Friday, January 06, 2006Godzilla: Final Wars
2005, Japan. Starring Masahiro Matsuoka, Rei Kikukawa, Kazuki Kitamura, Don Frye, Akira Takarada, Kane Kosugi, Maki Mizuno, Masami Nagasawa, Chihiro Otsuka, Kumi Mizuno, Masakatsu Funaki, Masato Ibu. Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura. Written by Isao Kiriyama and Ryuhei Kitamura. Purchase from Amazon.com.
It's no exaggeration to say I grew up on Godzilla films. They are the very first movies I remember seeing, back when I was naught but a wee sprout growing up in married student housing at the University of Kentucky back in the early seventies. And Godzilla movies have maintained a constant presence in my cinematic history, whether it's been through watching the movies on Saturday afternoon television matinees, crappy EP VHS tapes from Goodtimes Video, or more recently, restored and uncut on DVD. I love pretty much everything about the Godzilla movies, even the ones that make everyone else groan. Yes, that includes both Godzilla Versus Megalon and Godzilla's Revenge. Come on! When you were a little kid, who didn't want to hang out with Minya and go to Monster Island to watch Godzilla kick some ass while listening to brassy jazz-funk orchestration? When Godzilla 1985 was released to American theaters, I rushed in to see it and, even though I was only thirteen or so at the time, realized that I'd seen my first truly atrocious movie, though I was happy to discover some years later that the film redeems itself nicely in the original Japanese cut, free of extraneous inserted scenes of Perry Mason staring at a monitor while NORAD guys show cans of Dr. Pepper to the camera. When the Godzilla franchise got itself up and lumbering again in the nineties, I was pretty happy. None of the movies were great, but most of them were entertaining, despite bad ideas like the doe-eyed baby Godzilla or the super-speed android with a receding hairline fighting future men who dress like leprechauns in a movie where they erase Godzilla's existence from history then sit around remembering how they erased Godzilla from history. OK, so time travel is always a tricky gimmick. And it's not like the bad ideas were any worse than some of the ideas from the movies in the seventies. At least they had the good sense not to put Robert Dunham in a mini-tunic and then shoot him from a low angle. When Godzilla Versus Destroyer rolled around, it seemed to me a fitting way to close the series. Some people were disappointed by the ending, but as I wrote way back when I first saw the film, it was apt in my opinion that Godzilla's final showdown not be with some big spiked monster, but with the Japanese military, the one sometimes-opponent, sometimes-ally that has been with him since the beginning. And Akira Ikufube's requiem for Godzilla was one of his best pieces of music. It was a classy, even moving end to the monster, and Toho should have left well enough alone. But leaving well enough alone isn't in the power of any movie studio, anywhere in the world, and when Toho thought enough time had passed to whet the public's appetite for a new Godzilla film, and perhaps because they didn't want the American debacle Godzilla to be the monster's last impression on the world, they trotted out Godzilla: Millennium, a serviceable enough Godzilla movie that reminds me in a lot of ways of Godzilla 1985. Godzilla: Millennium wasn't a runaway hit, but it was enough to convince Toho to resurrect the series yet again and churn out some of the worst Godzilla movies ever made, culminating in the one-two punch of Godzilla's rematch with Mechagodzilla in 2002's dreadful Godzilla X Mechagodzilla and 2003's Godzilla, Mothra, Mechagodzilla: Tokyo S.O.S., which wasn't much better. The only bright spot in Godzilla's post-millennial romp was Shinsuke Kaneko's 2001 entry into the series, Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack. Kaneko had proven himself something of a wonderchild when he took Daei Studio's ridiculous giant flying turtle Gamera and made three of the darkest, most complex and compelling giant monster films of all time. The second in his Gamera trilogy, Gamera Versus Legion, is in my opinion one of the top four or five monster films ever made. For the most part, Kaneko succeeded in bringing his magic to the beleaguered Godzilla franchise, which was plagued by bad scripts, bad movies, and a thunderous lack of any interest at all on behalf of anyone but some of us nerds in the United States. At the same time, however, Kaneko's Godzilla film suffers many of the same maladies that have plagues all of the Godzilla movies since Millennium. Chief among those is the temptation to hit the reset button on Godzilla history. Now, it's not like the series have ever been a slave to continuity, but by the time 2000 rolled around, every single film was treating itself as if it was the first sequel since the original 1954 film. And Kaneko's script introduces some of the most egregious departures from established Godzilla lore: mainly, that he was a dinosaur caught in an atom bomb explosion, mutated, and thus becomes the symbol for man's willingness to dabble with destructive powers he cannot control. Under Kaneko's tutelage, however, Godzilla was given a dippy new age origin that explained him away as the embodiment of the spirits of the war dead, then layered on all sorts of mystical nonsense that just seemed to come out of left field. Not that Godzilla films are based on hard science or anything, but they always explained the monsters and the destruction in particularly human terms: everything happened because of something awful we did. Even the more fantastical elements of the old movies, like little Mothra twins and monkey-faced spacemen, seemed grounded in some sort of twisted reality. The mystical mumbo-jumbo that crept in to the later films never appealed to me, but in the end, Kaneko's film is so enjoyable on every other level that we can simply ignore his daft re-imagining of Godzilla's origin and just enjoy the movie. Kaiju fans were hopeful that under Kaneko's guidance, the Godzilla franchise might recover. Sadly, it was not to be. Kaneko left the franchise after just one film, and Masaaki Tezuka was called in to replace him even has public interest and studio investment in further Godzilla projects plummeted to an all-time low. Tezuka's two films represent possibly the lowest point in Godzilla film history. Yep, I think they're much worse than Megalon, Gigan, and even Godzilla's Revenge. And, like most of the new movies, they embrace the idea that the movie must be based around an elite squad of Godzilla fighters wearing ridiculous-looking plastic body armor. I always hated this plot device, and hated it even more so because the human characters the film chose to focus on were just so monumentally boring and generic. Remember when Godzilla movies had human characters like the corn-eating hippy or the two gay guys raising a smiling android? Those were fun and memorable human characters. But the new films are a long way away from Akira Takarada and Kumi Mizuno, even when Kumi Mizuno and Akira Takarada appear in them. Hell, they're even a long way away from the corn-eating hippy and that psychic girl from the 1990s films. It's as if each scriptwriter is challenged to write characters more bland and uninteresting than the last, then concentrate even more time on them. And why do they all wear cheap, toy body armor made from plastic? I suppose this might look cool in a video game or in anime, but in live action, all it does is remind you how dorky things are that nerd designers think will look cool and tough. And what the hell good does it do to wear body armor, plastic or otherwise, when you're fighting Godzilla? You could charge in wearing a loin cloth and Indian headdress like Ted Nugent and get basically the same effect, but with a lot less noise coming from corny looking plastic plates clacking against one another. I don't know exactly who it was that felt the need to port Power Rangers sensibilities into the Godzilla films, but damn them to hell for what they did. Which brings us to 2004. The wheels have pretty much fallen off the cart by this point. But Toho insists on dragging Godzilla through the mud one last time. 2004 is, after all, the 50th anniversary of the original film, so Toho decides they need to mark the occasion by releasing another movie. The public, once again, couldn't care less, but the fans still scattered across the world are tentatively hopeful when Toho announces that they'll be reversing their previous mode of operation and actually upping the budget and length of the shoot for this, the final film (if you're counting, I think this makes the fourth final film). They also announced that it would incorporate foes, weapons, and homages to all of Godzilla's past films. And Ryuhei Kitamura would be directing. That last announcement is what really phased people. A final film is nothing new for Godzilla fans. He's had more final tours than The Ramones had. And homages and old foes? Also no big shock. Most of the new movies had resurrected previous foes, and some of the recent ones had even included clips from old movies like War of the Gargantuas. But Ryuhei Kitamura? In Japan, he's sort of a failure as a director, but since almost every Japanese movie is a box-office failure in Japan, you can't really hold that against him. He is, however, a solid cult icon in the United States, where his zombie-gangster black comedy Versus turned all sorts of heads, including I will admit, my own. It was a very simple film, but hugely entertaining if not a bit long for what it needed to accomplish. By the time he released the ninja fantasy Azumi, Kitamura had proven a few things. First, that he could helm a larger, more complex movie. Second, that he loved insane flying CGI kungfu stunts. And third, that he could drag any eighty-minute concept out to well over two hours by layering his script with meandering convolutions. Despite his weaknesses, I've enjoyed the Kitamura films I've seen, but he didn't seem like the right man to helm a Godzilla film. Not as daft a choice as, say, Takashi Miike, but still questionable. His knack is for outrageous kungfu action informed by anime and video games, full of stylized posing and grimacing. Would he be able to leave his taste for overblown kungfu mayhem behind and make a proper Godzilla film? Or would he turn in an absurd mix of video game nonsense and lots of people in plastic body armor striking foolish looking anime poses that, for some reason, some nerds still think looks cool? Well, it turns out that, for the most part, he turns in the latter. Godzilla: Final Wars is a complete mess of a movie, and like all the recent Godzilla films, it focuses on colossally generic human characters who are part of an elite Godzilla fighting force that wears cheap-looking toy armor and has a tendency to strike even goofier poses than their predecessors. Look, man! Anime poses just aren't cool when real people do them. They're not really even that cool when cartoon people do them, so cut it out. And like all of Kitamura's films, there's a good movie buried under mountains of nonsense and crap and flying kungfu men. The action begins in the 1960s, when the flying sub Atragon -- yes, that Atragon -- is locked in mortal combat with Godzilla in the Antarctic. Why would Godzilla be in the Antarctic? Holiday, I reckon. Atragon is unable to kill Godzilla, but they do manage to bury him under tons and tons of ice, presumably as an homage to Godzilla Raids Again, the Godzilla movie no one remembers. I suppose Godzilla could melt his way out if he really wanted to, but he seems content to let the ice imprison him and send him into a state of hibernation. Skip forward to the future. Monsters are commonplace in the world, and it's up to the crew of the latest version of Atragon to wrangle them. We meet Captain Gordon (Ultimate Fighting star Don Frye), who looks like a cross between Stacey Keach and Jesse Ventura, with one of the most majestic moustaches since Burt Reynolds and Maurizio Merli. Gordon is helming one of the latest Atragon type subs and is locked in mortal combat with good ol' Manda, the dragony, sea serpent thing we haven't seen since...when? Destroy All Monsters? Gordon defeats the beast but lands on the bad side of Earth Defense Force Commander Akiko Namikawa (Kumi Mizuno, the legendary Toho fantasy girl from the 1960s, who also appeared in 2002's Mechagodzilla as the Prime Minister) and gets him suspended. We then take a break from the monster movie so Kitamura can indulge in his addiction to ripping off kungfu scenes from The Matrix as we watch two members of M Unit, this week's super Godzilla fighting squad, fly around in a training facility and execute all sorts of ludicrous mid-air kungfu acrobatics. As tired and trite as it has become, Kitamura still loves that bullet-time "freeze the action and rotate the camera around" effect that I assumed everyone would be tired of by now. It turns out the two soldiers -- Ozaki (television actor Masahiro Matsuoka) and Kazama (Kane Kosugi, son of the legendary Sho Kosugi, and star of all sorts of goofy Japanese sentai and video game fighting movies) -- are actually mutants, but instead of mutant stuff like having a third arm or a deformed psychic twin growing out of their crotches, their mutant power is that they are really good at ripping off Matrix-style CGI fight special effects, then making insanely corny cliched speeches about the power within. M-Unit, or M-Force, or whatever it is they're called, is full of mutants, and when they aren't training in kungfu, they're using their kungfu to fight giant monsters. Yep, you may be used to things like wave after wave of tanks and MASER cannons rolling across the Japanese countryside en route to being melted by Godzilla, but these guys actually fight giant monsters toe-to-toe. Ozaki, the compassionate one, is assigned to escort a pretty molecular biologist who is examining a strange giant monster mummy that's been found, leaving Kazama, presumably, to sit in his room watching a copy of Casshern as he continues to hone his generic anime brooding and posing skills. It turns out the mummy contains traces of the same substance present in both the mutants and the monsters. The Cosmos, those little twins from the Mothra films, show up to show off their cute new pixie haircuts, and also conveniently explain that the mummy is Gigan, an alien cyborg that was defeated by Mothra some 12,000 years ago. If this is a lot of plot summary, forgive me. Kitamura makes movies that either have almost no plot at all or so much plot that it's actually like watching five movies at once, with no promise that he's ever going to bother tying any of the plots in with each other. So please bear with me, and I promise that eventually this movie will have Godzilla in it again. The Cosmos Greek Chorus is interrupted by the sudden appearance of ornery monsters all over the world. Rodan appears in New York in a merciful bid to end the worst "crazy jive-ass pimp versus a cop" scene ever filmed. Other monsters appear elsewhere around the world, including Kumonga, Spiga the spider, Anguiras, and even fluffy ol' King Caesar. Oh, come on! No Gabera? Tokyo, by all accounts, gets off pretty lightly as it is set upon by Ebirah, the giant shrimp from Godzilla Vs. the Sea Monster. If you have to get attacked by a monster, that's a pretty easy one. And delicious. The M Organization mutants make quick work of Ebirah in one of the film's better moments, but all this does is lead into the appearance of a giant spaceship. Yes, we're once again meeting the Xians from Planet X, though this time they have left behind their curly-toed elf boots and new wave sunglasses and opted for the fruity tight black leather overcoats favored by anyone who ever set out to imitate The Matrix. You know, The Matrix really wasn't that good a movie, so I don't know why every sci-fi guy has to dress up like the characters from The Matrix. Have you ever really tried to fight while wearing a skintight leather catsuit and overcoat? There's a reason that after thousands of years of military uniform evolution, we've never adopted the skintight black catsuit and overcoat. Mobsters don't even where that shit, despite their flare for the theatrical. They prefer the flexibility and easy washing care of a track suit. Anyway, the new Xians all look like they just stumbled out of some cheap Hollywood film about vampires hanging out in an industrial-goth club, and of course they all have flamboyant anime hair. Doesn't anyone in the military, human or Xian, have to shave their heads anymore? When did ten gallons of styling putty and three hours of primping time become standard for the military of any planet? Riding shotgun with the Xians is the Prime Minister (Toho fantasy and monster movie veteran Akira Takarada, showing none of the charisma we all know he possesses), who announces that these aliens have come to our planet to rid it of evil monsters, cure disease, and presumably, release a series of grating Marilyn Manson-style industrial albums. Now, we all know that secretly they are controlling the monsters and intend to kill us, because that's what people from Planet X always do. It turns out that the M-Factor (since X-Factor was previous taken) that makes mutants into mutants also allows the Xians to control them, so before too long they're puppeteering the whole of M Organization except for the noble-hearted Ozaki. Ozaki and his sexy biologist friend team up with some others who know the truth and realize that the only man in the world with moustache enough to sock it to the Xians is Captain Gordon. As the Xians unleash all the monsters in a bid to completely destroy human society, Gordon goes searching for the only weapon powerful enough to defeat monsters and the aliens who control them: Godzilla. Remember him? You may have forgotten about him amid all of Kitamura's CGI kungfu antics and posing aliens and people who can't shoot a gun without flipping around twenty times, then crossing their arms and holding the guns behind their backs or something. Jesus, just fire the damn gun and get it over with. This is worse than in Ballistic Kiss when other hitmen would stand around for ten minutes and watch Donnie Yen's hitman character dance about and pretend to be conducting an orchestra with his guns before shooting everyone. When you have a gun, despite what some movies think, it's not cool looking to twirl about and strike poses, then shoot it only when you've assumed the least advisable posture for firing a gun. And for the love of God, holding them sideways was bad enough. Holding them sideways and then crossing your arms at the wrists while you shoot is absolutely preposterous. Unfortunately, this is where Kitamura's interest lies. The inclusion of giant monsters is almost a contractual afterthought. Hired to make a Godzilla film, he made a loud, shallow, unoriginal kungfu space movie, then inserted shots of Godzilla and other monsters from time to time. Anyway, this is getting really long-winded, so let me summarize, now that Godzilla is back in the picture: Godzilla rampages through one monster after the other until he and Mothra end up facing off against Gigan and King Ghidorah while Captain Gordon, his moustache, Ozaki (who emerges in another Matrix rip-off as some sort of chosen one), and a few other people duke it out with the Xians on board the spaceship. The unbridled monster carnage as Godzilla tackles one foe after another is the highlight of the film and, ultimately, why we are here. The endless CGI Matrix kungfu battles between Ozaki and the Xians where no one seems to get hurt or fight with any sort of point in mind are considerably less welcome. Oh yeah, through it all, some hunter and his grandson travel around with Minya/Minilla, the pot-bellied progeny of Godzilla. They have almost nothing to do other than show up and comment on the fact that, yes, things are being destroyed. There's also a red herring plot about the wandering star Gorath, and plenty of other stuff thrown in, but if I was to go into detail about every irrelevant or nonsensical point Kitamura lobs into the mix, we'd be here all month. Minilla figures into the final moments of the film, but exactly why and what relation it has to Godzilla is completely unexplained. I guess Kitamura assumes anyone still watching Godzilla movies at this point already knows who Minilla is, so there's no need to explain things when you could just film him driving around in a pick-up truck. The score is easily the worst of any Godzilla film. Tapping none other than prog-rock synth addict Keith Emerson to provide much of the score, Kitamura relies primarily on the ultra-generic techno-dance crap that he's used in so many other films. That and pointless, outdated bullet-time shots tie this movie in a lot closer to House of the Dead than I would ever want to admit. When we're not assaulted with lame video game techno fight themes, Emerson sounds like he worked out the entire synth score in under five minutes on a Casio keyboard he found in thr trash outside of Radio Shack. It's thin, uninspired, and lacks any of the power of the old Ikufube scores. Thanks to Kitamura for using the old Ikufube fight anthem, but the rest of the techno dance garbage was just wretched. So what are we left with? Well, for starter's Godzilla's bloated swansong was a bomb at the box office. Kitamura was charged with resurrecting a dead franchise, and given that and the fact that almost all domestic Japanese films not prefaced by the credit "A Hayo Miyazaki Film" bomb at the Japanese box office, it was a suicide mission from the outset. Kitamura's name is enough to excite U.S. fans, but that's about it. Most of this review has concentrated on what's wrong with the film, so let me take a break and address the things it does right. Well, sort of. First, the special effects are heads above anything we've seen in any of the other recent Godzilla films. Kitamura piles on so much CGI that making it realistic isn't even the point. He goes for escapist fantasy a la most of the big sci-fi films these days, and after the experience of Casshern, Japanese effects houses seem to be up to speed. The monster action is great, and the designs are all good. Rather than redesigning most of the monsters, Kitamura sticks to the more classic designs. And when he does do a redesign, as with Ghidorah, it's subtle and effective. Godzilla's march through the legions of monsters is also some of the best no-holds-barred monster wrestling we've had since Destroy All Monsters, the movie which seems very much to be the template for this one. The scenes of global devastation are some of the most effective scenes a Godzilla movie has pulled off since the original. On the flipside, however, Kitamura's complete lack of restraint means he blows through each monster battle too quickly -- sometimes in seconds, so no single battle every stands out. Ultimately, it plays like a series of clips advertising longer monster fights somewhere else. Kitamura could have cut twenty minutes of awful Matrix kungfu and replaced that with longer monster clashes that actually develop a story and character, and this would have been an infinitely better movie. He obviously has no real interest in making a Godzilla film. As I wrote earlier, the kungfu spaceman antics are where his interest lies. As such, not a single one of the monsters is given any sort of personality. They are just props, and although watchign Godzilla tear through them is fun, it also has no meaning whatsoever. As Godzilla's final war, there should have been more emotion invested in the monsters, or at least in Godzilla. Instead, they're treated much the same was as any other prop, and it seems Kitamura can't wait to hustle them off screen so he can trot out his next Matrix imitation fight scene. I know some people try to pass this slavish imitation off as "clever parody," but if it's parody, it fails, and parody or not, that doesn't make it any more interesting to watch. If Kitamura wants to poke fun at sci-fi film conventions as he goes, that's A-OK. He should just make sure that what he's doing will be interesting, and he needs to understand that WE GOT IT THE FIRST TIME. If this is parody, he delivers it with of the subtlety of Mr. T wielding a sledge hammer in a crystal shop. Where as many of the previous Godzilla films have seemed little more than substandard kiddie films, Kitamura, it appears, set out to make the world's nerdiest Godzilla film. That is to say, he's making a film specifically for Japanese sci-fi film nerds, and American fans of Japanese sci-fi at that. He knows that trotting out Atragon, or a cameo by Hedorah, is going to get all us pathetic nerds excited, and he's right. It is fun. This isn't really a bad thing, but he can never make up his mind what sort of film he wants to make. Monster intrigue is continuously undercut by his need to showcase bullet-time infested fight scenes that have nothing to do with anything, and he'll follow an intense and well-planed moment with something like having a wacky pimp's hat fly off with old radio show "fooop!" sound effects when Rodan flies by. As is often the case since Kitamura move don from the lean, quasi-plotless forest of Versus into actual storytelling, he can't settle on a single story to tell, and so crams four or five of them into a single movie, to the detriment of all the stories involved. The good things here, in a standard 90-minute movie, would tip the scales in Final Wars favor, but Kitamura is physically incapable of making a movie under two hours, and while I generally like long movies, most of what pads out Final Wars is just needless bloat. Extended computer-assisted fight scenes and motorcycle chases, not to mention a solid thirty minutes or so devoted entirely to characters striking inane anime and Power Ranger poses, puff up the film's running time without ever adding anything of value. The acting is as bland as the characters. Even old pros like Kumi and Akira can't do much with the tissue-thin characters with whom the film chooses to spend so much time. Kane Kosugi does nothing but brood and mumble, which seems to be what nerdy film writers think passes for cool and intense. At the same time, in his defense, goofy padded plots are nothing new to Godzilla films. Nor is having Godzilla MIA for much of the film. But the human characters in the older films always carried their end of the plot, at least for me, and became characters you could remember and even care about, however ham-fisted they may have been. The new films, Final Wars included, seem to work on a cockeyed equation that demands that the thinner, more generic, and duller the characters, the more time we must spend in their company. I really don't mind the human aspect of a Godzilla film when that human aspect is engaging or includes boat theft and all-night go-go dancing contests, but Final Wars just has nothing to offer us in terms of characters, then offers it to us in abundance anyway. The only exception is Don Frye, and I'm not just saying that because his moustache is as thick and mysterious as the African interior circa 1850. Frye isn't really a good actor. Most of the time, he delivers his lines like he just woke up and stuffed a mouthful of Skoal into his cheek. But it works for his character, he looks cool, and something about him is likeable and charismatic, and that makes his turn as the gruff, tough, but lovable Captain Gordon the only convincing acting job in the whole film. There hasn't been a decent white dude in a Godzilla film since Nick Adams called Kumi Mizuno "baby," but Frye won me over. For me, even a bad Godzilla film is better than most good films, and while I do consider Final Wars to be a pretty bad film, it's a hell of a lot better than those last two Mechagodzilla films. I really didn't like it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that, as time wears on, I'll grow fonder of the mess and hold it in the same regard I hold some of those films from the 1970s. It's just going to take a while for me to get over my initial distaste at just how incredibly goofy all the posing and flipping is. When you can manage to make something seem goofy in the midst of a movie where a radiated dinosaur is punching a walking blob of pollution in the face while two pixies ride around on a giant moth, then that's really an accomplishment. This spastic movie is as much a disaster as the carnage left behind by Godzilla, but there's still something in it that keeps me from thoughtlessly tossing it on the trash heap alongside other recent, bloated Japanese sci-fi films full of posing guys and people in dorky costumes that are supposed to be cool but just come across as soulless chores (Casshern, I'm looking in your direction -- if I can ever manage to finish you, that is). Ryuhei Kitamura knew people weren't interested in the stock Godzilla formula. So he attempted to recast the Godzilla film against a backdrop of the hyperactive and over-stylized kungfu action he loves so much. It didn't work for me, but I appreciate his effort to meld the old with something new (not that stealing Matrix fight scenes is anything new at this point, but you know what I mean). What this movie really lacks in any sense of heart or charm. It's just big and loud, with no real purpose, and nothing of the endearing air of the older movies despite trotting out every monster it could think of. Kitamura mistakes fanboy in-jokes and self-referential nostalgia dropping as something clever. Ultimately, in a desperate rush to trot out guys in leather Cenobite wear, Kitamura and Toho completely dismissed one of the most important defining aspects of Godzilla movies, and of all the fantasy films Toho made: there is no cornball message. No, "Now you have learned the errors of your ways" or warning about pollution or the dangers of kidnapping tiny twins who control a giant vengeful moth. There can't be a cornball message, because Final Wars ultimately has nothing to say and has no point. It's all posing and flashy editing. So maybe that's the stern warning about the future: this movie teache sus the dangers of what happens when people start making movies with less plot and cohesive narrative than video games. Kitamura needs someone to keep him on a leash and tell him when something is a bad idea, because stripped of all the juvenile Power Rangers kungfu poses and CGI fight scenes, there's a good Godzilla film in here somewhere, and he ruined it. Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 2005 posted by Keith at 1:57 PM | 7 Comments Wednesday, July 03, 2002Godzilla vs. Megaguiras
2000, Japan. Starring Misato Tanaka, Shosuke Tanihara, Masato Ibu, Yuriko Hoshi, Toshiyuki Nagashima, Tsutomu Kitagawa, Minoru Watanabe. Directed by Masaki Tezuka. Available on DVD (HKFlix).
Godzilla has been through a rough couple years. After dying in Godzilla vs. Destroyer, the Big G was then shanghaied and brought over to America for a starring role in one of the most abysmal movies of the 1990s, Tri-Star's horrendous Godzilla. At the same time, the monster's popularity in Japan plummeted. Where there had once been oceans of Godzilla merchandise there was now only a tiny puddle of left-overs. Undeterred, and determined to rehabilitate Godzilla's image after the Tri-Star debacle, Toho seized up the reigns once more of their most successful franchise and delivered Godzilla 2000. Unfortunately, Godzilla's triumphant return to its Japanese roots was a middling affair hampered by bland human characters, an even blander monster foe, and a dwindling budget. While not necessarily a bad film (I actually think it's pretty darn good), it was not the type of thing that could compete with the likes of the recent Gamera series, which set the bar exceptionally high for special effects, story, and characters - and did it for less money. Toho, it seemed, was becoming a cranky old man, at times downright hostile to those who would otherwise be supporting them. While Daei Studios rushed to release all the Gamera films both new and old onto DVD, Toho played the stubborn Luddite and refused to put much faith in the new medium, allowing scarcely a trickle of Godzilla's back catalog to get the digital treatment. Fans both in Japan and overseas - a population Toho has never given a damn about in the first place - were even further alienated from the proprietors of their beloved atomic powered behemoth. When 2001 rolled around, Toho rolled out another Godzilla film, Godzilla vs. Megaguiras. The budget was still small, and Toho still seemed to regard their once-mighty franchise with more contempt than support, but even a bad Japanese Godzilla film is still a better time at the movies than a good Meg Ryan romantic comedy or any of those movies where a sincere outsider teaches us the beauty of the human soul while lots of people "smile through their tears" as that emotional "revelation" type orchestration plays. You know the movies I'm talking about. Godzilla vs. Megaguiras is, in many ways, a return to the wacky spirit of the 1970s Godzilla films. After the relatively dark and somber-colored Godzilla 2000, Godzilla vs. Megaguiras goes for a more vibrant and rich approach, resulting in the revitalization of that comic book feel that permeated so many of Godzilla's adventures a couple decades ago. While certain key aspects are lacking - specifically the cool human characters and the funky action music - it's still another step back in the direction of entertaining audiences. But it ain't all wine and roses. Toho has become addicted to stories that immediately establish that none of the other movies ever happened, and this is an entirely new timeline. That's okay once, but they're pressing the reset button after every film now, and that smacks of desperation. For you wrestling fans out there, think of how many times WCW did the exact same thing, ushered in "a brand new era," in the year leading up to them just going belly up. It betrays the lack of faith Toho has in their own films, not to mention the ability of their script writers to pay attention to continuity - at least as much as Godzilla films have ever worried about such things. It's like saying all the previous films were so lackluster, or that the current writers are so unimaginative, that the best thing to do is ignore history completely. Why even bother then? It's not like Godzilla fans are Star Trek fans, people who will boycott an entire series because a character says an alien race came from Delos VII when it was stated twenty-two years earlier in some Trek novel that these aliens came from Delos V. As long as there are some tenuous links, we're happy. In the timeline of this Godzilla series, which is apparently going to last one movie and probably be reset again, Godzilla has attacked only a handful of times. There was the first time back in the 1950s - depicted in black and white recreations of scenes from the original movie, but featuring the new monster design. Then there were a couple other attacks that resulted in the capitol of Japan being moved from Tokyo to Osaka. It might be a good idea to move your capitol inland, especially when said capitols have a tendency to get soundly trounced by a giant monster who lives just off the coast of your nation. At least make him hike a little rather than simply being ale to swim right up and blast things with no real effort. Godzilla's history is recounted through us via one of those newsreel type things that went out of fashion round about the end of World War II, but apparently in this alternate reality, Japan still loves them. There is some cool recreation of a couple famous scenes from the original Godzilla so that we can see familiar destruction with the new monster design. Each of Godzilla's attacks have come at key moments in the development of the Japanese energy policy. He shows up to smash nuclear power plants, so those are banned in favor of plasma generators. When those too attract Godzilla's attention, they are banned as well, so I guess Japan then converts entirely to a power system based on hamsters running on treadmills. The movie proper opens during Godzilla's final attack on some plasma generators before they are banned, and we meet a group of very stupid special-forces operatives who attempt to combat Godzilla with the use of bazookas. Missiles and tanks leave nary a scratch on the beast, but these guys are going after him with handheld rocket launchers. What's next? Pistols at twenty paces? Stepping into his path and doing that thing where you flip open and shut your butterfly knife to show what a bad-ass you are? Well, the team calls themselves the "G-Graspers," so we have to assume their initial plan was to simply walk out and grasp Godzilla as a way of defeating him. You know, grab it by the shoulder and sternly admonish the monster with a "Look what you did!" Could be worse, I suppose. At least they're not the G-Gropers or the G-Goosers. Not especially amused with the antics of the ground forces, Godzilla simply squashes most of them, leaving only one survivor, a young woman named Kiriko. Naturally, she swears revenge on Godzilla for killing all her comrades, but stops short of shaking her fist at the monster. At least it gives Kiriko some sense of motivation. Godzilla 2000 had that businessman looking scientist determined to kill Godzilla, but he had no real back story, no motivation to give some sense of depth to his character. Kiriko's story may be cliché, but at least it's there. Skip ahead a few years, and just when Japan thinks they have everything solved and are on a clean energy source that Godzilla won't feel the need to come push over, their old nemesis shows up yet again. After enlisting the aid of the standard-issue scruffy young computer genius, the G-Grasper team devises a plan that is as idiotic as just about every other plan devised to kill Godzilla. They have developed a weapon that actually shoots man-made black holes! Hit Godzilla with one of those suckers, and even it won't be able to escape the gravitational pull. Once Godzilla is sucked in, the black hole will dissipate, leaving only a very large portion of land completely charred and ruined. The black hole idea sounds pretty daft at first, but weirdly enough there are scientists (up at MIT I believe) working on this very idea. Well, on manmade black holes; not necessarily a gun to shoot them at large monsters. The team tests their new weapon -- one that could potentially rupture the entire fabric of space-time and send the whole solar system plunging into oblivion - about a hundred yards from a heavily populated area. Frankly, as an inhabitant of Earth, I'm not so wild about the Japanese shooting black holes around just to kill Godzilla. I'm not wild about a bunch of crackpots up at MIT doing it either. It seems the sort of thing that could go horribly wrong and destroy the entire world. It would be nice if they consulted with other countries first, or maybe thought up a different plan, like using bigger missiles than those piddly little things they usually lob at Godzilla. You know, something smaller than an atom bomb but larger than those skinny little frog stickers launched by two F-14 fighters. Why not try, I don't know, fifty fighters and a few bombers dropping those 5,000 pound bunker busters? I mean, I don't go out and attempt to solve every little problem I have by creating black holes and jeopardizing the very structure of existence. I'm just saying maybe they should try something a little more conventional before they go shooting black holes at everything. With the potential to destroy the entire solar system in their hands, I guess it really doesn't matter that the G-Graspers decide to test the weapon scant yards from a suburb, with little more than a unkempt hedge as a security perimeter. On top of that, they apparently decide the best target is a school building, which it seems is still in use since we soon meet a young lad walking to the school to return a bug collection he borrowed. You'd think they would do this sort of thing on an island or something away from the people. Everyone's probably going to be pissed that not only did the G-Graspers test a potentially catastrophic weapon in the middle of a heavily populated area, they also sucked the local school into the nether regions of reality. As is par for the course in most Japanese monster films, the little kid manages to breach the tight security of the test site, foiling the whole two or three guards scattered throughout what must be several miles of woods. After they shoot off their little gun and he sees it, Kiriko catches him and makes him promise not to tell anyone he's just seen the government shooting black holes into the local school. Man alive, I thought American security at our nuclear research centers was bad! The kid witnesses one of the most top-secret super-ultra tests ever to be performed a hundred yards from a heavily populated suburb, and when he's caught they make him promise not to tell? Boy howdy, did Wen-ho Lee ever get the shaft! The test goes remarkably well despite having been infiltrated by a pre-teen, up until the distortions in space-time start happening. Even that isn't of great concern to them, but when a small dragonfly darts into the field of distortion, things start to get complicated. The bug begins to mutate and multiply. Why? Because it's a Godzilla film. It also starts to get really big. Meanwhile, a shady scientist has secretly been storing some plasma energy, you know, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case Godzilla detects it? That better be the case, because that's exactly what happens. You can't hide Scooby Snacks from Shaggy, and you can't hide volatile sources of energy from Godzilla. You might not be able to hide Scooby Snacks from Godzilla, either, but I've never seen anything on screen to confirm or deny it, so let's just leave it in the realm of potential fan fiction ideas. While the G-Graspers rush to get their weapon launched into space so it can target Godzilla, Tokyo finds itself under attack from the swarm of mutant bugs, who are laying eggs in the sewer system and causing the vibrant youth-oriented neighborhood of Shibuya to flood. They're also sucking precious bodily fluids out of people, but that's hardly as big a problem as ruining the Tower Records and chasing away all those looney club kids making the scene. Upset by the flooding of the vibrant entertainment and consumer district, yet no doubt happy about all the soaking wet kogals running into their waiting arms, the Japanese military immediately deploys a crack team of uniformed operatives to tool about in little rubber dinghies. No one seems all that surprised to find out that it's that damn kid's fault for bringing an egg with him from the countryside when he and his mom moved to Tokyo, then just going and dumping it in the sewer. Despite the fact that this kid has actually caused as much damage to Tokyo as Godzilla, everyone seems happy to just pat him on the head and go, "Get on outta here, ya little scamp!" as if flooding Tokyo and causing billions of dollars of damage was about as serious as the time Spanky was trying to scare Buckwheat and accidentally freed a gorilla from the local zoo. This kid really needs to be chased by those monkey-faced space agents from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. The first chance to use the black hole gun, or Dimension Tide as they call it, comes when Godzilla wanders up onto the beach of a sparsely populated island. Unfortunately, the bugs show up as well, fouling up the targeting computer and generally annoying the hell out of Godzilla as they poke him with their stinger and suck energy out of his body. Dimension Tide fails to hit its mark, and eventually Godzilla just heads back into the water. Luckily, they can track him since, in one of the movie's cooler scenes, Kiriko actually scales his back while they are in the ocean and plants a tracking device on him. Unfortunately, Godzilla decides a more populated area would be fun to visit, and you don't really need a tracking device to tell you when Godzilla has entered Tokyo. As you would expect, a big bug shows up, the Megaguiras, and has to fight with Godzilla. Godzilla wants that plasma energy, and Megaguiras wants that Godzilla energy. Well, whatever, so long as it gets our pals together for a couple big battles while the G-Graspers ho and hum and try to target their little black hole gun. You should pretty much know the drill from here on out. All in all, Godzilla vs. Megaguiras is a fun film, certainly a more interesting adventure than the previous Godzilla 2000. I compared it to the films of the 1970s, which of course would make some people groan. I, on the other hand, always loved how full of action, hijinks, and color they were. This movie is a return to that sort of action-adventure spirit. Godzilla is still a menace, but at the same time it's given more of a character than it has shown in most of the more recent films. It even breaks out the classic "Godzilla move that makes you groan with laughter" tradition when Godzilla delivers a flying body press to Megaguiras. There's a lot of monster wrestling in here, just like the good ol' days. The 1990s "heisei" series relied far too much on "beam weapon" warfare, resulting in Godzilla and his foe standing at opposite ends of the screen shooting pretty lights at each other. This time around, we get down and dirty with some solid, old school grappling, and that's a big plus in my book. Also a big plus is the latest Godzilla design. He looks boss, not to mention bad-ass. Very ferocious-looking. Now if we can just avoid the seemingly inevitable urge on Toho's part to inject a cutesy super-deformed baby Godzilla into later films. While Godzilla may look sharper than ever, the same can't be said for Megaguiras. On the surface, there's nothing overly wrong with the monster design. It's okay looking, based loosely on the Megaguiron from the original Rodan. But it lacks any real character, as all big monsters tend to. Megaguiras is an improvement over Orga from Godzilla 2000, but there's still no real depth to the monster that makes it memorable. I keep hoping for a new Ghidrah (instead of them just always falling back on Ghidrah when all else fails - he's the Borg of the Godzilla universe), or even a new Gigan, but all I get is a bunch of Gimantises and Spigas. Adding to Megaguiras' lack of any real appeal is the fact that after all these years, Toho is no better in 2001 than they were in the 1960s at making a believable flying monster. Sure, they're okay when they are gliding or just lounging about, but the minute those huge wings start shakily flapping at a rate of about one flap every thirty seconds, things start to look silly, even for a Godzilla film. Megaguiras is actually a couple steps back in this regard, and there are several times when he just seems to be hanging there, motionless in the air, not moving his wings even a lick. It's just lazy looking. I know it's a giant dragonfly, and dragonflies can hover like the dickens, but in doing so they flap their wings about a hundred thousand times a second (don't quote me on that). Megaguiras goes for the more laid back "a couple times every few minutes" approach to hovering. Confounding this is the fact that from time to time, they throw in some computer animation to give Megaguiras super-fast and realistically beating wings. This is his special attack, allowing him to dart to and fro just like a tinier dragonfly, but it looks great, reflects nature, and should have been the rule rather than the exception. I guess a taste of an advance in Toho flying technology is better than nothing at all, but a boy can dream, can't he? The worst part is how Megaguiras can somehow fly right and left without moving his wings at all, topped only by the scene where Godzilla catches Megaguiras' tail, thus causing the big bug to completely freeze in mid-air. Maybe shooting all those black holes around did more damage to the local gravity than people thought. Speaking of computer animation, like Godzilla 2000, this movie relies on it heavily, at least relative to Godzilla films. The CGI in Godzilla 2000 was pretty bad, especially in the case of the UFO and a few other key parts. Toho may not be ILM yet, but they certainly learned something between films. For the most part, the CGI on display avoids being embarrassing. There are a few weak moments, specifically some very slow-moving and video game looking fighter jets. One of the great mysteries of the world is why people would develop multi-processor supercomputers and $10,000 a user software packages, then devote days upon days of time for some computer programmer to painstakingly render in CGI a series of effects that are nearly as believable as what Eiji Tsubaraya did with models back in the 1960s. There's also a weird slo-mo effect that looks like that "step by step" sort of slo-mo you get on consumer VCRs rather than actual slow motion. Other than a few weak spots, though, the CGI is pulled off well, which is fitting for a movie that, other than a few weak spots, is itself pulled off pretty well. Sure there is an annoying kid, but he's not that annoying - unless you happen to work in the Akihabara district, that is. The other characters are bland but inoffensive. Kiriko at least has some character, but everyone else is pretty much there to fulfill a stereotype. The sloppy young computer genius. The dastardly old scientist. The benevolent old scientist. The nameless military guy who barks orders into a walkie-talkie for the entire film - you know the cast. I really hope that future Godzilla films continue to rediscover the influences of the previous films and give us some cool characters. Not since the 1970s have we had any human characters worth talking about. There have been no Nick Adamses or Akira Takarada's. There hasn't even been anyone to match the ambiguously gay suaveness of those two guys from Godzilla vs. Megalon or the hippy, karate girl,a nd cartoonish from Godzilla vs. Gigan. There certainly haven't been any Robert Dunhams or Kumi Mizunos. We've had a fairly bland parade of pretty but uninteresting human characters who neither add nor detract from the film around them, which is a shame. Sure, there was Miki the psychic girl in all the "heisei" films, but she wasn't really interesting. She was just driven into our memory through repetition. I'd like to see subsequent films give us a cool cast again. Okay, so we did have that M-11 android in Godzilla vs. King Ghidrah. Plotwise, it's business as usual and slightly less so. Toho definitely has the scriptwriters on cruise control here. Characters are, as I said, flat, and there's no real underlying message here other than the usual Godzilla fare of "don't ruin the planet," which is a given. At least the characters this time around are given some sort of motivation, lifting them beyond the characters from the last film, but there's still not a whole lot going on in the plot department -- not that this is a bad thing. Not every movie can be as multi-layered as Citizen Kane or as complex and plot-heavy as, say, Girls Gone Wild: Sexy Sorority Sweethearts, and while Godzilla vs. Megaguiras takes a very straight-forward approach to its somewhat idiotic plot, it is at least well-paced. The final scorecard sees Godzilla vs. Megaguiras skewed ever so slightly toward the positive side, however. It's not a work of art, but it's a monster fest that delivers with gusto and spirit that help elevate it above the obvious and voluminous short-comings in budget, plot, and acting. Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 2000 posted by Keith at 4:49 PM | 0 Comments Thursday, January 17, 2002Godzilla's Revenge
1969, Japan. Starring Kenji Sahara, Machiko Naka, Tomonori Yazaki, Eisei Amamoto, Sachio Sakai, Kazuo Suzuki, Ikio Sawamura, Shigeki Ishida, Yutaka Sada, Chotaro Togin, Yutaka Nakayama, Yoshifumi Tajima, Little Man Machan, Haruo Nakajima, Hiroshi Sekita, Midori Uchiyama. Directed by Inoshiro Honda. Buy it from Amazon
In the end of the film Seven, Morgan Freeman utters the line "Ernest Hemingway said, 'The world is a beautiful place and worth fighting for.' I believe in the second part," or something like that. I haven't seen the movie in a long time. Anyway, whatever the exact words may be, I feel the same way about Godzilla's Revenge, easily the most hated and misunderstood of all Godzilla films. Before I get into my analysis of exactly why it is so many people hate this film with a passion generally best directed toward loving Suzanna Hoffs, and why the people who hate this film simply, in the words of Vince McMahon, "don't get it," we should set up some sort of context both historical and personal, because baby you know that, much like Herman Melville, I do love me some digressin'. I am breaking little new ground when I point out that the original 1954 film Godzilla was a serious sci-fi horror film that is taken seriously by serious critics (seriously!), even the more annoying ones who usually refuse to give genre films the time of day. Few people would argue that it was a cinematic milestone, that it was to the crossover scifi/horror film what Citizen Kane was to movies about grumpy newspaper moguls and what Pee-wee's Big Adventure was to the road trip film. Whatever the franchise may have become, Godzilla's contribution to film history was as big as the monster itself, and not even Michael Medved will argue that one. Or maybe he will. I don't really know him personally, so I can't account for him. Any movie that big will get a sequel, whether it wants or needs one or not. Or so it was back then. A movie had to be a success before it could get a sequel. I don't know what has gone wrong these days that allows there to be theatrically released sequels to movies like The Flintstones and Problem Child, but then again, who am I to second guess the business strategy of Satan? Anyway, they made the sequel and it was pretty forgettable, but by the third film, they struck franchise gold and the Godzilla industry was born, along with thousands of American tourists going to Japan and shouting "Oh no! Is Godzilla!" and thinking they are the first ones to think of doing that. What will you cards think of next!?! Over the years, Godzilla underwent a series of evolutionary steps, most of them fostered by either ideological trends or, more realistically, the desire to make even more money off the monster. The long and winding road eventually transformed him from menacing destructive force to toe-tappin', jig-dancin' superhero good guy. To put it in terms comic book readers can understand, he went from the dark spooky Batman to the Adam West Batman. Curiously enough, I always liked the Adam West Batman, just as I always liked the goofball heroic Godzilla. I could just imagine Godzilla turning to his trusty boy wonder of a sidekick, Angilas, and calling him "Old chum." Like many children of the 1970s, I grew up watching dubbed imports of Godzilla's many adventures, though unlike many children of the 1970s, I never grew out of the films, just like I never grew out of toys or messy sticky-up hair. My love for Godzilla, and my understanding of the movies, only grew as I tacked on year after year. And when I was but a wee sprout toiling in the fields, I found myself most attracted to a little gem called Godzilla's Revenge. I absolutely loved the film. I mean, here was a movie that showed me if a kid is psychotic enough, he can travel to Monster Island, hang with monsters, and defeat criminals. Here was a movie that taught me the valuable lesson about dealing with your problems by resorting immediately to physical violence. During recess in school, we'd all run out to the playground and decide whether or not we were going to play Star Wars or Godzilla. When it was Star Wars, I was Chewbacca, albeit it a rather short version and without so much hair, the cool Sergio Leone bandoleer, and the laser crossbow (what was up with that thing anyway?). If we played Godzilla, I wanted to be Minya. Yes, Minya. Godzilla's chubby proto-Cartman of an adopted son. Minya, the most despised of all Godzilla monsters ever. I remember running around pretending to blow atomic smoke rings, then insisting that my friend who was pretending to be Gabera let me beat them up so we could accurately recreate scenes from the movie. I remember lining up Shogun Warriors and knocking them down, gleefully ignorant of how valuable they would eventually become. In this lies the greatest power of Godzilla's Revenge, as well as the thing people most often just don't get about it and Minya. It's a movie for children, with a character for children. I've said it before, but it bears saying again: nothing annoys me more than twenty-five year old scifi nerds complaining about how goofy and childish Godzilla's Revenge is. Well, no shit, Spock, it's a goddamned children's movie. What the hell did you expect? It's like this annoying wannabe gangster rap guy who has this shitty show on Manhattan public access cable where he reviews video games and steals wrestling news from various websites and passes it off as his own stuff. I remember watching one episode (don't ask why) where he was playing "Yoshi's Revenge" or some game like that and complaining about how childish it was and how it wasn't a good game for extreme gamers like himself. What the hell do you want from a child's game? I don't really know what these people's problem is, and I'm no armchair psychologist so I'd rather not speculate, but it seems to all boil down to a desperate need to have one's childish interests and hobbies justified as serious adult pursuits. Thus things like the "comics aren't just for kids" campaign, or the demand that movies about a giant lizard knocking over major metropolitan areas be darker and more adult oriented. Well you know what? Godzilla movies are childish. Reading comic books is childish. Being a grown man who dresses up as Sailor Moon is both childish and disturbing, but you know what? That doesn't make any of these things wrong or unenjoyable. Face it -- adult stuff sucks. Adult stuff is paying taxes and watching Ally McBeal. Adult stuff is trying to get a mortgage, listening to adult contemporary music, and going to see Italian films that don't star Steeve Reeves. Childish stuff is listening to snotty punk rock, reading comics, talking about Star Trek, going to goofy conventions, wearing costumes, playing with dolls, and being open to learning new things. Being childish does not mean being irresponsible, but it sure beats being mature. Being childish is stealing a sneak peek at porn, hiding a copy Penthouse inside a copy of Dragon magazine so you can look at it in the Waldenbooks mall store. Yeah, you can laugh, but you all did it too. Being childish is loving what you love without shame, no matter how society may frown upon or disapprove of your passion. Being childish is going through life wide-eyed and amazed, unhindered by societal hang-ups about how one race shouldn't get along with another, one age group shouldn't like the same things as another. As an adult, I look at people around me and, despite my rather open-minded, liberal view of all things social, I still see blacks, whites, Asians, whatever. I still see men, women, gays, lesbians, heteros. I don't discriminate or disapprove, but I still see categories far more often than I see people. As a child, I remember growing up watching Ultraman and Godzilla films, playing with Shogun Warriors and pretending I was Jason in Battle of the Planets. At the time, I didn't buy Japanese toys; I bought toys. I didn't watch Japanese movies; I just watched movies. I didn't have friends who were Japanese, Chinese, white, black, Mexican, boy or girl; I just had friends. Never once did it occur to me that I should not relate to these people because they were different from me, because not once did it occur to me that these people were all that different. Sure, we ate different things, were different colors, but what did that really matter? We liked a lot of the same things and had fun together. It wasn't until I began my journey to adulthood that I was taught lessons about alienating others because of their race, culture, gender, what have you. It wasn't until later that I was told I couldn't possibly relate to Ultraman, because those were Japanese actors and not Caucasian ones. It wasn't until adulthood that passion about learning, about having fun, and about doing things that made me happy became taboo and shameful. Being childish is a wonderful thing, something adults don't do enough of except for the part about whining and crying about not getting your way. For some reason, everyone seems happy to maintain that aspect of childishness in their adult life, but they leave behind, and even scoff at the wonder, curiosity, and willingness to experiment and learn. I have no reservations about being childish. If I'm drenched in a sudden downpour, oh well. Might as well splash around in the puddles and run wild. If I see a grassy hill, I might as well roll down it. If I see a toy I like, or a movie that amuses me, I might as well not cover that up under some repressive delusion of being "mature" or sophisticated. If I'm alive, I might as well try to enjoy as much of it as I can. And this spirit of being childish, this beautiful immaturity that allows us to shed the chrysalis of mundane adulthood in which we must cocoon ourselves so much of the time, is the energy which keeps me supporting the so often maligned Godzilla's Revenge. Even if I am old enough now, whatever that means, to see how shoddy the film is, even if I recognize all the stock photography and entire scenes lifted wholesale out of other Godzilla movies to pad out the running time, even if I see how bad it all is through adult eyes, I remember how completely and unconditionally I loved the film as a child. At that time, it becomes easy to remove the filter of bitterness and condescension that is adulthood, allowing me to watch the movie as I did when I was a wee one, but with the added dimension of wisdom. In that way, Godzilla's Revenge has gotten even better for me with age. Sorry for the high falutin' diatribe, but sometimes these people with their "it's not just for kids anymore" attitudes need to get off the high horse and enjoy their hobbies rather than hermetically sealing them up in mylar bags to never be touched again. Yeah, my toys are scuffed and missing parts, but I had a hell of a lot more fun with them than you had with your "mint in box, never opened" and that's worth a lot more to me than money. Okay, so, Godzilla's Revenge. The movie begins with a boy who would become the icon for the entire genre, Ichiro, or as he is better known, Ichiro the Intensely Annoying. Ichiro is the young lad who, among other things, showed us just how annoying a little kid can be, and more shockingly, just how small a little kid's micro-shorts could become. Little shorts are as much a defining icon of the 1970s Japanese monster movie as they were to Catherine Bach in Dukes of Hazzard, though given the choice at age seven of watching Ichiro in Daisy Dukes or watching Daisy Duke in Daisy Dukes, I would go with Daisy every time. I'm childish; I'm not insane. Actually, the film begins with one of the coolest fuzzed-out surf guitar/spy movie music theme songs I've ever heard. "March of the Monsters" ranks up there on the swankometer right alongside movie themes like "Our Man Flint" and "Shaft," and is every bit as weird and funky as those songs. Right there you have reason enough to dig this movie from the get-go. Ichiro is a young kid who a lot of kids could relate to at the time. I know I could. His dad worked all day, and his mom worked evenings, so he rarely saw either of them. Like Ichiro, and like thousands of American kids started to do in the late 1960s and early 1970s, I had my own key and came home to an empty house, expected to both behave and entertain myself while my parents worked. To be honest, I have no complaints. My parents were good when they were around, and when they weren't, I learned how to deal with things myself. It's a lesson I'm thankful for to this day. Independence. Ichiro's only neighbor is a rather creepy inventor toy-maker type guy who is not nearly as cool as the inventor and his hard-bodied little bachelor pal from Godzilla Versus Megalon. This guy is just sort of, well, you know. Maybe not the guy you trust to take care of your kid when you are away. He looks like he was probably heavily involved in experimental theater during the 1960s. To make matters worse, every day Ichiro walks home with his gal pal, he is pestered by a bully named Gabera and his two sidekicks. When you see these kids, you will realize that it's akin to being bullied by, say, a gang consisting of Eddie Deezen, Matthew Broderick, and that guy who played Conan's goofy sidekick in Conan the Destroyer. In other words, these are not bullies I can see striking fear in the hearts of other elementary school children. Gabera and crew sure as hell ain't Nelson, Jimbo, and Kearney. Because his parents are never around, and his only friends are a prudish little girl who doesn't like trespassing in old buildings (a staple of my own childhood) and a fruity hippie neighbor, Ichiro has created a disturbingly elaborate fantasy world which may or may not be augmented by the fact that those shorts he wears must restrict the flow of blood through his body, making it more likely that he would live in a happy hallucinatory land of make-believe. When he is alone and feelin' blue, Ichiro gets out his home-made matter transporting radio device and tunes in to his own subconscious. Ahh yes, back when kids used their imagination and played make-believe. Nowadays, it would be a kid sitting down to play Sega for a few hours. It just ain't the same. Ichiro's trip through his own strange and twisted brain is pretty interesting. His radio transports him to Monster Island, home of Godzilla and plenty of other monsters. But to get there, Ichiro has to board a commercial jet liner that is completely empty and driven by auto-pilot. A telling subconscious symbol of his latchkey kid lifestyle? The plane deposits him alone on Monster Island, where he gets to hide in bushes and watch stock footage from various older Godzilla films, most frequently Son of Godzilla and Godzilla Versus the Sea Monster. After a hard day of watching Godzilla sort of walk around just randomly kicking the collective asses of his neighbors on Monster Island, one starts to wonder if this is how it is every day. I mean, does Godzilla wake up every morning and think, "Well, who's ass am I gonna kick today?" Do they start shit with him, or does he simply pick the fights himself like some drunken redneck in a trailer park (I can make that analogy because it is my heritage)? What is an average day like for Godzilla? Not those special days when the Earth is threatened by strangers from another world and their big golden dragons, but rather, those days when there's not much to do and no one invading our planet by building a robot that looks exactly like Godzilla instead of spending the money on something more useful and effective, like a neutron bomb. What is the Godzilla equivalent of kicking around the house in your underwear watching a little television? I've always been fascinated by pondering stupid questions like this. Like what does the Pope do when he isn't out Poping? Does he read the paper? Does he own normal clothes or just those glittery Liberace robes? Does the Pope have a jogging outfit? I wondered the same thing about Darth Vader, too. I mean, sure, there are days when he has to be all "Your powers are weak, old man" and throwing boxes around with his mind, but those days are probably few and far between in the greater scheme of things. So what was his average day like? Filling out paperwork? Going to long, boring meetings about revisions to the zoning laws? I mean, the guy was helping run an empire and all. There's a lot of work involved with that sort of thing. The elevation of the mundane to art. Just once, I would like to see Captain Picard stepping out of the bathroom stall. Unfortunately, attempts to answer these questions often end up looking like The Star Wars Holiday Special, which goes into excruciating detail about the everyday life of a wookie housewife. Or there are those late era Santo films where he'd already beat all the aliens, vampires, mafia, and devils Mexican theater could throw at him, so you had movies that consisted of stuff like Santo (in three piece suit and wrestling mask) driving to the bank or doing his taxes. At these times, I realize my fascination with seeing mundane everyday aspects of the lives of fantastic characters is usually not as cool in practice as it is in theory, sort of like whenever Scott and I would talk about how funny it would be to rent all three Porky's films. Funny in theory is one thing, but the reality is usually just painful. Luckily, Godzilla's everyday life consist primarily of getting into fights. Through the miracle of recycled footage, we see Godzilla rumble with Spiga the Spider, those giant praying mantises, and other old faves. When Ichiro is menaced by one of the monsters, he hauls ass through the jungle, which I think was a song by CCR, and falls down a hole. Actually, he falls into a really awful special effect which, along with a later scene of Leapin' Minya Poffo, will show you exactly why they chose to rely mainly on stock footage from other films for all the effects shots. At this point, I would have imagined myself some wings, and probably a princess who looked just like Penny Robinson from Lost in Space. Ichiro goes instead for a vine rope being lowered by Minya. Incidentally, Minya looks a lot like Ichiro. They're both very spherical in shape. Minya is able to shrink down to Ichiro size and speak English (or Japanese if you are watching the original version) with a "hyuk hyuk hyuk" sort of Country Bear Jamboree accent. In a deep psychological move, Minya is very much like Ichiro in more ways than just being round. Minya, of course, comes from a single parent family, and that parent, Godzilla, is often absent from home. And hey, Minya is even constantly picked on my a big monster bully named ... Gabera! This Gabera is a little more menacing than the other Gabera, though the shock of bright red Johnny Rotten hair undermines his appearance somewhat. Additionally, it looks like they started to add a tail to Gabera but then ran out of money. He's got a saggy ass and really looks like he needs a tail to complete the whole picture. Imagine Godzilla without a tail. Yep, pretty silly. But at least Gabera can shoot electricity out of his hands. I don't know if the Gabera picking on Ichiro could do that, but I suppose anything is possible in that crazy land we call Japan. Hey you know what I just realized? Godzilla's Revenge is just a movie adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are, the children's book in which a depressed young boy travels to the land of cavorting monsters and generally has a hell of a good time. Just when things are getting good, Ichiro is disturbed and snapped back to reality. This happens several times so that we can set up the real world sub plot, conveniently broadcast over the Plot Point Specific Radio Broadcasting Network as listened to frequently by Gilligan and the Professor and many other people in b-movies and bad television shows. Pretty much every broadcast was about a storm, a bank robbery, or the fact that the Harlem Globetrotters plane went down over the Pacific Ocean and they are presumed stranded on a deserted island. This one broadcasts the thing about the bank robbery, though it would have been pretty funny if Ichiro found Curly and Meadowlark Lemon stranded on Monster Island with him. The bank robbers, who are apparently not so good at robbing banks, happen to be hiding out in the old abandoned industrial hazard in which Ichiro likes to play. Just a quick note that this is probably not an entirely inaccurate portrayal of life in Tokyo's Chiba Prefecture, which is a very blue collar, working class, industrial neighborhood. I mean the part about playing in old buildings, not the part about bank robbers and the Globetrotters. One of the bank robbers drops his wallet, which Ichiro promptly finds, which then means they must kidnap him. But first, Ichiro must dream, dream, dream himself away to sweet, sweet Monster Island, where Minya introduces him to an unimpressed Godzilla who would rather swat airplanes out of the sky than talk to his stupid son's nerdy friends. Sort of like if you had a fat, beer-swilling dad who sat on the back porch ignoring you in favor of swatting mosquitoes and flies. Hmm, when you think about it, Godzilla is a pretty bad parent. Minya also has a scuffle with Gabera, during which he grows to the size of "little monster" and loses the ability to speak English in favor of making a lame "Bwaah-bwaaah" sound. Gabera not only kicks Minya's ass, he even does that thing where you hold your smaller opponent at bay by pressing your outstretched arm against their forehead, thus causing them the be too far away to hit you with their wildly swinging stubby little arms. This is a good way of fighting midgets, Minya, and Rey Misterio Jr., but you have to watch out because eventually, you're going to do that one time too many, and they're going to drop down and headbutt you in the balls. Happens every time. All the scenes involving Gabera are new to this film, and in a curious turn, rather than simply cut in stock footage of the infamous "learnin' how to blow atomic breath" scene from Son of Godzilla, they recreate the entire sequence here. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's the one where Minya can only blow harmless rings of blue smoke until Godzilla stomps on his tail, thus shocking him into blowing destructive atomic fire and honking like a donkey in heat. This is cool and all, but the real world so often gets in the way of fantasy. In a rather imaginative segueway, Ichiro finds himself being attacked by jungle plants, only to wake up and find himself being kidnapped by the bank robbers, who by the way, stole fifty million yen, which I think is about forty-five dollars. As bas as they are at robbing banks, they are even worse at kidnapping. Using all the wits and wiles afforded a kindergarten boy in micro-shorts, Ichiro befuddles and defeats his captors in a sequence that was no doubt the inspiration for the later Home Alone films. Yay! He's a hero now! But not before dozing off one more time to see the final fight between Minya and big bully Gabera. This time, rather than cowering, Minya stands up to Gabera and manages to get a few cheap shots in until Gabera accidentally bites Godzilla, at which time Godzilla decides fun time is over and just kicks the shit out of Gabera himself. Since Gabera is about the same size and Godzilla, you gotta wonder why he was making Minya fight the monster. I mean, that's like a father telling his seven-year-old to stand up to a bully like Mike Tyson. Anyway, everyone has fun beating up Gabera, and inspired by this show of familial violence, Ichiro wakes up with renewed vigor and, in front of his girlfriend, struts up and beats the shit out of his own Gabera in a fight that consists mainly of jumpcut shots of two young boys pulling on each other shirts. Actually, it's a pretty realistic fight in that it is clumsy and really sucks. At the end of the day, Ichiro has beat down Gabera, impressed the little lady, and gained the respect of all his peers. So come on! What's not to love? I mean, this movie is every little kid's dream! Sure, in the real world, even if you beat a bully, it's likely he'll come back a day later with even more friends and beat you up worse than before, but hey! This is a movie, unsullied by the sad inaccurate myth about "standing up to a bully will make him go away.' No, it just makes him more mad. But never mind that. The movie was directed by none other than Inoshiro Honda, the man who gave us the dark and ominous original film, as well as most of the Godzilla films from the 1960s that people remember as the best of the bunch. In interviews, he expressed disappointment in the movement of Godzilla from an icon of terror into a do-gooder hero under pressure from the studios to make the series more consumer-friendly -- and boy did they ever succeed. While I understand his sentiments, he should also look at the fact that while Godzilla did indeed lose his power as a warning about the follies of man, he also became a symbol of hope about the future. While the later Godzilla films did not shake the world with portents of doom, they made children and nerds happy. They, in their own weird and colorful way, even taught children the lessons adults failed to learn from the original. I started thinking about environmental issues as a kid after seeing Godzilla Versus the Smog Monster and watching episodes of Spectreman. I started, honestly, thinking about the follies of war after seeing how much trouble it caused in Godzilla and other scifi films. As goofy and as immature as movies like Godzilla's Revenge may seem to adults, and even to their creators, they do serve a genuine purpose. A couple years ago, with my blessing, my best friend back in Louisville gave her six-year-old daughter my copy of Godzilla's Revenge. A Godzilla fan was instantly created. She forsook her interest in Teletubbies in favor of more Godzilla films, started pretending to be Minya instead of pretending to be a cat, and hasn't stopped exploring since then. And you know why? Because she's a child. Because she has that spark that keeps away the walls of prejudice, fear, suspicion, and bigotry that creep in as we get older. Like me when I was her age, she doesn't know Japanese from American and doesn't discriminate on such arbitrary grounds as race. She simply knows what she likes and wants to learn more about it. A pity children's entertainment today is so mindless, gutless, and unintelligent. For all it's oddball weirdness and annoying micro-shorts buffalo shots, Godzilla's Revenge is a children's movie they simply won't make anymore, one that teaches children the value of self-reliance in the face of adversity. Okay, so maybe I'm injecting a little more into a stupid kiddie movie than I should; so what? I won't pretend that it doesn't have it's short-comings, or that I am completely able to overlook them all the way I did when I was in first grade. Yeah, Ichiro is annoying, so annoying in fact that I was inspired to invent the Ichirometer, the scale by which all annoying cinematic children are measured. Ichiro, of course, is the perfect ten. So far the only child I've found that even comes close to Ichiro is "Little Bob" from the dubbed version of Lucio Fulci's House By the Cemetery, though if I have to see the commercial one more time, that whispering watery-eyed kid from Sixth Sense is going to give them both a run for their yen and lira. And yeah, the movie is cheaper than whatever "cheaper than some type of hooker" joke you want to apply. The majority of the monster scenes are all from older movies. When they do attempt a special effect, like when Minya jumps off the cliff to foil Gabera with the ol' "bad guy standing on the end of a teeter totter" type move, it's pretty sorry. At the same time, as goofy as he is, Gabera always seemed cool to me when I was little, and it's always good to see Godzilla kick some butt, even if most of it just consists of his greatest tropical island hits. None of that spoiled it for me as a kid, and since I remember so well how much I liked it back then, I still appreciate and enjoy it today. It also signaled the end of the "golden age" of Godzilla films and kicked off the "right silly age' under the guidance of new official Godzilla director Jun Fukuda. And of course you may be wondering at what point Godzilla actually gets any revenge. Well, he doesn't really, unless you count the thrashing he gives Gabera in the final monster scene as revenge for the one time Gabera bit him. Seems a pretty small incident, though, in the greater scheme of things. I'd like to thing that the revenge to which they refer is what they get now any time a pompous, overly serious Godzilla fan watches this movie. If more Godzilla fans could get the broom out of their ass and actually enjoy the films rather than nitpick and dissect them under an electron microscope, they'd see that in its own way, for its own audience, Minya and Godzilla's Revenge are as effective and important to the series as the original. Try to put it in perspective next time you watch it. You might discover it's not so bad, micro-shorts and all. Actually, now that I think about it, a gang consisting of Eddie Deezen, Matthew Broderick, and Tracey Walter actually is pretty intimidating... Labels: B-Masters Roundtable, Country: Japan, Director: Inoshiro Honda, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 1969 posted by Keith at 4:33 PM | 0 Comments Tuesday, January 08, 2002Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster
1971, Japan. Starring Akira Yamauchi, Toshie Kimura, Hiroyuki Kawase, Keiko Mari, Toshio Shibaki, Yukihiko Gondo, Eisaburo Komatsu, Haruo Nakajima, Susumu Okabe, Tadashi Okabe, Wataru Omae, Kenpachiro Satsuma. Directed by Yoshimitsu Banno. Buy it from Amazon
So this is what happens when Godzilla writers drop acid and watch a bunch of Matt Helm films. I think I am in the minority in liking this film, which is easily the weirdest damn Godzilla film ever made, and also the hippest. It has more scenes of wild, sexy go-go dancing Japanese girls in white boots and psychedelic mini-skirts than any other Japanese monster movie. Add crazy-ass psychedelic backgrounds pulsating in the back (those ones that are always superimposed over Jimmy Hendrix performances), and you have a serious kaiju freaka. Body painting, swirly catsuits, man you just can't go wrong with this stuff! Godzilla films often have a subplot involving man's disregard for nature. In fact, Japanese sci-fi in general is all about upsetting the balance of the planet. Funny stuff coming from the one nation that refused to stop slaughtering endangered whales and still likes to buy mass quantities of powdered endangered species for use as aphrodisiacs. DID THEY LEARN NOTHING FROM SPECTREMAN!?!!? Godzilla Versus Hedorah is the most overtly political of all the Godzilla films, with the possible exception of Godzilla's Revenge. Some movies chose to serve you the ideology in small, subtle ways. Godzilla Versus Hedorah serves it to you as a giant monster kicking over buildings and spewing acid onto hippies. Normally, this would be a good thing, but this must have been some of that brown acid everyone was warned about. I guess a light, subtle touch has never been a staple of the Godzilla franchise. So what we have here is a monster born of sludge and industrial waste. Hedorah actually looks a lot like that disastrous food item some Japanese company tried to market a few years ago. It was made of reconstituted sewage and was supposed to be full of nutrients. The only problem was that they didn't disguise the origin, and no one wanted to eat a black-green fruit roll-up that was once in someone's ass. Anyway, Hedorah looks liked that. Hedorah can also transform into three states -- flying Hedorah, stomping Hedorah, and swimming Hedorah. The flying Hedorah spreads deadly acid clouds as it flies. This doesn't sit well with Godzilla, now firmly planted in his superheroic "defender of humanity" personae. So one night he strolls into town to take on the gooey gob of evil. No one seems to notice the two monsters. I mean, there's no evacuation, no mass hysteria, no sirens or jets or anything. Did they sneak into the city? How can you not notice Godzilla fighting a sludge monster in the middle of town? In fact, this film dispenses with a number of traditional Godzilla elements -- there is no evacuation scene. No Akira Ifukube soundtrack. No aliens or fairies. Most of the monster action takes place at night. It's a weird feeling Godzilla movie, very different and strange. But you still got the little kid in micro-shorts, though this one isn't so bad. On the Ichiro scale, he only rates a 5, at best. But Godzilla isn't strong enough! Is it possible that man's carelessness and irresponsibility have created an environmental monstrosity even Godzilla can't handle? Hedorah splits and takes to eating factory pollution, since pollution is what gives Hedorah it's nourishment. This actually seems like a benefit of having a Hedorah around. But it keeps squirting acid on people, and you just can't do that, not even in the 1970s. Some go-go dancers, Bohemians, and hippy kids decide to have a big dance on Mount Fuji to summon good vibes and make Hedorah disappear. Of course, Hedorah comes by and squirts acidic sludge on everyone. Important lesson there -- you can't combat environmental destruction with good intentions or pointless songs. You've got to take an active role. Art is not enough to make the world right. It takes physical work. Luckily, Godzilla is there to be the Earth First to their hippy peace circle. He's ready to kick pollution's ass, and this time he has some back-up in the form of the Japanese military and the scientist who discovered the origins of Hedorah. Now, if you've learned one thing from a Godzilla film, it's that he can magically have bestowed upon him powers that help him beat his enemy, like in Godzilla Versus MechaGodzilla when out of nowhere he has the power to magnetize his body. Well, that's nothing. In this one, he uses his atomic breath to actually propel himself backwards through the sky. Yes, using his breath as a jet engine, he can fly! This is the one and only movie where Godzilla goes airborne in any fashion beyond Rodan picking him up and dropping him on stuff. When you see it, you will know why. I don't care what the critics say! I love Godzilla Versus Hedorah in all its puzzling, heavy-handed glory. It has tons of monster action, a weird "drunken super Godzilla" theme song, weird animated bits, more monster action, cute beatnik girls in go-go boots and body stockings, and a flying Godzilla! It has that "Save the Earth" theme song. It certainly doesn't have the same tone or look of other Godzilla films. The color is more muted (and Godzilla films would become garish in their use of color as the 1970s progressed). It has funky music. It has a message about taking care of the Earth, and about man's responsibility for cleaning up his own mess. If you expect someone else to do it for you (Godzilla) or just write songs about it and dance, you'll be set upon by a monster. Only when mankind rolls up it's collective sleeves and plunges their hands into the heart of the mess can progress be made. Nerd note: the Hedorah monster is played by Kenpachiro Satsuma in his first "role." He would go on to be the man in the evil monster suit for many other Godzilla films. He moved on to play Godzilla itself in all the new films, and has even invented a style of karate based on the movements and exercises he must do to properly function in the bulky monster suit. He calls it "Godzilla kempo." Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 1971 posted by Keith at 4:26 PM | 0 Comments Thursday, January 03, 2002Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla
1977, Japan. Starring Masaaki Daimon, Kazuya Aoyama, Akihiko Hirata, Hiroshi Koizumi, Reiko Taijimi, Hiromi Matsushita, Masao Imafuku, Beru-bera Lin, Shin Kishida, Goro Mutsumi, Kenji Sahara, Kazunari Mori, Satoru Kazumi. Directed by Jun Fukuda. Buy it from Amazon
In previous Godzilla reviews, I've recounted my experiences as a wee sprout eagerly indulging in a Saturday or Sunday afternoon Japanese monster-fest compliments of WDRB TV-41 in Louisville, Kentucky. I recounted gathering around our television set with friends in order to get a glimpse of Godzilla, Gargantua, Rodan, or, on weekday afternoons, Ultraman and the Space Giants. I can genuinely say that, without exception, I love each and every Godzilla film Toho has ever made. Even the stupid stuff. Hell, the number of Japanese sci-fi and monster movies I don't like can easily be counted on one hand with fingers left over for flipping people off who run them down for being "fake" or cheesy. It was the goddamned 1960s, you dumb-ass! American special effects were ten times worse than their Japanese counterparts, and I still like a big ol' rubber-suited monster kicking scale models around than I do watching some computer generated shit. But of all the Godzilla films of my youth, one stood out among all the others as my absolute favorite. And though these days my favorite tends to be Godzilla Versus Mothra, I still have a warm and open spot in my heart for the most bad-ass of all Godzilla films, Godzilla Versus MechaGodzilla. And I mean bad-ass. From the opening scene of Godzilla's buddy, Angilas, getting his mouth ripped open, you know this is some serious ass-kicking shit. When, later in the film, Godzilla is wounded (son of a bitch!) and blood goes spurting like a geyser or a Lone Wolf and Cub film, you know this isn't a straight-up kiddie film. You're not going to get kindergarten students in micro-shorts dancing a jig with a pot-bellied baby monster. Everything about this movie is bad-ass. The music is bad-ass. The women are bad-ass. Godzilla is even more bad-ass than usual. And MechaGodzilla -- don't get me started! Ghidrah may be Godzilla's most frequent foe, but MechaGodzilla is the only baddie bad enough to go the full twelve rounds with our favorite thunder lizard. Our action begins with the aforementioned mauling of poor Angilas. What's even more shocking than the buckets of blood gushing from his flapping jaws is the fact that his buddy Godzilla is doing the damage. Or so it would seem. A small wound to Godzilla reveals a shiny interior, and we, like Angilas, figure something weird is up. But that doesn't stop Godzilla from immediately setting out to wreak havoc across Japan. No sir, this film wastes no time in delivering the giant monster mayhem. When Godzilla sets to smashing up a petrol plant, he gets a surprise visit from ... Godzilla! This freaks everyone out as the two Godzillas face off amid the fiery wreckage. This is easily one of the coolest looking Godzilla fights ever, with smoke and flame surrounding the battling lizards. Before too long, the impostor Godzilla is stripped of his skin, revealing a sharp looking robotic body. MechaGodzilla! Turns out a race of green space monkeys intend to conquer the planet, and they are using MechaGodzilla to do it. I never understood why, if these space guys are so smart they don't just hit us with a big neutron bomb or something. Instead they always build robots and send monsters. Oh well. It's more fun for us that way, so I suppose it's more fun for them as well. Anyway, these haggard space monkeys aren't nearly as sexy as the space ladies who try to conquer us in Destroy All Monsters, so this time around I have no issue with Earth trying to prevent the take-over. But rest assured, marauding sexy space ladies in metallic clothes, when you come for the Earth, I will be first in line to sell my race out and do your bidding. MechaGodzilla is a tough son-of-G-Hitch, and the humans feel Godzilla could use a little help. Thus, they summon King Caesar, the ancient mythical guardian of Okinawa. King Caesar won't wake from his slumber until a cute island girl runs down to the beach and sings a jazzy go-go tune to him. Can't say I blame him. When he does awake, he is supposed to be one of those Foo Lions you see dancing in Chinese parades and stuff. King Caesar isn't really much help. He mostly snarls and shoots rainbow beams out of his eyes before just settling down for his inevitable ass whuppin' at the hands of a superior foe. This means, of course, that Godzilla has to get the job done on its own. To do this, he whips out a super power no one knew he ever had before. The effects in this film are top-notch, especially after everyone seemed to be just sort of slumming around in the last couple of films. MechaGodzilla is nearly as cool and tough as his own theme song, which is one of the best monster songs ever. King Caesar's song is okay because a cute island girl sings it. And as for Godzilla? Well, what do you think? As always, he's accompanied by his traditional Akira Ifukube originated tune, a song that will dominate monster music forever, in much the same way Godzilla dominates the monster movies. One of my most vivid memories is of watching this film with my friends from down the street, Roman and Mandy. When Godzilla gets jabbed by MechaGodzilla's finger missiles and spurts blood and falls down, we were all devastated. "Godzilla's down!!!" I remember us yelling in horror. And when the Big G gets back up to kick some cyborg ass, we were cheering wildly. This movie still makes me feel like that. It was followed up with the inferior Terror of MechaGodzilla, which we will get to soon enough. That movie wasn't much, as far as I am concerned. But it does have Godzilla running in slow-motion, so it's not a total loss. In the 1990s, MechaGodzilla was dusted off one more time, with a new, curvier look that isn't as menacing as the old, spiky model. He was also controlled by mankind instead of marauding aliens. The movie was pretty good, the best of all the new Godzilla films, but the old Godzilla and MechaGodzilla still rule the day in my mind. Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 1977 posted by Keith at 3:39 PM | 1 Comments Monday, September 03, 2001Godzilla vs. Gigan
1972, Japan. Starring Hiroshi Ishikawa, Tomoko Umeda, Yuriko Hishimi, Minoru Takashima, Zan Fujita, Kanta Ina, Kunio Murai, Haruo Nakajima, Toshiaki Nishzawa, Koetsu Omiya, Kenpachiro Satsuma. Directed by Jun Fukuda. Buy it from Amazon
Depending on your opinion, either the 1970s were not kind to Godzilla, or fans are not kind to the Godzilla of the 1970s. The films of that era are often dismissed as cheap, poorly made, and generally pathetic or childish. Godzilla was in full "super-hero" mode. Little kids in micro-shorts were running wild, but not nearly so in control as they were in the old Gamera films. A lot of serious Godzilla fans hang their heads in shame at the mere mention of some of these titles. Well, nothing in the world of film pisses me off more than a serious fan, someone who wrings out every ounce of enjoyment from a movie and looks at it with most bitter of critical eyes. They turn their noses up at the "kiddie" films of the 1970s, forgetting all the while that the reason they seem so childish is because, well, they were made for kids, you nerd! They weren't made for some college drop-out film geek to analyze frame by frame on his DVD player while counting down the minutes until he once again has to jack off to the La Blue Girl cartoons. Here at Teleport City, we stand in firm and unwavering defense of the Godzilla of the 1970s. Sure the films were cheap. The special effects were not up to the high standard set by the 1960s productions. The plots were often ludicrous at best. But more important to me is the fact that the films are a tremendously fun time. They are full of vibrant colors, outlandish aliens, monster wrestling, and plenty of good old fashioned destruction. As a lad, I grew up on the Godzilla films of the 1970s, and perhaps that, more than any other reason, is why I love them so dearly and totally do not relate to the contempt with which they are viewed by many people. There are three films that often battle for the title "worst Godzilla film of all time," and predictably enough, I unconditionally love all three of them. Far and away the most hated film in the series is Godzilla's Revenge, but we will get to that film in due time. The other two films vying for the position are Godzilla Versus Megalon and Godzilla Versus Gigan, both of which feature Gigan, a cool cyborg monster with a buzzsaw in his belly! Godzilla Versus Gigan begins with the wacky exploits of a frustrated comic book artist who is offered a job by a strange corporation. Their plan is to build replicas of all the monsters on Earth, then kill the real ones off. That way, people can come see the monsters and ride roller coasters out of their mouths, but there will be no real danger to humanity, and as a result, we will enter a golden age of peace and harmony or something. I love me a good roller coaster, and though I don't know if amusement parks are the key to global harmony, I'm certainly willing to give it a try. And although I would hate to see all the Earth's monsters killed, those plans for a giant monster themed fun park sure sounded like a good idea. Sure enough, though, the corporate guys aren't totally friendly. Nor are they totally human. Yes, once again, we are the target of marauding invaders from space. These guys were all over the place during the 1970s. But just because they are here to conquer us and set up a peaceful Eden doesn't mean they can't take time out to build a giant replica of Godzilla. You know that thing is getting smashed by the Big G before the credits roll. There are certain things in these sorts of films that are givens. For example, the bad guys will always tie up the hero and explain the whole plan for world domination -- making certain to highlight all the possible pitfalls and weak links in the plan. Then, while they are watching one of those rounded-corner TV screens, the hero will somehow manage to loosen his bonds. We accept this. It's a time-honored convention. But these are the only villains who not only explain their plan in detail, but actually present charts, graphs, and a short documentary on the subject. In that sense, their disguise as corporate cogs and middle managers is perfect. If you made this film today, they would come armed with a lengthy PowerPoint presentation. The dashing comic artist and his cute karate-trained girlfriend team up with a chubby hippie guy and a disgruntled woman who used to work for the sinister corporation. Together, they intend to stick it to the aliens. Okay, so maybe it's not the elite team we'd hope would combat marauding aliens if ever they came to Earth. I mean, A cartoonist, his checkerboard-dress wearing karate girlfriend, the corn-lovin' hippie, and the marketing woman team up to fight the aliens disguised as amusement park owners. All they need is a dog and a van covered with flowers, and you have a whole different series. Anyway, I'll take a cartoonist and his karate girl, a hippie, and a disgruntled woman any day over a squeaky kid in micro-shorts. The aliens decide to raze the Earth because, well, why the hell not? Foolish ETs. Don't they know we humans have a guardian? That guardian is Godzilla. And to a lesser extend, Angilas. The aliens send Gigan out to smash things up. Gigan looks cool, but you have to question the hand design there. The hook looks tough and all, but you'd think at some point some fingers would come in handy. Maybe one hand and one big hook or something. Anyway, Gigan gets a little help from everybody's favorite three-headed dragon thing, the mighty King Ghidrah, who has certainly looked mightier in previous days. In this film, it looks like they found the costume out in the alley and were like, "Remember this old dude? Let's use him one last time!" Ghidrah has certainly seen better days. It was like watching Andre the Giant during the end of his wrestling career when he was having really bad health problems. Or watching Ric Flair now. Anyway, the big advantage for the heroes is that neither evil monster has any damn hands. So you have your teams: Godzilla and Angilas versus Gigan and Ghidrah, and on the mid-card, hip Japanese heroes versus the square corporate aliens. Look at it as a counter-culture sort of thing. The fringe fighting back against a massive corporation that wants to impose global homogeneity, "peace" corporate style and at the expense of free thought. Godzilla, the living breathing creature versus a heartless cyborg. For some reason, I don't know if I would bet the farm on the writers of this script wanting to make a "Freaks versus The Man" movie, but what the hell? The glory of film studies is I can make any damn shit up I want. And the leader of the aliens does have a Bill Gates haircut. This film has lots of other little gems. Like the fact that Godzilla talks. Yes indeed. He and Angilas gab to one another before swimming to Japan to beat alien ass. I think this only happens in the dubbed version. But get this: in the original Japanese version, I hear they actually spoke in comic book word bubbles! I have never seen the original Japanese version, but that sounds pretty amazing. All in all, this movie is not the best written film in the world. It doesn't have the best special effects I've ever seen. That honor goes to Plan 9 from Outer Space. And sure, a lot of scenes may be stock footage from superior films like Rodan and Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster. And yes, I see the point of the many people who look at this film as if it was a piece of doggy poo. I just don't agree with them. You got lots of monster action. You got aliens. You got a beautiful karate kicking lady. You got hippies and comic book nerds saving the planet. And you have no annoying little kids in micro-shorts. When I was little, I was utterly enthralled by the Technicolor madness that is Godzilla Versus Gigan. Twenty years after I first saw it, I'm just as happy. Never mind the bullocks. Embrace Godzilla Versus Gigan. This film was also released under the title Godzilla on Monster Island, which only makes sense, seeing how al the action takes place nowhere near Monster Island. Still, you catch a glimpse of the place for about ten seconds, so there you go. Also, nerd point: Kenpachiro Satsuma plays Gigan the monster. He also played Hedorah in Godzilla Versus the Smog Monster, but is best known as the ultra-cool man beneath the Godzilla suit in every film since Godzilla 1985. Now take that tidbit with you to the next convention, and hardcore fans will go, "Tell me something I don't know, Chappy. Hey look! A girl in a Sailor Moon outfit!" which is better than what I saw. Imagine a two-hundred fifty pound hairy comic geek in a Japanese school girl outfit. *Shudder* Labels: Country: Japan, Science Fiction: Kaiju, Series: Godzilla, Year: 1972 posted by Keith at 4:58 PM | 0 Comments Tuesday, April 03, 2001Godzilla vs. Megalon
1973, Japan. Starring Katsuhiko Sasaki, Hiroyuki Kawase, Yutaka Hayashi, Kotaro Tomita, Robert Dunham. Directed by Jun Fukuda. When news broke about the fact that TriStar was planning on releasing the latest Godzilla movie from Toho Studios, imaginatively titled Godzilla 2000, it kicked a lot of people into thinking about past Godzilla films unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses of movie goers. The last one to get this special treatment was the disastrous Godzilla 1985 with something like half the original movie cut out in order to make room for more scenes of Americans drinking Dr. Pepper. I mean, there's even a Dr. Pepper vending machine in the goddamn war room! Godzilla 1985 in it's original Japanese version was a moderately entertaining film, but certainly nothing to get excited about, and certainly not worth the five year wait. It's sort of like if you were a Star Trek fan really excited about this huge, expensive, new state-of-the-art return for your beloved show, then you go see Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and well, it sucks. Or it doesn't so much suck as it simply lets you down in a monumental way. The one thing that puts Star Trek: The Motion Picture a notch above Godzilla 1985 is the fact that Trek had that sexy bald girl in the little toga. Say what you will about Star Trek, but they use the little toga and mini-skirt a lot, so that makes them cool in my book. Of course, then along came Star Trek: The Next Generation, which had a decent mini-skirt and skimpy toga count for the first season, but then got really PC after that and had everyone parading around in burlap sacks. I don't know what your vision of a utopian society is, but mine is most definitely not an agrarian society where we all plant rhubarb and wear burlap sacks. And I don't think I'm alone in this. But every time Picard and his minions go to one of them "peaceful utopian planets of absolute joy," everyone's all excited about planting potatoes and wearing smocks. The hell? Look, if I want to find Paradise, it's going to be old series Paradise. Remember when Spock found Paradise? He had a sexy lady in a little mini-skirt, and they spent the whole day swinging upside down in trees and frolicking in fields while Spock bellowed, "I'm in love, Jim!" That is some Paradise, brother. Not once did you see Spock stop and go, "Wait, if we stop all this traipsing, then we can go hoe a field!" No, Spock was all like, "Screw that farm work! I'm gonna go skinny dipping with my woman!" And that's the way it should be. No one wants to plow fields for all eternity, yet those assholes in the Next Generation were always out in the fields, smiling, planting, and wearing sacks and earnestly claiming, "It is a good life, Captain," because God forbid any of these fuckers should ever use a contraction. Well let me tell you something: farm work is hard. It's not Paradise. And neither is wearing burlap sacks or futuristic pantsuits. So look, get out of your brown smock, throw down your hoe, put on something sexy, and run through the fields with me and Spock. You'll be much happier than if you were planting tomatoes. Of course, if we all throw down our plow and quit farming, then we'll eventually starve. So we'll probably have to oppress some of you and make you toil in the fields to feed our new leisure class, but hey that's no problem, because we'll just get those field-plowin' assholes from Next Generation! Problem solved. Now let's all go off and be Eloi! Anyway, where was I? Sorry, but that just really pisses me off. Okay, so Godzilla 1985 in Japan was a bland film. Godzilla 1985 in America was one of the most laughably atrocious debacles I've ever witnessed. Gone was nearly half the original movie, and in it's place we got Dr. Pepper drinking generals and, of course, Raymond Burr doing exactly what he did when he was spliced into the original Godzilla film buy the Americans of the previous generation: he looks on in awe and terror. And of course, he gives the requisite "You don't know what you're up against" speech that was mastered by Richard Crenna when he played Rambo's commanding officer in First Blood. You know the speech. Some cocky bad-ass will be bragging about how they have Rambo cornered and he's in a cave eating rats, and it'll be simple to catch him, so then the commanding officer type has to do the whole bit about "Rambo is a specially trained killing machine who used to kill Viet Cong generals using just a toothpick from a mile away blah blah blah I hope you bring a lot of body bags." It's always a sign of bad writing when the movie has to take time out to have someone assure us that the main character is indeed the baddest mother fucker ever to walk the earth. If you make a good movie, then we'll know the guy is a bad-ass. It's like how every Steven Seagal movie has to explain to us how bad-ass his character is with the ol' "this guy's good" speech delivered by an admiring foe. Don't tell us someone is cool or tough; show us, baby. Lesson number one in high school creative writing class. Well, Raymond Burr is to Godzilla what Richard Crenna was to Rambo. And I'm still thinking about Spock swinging upside down in a tree and laughing his ass off. No one had to announce to us that Spock was bad-ass. We just knew it, especially when he was up in that tree. As is always the case, these new American scenes were put in so we white folk could better relate to the film, because we would never understand a movie starring nothing but those crazy Asian people. You know, I grew up watching Ultraman and Godzilla, and not once did it occur to me that I shouldn't relate to them because they were Japanese. Not once. Hell, I didn't even know there was supposed to be a difference between me and them. That whole "children won't relate" thing is such utter bullshit that I can't even believe people still try to pull it. Kids don't care, and even better, they simply don't know. They don't know that they are supposed to hate someone because of their ethnicity. They don't know that we are supposed to isolate ourselves from other cultures. They don't know Japanese from American from Laplander. What they know is that they are watching cool monsters and robots kick each other around and smash things up, and that my friends, is a universal that transcends any sense of national identity, like farts and old people who cuss and guys who get kicked in the balls. Adults cling like hungry monkeys to this idea that "children won't relate" in an attempt to displace their own racism, their own inability to see people as people and not as curiosities or "others." Adults are the ones who can't handle a Japanese show full of Japanese people, and they blame it on children, who really don't give a damn about who is what. You know, that's why I can't stand most adults, and why I hate this whole trend of trying to take kiddie entertainment and sell it as "not just for kids." You know what? I watch Godzilla movies. I watch cartoons. I buy toys, and I play with them. I don't keep them in a box hermetically sealed up inside a safe deposit box. I get them out and I play with them. It's stupid and childish and I really don't care. I'm not trying to convince myself that it's something serious and adult, because you know what? Adult stuff sucks. Taxes are adult. Buying silverware is adult. Paying your rent or utility bill is adult. Being a bitter asshole is adult. Playing with toys and watching giant monsters fight each other is simple, childish, and pure. I wouldn't have it any other way. So next time you sit down to read a comic or watch a silly movie, don't try to tell yourself it's an adult thing. Try instead to think about what it's like to be a kid again, to not be strapped down by the discrimination and hate and narrow-mindedness that creeps in as we get older. Try to remember what it was like to not know or care if there was a difference between black, white, Asian, or whatever. Try to remember what it was like to be creative and imaginative and free from the stress and fear and loathing of society. Try to remember what it was like to be a child. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy those around you. And for Christ sake, afterwards, go outside and play. So anyway, America chopped up Godzilla 1985 and added a lot of Dr. Pepper product placement. Godzilla movies are not free from obvious product placement, of course. Whoever gave the film the most money usually has their building and brand name featured prominently in the film as Godzilla knocks it over. But at least that's integrated. It fits. I don't think five-star generals sit around NORAD downing cans of Dr. Pepper as they tensely wait to see if one nuclear missile will intercept another. With the dismal failure of Godzilla 1985 it would be fifteen years before America would get another Godzilla film on the big screen (unless you count that 1998 Matthew Broderick romantic comedy that had some giant monster scenes in it). This could be because it stung so bad, or it could be because in America, we only release Godzilla movies with a date in the title. Anyway, that's all in the future, and who cares about the future when you can live in the past? I went through this whole goddamn thing about Godzilla and rac |