film    print    sound    leisure    forum
company line »

shopping guide »

contact us »

get reviewed »

get published »

expand yourself »


find it »

Teleport City search allows you to search our entire site as well as our favorite sites about cult films, obscure music, literature, and swank living.


film home | a-b | c-d | e-f | g-h | i-l | m-n | o-q | r-s | t-v | w-z

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Battle Beneath the Earth

Release Year: 1967
Country: England, United States
Starring: Kerwin Matthews, Vivienne Ventura, Ed Bishop, Peter Arne, Martin Benson, Peter Elliott, Robert Ayres, Al Mulock, Earl Cameron, John Brandon, Bill Nagy, Sarah Brackett, Paula Li Shiu, David Spenser
Writer: Charles F. Vetter (as L.Z. Hargreaves)
Director: Montgomery Tully
Cinematographer: Kenneth Talbot
Music: Ken Jones
Producer: Charles Reynolds
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


The wonderful thing about Battle Beneath the Earth is that it allows even an underachiever like myself with no college edukation to feel that he has a breadth of scientific knowledge superior to that of its makers. On more than one occasion while watching it I was able to point at the screen and exclaim, "Der, that can't not happen! Har!" For instance, I don't know anything about geology, but I know that molten lava is hot, and that you can't just daintily step over a stream of it as if it were a crack in the sidewalk. Also, if digging a tunnel between China and the U.S. were as easy as this film makes it out to be, China's biggest problem would be the steady influx of six-to-eight year-old American boys constantly emerging from holes hither and yon to excitedly wave their shovels at people.

Battle Beneath the Earth strikes me as being what a movie conceived by one of those six-to-eight year-old boy might be like. It's a film that is clearly targeted directly at the kiddie matinee market, and, as such, seems to bypass all adult sensibilities and mainline directly into the brain patterns of a prepubescent Sixties-era male jacked up on war comics, high sugar cereals and violent Saturday morning cartoons. I mean, listen to this premise: The Red Chinese dig a subterranean tunnel from China to the U.S. with the intent of detonating nuclear bombs under our major cities, only to be engaged by the U.S. armed forces--ideally portrayed by a bunch of green plastic army men--in all-out warfare... beneath the surface of the Earth! Seriously, fellows, if that doesn't stir the kid inside, I don't know what would.




Unfortunately, in execution, Battle Beneath the Earth confronts a discrepancy between ambition and means similar to what an eight year-old likely would. As a result, it ends up being a classic example of the type of movie that marries a grandiose concept to modest intentions. "The Chinese" end up being more like some Chinese (and not even real ones, in many cases) and the "battle" ends up being more like a skirmish. Still, the movie has to be given some points at the get-go for its dopey concept and total disregard for maintaining credulity among anyone whose age breaks the double digits. Then again, given that this is a British production pretending to be an American one, it could just be an instance of some smarty-pants English people making fun of us yanks by dumbing themselves down in imitation. (Executive #1: "So how do we make it seem authentically American?" Executive #2: "Well, first of all, we should make it really stupid.")

In line with its moderate level of spectacle, Battle Beneath the Earth is the work of a group of professionals who shared a more or less equally moderate level of accomplishment. Before helming the picture, director Montgomery Tully churned out--seemingly at monthly intervals--a large number of competent but unremarkable B crime thrillers, and also worked in British television. Similarly, writer Charles F. Vetter (here credited as L.Z. Hargreaves) was responsible for writing enjoyable genre entries like First Man Into Space and Devil Doll that, while certainly not without their well-deserved fans, are far from considered classics. Star Kerwin Matthews, for his part, was known primarily for playing support to stop-motion monsters in films like The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The 3 Worlds of Gulliver and Jack the Giant Killer--though it was possibly his work in eurospy films like the OSS 117 series that put him in mind for his role here--and leading lady Vivienne Ventura had a healthy resume of TV work. All in all, a perfectly respectable line-up of talent, but nowhere near a guaranty that what you're going to be seeing will rise above mediocrity.




Our action begins on a British soundstage dressed up to resemble--at least to a grade schooler's exacting standards of verisimilitude--a street in downtown Las Vegas. As a crowd of British extras doing their best to exude American-ness looks on, obviously over-stressed scientist Arnold Kramer (Peter Arne) kneels with his ear to the sidewalk, exclaiming excitedly about some kind of suspicious goings on "down there". Of course, since the movie is called Battle Beneath the Earth, we know that Kramer is on to something, but the Las Vegas authorities, not being afforded such insight, just think he's a nutter and cart him off to the bin. Kramer, of course, protests to the contrary and insures them that the threat he perceives is real. However, like most supposedly sane people in movies who are assumed to be crazy by everyone else, he steadfastly refuses to state his case in clear, simple terms, and instead resorts to vague, metaphorical language that is as close to incoherent raving as possible.

Enter Naval Commander John Shore, played by Kerwin Matthews. Since an undersea lab project he helmed ended in disaster thanks to a mysterious underwater earthquake, Shore has been relegated to a test lab where he spends his days hitting brightly colored pipes with a rubber mallet. Fortunately, one of his assistants happens to be over-stressed scientist Arnold Kramer's sister, and she asks Shore, an old family friend, to visit her brother in the brain hospital. Kramer is not much more transparent in his statements to Shore, but does show him a "seismographic drawing"--made as a byproduct of some earthquake prediction research he was conducting--that, according to him, shows man-made tunnels under the U.S.that he believes are entering the country somewhere along the Oregon coast. Later, when news breaks of an unexplained mine collapse in an Oregon coastal town, Shore decides that Kramer's claims merit further looking into.




Part of that further looking into involves Shore visiting his buddy Lieutenant Commander Vance Cassidy at the very clearly labeled "Los Alamos (Underground) Atomic Detection Center". Despite the name, the center appears to be some kind of global listening post. They've got "the entire world bugged", Cassidy tells Shore, and if "a champagne cork pops in the Kremlin", they hear it. That this arrangement is unironically presented as being merely sort of neat is in keeping with Battle Beyond the Earth's kid-like perspective, exemplified in this case by a purely "gee-whiz" conception of both the benevolence of military authority and the sleek efficiency of American bureaucracy. This is, after all, a movie where the sight of a uniformed official puffing out his chest and barking gravely into a bright red phone while standing in front of a wall-sized map is treated as being on an equal level of spectacle to any of the action set pieces, and in which, during the cast listing at the end, each of the characters are listed by full name and military ranking, even though some of them weren't even referred to by name in the film... and none of them are real people (seriously, you feel like you're supposed to stand up as they roll by).

The barking of terse commands into red phones is not just noteworthy in itself, of course, but also because it results in important things getting done, and often in remarkable time. At one point, when silence is required in order for the Navy's detecting equipment to identify the locations of the Chinese underground tunnels, Admiral Felix Hillebrand (Robert Ayres) simply picks up the phone and makes a couple of calls, resulting, within just a few hours, in the entire United States going completely silent. All transportation has been shut down, traffic stopped, broadcast signals ceased and all heavy machinery of every kind brought to a halt in every single region of every state in the union. One by one, each of the states checks in with the central command center, letting the brass know that "condition silent" is in effect in their slice of the country--at which point, of course, that state lights up on a giant wall map. These few uniformed men in this room are not just important, Battle Beneath the Earth is saying, but super duper important--so much so that they can toggle the entire country on and off like a light switch.




It's kind of hard to believe that those behind Battle Beneath the Earth meant for any of this to be taken seriously, even by the attention-deficient rugrats at the core of their target audience. This was 1967, after all, and characters such as these were already commonly being presented as either villains or figures of ridicule throughout mainstream entertainment. Most of the military men on display here, with their implied mania for control and obsession with commies, are, in fact, just a few tweaks away from becoming Dr. Strangelove's General Jack D. Ripper. Still, if fun is being made, Battle Beneath the Earth is doing a superhuman job of feigning stone-faced earnestness throughout, never once tipping its hat or giving the audience the slightest glimmer of a wink.

Lieutenant Commander Vance Cassidy, by the way, is portrayed by Ed Bishop, who, of all the actors in Battle Beneath the Earth, probably makes the largest blip on the radar screens of Teleport City's readers. Though he was born in Brooklyn, there was something about Bishop--perhaps his weathered farmboy good looks or unaccented TV announcer's voice--that seems to have struck British casting agents as being quintessentially middle-American, because his early career consisted largely of bit parts as token American astronauts, low level military functionaries and mission control operators in a number of British productions. Around the time of making Battle Beneath the Earth, he was providing the voice of Captain Blue in Gerry Anderson's puppet series Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons. That would lead, a couple of years later, to him donning a platinum wig and taking the lead role of Commander Ed Straker in Anderson's first live action series, UFO--if not the best, than certainly one of the most stylish science fiction programs of the Sixties.




Anyway, Shore's initial visit to the (Underground) Atomic Detection Center proves unfruitful, as Cassidy's equipment is more attuned to picking up Champaign corks popping in the Kremlin than it is hundreds of Chinese burrowing away right beneath our feet. Undaunted, Shore heads to the collapsed mine in Oregon where, while exploring a disused section, he stumbles upon a freshly made tunnel whose walls have apparently been hewn via the application of extraordinary heat. He also finds a medallion that someone has left behind that has a Chinese dragon on it. This discovery leads to Shore being authorized to return to the mine with a small group of combat soldiers. This second time around, Shore and the soldiers happen upon a big yellow tank thing bearing the same dragon insignia as the medallion, which is in the process of carving a tunnel through the rock using high intensity lasers. (These lasers are portrayed by a couple of extra-bright headlamps--but have no fear; the use of drawn-on cartoon laser beams will be used at later points as dramatic effect requires.) They follow the laser tank to an underground chamber in which a number of Asians in lab coats, as well as a few soldiers, are tending to some large, black, lozenge-shaped things which also bear the same dragon insignia. "Chinese!", exclaims one of the soldiers. "With atom bombs!", exclaims Kerwin Matthew in reply.

At this, Shore and company leap from hiding and waste the whole group in a hail of machinegun fire. This tactic, while effective in a very limited sense, leaves quite a few questions with little hope of being answered, such as just who all of these freshly dead Chinese people are working for. As we will soon learn, the answer to that is General Chan Lu, a rogue Chinese officer who has seized his country's plutonium stores and held his government hostage while pursuing his own personal plan to nuke the U.S. to rubble using a system of world-spanning tunnels dug by his private troops over the course of three years. Serving loyally at his side are the evil scientific genius Dr. Kengh Lee and his key military aid Major Chai, both of whom have to compete for attention with his ever-present pet falcon.




Now, as far as I could tell, all of those Chinese military personnel gunned down by Shore and his men, like most of the non-speaking Asian roles in Battle Beneath the Earth, were played by actual Asians, but the door slams pretty hard on race-appropriate casting once we get to the speaking roles. Chan Lu and Kengh Lee, for instance, are played by veteran character actors and British TV stalwarts Martin Benson and Peter Elliott, and they do so in a dispiriting display of the most egregious putty-eyed Orientalism you could imagine. In all seriousness, if there was just one of them it might be easier to get around, but between the two of them they're like a tag team of Fu Manchus trying to out "ah so" one another in a taxing display of excruciating inscrutability. Major Chai, also, is played by a British actor, David Spenser, though in a comparably lower key. It is only Paula Li Shiu, out of all the Asian actors on screen, who gets a speaking role, playing Dr. Arnn, a functionary of Chan Lu's who shows up in one scene to hypnotize a captive Peter Arne using a handheld electric fan.

By the way, out of all the actors in Battle Beneath the Earth, Peter Arne is definitely the one most worth watching. For one thing, he's perfect for a comic book movie like this, because he looks like he was drawn by Steve Ditko; his face a collection of anxious lines that looks like just one more stressor could cause it to collapse in upon itself. Furthermore, in a field of stubbornly one-layered characters, his is the one that strives the most toward three dimensionality. Kramer is conflicted, resentful of his earlier treatment by the military establishment, but driven by a sense of duty once he is called upon to rejoin the cause, and Arne brings a twitchy irascibility to his portrayal that makes him the focus of every scene he's in. Arne was yet another fixture of 1960s British TV (I swear, I don't think there's a single member of the cast of Battle Beneath the Earth who didn't make a guest appearance on Danger Man) and I was sad to learn that he left this world under violent circumstances, the victim of murder in 1983. I wish I could pay him better tribute than simply saying that he was the best actor in Battle Beneath the Earth, but there you go. At least I mean it sincerely.




Now I have to mention here that I will be describing things in Battle Beneath the Earth that will sound much more exciting or colorful than they actually appear on screen. To counter this, I suggest that you apply to every mental image conjured by these descriptions a sort of down-sizing formula, reducing the scale of what you see in your mind by a factor of about, oh, eighty percent or so. For instance, when I describe a clash between Chinese and American soldiers, you might think of it as involving actual armies, when in reality there will be no more than a dozen people on either side. This was done, I imagine, not only to save on the cost of employing extras, but also because that is about as many people as the small sets could accommodate. To give some idea, also, of the level of art direction and set design on display, I should call your attention to the command headquarters of General Chan Lu. It appears to have been staged on a single cave set that was redressed and used for the majority of the film's subterranean locations, and is pretty lazily decorated with whatever could be purchased cheaply and easily from a Chinatown gift shop. There are a couple of Oriental rugs slung on the wall, one of those folding screens, some Chinese lanterns and a couple of dragon statues, etc. Pretty shoddy, really, and fully in keeping with the laziness of the stereotypes portrayed by Benson and Elliott (which is the true source of their offensiveness, really: that they're less the result of racism than they are of the filmmakers just not giving a shit).

Similarly, the high tech headquarters of the Los Alamos (Underground) Atomic Detection Center is comprised of a surprising amount of exposed aluminum sheeting and, if not for all of those colorful wall maps with all their flashing lights to distract us, might look more like the kitchen in a run-down elementary school cafeteria. Finally, on the prop front, the Chinese laser tank is appealing in a life-sized toy kind of way, but looks like it was probably made out of wood, and when the U.S. makes their own version of the tank, it appears to be just the same prop painted blue. (See, theirs is yellow and ours is blue. Blue vs. yellow. Get it?)




So, with all that in mind, let's return to the business of plot synopsis. After successfully defusing all of those atomic bombs (Matthews' Shore is one of those old fashioned omni-abled sci-fi movie heroes that we here love so much: not just good with the science, but also with using his fists and, if the plot requires, dismantling nuclear weapons), Shore and his small team of soldiers are sent back for another foray into the tunnel. This time Chan Lu's men lead them into a trap which is comprised of a bucket of steam-emitting nuclear waste that one of the Chinese soldiers appears to detonate using a Roadrunner-style plunger. What follows is just one of the movie's instances of people running away from a nuclear blast--though, in this case, with only varied success, as many of Shore's men end up getting killed. This is cold realism in action, of course, because everyone knows that you need at least ten minutes to make egress on foot from the effects of an Atomic explosion, which is the reason why Shore and his crew are later able to jog to safety after detonating several full-sized nukes. You can't overemphasize the importance of lead time.

After this failure, team USA gets the jump on Chan Lu thanks to that aforementioned "condition silent" business, and are able to create a brightly-lit wall map showing the locations of his tunnels. Admiral Hillebrand determines that the General's main supply tunnel under the Pacific can be accessed by way of an inactive Hawaiian volcano, and assigns Shore and his men the task of destroying it, while at the same time bringing Kramer back onto the team to create the blue version of the laser tank. It is at this point that we see the eleventh hour introduction of a sexy lady scientist (hey, who let that thirteen year old into the writing session?), Tila Yung, portrayed by Vivienne Ventura. Ventura ends up being a fairly innocuous presence, and provides someone for Shore to mack on during his downtime from saving the world, but she is disconcertingly orange in color, and has a strange vocal inflection that sounds like it's half accent and half speech impediment which I found a little distracting at times.


Anyway, it is in the bowels of the Earth below that Hawaiian volcano that Battle Beneath the Earth's final battle beneath the Earth finally takes place. Of course, the way things work out, it ends up being just Shore, Tila Yung and Sergeant Mulberry (played by Al Mulock, who is sadly probably most famous for committing suicide while in costume during location shooting for Once Upon a Time in the West) holding up our end of the battle. Numbers aren't important, however. What is important is that this battle affords the opportunity for Martin Benson to strut around and make pronouncements like "Our enemies stands naked before us!" and "Logic is the American's god!", and for Shore, Yung and Mulberry to steal some of Chang Lu's soldiers' uniforms and try to imitate Chinese people by speaking English in robot voices, and, finally, for the three of them to stand on a cliff, confusingly looking straight ahead at what is revealed to be an aerial view of a nuclear explosion.

For all its failings, Battle Beneath the Earth is a difficult movie to hate. In my case, this is partly due to it having the disarming quality of seeming like it was the result of someone watching me play army men on my bedroom floor when I was six and then making a movie out of it (though, of course, with much lower production values). In fact, it's difficult to even call it a bad movie. What it is, in reality, is a solidly mediocre movie, though one whose mere adequacy is rendered bad when viewed in comparison to its over-reaching concept. Star Kerwin Matthews, director Tully and scenarist Vetter all contribute valiantly to maintaining that level of mediocrity, insuring that our hero will never diverge from a stubborn, slate-like blandness, that no camera composition will be inventive enough to call attention to itself, and that no situation will be novel enough to deliver any kind of actual surprise. Against that backdrop, the pulse-raising moral offense incited by the minstrelsy of Martin Benson and Peter Elliott actually comes as some kind of gift, as does the genuine quirkiness of Peter Arne's performance.

The way it cagily intertwines itself with childhood nostalgia also makes Battle Beneath the Earth one of those infuriating films that always seems better in recollection than when actually viewed. There's no harm in that, of course, other than that it encourages repeat viewings, which, believe me, the actual film really doesn't hold up to. It's a pleasant enough diversion on the first pass, but once it's done, it's time to close the toy box and move on.

Labels: ,

posted by Todd at | 2 Comments


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Death Trip

Release Year: 1967
Countries: West Gremany, Italy, France, Lebanon, Hungary
Starring: Tony Kendall, Brad Harris, Olga Schoberova, Christa Linder, Dietmar Schonherr, Sabine Sun, Rudolf Zehetgruber (as Rolf Zehett), Herbert Fux, Rossella Bergamonti, Samson Burke, Emilio Carrer, Carlo Tamberlani
Writers: Rudolf Zehetgruber, Giovanni Simonelli, Paul Alfred Muller
Directors: Rudolf Zehetgruber, Gianfranco Parolini
Cinematographers: Georgio Garibaldi Schwarze, Angelo Lozzi
Music: Francesco De Masi ("I Love You, Jo Walker" written by Bobby Gutesha, performed by Angela Monti)
Producers: Fadel Kassar, Theo Maria Werner
Alternate Titles: Kommissar X - Drei Grune Hunde


For me, one of the hazards of watching one of the Kommissar X movies is that it means I'll have that "I Love You, Jo Walker" song stuck in my head for the next two weeks and will be at constant risk of bursting into it at any given moment, which is actually more of a hazard to those around me than it is to myself. Personally, I don't care if the world knows that I love Jo Walker (though my wife might have some questions about it). Given that he's a character with all the depth of a walking Playboy cartoon, it's actually surprising how lovable he can become with repeated exposure. Death Trip, the fourth entry in the Kommissar X series, is also quite lovable, though only once you get past the expectations that it raises and learn to love it for who it really is.

For those familiar with the series, the phrase "Kommissar X on acid" would seem like a redundancy. These movies, as is, are already strange enough to make you suspect that some kind of chemical inspiration was involved in their conception. But "Kommissar X on acid" is exactly what Death Trip, on paper at least, promises us: Our world-hopping team of swinging adventurers/super sleuths, Jo Walker and Tom Rowland, getting entangled in the wild world of LSD trafficking, and even sampling some of the stuff themselves. What's most strange about Death Trip, however, is that, despite it's concept, it somehow manages to be the most low key entry in the series so far. And that's not all bad... in fact, it's not bad at all.




For one thing, unlike the three films that preceded it -- which were all made virtually back-to-back over the course of one year and, as a result, have a very similar feel -- Death Trip gives the impression of having had the benefit of some breathing room. As a result, there is not only a distillation of some of the better elements from the preceding films, but also evidence that, having firmly established the formula, those involved felt they were on sure enough footing to attempt stretching its boundaries a little. In addition, the performances by the two leads, Tony Kendall and Brad Harris, clearly show them settling into their characters, as well as having an intuitive grasp of their relationship. There is less sparring between the two than seen in the earlier films, and what there is of it is more affectionate, cluing us in that Tom Rowland really doesn't hate Walker nearly as much as he sometimes appears to in the other films.

One thing that has not changed from previous entries, though, is the generally good natured tone of the proceedings. And that's a good thing, because once you've sat down and tried to make sense of one of these movies, you really realize just how much they get by on personality. For instance, take that great unsolvable mystery that is at the heart of every Kommissar X film: that of why and in what capacity our two heroes, New York city police captain Rowland and New York private detective Walker, are in whatever exotic foreign locale they're in. In the case of Death Trip, they're in Turkey, and the film begins with Jo Walker in progress, taking on all comers in a wild bar fight while at the same time kissing any cocktail waitress who wanders within his impressive lip-reach. One thug, who we will later learn is a member of the criminal gang the Green Hounds, remarks to another that Walker has been at the bar every night stirring up trouble and had to be dealt with before he learned too much about the gang's operations.




But is Walker really on the trail of The Green Hounds? Later exchanges will reveal that the existence of the gang and their activities are news to him. So why is he in Istanbul? Unless hanging out in shady, gang-infested Turkish bars and getting into fistfights is his idea of a vacation (which, granted, it very well might be), he's presumably there on business -- and given that he's a private detective, that would mean that someone has hired him to be there. But who? And for what? Only frustration awaits those who come to Death Trip expecting clear answers to such questions. For I imagine that if you were to ask anyone behind the scenes, the answer would be a resounding, "Who cares?" The point, after all, is simply to get both Walker and Rowland into the chosen picturesque locale by whatever cursory means possible so that they can proceed with the business of getting into all kinds of entertaining and improbable scrapes and chasing some attractive women around, a goal that clearly overrides any paltry considerations of credibility or logic.

And following that line of reasoning, we're next shown Tom Rowland, a New York City policeman, arriving in Istanbul on a mission from the Pentagon carrying a million dollars worth of LSD, which he is to deliver to the American Consul General, a combination of circumstances that effectively strikes a death blow against whatever remaining intentions I might have had to question the logic of anything that happens in Death Trip. Rowland's stated purpose is to deliver the drugs to the U.S. armed forces in Turkey, with the intention being to help our boys achieve parity with unnamed enemies plotting to undermine NATO's forces by means of making them high out of their minds on acid. (As Rowland says at one point, "Every important nation has a supply of it on hand.") The truth, however, is that Rowland's plan is to use the drugs as bait to draw out a gang of international LSD traffickers, of which the Green Hounds are a part. To that end, the canister of "LSD" that he leaves with the Consul is actually a decoy filled with sugar (a result, I'm guessing, of someone hearing once somewhere that one of the ways people took acid was by lacing sugarcubes with it), though for reasons I won't speculate upon, he also has a stash of the real stuff which he keeps to himself.




At the consulate, Rowland meets Allan Hood (Dietmar Schonherr), a NATO military advisor, and Joyce Sellers (Sabine Sun), the Consul General's secretary. Joyce, we will soon learn, is secretly a member of the Green Hounds, so it's no surprise when, later that night, Joyce and a mysterious second party return to steal the putative canister of yellow sunshine from the Consul's safe. Unfortunately, in an especially taxing earlier bit of needlessly complicated plotting, Hood had made arrangements with his brother, the owner of a tourist service, to provide a guide for Rowland during his stay, and for some reason that brother shows up at the consulate with that guide in the middle of the night, just as the heist is taking place. Hood's brother is captured by the villains and presumably killed, but the guide, a young woman named Leyla (Olga Schoberova) manages to escape and, as a result, lands right at the top of the Green Hounds' hit list.

Meanwhile, Jo Walker returns to that shady bar he was seen trashing at the beginning of the movie and makes contact with a young American girl named Jenny Carter (Rossella Bergamonti), who, judging by their conversation, is working as a prostitute, and who, furthermore, appears to have some connection with the Green Hounds. Out of my own childish clinging to restrictive notions of coherence, I decided to make this the reason for Walker being in Istanbul -- i.e. that he has been hired by Jenny's family to bring her back to the States -- even though that is in no way made explicit. In any case, this scene occasions one of the members of the Green Hounds approaching Walker and asking him if he'd be interested in a little LSD, which occasions Walker telling him that LSD is bad and, once Jenny has rejoined him, telling her, also, that LSD is bad.

To be honest, there's something a bit dissonant about seeing the Kommissar X boys lecturing people about the dangers of drugs the way they do in this film, especially in the case of Jo Walker, who seems like the kind of guy who would try anything at least once. It has a whiff of the obligatory about it, reminding me of those times when my cool aunt, under coercion from my mother, would give me a talking to about the risks of smoking -- something she would do hastily and half-heartedly in between long drags on a Camel. So when Walker extols the virtues of Scotch to Jenny while warning her of the comparative evils of acid, as much as I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment today, I find it a bit disconcerting to see him landing so squarely on the establishment side of the 60s culture war. Especially considering that the freshly illegalized drug had only very recently made the transition from being the subject of mildly naughty cocktail party conversation among middle-aged swingers to being pilloried as a scourge of youth. Adding to this ill-fittingly stolid characterization is the fact that Death Trip seems to employ the term LSD as sort of a generic catch-all for drugs of all species, since, given the locale and a lot of the effects they're attributing to the drug, it seems like heroin would have been a more appropriate choice of chemical villain. It kind of reminds me of those people who refer to any music of any degree of aggressiveness beyond that of the most mainstream pop as "Hard Rock".




Not that I'm any expert on the subject of drugs, of course. Or, at least, I don't consider myself to be one. In fact, given the circles I once traveled in, I feel that my youthful indiscretions in that area were fairly moderate in scope. Though I must admit that others don't agree. Recently, at a dinner to honor a certain life passage of mine, I sat in stunned silence as one of my oldest friends regaled some of my not-quite-so-old friends with tales of what a disgusting drug whore I used to be. So, okay: it was the 80s, I was a young musician and aspiring hipster living on my own in the big-ish city for the first time -- and keep in mind that this was way before the concept of "straight edge" was invented, when it was still inconceivable that you could have any kind of "edge" at all without shoveling all kinds of illicit substances into your face (Keith may correct me on that point, but just ignore him) -- so perhaps I did "experiment" a little. But I never did LSD. Well, okay, just the once.

