2006, Turkey. Starring Mehmet Ali Erbal, Burcu Kara, Deniz Seki, Burak Hakki, Cuneyt Arkin, Burak Sergin, Didem Erol, Ismail Incekara. Written by Murat Boyacioglu. Directed by Kartal Tibet.

*Sigh*

I heard numerous times over several years that there was going to be a sequel to Turkish Star Wars. I heard it would have Cuneyt Arkin in it. And I really hoped that those were just fruitless rumors. They weren't. So, with a heavy heart and low expectations, I went ahead and hoped that maybe it was a fitting tribute to the original film.

I've now seen it. It's not. And it's really not worth even seeking out to find out for yourself. Coming from a man who owns Zombie Ninja Gangbangers, I think that's saying a lot.

Imagine if Empire Strikes Back had been more of a combination of the "witty dialogue" and general emptiness of Phantom Menace, and mix that with the paroxysm-inducing variety show humor and irrelevance of the Star Wars Holiday Special. We'll keep a minimal amount of Phantom Menace's soulless special effects, but nix all of the action sequences and any parts where anything really happens. We won't have a Jar-Jar Binks anymore per se, but we'll dissolve him into a thin slime that just casts a pall over the entire film, so that instead of one odiously unfunny character, we'll just have many awkwardly unfunny ones. From the Holiday Special, we'll be particularly careful to adopt the concept of weak, meaningless cameos, and the capacity to inspire a general sense of outrage in the viewer as (s)he realizes that this has nothing to do with the film that the title refers to.

Or, if you'd like a different way of thinking of the film... Imagine a script written so that it winks so hard at the viewer that it's probably tearing connective tissue in its face. A family-friendly script which attempts to tell a very coherent, cliched tale of a long-lost twin brother, unrequited love, and an evil man who seeks to destroy the world (and if the last part sounds like it could force some excitement, don't worry, because we'll keep him offscreen for almost the entire film). All humor, by the way, will be extremely obvious, poorly thought out, and even more poorly delivered, divided between 1) topical humor about such issues as Turkey joining the EU and 2) half-assed attempts at reminding people of how funny Turkish Star Wars was.

According to the Internet Movie Database, writer Murat Boyacioglu had never before written a script. I would not be shocked if he never does again, even for community theater or an extemporaneous zombie film involving a few friends, a few bottles of ketchup, and a few bottles of raki or a few cases of beer.

Director Kartal Tibet is best known -- to Americans anyway -- for his starring roles in action movies such as the Tarkan and Karaoglan films. It seems like he mostly directs comedies these days... I'm in no position to judge his directorial abilities overall, and I'll still give him the benefit of the doubt in the future, but I don't know what the fuck he was thinking here.

Now, to be fair... it's a tall order to write a sequel to Turkish Star Wars. Even taller, I would argue, than writing prequels to the real Star Wars trilogy. What? No, really. I tire of taking potshots at Lucas; I think that no matter what he did, this far into the game he was just not going to be able to satisfy the ridiculously high expectations of rabid Star Wars fandom. The new films weren't going to be as groundbreaking for the general public as the original Star Wars was, and there was no way that he could completely satisfy the niche audience who knows Star Wars trivia better than the backs of their hands. Now, the incredibly horrible dialogue, the creation of Jar Jar, and the imbecilic deployment of James Earl Jones in a vocal cameo that even Satan himself couldn't have designed more sadistically... well, that's a different, and very rotten, can of worms.

But Turkish Star Wars over two decades later presents a very different set of problems for the aspiring filmmakers. First off, if you're making the film for mainstream audiences, Turkish or worldwide, you can't steal footage and music from mainstream American movies anymore. That difficulty by itself opened the film up to criticism, as some cult fans of the original film wanted a sequel to do the same, but I don't see a way around compliance with copyright laws these days, especially in a major production.

Second, the original film was an unparalleled combination of manic-but-incompetent action, surreal and incomprehensible dialogue, baffling and unidentifiable character/monster/costume design, and a basic approach that answered every question about plot or character development with a swing of Cuneyt Arkin's fists. Even if you don't enjoy Turkish Star Wars -- which, by the way, means that something's depressingly wrong with you -- you have to admit that it's a pretty hard act to follow.

To that, you might object that Turkish Star Wars is stranger and more incomprehensible to Americans than to Turks, I suppose...but you'd mostly be wrong, just so you know. The film was as baffling to its original Turkish audiences as it is to anyone who has watched it serial-style on YouTube. The nonsensicality of the dialogue is not a reflection of idiosyncratic Turkish thought; it's just very nonsensical dialogue, and ditto the appropriation of outside film and musical sources, and the costume design, and everything else.

Besides, the ensuing couple of decades have changed Turkish filmgoers' expectations in terms of budget, writing, production values, special effects, etc. Whether that's better or worse is up to you to decide, but it's no longer the sort of country where a national release can be made by a couple of guys who raided a janitor's closet for props and costumes.

I could go on about all this, but I guess it'd be better to talk about the movie itself somehow.

The story has become as follows: the Man Who Saved the World (they got Cuneyt Arkin to play him) is now dead and frozen in a block of ice. He had twin sons; one of them became a captain in the Turkish space program, and the other one was kidnapped by The Man Who Saved the World's eternal enemy, named Uga. Uga's kidnapped stepson is named Zaldabar, and he's a very cocky jerkoff, basically, who wears lots of black and has some sexy female androids running his ship, but he has always wanted to experience true love with a woman who does not simply comply with commands.

By contrast, the other son, Captain Kartal, is running a Turkish spaceship on which the crew haven't been paid wages in three months. Kartal's sexy assistant Gonca keeps trying to seduce him, but no, he's only after noble heroism and his mission (Cuneyt Arkin's son my ass...). Comedy on the ship includes references to politics in Turkey, references to wages and concomitant divorce threats, the old woman who just can't stop cleaning, and a "which button should I push to activate the shields?" sketch. In a lot of ways, this movie is more like ongoing, boring, family-friendly sketch comedy that just keeps going on and on. Sometimes you almost even wish you were just watching a bunch of wookies. Anyway, Captain Kartal's mission is to find the astronaut Gokmen, who left the airlock to plant a Turkish flag in space, but then a giant pair of scissors cut his airhose/tether line and he floated away eight years ago.

It transpires later that Gokmen landed on the planet Lunatica, where he started to foment rebellion against the portly despot Dogibus. Dogibus is trying to join an interstellar analogue of the E.U., and that plan is contingent upon the capture of Gokmen. To capture Gokmen, Dogibus tries to enlist the help of Zaldabar by promising his daughter Maya to him. However, after inadvertently crossing with Zaldabar, Captail Kartal and crew crash on Lunatica, where the Captain meets up with Princess Maya, who is running away from home to escape her betrothal, and she takes him to Gokmen. Meanwhile, Gonca is now working with Zaldabar, who captured her but at least can pay wages without bureaucratic funding problems. If you don't see where that's going, well, I'm not going to help you with it.

Except for the pretty obvious conclusion, that's more or less the entire movie. Now, you might be asking, "But what the fuck does any of that have to do with Turkish Star Wars?" Yes. Well... First of all, they put Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam in the title. So there's that, for what it's worth. Then, there were a few limp-wristed references to the original film, including Uga's revenge monologue in which he describes some of the dialogue and action of the first film, punctuated by his advisor saying "Yes, but... I do not understand... Yes, but I still do not understand..." etc.

And they also roped in Cuneyt Arkin for what amounts to a cameo -- although, fittingly, he's the centerpiece of the cover art and the posters. And I guess it was kind of fun to see Cuneyt, whose hair is now stark white, fly into space to save the floating Gokmen...and he very briefly reprises his role in the training scene of the first film, beating up rocks...and they did give him a small fight to participate in. Still, I think his presence was mostly wasted -- especially because the only part he's in which isn't a flashback is a scene where he gives his son explicit instructions on how to use his ship as a "magnet" to send a "bomb" away from the earth. What's wrong with that? Well, the focus on the scene is all about a fearful son learning from his father. And in the end, all he does is flip some buttons and do a U-turn.

You might be wondering, "Okay, so when do they start kicking ass?" Well, they never do. The fight choreography is less inspired than your average fourth-grade play, and most of the "heroism" is exemplified by just trying to act nobly, rather than smashing rocks or beating up monsters. No one dies, there is no blood, the evil army's laser guns only stun and don't kill, and the only fight in the film is a really pathetic lightsaber duel which, by virtue of editing and closeups, doesn't give much of a sense of action or energy.

So the sequel and tribute to the most action-packed film in Turkish history, if not in world cinema history, ends up being a torpid, character-driven, melodramatic comedy which at its very best is about half as funny as, say, any given Harvey Korman sketch in The Star Wars Holiday Special. This film is sort of like an existentialist hell that, to quote Sartre, "fumbles and gnaws and never quite hurts enough." It's a weird limbo that's not as painful as shrieking wookie pantomime, or as mind-boggling as minutes on end of footage of someone driving, or as earnestly boring as any given monster movie where 80% of the running time is spent watching guys around a table have conferences and meetings and such while we're just waiting for the monsters to come and eat them all. There are no monsters here except the film itself, and its production values are just high enough to keep it entertaining enough that it's just a constant disappointment.

If that statement doesn't make sense, just let it go. Don't try to find out for yourself. If you want to see a good, recent Turkish sci-fi comedy, get G.O.R.A., which TSW2 very clearly ripped off stylistically. And if you want to see a good Turkish action movie... well, look for anything that's not this.

The following would have made a better, more succinct review, but I figured people would be curious about the actual film. I think this sums it all up, though. I've seen Manos: the Hands of Fate at least five times, and I've watched Night of Horror at least six times. I sat through the entirety of both Zombie Ninja Gangbangers and Zombie! vs. Mardi Gras, and while I relished neither experience, I feel that I at least learned something somehow. But after watching the so-called Turks in Space, aka Turkish Star Wars 2, I mostly just want two hours of my life back.

Labels: Country: Turkey, Science Fiction, Stars: Cuneyt Arkin, Year: 2006