Wednesday, November 15, 2006Streets of Fire
1984, United States. Starring Michael Paré, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis, Amy Madigan, Willem Dafoe, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Richard Lawson, Rick Rossovich, Bill Paxton, Lee Ving, Stoney Jackson, Grand L. Bush, Robert Townsend, Elizabeth Daily, Mykelti Williamson. Directed by Walter Hill. Written by Walter Hill and Larry Gross. Buy it now from Amazon.com
Somewhere on the great big globe we call home, Michael Paré is sitting down for lunch. He's glancing around the room as he takes his seat, wondering if anyone in the restaurant recognizes him. One woman, maybe in her mid thirties, glances his way and does a quick puzzled double take, as if she is trying to decide whether or not he might be someone she recognizes. But the memory is a phantom, and a second later she shakes off the feeling and returns to her conversation. As Michael Paré orders a light appetizer from the menu, the door opens, and a lean man of roughly the same age strides up to Michael's table pulls out the chair, and sits down. He, too, glances briefly around the room and thinks, perhaps, he heard someone, maybe that hipster guy sitting with a girl in the corner, say "Wasn't that guy in The Warriors?" But he can't be sure. "How's it going, Michael?" he says to Michael Paré. "All right. How are things for you, Michael?" Paré returns, for his lunch partner is Michael Beck. The two Michaels. Way cooler and more obscure than making obvious, played out jokes about the two Coreys. Michael Beck and Michael Paré -- these two guys were both pegged at the beginning of their respective careers as the next big thing. Both sported a brooding, introspective air of mystery and toughness much like James Dean. Both were good looking, but not too good looking. And they were both pretty good actors when they inhabited a certain type of character. Beck swaggered into national consciousness in 1978, clad in a leather vest and bopping his way through one gang after another as he tried to lead his Warriors back to their home turf at Coney Island. A few years later, in 1984, Michael Paré burst onto the scene in similar fashion as the mysterious 50s rocker Eddie, who may or may not have faked his own death to escape the harsh lights of fame.
Both men turned heads, and critics were thinking that these were the guys who would be ruling the 1980s. And for a while, it looked like that just might be the case. Beck was quickly cast in a couple of big-budget starring vehicles. Unfortunately, those movies were Megaforce and Xanadu, and before Beck's star had even ascended, those monumental flops sent it crashing back down to earth. Michael Paré went from Eddie and the Cruisers straight into a couple big-budget disasters of his own: the acceptable but unspectacular sci-fi time travel film The Philadelphia Experiment and the impossible to categorize subject f this review, 1984's Streets of Fire, or as it's known by it's full title: Streets of Fire: A Rock and Roll Fable. Both films have a lot in common in that they present a highly stylized, almost fairytale like vision of an urban fantasy world. Both feature outlandish gangs with only the most tenuous reflection of anything a real gang might be like. Beck's Swan and Paré's Tom Cody are both very similar men. Both men, as well as the bulk of the other characters in each film, were more symbols than they were individuals. Both movies featured a lot of violence. And perhaps not coincidentally, both Streets of Fire and The Warriors were directed by Walter Hill. It was the end right at the beginning for both men, though, through no real fault of their own. Plenty of guys had survived bad or misunderstood movies and gone on to rule the roost regardless. But not the Michaels. For some reason, their bombs were like so many anchors lashed about their necks, and they pulled the men down into the shadowy nether regions of the movie making world and cleared the way for Arnold and Sly Stallone, who somehow managed to stay superstars despite Raw Deal and Over the Top. Beck found himself toiling in the Italian action exploitation market before settling in to a steady but uninspired career playing one-off characters on television shows. Paré followed suit and ended up in the domestic direct-to-video action and sci-fi film market. Both men were all but forgotten by the people who once heralded them as the next big thing. Well, not entirely. Both Michaels would have the last laugh, in a way. The Warriors proved to be an enduring cult phenomenon, culminating in a massive explosion of popularity around 2003-2006 which saw special edition DVDs, video games, and ugly action figures hit shelves. People who had never heard of the movie were suddenly rallying around it, and on all the promotional materials, there was the visage of Michael Beck, looking proud and defiant and kind of irritated. Michael Paré, on the other hand, became one of the biggest cult stars in Japan. His popularity continues to this day, and Streets of Fire is one of the most influential films for a huge number of modern Japanese film makers, especially those working within the realm of anime. But we'll come to that in due time. Back in 1984, I saw Streets of Fire in the theater. There was no particular reason we went to see it; we were just looking for a movie, and it happened to be playing at the right time of day. I remember my reaction was that I had no real reaction. I neither liked nor hated the film, was neither bored nor excited by it. It was all just sort of weird, and a couple days later, all I could remember about the movie was some ugly guy in overalls that looked like they were made of trash bags. Oh, and some guys in grey Commodores-style suits singing about moving sidewalks Beyond that, the movie was a vast blank in my memory, and although I told people the movie was all right, I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was about. And so Streets of Fire passed from my conscience in much the same way it passed from the collective conscience of America as a whole. In general, people seemed to have tepidly complimentary things to say about the movie, but the general public couldn't really make heads or tails of the thing. Before long, it was almost entirely forgotten. And so it stayed for me for some twenty-two or so years. But starting in 2006, the name began popping up again, partially because I started listening to some podcasts about anime, and mentioning Streets of Fire was a running joke among many of them. Then I ran across the DVD and decided it was high time I got reacquainted with the movie. But from what I could remember, which was very little indeed, Streets of Fire was not a movie to be studied in the solitary confines of one's den, a glass of fine vino nobile di Montepulciano sitting within easy reach. No, this was a different sort of movie. So I invited over friends from Krel Studios and the Ninja Consultant podcast and ordered a sixty-four count of mixed hot and BBQ wings, baked beans, and dinner rolls. The remains of my "Adirondack Trail Mix" of beers from New York state microbrewery Saranac was close at hand, and The Ninja Consultants donated a bottle of Suntory shochu to the cause (which I managed to drink half of, apparently). This, I felt, was the only good and proper way to watch Streets of Fire.
The movie wastes absolutely no time letting you now exactly where you stand. Title cards announce that the film is set in "Another Time, Another Place" which is my favorite time and place. Fist pounding rock 'n' roll spills over the soundtrack, and onto the stage steps a young Diane Lane as Ellen Aim, clad in a sexy red and black dress and bathed in splashed of red and blue neon. The song, "Nowhere Fast," was written by Jim Steinman, who wrote songs for Meatloaf, so you know what to expect. He specializes in anthemic, bombastic, and dangerously catchy songs that seem to exist in some disjointed universe comprised of throwback fifties sensibilities mixed with theatrical seventies/eighties overkill. In short, there was probably no better man in the world at the time to pen the songs for Lane's rocker songstress, because Streets of Fire exists in very much the same alternative universe. The clothes are a mix of fifties styles, only more so. Everything is slightly exaggerated, sort of like what you expect from a fifties themed stage show at an amusement park. The cityscapes are all back alleys and elevated train tracks (Hill scouted locations in Chicago, then recreated them in a more stylized fashion on sets), and no one has ever heard of a car that wasn't a Studebaker. At the same time, however, the fifties style is presented within a very eighties context. Everything is drenched in flashing neon. The stage performances -- and there are several in the film -- boast a slick eighties look. And something about the fifties style seems more like the fifties as interpreted by eighties retro band The Stray Cats. Just as Walter Hill created a fantasy New York for The Warriors, so too doe she created this sort of mythical version of Chicago (though unlike The Warriors, where New York locations are central to the plot, Chicago serves as the stylistic influence for Streets of Fire but is never named as the actual location). And just like the Warriors, this movie wastes absolutely no time in clearly communicating almost every single thing you need to know about the setting. Dealing as it does in broad Americana archetypes and symbols, it only takes this pre-credit sequence to grasp the context of the film. These images -- the elevated train tracks, diners, Poodle skirts, pompadours, leather-clad biker gangs, Studebakers -- are burned into our national psyche, and they are as integral and easily identifiable icons of American mythology as the cowboy. Hill's city is a composite of every image of "the city" that appeared in the noir films of the forties. The population is comprised entirely of poodle-skirted or pompadoured rock 'n' roll fans, cops, street gangs, and smart-aleck bartenders. It always seems like it's nighttime, even during the daytime scenes. Although there are cops around, they don't seem to have much power. Whole neighborhoods are controlled by street gangs, and no one seems to have much problem with a bunch of guys running around with shotguns. It's also a city without racial divides. The Richmond -- as close to a good neighborhood as this movie comes -- seems to exist in a version of the fifties that didn't suffer from segregation (shades of the multi-ethnic street gangs in The Warriors). Since Streets of Fire is all about American symbols and myths, this makes perfect sense since we tend to see all that was cool about the era -- the style, the music, the cars -- without seeing what was bad -- specifically, segregation and a brutal response to a burgeoning civil rights movement. Streets of Fire is the fifties we wish we had -- where Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream was a reality and people weren't divided by race.
As Ellen Aim and the Attackers burn through the opening song, the movie cuts to scenes of an arriving biker gang. Doors are flung open, and the gang stands framed in blinding white light. As the song wraps, the gang storms the stage, kidnap Ellen, and punch Bill Paxton in the face. Would you do anything less than kidnap Diane Lane and punch Bill Paxton in the face? I didn't think so. A riot breaks out. Police cars flip over, windows get smashed, and a dude gets dragged behind a motorcycle. All this before the credits even roll (or flash, as the case may be). How you will react to the entire film can be ascertained by how you react to this pre-credit sequence. If the style immediately strikes you as corny or unbelievable, then you're not going to click with the rest of the film, because like many films and shows of the eighties (I'm thinking primarily of Michael Mann productions here), the style is every bit as important to communicating the plot as the plot itself. Without the style, there would be no story here, at least not one worth watching. Without the look, this would be just another action movie. But the look is there, however, and that elevates it into the realm of a sort of pop-art fantasy film. For me, given my stylistic sensibilities and fondness for fifties rock 'n' roll, I have to say that I think this opening sequence is one of the absolute coolest scenes in any film -- rivaling Hill's previous "coolest intro ever," which was the opening sequence in The Warriors of all the gangs traveling to Van Cortland Park up in The Bronx, accompanied by Barry DeVorzon's utterly bad-ass "Warriors Theme." Structurally and stylistically, the intro of Streets of Fire is almost identical, right down to the important of the opening song and the transition to the credits. The action proper picks up during the credits, as former soldier Tom Cody (Michael Paré) shows up and beats the crap Maurizio Merli style out of a bunch of punks in a diner. Michael Paré's "blue work shirt with the sleeves ripped off" and suspenders look is equal parts goofy and tough, but like everything in this movie, it's taking a style and extending it to right about the point where the illogical extreme begins, though nothing is illogically extreme as Bill Paxton's towering pompadour. Only Ronnie Spector's hair could ever give it a run for its money. Within the first few minutes, we learnt hat Cody has been called back to town by his sister, Reva (Deborah Van Valkenburgh, the chick from The Warriors), to rescue Ellen, who also happens to be his ex-girlfriend. To accomplish this task, Cody enlists the aid of tough girl and fellow ex-soldier McCoy (Amy Madigan), and Ellen's current boyfriend and obnoxious manager, Billy Fish (a wonderfully cast Rick Moranis). And that's it. Hill keeps his plot as lean and quick-moving as a welterweight prize fighter. There's an invigorating simplicity to the events that make up the movie. If it was remade today, the kidnapping of Ellen Aim would have to be part of some giant conspiracy involving corporations and multi-national record companies, and there would be backstabbing and double-crossing and all that other needlessly complex window dressing. Not here, though. Everything is exactly as it appears. Ellen is kidnapped by biker gang The Bombers and their leader, Raven Shaddock (Willem Dafoe, brilliant as always), for no other reason that he wants her. There is no ulterior motive, and their actions are not part of a sinister bigger plot. The bad guys start out and remain bad guys; the good guys start out and remain good guys. In between, shitloads of motorcycles explode.
What I love most about this movie -- and believe me, I absolutely love this movie -- is that every single scene, every single pose, and every single line of dialog, is so expertly staged. It's like a series of themed photographs. Hill is meticulous to the point of obsession with staging and writing Streets of Fire. The dialog is stilted and phony, but in a weird way that is totally believable. It's fifties tough guy slang, but with the rapid-fire panache of the eighties, or maybe of a really good forties film noir. So really, not so much how tough guys talked as it is how we think tough guys talked, playing once again to the concept of American mythology. Hill's rock 'n' roll tough guys stand as tall and symbolic as the cowboys of a John ford western. Every line is a carefully crafted homage to the concept of rock 'n' roll rebel. It's corny in spots, but never unintentionally so -- and even though that stilted corniness may be intentional, it's never ironic or overly wink-wink the way modern films are. Hill never makes the mistake of being self-deprecating, and instead plays the material completely straight, which allows you to smirk at how over-the-top it all is while also having to admit to yourself that, regardless of all that, it's really fuckin' cool. And don't think that it's easy to stitch together a coherent script where every single piece of dialog is a one-liner. The plot of Streets of Fire makes sense, possibly because it trades in American stock characters and iconography, but the dialog also makes sense even though there is never a single actual conversation in the entire film -- and that includes scenes where characters are supposed to be having a conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if Hill created the dialog by harvesting tough guy lines from the films of the forties and fifties and reassembling them here. While you're caught up in the fun and laughter of the ham-fisted dialog, you might lose sight of just how clever and effective it is. People have lost sight of what terms like "satire" mean -- these days, it's applied to pretty much any movie that isn't very good and thus tries to deflect criticism by claiming, "it's bad on purpose! We're goofing on the whole thing." This just doesn't fly with me. A movie like Streets of Fire is a perfect example of what satire should be. Streets of Fire is definitely a satirical look at American tough guys, action films, and rock 'n' roll rebels, but it doesn't let satire get in the way of still being a damn good action film full of tough guys and rock 'n' roll rebels. A movie with such a highly stylized approach to the sets and the dialog demands an equally stylized approach to the acting, and Walter Hill has assembled a cast that executes the job to perfection. Michael Paré oozes world-weary tough guy charm. I can't imagine anyone else in the role. Ditto Willem Dafoe, in what I think might be his first major role (he'd been in a few movies the previous two years, but never in a role this meaty). Clad in black leather and the aforementioned trash bag overalls (it was pointed out to me later that they are probably leather or rubber, but I'm sticking with trash bag) and topped with the most insane ducktail hairdo ever, Dafoe's unique look is exploited to the fullest as he hisses, grins, and glares through the entire film. If Paré is the stoic man of action, then Dafoe is his equal and opposite: the evil, scenery-chewing villain -- and man, is he ever good at it. And those names! It's actually pretty hard to come up with an action hero or villain name that works perfectly without straying into the realm of silliness (just wait until I unleash Rock Slabchest on the world). But Tom Cody? You know exactly what kind of dude he is when you hear that name. Little things like that never really get noticed, but I think it's an incredible stroke of brilliance to come up with a name that is so iconic yet still within the realm of believability. And when you see Michael Paré throw off his jacket and kick ass during the credits, you can't help but nod and go, "Yep, that's a guy named Tom Cody, all right." Same with Raven Shaddock. The name is just weird enough to be cool, but not so weird that you can't imagine some guy actually having the name. And when you see Willem Dafoe in his trash bag overalls, standing in front of the flaming wreckage of a motorcycle and snarling, "I'll be coming for her…and I'll be coming for you, too," you can't help but think the same thing you thought about Tom Cody: yep, that's a guy who would be named Raven Shaddock. Only Stringfellow Hawk and Brock Samson can compete.
As good as Paré and Dafoe are, though, this movie really belongs to the supporting characters. Amy Madigan isn't just a tough chick, she's a tough chick, and once again you can't imagine her being named anything but McCoy. And Rick Moranis? Forget it! Almost everyone knows him as the lovable loser nerd guy, but cast here as a scheming, obnoxious, condescending prick, he is absolutely brilliant. He walks that line where he's just prick enough to be a prick, but not so much a prick that you don't actually like him. As with everything about this movie, Rick Moranis knows exactly how far he can go without crossing the line. I've never seen so many characters that were both completely over-the-top yet imminently believable -- once again, I imagine, because Hill and Streets of Fire play to our archetypal expectations. Moranis may have been at his funniest in Ghostbusters, but I think Streets of Fire remains the best job of acting he's ever done. Even the lesser characters in the movie have been cast with the same degree of attention. As soon as you see them, you know exactly who they are and what they're like. In small parts as the struggling band The Sorels, Stony Jackson, Grand Bush, Mykel Williams and a "mere days before his fame" Robert Townshend look every bit like The Commodores as interpreted by a 1980s sensibility. It helps that each of these actors would go on to careers that may not make them household names, but certainly made them familiar faces to people who watch a lot of movies. It works perfectly for Streets of Fire to have so many people you see and say to yourself, "Yeah, I sort of know that guy." The same goes for Richard Lawson and Rick Rossovich as the cops. You know these guys when you see them, though you might not remember from where. But you have no doubt about them as soon as they step on screen. Bill Paxton also has a small roll as...well, the same guy Bill Paxton always plays. But man, does anyone do that guy better than Bill Paxton? When you need Eddie Deezen, you call Eddie Deezen. And when you need Bill Paxton, Bill Paxton is your man. He's got that shit-eating grin, sneering attitude -- oh, he's just the one character in every movie, but he's just so damn good at it! And his pompadour here is epic. Matching Paxton is Elizabeth Daily, who you might remember from Valley Girl or Pee Wee's Big Adventure. With rare exception, she played pretty much the exact same character in all her movies, too, and she plays that character here, but she's perfect at it. Completely irritating, but not overexposed. She's there just enough for the viewer to cheer when Cody walks in, sees her, and says, "Why are you still here?" You may be wondering why I haven't gotten around to Diane Lane yet. Well, here we go. I've always thought that Diane Lane was (and still is) one of the hottest dames to ever grace a movie screen, and she's never been hotter than she is here. Unfortunately, her character, despite being the impetus for everything that happens, is really just a supporting player. She's good when she's on screen, but her character just isn't good enough to avoid being lost amid the towering symbols that surround her. Although she's not top billed, Amy Madigan is your female lead in this movie. Diane Lane is the Helen of Troy of the story. But she burns up the stage during the musical scenes. Which is as good a segue way as any into talking about the soundtrack, which is as integral to the film as everything else mentioned so far -- obviously, considering the movie is subtitled "A Rock and Roll Fable." The score itself was composed and performed by Ry Cooder, and is exactly the sort of twanging, dirty blues-country-rock hybrid you'd expect from him. It fits perfectly with the on-screen action. Cooder's score is punctuated by several pop songs, including the movie's runaway hit, "I Can Dream About You," by Dan Hartman. Hartman may look like an eighties amalgamation of that guy from A Flock of Seagulls and that guy from simply Red (it's the floppy permed bangs), but his song here is a weirdly effective and catchy embodiment of the overall style of the movie. It's definitely eighties, but there's a throwback undercurrent to it, something that suggests Motown or old Northern Soul -- a suggestion that is increased when the song is placed within the context of the film, being performed by The Sorels in their slim-cut gray suits and Wayfarer sunglasses.
Diane Lane lip synchs a couple Jim Steinman penned theater-rock numbers with vocals by frequent Steinman collaborator Holly Sherwood. Like most of Steinman's songs, "Nowhere Fast" seems like it's comprised of three catchy songs all crammed into one, and while it never became a big hit, it's still pretty good and, as mentioned way back at the beginning of this review, fist perfectly with the tone of the film. And damned if I can get through the song without getting caught up in all the fist-banging bravado. I'm a big proponent of the idea that what's wrong with rock 'n' roll these days is that there aren't enough bombastic anthems about fiery hearts and rain-streaked streets, performed by a hot lead singer banging her fist in the air. The other stand-out performance comes courtesy of a Stray Cats style retro band called The Blasters, who perform two swing-infused rockabilly numbers at Torchy's, the rough and tumble dive bar that serves as the headquarters for The Bombers. It should be pretty evident at this point just how enthusiastic I am about this film. I can't believe I let it sit dormant in the back of my memory for so many years. Besides everything mentioned above, let me just point out quickly that it's awesomely violent. Motorcycles explode, people get thrown through windows, Cody socks Ellen in the jaw, Lee Ving from the old punk band Fear socks Rick Moranis in the jaw, Amy Madigan socks Bill Paxton in the jaw, and Cody and Raven fight each other with those sledgehammer-pick axe things railroad workers and John Henry used to use. While the movie isn't nonstop action, it is fast-paced and plenty action-packed. Hill knows how to make an action film, and he's at the top of his game, here. I'd be remiss, though, if I didn't mention other essential crew members. As this is a movie where every single little part is important to creating the over-all vibe, you can't overlook the contributions of the cinematographer Andrew Laszlo (who worked with Hill on The Warriors and perfectly captures the rain-and-neon soaked fantasy landscape) and editors Jim Coblentz, Freeman A. Davies, and Michael Ripps, who expertly cut the film to keep a high-energy rock 'n' roll beat without becoming overly frenetic or jump-cut addicted the way many modern films are. Like a good rocker, they simply know how to find the rhythm that works. Streets of Fire may have been DOA at the American box office, but something about the movie clicked with audiences in Japan. It was embraced enthusiastically there, perhaps because it plays to the same sort of aforementioned American mythology as westerns, something that appeals to the pop culture impression of America in Japan. The United states and Japan have a complex relationship with each other that isn't unlike, in my opinion, the relationship we have with England (both one-time bitter enemies who have since become close allies). Like England, Japan is both instantly recognizable as something similar to the United States, but also something somewhat exotic. If we're closer and more understanding of England, it's only because we share the same language. For decades, Japan has thrived on American pop culture, just as the States have proven ravenous for many aspects of Japanese pop culture. And both countries have a highly stylized ideal of each other that is based at least as much on fantasy and pop culture perception as it is on reality -- maybe even more so. Which is why a movie like streets of Fire would play so well to a Japanese audience. It is quintessentially American without actually being an accurate reflection of what America is really like. Like westerns, Streets of Fire is pure pulp-pop culture Americana.
Plus, it's coated in a slick veneer of neon signs and cool outfits. The art design of the movie wasted no time in becoming a huge influence on the eighties anime scene in Japan. Many television shows and OAVs drew their look and inspiration from Streets of Fire -- and some went as far as to include animated versions of the film playing in the background of a scene. The opening sequence of and many other scenes from Bubblegum Crisis draws so heavily from Streets of Fire that one enterprising anime fan edited scenes from Bubblegum Crisis to the audio from the Streets of Fire trailer, and the results are amazingly similar. And tell me that the various villains in Fist of the North Star don't owe as much or more to Raven Shaddock as they do to the guys from The Road Warrior. Heck, Megazone 23 is completely blatant about the influence Streets of Fire has over it. And the Streets of Fire influence isn't limited to anime. It seems like every hip Japanese director cites Streets of Fire as an influence on their work. Watch the opening scene in Takashi Miike's Dead or Alive. Isn't it just a more violent distillation of everything that goes on in Streets of Fire? Well, whatever. In this case, the Japanese got it right, because Streets of Fire is one of the coolest movies ever made. The streamlined story and stylized hardboiled antics might cause you to miss just how artfully put-together the package is, but even if you don't spend the entire movie dissecting it, you can do what we did, which was open a few beers, eat a lot of hot wings, and howl with sheer, unbridled joy. There seem to be some quiet rumblings that might point to a revival in interest pertaining to Streets of Fire. If any movie from the eighties deserves to be rediscovered and championed, this is it, because it's rare that a movie is this much fun. And Michael Paré, if you are sitting out there with Michael Beck in some street corner diner beneath the elevated train tracks, wondering if people still remember: hell yeah, we remember. Labels: Action, Director: Walter Hill, Rock and Roll, Stars: Bill Paxton, Stars: Diane Lane, Stars: Michael Pare, Stars: Willem Dafoe, Year: 1984 posted by Keith at 5:34 PM | 11 Comments Tuesday, May 11, 2004Wild Zero
2000, Japan. Starring Masashi Endo, Kwancharu Shitichai, Makoto Inamiya, Masao Sato, Shiro Namiki, Naruka Nakajo, Yoshiyuki Morishita, Guitar Wolf, Drum Wolf, Bass Wolf. Directed by Tetsuro Takeuchi. Available on DVD (Amazon).
I'm realistic. I am fully aware of the fact that I have seen quite a few "best films I have ever seen." They number in the dozens, if not more, and each and every one of them makes me happy. I live in fear of the day that I can say with any degree of certainty what my favorite movie is, because that means I will have gotten to the point where there is only one movie I can enjoy that much. Not very interesting, if you ask me. So it goes, then, that I have just seen the best film I have ever seen -- one of several, as I mentioned. The sort of film that makes you yell. The sort of film that makes you kick things over and want to set stuff on fire -- or is that just me? I have seen the sort of film that gives you, or at least me, everything I always want from a film: sexy gals, sexy guys, bucketloads of cool, guns, zombies, explosions, UFOs, and rock 'n' roll. Come on -- if your life had more of each of those things, wouldn't you be having a little bit more fun? The bast couple years have seen a number of Asian zombie films hit the scene, which has been refreshing since no one else, not even the Italians, seemed all that interesting in reviving the undead genre despite the popularity of games like Resident Evil. I thought for sure that was going to cause a minor resurgence in the number of shambling flesh-eaters we saw shuffling across the screen, but instead we just got more teen slasher films, a genre that impresses me with the fact that just when you think you have seen it reach its most annoying, insipid, and idiotic low, along comes the next movie and is even worse. Hong Kong's Bio-Zombie was a promising start, and things got better when Japan unleashed Junk, but both of those films had one major weakness: characters you either couldn't stand or simply did not care about. They must have picked that one up from the Italians. What was missing in Asia's slowly growing number of George Romero-inspired zombie funfests was any sense of caring or humanity in the characters. While a zombie still can and often does succeed on a purely visceral level even with characters you'd just as soon see eaten, there's something more engaging about a cast with charisma, a cast that includes people you actually don't grow to hate before the end of their first scene. In short, what they were missing was a film like Wild Zero, one of the greatest films ever made. Wild Zero is a shining example of everything Japan has that Hong Kong has lost. As I've said time and time again, Hong Kong desperately needs an underground in order to stay interesting, at least to me and the people out there who don't enjoy Coco Lee albums. They need a music underground and they need a film underground. They currently have very little of either. They also need pro wrestling and Mexican food, but that's a discussion for another time. Japan, on the other hand, not only has Mexican food and pro wrestling, they have one of the greatest underground and fringe scenes in the world. Chalk it up to how repressed the mainstream society is, then throw in a little something about the law of physics stating that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every uptight, by-the-books salaryman and stodgy old parent who looks at someone's financial reports before they look at the actual person in order to judge their worth as a potential date for their daughter, for every high-strung, addicted to protocol cog you have in mainstream society, there is a glorious opposite. Someone who doesn't bow down to the incredible pressures Japanese society puts on its citizens to conform and consume, someone who eschews the everyday and looks for something different. This has given Japan one of the most diverse and wild undergrounds anywhere. From noise music to heavy metal, punk rock to surf guitar, Japan isn't missing a beat. The face of the mainstream may be syrupy mass-market J-pop crap, but lurking not too far beneath the surface are a rowdy bunch of punks, rockers, and freaks who continue to shake things up. We salute them. It's a shame America can't rediscover a bit of that rebel attitude. I guess as we become a more "crazed consumer" society, as we continue to stop being people and continue to become commodities and resources, it'll rekindle a little of what the Japanese underground has been keeping watch over while we've all been too busy wallowing in self-indulgence. Underground film and music collide in Wild Zero as they only could in Japan. The movie stars, among others, now legendary lo-fi garage punk/rockabilly icons Guitar Wolf as themselves in roles that are not completely unlike what we saw KISS doing in KISS Meets the Phantom. The big difference is that while KISS seemed completely goofy in that movie, Guitar Wolf can't help but seem like the baddest ass bunch of guys on the planet. Rockabilly pompadours, black leather jackets, and "don't give a fuck" attitudes go a long way, and this movie uses them all perfectly. The story opens with Ace, a young rockabilly from some nowhere town in the Japanese countryside. Ace is on the verge of being cool but still has a ways to go before he'll be in the big leagues. He's got the hair and the jacket and the Link Wray albums, but there's still something naive and goofy about him. He'll quickly develop into one of the most likeable characters in any zombie movie. Ace is heading out on his none-too-cool motorbike to catch Guitar Wolf playing in a nearby equally no-name town. He also has plans to get himself known as a force to be reckoned with on the rockabilly/garage punk scene by confronting the manager of the club, who must be seen to be believed. He has Little Lord Fontleroy hair, a tennis sweater, and the absolute tightest, shortest shorts ever worn by man. I mean, these things are short and tight even by Japanese standards, and they are the people who gave us all those little kids in Godzilla and Gamera movies. This guy is wearing those same shorts, but he is an adult. All is not going well for Guitar Wolf, however. Despite the fact that they just put on a successful show featuring microphones that shoot jets of flame out the back, and despite the fact that the club owner grew up with Guitar Wolf, he doesn't want to give them anymore shows. He'd rather focus on sugary bubblegum pop, leaving behind Guitar Wolf's brand of retro rock and roll. "Rock and roll is dead!" the manager shouts. Ace, who happens to be lingering outside, hears this proclamation and is outraged. He busts into the office, assumes a cool rock and roll stance and yells, "Rock and roll will never die!" He's right, of course. You can have your hip hop and your metal hip hop and your trance and your techno and your electronica. Nothing can take the place of a loud, distorted guitar as far as I'm concerned. Ace's intrusion causes a shootout between the pistol-packing club owner and the members of Guitar Wolf. Wolf manages to get the better of the club owner, costing him a couple of fingers for his treachery. Ace is decked by a security guard, but after Guitar Wolf emerges victorious from the scuffle, lead guitarist and vocalist Guitar Wolf (the other guys in the band are Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf) slices open his own hand, slices open Ace's hand, and makes them "rock 'n' roll blood brothers." He then gives Ace a whistle and tells him to blow it should he ever find himself in a heap of danger, which of course, he soon will. The members of Guitar Wolf then ride off into the night in a muscle car and on a motorcycle that shoots jets of flame out the back. So already this is the coolest movie ever made. Obviously it's not taking itself seriously, but even with the wink and the nudge, it's still unbelievably cool. Maybe it's just me. I've always wanted to live in a rock and roll world where you could make things happen just by playing the guitar and snapping your fingers. I think part of what attracted me to punk rock in the first place was that, at least until it's corruption in the latter half of the 1990s, it believed in the rock 'n' roll myth, that rock 'n' roll could change the world, or that it could at least change your life. I know it changed mine. I still can't make things happen just by snapping my fingers, but I'm working on it. The next day, the story continues with a young cutie named Tobio getting dumped along the side of the road by some freaked out guy who is calling her a pervert. Why? Who knows? She's deadly cute and is keeping the faith by wearing a pair of Converse. She walks to a nearby gas station but can't seem to find anyone who works there. Likewise, a couple tow truck drivers stop by and are similarly baffled by the unlocked doors, fully operational pumps, and complete lack of employees. They all sort of mill about wondering what to do until a crazy-haired young punk busts in to rob the joint. He and his two friends -- a bickering boyfriend and girlfriend -- have driven out to the countryside to see a meteor that recently landed nearby, and this was the best thing they could think of to get traveling money. It doesn't go so well since no one who works at the gas station is around. The whole attempted robbery is foiled when Ace happens by on his way to a show in another town, opens the door, and bloodies the robber's nose by accident, sending him running and crying back to his car. Meanwhile, a couple yakuza types are driving out to a deserted area to meet with a crazy female arms dealer who is going to sell them some serious firepower for a coming gangland feud. They are stopped on their way by a bunch of people wandering around in the middle of the road. Seemingly not noticing that all these people are gray and covered with gory wounds, one of the yakuza gets out of the car to berate and threaten them, resulting in the first zombie attack of the movie. The zombies are decent, certainly better make-up than we saw in Bio-Zombie though still not quite up to the high standards established by guys like Tom Savini and Gianetto De Rossi. Back at the gas station, Ace and Tobio have become fast friends and developed immediate crushes on one another. Hey, they are two good lookin' young kids. Why the hell not? The movie reminds you not to take anything very seriously by shooting the whole "shy smile" exchange between the two through a pink heart-shaped cut-out. Awwww! Seriously, Ace and Tobio are easy to like, and it just goes to show you that it's not hard to make characters people will like. I don't know why so many other horror film creators can't get it right. All you have to do is not make them assholes. If they are decent people who are basically nice, there you go. People will like them. If they are selfish dickweeds who shout all the time, then obviously no one will like them. I guess horror writers want you to hate the human characters so you will root for the gore effects. That's fine the first few times you see a gore effect, but after years of them, you start to appreciate a few likeable characters in the mix. Tobio and Ace part ways at the gas station, with Ace, ever the cool cat, saying, "It would be nice to run into you again sometime." He then sets out on his dippy little motorcycle for the next town and the next rock 'n' roll show. Catching up with our sorry bunch of would-be gas station robbers, they've parked their van near a lake and are cooling off after their little foray into attempted crimes. No sooner do the boyfriend and girlfriend go off into the woods to argue some more than they are all set upon by a horde of zombies. At the same time, Ace stumbles upon the yakuza types serving as a bloody meal for some zombies while the crazy arms dealer woman finds her own home beseiged by the living dead. Suddenly these guys are everywhere, and as usual they are hungry for the flesh of the living. To make matters just that much more complicated, the vengeful club owner has discovered the whereabouts of Guitar Wolf and is heading off to even the score. Ace fights his way through the zombies in order to get back to Tobio, who is the first person he thinks of. The two of them hole up in what looks to be an abandoned school building or theater or something. Difficult to tell. As they spend time together, Ace is aware of the fact that he's falling in love fast and hard with Tobio, and she seems to feel the same way about him. Being attacked by zombies is just the sort of thing that will bring two people together, after all. After an awkward kiss, Ace bemoans the fact that he is a total uncool wannabe who only dreams of being as slick as Guitar Wolf. Tobio doesn't mind -- she likes Ace the way he is -- but when she reveals her big secret, the one that got her thrown out of that guy's car when we first met her -- it freaks Ace out so much that he scrambles for another room to get away from her. While Ace wrestles with his emotions, the apparition of Guitar Wolf appears before him, strikes a super-cool rock 'n' roll pose, and tells him that love has no boundaries or rules. Ace nods in understanding and goes in search of Tobio only to discover that zombies have overrun the building, and she is nowhere to be found. As Ace fights desperately against the zombies, he remembers the whistle. He blows on it, and like Goldar from the Space Giants, Guitar Wolf immediately senses that Ace in in danger. They mount up their flame-spewing vehicles and head off into the night to help their rock 'n' roll blood brother. And it's around this time that the UFOs start to show up. Did I forget to mention them? Along the way, Guitar Wolf picks up the boyfriend and girlfriend being chased by zombies. They arrive at the gas station and find it empty -- almost. Guitar Wolf bends down and finds Ace's comb. He shakes his head, realizing that Ace needs their help more than ever since he has such an uncool comb. No sooner does he make this decision than the crazy arms dealing woman pulls up in her armored vehicle with dozens upon dozens of flesh-hungry zombies hot on her trail. Guitar Wolf -- who, by the way, still has his guitar slung over his shoulder -- steps outside and dispatches the zombies in the best way possible: through the use of glowing magic guitar picks that whiz through the air like ninja shurikens and cause zombie heads to start exploding left and right! Oh yes, you heard me correctly. Don't worry though, because it gets even better! The group eventually finds Ace just in the nick of time, but Ace is just as happy to die for having betrayed Tobio and let her down. Guitar Wolf assumes another cool rock 'n' roll pose and yells at Ace to "Believe in yourself, Ace! Believe in rock 'n' roll!" Ace nods in comprehension and, using some guns supplied by the crazy arms dealing woman, sets out to find Tobio or die trying. Meanwhile, Guitar Wolf and their hangers-on are set upon by zombies attacking the crazy arms dealing woman's storage warehouse, where they've all holed up. As if enough wasn't going on, the club owner -- completely oblivious to the fact that zombies are everywhere and the sky is filled with UFOs -- finally corners Guitar Wolf for their big showdown, which includes grenades, pistols, and glowing magic powers of rock 'n' roll electricity. In just one of the film's seemingly endless parade of "greatest moments ever," The Captain shoots a grenade into the room where Guitar Wolf is hiding. Guitar Wolf leaps out of the window with bellowing fire around him, shouts "Rock 'n' roll!!!!" as he falls, then lands in a crouched position and immediately tunes his guitar. Drum Wolf and Bass Wolf finally settle matters with the application of a bazooka to the problem. After firing the bazooka and blowing a whole bunch of shit all to hell, they immediately return to drinking whiskey and combing their hair. Ace fights his way across town and ends up back at the gas station where he and Tobio first met. As fate would have it, she has returned there as well. He runs up to her and gives her a big hug and a kiss, proclaiming his love for her and promising to never leave her side -- he even swears on his leather jacket and rock 'n' roll that he will always be with her. They finally embrace while Guitar Wolf decides to deal with the UFOs once and for all. In one of the greatest scenes in movie history, he stands atop a building while a massive mothership flies overhead. Drawing a glowing samurai sword out of the neck of his guitar, he shouts, "Rock 'n' roll!!!"and proceeds to slice UFOs in half! By this point I didn't even know how to react. I was just sitting there with a huge smile on my face, perhaps with a bit of drool dripping from the corner of my mouth. Wild Zero had succeeded where so many other films failed: it had blown my mind. I was, in the greatest sense of the phrase, completely and utterly dumbfounded. The movie ends with Guitar Wolf parting ways with their rock and roll blood brother and his newfound true love. "You don't need this anymore," Guitar Wolf had said earlier, taking back the whistle when Ace found the courage to fight for Tobio. As they stand on the nighttime road, Guitar Wolf gives Ace the last gift he will need: a cooler comb. "After that night, I never saw Guitar Wolf again," Ace says in voice-over narration. "Courage and rock 'n' roll: that's what he taught me that night." And as Tobio and Ace ride off into the night, so ends the coolest fucking movie I've seen since the last Japanese biker/rockabilly movie I watched, Crazy Thunder Road. Man alive, I'd kill for a big-screen double feature with these two films. What can I really say about Wild Zero other than it's the greatest movie ever? I mean, it has Japanese rockabillies fighting zombies and UFOs while shouting "rock and roll!!!" It's nonstop energy, and even the slower scenes are fun. Ace and Tobio are two of the most likeable characters in any horror film, and that makes the whole thing much more engaging. The characters you don't like are killed quickly, and even some of them you don't like become more sympathetic as they grow through the course of the film's completely wild, over-the-top zombie action. And hell, you have leather-clad Guitar Wolf throwing magic glowing guitar picks and blowing zombie heads off with the greatest of ease as they tool around a plague-infested countryside on fire-spraying motorcycles. It goes without saying that if you want deadly seriousness, this is not the film for you. This is not the website for you, either. You know serious people make me want to dance naked on the lawn whilst playing the Pan flute. Well, they would if I had a lawn. And a Pan flute. So let's just say they make me want to dance naked in front of the window whilst playing the harmonica. So anyway, no seriousness, but you do get some actual social commentary that avoids being at all contrived or heavy-handed. It comes across as rock 'n' roll wisdom, and I for one will always take advice from mystical Japanese garage punk rockabilly guys. This movie has it all. Monsters, aliens, romance, and coolness! The acting is great. Ace and Tobio are engaging and charismatic, and of Guitar Wolf is there to ooze cool, which they do. Ace will have the ladies saying "awww" and Tobio is such a mind-blowing cutie that her big secret will freak out all sorts of the less open-minded people in the audience, which is reason alone to love this film. Everyone else is pretty good as well. And then there's the music. Incredible. Obviously you get a healthy dose of Guitar Wolf's growing ultra-distorted garage punk madness, but filling out the soundtrack are some of the greatest lo-fi garage acts Japan has to offer. Teengenerate, Charlie and the Hot Wheels, Bikini Kill, The Ramblin' Rose, Mad 3, The Vikings, Devil Dogs, Greg Oblivion and the Tip-Tops, and plenty more. With the plot, the characters, and the music, this movie is rock and roll, plain and simple. It's good to see (or hear) a movie where the soundtrack is more than a series of incidental songs with no real point within the context of the film. Wild Zero makes wonderful use of the music at hand in order to augment the movie, not just to augment record sales as is commonplace in the United States (and maybe elsewhere -- I don't really know). Guitar Wolf's music is obvious in its inclusion, but it's use well in both concert performance scenes and at key points int he action. Something seems that much wilder and cooler when it is accompanied by the sudden scream of "Invader Ace." Most effective after that are the handful of slower songs by Greg Oblivian that increase the power of certain moments tenfold. Tobio and Ace are cute with their shy first encounter at the gas station, but it's made even sweeter with Greg's "Twice As Deep" playing in the background. Using music effectively is something a lot of movies have forgotten. They either throw out completely disconnected pop songs in hopes of selling records rather than meaning anything within the film, or they just pipe in completely bland and predictable John Williams wannabe orchestration. Using music effectively seems to be a dying art, and I was happy to hear it used so amazingly well in Wild Zero. But then, what should I expect from a movie full of rockers? This isn't the goriest movie int he world, but it has plenty o' grue to keep the bloodhounds happy. Heads explode right and left, and there's the requisite number of throat rippings and intestine gobblings as are required by zombie films. But the gore is not front and center here as it is in weaker zombie films. The characters are the center of the story. Well, the characters and rock 'n' roll. They propel the action instead of the other way around, as it all too often is. See if it isn't more fun to sit through a movie where you actually hope the characters don't die. It makes everything a lot more tense and exciting. And you know that ultimately, I'm a sap, so the struggling romance between Tobio and Ace really serves as the icing on the cake. After all, it ain't rock 'n' roll if it doesn't have some romance, and it couldn't happen between two nicer people. The love story is what makes me really smile about this film, same way I did with Dead Alive. The scene where Greg Oblivian's strange but endearing "Bad Man on a Toy Piano" is playing while Ace fights zombies after realizing the error in spurning Tobio and Tobio wanders the desolate streets dejected and saddened, all done in slow motion, is one of the most effective and touching romantic moments in any film. And then you have Greg Oblivian again with the song "Twice as Deep" playing when the two finally find one another and Ace swears "on my leather jacket and on rock 'n' roll that I will always love you." I tell ya, not a dry rockabilly eye will be in the room. After all, rockers may be bad boys and girls, but there's an undeniable romanticism behind it all. Funny that my three favorite romantic films are now Wild Zero, Dead Alive, and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. You figure that one out. I really can't say enough good things about Wild Zero. It's an Ed "Big Daddy" Roth drawing come true. Monsters and zombies, rockabillies and romance. It's the most fun I've had at the movies in a long time. It represents everything I love about film and about life. Well, I don't love being chased by zombies, but I guess even that would be more fun if I had a glowing guitar samurai sword and ninja star guitar picks. If you are a fan of zombies, bikers, rock and roll music, action, or just damn good films, then this is the movie for you. After watching it, I wondered what it was I'd liked about other zombie movies so much. With the exception of Dawn of the Dead -- which incidentally was also highlighted by a strong cast of basically likeable characters -- they seem such distant trailers of a movie like this that just does everything right and remains a wild ride from beginning to end. I don't want to use the phrase "If you see only one movie," because as I said at the beginning of this review, I wouldn't want to watch just one film. So watch a lot of films, but make sure this is one of the first ones you grab. It's absolutely fantastic, and that's about as good as things can get. Labels: Country: Japan, Horror: Zombies, Rock and Roll, Year: 2000 posted by Keith at 5:11 PM | 0 Comments Tuesday, March 18, 2003Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park
1978, United States. Starring Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, John Dennis Johnston, John Lisbon Wood, Lisa Jane Persky, John Chappell, Terry Lester, Richard Hein, Brion James. Directed by Gordon Hessler.
Band movies rarely stray very far from the tried and true "band movie" formula that consists of an entire film built around the band trying to get to a concert amid an onslaught of wacky hijinks, and very often, meddling censorship board type people. This plot has worked for everyone from The Beatles to The Spice Girls. Hell even the Atari 2600 video game "Journey" revolved around the player guiding Steve Perry, or a crudely rendered rectangular likeness thereof, through a variety of pitfalls en route to what was sure to be a rockin' stage show. So when KISS decided to expand their mass marketing onslaught beyond the world of dollies and pinball machines and into movies (or at least into made for TV movies), it's no surprise that the plot was about KISS trying to get to a concert amid a series of pitfalls and shenanigans. However, KISS is probably the only band that took the age-old storyline but weren't afraid to tweak it a bit by casting themselves not just as mere mortals playing rock and roll in goofy stage costumes, but also as intergalactic deities with magical powers and sacred talismans (talismen?). To be frank, I'm pretty sick of talismans. Every fantasy movie ever made seems to involve a sacred talisman or a chosen one. Man, screw The Chosen One. There's so many goddamned "The Chosen Ones" running around in the woods that it's a miracle those dark lords and prophets can keep track of things. I'll be happy if I never again see a movie featuring a sacred talisman, amulet, or "The Chosen One." How many more The Chosen Ones do we need? It's like, eventually everyone gets to be The Chosen One. I mean, when they start dragging Keaneu Reeves out as a The Chosen One, you know they're running out of candidates. Who's the next The Chosen One? Arnold Stang? Patrick Swayze? Wait, I think he might have The Chosen One of which the Prophecy spoke in Steele Dawn. So maybe C. Thomas Howell will be the next The Chosen One. Or Fred Savage. All things considered, I'm sure you noticed that The Chosen One is almost always a total loser dweeb kid. We as a society should take a more responsible role in choosing our chosen ones. When we start ending up with Eddie Deezen as The Chosen One, it's not much further until we're electing Bill Clinton. Teleport City will be the first to launch the hip new Prophecy awareness campaign, "Rock the Chosen One." KISS has a history with The Chosen One. You know KISS as the ass-kicking metal band who banged out teen anthems like "Rock and Roll All Night," and songs stoners use to woo their girls, like "Beth." Few people pay attention to that phase KISS went through I like to refer to as "disco metal." It eventually evolved into that sort of metal where they sing in a falsetto voice about dwarves and Balrogs and shit. Black Sabbath was probably the band that laid the groundwork for role playing metal, but KISS really brought it into its own with the oft ignored album The Elder. The Elder went a long way in breaking the band up. Ace and Peter wanted to return to the band's hard rock roots while Paul and Gene were deeply involved in putting together this medieval fantasy disco metal album. Frehley washed his hands of the whole project and actually plays on only one song, coincidentally enough the one song with a substantial guitar solo. The idea behind The Elder was to put together a "rock opera" about a young "The Chosen One," who is battling wizards and demons and apparently doing a lot of sailing. The particulars are unclear to me. After the album was complete, the whole thing would be made into a movie a la The Who's Quadrophenia or Tommy, with 1970s lovable loser mainstay Chris Makepeace cast as "The Chosen One." The most positive thing you can say about the whole thing is that Chris is a decent "The Chosen One." This guy built a career on being the lovable loser who saves the day and finds the magic within in such 1970s teen hits as Meatballs and the superb My Bodyguard. Based on the KISS album, he would play the usual reluctant loser who can't possibly become a great savior despite some old fart telling him he is The Chosen One. In the end, of course, his bravery awakens and he saves us all from the forces of darkness. I have to base my plot summary on the music because the movie never actually got made. The Elder was universally panned by critics and KISS fans alike. Ace left the band, as did Peter Criss. It sold about ten copies, one of which was to me, and one to my old roommate Pat. When I tried to buy the album in CD, the hippie at the record store in Gainesville didn't want to sell it to me. He pleaded with me not to buy the album because it was the worst piece of shit ever recorded. I persisted, and of course, he was right. It is awful, but that's exactly what I expected, and I was actually overjoyed by just how bad it truly was. I mean, when someone tells you that KISS has teamed up with underground music icon Lou Reed to record a song, you expect something cool. Instead, you get some rock ballad about knights and legions and shit. Anyway, this whole digression was basically meant to say I generally hate any movies featuring "The Chosen One," and the illustrate that despite the blood spitting, KISS are the cheesiest motherfuckers around. Anyway, getting back to the movie, KISS refrained from putting any "The Chosen Ones" in this film, though there is a sort of evil wizard guy. And like I said, the members of KISS are all space gods with the ability to fly and shoot animation out of their eyes. The action takes place entirely at an amusement park where KISS will be doing a big concert. The first half hour of the film follows the "funny" exploits of a band of "hooligans" who do holligany things like walk on the benches and mess around with ice cream. They are pretty typical 1970s TV movie hooligans, complete with the guy in one of those British guy knit golfer caps and official 1970s TV movie hooligan names: Sneed, Slime, Chopper, and of course the gal of the bunch, Dirty Dee. We also get introduced to some tinkerer who is pissed that KISS is the star attraction of the park instead of his piece of shit animatronics that do high-tech things like, you know, wave and lean back and forth. These are supposedly some sort of technological marvels, much akin to what you will find in a parking lot carnival. The tinkerer, however, is also insane, because all scientists are, and unbeknownst to his employers at the park, he has been building an army of robots that move and look exactly like real humans. Now if he had been showing these as examples of his work instead of animatronic gorillas who turn their heads, maybe the owners might like him more. Oh yeah, he has a lair beneath the park, thus making him the phantom referred to in the title. He starts kidnapping people, including the hooligans, and turning them into robots. Yes, he is making an army of robot zombies out of a cast who basically act that way to begin with. He also kidnaps the boyfriend of "the good girl," and in true 1970s TV movie form, she sets about solving the mystery of her boyfriend's disappearance. Now you may be wondering certain things about KISS, like where the hell are they? I started wondering that myself, and after what seemed like an eternity, the night of the big concert finally comes and KISS flies down out the heavens (I swear) in full superimposed glory to play "Rock and Roll All Night." Afterwards, the good girl spies her boyfriend's robotic double in the backstage area working as a security guard. She tries to get to him, but security won't let her pass without being on "the list." I thought any woman could be on KISS's list, but oh well. Luckily, KISS happens by and sees her struggling. Gene Simmons yells "STAR CHILD!" in a weird echo voice, which causes Paul Stanley to shoot magic beams out his eyes that allow him to read the girl's mind. I swear to God this is all in the movie. You don't think I'm insane and creative enough to come up with this shit, do you? At least from this point on, KISS is actually in the movie. The evil tinkerer makes some KISS robots and sends the Gene Simmons robot out to smash things up. Naturally, the real Gene Simmons gets blamed, but the others are quick to point out that Gene has been with them all day, sitting by the pool in full KISS regalia and sparkling robes. Paul Stanley begins to suspect something evil is afoot, and Ace continuously croaks, "Aawwwkkk!" for no real reason other than to annoy everyone. They all get together to sing "Beth" to the good girl who is not named Beth, then bring her into their secret chamber where they keep the magic KISS talismans that give them their special powers. This leads to one of the best bits of dialogue in the whole movie: Paul (say in high voice with little emotion): "If they were to fall into the wrong hands..." Gene (in magic echo demon voice): "There are no right hands but ours!!!" They tend to just leave this shit lying around on a bean bag chair, but they are confident that the magic force-field that surrounds them will keep everything safe. Still, the tinkerer can't help but send robots to try and steal the KISS amulets. KISS themselves have many kungfu battles with, umm, with ... werewolves? I don't really know. Werewolves in metallic silver bodysuits. KISS not only does kungfu in their big-ass clunky boots, but they can also fly. Gene can blow fire and Paul can shoot laser beams from his eyes. Ace can do backflips and Peter can, umm, I don't know. He has all the powers of a cat, so I guess he curls up on the werewolf's newspaper while it is trying to read. KISS have another mystical kungfu battle in a house of horrors type thing. It's not quite on par with Jackie Chan's funhouse fight in My Lucky Stars, but Jackie was only wearing a goofy mascot outfit, not platformed dragon boots. Unfortunately for KISS, the tinkerer uses a magic space ray to shatter the force field around their talismans and steal them. Thus KISS lose all their special powers and get captured. The tinkerer gives them a tour of his secret lair, explains his entire diabolical plan to use his robots to incite riots or something, shows them the KISS robots that will turn the concert into a bloodbath, sits the mystic talismans on the coffee table next to KISS's cage, then leaves. This guy must have gone to the "Batman Villain School of Planning." The KISS robots go to the concert and whip the crowd into a frenzy by playing "Rip and Destroy" while using hypnosis that makes the crowd rip and destroy. Who will save us? Will KISS be able to unite their psychic powers to get the talismans left lying about a foot away from them? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel! Of course KISS gets the talismans back! They fly to the concert like a bunch of gaudy Supermen just in time to save the day with more silly kungfu and magic eye laser beams. Then, after having destroyed the evil robots, releasing all the kidnapped people, and vanquished their foes, they take the stage to play "Rock and Roll All Night" one more time as the credits roll. This movie is not quite as bad as The Elder, but it's also not as funny. Once KISS finally shows up, things start to move along, but that first half hour is just painful. I like that KISS had no trouble casting themselves as mythic gods of the space ways and masters of kungfu. And I like that, in a movie about KISS, the soundtrack is comprised almost entirely of bad (and I mean bad) disco action music and wah-wah stuff (or as someone referred to it, "walk a chicken walk a chicken" music). Fast forward past the first third of the movie to the part where KISS actually arrives, and you have a decent, thoroughly silly movie in which rock stars in platformed boots shoot magic beams and fly and fight werewolf-monkey looking things with kungfu. KISS's acting ranges from passable (Gene) to abysmal (Paul) to utterly puzzling (why does Ace keep yelling "Awwwkkk!???"). Everyone else is pretty wooden, which is typical of television movies, and of most movies I suppose. However, most movies don't have KISS flying around in them and breathing fire. You can also catch late, great B-movie mainstay Brion James in a bit part as a guard who gets his ass handed to him by the rampaging Gene Simmons robot. Director Gordon Hessler directed all sorts of shitty TV shows in the 1970s, including episodes of CHiPs, Wonder Woman, Kolchak: the Night Stalker, and Kungfu. His best movie is definitely the spectacular Ray Harryhausen powered fantasy The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, but of course we love him most for being the director of the last of the 1980s ninja craze movies, the Sho Kosugi last hurrah Pray for Death. It's not good. But it's bad, and that's good. It's certainly a lot more fun to watch than that last KISS movie, Detroit Rock City which didn't feature any kungfu werewolf monkeys, robots, or Ace Frehley screaming, "Awwwkkk!" This is probably the best made for TV movie around, but that's not saying much, and like all TV movies of the 1970s, it has a message for us, a lesson the teach. That message is that if a mad scientists starts unleashing robot armies of the damned, just kungfu their asses back into the stone age. And fly. And yell, "STAR CHILD!!" at inopportune moments and as often as you possibly can. If you have a friend who can then shoot mind reading laser beams out his eyes that go "Pew pew pew pew," then so much the better. This is the kind of movie Yngwei Malmsteen fans would write. Frankly, I'm glad they made this instead of The Elder, but I wish they'd made The Elder instead of Detroit Rock City. Labels: Fantasy, Martial Arts: Kungfu, Rock and Roll, Year: 1978 posted by Keith at 4:18 PM | 0 Comments |
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