The fact is that, at that time, I found maintaining control enough of a struggle as it was, and so preferred those substances that gave me delusions of mastery over those that made me feel like my head was separating into individual parts. Still, there came a time when I decided that, in order to be a more well-rounded degenerate, I needed to sample psychedelics. So a friend -- of course, that very same friend who would years later point the accusing stinkfinger of drug whoredom at me -- procured us some LSD, which, indicative of the drug lightweights we really were beneath our cultivated exteriors, we made a date (a "drug date", if you will) to consume, rather than simply scarfing it all down the moment it came into our hands. That date rolled around, a warm and sunny Sunday afternoon in the middle of Summer, and he, myself and a third friend ate our drugs and hit the streets. With characteristic transparent bravura, I expressed skepticism that the dose would have any effect on me at all.




Now, the thing that I recall about psychedelics is that, because they make you very receptive to outside stimuli -- and in very unpredictable ways -- it's very important to do them in an environment that's as free as possible of unpleasant stressors. So why we decided to go to Fisherman's Wharf, somewhere no one who actually lives in San Francisco ever goes, and which at that time of the year would be packed shoulder to shoulder with loudly-dressed tourists and their shrieking children, I will never know. But it was probably my idea. Anyway, once the chemicals started kicking in, we quickly realized that we had concocted the perfect recipe for a bad trip, and quickly tried to get to safety before we saw anything that would scar our minds forever. Unfortunately, in the course of our scramble to sanctuary, I saw the following: (1) A kid in a cardboard Burger King crown who, hoisted up on his dad's shoulders, appeared to be hovering above the crowd, which caused me to exclaim loudly, "It's the king!' (2) An old Chinese man with an enormous goiter; and (3) once we were in the presumed shelter of a darkened bar, on the TV that Twisted Sister video where the guy from Animal House looks into the camera--right at YOU, man!--and shouts, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?" Truly, even today, as I describe them, all of these sights flash in my mind with a horrible vividness, illuminated with the blinding clarity of a million hateful suns, much like a flashback in a David Fincher movie. So, needless to say, I never did that again.

Anyway, back in the world of Death Trip, the Green Hounds decide to take care of Walker by dosing his delicious Scotch with LSD. This has the somewhat muted effect of making him just a bit nonconfrontational and indecisive, and also nervous about handling handguns -- in other words, a lot like most normal people. As disappointing as this is to those of us who were wanting to see a full-scale Jo Walker freakout, it's also a little refreshing by comparison to other anti-drug movies of the period, which all would have had Walker shouting "I can fly!" and running headlong toward the nearest window. Thankfully, before Walker can make the decision to quit adventuring and pursue an undistinguished career in office management, the bar's cigarette girl, Gisela (Christa Linder), causes a diversion and helps him to escape. A chase follows that ends with him taking a flying leap into the Bosphorus, after which he emerges at the exact spot where Rowland and Leyla are sightseeing, providing the opportunity for Walker and Rowland to do their usual meet cute.

Once the only slightly addled Walker makes his way back to his hotel room, he finds it occupied by one of the Green Hounds' goons, Shapiro (Herbert Fux), and by Jenny, whom Shapiro has overdosed and placed in Walker's bed with the intention of framing him for her murder. After tricking the none-too-bright Shapiro, Walker escapes, and a nicely shot daylight foot chase follows that makes the most of the film's Istanbul location (and which covers some territory familiar from similar scenes in the Kilink movies). Finally, Walker finds shelter, along with Rowland, in Leyla's houseboat, and Leyla introduces the pair to her neighbor Alman.




Now, Alman, aside from Walker and Rowland, is probably the most important character in Death Trip. Though he's described as a fisherman, what he really is is this movie's all purpose deus ex machina, stepping up with some new, previously undisclosed skill or area of expertise whenever the script requires it. He's a doctor (thanks to working as a veterinarian's assistant in Kentucky) when Walker needs a shot to bring him down from his LSD high, an expert marksman (thanks to a stint in vaudeville) when some fancy shooting is required, and, when exposition about the bogus history of barbarian tribes in Turkey is needed, a former student of archeology. He even proves to be an accomplished balladeer -- complete with his own canned orchestral accompaniment -- when the filmmakers determine that Death Trip, not quite containing enough amiable silliness as is, needs a third act musical number. To ice the cake, Alman, thanks to the four-legged residents of his ark-like houseboat, also insures that Death Trip contain more adorable puppies than any other entry in the Kommissar X series, hands down. In short, a character like Alman is the lazy screenwriter's best friend.

And who, in this case, is that lazy screenwriter? Why, it's Alman, of course! And he's also the director! In fact, writer/director Rudolf Zehetgruber had already appeared on screen in his previous Kommissar X entry, Death is Nimble, Death is Quick, using, as he does here, the name Rolf Zehet, which was just one of many screen aliases he used over the course of his career. Unfortunately, Death Trip takes most of the joy out of making fun of the whole over-reliance on Alman thing by making it clear that all involved were well aware of how gratuitous it was and, in typical fashion, pushing it to tongue-in-cheek extremes. Curse you Kommissar X! (In truth, as someone charged with summarizing the plot of this movie, I was very happy to see Alman come along, because it meant that we could dispense with all of this "so-and-so's brother is a tour guide and knows a girl, etc." nonsense and simply have all plot points from that point on established with the actions of just one character.)

Aside from that insatiable glory hog Zehetgruber, the cast of Death Trip, like that of any other entry in the Kommissar X series -- or, heck, of any other Eurospy film, for that matter -- is littered with faces recognizable to anyone well-versed in 1960s European B cinema. Dietmar Schonherr, who plays Allan Hood, is probably best known for his lead role as Commander Cliff McClaine -- the Teutonic Captain Kirk with a smirky attitude -- in the German science fiction series Raumpatrouille Orion. Because of his commanding presence in that series, I was surprised that he makes so little of an impression here, despite having a substantial role. Having a much slighter role, but making a more substantial impression -- because she's hot -- is the beautiful Christa Linder, who plays the cigarette girl Gisela. Linder really made the rounds in the worldwide B movie industry during the sixties, and even did a stint in Mexico, where she became an inadvertent co-star to Teleport City's favorite luchadore, Blue Demon. This occurred after her actual co-star in Invasion of the Dead, the escape artist Zovek, died during filming and the producers used totally unrelated footage of Blue puttering around in what looked like a high school's boiler room to pad out the running time. Linder gets a decidedly better showcase in Death Trip, even if she is forced to wear her skimpy cigarette girl uniform throughout the entire length of the movie.




Once Death Trip has gotten Walker and Rowland effectively teamed up and its villains clearly established, it proceeds with a series of set pieces in which the gang make alternating attempts to kill both Leyla and Jenny, all of which are foiled in high style by Jo and Tom. Finally the Green Hounds, realizing that Rowland has pulled a switch-a-roo on them with the LSD, kidnap him in order to get him to divulge where the real stash is hidden. Rowland ends up imprisoned along with Leyla, Giselda and Hood in the Hounds' desert camp, which is located in a network of caves in a region aptly named the Valley of a Thousand Hills. It's up to Walker to rescue him, and in the attempt he employs a desert sheik disguise that, for all its ridiculousness, is still less silly than the lemonade vendor get-up he sports in an earlier sequence. Death Trip then goes all Lawrence of Arabia as Walker and Alman caravan across the desert, finally finding their way to the Hounds' lair. Then, during a pretty spectacular mounted raid by the Turkish police, Walker manages to effect Rowland's escape, setting in motion a truly action packed climax.

While it's Tony Kendall who gets top billing, it's Brad Harris, with his rough and tumble stunt work, who can always be counted on to provide the bulk of the Kommissar X films' action highlights, and, after that fashion, Harris completely owns the final twenty minutes of Death Trip. In a sequence in which Rowland eludes his captors after escaping from his desert prison, we watch Harris careening recklessly down the sheer faces of some very steep dunes like a bobsledder without a sled. Then he engages in a prolonged and brutal hand-to-hand fight with Canadian wrestler-turned-actor Samson Burke (playing the Hounds' muscle-bound strongman Kehmal) that sees the actors furiously hurling one another through walls like a pair of human wrecking balls. Finally there is a wild motorcycle chase across the dunes that ends with Harris making a leap from his bike into a moving car. Harris is clearly having a blast during all of this, and in the dune-surfing sequence in particular, a huge grin is clearly visible on his face throughout. That might serve to undermine any sense of real peril or suspense that these scenes might otherwise have had, but, more importantly, Harris's giddy demeanor highlights everything that this particular series is all about: fun at the expense of all else. That the result is so enjoyable makes it all the more sad that such undisguised eagerness to entertain seems today to be so quaint and old fashioned.




Another notable difference between Death Trip and its predecessors in the series is that its dubbing is done by a different and less recognizable cast of voice actors than that employed for the first three. I actually missed those familiar voices at first, but then came to prefer their absence, because, to tell the truth, it's a lot less distracting when you're not hearing Racer X's voice coming out of Brad Harris' mouth. Given the general and very hard to argue with opinion that all dubbing is bad, it's easy to forget that there are actual degrees of quality involved. Of course, the dubbing for 80s kung fu movies would have to represent the absolute bottom of the scale, and Death Trip resides quite a bit higher than that. For instance, at no time did I -- as I have with other Eurospy films -- feel that I was simply watching live actors acting out the soundtrack of a cartoon. This in turn helped me to maintain my illusion that what was being presented on screen was actually happening, and that Tom Rowland and Jo Walker were my friends, and that we were maybe going to start a band together. What?

For all the enjoyment I got out of it, Death Trip is not without its problems. Firstly, it's a little top heavy with characters, a problem that could have been solved by introducing all-purpose Alman about twenty minutes earlier. Secondly, because the leader of the Green Hounds is not revealed until the very end, the film for most of its running time lacks the type of over-the-top villain that has served these movies so well in the past. Thirdly, it makes Jo Walker and Tom Rowland both look like somebody's dad by having them lecture people about drugs -- though thankfully that's dispensed with pretty quickly. Still, it's difficult to determine how much weight to give such concerns when they occur within a context as blissfully weightless as a Kommissar X movie. Personally, I'd prefer to roll with Death Trip and ride the high. Any more serious consideration that that and I fear that Death Trip might just turn around and laugh in my face.

However, for those of you who do choose to approach Death Trip with a serious mind, Death Trip will reward you for your efforts by way of a closing gag involving a talking donkey. If you haven't gotten the joke by then, you really are tripping.

Labels: , , , ,

posted by Todd at | 0 Comments


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Asia-Pol

Release Year: 1967
Country: Hong Kong/Japan
Starring: Jimmy Wang Yu, Joe Shishido, Fang Ying, Wang Hsieh, Ruriko Asaoka, Cheung Pooi-Saan, Yuen Sam.
Writer: Gan Yamazaki
Director: Akinori Matsuo
Cinematographer: Kazumi Iwasa
Music: Toshiro Mayuzumi
Producer: Run Run Shaw
Original Title: Ajia Himitsu Keisatsu
Availability: Buy it from Yes Asia.


It was not an unusual practice for Hong Kong's powerhouse Shaw Brothers studio to participate in international co-productions during its heyday, and the result of that practice was often some fairly unique screen pairings. For instance, there was British horror icon Peter Cushing teaming up with kung fu badass David Chiang in The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, and the Sentimental Swordsman himself, Ti Lung, trading lines with American TV movie staple and Night of the Lepus star Stuart Whitman in Shatter. But the 1967 spy thriller Asia-Pol stands out in particular for being a potential wet dream for fans of 1960s Asian action cinema. This participation between Shaw and Japan's Nikkatsu - the studio that trademarked its own distinctive brand of hardboiled action cinema during the late fifties and sixties - boasts two stars who have, respectively, come to represent more than any others the identity of each of those studios at that moment in their histories.

The mid sixties was, financially speaking, a dark time for the Japanese film industry, with television's negative impact on the big studios' coffers reaching critical mass. This situation created two conditions that were to prove advantageous to the then peaking Shaw Brothers operation; namely, a large number of newly unemployed Japanese film technicians--many accomplished directors and cinematographers among them--and an increased openness on the part of the major studios to cash infusions from foreign film companies. Shaw Brothers head Run Run Shaw, always seeking ways to increase his company's efficiency and productivity--as well as its scope and influence--had made a policy of participation and talent exchange with the Japanese film industry, based on the idea that exposure to its rigorous standard of craftsmanship could only stand to improve that of his own homegrown talent pool.




This international cross-pollination was not an entirely new practice for Shaw; the studio had, for instance, co-produced films with both Toho and Daiei during the fifties. But it saw, thanks in part to the aforementioned changes in the Japanese industry's fortunes, a greatly increased prevalence during the mid sixties, with Shaw not only sending its actors and technicians to Japan for training, but also importing Japanese talent for work on its own films. Among these imports were a number of directors who would turn out a wide range of successful--and not so successful--films for the studio--though they would often do so under assumed Chinese names, in order to avoid running afoul of anti-Japanese sentiment among the intended audience. These included the prolific Umetsugu Inoue, whose many colorful contributions to the Shaw catalog include the musicals Hong Kong Nocturne and Hong Kong Rhapsody, and Koh Nakahira--aka Yeung Shu Hei--who directed such films as Trapeze Girl, Diary of a Lady Killer and Inter-pol. Also on this list is Matsuo Akinori--aka Mai Chi-Ho--who, while continuing to direct pictures for Japan's Nikkatsu, would also helm the Lily Ho vehicle The Lady Professional and, during the peak years of Shaw's Hong Kong/Japan synergy, the film we're discussing here, Asia-Pol.

Asia-Pol in many ways fits in with the spate of James Bond knock-offs--such as Angel with the Iron Fists, Summons to Death and The Golden Buddha--that Shaw turned out between 1966 and 1968, but also exhibits some significant differences that can most likely be chalked up to its Nikkatsu pedigree. For one, while the action of those aforementioned films was largely limited to what could be shot on the sound stages and back lots of Shaw's Movie Town facility, Asia-Pol is distinguished by a great deal of location shooting set on the streets of Japan, Hong Kong and Macao. This is a style of shooting that the Japanese crew, accustomed to the gritty, street-bound look of Nikkatsu's violent yakuza thrillers, would have been considerably more at ease with than would the Shaw's technicians. Likewise, Asia-Pol's script, written by veteran Nikkatsu scribe Gan Yamazaki (who also wrote Nikkatsu's sole entry in the kaiju eiga genre, Gappa, the Triphibean Monster, as well as the colorfully titled Seijun Suzuki picture Detective Bureau 23: Go To Hell Bastards) gives us an espionage yarn that's considerably more down-to-Earth than the campy nonsense that Shaw would typically serve up, entirely free of hooded super villains and sci-fi inspired underwater lairs.




This is not to say, of course, that Asia-Pol lacks that one far-fetched element key to all 1960s spy films: the suave and limitlessly masterful super agent. And here that super agent is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, a young Chinese actor who, at the time of filming Asia-Pol, was on the cusp of becoming one of Shaw Brothers' biggest stars. Of course, the phenomenal success of The One Armed Swordsman, released that same year, would not only change the career course of Wang Yu, its star, but also of Shaw Brothers itself, steering the studio's martial arts output away from the mannered female swordsman films of the early sixties and toward the violent and hyper-masculine, kung fu driven films that its director, Chang Cheh, would come to specialize in. For Wang Yu's part, it was just the beginning of a series of films that would make him one of the most recognizable faces in sixties martial arts cinema.

In Asia-Pol, Wang Yu plays Yang Ming Xuan, a top agent in the Japanese branch of Asia-Pol, a fictional pan-Asian Pacific police organization so secret that's it's doings are apparently unknown even to the governments and law enforcement of the countries in which they operate. (Yang is a resident Japanese of Chinese descent, thanks to him being adopted by a Japanese couple after being apparently orphaned in Hong Kong during the war.) As the film opens, Asia-Pol is in the process of trying to shut down a criminal organization that is smuggling large quantities of gold into Japan by refining it into phonograph components. Yang Ming Xuan succeeds in intercepting the latest truckload of contraband, but the criminals stage a brazen helicopter attack, ruthlessly eliminating their own operatives and destroying most of the shipment before it can be confiscated. In the process, Ming Xuan's partner is killed, and the young agent is brought to the unwelcome attention of the leader of the smuggling operation, a suave and psychotic operative known (in the subtitles, at least) simply as George.




Playing George is Japanese actor Shishido Jo, aka Joe Shishido. Shishido, a Nikkatsu contract player, began his career with the studio as a romantic lead, but soon found himself lost in an over-crowded field. Wanting to give himself a distinctive edge, he went under the surgeon's knife, emerging with moviedom's most exaggerated pair of cheek bones this side of Chip and Dale. This transformation had the intended effect, leading to a successful rebirth as a screen tough guy--and, by the mid sixties, he was one of Nikkatsu's biggest stars, portraying an assortment of stylish assassins in a series of tailor-made screen vehicles. Shishido's bizarre appearance and unhinged intensity would make him a natural favorite for maverick director Seijun Suzuki and, by the time of making Asia-Pol, he had already starred in two of Suzuki's standout films, Youth of the Beast and Gate of Flesh. That same year, 1967, would see him star in Suzuki's most infamous work, the hallucinatory Branded to Kill, a film that would simultaneously cement Suzuki's reputation while destroying his career as a director. Anyone who has seen that film knows that it is memorable as much for Shishido's ferocious performance as for its director's audacious style.

Shortly after Ming Xuan's foiling of their latest smuggling attempt, George's gang assassinates a man known as Yang Zhang Qing, who is suspected of being the leader of the criminal organization's Hong Kong operation. Upon being informed of this by his superiors, Ming Xuan volunteers that he believes Yang Zhang Qing may be his real father and that, if so, could not have been a witting participant in the organization's criminal activity. With this revelation, Asia-Pol introduces a sub-plot involving long lost siblings and vengeance of family honor that seems more like something out of an Indian masala film than a pan-Asian action thriller. After Ming Xuan is sent to Hong Kong to locate the gang's refining operation, he encounters a young woman, Ming Hua, who turns out to be a sister he never knew he had, and together the two set out to bring down George and clear their late father's name. Meanwhile, we learn that George is something of a loose cannon within his organization, a circumstance which leads to some violent internecine squabbles. From this point on, the film's action ping pongs back and forth between Hong Kong and Macao (the location of a gang-owned casino that is the front for its refining operation), with Ming Xuan and George likewise switching back and forth between predator and prey, all leading up to an abrupt conclusion aboard a Japan-bound freighter.




With its cinematography by Nikkatsu regular Kazumi Iwasa, Asia-Pol is, above all else, a gorgeously shot motion picture. Its abundance of imaginatively lensed location footage makes it an alluring moving postcard of 1960s era Hong Kong and Macao, if nothing else. But watching it, you get the sense that its makers were content to have the picture coast on its good looks alone, as the film's dramatic and action set pieces, while always adequate, never seem to aspire to anything beyond that. Nowhere do you get the sense of a real desire to thrill that you do with, say, some of the better Eurospy films of the era, loaded as those are with outrageous situations and colorful gimmicks. Furthermore, those spy movie tropes that Asia-Pol does pay service to seem to be, while still fun to watch, somewhat rote and obligatory (the gimmick of Asia-Pol's Japanese HQ being entered through the fitting room of a tailor's shop, for instance, is lifted of a piece from the TV series The Man From U.N.C.L.E.). Still, to be fair, it should be noted that this comparatively unadorned narrative approach is in service of a plot considerably more complex than that of the typical secret agent potboiler of the era--even if that plot is diluted somewhat by the Bollywood-style family drama subplot referred to earlier.

But Asia-Pol's weakest point has to be Jimmy Wang Yu himself. Slight, boyish, and with a tendency to pout, Wang Yu is simply too lightweight to hold the film's center--or to stand up to the inevitable comparisons that the role he's been given invites. It's hard to imagine that any of Shaw's other 007 surrogates--such as The Golden Buddha's Paul Chang or Summons to Death's Tang Ching--wouldn't have been able to do a better job of commanding the screen. (Given Wang Yu's career defining roles in the One Armed Swordsman and One Armed Boxer films, I've got to wonder if he might have held more interest here if he'd been missing a limb.) The script, furthermore, does Wang Yu no favors, as the elements of family drama he's forced to play out simply serve to highlight his somewhat juvenile emotional range.




Shishido Jo, on the other hand, effortlessly exudes a very adult sense of authority and menace, which, as a result, makes those scenes in which he and Wang Yu face off come off like a disciplinary session between an exceptionally hip and borderline-maniacal parent and a petulant teenager. Whether it is because of this under-matched casting or simply the difficulties of working outside of his comfort zone, Shishido seems to be a little toned down here. Still, "toned down", in comparison to Shishido's performances in Gate of Flesh and Branded to Kill, leaves quite a wide margin for inspired, idiosyncratic villainy, and Shishido still delivers enough of his trademark combination of cool and crazy to easily walk away with the show.

Despite not being all that it could have been, Asia-Pol is nonetheless enjoyable. It has a budgetary sheen well beyond that of the typical releases from either studio at the time and, as a result, still has the feel of being something of an event picture. Furthermore, while it never threatens to overwhelm you with excitement, it moves along at a brisk, tightly edited pace, and is never less than engaging. Helping considerably to drive it along is a brassy original score by Toshiro Mayuzumi, which further sets the film apart from Shaw's typical spy output, given the latter's tendency to simply pilfer musical cues from You Only Live Twice. Still, being uniquely the product of, not just one, but two distinct cinematic golden ages, it cannot help but leave one with a sense of missed potential.




Within just a few years of Asia-Pol's release, Nikkatsu hit financial rock bottom and was forced to retool itself from being a purveyor of action films to the stylish kink of the more lucrative Roman Porno films it became known for in the seventies. Shaw Brothers, on the other hand, would remain a dominant force in the world of martial arts cinema for most of the next decade, though advances in the state of the art and competition from emerging studios would force them out of the game by the mid-eighties. Though one couldn't reasonably expect a hybrid product like Asia-Pol to provide a real taste of what distinguished each of these studios during those respective lost eras, it is a film worth seeing for its novelty value, as well as one that is solidly entertaining when taken on its own terms. In other words, it's a footnote, but a highly enjoyable one as footnotes go.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Todd at | 0 Comments


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Kilink Strip and Kill

Release Year: 1967
Country: Turkey
Starring: Yildirim Gencer, Sevda Nur, Suzan Avci, Devlet Devrim, Reha Yurdakul, Meric Basaran, Cahit Irgat.
Writer: Yilmaz Atadeniz
Director: Yilmaz Atadeniz
Cinematographer: Ali Ugur
Music: John Barry and James Bernard, among others, though I doubt any of them were aware of their contributions to the Kilink franchise
Producer: Yilmaz Atadeniz and Seref Gur
Original Title: Kilink Soy ve Oldur
Availability: Buy it from Xploited Cinema.



Upon sitting down to write a review of the third film in the long-running Turkish Kilink series, I feared I had painted myself into a bit of a corner. As much as I love the Kilink films -- and believe me, I love them -- I didn't know exactly what was left to say about them. Other than a couple paragraphs dedicated to recounting the basic plot of the film, there was precious little back material I could use to fill in a whole review. Kilink's dubious history as a copyright violation of a copyright violation was covered in previous reviews. Its growth out of the Italian fumetti and fumetti-inspired films was similarly covered. Since solid information on Turkish cult cinema is difficult to find, even in the Turkish language, I wasn't really brimming over with a wealth of material I could fall back on. And yet, I find that I am both physically and mentally incapable of not reviewing a movie called Kilink Strip and Kill in which a grown man dresses up in a skeleton themed body stocking and punches out dudes with thick Luis Tiant mustaches and black suits with white ties.

However, after finishing the movie, which I have to say is the best of the three Kilink films I've had a chance to see, I discovered that I was in luck, at least to some small degree, for Strip and Kill does offer up a couple topics worth exploring further. Chief among those would be the fact that Kilink begins, against the better efforts of the first two movies, to follow the same trajectory as Kriminal and Killing, the two skeleton-suit sporting Italian super-villains who quickly became celebrated anti-heroes no matter how dastardly and devious their schemes may have been.


Turkish adventure cinema was, traditionally, characterized by a very clear cut definition of good and evil. You knew who the hero was, and you knew you were going to root for the hero. Plus, you knew that, despite all obstacles thrown into his path, the hero was going to triumph. Turkish audiences did not appreciate ambivalence, shades of grays, or the concept of the anti-hero. Although Turkish cinema often looked to the West and their roots in Europe for inspiration and source material, the Turkish preference for clear cut heroes and villains was one very much in line with the Eastern roots -- specifically, the films of India, where a similar preference for explicitly drawn borders between good and evil were the order of the day.

When Kilink first found his way onto Turkish movie screens, he fit very comfortably into this mold. Kilink was vile. He was pitted against a do-gooding magical flying superman in striped undies, and there was no doubt that you were supposed to be rooting for the good guy. There were several problems with this, however. First, though it may have one foot in Europe and the other in Central Asia, but there was no way the social turmoil of the 1960s was going to fail to have an effect on Turkey. Europe was cranking out all sorts of films that were infused with the decade's paranoia and distrust of authority figures, as well as reflecting the overall disillusionment with the concept of clear-cut good. Less socially important, but perhaps more likely the more probably main cause, Kilink was just way cooler than Superhero. I mean, sure, Superhero had Batman's mask, and a suit with padded muscles built into it. And he had those striped panties that I'm pretty sure he bought at Phantom's last Skull Cave yard sale. And he could fly and lift large slabs of granite in order to impress Odin or whoever the hell that old man was who randomly appeared in a cemetery and gave him all those powers.


But the problem Superhero faced, and the problem many superheroes face, is that it's way more fun to explore the bad guy's character. Superhero may have been the good guy, but the movie was called Kilink Istanbul'da. Superhero got his name in the second film, Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi, but it was almost an afterthought. It was clear, even by the second film, that people were coming to the theater to see Kilink. And why not? Superhero behaved properly and, when not bust flying, lived a quiet, typical life, so long as "quiet, typical life" includes being friends with scientists who have a tendency to be stalked by murderous madmen in skeleton costumes. But while Superhero was busy sitting in a living room, drinking tea and making plans for a picnic, Kilink was dressed up as a skeleton, making love to a procession of gorgeous ladies, watching scantily clad dancing girls, kidnapping scientists, and shooting chumps with his Luger. You sort of hit a dead end exploring a one-dimension good guy, but a bad guy? There's almost no end to the wild exploits in which you can involve the bad guy.

Of course, then arises the question of at what point does the bad guy stop being the bad guy? In the case of Kilink, it happens with Kilink Strip and Kill. Where as he'd spent the last two movies menacing Turkey and killing innocent people, the Kilink we meet in this film -- while still obviously the same man -- is gently transported into the realm of only killing the criminal and corrupt. He's still out to steal gold and foil the cops, but the days when he was kidnapping the hero's pretty wife and slapping her around have been quickly dismissed. In fact, Superhero disappears entirely from this film, which picks up immediately after Kilink's apparent death at Superhero's hands while fighting atop a tower. Even though the final scene of Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi becomes the first scene of Kilink Strip and Kill, there is absolutely no mention of Superhero. It is as if he never existed. It is obvious that, even though he's still dressed as a skeleton and calling women "baby," the nominal protagonist this time around, and the obvious focus of the film, is Kilink.


In this sense, Kilink follows the exact same path as Killing, the Italian comic book and photo-novel character who "inspired" Kilink. Killing was, himself, a thinly veiled -- or not veiled at all -- rip-off of Kriminal, who was himself heavily influenced by the grand-daddy of all Italian fumetti anti-heroes, Diabolik. If Diabolik was a Cecil B. DeMille epic, and Kriminal was the lavish Dino De Laurentis copy, then Killing was the sleazy Cannon Group version of that (never mind that the Diabolik film really was a Dino De Laurentis production). Killing was a flat-out jerk. Rapist, madman, blackmailer, extortionist, not to mention prone to brandishing his pistol while women clung longingly to his leg. And yet, no matter how vile he behaved, no matter what horrifying scheme he dreamed up, Killing became if not a "good" guy, then at least an anti-hero. It would seem inevitable, then, that the same fate would befall Kilink, even given the difference in aesthetic between Turkish and other European audiences. And so, with this film, it comes to pass.

We open, as I said, with the scene from the last film in which Kilink falls to his death, yet still manages to taunt the assembled crowds via a public address system that seems to have been set up specifically so Kilink could taunt people. There is, as best as anyone can tell, absolutely no way Kilink could have escaped his fate. He is fighting Superhero. He falls to his death in the middle of a gathering of onlookers. The police are already on the scene and examining Kilink's body. And yet all of a sudden, Kilink is somewhere else, laughing into the PA system and probably intentionally causing it to emit ear-piercing feedback...because that's just how evil Kilink is, baby! Strip and Kill sees no real reason to reconcile Kilink's apparent escape from death with any sort of serial-like unseen twist. It simply assumes that the best thing to do is say, "Here is Kilink's dead body...oh no!" without any proper explanation of how he goes from being a corpse getting poked at by cops to being a guy sitting in his posh living room, drinking martinis with his sexy girlfriend, Suzy (Suzan Avci, reprising her role from the first two films). Writer-director Yilmaz Atadeniz's attitude toward this seems to be, "Look, do you want a convoluted explanation of how Kilink escaped, or do you just want to watch a guy dressed as a skeleton punch out a dude with an eyepatch?" And I think the right decision was made.


We soon learn that Kilink has to attend a conference in New York, and I was instantly chilled by the thought of Kilink checking his Blackberry obsessively while sitting in a board room where Killing was explaining the robust, enterprise-wide solution that would shift the paradigm of the entire "grown men dressed up as skeletons" corporation. That said, I also started thinking about how much cooler my own conferences and meetings would be if I or someone started showing up to them wearing a black body stocking with bones painted on it. Anyway, it turns out that Kilink's conference is actually comprised of members of a secret criminal society who all wear hoods when they gather -- even though they all already know each other, and they all take their hoods off as soon as the meeting is adjourned. Kilink, it seems, was not officially invited to the pow-wow, but that doesn't stop him from showing up, killing one of the criminals, and taking his place.

It seems this mysterious group is determined to steal microfilm that details the location of Turkey's various missile defense installations. Kilink seems to take some degree of personal offense at this, even though he just spent the entire last two movies menacing Turkey with a flame thrower and assorted taunts. I reckon he figures threatening Turkey is his birthright, and he's not going to let some uppity bunch of outsiders intrude on his turf. As far as Turkey itself is concerned, if you spent the last two movies being terrorized by a guy dressed as a skeleton, having your next threat be from a group of regular old gangsters just seems sort of underwhelming. Things get complicated for Kilink when a rival Turkish crime boss gets in on the picture, introducing as well a subplot about stolen gold that Kilink is going to want to be having for himself. The entire thing ends up with Kilink playing the good guy as he systematically dismantles and destroys the two criminal/spy rings -- and by systematic, I mean he disguises himself, then a few seconds later rips off the disguise and yells "Kilink is here!" while diving off a hill and onto a group of stuntmen.

The story for Strip and Kill was apparently lifted more or less wholesale from an issue of the Killing photo-comics. Unlike the previous films, which existed within the realm of superhero fantasy thanks to the presence of Superhero/Superman, Strip and Kill is pure Eurospy/fumetti adventure. There are no magic powers, no ancient gods appearing in a puff of smoke -- just a dude in a skeleton suit scheming against a bunch of guys in skinny ties. Strip and Kill eschews the trappings of old Superman adventures and exists solely within the realm of James Bond and Diabolik. The series benefits from this departure. Injecting a superhero into the fumetti formula was fun on a purely "what the hell am I witnessing" level, but as a whole, it just didn't click. Superhero seemed like a guy who wandered in from an entirely different movie, and when your character is invincible and super-strong and fighting henchmen whose sole power is to wear genie pants and sultan shirts with a giant "K" taped to them, it doesn't make for especially thrilling action sequences. You know you're mostly going to see a shot of someone throwing something at Superhero, followed by a shot of that object bouncing harmlessly off his chest. With the yoke of superpowers removed from the formula, however, Strip and Kill is free to cram itself full of kinetic fight scenes involving Kilink kicking people and jumping off overpasses. Neither of the previous two films were short on action, but with the super powered guy discarded, and along with him the lengthy domestic scenes that accompanied his human identity, Strip and Kill can get down to some serious, no-nonsense skeleton guy action.


If there is a weakness in Strip and Kill, it is the final scene, which is a bit of a let-down after we've just watched half an hour's worth of film that included car chases, foot chases, a big fight in a cemetery, various fights along the road, high speed car chases, and all of the good stuff you expect from a movie with a title like Strip and Kill. But all things considered, Strip and Kill generates more than enough goodwill to make up for the final scene of our lovable rascal surrendering tot he police and expounding on their virtues. After all, you can see him turning the whole thing into a taunt for the opening scene of the next film. I should also note that at no point does Kilink himself strip and kill, and the title actually represents a proper division of labor. Kilink handles the killing portion of the job, and the stripping is left to the steady procession of astoundingly beautiful women these films seem to present to Kilink so he can slap them and make move to them -- although this time he only goes so far as to slap and make love to the evil ones. In a departure from the last film, he even gets riled up and angry when his rivals kidnap an innocent woman and her child. Luckily, this movie is full of hot, evil women, so Kilink doesn't want for sexy dames to kill even if he's laid off the innocent ones. Plus, he's always got faithful Suzy and her vast array of slinky cocktail dresses and revealing bikinis by his side.


There's precious little point to discussing the acting. The movie was dubbed in post-production, as was common for low budget films at the time, and the main character spends the entire movie in a skeleton mask. The supporting cast is on hand to look devious and/or sultry, and this they accomplish. Actor Yildirim Gencer, who plays Kilink, went on to star in a number of relatively well-known and remembered cult adventure films, including more fumetti-inspired fare like Spy Smasher, Iron Claw the Pirate, as the infamous "Turkish Superman" film Supermen Donuyor, as well as appearing in the Turkish giallo Thirsty for Love, Sex and Murder and the Cuneyt Arkin adventure Kara Murat Olum Emri. He died fairly recently, in 2005, probably before he could hear his old collaborator Yilmaz Atadeniz talking about resurrecting the Kilink franchise. Kilink's sole reliable compatriot, Suzan Avci, is still active in Turkish cinema and television. The relationship between her and Kilink is one for the ages, not unlike the relationship between Diabolik and his woman. They seem to exist on a level beyond morality. Plus, she looks drop dead gorgeous in a bikini.

Although it represents a transitional softening of the title character, Strip and Kill is easily my favorite of the three Kilink films I've seen. I don't know if subsequent films continue along the same trajectory, with Kilink as the super-cool anti-hero who foils the plans of other criminals while still finding time to befuddle whatever the Turkish version of Scotland Yard may be. There's not much reason to mourn Kilink only killing bad guys when there are just so many bad guys on hand to kill. Strip and Kill is full of action, and I really like the move away from comic book superheroism and toward the world of espionage adventure. It suits a character like Kilink much better to be matching wits with femme fatales and guys with eyepatches and pointed goatees. With any luck, someone will manage to turn up additional films in the Kilink series, but old Turkish cult films are notoriously difficult to track down, with many of them truly being lost forever and those that are around enjoying almost no interest at all from fans in Turkey or anywhere else.

There are plenty of other Turkish films inspired by Italian fumetti heroes as well, and it seems fitting that these two halves of the former Roman empire would come together once again, centuries later, to create a body of work in which dudes in body stockings strapped lugers to their waist, grabbed a sexy dame with one hand, and used the other to pick the pockets of both the governments and the movie-going public of the world. I know, for one, that as long as these guys and their movies are out there, I'll keep watching.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Farz

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1967, India. Starring Jeetendra, Babita Kapoor, Aruna Irani, Kanchana, Sajjan, Agha, Manohar Deepak, Mukri, Mohan Choti, V.D. Puranik. Written by Vishwamitter Adil, Arudra. Directed by Ravikant Nagaich.

At the risk of sounding even more like a broken record than I usually do, allow me once again reiterate a common theme for much of what we discuss here: exploring the vast world of international cult cinema is as frustrating as it is rewarding. Rewarding because, obviously, it opens a whole world -- quite literally -- of totally outrageous movies that will completely blow your mind, that the average "man on the street" has no idea even exists, and that are packed to the gills with glorious outlandish beauty. Frustrating because, just as obviously, so many of these films -- especially one from outside the United States, Europe, and Japan -- are so very hard to find, even in their country of origin. Similarly, even finding the most basic information on many of these movies, both in print and online, is often almost impossible. We often run into this when attempting to research (yes, believe it or not, I do attempt to research most of my subjects, albeit rather half-assedly at times) old Turkish cult films, where what little information does exist is often somewhat incestuous in nature -- about the same movies, and drawing from the same very limited pool of knowledge, and thus saying more or less the same thing. There are so few of these films available, even in Turkey, that the growth of a fanbase is limited by the lack of material. In other words, we want to be fans of Turkish cult cinema; there's just not enough of it to go around, and we have so little material to which we can refer (since there is so little to go around -- you can see the vicious circle).

We also run into it frequently when attempting to wade into the lush lagoon that is Indian cult cinema. India is in a much better state than Turkey, at least when it comes to the accessibility of films (you at least have a decent chance of tracking down a DVD of an Indian film), but there are still huge holes in both availability and discussion of certain types of films, no matter how popular these films may have been during their original release. Because they were discussed in Pete Tombs book Mondo Macabro (the limited pool of knowledge I alluded to last paragraph, and the source of almost every fact anyone has to throw out in regards to many of these films), the sleazy 80s horror films of the Ramsay Brothers are perhaps the most famous example of the disdain for such product. The Ramsay Brothers horror films were ridiculously popular in the 80s, but the only release of them to the home video market has been by the Mondo Macabro DVD label. No Indian release of any Ramsay horror film exists as of this writing, and in fact, even bringing them up to the average Indian DVD store clerk will be met with a snort of disdain or a denial that they even exist -- although one young guy I met was enthusiastic in his love of them and bemoaned his culture's unwillingness to put the Ramsays out there on DVD. But this guy, despite being of Indian heritage, was an American, so I don't even know if he counts.


The Ramsays are hardly alone in their plight, though. In fact, aside from a select few classics and a slew of whatever was released this year, writing about Indian film is thin indeed. The James Bond inspired 1967 blockbuster Farz is a perfect example. Despite being a huge hit, inspiring numerous copycats, and launching the careers of two decently famous Bollywood performers (Jeetendra and Babita Kapoor), Farz -- like most of India's entries into the category of swingin' 60s spy films -- is practically persona non grata when it comes to any information or reviews about it, though it does fare better than the Ramsay Brothers horror films. At least Farz is available on a shoddy looking DVD release.

Despite the success Farz enjoyed in 1967, about the best you can hope for if you search for the film online is a one- or two-line review on the IMDB that goes something like, "This movie is old." Google returns a lot of hits that go to soundtrack information for a year 2000 movie of the same name, starring Sonny Deol, and if you scroll down far enough, you'll eventually find links to Teleport City's review of Aankhen (a 1968 Bollywood spy film that was inspired by the success of Farz) and Poptique's survey of Bollywood rip-offs of James Bond (which only mentions Farz in passing, but contains plenty of awesome info on some other Bolly-Bonds). If I go to the few English-language books on Bollywood, which all tend to be overly academic and humorless, there is an even greater dearth of information on this or just about any other "popcorn" film. As it is still in its infancy, despite the longevity of the industry, English language books about Bollywood tend to be dry, intellectual studies of the same crop of "usual suspects." They turn their collective noses up at giving much time over to films like Farz in favor of printing yet another chapter that provides the same analysis of Mother India as was given in the last four or five books. We get it! Mother India was an historic movie, a landmark of Indian cinema, and the mothers in Indian films often represent the country itself. Can we movie on now to something a little fresher and less commonly flogged? Like, I don't know, dudes in white Chelsea boots doing judo and fighting arch-villains?


It's especially odd to me, though hardly surprising, that so much of what is written about Indian cinema in English is so bland and academic when the cinema itself is so dedicated to populist approval, melodrama, and celebration. If anything, this dedication to eliminating the popcorn film severely limits the quality and variety of discussion, and thus our understanding as a whole, in deference to making everyone think the history of Indian cinema is comprised entirely of Mother India, The World of Apu, Deewar, and Devdas (and Disco Dancer, of course). Plenty to write about many stars, yet almost none of the books so much as mention Mithun Chakraborty, though he was wildly popular (and continues to be one of Teleport City's most popular search terms). I mean, you don't have to praise the guy, but pretending a huge hunk of popular cinema doesn't exist just because it doesn't jibe with some overly romanticized and over-intellectualized delusion of what an industry is hardly sounds like solid historical work to me. Somewhere, a spirited, good-natured book about crazy Bollywood action films, swank spy movies, and horror films is waiting to be written. And Mithun will be on the god-damned cover, baby!

Of course, things are not as bad now as they used to be. Thanks to books like Mondo Macabro, there is a tiny bit more discussion of Indian cult film than there used to be, though the bulk of this discussion is still limited to paraphrasing what was already written about in the book (I did it myself, just now, when discussing Ramsay Brothers horror films). That book is why I ever ventured into an Indian video store, or started searching for retailers online. And the rise of DVD and the Internet means that more people know about Bollywood than previously (when only a billion people knew about it), so much so that it became a trendy buzzword among Hollywood stars, all of whom started claiming they wanted to make Bollywood films, though none of them actually want to. And while the world of print may still be thin (disregarding all the celebrity gossip tabloids), there have been several exceptional Bollywood related film review sites launched over the past few years (including two -- View from the Brooklyn Bridge and The Bollybob Society that spend a healthy amount of time on cult films from the 60s and 70s -- and thanks to an obsession with Sashi Kapoor and an admirable respect for swanky 60s fashion, Beth Loves Bollywood is on board as well, even if she sticks to the romantic movies instead of stuff full of spies and mummies). But even among cult film fans, Bollywood is a cult. While Amitabh Bachchan's Don may have succeeded to some degree in breaking out into slightly wider global cult film fan awareness (of the friends I have who are cult film fans who came to Bollywood, almost every single one of them saw Don as their first Indian film), there is still a staggeringly long way to go before the documentation of Indian cult cinema is anywhere near as vast and detailed as that of America, Japan, Europe, and Hong Kong. In other words, in a world that offers you up something like eight million reviews of Zombie Lake, you'd think you'd be able to find at least one review of Farz.


And yet this is not the case. Not online, and not in print, where the only information I could find on Farz was an entry in the title index of the mammoth Encyclopedia of Indian Film, which I shall now reprint in its entirety: Farz (1967).

There are plenty of reasons that explain this, and I think at one point or another, we've been over most of them. First and foremost, speaking from an English-speaking American standpoint, has been the absence of the movies themselves, which always makes discussing movies difficult. While even the cheapest, most rotten of European sex and gore films often got dubbed and distributed in the United States in one form or another, Indian films were always marketed solely to Indian immigrant populations -- with the films of Satyajit Ray and a couple others being the ultra-rare art-house, film school exceptions. Tons of European, Japanese, and Hong Kong productions were dumped into the American market, either as grindhouse filler or for the emerging home video market. And each of these films found a fanbase that built a network of support around the films. Fanzines, fan clubs, so on. This never happened with Indian films. They never came to the grindhouse or the drive-in. They never got retitled and dumped onto American VHS alongside Lucio Fulci, Godzilla, and Bruce Lee. They were always targeted specifically at Indian populations, in Indian neighborhoods, distributed by Indian companies. AIP never bought Farz, retitled it, and gave it a new score by Les Baxter. Maybe it's because the films were just too foreign, what with these songs and dances and brown people in them. But heck, Japanese movies got distributed. Hell, Lo Lieh was one of the ugliest mother fuckers in the 1970s, and he got distribution. And it's not like you couldn't edit out the musical numbers for the American market.

I'm sure someone who knows more about global film markets can fill in the details, but whatever the cause, the end result was that Indian films never had time to build up a fanbase outside of Indian populations, and hell, maybe that's all they needed. It's not like there are only a few Indians in the world. If half of India paid a buck to see your movie, you'd be doing all right. But that's neither here nor there, and it all started changing, slowly, in the middle of the 1990s -- no coincidence that this increased global awareness of Indian cinema corresponds with the increased ubiquity of the Internet and DVD, both vastly cheap ways to distribute information. Suddenly, the world of Indian cinema previously inaccessible to those who did not speak the language was much more accessible. The move from VHS to DVD meant that subtitling a movie in English was much more appealing than it had been, especially when you took into account that much of your audience for home video would be Indians and non-Indians living abroad and, potentially, unable to speak a lick of Hindi, Tamil, or whatever other language your film might be in. People have always been curious about the pop culture of other people, and the Internet finally helped people realize the globalization of pop culture that has been brewing through fanzines and clubs.


Because there was already such a huge and vocal cult fanbase (relative to the admittedly small numbers of people into cult films) for the films of the aforementioned countries of the United States, Japan, Hong Kong, and Europe (what? Europe's not a single country?), they were the first out of the gate and onto the internet. The first cult film site I remember visiting was dedicated to Godzilla. Throughout the latter half of the 90s, cult film review and discussion sites popped up like wildfires (Teleport City among them). It was easy, because so much had already been written and could so easily be "ported" into this new medium. The web was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to cult film fans, as now the networks we traversed to obtain films became much easier to navigate.

Bollywood was not entirely unrepresented in the early days of the Web, but it's only more recently that substantial discussion of Bollywood films has begun to flirt with approaching the quantity and quality of what has been written about other countries. Strange, given that the number of people who watch Bollywood films obviously dwarfs the number of people who would watch Hell of the Living Dead over and over -- but not so strange, considering that most of the people watching Bollywood films are just people. They're not the kind, if they even have access to the technology, to rush out and start a website, any more than my parents might rush out and start a film website just because they go to the movies. Most of what was being discussed about Bollywood was either from mainstream newspaper columnists, or it was from fans discussing the same new movies as these professional critics. As far as I can detect, India just doesn't have the same "cult of cult" that some other countries have (and many others don't). I mean, yeah, there's definitely a cult status to a guy like Amitabh or Shahrukh, but that's an entirely different type of cult. India just didn't have enough weird movie nerds with Geocities pages to drive a full-fledged exploration of their country's battier film fare.


Additionally, much of the discourse regarding Indian cinema revolved less around the films themselves and more around the soundtrack or scandals that may have enveloped the stars. Search for any Bollywood film, even modern blockbusters, and for every actual discussion of the film, you will probably find a thousand links to soundtrack info. Non-Indian resources also tended to focus on more current films, because those were the easiest to get a hold of and because, well, they were newer. More times than not, though, you will find a generic aggregated page that appears on like a hundred different but identical sites and does nothing but provide extremely basic cast information (usually only a release date and one or two star names).

But like I said, things are starting to change. More Indian film fans outside of the elitist community of critics are finding a voice online, and the people writing about the films in English are branching out as older films find their way on to DVD and they run out of new films to review. Cult film fans who aren't accustomed to the peculiarities of Indian cinema (i.e., the musical numbers and the inclusion of romantic melodrama in almost everything) are also starting to get used to things, or at least are learning that they can fast forward past the musical numbers (the fools) and get to the action. The next couple years, especially as India's middle class continues to grow, will be interesting as Bollywood begins to find its nerdy cult movie culture legs.


Of course, some of the films will continue to get short shrift one way or the other, but that's nothing new. We had to fight long and hard to get European cult films to the level of relatively easy availability that we enjoy now (who would have thought fifteen years ago that there would be a special remastered edition of Jess Franco's Girl from Rio -- or Jess Franco's anything, for that matter?), and there are still plenty of gaps. We are here to discuss a swanky Bollywood spy film, for example, and even swanky European spy films remain, for the most part, notoriously difficult to track down as the global community of cult film fans tends to favor the sex and horror films.

But still, as bad as things may be, they're better than they've ever been before, and while there may be precious little written about Aankhen or Farz, and while films like Gunmaster and Agent Vinod may still be MIA, the fact remains than even a decade ago, I never would have imagined that all it would take for me to watch a subtitled -- albeit ragged looking -- copy of an Indian spy film from 1967 would be a couple clicks on what people call a "computer."

Farz was India's first real attempt at making a James Bond style espionage thriller, and while it hardly lives up to the production values of a Bond film, it manages to achieve, at the very least, the level of some of the lower tier Eurospy films from the same time period. And calling any of these films "lower tier" is absolutely not a reflection of their potential to entertain. Farz, for example, obviously suffers from a low budget (though it's hard to tell whether some of the film's crudity -- abrupt music cue changes, choppy edits, etc -- is actually part of the film, or whether it evolved after decades of the print being abused and spliced), and it takes several missteps, but it's hardly an unenjoyable film, though at times it just barely manages to be so.


Actually, Farz really only takes one big misstep, though it's enough of a misstep to kill the film dead in its tracks any time it happens. I am speaking of the odious slapstick comic relief that comes in the form of a couple of bumbling brothers who become the loyal sidekicks of our main hero. Their sub Franco and Cicco quality shtick is unfunny within five seconds of making itself known, and from time to time when the film needs to pad itself out and they don't have a musical number handy, they'll cut to five minutes of these dips walking into walls or grabbing each other by the shoulders and falling down.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, and thinking about the comedy in this movie, as in most movies, is going to make me mad when, in fact, I thought Farz was all right. Even though it features a pie fight. Where did all those pies even come from? Did every single person have a pie?

No, no -- getting ahead of myself again. If I get too mad about the pies, I'll never get to the part where the guy with Khrushchev eyebrows leads a guard on a chase that does that thing where they keep running in and out of various doors, and they run into one door but out of another. Oh ho ho ho!

Anyway, we kick things off with a dastardly plot already in progress. Seems some terrorists in ill-advised scarves are trying to blow up a dam. Luckily, heroic Indian secret agent 303 is on the case with his trusty camera to capture the bad guys red handed. He could have also considered shooting them or perhaps arranging ahead of time -- since he obviously knew where they were going to be -- for some sort of security force to swoop in and capture anyone. But I guess these were simpler time, and so instead he takes pictures of them and their car, shoots a little, then rushes off to...file his report? Develop his secret film? No. He rushes off to visit his younger sister, Kamla, though he does at least take time out to call his superior officer and tell him he has some important information, though apparently not important enough to tell right then and there. And he drops the film off to be developed not at a secret spy facility, but at a photomat down on the corner of the street. I'm starting to think our hero here not only isn't James Bond, but he's barely even Johnny English.


The terrorist organization consists of five guys -- two of whom wear scarves even though their short sleeve shirts indicate that it's not scarf season -- who are constantly berated by a guy who, in a European film, would have been played by Timothy Dalton. The guy's secret underground terrorist lair leaves a considerable amount to be desired, consisting as it does primarily of some cool Mario Bava-esque lighting and a folding card table with a rotary phone on it. Here's a tip for all of you who aspire to be a henchman for some megalomaniacal would-be world conqueror. If, on the day of your interview, you get a tour of the secret underground lair and it is furnished entirely with folding card tables and rotary phones, pass on whatever offer you are given. In fact, don't join up with any secret globe-conquering society that has a folding card table anywhere, let alone in the main control room. And if the main control room also doubles as storage space for crates and boxes...I don't know. Maybe the guy is new and villainy and just hasn't had time to unpack. He probably just bought Shakal's former secret lair off the EvilBay online auction site, and he doesn't get five minutes to set his stuff up before he's having to slap around incompetent henchmen. Speaking of which, if you are a would be world conqueror who just bought a new secret lair and are looking for a goon squad, don't hire anyone who wears a scarf in the summer, unless that person is a World War One flying ace or something.

The terrorists pile into their station wagon and track Agent 303 to his sister's house, where they plant a time bomb in the engine of his car. They could have just shot him, but I guess they figure he went easy on them back at the dam, so it's the least they can do. The bomb is apparently set to go off eight million hours later, because 303 drives around, takes care of a few errands, returns his copy of Doctor No to the video store, and finally abandons his car at a dead end before the bomb goes off, leading to a shoot-out in which our noble hero and defender of Hindustani is gunned down and stabbed by a sexy femme fatale. Man what a way for the hero to start a film.

Oops, wait. He's dead. I guess he's not the hero at all.


No, the hero is Gopal, aka Agent 116, played by future superstar Jeetendra in his first real lead role. When we meet Gopal, he is going what all good spies do during their off time, which is frolic through the hills with a sexy woman in cool 60s fashion. The call of duty interrupts their courtship, however, which is at least better than a courtship being interrupted by the call of nature, and soon Gopal is assigned to pick up Agent 303's case, track down the killers, and spoil whatever nefarious plot they might be hatching. En route to doing this he meets a gorgeous socialite named Sunita, played by yet another future superstar, Babita Kapoor, who is also the future superstar mother of superstar daughters Karisma and Kareena Kapoor (Kareena we met in the review our Asoka). And my goodness, what a beauty! Jeetendra plays Agent 116 a little less Bond, a little more Elvis, especially in his signature slim cut white suit with matching white Chelsea boots. When he wears a tuxedo, he even accessorizes with a Kentucky Colonel style ribbon tie. Now that's class. Plus, he's got Elvis' pompadour, and the musical nature of Bollywood cinema means that this is probably the closest thing you'll ever see to an Elvis swinging spy movie.

Naturally, Gopal falls instantly in love, but in all honesty, if you could see Babita, you would too. The only problem is that her father happens to be that evil guy who yells at other evil guys! And so begins a series of action set-pieces that require Gopal to run up and down a whole lot of stairs, fight big fat guys, and partake in lavish party dances. Along for the ride are a couple of bumbling comic relief brothers who manage to be so far away from funny that they circle all the way back around to funny, but then pass that and jet still further out into the very nether regions of unfunny. One of them is short and has giant Khrushchev eyebrows. The other is blind as a bat and thus serves as Gopal's driver. Gopal must think they're about as useful as I do, because he frequently sends them on off-screen tasks, and thank God for it, because when they are on screen, this movie screeches to a halt. Oh, they are just awful! I mean, the annals of unfunny comic relief are stuffed to bursting, but these two really reached those rarefied airs of unfunny that only the most odious of odious comic relief can hope to attain. They achieve total unfunniness nirvana.

Most of Gopal's mission revolves around recovering the lost film, which seems rather a moot mission considering that about five minutes into the assignment, the goons are attacking him over and over. You'd think that after you've seen each of them several times, shot a few of them, and seen them constantly piling in and out of the same station wagon, the photos of them would become needless. But I guess Gopal needs something to do in between Sunita's various parties and trading witty barbs with her father, so he goes after the film. To get it, he makes contact with Agent 303's sister, Kamla, who unfortunately has already been tricked by Sunita's father into thinking Gopal is the villain. This leads to her, through typically convoluted Bollywood fashion, attempting to seduce Gopal by dancing around his mod hotel room whilst wearing...Christ almighty; I almost don't even know how to describe it. It's like this, well, you see...OK. She has these leopard print bell bottom pants, right? And they're skin-tight, only they seem to be padded or at least cut Jodhpur style so that they make her ass look the size of the entire Indian subcontinent. And then she has a shiny pink top trimmed with leopard skin, and the whole thing is topped off with a sort of floppy pink and leopard skin pimp hat that would have looked right at home on Rudy Ray Moore's head. It is quite possibly the most astoundingly awful and yet hypnotic women's outfit I've seen this side of Two Undercover Angels. You remember when I reviewed Aankhen, and I made fun of Mala Sinha's bright yellow pants and gigantic, floppy green sombrero (or "pimp sombrero" if you will)? Well, Mala, allow me to apologize, because obviously you did not deserve to be made fun of. In light of what I have seen today, your outfit was downright sensible.


Eventually, we learn that Sunita's father is naught but a pawn of some sinister shadow organization, and in a dramatic turn of events, it doesn't turn out to be Pakistani in origin. At least, I don't think they're Pakistani. I'm pretty sure they're Chinese, but it's hard to tell, because a grimacing Indian guy in fake eyelids and yellow face make-up is scarcely any more convincing than a Caucasian in the same. A long time ago, I reviewed Fritz Lang sprawling Indian Epic and talked about guilt that may arise from watching a film in which Germans slap on some brown powder and pretend to be Indian. Well, no fear, because as soon as the grinning mastermind of Farz is revealed, India loses any moral high ground it could have ever hoped to claim. The villain is Chinese (I bet somewhere he's described as Chinese-Pakistani because, well, you know. Pakistan, right?) because he has to be, since the finale of Farz is a low-rent rip-off of Doctor No. It's also pretty awesome.

Despite the cringe-inducing comedic scenes, Farz is a pretty good first attempt for India at a Bond style espionage adventure. Like the superior Aankhen that came shortly after, Farz takes its nationalism far more seriously than Bond or any of the Eurospy films would have ever dared. While Europe had entered a phase in which such flag-waving patriotism was considered silly, at best, India was still pretty serious about it. That said, however, Farz is hardly a deadly serious film. It may not be Bond, but it's certainly not The Day of the Jackal, either. Jeetendra makes for a bouncy, likable secret agent with a spectacular wardrobe, and Babita Kapoor is drop dead gorgeous as Sunita, even if she has almost nothing to contribute to the film other than herself in an array or gorgeous 60s outfits. That's enough for me. She certainly doesn't contribute much to the dancing. Babita, it turns out, was famously flat footed when it came to this most crucial aspect of Indian cinema. No less that Shammi Kapoor publicly marveled at her inability to learn even the most basic of steps, though he probably did that before he ballooned out to his current eight thousand pounds. Yeah, I'd like to see you dance now, Shammi. Come on! Dance, Fat Shammi, dance!


But if Babita wasn't a great dancer, it was made up for by the fact that she wasn't a great actress, either. She realistically described herself as a flowerpot in her films, paid to look pretty and get rescued by the hero, who is busily dancing his heart out and judoing fat guys. Babita's performance is hardly terrible here, and it's not like she has a lot to work with given the script, but she certainly doesn't carry the weight of the film the way Jeetendra does, with his jumping all over the place and giving rock and roll looks to the camera as he flops his pompadour down into his face in that way we all know drives the gals wild. His youthful enthusiasm mixed with Babita's two left feet (it only makes me love her more) necessitated the development of a new style of dance. Thus was born the more aerobic format we still see in many of the films today, with less dancing and more just sort of running around, jumping, and tumbling.

If you are looking to explore India's contributions to the 60s spy craze, then Farz is important because it was more or less the first. For that reason alone, you should give it a go. And if you need other reasons, there's Babita looking dreamy, Jeetendra looking steamy, and that one chick in her nightmarish leopard woman pimp attire. But as is often the case, first rarely means best, and Farz is far from the best India has to offer. In fact, the movie directly inspired by Farz' success, Aankhen, is a far better film that uses many of the same elements but does them better and without a lengthy pie fight. And seriously, man, all of sudden there are like ten thousand pies in that scene. Why were there so many pies? It just doesn't make any sense at all!


If you have a high tolerance for low-rent European spy films, then you're probably going to be able to get through Farz and, like me, wring a little enjoyment out of it. It has some trippy lightning and camera work, some decent, if occasional, action, a great finale and villain, and good music and musical numbers. In fact, people who don't care for Indian films are often told to just fast forward through the musical numbers, but let me suggest this instead. Since the music here is awesome, watch the music numbers, and instead fast forward through any scene involving the bumbling brothers. You'll be much happier watching Babita pose than you will watching those two bump their heads and fall down.

Despite its sundry short-comings, Farz managed to become a pretty big hit. Jeetendra became a bona fide leading man, and Babita sustained a decent career despite her limitations, until she finally retired to become a business manager for her even more successful daughters. If you are unfamiliar with the peculiarities of Indian cinema, a film like Farz might take some getting used to, but once that happens, it's at least as enjoyable as many of its European brethren. Aankhen is still the better film to watch, but Farz is important historically and worth a look. Just don't look too long at the leopard outfit, or it'll turn your eyes to ash.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 2 Comments


Monday, September 17, 2007

Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1967, Turkey. Starring Yildiram Gencer, Irfan Atasoy, Pervin Par, Suzan Avci, Muzaffer Tema, Mine Soley. Directed by Yilmaz Atadeniz. Buy it from Xploited Cinema.

When last we left the dastardly, skeleton-suit clad Kilink, self-proclaimed (like grandmaster Philip Holder) King of Rogues and master of all evil, he was in his secret island lair (well stocked with randomly placed and artfully-posed bikini girls), casually bragging about his super-weapon (a rickety looking laser gun) while harassing a scientist and the scientist's beautiful daughter, who just happens to be the fiancee of a man whose scientist father was previously murdered by Kilink, causing the man to swear vengeance and thus be granted super powers and a bad costume by a crazy hobo in the cemetery.

Got it? Well, if you didn't no worries, because the cliffhanger ending of Kilink Istanbul'da springboards us immediately into the sequel, Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi (Kilink vs. Superman), but not before the second film takes twenty minutes or so to recap the events of the last movie. Out of respect for this technique, I was simply going to cut and paste the first quarter of my Kilink Istandbul'da review here, but then I thought that would just be silly. Besides, I tend to repeat myself and say the same things over and over anyway, so chances are, there will be plenty of retread material even without the cut and paste gag.


And speaking of retread...

As I said in the review of the first film -- and note that calling Kilink Istanbul'da the first film is misleading, as they are really nothing more than one long movie chopped up into two episodes -- the Turkish Kilink movies were drawing major influence from both the Italian fumetti characters Kriminal and Killing, but perhaps even more so, they were looking to the old American adventure serials for their formula and structure. Thus the serial-like cliffhanger ending, although to be fair, your final shot being Kilink hanging out in his living room while the good guy stands on the pier is somewhat less thrilling than many serial cliffhangers tended to be. Additionally, the recap of the previous "episode" is another trick straight out of the serials. The summary is nice, however, because it does contain bits and pieces of footage that were lost from the actual print of Kilink Istandbul'da, so if you want to get a glimpse of some Saddam Hussein looking guy laughing as he turns a knob, then this is your chance.

Kilink Istandbul'da sets us up for the main event in Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi. Until this point, Kilink and Superman...er, Superhero...have only met face to face in costume once, and that showdown ended with Kilink swapping identities with a doorman who he somehow convinced to not only wear a skeleton outfit, but also to try and escape from the combined forces of Superhero and the Istanbul police force via a slow-moving construction dumbwaiter. We can assume, based on the title of this entry in the Kilink series, that we'll finally be getting the tete-a-tete between the villainous madman and the guy in the padded suit and striped bikini.


Now Superhero is the good guy, remember, but it's kind of cheating on his part to need the help of a randomly appearing god disguised as a homeless hippie and granting superpowers to beat Kilink, who has no superpower other than the ability to prance around in a ridiculous looking skeleton costume without ever actually looking ridiculous. given as how Kilink was distilled from an Italian character, I can only assume that this power is likewise some adaptation of the super power that allows Italian men to look awesome in clothes that would look idiotic on anyone else.

In fact, if you recall from the review of part one, I said that contrary to Diabolik or Kriminal, Kilink is without a doubt the villain of the piece, and we are meant to root for Superhero and the good guys. This has a lot to do with the Turkish filmgoing population's preference for identifying with a strong, black-and-white hero. Superhero is both strong (see how he throws those concrete slabs around in the first film -- a brute display of strength that was probably unappreciated by the cemetery employees who came in later that day and had to clean up the mess made by Superhero and his weird Fred Sanford's friend Grady lookin' god) and his film is in black and white, so the Turks were in luck!

But by the time this second part rolls around, I'm suddenly thinking to myself, "This Kilink, he's not so bad." Bear with me.


Part two opens with Orhan trying to find a ride to Kilink's mysterious secret island, which can't be too terribly secret if every fisherman in Istanbul knows it's crawling with guys in genie pants and some dude in a skeleton suit running around on the beach. Eventually, Orhan finds a guy willing to take him to the island, even though -- hey, wait? Isn't Orhan possessed of super powers that allow him to, among other things, fly? I guess he's such a good guy that he doesn't want to use his superpowers when he could help out the local economy by hiring a boatman and putting the guy in mortal peril by making him sail out to Kilink's island of doom.

Meanwhile, Klink is splitting his time between making love (whilst still in his skeleton outfit) to his two beautiful women (Suzy and that ridiculously hot secretary he corrupted in part one) and showing off the awesome might of his now fully operational super weapon: that cheap looking laser gun. When he finally unveils his weapon, the end result is -- well, like I said, maybe he would have been better off if he invested his time in trying to steal an atom bomb, because the laser cannon isn't horribly impressive. I mean, he blows up a boulder with it, and later on he'll use it to mildly inconvenience Superhero, but other than that I don't see the world quaking in fear at the skeleton-bootied feet of Kilink just because he has a laser cannon -- especially given that everyone seems to know where Kilink is, and they could just drop a bomb on his lair and be done with things. They must have plenty of bombs, because Kilink didn't try to take any of those.


The action on Kilink's island is pretty boss. He's got bikini girls, and although he talks big about conquering the world, he seems more interested in lounging around in his cave's boom boom room, letting that hot secretary writhe about and strip while Suzy massages his shoulders and guys in Genie pants and vests with a giant felt "K" on them lean on their machine guns. And this is the point where I started thinking we should give Kilink a chance to rule the world and see how things work out. I mean, I know his super weapon is super-lame, but still -- his primary vision of the world seems to be one full of half-naked women slipping out of slinky cocktail dresses, groovy music, and guys with Rollie Fingers mustaches and genie pants. That doesn't sound so bad to me. Sure, Kilink has a tendency to randomly walk up to some guy who works for him and say, "Don't disappoint me, or I'll kill you," even though nothing is going on at that moment, but whatever. What world leader doesn't have his idiosyncrasies? Let's give Kilink a go. I mean, we gave G.W. Bush four years of nothing but endless fuck-ups and corruption, and then we gave him four more still. Is being ruled by Kilink with his "hot Turkish stripper in every den" policy really so bad by comparison?

Anyway, Kilink soon learns that nothing gold can stay, as Orhan arrives to change into Superhero and smash things up. Kilink unleashes the power of his laser beam, which is now suddenly a flamethrower -- making it even lamer as a world-dominating super-weapon -- which causes Superhero to have to sort of suck it in (hard when your body mass is composed primarily of pillows stuffed into your long johns) and stand against the wall for a little bit. It's enough time for Kilink to make his escape, though, in classic third world dictator form. Actually, I guess those guys usually commandeer a jet at the airport, or get a free ride from some other country's government. Kilink makes his escape in, of all things, a rowboat. Ahh, but it's not really Kilink at all! It's a fat, old scientist who, when disguised as Kilink, suddenly becomes a fit, muscular man. Kilink himself slips out the back door, and begins plotting a decidedly less Bondian, more Kriminal/Diabolik scale caper: stealing jewels from a hot princess.


Unfortunately, we only get the gist of things here, as the latter half of Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi has been, as far as anyone can tell, forever lost. Onar films did their best to fill in the gaps by summarizing the rest of the action via a series of stills and narration that take us through to the final shot of the film -- which is Kilink lying dead -- apparently -- in the street after taking a tumble in what looked like it would have been a pretty awesome fight with Superhero, had we been able to see it. Onar also had the decency not to sell this as a complete film by itself on a DVD. It's a double feature with the third Kilink film (which picks up immediately where this one ends). So they make due with what they got, and it's not their fault, but that doesn't change the fact that the presumably "forever lost" status of the second half of this film (mixed with the fact that half of the first half is just a summary of the first film) is disappointing, because it looks fabulous. And it looks like Kilink might actually fight Superhero at this point, because up until now, his primary mode of operation has been to run away. But that's all right, because Kilink would rather spend his energy making love and watching strippers. After all that combined with having to spend part of the day standing with arms akimbo or pointing menacingly and laughing, he hardly has any energy left for tangling with over-enthusiastic magical superheros in striped granny panties.

Still, what's here is worth seeing. Onar has greatly improved the quality of their subtitled with this release, and the picture quality is much better than it was with the previous film. The showdown between Kilink and Superhero on Kilink's island of pleasure and certain death is high-spirited and energetic, with some great fights and plenty of action. We're better off for having seen at least this small surviving sliver of the film. And luckily, Kilink never stops to take a breath, and no sooner is he lying dead on the street than he is also taunting people via some unseen and inexplicable public address unit, promising to return. And return he does, in the promisingly titled Kilink: Strip and Kill.

Continued...

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Kilink Istanbul'da

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1967, Turkey. Starring Yildiram Gencer, Irfan Atasoy, Pervin Par, Suzan Avci, Muzaffer Tema, Mine Soley. Directed by Yilmaz Atadeniz. Buy it from Xploited Cinema.

When last we tuned in, skeleton motif-clad fumetti anti-hero Kriminal was skyrocketing to fame, and in doing so, seeing the nasty edge that had made him so popular and controversial (so it is possible to be banned in France) softened somewhat to make him more palatable to a wider audience. But no worries, because even as Kriminal began to only kill a lot of people instead of a whole lot of people, another character in basically the same skeleton get-up arrived on the scene to make sure that critics and censors were still incensed by the make-believe actions of a grown man wearing a novelty skeleton body stocking. That hero -- and by hero, I mean psychotic mass-murdering terrorist -- was known appropriately enough as Killing.

Created in 1966 by Pietro Granelli, Killing was a reprehensible brute on his best days, and most of the time the things he did were extreme even by the standards raised (or lowered) by Kriminal. That Killing relied on the photonovel format -- using live-action still photography of actual staged scenes rather than artwork -- made the salacious nature of his sexploitative, hyper-violent adventures even more risque. Needless to say, with Killing boasting no redeeming values whatsoever, people once again lapped it up just as eagerly as critics, censorship boards, and parents despised it. Killing was a one-man 80s metal band music video, all wearin' a skeleton suit and causing the town censor to scream, wag his finger, turn red, and finally go into cardiac arrest as the head of the PTA angrily bangs a gavel and the mousy town librarian has her top blown off by a wicked guitar riff, causing her to jump up on top of the card catalog (it was the 80s, after all) and do a sexy pole dance striptease as, all the while, this gun-toting madman in a skull mask lords over it, laughing evilly as he stands on top of an overpass with arms akimbo.


I'm not sure what legal battle ensued, though it's pretty obvious that Killing was a blatant rip-off of Kriminal. In response, Kriminal's creator went and created Satanik, a disfigured woman who takes a special serum to become beautiful, and then spends most of her remaining time killing people. It was made into a movie, but unlike Kriminal or other fumetti adaptations, it plays out like a chintzy Jess Franco horror movie rather than a comic book adventure. Don't let the Diabolik-inspired outfit that shows up in all the poster artwork fool you; that' sin the movie for like twenty seconds, as a costume during a cabaret dance. The rest is all a chick in a crazy lady wig skulking around and not doing much of anything. Anyway, the joke was once again on Kriminal creator Luciano Secchi, because as Killing got exported around the world -- finding particular purchase in Argentina, for one reason or another, he got retitled with a whole host of new names, including Sadistik and, yes, Satanik. And they couldn't stop rubbing salt in the wounds, either.

1966's live-action feature film Kriminal was partially set and filmed on location in Istanbul. Inspired by what they saw, Turkish filmmakers decided to flex their muscle as the premiere global violators of any and all intellectual property and copyrights (this was, after all, before the rise of the Chinese piracy juggernaut). After all, if the Italians could rip off their own guy, then the Turks could rip off the rip-off, and that would just be awesome. And so Turkish producer-director Yilmaz Atadeniz commenced filming of his own Killing movie, 1967's Kilink Istanbul'da.

Stylistically, Kilink Istanbul'da is somewhere between the early luchadore movies of Mexico and old American horror serials -- which isn't surprising, considering how big an influence the serials were on luchadore movies. The film's opening scene, in which a mummy in a spooky room is revived and unwrapped to reveal the hideous skeleton below (oh wait, it's just Kilink, played by Yildirim Gencer if that matters -- it's not like he ever takes off his skull mask), is straight out of a serial (The Crimson Ghost is the first to leap to mind). The spookiness ends right there, more or less, as Kilink springs out of his coffin and starts slapping asses and calling women "baby" and ranting about his need for a secret formula to complete his secret weapon that will help him rule the world. Personally, I think the prospect of the world being ruled by a dude in a novelty skeleton suit from the comfort of his swanky suburban living room is intriguing. And so the plot is pretty much straight out of the old serials as well, with Kilink trying to get the secret formula from a parade of scientists whose only contribution to the world besides creating formulas for weapons of mass destruction is uttering the line, "I'll never tell you the location of the formula!" before being shot by a skeleton. But then, things get really weird -- unless, as mentioned earlier, you are used to luchadore movies.


When the dastardly Kilink murders a scientist, the scientist's son, Orhan (Irfan Atasoy), swears revenge, then bemoans the fact that a mere normal man could never hope to foil the mad schemes of a villain as diabolical as Kilink. And then Zeus or Odin or someone appears and bellows for a spell and gives the guy super-powers that will activate whenever he yells -- get this -- "Shazam!" Shouting this magic word the makers of this film made up all on their own transforms Orhan into Ucan Adam, a guy in an unconvincingly padded Superman outfit with striped underwear and what looks to be a slight variation of the Batman cowl worn by Adam West. As Ucan Adam, Orhan can throw marble slabs around, shrug off bullets, jump over stuff, and superimpose himself onto footage of clouds in order to fly. Armed with these superpowers, Orhan feels he can finally prove a match for the wicked Kilink.

I'm not terribly familiar with Italian fumetti, but as far as I can guess based purely on the film adaptations of these stories, having someone with actual superpowers was pretty rare. Most of the big stars of the 1960s -- Diabolik, Kriminal, their foreign cousins Barbarella and Modesty Blaise -- were cut from the Batman mold, meaning that technically they have no superpowers, but they have trained so hard that, to us regular chumps, they would almost seem capable of superhuman feats. Kilink is very much in this vein, though perhaps a little more Joker than Batman, since he doesn't seem all that great in a fist fight. But as soon as an ancient god pops up in the cemetery and turns some guy into a superhero with pillows stuffed down his shirt, Kilink Istanbul'da starts to resemble something entirely different than the Kriminal stories that inspired it. The random supernatural aspects of the story wouldn't be out of place in one of the nuttier Mexican Santo films -- and it's obvious that many Turkish cult filmmakers were very familiar with El Santo and his ilk, since a Turkish version of Santo (along with Captain America and Spider-Man) shows up in the Turkish superhero blow-out 3 Dev Adam.


We can also see that Kilink the character is considerably different from Kriminal, if not in looks than certainly in ambition. Kriminal was interested in stealing and swingin', while Kilink is interested in swingin' and conquering the world. He also has a gang of useless henchmen dressed like Father Guido Sarducci, whereas Kriminal works alone save for his beautiful accomplice (which Kilink was wise enough to keep in place as well). Kriminal was obviously modeled after Diabolik, and both of them grew from the old pulps. Kilink has one boney foot in the madmen of the old serials and another in the more modern (at the time) world of megalomaniacal James Bond villains. Finally, we are meant to sympathize with Diabolik and Kriminal, but Kilink offers us no such hook. He is the bad guy, pure and simple, and you're never really tempted to root for him. Especially when his opponent is a guy in a super suit stuffed with pillows and socks.

If a gun-toting mass murderer dressed as a skeleton fighting a superhero in a poorly stuffed suit sounds like fun to you, then Kilink Istanbul'da isn't going to let you down. It lives up to the description, and perhaps exceeds it considerably. But that's just the main event. The undercard in Kilink Istanbul'da has so, so much to offer. For instance, there's the stellar soundtrack, assembled from bits and pieces of You Only Live Twice (which had just come out that year -- that was quick!), Our Man Flint, Horror of Dracula, and a few others I recognize but could not immediately place.


Kilink also makes sure that the screen is never devoid of hot, scantily clad Turkish babes for more than a few seconds. His accomplice is the gorgeous Suzy (Suzan Avci), and it says something that a woman that unspeakably hot is made to seem plain in comparison to some of the other women in the movie, including Pervin Par as Orhan's fiancee Guile, Mine Soley as one of the scientist's smokin' secretaries and eventual Kilink hot sidekick number two, and whoever it is that plays Orhan's younger sister. None of these women can go for more than a few minutes without their tops falling off, or their skirts being hiked up, or them just walking around in a slinky bikini. I've maintained for a while now that Indian films had figured out the secret formula that enables them to cram more gorgeous women into one film than any other country, but apparently Kilink stole that formula, too, because the Kilink girls are a sight to behold. And the best part is near the end, when Kilink leaves the suburbs and goes to his secret island lair. He walks into his throne room, and there are already like half a dozen hot chicks in bikinis just standing around in alluring poses. It was at this point that I decided to surrender to Kilink and let him have a hand at ruling the world for a while. I bet he'd resign anyway after just a few days, once he learned that ruling the world meant less time laughing maniacally while surrounded by half-naked women and more time reviewing zoning ordinances and sanitation plans.

To be fair and balanced, Irfan Atasoy is a fine looking man with classic matinee idol looks. But when you're a regular Joe, even one who turns into Shazam, surrounded by a dude in a skeleton suit and a bunch of chicks in slinky cocktail dresses, bikinis, and underwear, well, you tend to get lost in the shuffle.


Speaking of the end, Kilink Istanbul'da ends on a cliffhanger (yet more classic serial stylings) with Orhan trying to track down Kilink -- who has kidnapped Guile and her scientist father -- while Kilink gets it on with the traitorous secretary and unveils his super weapon -- a smallish laser beam. Hmm. Good luck with that one, Kilink. Some people have nuclear weapons. Some have navies and biological weapons. Kilink has a small laser gun in a cave off the coast of Turkey. Maybe when he turns it on in the next movie, it will be more impressive. But I bet not.

Kilink suffers somewhat from a case of the Troutman Syndrome, named after colonel Troutman from the film First Blood. Troutman's only purpose in First Blood was to hover around and annoy people by constantly reminding them what a bad-ass John Rambo was. Similar characters show up in Commando (Arnold's version). A variation on the Troutman character is the grudgingly respective opponent," whose sole function is to constantly say things like, "This guy's good. Real good." Steven Seagal movies are full of this opponent, and they appear whenever an audience needs to be reassured of how awesome a character is despite evidence to the contrary on-screen. For example, Kilink seems like a bit of a dip. He lives int he suburbs in a house with cheap wood paneling; he only has like four guys working for him, and they all suck; and anytime he has to fight someone more capable than a passed out woman, he ends up hauling ass. Plus, the super weapon this whole movie is about is a little laser cannon that looks like, at it's most effective, it could be used to take out one guy -- maybe two -- at a time. Kilink can barely handle terrorizing a couple of scientists, and the only reason he ever captures anyone is because they keep coming home to the same unlocked houses even though they know Kilink is after them.

And yet some cop keeps popping up to remind us, over and over, how amazingly evil and dangerous Kilink is, even though the evidence on screen points to something else. When Kilink does something as simple as pick the lock on a window, the inspector is there to slam his fist into his palm and proclaim Kilink the most diabolical evil genius who ever lived! I'm wondering if, once everyone is inevitably gathered in Kilink's secret lair for the unveiling of his super weapon, everyone is going to shrug and go, "Seriously? That's it?" as Kilink pumps his fist in the air and rants about ruling the world. Then they could drop a bomb or something on him. Does Kilink even know that in 1967 they had weapons that could obliterate entire cities? If he goes and demands a ransom of $10,000...


Despite Kilink's dubious crowning as the King of Rogues (sort of like Justin Timberlake being the new King of Pop -- because really, who else is there, and I guess Justin Timberlake is as good as anyone else who might be up for King of Pop coronation), Kilink Istanbul'da is top notch entertainment. The episodic structure of the film keeps it from ever getting dull, and there's usually not more than a minute or so before a skeleton is ripping off a woman's top or a superhero is punching a villain's car. As silly as the idea of a grown man dressing up like a skeleton and demanding to rule the world may be, it works in the fantastical context created by films like this and the luchadore movies. Kilink has a more menacing, detailed suit than Kriminal did, plus he accessorizes with a holster and pistol. he looks good in action, too. Superman...err, Superhero, is a little less spry in his action scenes, but that's just because all the foam stuffed into his shirt means his mobility is restricted to little more than walking like a stiff-jointed bodybuilder while guys pointlessly shoot at him over and over.

If there's any problem with the movie, it's with the lack of a cinematic preservation culture in Turkey (as with many countries). Turks aren't big on taking care of prints of old films, which is part of the reason so few of them are available even in ragged forms. Kilink Istanbul'da looks sort of ragged, but it's probably the best it will ever be. Scenes are missing (most noticeable is the scene of Orhan and his sister being gassed by a henchman and escaping from the torture dungeon in Kilink's suburban basement), and it's hard to tell how much of the technical crudity (bad cuts, abrupt ends to music cues, etc) of the film is really a product of the filmmaking process, and how much is simply a symptom of the film being in such shoddy shape by the time Onar films unearthed a copy and did their best to restore it to a watchable condition. And it is certainly watchable, make no doubt about it. It's pretty easy to put up with a beat up print of the film when you know: 1) that's the best looking print of the film in existence, and 2) the film is this much unabashed fun.

Of course, there's the whole business of the film ending right in the middle of the action. Luckily, the second Kilink film, Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi, was waiting in the wings to pick up the action immediately where the first one leaves off...

Continued...

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 5 Comments


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Two Undercover Angels

Digg this article. 1967, Spain/Germany. Starring Janine Reynaud, Rosanna Yanni, Adrian Hoven, Chris Howland, Alexander Engel, Marcelo Arroita-Jauregui, Manolo Otero, Dorit Dom, Ana Casares, Michel Lemoine, Maria Antonia Redondo, Vicente Roca, Jess Franco, Elsa Zabala. Directed by Jess Franco. Written by Jess Franco. Buy it now from Amazon.

It is always with a heady mix of glee and trepidation that I wander into the fecund and often putrescent waters of Jess Franco's imagination. As we summarized when we reviewed his off-kilter espionage film, The Devil Came from Akasava, Franco's films are often as intriguing as they are awful, and his bizarre mix of genuine talent and an absolute lack of talent make him one of the most difficult European directors to discuss in a way that has any relation at all to some tenuous concept of logic. But then, logic seems to be the least of Franco's concerns when he's making a movie, so perhaps we'd do well to worry about it a lot less when discussing those films.

While many fans of B-movie and cult film tend to center their discussion of Franco on his horror and sexploitation (though one could argue that all his films fall into this latter category) output, I tend to be more familiar with his action and espionage films-- and keep in mind that, when discussing Jess Franco, the term "action" is used in an extremely loose fashion by which "action" can be defined as people sitting in a nightclub watching a psychedelic performance art striptease, or it can mean two people standing silently and staring at a rug for a spell. But the reason I like looking at Franco's non-horror films is that, within the realm of horror, and certainly within the more narrowly defined realm of European horror, there is already a lot of incompetence and weirdness and a tendency to abandon logic. So the fact that his horror films are often so weird, and more times than so awful, really isn't all that impressive. However, working in a genre that doesn't carry the baggage of horror film prejudices, one is forced to deal more overtly with Franco's peculiarities. In other words, a weird horror film is just another weird horror film, but a weird spy or caper film seems much weirder because it does not take place in that bizarre world of horror where the bizarre is the point of the genre. Instead, you have to deal with Franco's weirdness as applied to a more recognizably real world (or as real as the world of spy films ever is). Granted, Eurospy films are packed with weirdness and nonsense, but they are also rare and often obscure even to fans of the genre, where as the weirdness of most horror films is a mainstream given.


This serves to augment Franco's whacked-out approach to pretty much all his material and make it glaringly obvious. This means the things he does well tend to shine, just as the things he does poorly (or at least with reckless abandon and disregard for quality) stand out even more than usual. It also serves to better illustrate the techniques and obsessions that go into defining the overall, cross-genre approach of this strange Spanish director, meaning that no matter if it's a spy film or a movie about invisible zombies or something about Frankenstein, there are certain constants that define "the Jess Franco film" at a level above genre categorization, perhaps making "a Jess Franco film" into a genre all itself.

These peculiarities, stylistic flourishes, and lapses in talent and/or judgment that together create the Jess Franco Experience (I think they toured with the Jody Foster Army for a while back in the 80s) have been well-documented in just about every write-up of Jess Franco's work, including my own. His 1969 "spy" film Two Undercover Angels, which was later given the more sexploitation-y but less accurate title Sadisterotica, is no different. You can expect weirdly framed shots, lengthy jazz club stripteases, haphazard editing, vacant acting, and a plot that, at its best, flirts with making any damn sense at all. What sets Two Undercover Angels apart from most of Franco's other films is that, like The Devil Came from Akasava, it's pretty enjoyable even if you haven't steeled yourself to the films of Jess Franco (though you will still need a hearty acceptance of weird filmmaking to squeeze any enjoyment out of it). It's not really a spy film per se, but rather like Deadlier than the Male (which seems to be coming up a lot as I plow through this newest crop of spy film reviews), it's a private detective film with the look and feel of the more jet-set, exotic swingin' spy films of the 1960s. It also adopts the good humored, tongue-in-cheeky, anything-goes attitude of the genre's more freewheeling entries, and it's this quirky sense of winking fun that keeps the film afloat.


The film opens with some sort of a fashion shoot, culminating in a gorgeous lady in a wedding veil and white thigh-high stockings preening in front of a mirror. And then, right as that's happening, we cut to the psychedelic credit sequence, then back to the chick, only now she's being attacked by a sort of ape-looking hirsute beast-man thing. It seems like someone asked Franco where the title sequence should go, and he just shoved it somewhere near the top of his film with no regard for whether or not it made any real sense. The beast man, probably moonlighting from his usual gig prowling the night streets alongside the guy from Night of the Bloody Apes and Paul Naschy in werewolf form (I do believe the three of them comprised the core members of the Jess Franco Experience, or as it was known then, "The Jess Franco Experience featuring Gnashin' Paul Naschy"), is named Morpho, and his job is kidnap beautiful women so they can be menaced to the delight of eccentric artist Klaus Tiller, who paints them in the throes of terror. Then, just to be a dick about it, he covers them in plaster and turns them into sculpture, though I don't know if it really counts as sculpture if all you're doing is pouring plaster over a living person. I know lots of madmen do it, so there must be a name for this artistic discipline, but I don't know it. In New York, I think they call it "performance art."

The disappearance of this --and many other -- women attracts the attention of two sexy international jet-set private eyes known individually as Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rosanna Yanni) and collectively as the Red Lips Detective Agency. I think they toured...oh, never mind. But it does sound like the title of a Tinto Brass film or something starring Shannon Tweed. OK, tangent here: Are Shannon Tweed jokes played out? I'm thinking maybe they are. Like, that's a really out-of-date joke reference, the cult film review equivalent of Martin Short still relying on gags that were tired even before the death of Vaudeville. Do you kids know who Shannon Tweed was? Does Cinemax still play crummy erotic thrillers late at night? Is Cinemax even still around? Why do things change? The world makes me mad. I'm old, and I don't like stuff!


I'm of the opinion that all you need to know of the plot is contained in the summary above, minus my lame old man bit. If you pare it down to, "beautiful women disappear, and two other women try to solve the mystery," then Two Undercover Angels makes sense. If you worry about anything else, the film gets increasingly incoherent. Of course, if you ever go into a Jess Franco film expecting it to be the least bit coherent, you're going to be sorely disappointed and horribly confused. And even if you do pare this film down to a comprehensible high concept, what you have left is still pretty daft. The Red Lips seem to have some sort of connection to Interpol, and I like the idea that, when they could have been chasing terrorists or fighting piracy in the South China Sea or something, Interpol's main concern is solving the case of the disappearing go-go dancers. Actually, I only have the vaguest of ideas regarding what Interpol actually does. I'm an American, and we're protected by Walker Texas Ranger, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Jack Bauer, so we don't need Interpol. With those three on the case, we barely even need the Army.

So for all I know, Interpol's mission isn't to arrest terrorists or combat piracy, and they really do spend the whole day tracking down missing go-go girls and helping out Jackie Chan. It occurs to me, in fact, that everything I think I know about Interpol has come from the Kommisar X films and Jackie Chan's Police Story III: Supercop. And now Two Undercover Angels. So yes, Interpol's mission in the world is to find missing models and go-go girls, slap dames on the bottom, drink cocktails, and put Jackie Chan in a giant metal ring and roll him around a warehouse.


Once Diana and Regina are on the case, the movie becomes a long, welcome procession of atrocious fashion and pointless go-go dancing routines -- both Franco staples, both essential ingredients for a decent movie, as far as I'm concerned. Diana, in particular, wears what has to be one of the most mind-blowingly amazing outfits I've ever seen. Her mega-bell bottomed jumpsuit of many colors is very much the fashion equivalent of taking an LSD trip in an ice cream store staffed entirely by hobo clowns. You could get sucked into that thing and never, ever emerge. We fare better when the girls retire to a beach resort and spend much of the film in cocktail dresses and tiny bikinis. The men, for their part, are a split of the usual Eurospy duds: you have the fat guy in a fedora, you have the mysterious man in a fez and sunglasses, and then some guy in a mustard yellow blazer that looks to have been fashioned from Stein Mart. If it seems like I'm dwelling on the fashion, it's only because Eurospy films, and especially Eurospy films directed by Jess Franco,a re about the look, and clothing plays an important part in setting the proper finger-snappin' tone for the movies.

Franco is well-known for inserting striptease and go-go scenes into his films, sometimes seemingly at completely random points and with no connection to anything else going on in the movie. For my money, you never need a real reason for inserting random striptease and go-go dancing scenes into a movie. Any movie. In fact, as I think I've said before, if I were king of the world, I would decree that every single movie, regardless of the genre or the tone, must contain: 1) random stripteases and go-go dancing scenes, 2) a chimp in a fez who slaps someone upside the head then does that impish chimp (or "chimpish") grin while flipping the guy the bird, and 3) Yor using a giant bat to hang glide into a cave to the tune of bombastic prog rock. Also, ninjas.


Two Undercover Angels is pretty solidly packed with go-go stripteases, all of which are set in that magical nightclub that exists in every Jess Franco film. It's the sort of nightclub I wish I could go to in real life, because not only is the floor show comprised of naked women rolling about and go-go dancing, the clientele is comprised entirely of seedy international playboys, assassins in fezzes and sunglasses, bored members of the idle rich, secret agents in smart suits, and hot women in slinky cocktail dresses. Much of the second half of the film seems to play out in such a setting, when we're not on the beach watching Diana's boobs fall out of her bikini while some guy dressed as either a gaucho or a gondolier plays the guitar. Jess Franco may have his shortcomings as a director, but I can't really find any fault with the universe he creates, which is full of the above-mentioned citizens, along with the occasional hairy werewolf henchman and guys in mustard-yellow blazers. In Jess Franco's universe, nothing has to make sense, and everything is accompanied by a snappy cocktail jazz score. So while I may not want to watch many Jess Franco films, I certainly wouldn't mind living in one.

Speaking of sense, the plot of Two Undercover Angels starts to make less and less of it as things progress. We soon learn that the Red Lips themselves, specifically Regina, may be the true target of the mad artist and his hirsute companion. This causes them to go to the resort, where they much engage in much go-go dancing and lounging about on the beach in little bikinis before the whole film explodes into an utterly ridiculous and incomprehensible finale in which everyone dashes around the hotel trying to either capture, avoid getting captured, or double-cross each other. When the final credits role, you may have no idea what just happened, but like a wild night out drinking and carousing with beautiful women, you'll still know you had a good time.


Two Undercover Angels came out at the height of what I consider to be sort of a golden age for Jess Franco, or as golden as Franco could ever hope to get. Not coincidentally, this is the era in which he was involved primarily in making crackpot spy and caper films. Beginning with Agent Speciale LK in 1967, Franco plowed through a slew of enjoyable films (to me, anyway), including The Blood of Fu Manchu, The Girl From Rio, Justine, The Castle of Fu Manchu, Eugenie, The Bloody Judge, Venus in Furs, and Nightmares Come at Night, culminating with the sexadelic (a word I think must have been coined explicitly to describe Jess Franco films) one-two punch of Vampyros Lesbos and She Killed in Ecstasy. Also nestled in there quite nicely is Kiss Me, Monster, which also features Regina and Diana as the Red Lips on another assignment that makes even less sense than this one. Most of these films contained at least some air of the 60s spy craze about them, though few of them could really be considered actual spy films. His work is tangential to the spy film, most of the time, possessing many of the trappings but never being flat-out espionage thrillers. If you wanted to plot them on some sort of graph, then Franco's movies are more spy than Bulldog Drummond movies, but less spy than a Kommissar X film. In the end, they simply play out like unrestrained comic books.

Franco's direction on Two Undercover Angels is a microcosm of everything that is good and bad about Franco. Keep in mind that, despite the fact that Franco is generally seen as a totally incompetent boob, there were a lot of filmmaking luminaries who had great respect for him as a cinematographer and second unit director (these luminaries would include Orson Welles, among others). And Franco does have moments of brilliance, which is why he's such a hard director to write about. I'd liken him in some ways to Lucio Fulci. Both directors, when they were on their game, could create incredible images. If you simply took stills or small passages of film, it's easy to see how truly inspired some of their visions were. At the same time, a film is more than a procession of images, and it's in the gestalt that Franco, like Fulci, often goes to pieces. Franco often operated without any sense of self-restraint whatsoever, which is why there's so much good stuff in his films, but is also why there is so much tedious, mind-numbingly awful stuff. He would often wear multiple hats, serving as director, editor, cinematographer, and writer (as well as making cameos), and this means that some jobs would get done better than others, and no one was there to reign him in when he started packing his movies with boring crap.


It's in the editing, in particular, that Franco most often fails. His scripts are nonsensical but often fun, especially within the realm of his spy and caper films. His cinematography is often quirky, but it's also full of interesting angles and framing and bright, vibrant colors. But the editing! Oh, the editing! Franco never saw a mundane process he didn't like documenting in its entirety. So you get a lot of scenes of people walking and walking...and walking. Or sitting. Or doing other things that just aren't interesting to watch.

I think his spy films like Two Undercover Angels are much better edited than his horror work, much of which I find unwatchable. In fact, Franco's A Virgin Among the Living Dead has the honor of being one of only two films I turned off and have never bothered to finish watching (the other is the Japanese film Casshern, and Ultraviolet came pretty damn close). But in films like Two Undercover Angels, everything is so bubbly and jubilant and fun that Franco's short-comings are pretty easy to roll with, especially if you can just distract yourself with the outlandish fashion and cool music. Two Undercover Angels boasts all of Franco's negative traits, but hey seem far less noticeable in the film this campy and playful than they do in his drearier horror films. If I had to compare it to anything else, I would say it sports an attitude similar to the later Matt Helm films starring Dean Martin. They ain't all that good, but ya can't help but love 'em. Well, I can't, anyway.

Franco is helped in delivering a fun movie by the cast, who all perform admirably. Janine Reynaud looks good and performs with charisma and energy. Franco had recently worked with her on the film Succubus, and liked her performance so much that he immediately set about making another film to feature her. I don't know if she ever played the muse the way Soledad Miranda, and later Lina Romay, did for Franco, but he has a long and steady history of building whole periods of filmmaking around a single leading lady. Reynaud already had several Eurospy films tucked into her dayglo bell bottom jumpsuit, including Mission to Caracas, Special Code: Assignment Lost Formula, Agente Logan - missione Ypotron, and Mission Casablanca. In 1968, she worked with Franco for the first time, on Succubus, and would go on to work with him on both of the Red Lips films. She also appeared in a couple saucy sexploitation films from Max Pecas, as well as the superb Sergio Martino directed giallo The Case of the Scorpion's Tale. She seems to disappear almost entirely after 1973, though I don't know the reason. Her work in Two Undercover Angels is exceptionally enjoyable, though, played with a wink and a quick kiss, but never annoyingly so. She's joking around, but she's also being friendly and warm about it.


Her co-star, Rosanna Yanni, looks kind of like a transvestite sometimes, but I don't hold that against her. Franco does have a tendency to swab his female leads in a little too much make-up, and his frequent use of close-ups, bright lighting, and bad touch ups can sometimes wreak havoc on a face. The first time I saw Yanni was in the Paul Naschy film, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, which um, is a werewolf movie. Actually, it's a werewolf movie where the werewolf (there the werewolf!) fights vampires. Frankenstein? Yeah, he's not in it. You'll have to watch Santo & Blue Demon vs. Doctor Frankenstein if you want some Frankenstein action. Anyway, from there she went on to appear in a movie I should probably see, White Comanche starring William Shatner. Only if your last movie was White Comanche starring William Shatner could working on a Jess Franco film be considered a major step up. She didn't work with Franco much beyond the Red Lips films, but she stayed busy in Spanish horror and action films and ended up working with pretty much all of the major directors of those genres during the 70s, including Leon Klimovsky, Amando de Ossorio, and more outings with Naschy (including Dracula's True Love, which is another movie I came awful close to turning off and never finishing again). She also appeared in one of my favorite curiosities, War Goddess, a boobs 'n' barbarian banes exploitation classic directed by a slumming Terence Young, best known for directing most of the Sean Connery Bond films. Unlike her Two Undercover Angels co-star, Yanni would continue working well into the 80s, and still makes the occasional appearance. Although she looks a little mannish here, she's still an able performer, and more than willing to do at least half a dozen scenes where Morpho sneaks up and grabs her from behind. She has great chemistry with Reynaud, and while only in a Jess Franco film could these two ditzy dames ever successfully solve baffling international crimes, both Yanni and Reynaud are likeable and, within the context of this loopy film, perfectly believable.


Everyone overacts and hams it up, but such histrionics are called for in a movie this loony. There's even a bit of moustache twirling, just in case you were worried. There are plenty of men in the film, but other than Morpho (Michel Lemoine), there's no real reason or way to remember any of them beyond the most basic of traits -- they guy in the fez, the fat guy, the old guy with the epic moustache, the guy in the yellow blazer, etc. The show really belongs to Yanni and Reynaud, and to Franco's elaborately staged go-go striptease sequences. Everything else, including most of the plot, is superfluous, at best, and most of the time it just gets in the way.

The Red Lips detectives made their first appearance in 1960, in a black and white Jess Franco film called, simply, Labios Rojos, starring Suzanne Medel and Ana Castor as Christina and Lola respectively. The film was never released in the United States, and indeed it seems as if very few (if any) people have seen hide or hair of it since the original release. It's the pair of 1969 films starring Yanni and Reynaud that define the concept, for anyone who would happen to have a definition of such concepts, that is. Franco would resurrect the Red Lips during the 70s, in two fairly awful films starring Lina Romay, and although I love Lina, those films possess none of the charm of the 60s films, but do contain all of the really bad attempts at comedy.


Of course, a positive review of any Jess Franco film has to be issued with some serious caveats. Two Undercover Angels is not the film for everyone. If your most outre experience with spy or private eye films is You Only Live Twice, then it's unlikely you will get much out of Two Undercover Angels. Wading through the copious amounts of nonsense, bad comedy, and offbeat pacing is more than the average film fan will endure. If you watch a lot of Eurospy films, however, you're a little bit better suited for watching Two Undercover Angels and enjoying it, because you'll be accustomed to quirky spy films with crazy fashion and convoluted plots. Similarly, if you waded into the sillier waters of spy films from other countries -- Black Tight Killers from Japan, for instance, or Dino's Matt Helm films -- you'll probably be better suited to roll with a film as oddball as Two Undercover Angels. I don't know how fans of Franco horror films (I know there must be some) will react. The lack of blood, coyness about nudity (there is some, but it's mostly flashes and teasing), and overall light-as-a-feather mood of the film might put them off. I mean, Morpho has bad facial hair, and may even qualify as a monster, but that's not much.

I really enjoyed Two Undercover Angels, though. It's fun and completely weird. It has major flaws, as most Jess Franco films do, but I find them pretty easy to ignore when everything else bops along so breezily. Some day, I'm going to take this, Kiss Me Monster, Blue Rita, The Devil came from Akasava, The Girl from Rio, and Franco's two Fu Manchu films and edit them all together into one massive orgy of disco lights, go-go dancing, naked women, and insane fashion. It would hardly make any less sense than any one of those films taken on their own.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 4 Comments


Friday, December 02, 2005

The President's Analyst

1967, United States. Starring James Coburn, Godfrey Cambridge, Severn Darden, Joan Delany, Pat Harrington, Jill Banner, Eduard Franz, Walter Burke, William Daniels. Directed by Theodore Flicker. Written by Theodore Flicker. Purchase from Amazon.com.

The President's Analyst is without a doubt one of my all-time favorite films, starring one of my all-time favorite actors, James Coburn. In the genre of espionage and spy films, it may be my favorite, struggling on a regular basis for said top spot with From Russia With Love, Our Man Flint, Dr. No, and Danger: Diabolik -- which I know isn't actually a spy or espionage film, but it's close enough. Some of those other movies look better, have better art design (is anything really ever going to top Diabolik for costumes and outrageous pop art set design?), but there is something about modest little President's Analyst that keeps it a hair above the rest. That something, by and large, is the message and overall tone of the movie, which is far more in line with my own philosophies about the world than some of the more authoritarian spy movies.

Coburn plays Dr. Sidney Schaefer, a successful Manhattan psychotherapist with a penchant for meditating while playing the gong and trying to "figure out what it's all about." One of his patients, Don Masters (legendary character actor Godfrey Cambridge), happens to be a secret agent in the government organization CEA -- a fact he finally reveals to Schaefer when he announces that the purpose of his visits has actually been to assess whether or not Dr. Schaefer would be a qualified analyst for the President of the United States, who is suffering from all sorts of mental maladies and stress-related problems. Schaefer is taken aback at first, but after consulting with his own psychiatrist, who had recommended Schaefer to the CEA as the right man for the job, and sorting things out with his girlfriend, Nan (Joan Delaney), he accepts.

The idea of hiring a citizen for such a sensitive position doesn't sit well with Henry Lux (Walter Burke), the diminutive head of the FBR, another government organization, and one that seems as interested in competing with the CEA in an ongoing turf war as they are interested in protecting the security of the United States. Any similarity to real U.S. intelligence agencies and real intelligence agency in-fighting and petty territoriality is purely coincidental, of course. Lux is immediately hostile toward Schaefer, and disgusted by the doctor's enlightened lifestyle and flirtations with Bohemian sympathies. Unmarried people living together? Sympathy for the peace movement? Lux feels Schaefer is an insult to fine, old-fashioned, American values and moral repression.

Schaefer enjoys his job at first, and marvels at the incredible load the President has to carry on his shoulders. But when the President begins calling for him and all hours of the day, Schaefer's patience with the man begins to grapple with his compassion. Before too long, lack of sleep coupled with the fact that he has a wealth of confidential information about the president that even the invasive FBR would envy starts to make Schaefer paranoid. He begins seeing spies and assassins everywhere, even behind the eyes of his girlfriend. There's only one problem with Sidney's paranoia: it's all completely well-founded. Everyone around him is a spy, and they're all anxious to either learn what he knows about the President, or trap him in some sort of predicament that will allow them to justify killing the poor doctor. Unable to take the incessant whining of the President and cope with his own growing paranoia, Dr. Schaefer plots an escape from the White House by befriending a family from new Jersey who happened to be touring the White House and telling them that the President is interested in having them interviewed so he can better understand the sentiments and concerns of average American people. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if the President actually did care about such things?

Sidney's flight from the White House is all Lux needs to determine that the doctor is some hippie commie traitor, and he assigns the men of the FBR to assassinate Schafer before he defects or is captured by enemy agents. Everyone from Russia to China to England wants to get a hold of Schaefer and pick his brain. Masters and the CEA are more sympathetic to Sidney's breakdown, and they want to find him and bring him back in before he's captured by foreign spies or killed by the FBR.

And so begins Sidney's bizarre odyssey across the United States as he attempts to simply find a little peace and quiet and locate a nice place where he can relax and not be spied on. What really sets this movie apart from others is that it's soundly and obviously informed by a political and social message. You wouldn't necessarily want to look to the James Bond movies for political messages, even if politics inhabit the world that makes the Bond movies possible. With The President's Analyst however, the social messages are in the forefront and, indeed, the main reason for the film to exist. The petty bickering between the FBR and the CEA is going to be tragically familiar to anyone who has paid attention to our recent dance with intelligence failures that arose directly out of the unwillingness of the FBI and CIA to swap notes from time to time.

At the same time, The President's Analyst doesn't take the easy liberal road of saying, "everything is bad, man." The CEA, as characterized by Godfrey Cambridge's Don Masters, is made up of generally decent people who balance their concern for national security with their concern for personal privacy and freedom (there's your clue that this is a work of fiction). The Jersey family Schaefer uses as his escape route are also an interesting social commentary. Headed by another famous character actor, William Daniels, the Quantrills are "classical liberals." Given today's definition of "liberal," which grows closer and closer to socialism (don't worry -- oddly enough, even conservatives seems to be moving closer to socialism, or am I thinking of totalitarianism -- oh, is there even a difference anymore), people may have forgotten what it used to mean. The Quantrills are staunch public supporters of the Civil Rights movement, for example, but they're also staunch supporters of the Second Amendment, and patriarch Wynn Quantrill's sizeable arsenal of handguns is, in his eyes, in the true spirit of the Second Amendment, which was not, as if often mistakenly thought, there to allow you protect yourself against criminals. It's there so you can defend yourself against the tyranny of your own government. And Mrs. Quantrill, while still the housewife, is an "enlightened suburbanite" who enjoys ethnic cuisine and judo classes. The whole Quantrill clan firmly believes in self-sufficiency and the classical idea of rugged individualism, but still have found it perfectly acceptable to become parts of the local community. Schaefer admires them, at least until the large number of guns and the judo-chopping wife cause him to think that the Quantrills might be spies too.

The President's Analyst also takes a progressive attitude toward the Cold War. Russian secret agent Kropotkin (Severn Darden, yet another solid character actor -- this movie really has a stupendous cast) is after Sidney, same as all the other agents of the world, but he's as friendly and sympathetic as Don Masters -- who happens to be his old friend, resulting in one of my favorite lines, when a disguised Masters confronts a disguised Kropotkin and barks at him in Russian, to which Kropotkin says, "Please, no Russian. I'm spying!" It's really the delivery that makes it so funny. In the eyes of this movie, the Russians may be rivals, but they're really not the dangerous enemies. The greatest threat to American freedom comes from America itself, and the willingness of America to sacrifice freedom in the name of protecting freedom -- something been Franklin warned about, and yet another sentiment that keeps this movie disturbingly timely in this era of the Patriot Act and random bag searches on the street.

At the same time, however, Schaefer is put off by how enthusiastically the Quantrills have accepted violence as a healthy part of American life, to the point that they become just as shrill and overbearing as the "Nazis and fascists" against which they stand in the suburban battlefield. The movie frequently assumes this point of view, that extremism in any direction is just fascism, regardless of whether it's to the left or right, and that maybe, once in a while, people should just take a deep breath, relax, and actually think about something rather than spouting slogans and refusing to listen to anyone else.

My favorite part of the whole movie is the sequence that begins with Sidney and the Quantrills being attacked after leaving a Chinese restaurant in Manhattan. While the Quantrills defend themselves competently thanks to their guns and judo training (another of the film's very funny moments), Sidney escapes capture by hiding in a nearby van which happens to be owned by a group of trippy hippie musicians. They offer him refuge and a chance to relax among people who don't want to hurt him and don't demand anything from him, so long as he's willing to answer one question:

"Are you a man of violence?"

The way in which Coburn look sat them and then answers, "No," is really wonderful, even touching, and a fine example of just how sublime this film can be. It's not really a moment I can properly communicate in a review, and maybe not even one other people will find as effective and poignant as I do, but I absolutely love it. The hippies help Schaefer elude capture by the Chinese and FBR agents being thrashed by the Quantrills, and for the first time since becoming the titular President's analyst, Schaefer is able to relax and trust people. At least for a little while. In a great scene in which he lies in a field with one of the hippie girls (Snow White, played by Jill banner), a veritable armada of assassins and agents creep through the swaying tall grass, each agent offed by a rival agent sneaking up behind him, until finally Kropotkin offs the last of the agents but allows Schaefer and the girl to walk away, completely oblivious to the danger that previously surrounded them. There's a wonderful aerial shot of Schaefer and Snow White wading through the grass while Masters stands in the middle of a half a dozens trails that end in dead enemy agents.

The inspired cap to the hippie sequence involves Schaefer, disguised in a turtleneck, fur vest, shaggy mop top wig, and sunglasses banging wildly on a gong after joining the band while FBR agents who have managed to track him down drink acid-laced juice and have groovy freak-outs. Unfortunately, another one of the bands on the bill for the night is actually a group of Canadians agents who are keen on capturing Schaefer not so much because they want to know what's in his head as they are desperate to prove that their country isn't just some goofy, easy-to-ignore nation. The FBR, however, shows up to make short work of the Canadians and continue their efforts to execute Schaefer.


It's Kropotkin to the rescue, but his plan to bring Schaefer to Russia is derailed when Schaefer takes Kropotkin on as a patient and helps the Russian spook understand why he's so unhappy. The two of them then decide to say to hell with the whole game and go somewhere where they can just live their lives without incessant prying form the governments and spies of the world. Masters seems prone to join them, but before they can get the doctor back to Washington to sort the whole mess with the FBR out, Schaefer is kidnapped by yet another player, known only as TPC, in the game of espionage, though this one surprises them all.

The President's Analyst really does just about everything right. It's full of messages about paranoia, the invasion of privacy, micromanaging bureaucracies, personal liberty, and national security, but it isn't preachy or heavy-handed in its handling of the material. It's easy to swallow even if you don't agree. And even though the movie is serious about its messages, everything is presented in a comedic wrapper. This movie is frequently laugh-out-loud hilarious to me, even when the parallels to current events are tragically spot-on. While certain aspects of the movie may seem dated (the sweetness and light hippies, for example), the political and social situation it presents is frighteningly familiar. The message that paranoia about other countries should be secondary to keeping an eye on the actions of your own resonates with me, as does Schaefer's revelation that a man of peace can be a man of peace because other men are willing to be men of violence, and to swear allegiance wholly to one philosophy or the other is to be a hypocrite -- especially when faced with a private army of goons armed with machine guns. It's the willingness to resort to violence exhibited by the Quantrills that saves him in Greenwich Village, and the willingness of Masters to kill that saves him in the field. Schaefer himself realizes that there are instances when, tragic though it may be, the human condition forces one to resort to violence, though violence should always be looked at as a last resort against "hostile sons of bitches."

It's delightfully prescient on the road the Cold War would take. As Kropotkin explains to Schaefer why he shouldn't be upset about going to Russia, he says, "Every day your country becomes more socialistic, my country becomes more capitalistic. Pretty soon we'll meet in the middle and join hands." The paranoia of the governments is small potatoes compared to the paranoia that really matters: that of the government about its own people, or the left about the right, right about the left, government departments about one another. In the end, Kropotkin was completely right. The US has become more socialistic and authoritarian; Russia less so, relative at least to how it was previously. And the real danger ended up being allowing our own government to curtail liberty in the name of satisfying their paranoia about an outside enemy. Now, of course, we have Islamic Fundamentalists standing in for Mother Russia, and this particular enemy makes for a much hotter conflict than the Cold War ever was. Still, it's not exactly a secret that many of the security measures taken since the launch of the "war on terror" have little to no impact on making Americans safer, but have a severe impact when it comes to chipping away at our personal freedom and already badly battered Constitution. It is a cry, almost, from someone who sees the two choices the establishment presents us with and isn't satisfied with settling for either of them and those organizations, public and private, who would legislate away every last freedom in the name of "protecting us from ourselves" or because "it's for your own good."

If The President's Analyst seems, at times, somewhat confused and neurotic regarding its take on the world, can you really blame it? Aren't you? Anyone who tried to grapple with such matters and doesn't come away at least somewhat confused and conflicted simply hasn't comprehended the larger picture. What's important for a movie like this, and what makes it better than so many other "message movies," isn’t that it tell you the answer. It's just a movie, after all, and the answer for one person in one situation isn't going to be the answer for someone else in a different situation. What's important is that it makes you want to find the answers for yourself, or at least give it all some thought instead of remaining unquestioning and swallowing the propaganda and misleading soundbites that both ends of the spectrum try to cram down your throat.

It's not exactly standard fare for the spy genre, or the comedy genre, and if The President's Analyst has any peers, it would be Dr. Strangelove, even more than Coburn's "Derek Flint" movies, thought the Flint movies were certainly informed by the same distrust of authority and sympathy for the counter-culture that is so pronounced in The President's Analyst. Those looking for an action-packed, no-frills thriller may be put off by the film's earnest outlook on society, which manages to be both pessimistic and hopeful. However, this is still a James Coburn spy-comedy, so there's plenty of action, fist fights, daring escapes, stiletto-flinging, and of course a vast, space-age secret lair. There are also tons of great sight gags -- the best of which would be the fact that all the agents of the FBR dress identically and none of them are over five feet tall, thought he sight of Coburn tossing his hippie hair about and playing the gong on stage is priceless, as well.

It's rare that a movie manages to be this smart, thrilling, hilarious, and satisfying. The movie deftly juggles its many sentiments and expertly delivers something that is equal parts cynical satire, black humor, whimsical farce, thrilling action, despair, and hope. I think I end up watching it at least once a month, and nothing about it ever gets tired to me. It's a damn shame the film seems to have been lost in the jumble, though the people who have watched it lately seem overwhelmingly positive about it, which is encouraging. Not that I'm sad about the Flint movies getting the bulk of the attention -- they are wonderful films, after all -- but folks ought to take some time out and acquaint themselves with The President's Analyst. It's an absolute joy.

Labels: ,

posted by Keith at | 2 Comments


Sunday, August 15, 2004

Mummy's Shroud

1967, Great Britain. Starring André Morell, John Phillips, David Buck, Elizabeth Sellars, Maggie Kimberly, Michael Ripper, Tim Barrett, Richard Warner, Roger Delgado, Catherine Lacey, Dickie Owen, Toolsie Persaud, Eddie Powell. Directed by John Gilling. Buy it from Amazon.

Ho hum, the mummy again. That wouldn't normally be my reaction, as I'm rather a fan of mummies and the havoc they wreak upon the living, but this entry into the Hammer compendium of vengeful Egyptian crypt guardians manages to do very little beyond eliciting a yawn. This was their third mummy movie. The second, Curse of the Mummy's Tomb remains as yet unavailable on DVD, though I do believe there is an RL Stine "Goosebumps" story with the same title.

The Mummy's Shroud's problems are several, and not the least of them is the fact that it fulfills what seems to be the mummy's curse demanding that all mummy movies be more or less exactly like all other mummy movies. There is practically nothing at all on display in this film that is new or fresh. The plot is a rehash of the tried and true and terribly over-used mummy movie plot involving an expedition that disturbs a mummy's tomb only to have some mad Arab resurrect the mummy and send it out to kill those who desecrated the temple. Honestly, the things you can do with a mummy are rather limited, so the spark in the story must come from telling it in a unique fashion, or injecting some new element into the proceedings to keep them, at the very least, fresher than the cloth-swathed beast delivering terror on the screen.

But there will be none of that here. The Mummy's Shroud hits the requisite points but nothing innovative with them. A far cry it is from Hammer's successful and invigorating original film, which managed to bring a new twist to Universal's classic Karloff film. Hammer should have learned a thing or two from Universal though, who followed up Karloff's masterpiece with a series of increasingly lame and lackluster sequels that offered nothing new to the formula or mythology. Instead, Hammer's cloth-wrapped feet tread down the same precarious trail.


The Mummy's Shroud, as I said, takes the story from various other mummy movies and puts it out there one more time. We begin with a painfully long prologue, narrated I believe by Peter Cushing - a fact that will only make you all the more aware of the fact that this movie is sadly bereft of Peter and could have really used him. Half the prologue takes place as the camera pans lazily over various "ancient" paintings, which is the first obvious clue that this is going to be a film rather on the cheap side of things. When we switch to actual action for the second half of the prologue, it's plagued by the same troubles I thought plagued the first film's Egyptian sets, only more so. Nothing looks the least bit convincing. Everything looks fake, lightweight, and far too clean. The difference between The Mummy's Shroud and The Mummy is that the 1959 film managed to make up for whatever short-comings manifested themselves in the Egyptian sets by boasting a tight story and great acting from the team of Cushing and Lee - and Lee without even speaking! The Mummy's Shroud doesn't have enough going for it in the story or acting department to distract from the high-school play cheapness of some of the sets.

The thing about the prologue is that not only is it long, it's pretty much totally unnecessary. You could wrap it all up, so to speak, in a few quick sentences of exposition, or Peter Cushing could have simply come on and said, "Listen up, folks. It's the same old thing, really." Eventually, we get to the present or to the 1920s anyway, and once again a team of British archaeologists s raiding the tomb of a long-dead Egyptian king. Even the knife-wielding mad Arab can't dissuade them from carting out the jerky-like mummy of a young boy-king. The Arab this time around is pretty foul. In the 1959 film, there was at least an attempt to give the Arab class and sophistication and intelligence, not to mention a compelling argument against the desecration of tombs by foreign archaeologists who were frequently condescending to "the natives," treating their tombs as classrooms in ways they would never treat the tombs of whites. This time around, however, the mad Arab is all spittle and bulging eyes. And for your money, you get another mad Arab in the form of the cackling fortune-telling crone.

But at least there's something memorable about those two. The greater portion of the cast, that is to say, the British portion of the cast is comprised largely of characters who exist solely so they can be killed by the mummy. Mario Bava's 1971 thriller Twitch of the Death Nerve is generally tagged as the first slasher film, but if you break slashers down to their basic components, you could say with some degree of security that, if they didn't start with this particular mummy movie, they did start in some mummy movie, and The Mummy's Shroud as about as typical a slasher film as you can get, except that instead of half naked teenagers getting killed, it's fully clothed British academics. But still, you have the unstoppable killing machine. You have the old weirdo spouting portents of doom. You have a cast of largely interchangeable and disposable characters who only exist to be killed, and you have said killings growing ever more ludicrous.


Our nominal heroes are Paul (David Buck) and Claire (Maggie Kimberly), but it doesn't take much for them to be heroes in a film populated by spittle-spurting crazed Arabs and immoral, greedy millionaires who sweat profusely. The film's best scene is the finale, in which this particular mummy does provide the film with a little originality by forsaking the usual method of mummy attack (sort of swatting people with your forearms and choking them or throwing them out a window) and just picks up an ax. You know, there are plenty of images in this world that should chill you, but one thing I sure as hell never want to see is a mummy coming after me with a big ax. I don't really even want to see a mummy without an ax coming after me. People tend to scoff at mummies as monsters because they are frequently plodding. Well, first of all, they must have missed Christopher Lee as the mummy leaping through windows and hauling undead ass across the misty British countryside. Second, the thing about mummies is that they never stop coming after you. Once you're attracted the ire of the cloth-wrapped avenger, he's always going to be looking for you. And sometimes, he'll have an ax.

I guess to highlight the positive, another thing this movie does a little differently is that, at least for once, the mummy isn't swayed by the appearance of a woman who looks just like some long lost love of his.


And speaking of mummies, let's speak of the mummy. Technically, we have two mummies in the story. One remains in active and looks like mummies you might see on TV. He has no wrappings and is just a shriveled preserved corpse. This would be the body of the boy-king. Why he just got thrown in the sand with a shroud over him while his servant got to get wrapped up and properly stored I didn't quite understand. The second mummy, the servant, is the one who does the killing. Although the face was modeled after an actual mummy on display in England, the mummy itself is rather silly looking. It's bandages look more like a big jersey, and the face is too packed with "the crust of the ancients" to afford the creature any of the range displayed by Christopher Lee during his turn as the ancient Egyptian avenger. Though the idea may have been to make the mummy less of a "human" character and more of an unstoppable supernatural force, what it actually did was just make the mummy more of a dry character (sorry), and thus a lot less interesting. The one scene where we do see the mummy's eyes, we're treated to a rather unconvincing animatronic model. There is a reason people remember Christopher Lee as the mummy but not Eddie Powell.

But again, a crummy mummy (again, sorry) could have been compensated for by a good script. With that absent as well, The Mummy's Shroud just collapses in on itself much like its mummy in the final scene. This movie does have a couple other decent scenes. The mummy's attack on a photographer of no importance to the story is exciting, if totally irrelevant. And his assault on the beleaguered assistant to the sweating millionaire asshole is probably the film's only emotionally engaging scene as it seems so unfair that the abused toady remains abused and then just gets offed by the mummy. Unfortunately, it's not enough to string together into a good movie, and while The Mummy's Shroud isn't a total loss, it's really the sort of film only for people like me, who are Hammer and/or mummy completists.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Sunday, July 18, 2004

Easy Come, Easy Go

1967, United States. Starring Elvis Presley, Dodie Marshall, Pat Priest, Pat Harrington Jr., Skip Ward, Sandy Kenyon, Frank McHugh, Ed Griffith, Read Morgan, Mickey Elley, Elaine Beckett, Shari Nims, Diki Lerner. Directed by John Rich. Available on DVD from Amazon

Time for another Elvis movie (is it ever time for another Elvis movie?), this time one of his most curiously square. I don't need to go over yet again how most of Elvis' films made him out to actually be less hip and daring than Frankie Avalon, quite a feat given who and what Elvis was before they had him mugging for the camera and singing show tunes. Like most fans of Elvis, I've lamented how goofy the majority of his films were, even if some of them remain enjoyable never the less. In defense of the films as a whole, though, and in particular of Colonel Parker's decision to keep Elvis firmly planted in the world of breezy musical comedy, the few times Elvis was allowed to flew his dramatic muscles in a more challenging film, the films almost always flopped. Older filmgoers didn't want to see Elvis in anything, and younger filmgoers didn't want to see him suffering and dying and killing or other dark things like that. So from a financial standpoint, which seems to be the only standpoint the Colonel ever recognized, Elvis comedies were the better bet.

But money couldn't keep Presley interested, and by the middle of the 1960s, his performances were becoming as shabby as the films surrounding them, just as his physical appearance was deteriorating from lack of care as well. By 1966's Paradise, Hawaiian Style, Elvis hardly even looked like himself, and shades of the sweaty, fat Elvis we endured just before his death hover over the images of Elvis in that final Hawaiian escapade.

Someone must have kicked the King into gear though, because a couple films later, we find him looking in much better shape. Perhaps because he was getting primed for his fabled 1968 comeback, the Elvis on display in 1967's Easy Come, Easy Go is a much trimmer, fit, and handsome man than the weirdly bloated and bleary-eyed shadow from the past couple films. Unfortunately, no amount of Elvis working out to get back in good physical shape can help him come out of the monumentally dippy film around him looking anything but a clueless square. Easy Come, Easy Go finds Elvis films trying to relate to those crazy beatniks, freaks, and other counter-culture creations that were emerging as the United States was plunged into its famously tumultuous late 1960s. Since it was all old Hollywood men trying to write hip, the movie isn't so much a trip to the counter-culture for Elvis as it is a slightly less hip Frankie and Annette beach movie full of fake beatniks, "crazy" artists, blessed out hippies, and yoga.

Elvis stars as Ted Jackson, fresh out of the Navy where, completing his work as an underwater demolitions expert who was defusing leftover floating mines, he finds a sunken ship containing a treasure chest. Determined to get the treasure before the standard-issue Elvis movie rich guy, he enlists the aid of his old musician-turned-beatnik pal and a typically cute Elvis movie beatnik girl, Jo, played by Dodie Marshall.

Of course, chasing after a beatnik girl, even one that tends to don skimpy, brightly-colored bikinis and frolic about when she isn't trying to raise money for an alternative art center or raise consciousness with yoga, means that straight-man Elvis will be placed in a variety of wacky situations where he'll have to wear black turtlenecks or deal with spaced-out performance artists covered in spaghetti. He'll also have to sing a few songs with his old buddy while the girl go-go dances. And even though the movie requires the resident freaks to groove to Elvis' crooning, the songs are the painfully out-of-date show tune quality fluff we've all come to expect from whomever the hell was penning Elvis movie songs. In other words, it's not the kind of stuff you typically find beatniks enjoying. Hilarity also ensues when Elvis inadvertently finds himself twisted into a pretzel during some obnoxious hippy woman's yoga class.

And it is at this point that I have to issue an apology to "Song of the Shrimp." That awful tune from Elvis' Girls! Girls! Girls! has been the butt of countless jokes any time I needed a good example of the worst music and Elvis movie has to offer. Well, "Song of the Shrimp" can rest easy now, smug in the fact that I've learned a valuable lesson upon hearing the phenomenally, indescribably, incomprehensibly awful "Yoga is as Yoga Does." Making matters worse is that this song is partially performed by a rather beefy woman in the typical "earth mother" flowing hippie dress. I didn't even realize until looking at the credits that this was Elsa Lanchester. Yes, the bride of Frankenstein herself, looking somewhat worse for the wear - and I always thought the bride of Frankenstein was weirdly hot.

The other songs aren't nearly as bad as some in previous Elvis movies, but there's a reason you've never heard of any of them. There were surprisingly few musical numbers in this movie, especially compared to some of the previous movies I've seen where there is more singing than talking, and sometimes there's no talking at all before the next musical number fires up. There are only a handful of musical numbers here, and none of the big "blow-out" type of musical finales that you might expect. They're all pretty low key and revolve primarily around performances in the music club or art colony.

The only surprise from this otherwise typical Elvis vehicle is how surprisingly un-awful it is. By this point, Elvis movies had really started to hit rock bottom, but Easy Come, Easy Go finds the King at least marginally engaging in a film that is more enjoyable than it should be, and certainly more enjoyable than the last five or six films, primarily because its attempts to relate to the burgeoning counter-culture (not that beatniks were exactly new in the late 1960s In fact, they themselves were somewhat anachronistic by the time) are so hilariously misguided and nerdish. I'm not happy that it made Elvis himself, the coolest cat ever to prowl the planet, seem like such a goofball, but at least the film around him is fun enough so that you don't mind so much. It's nowhere near as creepy as watching him sweat and wheeze in Paradise, Hawaiian Style. And I guess, in it's way, it was sort of a true rendering of what Elvis was becoming as the Summer of Love drew nearer: outdated. Unable to relate to the kids. Someone their parents liked. A straight who couldn't dig the things being done by The Beatles or Jimi Hendrix or Janis Joplin. Sha-Na-Na at Woodstock, if you will. Out of his element, all Elvis has to do is marvel at the kooks and their crazy art happenings.

Actress Dodie Marshall didn't have much a film career before or after this movie. In fact, her only other film credit comes from the previous year in Elvis' Spinout. Despite her limited filmography and the obvious fact that she was more or a less a non-actress cast simply because she was so darn cute, she acquits herself fairly enough here, although in typical Elvis movie fashion about all she has to do is pout or beam, depending on the scene. Like Ann-Margret before her, she's also obliged to attempt some go-go dancing from time to time, and as cute as Dodie is, I'd have to say that the go-go dancing should be left to Ann-Margret or that insanely gyrating Candy Johnson from the Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello beach movies.

Since all Elvis movies have to feature the slightly evil (but usually redeemed by Elvis' charms) bombshell, this movie also gives us the delectable Pat Priest as Dina, funder of the evil rich guy's schemes to swindle Elvis out of the treasure salvage. If Pat is well known for anything, it's as daughter Marilyn on The Munsters. She's looking positively gorgeous here, where she is required primarily to lounge about in a bikini, pilot her yacht, insult the prep school bully she's funding, and flirt with Elvis.

Other supporting cast perform to the usual serviceable to over-the-top standards, with veteran Frank McHugh as Captain Jack and Diki Lerner as the space cadet beatnik artist Zoltan really hamming it up. Elvis, as I said, seems at least partially interested and puts more effort into this role than most of his most recent previous roles. He's back in shape and his hair is looking good, and he was probably happy that he got to beat a guy up and parade around in diving gear. Pat Harrington as Elvis' beatnik buddy is pretty good, though he's even less of a believable beatnik than Bob Denver's Maynard Krebs from The Doby Gillis Show.

I'm guessing the plot as well as some of the underwater action was heavily influenced by 1965's underwater James Bond extravaganza, Thunderball. That movie proved to be the exception to the rule that scuba and underwater scenes drag a film's pacing to a screeching halt. While the scuba scenes in Easy Come, Easy Go aren't so bad as to derail a film that arguably isn't exactly on any rails to begin with, they aren't exactly scintillating. Still, most of the time all you can ask for in an underwater action scene is that it doesn't bore you to tears, and Easy Come, Easy Go managed at least to refrain from mind-numbing tedium when it dips below the surface of the ocean.

If you're in the mood for any later-era Elvis movie, then Easy Come, Easy Go is among the least harmless. While it's nowhere near the caliber of film that either Blue Hawaii or Viva Las Vegas were, this is probably one of the better, if not the best, late-era Elvis movies. The songs are forgettable, with the exception of "Yoga is as Yoga Does," which is memorable for all the wrong reasons. But nothing here is especially bad, at least not relative to the standards of an Elvis movie. And heck, anything that involves treasure hunting is going to be slightly interesting to me, if nothing else. Plus, the film's hilariously square attempts to seem hip within the reference frame of the late 1960s make it funnier than it actually is. Most of the actual attempts at humor fall flat, the worst of which is the comic relief in the form of the old salt of the sea who has never actually been out on the ocean. So I wouldn't urge you to rush out and see Easy Come, Easy Go, but I wouldn't warn you away from it, either.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 1 Comments


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

X from Outer Space

1967, Japan. Starring Toshiya Wazaki, Peggy Neal, Eiji Okada, Shinichi Yanagisawa, Itoko Harada, Franz Gruber, Mike Danning, Toshinari Kazusaki, Keisuke Sonoi. Directed by Kazui Nihonmatsu.

Sadly enough, I've had this film sitting around on my cluttered shelves for about ten years now, and I only got around to watching it very recently. What a sad, pathetic fool I have been! Oh in so many ways that rings true, but for the purposes of this review, let's restrict it to the fact that I've one of the absolute swankiest, coolest Japanese monster movies of all time sitting right under my nose, and I didn't even know it.

Imagine Godzilla with a severe dose of Our Man Flint or any of the Matt Helm films. Imagine Gerry Anderson's UFO meets Japanese kaiju eiga. Imagine flying to the moon where men in silver space suits recline in bean bags, sip martinis, and cut the rug with their female counterparts, who have taken the time to switch out of their shiny space suits and into orange cocktail dresses. Then throw a giant monster smashing up Japan into the works, and you will just barely begin to fathom how insanely cool this movie is.

Our movie begins with a flight into space. The year? Who can tell? We have super slick rockets and space gizmos, but we're still driving 1960s style sedans. A team of astronauts (three Japanese men and one American woman) are going into space to see what happened to a bunch of missing space ships. Not exactly the mission one would want. "A UFO had slaughtered every crew we've sent. Go see what's up with that."

Anyway, the crew is the archetypal 1960s space movie crew. There's the spunky but not-quite-liberated woman. There's the stoic and stern captain with regret in his heart. There's the sweaty weird doctor guy. And there's the wacky guy. I am guessing that, sadly, even many of the readers of this website aren't familiar with old 1940s-1960s science fiction, which is a damn shame. If you are, you know that every rocket to the moon, or Venus, or wherever was required to staff one "wacky guy," usually named Jimmy or Corky or Scooter.

No one is sure why or how these guys got their job. They spend most the movie sucking up to the captain, hitting unsuccessfully on the ladies, and doing madcap things like forgetting there is no gravity in space or accidentally opening the window of the capsule or something. You can recognize them by a few distinguishing characteristics, such as frequent scratching of the head, a seemingly permanent "dazed and confused but still happy" look, and their addiction to wearing baseball caps, or at least futuristic versions of the baseball cap. They would, at first, seem like the kind of guy you really wouldn't want on your spaceship.

But they must be doing something right. I mean, in the space flight of the previous thirty or so years, we've never sent up a crew with a genuine wacky guy. And where are we? Haven't even gotten past the damn moon, where missions with wacky guys would be halfway through the "Galaxy of Terror" or something by now. The course of action is clear. More wacky guys in space!

There might have been a wacky guy on the Mir space station. But then, he may also have just been drunk.

Anyway, no sooner does the rocket blast off than the cocktail music begin. We're talking style here, real "Tijuana Taxi" type stuff. On their way to Mars, the rocket is pestered by a UFO that looks like a giant lumpy fried egg. It just sort of flutters around messing with the radio, and then that's that. The encounter makes the doctor guy queasy, so the captain decided to stop on the moon, where is insanely cute girlfriend works. But he is too stoic and manly to really be all gushy.

Once they get to the moon, though, we see why they wanted to swing by. It's a happening place. It looks just like it should have, according to the 1960s. There's more Esquivel-type lounge music. Everyone dances and makes merry and smokes. I don't know about smoking in space. I mean, don't they have to pump oxygen or something into those domes? Doesn't seem wise to me, but then, swank guys must smoke, so smoke they do. I already mentioned that the guys swing with their space suits on, but the women don cocktail dresses for the festivities. This is like a vision straight out of a Les Baxter album cover.

But the fun can't last forever, so the crew packs up to leave, replacing their sick doctor with a new, fat American one. I figure the Japanese doctor was probably faking his illness, because, hell, the moon rocks!

Not too long after they are back in space, the UFO shows up again, this time spitting out some foamy spores onto the ship. Then it flies away, and the rocket goes back to Earth. I guess they realized finding the other ships wasn't all that interesting. I mean, they already knew there was a UFO around, so it's not like that was a revelation. I guess mostly they just wanted an excuse to go to that swingin' moon, and I can't say I blame them.

Back on Earth, the spore quickly becomes ... umm, I don't want to saw a giant wingless space chicken, but that's the closest I can come. Guirara, or Guilala depending on the translation quickly mutates into a silly yet strangely cool looking beast and sets to doing what all giant monsters love to do -- smashing Japan! I swear, at least in the English dubbed version, Guilala's sound effect is just a guy screaming "RRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!"

Surprisingly, Guilala is impervious to our weapons, but that doesn't stop Japan from wheeling out some of those damn MASER cannons again. I guess they have to get rid of them somehow. The scientists soon realize that the only way to defeat this destructive hellion from beyond the stars is to coat him with Guilalium, a substance generated from the spores they picked up on the way home. So the astronauts must pile into the ship one last time, because no party is complete without guilalium.

Perhaps my favorite moment takes place as the rocket leaves Earth. The film, after being rather light-hearted for the first forty minutes, gets pretty heavy when the monster appears and starts knocking things over. The music gets all Akira Ifukube-esque on us, and is thundering and serious. But man alive, as soon as those mad cats get in the rocket and head toward the moon, the swank Bruno Nicolai music starts up immediately, making for an odd juxtaposition of moods.

X From Outer Space makes me wish the future had turned out more like it was supposed to, with women in cocktail dresses and mini-skirts, go-go boots and metallic purple hair. Why oh why did we let Ridley Scott color our future when men like Gerry Anderson had it so, so right long before? I want my rocket pack, God damn it!!!

The effects here are decent. Once again I will ask all people who like to sneer at the effects in films like this to please watch American films from the same era! Back then, we were all flying pointy rockets into space that shot out sparks and left a plume of blue smoke wafting up behind us. The effects in this and most other Japanese films of the day were just as good, and more times than not, better than the same stuff from America. But we tend to overlook this. I love the 1960s special effects aesthetic. There was a remarkable amount of ingenuity and craftsmanship that went into every scene. Think of how damn long it takes to build a small scale replica of Tokyo just so you can blow it up. It's a craft and a dedication, not to mention a pioneering spirit in film-making, that I respect and long for again.

All that aside, X From Outer Space is simply one of the quirkiest, most enjoyable sci-fi films I have ever seen. How often can you get finger-snapping cocktail music and retro-future bliss AND a giant monster smashing Tokyo all in one serving? It's almost like I expect the scientists to go, "Well, we're stuck," and give up, only to have James Coburn, clad in a turtle-neck, step from the shadows and go, "Perhaps me and my all female team of go-go dancing karate masters can help." I might be kinder to the mindless "cocktail nation" that has conspired to ruin my love of Martin Denny if they embraced X From Outer Space instead of some tailor-made marketing ploy like Swingers. At least it would show they're going for the original material instead of the upstarts, offshoots, and imitators.

But I don't want to turn this into a sociological diatribe. There's plenty of things that are fun about lounge music, even if Details magazine does write about it. And their ignorance about this film allows me to kick back in my space-age bachelor pad and look down at them with smug elitism. Yes, you! You in the leopard print shirt. While you are mindlessly dancing the night away in some club, making out with a doe-eyed cutie in a short skirt who you will make love to later in the night, I will be sitting here alone in my room in my underwear watching a Japanese monster movie you've never even heard of! Yes! Take that, cocktail boy!

Hmmm. Something doesn't seem right.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Saturday, April 17, 2004

Incredible Paris Incident

1967, Italy/France. Starring Robert Browne, Dominique Boschero, Dick Palmer. Directed by Terence Hathaway

I've been trying to write this review for a little while now, and it just wasn't working out. I knew what I wanted to say, despite the fact that this movie very nearly overwhelmed me, but something just wasn't coming out right. My fingers kept hitting the wrong keys -- more so than usual, that is. I was forgetting words, unable to complete thoughts and sentences. And then it hit me. I was wide awake and lucid. This is not the sort of film you can watch or write about in a sane state of mind.

Now I sit here, exhausted and in pain, and suddenly the words flow like the crystal clear waters of a bubbling mountain brook. Power surges from my fingertips, and each touch on the keyboard is like a bolt of lightning striking down my enemies. I am tired, my vision is blurry, I'm listening to traditional Native American flute songs, and finally I am in the right state of mind to discuss what is, far and away, the most mind-alteringly weird spy film I've seen in many a moon.

The Eurospy film. Traditionally, it's not among the more accessible genres here in the United States. A few meager offerings trickled over, primarily because they starred Neil Connery, the Connery with the slightly less cool name than his slightly more famous brother. But just about all traces of the Eurospy film in the States have faded along with cool tiki themed lounges full of men and women in sharp outfits. They were products of the 1960s through and through, and unlike their bigger budget cousin, the James Bond films, they could not adapt themselves to the changing times. For that matter, Bond himself had a rough time of it. Think about it. You're a spy. Do you feel cooler while wearing a sharp suit, driving a hovercraft, and bedding some beautiful buxom French woman in a mini-skirt and go-go boots (the 1960s), or do you feel cooler wearing a leisure suit and making time with some waifer-thin disco queen with feathered Farrah Faucett hair and a beige pantsuit? In the 1970s, you could be grim and gritty, but you could not be suave. That's why tough cop films ruled that decade instead of the spy films, which ruled the 1960s.

I'm hoping that there will be some renewed interest in Eurospy films. It happened over the summer with obscure sword and sandal films, so maybe soon we'll see these debonair men of espionage parading triumphantly back into the $8.99 bin at Tower Video. Until then, Something Weird Video is about the only place you can turn for these films, but wit Something Weird's cheap prices, that's not a bad place to turn.

The Eurospy film came about as most genres do -- in the wake of the success of a trend-setting film, in this case Dr. No, the first of the many James Bond films. In the blink of an eye, dozens of people were dashing off cut-rate imitations as well as a few big budget ones. A lot of these films sucked. Some of them were pretty good. But the one thing that makes the genre interesting is that, this time, it wasn't really the Italians. Fans of exploitation cinema know that when something becomes popular, while the Italians won't be the only ones to rip it off, they'll sure be the highest profile at doing it. But with the spy films, countries from all over Europe got in on the fun, thus paving the way for the eventual reunification of Germany, the fall of Communism, and the introduction of the Common Market and the Euro.

Oh sure the Italians cranked out plenty of Eurospy films, including many of the cooler ones (after all, the Italians are pretty cool), but they were matched stride for stride by Germany, England, much of Scandinavia, and England. I think even the Swiss got involved at one point, and you don't hear very much about the Swiss film industry. Note the reserve I show in not making a joke involving the Swiss and cheesy films. Of course, to simply reduce it all to "they rip off James Bond," is over-simplifying things and ignoring quite a bit of history. For starters, the Europeans had been making spy films since Fritz Lang in the 1920s. And while there's no denying that the success of Bond is entirely the reason there were so many spy films made in the 1960s, it still helps that Europe was well versed in spydom, not to mention the hub of real-life espionage across the world.

America got in on the action as well, but the result was often disastrous. While the Eurospy flicks were often bad, they seldom lacked entertainment value. Many of the American Bond rip-offs came out looking like Agent for H.A.R.M., and no one wants to relive that. Sure, we made a few good Matt Helm films, and both Derek Flint movies are classics, but those are all spoofs as well.

It's no wonder Europe was better at making spy films. They had cooler spy stuff. When you think of the Cold War, you think of the United States and the Soviet Union, but most of the "fighting" in the Cold War took place in Europe. You can't really do espionage in America or Russia because they're both just too damn big. Plus Russia has those harsh winters. Europe is full of all those nice little countries with cool ancient architecture and winding country roads. There are lots of borders to cross, and lots of cool things lying about. If you are going to be doing espionage, you have to do it in Europe, or possibly "Arabia." Ahh yes, many are the nights I've dreamed of engaging in some cloak and dagger slyness in "The Casbah," where people wear fezzes and smoke those big water pipes and are always helping out Pepe Le Moko. Asia is okay too, but that's an entirely different case.

So it's only natural and only fair that the continent where all the espionaging is happening in real life would wind up making the coolest spy films. The most realistic spy films? Well, maybe not, but who really cares? If you want a realistic film, set a camera up and film yourself sleeping and watching television for twelve hours. If I want realism, I'll go out and do something, because nothing on film is more real than real life. No, I do not want realism in my spy films, because that would be a movie about some guy sitting in a cramped room doing research. Would you rather watch James Bond repel down a fake volcano to machine gun a bunch of Commies with the help of a secret army of Japanese ninjas, or would you rather watch two hours of Wen Ho-li shuffling floppy disks around?

And in the realm of unrealistic spy films, I don't think any could get any less realistic than Incredible Paris Incident, which is about one of the most honest film titles ever. Well, maybe this is the second most unrealistic spy film ever. Denise Richards as a brilliant nuclear physicist is definitely the most unrealistic moment in spy film history. The most realistic spy film moments are probably all those moments in Agent for H.A.R.M. where Derek Chance just sits around in the living room.

Incredible Paris Incident begins with the daring burgling of the Crown of England, which a guy steals by dressing up as one of those Beefeater chaps and hiding the crown under his big tall furry hat. It didn't seem like the most ingenious scheme of all time, but I guess it's better than stuffing an overcoat full of porno mags then walking around the store staring and the ceiling and whistling tunelessly. The police are baffled, as they often are. For all their big reputation, every time Scotland Yard appears in a movie, it's usually in a newspaper headline followed by the phrase "Is Stumped!" They look cool and all, with their tweed jackets and London Fog overcoats and pipes, but when is the last time they successfully solved a crime in a movie? "Scotland Yard Baffled!" "Scotland Yard Left Without a Clue!" "Scotland Yard Mystified!" Hell, even the Scotland Yard guy in this film goes, "What? They expect us to solve these crimes?" What's the deal with Scotland Yard?

The inspector also gets to make an offhand dig at Northern Ireland, but that doesn't get him any closer to solving the crime.

Meanwhile, on his own private island somewhere in the Mediterranean, we meet our hero, code name: Argoman. Don't confuse him with Super-Argo, another European spy-cum-superhero. Sure, they're almost identical characters, but what are you gonna do? Complain about plagiarism in a film genre that is already just stealing ideas from other films? With all that goes on in the world, I'd like to think that no court time was lost debating the copyright violations in the case of Argoman versus Super-Argo.

Luckily for copyright holders, Argoman is supposed to be a wacky spoof of Super-Argo, who himself was supposed to be something of a spoof of spies, superheroes, and possibly Mexican wrestling movies.

Argoman is your typical ultra-smooth European spy guy. He has his own island and one of those mansions with the cool space-age bachelor pad look. Everything is hooked up to remote controls and computers. It's sort of like where I live, except that instead of an island, it's a neighborhood in Brooklyn, and instead of a space-age mansion, it's a crumbling one-bedroom apartment in a shabby prewar brownstone. Except that half the brown stones are were painted a rusty yellow and have a faux castle design to them. Stupid building.

While relaxing poolside in his villa and chatting with his very European looking Indian servant (we know he's Indian because he's tan and has a turban on), Argoman senses something unusual. That's right, Argoman has various psychic abilities, one of which allows him to detect when sexy women are piloting their own private hovercrafts near his island. Being a sly devil and all, he uses his psychic powers to the hovercraft to his island, and then levitates the sexy woman across the beach and right into his lap! Really! If this doesn't make Incredible Paris Incident the coolest movie you've ever seen, then I don't know what will. Perhaps the fact that he follows this act of kidnapping with the line, "Please forgive me, but when I sensed you passing by I couldn't help but dabble in a little telekinetics."

The woman (Jenabelle) who we recognize as the woman behind the thievery of the Royal Crown (the hat, not the soda -- no one would steal RC Cola), is annoyed at first that this total stranger has mentally hijacked her boss hovercraft and levitated her across the island into his lap, especially since he is wearing those shiny little European man micro-short swim trunks. The way I see it, if you're going to wear something like that, you might as well just go naked. You'll be much more comfortable. However, when she is witness to a display of his rapier-sharp wit and charm, she can't stay mad at him for kidnapping and molesting her. Argoman's servant is nervous, and reveals to us that after having sex, Argoman loses his powers for six hours. Argoman just laughs and says he is safe because he's on his own secret island. Plus, he hasn't gotten laid in a while.

But this is a Eurospy film, so our two potential sex partners can't simply retire to the boudoir for a night of tender passion and animal lust. No, they must play a little game. Argoman gives the woman a bow and arrow. If she can hit the bull's-eye on a target, he'll give her an assorted gift pack of precious jewels and a brand new Rolls Royce. If, however, she misses, well then he hits the button on a remote control to slide open the wall, revealing his rotating suspended bed. I wonder if this is the first time he's done this, or if this is a pretty regular little Price is Right shtick for him.

Anyway, Jenabelle lights up a cigarette because, well, smoking may be bad for you but it looks cool, and in full Jackie-O beachwear, takes the bow and arrow and just narrowly misses the target. Darn! But, something crafty seems to be going through her head as she and Argoman head toward the bed. After they do something behind closed doors, presumably playing Boggle though I can't be certain, she comes out, nonchalantly picks up the bow and arrow and nails the bull's-eye with no problem. Why, that lovable scamp! She was a master archer all along and just wanted some nookie! She then thanks Argoman for the sweet lovin' in the rotating suspended space-age bed, takes the sapphires, and says she won't need the Rolls as she already has one. Never one to be outdone, much like Al Gore, Argoman has to huff, "Well, I have several." Then she hops back in her hover craft and darts off across the sea.

Man alive, if I could tell you how much this was like my own life, well, you'd know I was one lyin' son of a bitch. This is maybe the swankest sequence ever in any movie, maybe even swanker than the scene in Danger: Diabolik! where Diabolik and his sexy girlfriend/accomplice are in his space age secret cave hide-out, making love and rolling around naked on a giant rotating bed covered in hundred dollar bills. When I go on job interviews and people ask me where I see myself in the future, I am going to describe one of these two scenes to them, and hopefully, they'll say, "Well, this job will give you all that and more."

Unfortunately, building websites may pay the rent, but it's hardly paving my way to having a secret lair of a private island, and though I have met many women, none of them have their own personal hovercrafts. Most of them don't even have cars. And while I may not be able to make love on a giant rotating bed covered in hundred dollar bills, I might be able to get a little action on a futon covered by a pile of pennies. So I'm on my way, working slowly up the ladder of swankiness, and in a few years, I figure I'll have all the stuff Diabolik and Argoman have.

Meanwhile, back in England, Scotland Yard is still stumped by the theft of the crown. They have decided to blame Argoman, who we learn is sort of like Batman in that he does heroic things but everyone thinks he is a criminal. Granted, they think he is a much suaver criminal than Batman. However, the inspector seems to have some secret knowledge about Argoman, and soon contacts him. Argoman is annoyed that the same guy who tells the press Argoman stole the crown is the one calling him for help in solving the case, and who can really blame him? It's like saying, "Well, I ordered your execution today, but I was hoping you could drop by beforehand and help me move a couch." Luckily, Argoman is a sport, plus he can levitate sexy women across and island and right into his lap, so he's probably in a good mood most of the time. He agrees to leave his plush sub-tropical private island in order to help the bumbling buffoons of Scotland Yard get their stupid little crown back.

When reviewing security photos of the museum, Argoman recognizes Jenabelle in the crowd. He then begins to think something fishy is going on. Could Jenabelle possibly be the dreaded "Queen of the World" who has been taunting Scotland Yard via telegrams? Speaking of which, Scotland Yard must have a palace full of "letters from master criminals taunting Scotland Yard."

Meanwhile, Jenabelle returns the crown, just to further taunt Scotland Yard. She also demands that they turn over to her a giant diamond that was created by a nuclear blast. With the human head-sized diamond as the centerpiece of her giant computer, she will be able to harness untold powers! Meanwhile, Argoman is on his way to Paris, or Gay Paris as they call it, to stop her diabolical scheme, even though no one really knows what it is.

Right off the bat, Argoman catches her men, who are dressed in the same leather outfit that David Hasslehoff used to wear when he was lip syncing on Solid Gold back in the 1980s, robbing a bank. He uses the old "distract the guard with a naked woman" shtick that we've probably all used a thousand times, but hey! You stick with what works. He sneaks into their truck to find her secret layer, and soon finds himself getting his ass kicked by out-of-shape guys in form-fitting leather Buck Rogers outfits. So he does what any man would do -- he instantly transforms into a laughing super-hero in yellow and black underwear and a cape that is three sizes too small to actually look cool. He thing proceeds to stand with arms akimbo, laughing that manly laugh as he tosses lackeys about with his mind powers.

Argoman has what has to be the goofiest looking superhero outfit I've seen in a long time. If superhero shows and movies have taught us anything, it's that normal humans don't look good in spandex superhero outfits. No matter how buff the guy may be, you put the brightly colored spandex long johns on him, and they have the strange ability to make him look scrawny as a scarecrow while, at the same time, having a rather pronounced beer belly. Take the suit off the guy, and he could be a chiseled god with abs of steel, but the second you put the superhero outfit on, he becomes a goofball.

But this is what makes this film so special. Oh sure, it could have been a straight-forward Eurospy film, but they decided to go on and throw the whole superhero thing in for good measure. It's the little things that make these things so special. For instance, Darth Vader had to wear the sexy leather outfit and helmet so he could breathe, but he just went ahead and threw the cape on for the hell of it because he knew it looked cool. Likewise, Argoman could have just been a slick undercover spy with psychic powers and a private island and a sexy secretary and glowing green eyes, but he goes ahead and puts the superhero costume on just for the hell of it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work as well as Darth Vader's cape.

Jenabelle counters by dumping tons of money on the streets of Paris and following it up with a threat that she will flood the French economy with currency, thus throwing the country into a state of gross inflation and causing it to collapse. Naturally, the French representatives immediately mobilize to surrender to her every demand. Argoman has other ideas, however, and dresses up in a Patrick MacNee outfit to meet up with Jenabelle again. He's not so happy about having to wear the bowler hat and suit, but would you really take fashion criticism from a man who wears yellow spandex and a mini-cape?

Upon meeting Jenabelle again, they immediately pick up where they left off, which is in bed. But Argoman knows better than to go all the way, lest he lose his mental super powers. Jenabell gives him the "join me and together we could rule the world" speech, which has never worked ever in the entire history of its being attempted. Even when someone agrees to it, they are always just playing along until they can get the opportunity to foil the villainous scheme. Well, let me step forward with this message to all super-sexy would-be queens of the world: I will gladly accept your offer and rule the world by your scantily clad side.

Of course, Argoman simply turns her down and puts on his superhero spandex so he can do some laughing. Just as he's about to subdue Jenabelle, she turns the tables on him and shows him a video of his secretery being attcked a very slow and poorly made robot. Jenabelle escapes while Argoman battles the robot, which is slightly less mobile than a Dalek. At some point I must have missed, Jenabelle also gets the giant diamond, and we finally learn the details of her heinous plot: she is going to use it to program an army of automatons who look just like the various leaders of the world. This is an especially diabolical plan in light of today's politics, as no one, no matter how astute, could possibly tell the difference between a poorly made robot and the actual politicians we are stuck with these days. Would we really be that much worse off being ruled by a sexy woman and her army of robots? We're already at the mercy of the robots, so we might as well get the sexy woman in for good measure.

Argoman sends some time dispatching automaton agents, then returns for the final showdown with Jenabelle. The movie takes a turn for bizarre -- well, even more bizarre -- when he uses his mind powers to disarm Jenabelle, then proceeds to blow her away! The hell kind of hero is this guy? He can use his mental powers to incapacitate and disarm someone, then he just goes off and shoots her! Of course, everyone cheers this, and the world is saved! Hooray! Oh well, at least they didn't do tat ending where he lets her live only to kill her when she suddenly turns with a hidden weapon and attacks him in one last ditch effort.

Wait a second! I just realized that not once does the fact that after having sex he loses his power for six hours play any role at all in the plot. He never gets tricked into doing the deed only to find himself powerless at the hands of Jenabelle and her forces. Oh well, that's small potatoes in the greater ocean of a film involving a grown man in yellow underwear wrestling with other grown men in black leather bondage suits.

Incredible Paris Incident is indeed one of the most incredible damn things I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of incredible things. It has a good sense of humor, tons of action, and more weirdness than you can shake a walking stick at. Director Terence Hathaway, also known as Sergio Grieco, directed several Eurospy films, including Password: Kill Agent Gordon, Operation Istanbul, and a few others, but this is far and away his weirdest, and probably one of the weirdest the genre has to offer. It's also cooler than I could ever hope to be. It's movies like this, where everyone is so amazingly smooth and swank and sexy, make me ashamed to be the slothful loser than I am. I wish my life could be more like Argoman's life. I wish I could be more like Argoman. In fact, this movie is so astoundingly good that it has inspired me to do more than just sit on my ass, watching wrestling, and complaining. I am going to take control of my life. I am not going to wish I was swanker. I am going to make it happen!

And I am going to begin by wearing bright yellow spandex and a little red cape everywhere I go.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Sunday, June 22, 2003

Creature of Destruction


1967, United States. Starring Les Tremayne, Pat Delaney, Aron Kincaid, Neil Fletcher, Annabelle Weenic, Roger Ready. Directed by Larry Buchanan.

"There is no monster in the world so treacherous as man."

So we are reminded at the beginning of Larry Buchanan's Creature of Destruction and, just in case we forgot, at the end of the film as well. I like a film with a message, but the message is considerably less interesting if the film has to print it out for you. But hey - at least the guy was trying, which is more than can be said for most films. And in the end, this film is made in the tradition of sci-fi and horror films of days gone by, when such films had messages and delivered them with all the subtleties of a stoic military general surveying some scene of mass carnage and reflecting on the follies of man. Creature of Destruction is Buchanan's homage by way of remake. In this case, it's a remake of 1956's The She-Creature, a movie that never exactly called with deafening thunder to be remade.

Larry Buchanan is a name both well-known and much-feared among fans of the lower echelons of cinema. On the cinematic food chain of respectability, Golan and Globus make Dino De Laurentuus seem respectable. They in turn are made to look respectable by Roger Corman. And Corman is made to look respectable by Larry Buchanan. Below Buchanan is the No Man's Land where dwell filmmakers like Bruno Mattei. Buchanan was best known for taking minute budgets and turning them into films that looked like they had minute budgets. Some directors known how to stretch a low budget and make the film look extravagant. Others get a huge budget and churn out cheap looking garbage. With Buchanan, he had very little money, and that's what it looks like.

Feeling particularly frisky one day, American International, the company whose triumphant logo brands many of the world's worst and most entertaining films, decided to commission a series of made-for-television features based on previously released theatrical films. They needed filler, and since they had very little time or money for the project, they figured it'd be easier to dust off an old film rather than come up with a new one, sort of the mirror opposite of what Hollywood has been doing in recent years by remaking any and every television show from the 60s and 70s with bloated blockbuster budgets.

Buchanan was given the film industry equivalent of milk money and sent on his way to remake such pseudo-classics as It Conquered the World (his version was Zontar, The Thing From Venus), Invasion of the Saucer Men (The Eye Creatures in Buchanan's filmography), In the Year 2889 (his version of The Day the World Ended) and The She-Creature. Buchanan was chosen presumably for his ability to make movies that were shockingly boring, but not quite so boring that you'd feel the undeniable urge to turn them off. They had a sort of grimy appeal I liken to the guy I once saw at a Shoney's All You Can Eat breakfast bar who had a cereal bowl full of glistening link sausages. You know you'd be better off if you turned away, and yet you can't help but glance over and watch as he crams spoonfuls of greasy sausage into his salivating, gaping maw. And when you realize with horror and awe that he's actually crumbled up strips of bacon onto the sausages as a topping.

While I've seen all of the films Buchanan based his remakes upon, I can't claim to be especially familiar with the work of the man himself, having seen only Naked Witch and Mars Needs Women before sitting down to watch Creature of Destruction. I never really considered this a particularly glaring deficiency in my schooling, and after finishing my third Buchanan bonanza, I still maintain that opinion. The biggest detriment to Buchanan's work is that he's almost competent. His films are by no means stellar, but he knows how to make them, even if they're made on the cheap. He can focus a camera, and most of the time he even knows how to light a scene. Not creatively, mind you, but at least you can see what's going on. This isn't a Doris Wishman movie. But because his films lack the mad disregard for anything and everything that becomes the benchmark of a Doris Wishman or Ed Wood Jr. film, he also fails to capture their outrageous appeal. At the family reunion, Ed's movies are the fun-loving gay Southern Queen cousin in a velvet jacket while Doris' movies are drunk and telling you some lurid burlesque tale about a fling in 1947. Buchanan's films, on the other hand, are the slightly grumpy uncle on the front porch who only talks about financial issues. You don't particularly dislike the guy, but when it comes to family dysfunction, his is not nearly as interesting as most of the others. And yep, those are examples right out of my own family.

There are moments, however, when Buchanan almost approaches a Ray Dennis Steckler-esque sense of surrealism, though Buchanan lacks Steckler's eye for a good shot. Say what you will about Steckler's limitations, he was able to capture some really interesting images for his films and made his budgetary constraints and lack of experience work for him. Once again, Buchanan is undermined by the fact that he's not as crazy as he should be to come up with something really sublime.

Such is the case with Creature of Destruction. It's not good, but it's not one of those "so bad it's good" movies all the kids speak of these days. At it's best, it's maybe marginally bad to the point that it becomes mildly amusing. Although the whole hook of old films was to hold off on revealing what the monster looked like so as to drum up anticipation or mask budgetary constraints on the make-up department, Buchanan hits us face first with a wet fish and gives us the monster in the opening shot. In fact, he gives us a goodly portion of his entire finale in the pre-credit sequence. Just as he repeats the quote at the beginning and end of the movie, so too does he, well, repeat the ending for the beginning. Take that for what you will. If you like to cut a man some slack, you can call it a subversion of the traditions and expectations of the classic structure of a sci-fi monster movie. Larry knows how the game is played, and he's turning the rules inside out from the get-go as a clever way to comment on the genre as a whole. Or you can simply look at it as filler.

If there is any subversion going on (the case for which is strongest when one takes into account the abandoning of the original's run of the mill happy ending in favor of a far more downbeat finale), credit for that probably goes more to frequent Buchanan scriptwriter Tony Huston, who also penned The Eye Creatures, Zontar, Curse of the Swamp Creature, and Mars Needs Women. His work here is, like Buchanan's largely competent. Too competent, perhaps, for its own good since a movie of this nature generally benefits from a few howlers when it comes to bad dialogue. Nothing here really fits the bill. No one says anything particularly insightful or idiotic, and no one in the audience is going to go home quoting their favorite lines -- good or bad. Most of what's said, like most of what's done, is simply there, with nothing to distinguish it as memorable on any side of the bell curve.

The plot revolves around a celebrated hypnotist, if such a thing exists. In the movies, these guys often perform before a captivated audience of dapper men in tuxedos and women in fancy cocktail dresses. In reality, they work primarily at Six Flags. I can't say for certain whether or not there was a time when the elites of American society sat in rapt awe as they watched a hypnotist make some woman repeat facts in a monotonal voice, but based on my knowledge of contemporary culture and the fact that unless you have an annoying amateur magician for a friend, you never hear about any famous hypnotists, my money is on the belief that perhaps these guys were not as popular with the jet set as movies sometimes make them out to be.

It doesn't help that their supposedly astounding stage shows are so often studies in tedium beyond comprehension. I mean, how many times would you really want to go watch the guy from Devil Doll make his ventriloquist dummy fetch a ham sandwich? It's a constant problem in film, that we're presented with a character who is supposed to be incredible at what he does despite all on-screen evidence to the contrary. Think about how many movies have been made about great fictional directors and, when you see samples of their work presented to you as a film within a film, it's junk? Same goes for movies that tell us a character is a brilliant writer then assaults us with samples of his writing that would hardly qualify for publication by Harlequin Romance.

Such is the case with Creature of Destruction amazing Dr. Brasso, played with goatee-sporting "mysteriousness" by Les Tremayne. Tremayne's performance is suitably hammy in that "I have mental powers beyond your comprehension" sort of snobbery all world-class mesmerists and mind readers seem to have. Tremayne's no rookie when it comes to film. Before assuming the role of the brilliant but slightly mad Dr. Brasso, he'd appeared in Angry Red Planet, Slime People, and Monster of Piedres Blancas among many others. But he's far more famous as a disembodied voice, having served as a narrator or voice on the radio for movies such as Goldfinger, Forbidden Planet, and King Kong Versus Godzilla before going on to a long and steady career as a voice actor for cartoons. Like everything else in this film, his performance is suitable to the point of being not worth talking about.

His brilliant and shocking stage show consists of making his assistant sit there for a spell while he rambles on, wrapping things up with a dire prediction that a murder will occur, which is sort of like predicting that a traffic accident will occur or that terrorists may strike somewhere in the world within the next two years. When that very night sees a couple murdered, all fingers point to the one guy in down who minces about dressed like a circus ringleader while making bold predictions about murder. We, of course, know that the murders are being perpetrated by a googly-eyed sea monster that vaguely resembles Mer-Man from Masters of the Universe, only in a regular black wetsuit. The thing that sets this monster apart from most other monsters is that it can haul ass when it needs to. Where as most monsters are content to lumber or lurch, our Creature of Destruction is more likely to break out into a jaunty jog. It can even creep stealthily like a ninja, which at least gives it a real-world basis for being able to pop up and surprise people. Most monsters just depend on the sudden inexplicable deafness and blindness of their prospective prey.

It's the kind of monster suit that makes you appreciate how realistic the monsters were in the old Ultraman shows.

Hot on the monsters heels is your standard issue ineffectual cop who blames everything on Brasso without any real evidence, even when it seems murders are being committed while Brasso is in the company of the police. The cop is played with acceptable bone-headed stiffness by Roger Ready, another Larry Buchanan regular who also appeared in Mars Needs Woman and Curse of the Swamp Creature. Helping the cop out is a brilliant - or so they say - military parapsychologist named Dell and played by Aron Kincaid. Kincaid wasn't a Buchanan staple, but he is another actor that went from sundry bit-parts to fairly steady work as a voice actor for cartoons, having worked on such series as Transformers, Batman: The Animated Series, Smurfs, and the life-affirming Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling. Before that, he had parts in a number of teenie bopper movies, possibly in hopes of grooming him to be the next Frankie Avalon, or at least the next Tommy Kirk. He wound up being closer to something like the next Arch Hall Jr., and he looks really out of place a military officer with a floppy pompadour. I know standards change over time, but I'm pretty sure there was never an era where "floppy pompadour" was a regulation military haircut.

It turns out, just as in the original film, that the monster doing the killing is a psychic projection of Brasso's assistant, a manifestation of her primeval ancient soul that appears when she is under deep hypnosis. Brasso apparently knows this but doesn't much care. He's too busy dreaming of the day he'll be taken seriously as a scientist and can finally join the ranks of all those other rich and powerful hypnotists. So he's evil, but in a really uninteresting way.

Buchanan employs a variety of cost-cutting techniques in order to bring his modest tale in under budget. The entire opening sequence - which is also most of the closing sequence - is shot with no sound. Generic "menacing" music was dubbed in later. Shooting without sound was one of Buchanan's favorite tricks. Naked Witch, like this movie, relies heavily on post-production narration, looped music, and even a cheap intro (Naked Witch's intro is a series of shots of a book). Not having to shoot synch sound means, for starters, Larry doesn't need soundmen on location. He also doesn't need to shell out for sound film. He uses the no-sound trick frequently.

He also finds a way to shoot a number of scenes with dialogue in a way that allows him to simply dub it in after the fact. People are filmed from far away, or with their backs to the camera, especially in outdoor scenes. There are a couple musical interludes as young teens shimmy to the beat on the beach that manage to eat up several minutes of time without needing to synch up the sound to the action.

Shooting without synch sound is an especially popular way even today of keeping costs low. Up until very recently, almost no films in Hong Kong were shot with synch sound. Jackie Chan was one of the first to make synch sound the norm, and while it's more common today than it was before (an attempt to revive the HK film industry by making the films look more Hollywood), it's still not the norm. Shooting synch sound, of course, means using the sound that's recorded while a scene is being shot so that you get a perfect synchronization of lip movement, background sounds, and dialogue. Films that don't use it often skip the process in order to save money or because they expect the film to be dubbed into lots of different languages anyway, so what's the point? In the case of Hong Kong, both were true. With Larry Buchanan, it's simply a way to save some cash.

Aside from a couple lengthy songs, we get a lot of scintillating scenes of hypnotism. The original film was a plodding 77 minutes of excruciating tedium, and Buchanan faithfully recreates every minute and then some. Filler is another good way of padding a film without impacting the budget, and what better way to pad a film than with long scenes of a guy in a top hat muttering, "Your eyelids are growing heavier. You want to sleep." I'll spare you the obvious joke about how effective his cooing was on me. Hypnotism, beach party musical interludes, and repeating the same scene at the beginning and end of the movie - not bad.

And of course, there's our theme, the one about the dark heart of man. "Man is the most dangerous creature of all," or "Man is the true monster" is not what you might call a ground-breaking or unique theme, and the film delivers it with a clumsy and obvious thud. But in this day and age of plotless, meaningless reality television, I'll take any theme and be happy with it regardless of how heavily it's hammered down my throat. Actually, no. I take that back. From what I've seen, reality television also teaches us that man is the true monster. Alas, the folly of man! When will we learn? How many she creatures, creatures of destruction, and From Justin to Kelly's must we create before we learn not to tamper in god's domain?

The end result of watching a film like Creature of Destruction is sort of like letting out a complacent sigh. It's better than a sigh of frustration, but it sure isn't a sigh of pleasure. It's the cinematic equivalent of the age-old "What do you want to eat?" "I don't know. What do you want to eat?" conversation. It gets the job done eventually, and the results aren't entirely awful. They're not awful in that way that leaves you with very little to say about the matter except, "Eh." Should you watch Creature of Destruction? Eh. Is it a bad film? Eh. Is there anything in it worth seeing? Eh. Is the monster goofy looking? Yep, it sure is, but even a goofy monster suit can't make a dull film that much more interesting. After all, there are plenty of entertaining monster movies with equally appalling or even worse monster suits.

It's a curious middle of the road, existing neither in the realm that is entertaining nor in the realm that is horrible. It's boring, but not in a way that had me clambering to stop the movie. It is, ultimately, a perfect summary of my attitude toward any of the Larry Buchanan films I've seen. "Eh" and an indifferent shrug of the shoulders. I can't bring myself to skewer it any more so than I could bring myself to praise any aspect of it.

And in case you forgot, "There is no monster in the world so treacherous as man."

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Thursday, March 20, 2003

To Chase a Million

1967, Great Britain. Starring Richard Bradford, Ron Randell, Yoko Tani, Anton Rodgers, Warren Stanhope, Aubrey Morris, Simon Brent, Mike Pratt, Alan White, Dave Baxter, David Scheuer, Norman Rossington, Gay Hamilton, Harry Landis, Jeremy Wilkin, Harry Tardios, George Zenios, Agarth Angelos, Maki Marseilles. Directed by Robert Tronson and Pat Jackson.

As we all know by now, the success of Dr. No and subsequent films in the James Bond series resulted in a flood of espionage films from all over the world. Some of them, such as The Ipcress File and Our Man Flint, were wonderful. Many were average, and most were prime examples of just how much better the Bond films were than the many films that attempted to emulate them. It wasn't just the budget that sunk these copycat adventures. While later films in the Bond parade enjoyed large budgets, Dr. No was a modest financial affair, but it managed to hide that fact completely. By the same token, The Ipcress File was shot largely on the streets of London, in abandoned warehouses and dull offices, yet it remains a stellar film. A film doesn't need lavish production values to be engaging. What goes wrong in most of the other espionage films isn't just that they lack the money to pass themselves off as international jet-set adventures. What sinks them is that they're often shoddily directed and dully acted. But you know? We tend to love them anyway.

Bond's popularity and influence wasn't limited to the silver screen, though, and many of the best espionage adventures came not from the movies, but from television. The Avengers, The Man From UNCLE, I Spy - there are plenty of shows we remember fondly, and many more that were enjoyable but simply lost in the herd. While copycat espionage films attempted to of very little unique or different from the inspirational material, television shows took bigger risks. Wild Wild West took the espionage theme and dropped it into the American Old West. Mission: Impossible gave s a team of spies who often relied primarily on their wits and featured an episode with Leonard Nimoy as a mod rocker in Beatle Boots and striped pants. Patrick McGoohan's Secret Agent, a.k.a. Danger Man, sought to actively subvert the James Bond archetype by giving us a secret agent hero who neither drank nor caroused with women, and in fact, never carried a gun. McGoohan really turned the spy genre upside down with his next series, the ground-breaking show The Prisoner, which remains to this day the smartest, most innovative, most daring, and most enjoyable series in television history - at least for my money.

Both of McGoohan's shows were produced by the British television studio ITC, and somewhere between Secret Agent and The Prisoner, they also produced a short-lived but intriguing show known as Man in a Suitcase (not to mention also being the studio that brought us The Saint starring Roger Moore) . The series starred American-born actor Richard Bradford, who had been struggling for years to make it in show business but found himself hampered by, of all things, prematurely graying hair! After scoring a role in the Marlon Brando film The Chase, Bradford caught the eye of producers looking to cast the role of former secret agent McGill in Man in a Suitcase. Like many of ITC's numerous spy shows, Man in a Suitcase came up with a unique approach that made it different from the scores of James Bond imitators. McGill was, for starters, a disgraced American agent who took a fall for a crime he didn't commit, all in order to protect the name of the Agency. With his career in ruins and nothing to live for in America, he picks up and moves to London, where he ekes out an average living as a private investigator who, naturally, often gets involved in matters of international intrigue. There exists only one person - McGill's old CIA boss -- who knows the truth about McGill and can work to prove his innocence. Unfortunately, protecting the reputation of the Agency takes precedence over proving McGill's innocence.

Compared to the jet-set, thrill-a-minute live of James Bond, McGill's future is rather bleak. He's rarely happy, and there's not much hope that he'll ever be redeemed, that his name will be cleared and his life returned to him. Bradford plays the character with a world-weariness that, rather than suggesting wisdom or inner peace, simply suggests world-weariness. McGill is exhausted, with very little to look forward to, yet he keeps on moving forward, his entire life contained in a single suitcase he takes with him as he moves from one place to the next.

Not that he doesn't try to enjoy life every once on a while. He has a so-so apartment and a decent car, and he seems to have had his fair share of experience with beautiful women. But ultimately, you can't be James Bond on Harry Palmer's salary, and even Michael Caine's frustrated blue-collar spy from The Ipcress File seemed to take life's pitfalls with wit and humor. Palmer had his cooking, he had a cranky boss who secretly respected the hell out of his "worst" best agent, and he had the love of espionage office secretary Sue Lloyd. McGill, on the other hand, has nothing but the suitcase.

With such a nihilistic character, it's no doubt that the series has become more or less forgotten despite the risks it took (and often succeeded at). Even Number Six in The Prisoner kept hope alive that he would one day regain his freedom and best the powers controlling The Village. With McGill, it's like your watching a man who's already been beaten yet is determined to play the game out to the bitter end. Although the show wasn't the success that Secret Agent or The Prisoner was (which is nothing to be ashamed of -- you'd be hard-pressed to find two better shows, and harder-pressed to find a writer and star more impressive than Patrick McGoohan), it was popular enough so that one of the two-part episodes, entitled "Variation on a Million Bucks," was edited together into a feature-length film called To Chase a Million.

Like Harry Palmer and The Ipcress File, To Chase a Million grounds itself very firmly in reality. Where James Bond enjoyed his flights into fantasy, and other films followed, To Chase a Million - partially because of its origins as two episodes of a relatively low-budget television show - remains stuck firmly in the real world. Make no mistake about it - I am a huge Bond fan, and like many people part of what I love about them is the pageantry and lack of realism. I even dig most of the Roger Moore adventures. They are the thrill-a-minute escapism while a movie like The Ipcress File is the "so familiar you can't help but relate to it" excursion into the world of espionage populated by frustrated military officials, endless paperwork, and dull staff meetings that, rather than featuring Desmond Llewellyn showing off an exploding fountain pen that can also remote pilot a gyrocopter, instead features a mid-level bureaucrat's out-of-focus slideshow and droning narration detailing surveillance of some guy in a raincoat. Both types of film work well, and I have no interest in pitting one approach against the other or making any judgment as to which is better. I like the over-the-top bombast of Bond just as much as I like the gritty realism of Palmer, and wasn't the Cold War ultimately all about defending our right to freely watch more than one type of spy film?

So while movies like To Chase a Million may be more realistic in their approach to the world of espionage, that doesn't make them any better or worse. They're just different. To Chase a Million, in fact, exists somewhere in between the two extremes. Closer to the world of Harry Palmer than James Bond, but you still never see McGill have to wake up and make some eggs. And in fact, all three have some common threads running through them. Ipcress File was produced by Harry Saltzman, who along with Cubby Broccoli was the producer of the James Bond movie series. It also sported Ken Adam as art director, a role he fulfilled in the Bond films as well, and Bond composer John Barry. To Chase a Million, or rather the series from which it was culled, was filmed on location around London but also frequently used lots and stages at Pinewood Studios, known primarily as the home of the James Bond films. So you see? They're really all one big Cold War era family, so there's no need to make choices between them.

The film opens with McGill running into an old flame played by Eurospy film stalwart and one of my favorite actresses from the genre, Yoko Tani. The estranged couple rekindle an old romance, and for the first time in a long time, it looks like McGill might achieve some semblance of happiness in his otherwise dismal life. His best friend, a Russian defector named Max Stein, completes the happy trio. Of course, Max is hiding something big, which just happens to be a cool million in cash he swiped from the Ruskies before defecting. It's safely hidden away in a safe deposit box somewhere in Lisbon, but that doesn't stop Russian and American agents from tailing both Max and McGill in hops of recovering the cash. When Max is murdered, McGill realizes that his only hope of having a normal life with Yoko is if he can find the money, smuggle it back into London, then get the hell out of town, possibly moving to Japan to finally settle down and put the cloak and dagger business behind him once and for all.

Since "Variation on a Million Bucks" occurs rather early in the series, you can guess how well McGill's plans work out in the end. It has the same sting as when the Rat Pack realized what was happening to their stash at the end of Ocean's Eleven.

There is a lot going for To Chase a Million, as well as a fair number of things going against it. On the negative side, first and foremost, is the fact that this is a television show masquerading as a feature film. As such, it has the look and feel of a small-time production. There's a lot of dialogue, and most of it isn't especially interesting. The sets are appropriately claustrophobic and small-scale, which isn't entirely a bad thing as they also don't look cheap. I've seen Eurospy feature films where the office of the CIA were nothing but an empty classroom with red sheets draped across the windows and an American flag propped up in the corner. While To Chase a Million may have small-scale sets, at least there's an attempt to dress them up properly. So while the small-screen origin works against it as a feature film, at the same time the fact that you'll be watching it on your television set makes it easy to overlook these limitations.

Another strike against the film is Bradford's sometimes somnambulistic performance. Although his bleary-eyed, tired reading the character does a lot to convey the hopelessness of his character, it can also wear the viewer down. Max Stein goes for the same muddled, monotonal delivery, and that makes for some really dull exposition scenes. Yoko Tani acquits herself nicely, as she always does, but her character is given very little to do. I would have appreciated more of her, but I guess I can always go elsewhere for that. Aside from a number of decent Eurospy features, she also starred in a couple episodes of McGoohan's Secret Agent.

The uneven pacing and action is, however, offset by what the film does well. On the most basic level, it's well-written and constructed, with a plot that generates some real thrills as you root for McGill to succeed against all odds with his plan. Part of what makes his character so sympathetic is the fact that he isn't doing this so he can live a jet-set lifestyle full of women and glamour. He's not doing it to stop some megalomaniac madman in a hollowed-out volcano. He's doing it so he can get the goddamned Man off his back and settle down into a nice quiet life with a woman he loves. His motivations are so simple, and so familiar, that it endears him to us even when Bradford is giving a less-than-shining reading of his lines. Where we all know Bond is going to succeed and come out smelling like roses and getting laid, McGill's success is never guaranteed. In fact, we're pretty sure he's going to fail, but like the character, we keep hoping anyway that it'll turn out for the better.

Another thing I like about the film is the fact that McGill gets his ass kicked a lot, and when it happens, it really hurts. It's real-world ass-kicking. He's not a bad fighter, but when someone gets the jump on him, or when he's outnumbered, he's going to go down, and he's going to hurt. This isn't the sort of movie thrashing where get the tar kicked out of you and then pop up in the next scene as if nothing has happened. When McGill gets the stuffing beat out of him, he feels it for a few days. When he gets shot or stabbed, he bleeds profusely and almost dies. And even in recovery, he's groggy and unable to use one of his arms. By the end of the movie, he looks like he's being held together by fraying duct tape and might just drop dead at any second. Death warmed over. He can't fight anymore, and in fact he can hardly even walk. It's a wonderful change of pace from heroes who get punched, shot, and run over but then can still run down the street at full speed, leap onto a moving train, and take out a dozen henchman without breaking a sweat. McGill is most definitely one of the most believably human characters in any espionage film.

That vulnerability - he falls in love, wants a normal life, and can be seriously wounded - makes him all the more interesting and sympathetic. While Richard Bradford's performance may be uneven in spots, it's never anything less than competent. He draws you into the character, an underdog who you know isn't going to triumph in the end against all odds. The supporting cast is pretty good as well. There are a host of guys whose job it is to wear fedoras and lurk in shadows and take potshots at people. Anton Rogers as Max Stein is lukewarm, but his primary function is to play chess and get murdered. The rest of the bunch are solid character actors, and Gay Hamilton is superb as Lucia, the sympathetic woman who shelters McGill after he arrives in Lisbon having been beaten up by shifty smugglers aboard a boat, stabbed in the shoulder, beat up some more, and dumped on the side of the road to die.

While the sets may be small, the location work is pretty impressive. Scene sin a gothic opera house hearken back to From Russia With Love's scene in the massive cathedral, and the street chases in Lisbon (which aren't actually in Lisbon, but do have that opressive walled-in labyrinth effect so many European streets seem to have) are great. The interiors are convincing as well. While it's not a feast for the eyes, it's also not an eyesore. McGill isn't as snappy a dresser as James Bond or Derek Flint, but he gets the job done. So it goes to for the film as a whole.

The action sequences are fairly realistic, meaning they're kind of sloppy and awkward looking but also fairly brutal and convincing, especially if you ever seen any real fights, which rarely look all that spectacularly choreographed. Shootouts are few and far between, and McGill lets his fists do most of the talking. Unfortunately for him, there are a lot more fists talking back. As far as bad-asses go, the man is no John Shaft or Bruce Lee. If the odds are against him, he's going to lose. He's not going to bust out any kungfu moves, and he's not going to perform any near-superhuman feats of combat prowess. And he has almost no one-liners. About all he does after a fight is grunt and pass out and bleed all over the caret. Like Michael Caine's Harry Palmer, McGill exists in a very believable world where it's a lot harder to be a bad-ass. McGill's toughness come from his determination to press on, his dedication to Yoko Tani's character Taiko, and his ability to take a severe beating and stumble on, even in the face of certain defeat. He's kind of like the tough woodland animal who gets killed by a larger predator, but at least causes the predator to choke to death on the way down. He may not be flashy, and he may lose most of this fights, but there's something undeniably cool about him never the less.

What really carried the film is the plot. As I mentioned, the fact that McGill's character will likely fail in his bid for a better life really draws you in. It's not entirely hopeless, so you can keep on clinging to the notion that he just might pull off recovering the million dollars and starting life over with Taiko in Japan, but you seriously doubt it. Most of the people he meets double-cross him, but not everyone. You can never be entirely certain who McGill can trust, and the writing keeps you off-balance enough so that everyone's motivations remain suspect. There's no sparkling dialogue to speak of, but the situations are smartly constructed and intriguing. Not having seen the original two episodes, I don't know what was changed between them and the film. They do a nice job of integrating McGill's backstory into the plot, though, through a series of exchanges witht he head of the CIA. You get enough information to understand what's happening without knowing the full story. Bbased just on this movie, we never know what it is that McGillw as framed for and what brought him to London, and we only have a vague idea of what it is he does for a living. But we get the idea, and even though it's exposition, it doesn't feel overly forced or out of place.

If you're not sympathetic to talky films, or if you're not a fan of Man in a Suitcase going into the picture (I'd never seen it myself, but I'm interested now), then it's unlikely To Chase a Million is going to appeal to you. It is pretty slow in spots, and while slow and interesting is okay, slow and dull tends to lose people. And To Chase a Million does have its dull spots. For me, however, it does more things right than it does wrong, and I appreciated both the sense of realism and the change of pace it offers from so much other spy fare. It's not a knock-out, but it's a solid punch never the less. It is slow-moving in spots but still thrilling in others, small-screen in nature but with an ambitious premise and above-average writing, and it's low-rent without being low-class or low-quality. To Chase a Million may not be James Bond, and it may not be The Ipcress File. It may not be Secret Agent or The Prisoner - but that's the point. It is film (and a series) that goes for something different and attains it. You can appreciate that without actually liking the film, of course, but I was lucky and did both.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments