whit Stillman into the volcano? That's for Last Days of Disco, you jackass.

Where was I? Oh yes. Medieval Japan is in a real pickle with all these demons loose. Luckily, there is a family of demon slayers waiting to pick up the magic sword and send the demons packing. The big problem for the slayers is that the magic sword they use to do all their slaying draws its energy from the life force of whoever wields it. I'm sure they just love whatever ancient holy man half-assed his way through the fashioning of that magic weapon. The only way you can recharge the sword and retain your own lifeforce is by killing a fellow human - a crime no self-respecting slayer will commit. Thus, the job of slaying is handed down from generation to generation, and the slayers just keep getting younger.

We first meet Sakuya, the teenage daughter of the current slayer, as her dad is busy facing off against a kappa, the turtle-like goblins of ancient Japanese folklore. Unfortunately for the slayer, he's at the end of his life force and dies before getting the job done. Sakuya, then, takes the sword up herself and makes short work of the beastie and officially becoming the next generation of demon slayer. If you are seeing similarities between this and another story about a cute teenage girl who becomes a slayer of supernatural rakehells and ne'r-do-wells, then that's probably not accidental. Horror aimed at teenage girls is big business in Japan, and Buffy fits the formula perfectly. It's no big surprise, then, that the same basic formula would be adapted to a more distinctly Japanese setting, but while Sakuya definitely owes a tip o' the hat to Buffy, it's not an outright copy, retaining a unique identity thanks to the wealth of Japanese monsters and folklore upon which it can draw.

The entire opening battle is very stylish and dreamlike, full of surreal landscapes and glowing orange skies. All in all, very cool to behold, and a sure sign that, if nothing else, the movie has some pretty tremendous cinematography and art design. Where the movie begins to falter, however, is at the tail-end of this otherwise excellent little opening scene. As Sakuya finishes off the kappa, she hears a baby crying and soon discovers a baby kappa, recently orphaned by the aforementioned slaying. Against all better judgment and the wise council of her elders, Sakuya refrains from killing the baby, adopting as her baby brother and thus opening the door to the introduction of the most intensely annoying character you could possibly imagine.

Months later, the baby has grown up looking more or less human save for the peculiar green dome jutting out of the top of his head - the only real remnant of the fact that he's not human. Well, there's that and the fact that he looks sort of like Kane Kosugi from Pray for Death. While his adopted older sister is a super-cute, sword-wielding bad-ass, little brother Taro seems proficient primarily at pouting and whining. I know this is more or less a movie for kids, despite the fact that crotchety old farts like myself will devour it as well, and that's why they have a little kid in the movie. But even other little kids watching this movie must find Taro grating. When he gets older, the only friends he'll have are the ones who are hoping to use him to scam on his older sister.

Sakuya is preparing for the final push to rid the world of all those demons who escaped from the eruption, a quest that will eventually lead her and her two ninja sidekicks across Japan to a showdown with the Spider Queen, the demon who is in control of all the other demons. Unfortunately, this quest will also involve Taro tagging along, blubbering, whining, and generally behaving like a spoiled brat. Each scene in which he appears - and that includes just about all of them - is dragged down by his very presence. When he is confronted by the Spider Queen, who treats him as she would her own child as she tries to convince him that humans hate him (well, this human sure hated him) and he should join the demons in fighting his own sister, I guess we're supposed to feel for the inner turmoil, the sense of alienation he feels. But since Sakuya has been a kind if slightly stern mentor, and the two ninjas have tolerated his constantly screwing up every situation and complicating matters endlessly, it's hard to sympathize with his "dramatic" momentary change of heart. Instead, he just seems like even more of a little dickweed than before, and that's not a term I use often.

It's really a damn shame, too, because without him, this movie would be pretty damn good. It draws from the same energy and spirit as Keita Amamiya's films, feeling like the little brother of something along the lines of Renegade Robot Ninja and Princess Saki or Moon Over Tao, both of which feature a similar stylistic flair and willingness to gleefully blur the lines between medieval fantasy and science fiction by giving the samurai and ninjas an array of seemingly futuristic weapons like guns and armored vehicles. It's not as good as either of those movies, but it still could have been a solid piece had Taro not stunk up damn near every scene he could get his dirty little kappa hands on. Director Tomoo Haraguchi certainly shows a flair for directing, having done 1991's peculiar Mikadroid as well as working on the special effects for such stylish hits has Uzumaki, Misa The Dark Angel, and even Takeshi Kitano's Brother. His background in make-up and visual effects is obvious, as the hyper-stylized look of the film is astounding. He maintains a brisk pace, leaping from one action scene to the next and making sure everything stays exciting.

The special effects, pulled off by the same team who collaborated to give us the effects from the three recent Gamera films, range from traditionally average to utterly astonishing. These guys really raised the bar for special effects in Japan with the Gamera, and they do their best to keep up with their reputations here despite working on an obviously smaller budget. At their worst, they are the cat demon, which looks like something out of one of those hour-long Kamen Rider movies. Not bad, but obviously the traditional "actor in a big costume" sort of special effect that only works for kids and us forgiving fans of Japanese science fiction.

That's just about the only low part, however, as the rest of the monsters look fantastic. The kappa from the opening scene is top notch, boasting a make-up job that would make even masters like Rick Baker and Steven Wang proud. Groups of decaying zombie samurai look even better as they gallop through the foggy streets at night. And topping it all off is the Spider Queen, who transforms into a gigantic half woman, half spider creature for the big finale. Usually, giant monster effects falter at least a little here and there, but the Spider Queen is pulled off with remarkable results thanks to a combination of CGI, forced perspective, and good ol' fashioned trickery. The level of realism is unbelievable, or should I say, very believable, as she plows through a medieval village during her climactic battle with Sakuya. Not a once does it look like she is demolishing little models or computer effects.

Speaking of computer effects, y'all know I'm not a big fan of them most of the time for anything other than augmenting scenery or generating cool energy blasts, but I have to say they all look pretty damn good here and mesh well with the actual live action shots. Part of the reason they work is because they don't go overboard. While there are tons of computer effects, most of them are the aforementioned details rather than major focal points. While special effects obviously overshadow the actors in a movie of this nature, they don't treat the special effects as if they are the characters (learn a lesson here, George Lucas). The Spider Queen may be realized through the use of some clever CGI and scene matting, but that's still a human acting it all out. Even at their most outlandish, the computer effects never cross the line and become too much. The opening eruption of Mt. Fuji starts out looking a tad cartoonish, but the subsequent destruction of a forested valley and temple is fantastic, as are most of the scenes that follow.

There is one scene in which a number of rather fake and archaic monsters fill the screen, which will, I imagine, look like nothing more than a cheap bunch of monster costumes and puppets to most people, very much out of place amid the far more successful and modern looking effects that are highlighted in this film. What one would be missing, however, is that these are all the monsters from the classic 1960s Daei films 100 Monsters and Big Ghost War. Those two films were absolutely wonderful mythology/fantasy films filled to the rim with countless creatures from the annals of Japanese folklore, and as a fan of those old movies, I was completely delighted and tickled to see them pop up in a pointless but welcome cameo in this film. They're all here - the big headed thing, the weird tongue waggling umbrella with one eye, two arms, and one leg, the woman with the beautiful face on the front of her head and the hideous demon face on the back, and countless others. That scene alone made it worth suffering the thousands insults of Taro.

The action is plentiful and choreographed pretty well. We're not talking high-flying Hong Kong acrobatics here, but Japan has really been improving their action choreography in the past few years - basically, since Keita Amamiya kicked things into high gear. Back in the day, Japanese action choreography was as bad as - if not worse than - American action choreography. I guess everyone learned a thing or two from Hong Kong during the past decade or two, but while American films are happy to simply provide us with watered-down mimicry of John Woo's greatest choreography hits, Japan lifted the kinetic energy and spirit but adapted it to their own style. Sakuya blends the martial action seamlessly with the flashy special effects and more outrageous action.

On the acting front, everyone is passable, at worst. Taro may be the most insipid character I've ever endured, but based on the script, I have to guess that's how he was written, and the young actor playing him pulls off "annoying whiner" with devastating proficiency. Newcomer Nozomi Ando performs admirably as Sakuya, kicking demon ass and looking cute while doing it. She looks like she stepped right out of one of those "Samurai Shodown" games. It's not exactly a deep character she's playing, but as far as generic sword-swinging action gals go, you could do worse. In only an hour and a half, she can't really develop the depth of character Buffy enjoys.

The two ninjas are there to grumble, shout, and blow a lot of stuff up, and they do just that, while the Spider Queen is so good in her few scenes involving dialogue other than proclamations about destroying humanity that you'll almost feel sympathetic for the demons - an emotional manipulation that Taro couldn't pull off, even though that was supposed to be his job. Had she spent more time with the little bastard, I'm sure even the Spider Queen would have reconsidered her bid to win him over to the demon way.

Sakuya's big problem is that it's a good film. Not a great film, but a good film. It would have been a kick-ass television series, but it's not high enough up there in the world of film to survive its own weakest link, Taro. In a better film, the good would have outweighed the bad, but in a movie on the level Sakuya achieves, he's enough to drag it down from "good" to "average" and transform it into a movie that, rather than looking forward to seeing, you should probably check out if you get the easy opportunity. Sakuya herself is all killer, no filler, and the special effects are aces, but the movie itself is pretty "business as usual" for this particular genre. When Amamiya has movies out there like Moon Over Tao, Renegade Robot Ninja, and Zeiram II, there's no need to subject yourself to Taro. Even without him, those movies outclass this one, which is ultimately nothing more than a popcorn flick, but boy howdy does it deliver in all the right places.

A more solid plot would have helped it weather the Taro storm a bit better. As is, his blustering whining mucks up the front yard and leaves things less enjoyable than they could have been, should have been. As I stated earlier, this would have been a great television series, because then we would have been allowed time to get to know the characters better. Sakuya has a lot of potential - a young girl who is destined to fight a war using the Vortex Sword, thus causing her own young life to grow ever shorter lest she quench the blade with human blood. That's fuel for a great character and some good action-adventure drama. Confined to a mere ninety minutes or so, Sakuya's development is eschewed and we instead concentrate on Taro - himself a character that might not have been so painful if he'd been given more emotional depth. Unfortunately, the only characterization the movie has time for is "whiner," and the heroics he predictably performs at the end are less a natural outgrowth of his character and more just a simple function of plot conventions.

With Taro firmly in place, and with the story being what it is, my recommendation becomes shakier and less certain. Sure, this movie has an ultra-cool heroine, some great action, slick monsters, surreal cinematography and art design, and generally cool special effects. but it also has Taro, a pesky insect buzzing in your ear that simply will not go away no matter how many times you swat at him. The end result is a movie that is watchable, even fun, but definitely flawed and frustrating since you'll keep thinking of how much better it could have been with just a few less scenes of that screeching little kappa sumbitch.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments