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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Mummies of Guanajuato

Release Year: 1972
Country: Mexico
Starring: Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Santo, Elsa Cardenas, Juan Gallardo, Jorge Pinguino, Manuel Leal, Julio Cesar, Carlos Suarez, Patricia Ferrer
Writers: Rogelio Agrasanchez, Rafael Garcia Travesi
Director: Frederico Curiel
Cinematographer: Enrique Wallace
Music: Gustavo Cesar Carrion
Producer: Rogelio Agrasanchez
Also known as: Las Momias de Guanajuato; Santo vs. Las Momias


One need only glance over the many titles in the lucha movie genre to see that there is a long history of enmity between Mexican wrestlers and mummies. This goes all the way back to 1964, when Elizabeth Campbell and Lorena Velazquez threw down against a pop-eyed, reconstituted Aztec warrior in their sophomore effort as The Wrestling Women, Las Luchadoras contra la Momia, and continued throughout the rest of the sixties, during which Santo, the most celebrated movie luchadore of them all, would come up against shambling bandage jockeys in films like Santo and Blue Demon vs. The Monsters and La Venganza de la Momia. But the conflict didn't really kick into high gear until 1972, when the success of a little film called The Mummies of Guanajuato (aka Las Momias de Guanajuato) guaranteed that, for the next several years, Mexican movie screens would seldom see respite from the spectacle of colorfully-garbed, masked Mexican grapplers working their moves on a seemingly endless series of inexplicably muscular mummified adversaries.

The Mummies of Guanajuato was the brainchild of Mexican independent producer, distributor and writer Rogelio Agrasanchez. Now, Agrasanchez is a figure whom I have decidedly conflicting feelings toward. His wrestling films are generally emblematic of the type of haste and neglect that plagued the lucha genre during the 1970s, marked by sloppy storytelling rife with plot holes and continuity errors, lackadaisical pacing, hunger-strike production values, extremely hit-or-miss technical execution, and a patience-testing reliance on padding -- often in the form of footage lifted from other films, as well as poorly integrated musical numbers, beauty pageants, and anything else they could squeeze in -- that definitely gives the impression of films that were made on the fly with very little prior story consideration or planning. Of course, Agrasanchez was not the only Lucha filmmaker of the period who was guilty of these sins, and it should be kept in mind that this was a time during which, first of all, audience interest in the genre was waning and, second of all, government financial support for commercial Mexican films, which had been plentiful during the sixties, was at a temporary ebb due to a shift in priorities toward funding more "respectable" fare. As a result, the profitability of such films dictated a need for thrift and speed that Agrasanchez alone can't be held personally accountable for.



Still, the fact is that lucha libre films were never big budget items, and what one sees occurring over the lifespan of the genre, from the dawn of the sixties to the end of the seventies, is not so much a reduction in the amount of money spent as a reduction in the amount of care put into insuring that the films were actually coherent or watchable. While an early film like Santo contra las Mujeres Vampiro seems to be the work of accomplished craftsmen determined to deliver an engaging and atmospheric example of B movie entertainment to the fullest extent that their modest means would allow, many of Agrasanchez's films seem to demonstrate a concern primarily with attaining acceptable feature-length by any means necessary while delivering the minimum number of bankable elements at the most minimal expenditure of time and resources possible.

While, again, these faults were not those of Rogelio Agrasanchez alone, that is not to say that he didn't, in many other ways, put his own personal stamp upon his work in the field. And, to give the man his due, I would here like to list those contributions to Mexican wrestling cinema that are indeed uniquely Agrasanchez's own. These are elements that you can not only count on from pretty much any one of his lucha films, but that also mark those film as being distinctly his. The first of these would have to be…

...Midgets. Sure, there were midgets in lucha movies before Rogelio Agrasanchez came upon the scene -- most notably Waldo, the hunchback in Santo and Blue Demon vs. The Monsters. Furthermore, The Mummies of Guanajuato, by Agrasanchez's standards, is fairly conservative in it use of little people, limiting itself to only one in the cast. But, generally, Agransanchez's thinking seemed to be that, if you were going to have one midget, you might as well have a whole posse of them. It seemed he felt that there was something intrinsically much more thrilling about having a burly masked wrestler fighting several midgets as opposed to just one normal-sized man. The result saw the employment of a troupe of wee folk that I like to call The Agrasanchez Midgets in film after film. They wore matching superhero costumes with big "M"s emblazoned on their chests in The Champions of Justice, little moonman suits in Superzan el Invencible, rat-person costumes fashioned from fuzzy footy pajamas in The Champions of Justice Return, and appeared as fanged mini-vampires in the Mil Mascaras effort The Vampires of Coyoacan, which is probably one of the producer's most enjoyable films.



Now there is nothing inherently wrong with this, of course, and, upon first encounter, you can't beat the sheer entertainment value of watching a big, musclebound lug like Mil Mascaras or Tinieblas trying to pretend that he's being taken down by a gang of clamoring homunculi. In cases where the featured wrestlers are in less than peak physical condition, I can even see the utility of such mismatched pairings. But over time it comes to seem like evidence of an absurdly obstinate aversion to opportunity when a film has athletes such as these at its disposal and dedicates most of their screen time to pitting them against opponents a sixth their size. The result is that, impressively and against the odds, these pictures often manage within ninety minutes to drain something as awesome sounding as masked-wrestler-midget-fighting of much of its novelty and entertainment value.

Another hallmark of Agrasanchez's films is a reliance on musical accompaniment that is inappropriate to the point of approaching ironic commentary. In the case of The Mummies of Guanajuato, this is perpetrated by frequent lucha movie scorer Gustavo Cesar Carrion in the form of sedately jaunty organ riffs that bring to mind nothing more than heavily medicated mental patients on furlough traversing endless dazed circles around an ice skating rink. Still, Guanajuato is far from the worst offender in this regard. The soundtrack to The Champions of Justice is much more typical, seemingly comprised of the producer just letting a sub-par West Coast Jazz album side play out over all of the action, with the result that every bit of screen business -- be it Mil Mascaras hurling a midget or Blue Demon staring blankly at a cue card -- carries the same negligible dramatic weight.



The Champions of Justice also represents another one of the trends that ran through Agrasanchez's lucha work, and that was his tendency to stuff his films full of as many masked wrestlers as they could possibly hold. Of course, that he would do so is not all that surprising, given that Champions -- which featured a total of six luchadores, including heavy-hitters Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras -- was one of his early successes in the genre. Audiences had seen wrestlers paired onscreen before in the several films that teamed Santo and Blue Demon, but it was Agrasanchez who made the use of small armies comprised of three or more fighters his own. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. In fact it's a great idea. It's just that the half-heartedness of Agrasanchez and his crew's execution so frequently resulted in these films being so much less than the sum of their parts and, as such, fragrant of wasted opportunity. I realize that a lot of people reserve a fond place in their hearts for The Champions of Justice, but I can't help thinking that they do so as a result of being in love more with what the film promises than with what it actually delivers.

The dependence of Agrasanchez on multiple wrestlers to make up his casts lead the producer to even invent new wrestlers of his own, which brings me to the last of the cinematic offenses he committed that I will comment upon here: Superzan. Superzan was a bodybuilder by the name of Alfonse Mora who Agrasanchez styled as a masked wrestler/superhero (the name was meant to suggest a combination of Superman and Tarzan) to both star in his own series of films and fill-out the bill in some of the producer's multi-wrestler extravaganzas -- such as the aforementioned Vampires of Coyoacan and the final entry in the Champions of Justice trilogy. Aside from a black hole-like lack of charisma, Superzan's biggest liability was probably his costume. While, by this time, other wrestling heroes were affecting a more casual look, wearing their street clothes, or at least a more basic wrestling ensemble, with their masks, Superzan in the field always wore a complete, head-to-toe superhero outfit complete with cape, sparkly skin-tight body suit and boots. When paired with a comparatively less flamboyant wrestler, this made him look kind of like the kid who insists on wearing his costume to the grocery store the day after Halloween. On top of this, it didn't help matters that the film meant to launch Superzan into stardom, Superzan el Invencible, is among the most lackluster and incomprehensible in Agrasanchez's body of work, so leaden with pointless filler that it stubbornly defies even the most masochistic viewer's efforts to view it to its conclusion.



Now that I've spent several paragraphs ardently running Rogelio Agrasanchez's contributions to lucha cinema into the ground, let me shift gears a bit and focus on another, quite different aspect of his career in film. This occurred later in his life, when he began to take interest in the preservation of Mexican commercial cinema's history, an interest which involved him acquiring and preserving, not only many original negatives of classic films, but also countless posters, lobby cards and other examples of Mexican film-related ephemera. In the 1980s, his son, Rogelio Jr., also began to take an interest in this project, and is today the owner and curator of the Agrasanchez Film Archive in Harlingen, Texas, home to thousands of movies and pieces of memorabilia from throughout the long and varied history of Mexican film. Apropos of the diversity of its contents, the archive boasts an ethos that is refreshingly egalitarian, catering to the standard scholarly interests while at the same time reflecting an attitude that The Braniac is every bit as worthy of study as Los Olvidados.

Now, to give you some idea of just how high my esteem is for efforts such as those of the Agrasanchez family, let me just say the following: Here at Teleport City, there is not a single day that passes -- not one single day -- in which we are not tortured -- tortured! -- by the fact that we will probably never be able to see the Filipino monster vs. superhero mash-up Batman Fights Dracula or the similarly tantalizing-sounding Turkish effort Killink vs. Frankenstein -- this largely due to the low premium those films' respective countries of origin placed on the preservation of their national popular cinema. On the other hand, we do not take lightly the fact that, when it comes to Mexican cinema, if we hear about a film such as, say, the science fiction/western/musical La Nave de los Monstruos, or the Sixties spy spoof Cazadores de Espias, in which a masked luchadore can be seen fighting a robot while a scantily clad Maura Monti go-go dances ringside, we can rest assured in the knowledge that sooner or later we'll probably be able to scare up a copy. Of course, I realize that this is not due to the efforts of the Agrasanchez family alone, but those efforts are emblematic of both an abiding respect for their nation's cinematic history and a forward-thinking understanding of the need for preservation of the type that makes the lives of basement-dwelling world cinema obsessives like ourselves less of the recipe for serial disappointment and despair than it otherwise might be.

In fact, so deep is my appreciation for Rogelio Agrasanchez in this regard that every negative word I cast in the direction of his efforts as a filmmaker is like a dagger plunged into my own side, making the preface of this review something akin to my own little private circle of Hell.



The primary reason that The Mummies of Guanajuato had the success that it did is because it marked the first time that the three biggest stars of lucha libre -- and of lucha cinema, for that matter -- had appeared onscreen together, those three stars being Santo, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras. I've devoted a lot of words to the careers of both Santo and Blue Demon in my reviews of Santo and Blue Demon vs. The Monsters and Santo vs. Blue Demon in Atlantis, but, for those not well versed in the particulars of Mexican wrestling movies, Mil Mascaras will probably need some introduction. Like Santo and Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras (the name means "Thousand Masks") had enjoyed success in his own series of films prior to making The Mummies of Guanajuato, though, beyond that, he was separated from his costumed co-stars by some marked differences in terms of both his personal style and his career path.

Mil, who was born Aaron Rodriguez in 1942, began his screen career in 1966 under the guidance of low budget independent film producer Luis Enrique Vergara. Vergara had produced popular lucha film series for both Santo and Blue Demon, but, by the time of signing Mil, had found himself without a star as a result of Santo moving on to greener paychecks and Blue suffering a debilitating injury that would keep him off the boards for a matter of months. Now, one major difference at this point between Mil and those other two stars at the dawn of their respective movie-making careers, aside from the fact that he was considerably younger, is that, unlike Santo and Blue, who began their film careers later in life and thus made films that capitalized upon the stardom that they had already achieved in the ring, Mil at the time of his screen debut was a relatively unknown up-and-comer, a fact which made Vergara casting him something of a gamble on the producer's part. As a result, Mil Mascaras was unique among lucha cinema's top stars in that his public persona had in part been established as a result of him appearing in these films, rather than the other way around. Of course, he would later go on to prove himself in the ring and, in that regard, achieve international fame that would in some ways even surpass Santo's, but that does not change the fact that, unlike his peers, he was, to some extent, a movie star first and a wrestler second, which may explain some of those differences in style that I referred to earlier.



For one thing, Mil was a dedicated bodybuilder, and had a lean, chiseled physique that was a marked contrast to the stockier builds seen on many of the wrestling stars of the day. This not only made him stand out, but also fit in nicely with the superheroic persona that Vergara had crafted for him. (Mil Mascaras, his scrupulously titled debut film, even fitted him with a Captain America-like origin story, in which, left orphaned as an infant during the war, he is raised by a team of scientists to be an invincible super soldier.) Beyond that, Mil brought a rockstar-like flamboyance to his style of dress that seemed exceptionally peacock-like even within the context of the colorful world of lucha libre. This may have been the result of his chosen gimmick, which was to wear numerous masks as opposed to one distinctive one, and which might have lead him to feel the need to visually distinguish himself by other means. Still, despite the name, the number of different masks he wore numbered far less than a thousand, and was generally limited to several highly identifiable models -- my favorite being a toothy green dragon number that looks like it could have been designed by Ed "Big Daddy" Roth.

The reason for Mil's signature sartorial style was more likely that he was just a big, glammy ham. And God bless him for it, because his clothes alone exponentially increase the entertainment value of any movie in which he appears. In The Mummies of Guanajuato, for instance, he spends much of his screen time wearing a pair of leopard print hotpants on top of a pair of gold lame wrestling tights, topped off with a red velvet vest with gold trim worn over a bare chest. As pimp-tastic as that may sound, it is only a distant second in splendor to the outfit he wore in the loose Mummies of Guanajuato sequel, The Mummies of San Angel, which consisted of a silver, billowy-sleeved pirate shirt paired with a vest that had his face -- in starburst, of course -- emblazoned on the back.

The Mummies of Guanajuato was originally intended to be a starring vehicle for Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras alone, but doubts on Agrasanchez's part that their names would carry the necessary box office clout lead him to make the eleventh hour addition of Santo to the cast just for good measure. Mil Mascaras reacted to the resulting dimunition of his role with pragmatic stoicism, but for Blue Demon this was just another insult in a long history of rivalry with el Enmascarado de Plata, and would reportedly remain a thorn in his side for the rest of his life. To Blue's point, Agrasanchez and company were certainly less than sensitive to their top billed stars' feelings in the ham-handed manner in which they inserted Santo into the action, essentially using him as a deus ex machina who shows up at the end to save the day with relatively little effort after Blue and Mil have proven ineffective for much of the previous running time. While Santo was basically credited as a special guest star, with Blue and Mil's names above the title, the true nature of his participation can be gleaned from the title that the movie was given upon its release in Spain later the same year: Santo vs. las Momias.



Now to fully understand and enjoy The Mummies of Guanajuato, one has to appreciate that the "mummies" of its title are not the kind of mummies that viewers of English language horror films are normally accustomed to, as, rather than being ancient mummies that are man-made in origin, they are naturally occurring mummies of much more recent vintage. The real Mummies of Guanajuato were corpses -- many of them casualties of a cholera epidemic that swept the city in 1933 -- that were disinterred from a cemetery in the Mexican city of Guanajuato between the years of 1896 and 1958 -- said disinterment being the result of a law that required loved ones to pay an annual grave tax in order to keep their dearly departed safely ensconced underground. Inevitably, some of those loved ones were unable or unavailable to make payment of that tax, and so up from the crypt old Aunt Paola and Uncle Gustavo came. Once those bodies were brought back into the cold light of day, it was found that many of them had undergone a natural process of mummification, the result, it has been conjectured, of soil and atmospheric conditions unique to the area.

As novel as that is in itself, the thing that ended up making the real-life Mummies of Guanajuato the stuff of legend, as well as a popular tourist attraction, is the fact that many of their faces were contorted in what appeared to be horrified screams. While this has been explained away by some dull scientific types as a natural result of the skin constricting in the course of mummification, the creepier and, thus, much preferable explanation is that these particular mummies had been cholera victims who had been hastily buried before they were completely and verifiably dead. So, as fascinating as we might like to pretend that the phenomenon of naturally occurring mummification is to us, it is, understandably, this tantalizing, spook show aspect of the mummies that has kept the coins of paying customers pouring into the till of the museum in Guanajuato where they are lovingly displayed.



The movie The Mummies of Guanajuato indoctrinates us into its idiosyncratically meandering and lackadaisical way with storytelling in its very opening moments, treating us to a startlingly ponderous sequence in which the camera appears to be following a tour bus in real time through the entire length of the city. Finally the bus comes to a stop at the Mummies of Guanajuato museum, at which point its party disembarks, lead by a miniature tour guide going by the name of Penguin (Jorge Pinguino, here the only little person in the cast, but otherwise a key member of the Agrasanchez Midgets in most of the other movies in which they appeared). Soon thereafter we are given a view of the actual Mummies of Guanajuato, which are every bit as creepy as advertised. After a few introductory words, Penguin then leads the group into another room where a group of "special" mummies are housed. These seven mummies, he explains, are, for reasons unknown, markedly less decomposed than the others, and he's not kidding. The muscle tone on these things is amazing. This, of course, is because they are portrayed by a group of professional wrestlers who have been mummied-up with tattered clothing and hash-faced zombie make-up.

At the center of this group of special mummies is a towering figure with a droopy-eyed make-up job that looks very similar to Gary Conway's in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein. This, Penguin tells the assembled vacationers, is a former wrestler called Satan, and he is portrayed by Manuel Leal, who we last saw as the goateed Frankenstein's monster in Santo and Blue Demon vs. The Monsters, and who would also gain fame both in the ring and in a number of Agrasanchez's multi-starrer lucha movies as the masked wrestler Tinieblas. Satan, Penguin continues, lost his championship title to an identically named and masked ancestor of Santo a hundred years previous and, at that time, having allegedly made a pact with the devil, swore to return from the dead a hundred years hence to seek vengeance upon el Enmascerado de Plata's descendants and supporters. In response to this, one of the tourists innocently asks on which day Satan's curse would come due. Why, "exactly today", replies Penguin after a bit of mental calculation. Then, having neatly set up the entire plot of The Mummies of Guanajuato, he promptly moves on without a word of explanation as to the identities of the other six preternaturally burly mummies on display.



The notion of the mantle of Santo being a legacy handed down from generation to generation is not unique to The Mummies of Guanajuato, and was in fact a plot element in a number of earlier Santo movies. Films like 1965's Baron Brakola and 1969's El Mundo de los Muertos even presented a Colonial era version of Santo called the Caballero Enmascarado de Plata. This character was usually simply portrayed by Santo wearing a frilly collar along with his mask, and required the wrestler to engage in some fancy rapier work in addition to his usual moves, though on occasion another actor was brought in for the role. The device was generally used just as it is in The Mummies of Guanajuato: to justify the supernatural appearance of some vengeance-seeking foe of one of Santo's ancestors in the present day, a situation whose frequent re-occurrence throughout the series gives the clear impression that Santo's forebears were not very good at settling their own scores in their own time.

It probably goes without saying that, soon after Penguin drops the bomb about Satan's very imminent, if fabled, return -- and once the museum has been cleared of visitors -- the diminutive guide catches a glimpse of the hulking cadaver starting to shudder back to life. In response, he faints and lapses into druggy, fish-eye-lens-shot visions of the wrestler-mummies pawing at him hungrily, at which point the movie's action shifts to the nearby Santa Fe Inn. Here is where best friends Lina (played by 70s lucha movie fixture Elsa Cardenaz) and Alicia (Patricia Ferrer) earn their daily bread, the former as a lounge singer and the latter as a cigarette girl. Lina is Mil Mascaras' girlfriend, though, because she appears to live in Guanajuato and Mil Mascaras seems to only come through town when his fight schedule requires, I'm not sure whether she's his girlfriend girlfriend, or just, you know , his girlfriend in Guanajuato. (Oh, snap, upon a repeat pass I caught a bit I missed in which she threatens to return Mil's engagement ring, which pretty much settles that question. Sorry Lina.)



Anyway, because we have just had several uninterrupted minutes of fairly solid plot development, it is now time for us to watch a musical number performed by an unidentified woman who plays absolutely no part in the rest of the film, despite the fact that we have just been introduced to a major character who is a singer. Once this is over, Penguin stumbles into the lounge in an agitated state, at which point we learn that, while we have been watching the lady sing, the plot of The Mummies of Guanajuato has moved on without us. Penguin tells us and the girls that, upon reviving from his faint, he found the body of Satan missing, and, upon follow-up, the three of them find footprints leading away from the pedestal on which it had stood. Fortunately, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras are in town, and so the girls race with Penguin in tow to the arena where they are appearing, which affords the opportunity for a lengthy wrestling sequence in which Mil and Blue fight a tag team match against a couple of identically bearded goons.

After the match, Lina, Alicia and Penguin, having made their way back to our stars' dressing room, find Blue and Mil in a much less heroic mood than they might have hoped for. It seems that both have had their memories wiped of all those encounters with vampires, werewolves, space aliens and mummies that have marked their cinematic careers up to this point, causing them to scoff at Penguin's story and instead offer all kinds of pragmatic-sounding explanations for why the mummy might be missing. This is something that happens in lucha movies from time to time, especially in those starring Santo: a sort of periodic slate-cleaning that I appreciate for the simple reason that it prevents anyone from ever being able to make reference to a Santo "universe" or "canon", which would in turn necessitate that I kill them or scream the word "no" into their ears so loudly and protractedly that they forget their own names. In any case, Blue Demon will ultimately pay for his arrogance, as later that night, when he is leaving the deserted arena, the reanimated Satan comes up and clobbers him from behind. Satan then stands ringside and has a mummy flashback to his fateful match with Santo's ancestor all those years ago, providing another opportunity for a long wrestling sequence, during which no attempt to convey period is made whatsoever. Afterward, and perhaps with the intention of working his way up gradually to fighting within his own weight class, he kills the elderly caretaker at the arena and then an old drunk guy whom he encounters on the street outside. Later, the Guanajuato police will speculate that the manner of death of these two victims -- i.e., ass kicking -- suggests that a professional wrestler might be the culprit.



Now, armed with clear evidence of sinister supernatural doings afoot, Blue, Mil and the girls hit the streets -- Blue in his Alpha Romeo, and the rest in Mil's awesome green dune buggy -- to do some mummy hunting. They are not so successful in this respect, but they do come across some kind of street fare where some people in Colonial era garb are performing some kind of folk tune on traditional instruments, which enables us to take a much needed breather from what has been yet another several minutes of uninterrupted plot development. Afterward, to pick up the slack, Penguin does his part to move things along by thoughtfully phoning Blue to let him know that he is being murdered by Satan at that very moment. The group rush to Penguin's apartment, only to find that Satan has had yet one more success in his campaign to practice his wrestling skills upon only the most impossibly over-matched opponents.

And it is at this point, in the aftermath of Penguin's murder, that Blue Demon makes a couple of decisions that seriously put into question his leadership skills. First of all, he determines that the group shouldn't report Penguin's death to the authorities, for the reason that "they'd think it was us", despite the fact that -- even though, by doing so, he is predicting a plot development that is still a ways off from actually happening -- there has been little reason established at this point why they would. Second of all, he fatefully rejects Mil Mascaras' suggestion that they get Santo involved, protesting that that would be exactly what the damn mummy wants. Of course, this is only a bad decision in light of how everything turns out, as it provides Blue with a mouthful of words that he will ultimately have to eat. Finally, as they make their way out of Penguin's apartment, the gang is confronted by Satan and the other six wrestler-mummies, whose resurrection is as yet and will remain unexplained. After a bit of grappling, Blue Demon declares the Mummies indestructible and orders a retreat, setting the tone for all of Mil and Blue's further encounters with the mummies over the remaining course of the movie.



One of the positive aspects of The Mummies of Guanajuato is that it is one of those infrequent lucha pictures that actually tries to provide its luchadore heroes with some back-story and character development. This is done, not only by providing Mil Mascaras with a love interest, but also by introducing a subplot involving Blue Demon having a young adopted son, Julio, who comes to stay with him while he's in Guanajuato. What's most surprising about this particular tack is how effective it is. Blue actually manages to convey some genuine warmth and affection in those scenes he shares with the kid, and watching him wrestle playfully with Julio and pretend to be incapacitated by his fledgling attempt at a face-lock is both enjoyable and affecting. It just confirms all of those warm and fuzzy feelings I've always had for Blue -- forever and undeservedly the earnest and striving second banana -- and makes it all the more sad when the whole picture ends up getting jerked out from under him.

Compounding The Mummies of Guanajuato's insult to Blue is the fact that it includes undoubtedly the most humiliating enactment of the time-tested "Evil Blue Demon" gimmick in his filmography. As I've mentioned in my other reviews, it became typical in those films starring both Santo and Blue Demon for an evil version of Blue Demon to be introduced -- either by way of Blue being somehow brainwashed or possessed, or via the introduction of a malevolent double -- so that fans could see Santo and Blue -- who were rivals in the ring, but allies on screen -- fight one another while still preserving their status as cinematic BFFs. Somehow this trope eventually achieved a life beyond its initial utility and began to turn up in even those films in which Blue didn't have to fight Santo, as if audiences just grew to expect it. In the case of The Mummies of Guanajuato, the trick is simply accomplished by having the evil mummy Satan sneak up and clobber Blue from behind, then steal both his mask and the clothes off his back and give them to one of his hench-mummies to carry out the impersonation. That hench-mummy then dresses up as Blue and goes out and kills some people, leading the police to suspect Blue in earnest. Soon the TV is broadcasting reports that Blue Demon is wanted and "on the run", despite the fact that he's still just hanging out with Mil at Lina and Alicia's place like he was before all this happened.

As I suggested earlier, The Mummies of Guanajuato then plays out as a series of encounters between Mil and Blue and the mummies, during which the mummies manage to do considerable damage and Mil and Blue's efforts prove to have little effect whatsoever. Finally, someone behind the scenes decides that a suitable amount of running time has been achieved, and that it is time for a hastily contrived, entirely coincidence-dependent ending to be fashioned in order to wrap things up. To that end, Santo and his manager (played by his actual manager and frequent screen sidekick Carlos Suarez), while driving home from a match, just happen to decide to stop for the night in Guanajuato, pulling into the town square just as the mummies are attacking a group of townspeople. After a brief scuffle, Santo, echoing Blue's earlier sentiments, declares the mummies "undefeatable' and retreats, but soon returns to the fray, soon after to be joined in the fight by Mil and Blue. Things are looking grim for a moment, until Santo, in a moment of sudden inspiration, asks Mil to go fetch some flamethrower pistols that are sitting on the seat of his car. Mil dutifully complies, and when he gets to Santo's car -- what do you know? -- there the pistols are, right on the seat where Carlos Suarez had been sitting only moments before. Mil returns and distributes the pistols to Santo and Blue, after which the three of them open fire, quickly reducing all of the previously indestructible mummies to piles of smoking ash like so many spent Black Snakes. Everyone laughs, and Lina turns to Blue Demon and says, "You would have saved a lot of trouble if you had called Santo on time." Ouch.



In terms of box office success, The Mummies of Guanajuato was a sort of last hurrah for the once lucrative lucha genre, enjoying a run in Mexico City that, at nine weeks, was longer than that of any Santo movie previous or since. As a result, a slew of sequels was spawned in its wake, none of which were able to duplicate its impact, mainly due to the fact that they were unable to feature the same assemblage of talent (Superzan was even in one of them). The popularity of the film even had consequences for the actual Mummies of Guanajuato, as the museum where they were housed saw a considerable rise in attendance as a result of the free publicity. That the film's impact was so profound is all the more impressive when you consider what an aimless, lazily-constructed mess The Mummies of Guanajuato is. You'd have to be kind of humorless, however, to also not find it to be a good bit of fun, and it is that, combined with the thrill of seeing its three heavy hitting stars sharing the screen for the first time, that I imagine accounted for its broad appeal.

In fact, it is by virtue of its very shortcomings that The Mummies of Guanajuato provides a perfect example of the lucha genre's beauty and magic. It is a film that -- without the presence of Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras and Santo -- would be completely unwatchable, but that, somehow, by its inclusion of three grown men who conduct all of their affairs from behind constricting and colorfully ornamented full head masks, attains an added dimension that renders it irresistibly compelling. You could perhaps call it "surrealism" or "absurdity", but I think that, for me, the real key to these movie's allure is that, once you make the leap required to accept these improbable figures as your heroes, you have crossed a frontier in the suspension of disbelief that leaves you liberated in a state of unbounded, childlike credulity. Truly, to accept the notion that a masked wrestler in leopard print hotpants and gold lame tights is the world's best hope against a bunch of murderous mummies that all look like Hulk Hogan wearing a rubber fright mask from Walgreen's brings with it a joy of surrender paralleled by few other experiences on Earth.

The Mummies of Guanajuato is helped in this regard by the fact that, in classic lucha movie tradition -- and despite the very obvious fact that no one behind the scenes was taking things very seriously at all -- everyone in front of the camera plays it completely straight throughout. At no time are you in doubt that any of our protagonists see these wrestlers in crappy zombie make-up as being anything but the gravest threat that the Earth has ever confronted. For all the fun that could be had at the expense of Blue, Santo and Mil's acting abilities, that's a pretty impressive feat, because I doubt that I, in their shoes, could have done a comparable job of keeping a straight face.



In the final analysis, then, The Mummies of Guanajuato, while by no means a great film, is nonetheless an important one in the history of lucha cinema, not to mention one that's a stupid good time if you know what you're getting into. For myself, the film generates enough goodwill by virtue of its sheer goofiness that I'm willing to overlook most of its many flaws in the interest of just going along and enjoying the ride. Most of its flaws, that is, except one: and that would be the disrespect shown toward my man Blue Demon. It just pains me to think that Blue went into this project thinking that it would be a star vehicle, only to have it turn into something of a prolonged joke at his expense. And the thought that, as a result, he began each of his remaining days by mumbling bitterly into his Cornflakes about Santo and his stupid flamethrower pistols -- while admittedly funny, though in a totally rueful way -- brings me no joy at all. The man clearly deserved better.

Still, I take heart in the fact that Blue Demon's film career was far from over at this point, with a number of its high points still ahead. I also take solace in those few moments in The Mummies of Guanajuato when the film, taking a break from making him the butt of its jokes, actually manages to place Blue Demon in a suitably iconic context. Such is the movie's final sequence, in which he, Santo and Mil ride smiling off into the sunset -- Blue and Santo in their respective sports cars, and Mil in his dune buggy. At that moment, all of those perhaps less than spectacular exploits that we've witnessed on the parts of our heroes over the past ninety minutes are wiped away, and we see them only as their most perfect selves: three titans of lucha cinema heading off toward the vast unknown, heartily embracing the promise of greater dangers and grander adventures ahead. It's such an inspiring image that, even though we know that said promise will ultimately be realized by way of cheesy and unconvincing monster make-up and charity haunted house-level special effects -- not to mention padded to within an inch of its life with lengthy wrestling matches and unwanted musical numbers -- we cannot help but want to follow along.

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Female Prisoner Scorpion: Jailhouse 41

Release Year: 1972
Country: Japan
Starring: Meiko Kaji, Fumio Watanabe, Kayoko Shiraishi, Hiroko Isayama, Yukie Kagawa
Writers: Hiro Matsuda, Tooru Shinohara (manga)
Director: Shunya Ito
Music: Shunsuke Kikuchi
Also known as: Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41, Scorpion: Female Prisoner Cage #41, Joshuu Sasori: Dai-41 Zakkyo-bo


Shunya Ito's first entry in the Female Prisoner Scorpion series, Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion, was essentially a women-in-prison picture that combined the action, violence and titillation typical of that subgenre with a striking number of audacious artistic touches. Ito's second entry, Female Prisoner Scorpion: Jailhouse 41, was a whole other animal entirely. Emboldened, perhaps, by the success of the first film and the amount of creative leeway given him by Toei, Ito this time largely dispensed with genre trappings and delivered a film that was even more obviously the product of a singular directorial vision. Relentlessly bleak and harrowing, yet suffused with a desolate, breathtaking beauty and daring sense of visual invention, Jailhouse 41 is like a nightmare you don't want to wake up from.

One of the most obvious changes that this second entry makes to the Scorpion template is in the presentation of its heroine. The fact that the first film had dealt with the pedestrian niceties of back-story allowed Ito -- aided by another astonishing performance from his star, Meiko Kaji -- to free Matsu/aka Scorpion from the moorings of earthbound considerations of character and move her completely into the realm of archetype. As such, Kaji portrays her as an extra-human engine of vengeance with a nuclear core of rage forged from the countless injustices done her by men and the corrupt, male-driven society that they represent: In short, the terrible price of all her nation's sins given human form.




While Female Prisoner #701 sought to provide Matsu with a narrative that gave her recognizably human motivations, Jailhouse 41 renders all of that irrelevant by telling us everything we need to know about her character in a brief, opening credits sequence of startling power and economy. It is this increased sure-handedness that relegates the first film -- although an impressive and unique work in its own right -- to being clearly the least of the three Scorpion films that Ito directed, and marks Jailhouse 41 as the film in which the series came decisively into its own.

In Jailhouse 41, Ito builds a lot upon those elements of his creative arsenal that he put to use in the first film -- his visual references to traditional Japanese theater and the use of hallucinatory sequences involving horror movie-like imagery among them -- but he also introduces many new ones. One of those is his practice here of having the actors freeze in tableau during certain scenes -- something that comes off looking a lot weirder than a simple freeze frame would. Creative sound design also plays a much bigger part in this film, and even extends to abruptly cutting the sound completely at some points in order to better portray -- as many of these effects are intended to -- Matsu's interior reality. It is this expressive use of sound that serves so well to make our introduction to Matsu in Jailhouse 41 such a memorable one.




The film begins with an echoing, disembodied female voice repeatedly calling the name "Sasori" (Scorpion), as if in incantation, as the camera snakes through the dark, cavern-like hallways leading down into the bowels of the prison. Finally we reach the door to Matsu's subterranean cell, and the haunting call gives way to a steady and methodically persistent scraping sound. As the sound continues, we see Matsu, lying with her hands chained behind her back on the damp floor of the dungeon-like cell, her back to us, much as she was at the beginning of the last film -- though this time, we will learn, she has been chained alone in that cell for a full year's time. We are unable to make out the source of the sound until the camera moves around to face Matsu, at which point we see that she has clenched tightly between her teeth a metal spoon, which she is tirelessly working to sharpen by scraping it repeatedly against a very well-worn groove in the concrete floor -- her face all the while frozen in a look of cauldron-eyed fury that is almost terrifying beyond description. As the credits roll, she is shown over the course of time (Days? ...Months?), her position changing very little as she ceaselessly sharpens away, the piece of metal clasped in her jaws gradually transforming from a spoon into a blade. By the time this sequence is over, we have seen more than enough to convince us of Matsu's preternatural singularity of purpose, and wouldn't doubt for a minute that she could spend the entirety of a year in sleepless pursuit of fashioning an implement of vengeance.

As the credits end, Matsu's labor are interrupted by a visit from the warden (Fumio Watanabe). Since losing his eye to Matsu in the first installment, the warden has clearly become as obsessively dedicated to Matsu's unhappiness as she is to his, and he informs her in no uncertain terms that he intends for her to be locked in her underground tomb forever -- with the exception of today, when she will be briefly trotted out in order to keep up appearances for a visiting prison official. The warden further informs her, with some regret, that he has accepted a promotion that will place him outside the prison, and, as a result, he will no longer be able to personally supervise her constant brutalization. Matsu responds to this news with a subtle amplification of what I referred to in my review of the first film as THE LOOK, letting us know that she sees this as her last chance for payback.




That look, now honed to a lacerating acuity, will get a serious workout over the course of Jailhouse 41. Because, while Kaji's performance in the first Scorpion film wasn't a particularly verbal one, her turn here renders it positively chatty by comparison. Matsu speaks a mere two lines over the entire course of the film, both of which occur within the final fifteen minutes and are comprised of less than four words (and one of which, "You sold me", is, fittingly, a testament of betrayal). This makes Kaji's performance here even more of a wonder to behold. Certainly, there are moments in which Matsu speaks through action, but it is those moments of stillness -- of watching, of waiting -- that most indelibly define her character. Given this, Kaji's take on Scorpion comes across as nothing less than an iron-willed assertion of sheer presence -- and goes a long way toward justifying her cult icon status today.

When Matsu is herded into the prison's exercise yard -- manacled and, by all appearances, barely able to walk thanks to her months spent in chains -- we see that her long absence from the general population has made her something of a legend among the other inmates, and her presence is greeted by them with hushed awe. Propped up by two guards, she is forced into formation with the other prisoners as the visiting official walks among them, spouting stultifying rehabilitory bromides. Matsu is less hobbled than she seems, however, and, when the first opportunity arises, she make a lunge for the warden. She fails narrowly in her intended goal of taking out the warden's remaining good eye, but succeeds spectacularly in putting the fear of God into the visiting official, who promptly drops to his knees and shits in his pants. Inspired by Scorpion's example, the other prisoners run riot through the yard.




Punishment comes for the inmates in the form of hard labor in the rock quarry, though Matsu is relegated to simply walking among them with a heavy cross-shaped tree stump lashed to her back. Observing this, the warden lets the guards know that, if their intention was to break Scorpion's influence over the prisoners, their semiotics are a little off. He instead proposes to humiliate Matsu in front of her peers once and for all by having her gang raped by a group of guards in monks robes and stocking masks. This brutal act is perpetrated by the guards with all of the nightmarishly caricatured grotesquerie that we've come to count on from the Pinky Violence genre's depictions of male rapacity, and accomplished with Matsu, glaring molten daggers all the while, still spread-eagled upon the makeshift cross, proving that Norifumi Suzuki was not the only Japanese exploitation director who delighted in flailing away at Christian iconography.

Sadly, this defilement seems to achieve its intended purpose, and, with the exception of a sensitive young inmate named Rose, Matsu is promptly turned upon by her deliriously stir-crazy fellow convicts. On the meatwagon ride back to the prison, she is beaten mercilessly by a gang lead by Oba (Kayoko Shiraishi), a vicious older inmate with a face frozen in the stylized grimace of a Kabuki demon. With this beating, however, Oba has unwittingly aided Matsu in effecting the gang's escape, for when the guards, believing her dead, come to check on her condition, Matsu manages to overpower and strangle one of them with her chains. After taking out the remaining guard, Matsu, Oba, Rose and four other prisoners escape into the surrounding wilderness. When the warden and his lieutenants later arrive upon the scene, they find the van trashed and both guards dead -- one of them, a participant in Matsu's rape at the quarry, gorily castrated with a tree stump (one of those sights that is all the more horrible for how it sets you to imagining just how on Earth the act was accomplished).




A couple weeks back I reviewed Cecil B. DeMille's silent film The Godless Girl, an early example of the youth-in-prison genre that took a different, but equally allegorical, approach to its depiction of prison life vs. life on the "outside" as Jailhouse 41. In that film, the young protagonists make a break for it and are able to escape momentarily into the countryside beyond the prison's walls. This is presented as a brief, idyllic episode, with the lush natural surroundings representing an Eden-like paradise that stands in stark contrast to the Hell on Earth represented by the prison. In Jailhouse there is no such contrast, as the women, once "free", find the outside world to be every bit as harsh and filled with cruelty as their former confines. To underscore this, the landscape they travel through after their escape is shown as a blasted, volcanic wasteland, and their first shelter a desolate ghost town half buried in black ash. The message is clearly that, being that these are women whose lives and actions have placed them outside the narrow roles defined for them by society, theirs is a world that has no place for them, and offers no true freedom.

Of course, under these circumstances the women prove to be just as much of a threat to each other as anything else in their environment, as their time in prison seems to have left most of them too addled to take any kind of effective or concerted action. It is Matsu alone who maintains a composed -- albeit hyper-vigilant -- facade, and the volatility and caterwauling that surrounds her serves even more to underscore her unnatural stillness. This eerie calm -- and the way that Matsu watches Oba as if in deep recognition of something Oba herself seems desperate to avoid understanding -- leads Oba to see Matsu as a threat, and to tirelessly seek to engage her in a power struggle that Matsu invariably wins by virtue of abstaining from it. Despite this adversarial relationship, the two are repeatedly framed as being inextricably linked, and it is predictably Oba's resistance to seeing her and Matsu's fates as being bound together that leads to her end.




It is hard to single out one moment in Jailhouse 41 as being the film's most haunting, because there are many such moments. From the outset of the women's dash to freedom through this nightmarish terrain, Ito creates an atmosphere that makes even those moments that, on paper, read like simple convicts-on-the-run boilerplate fraught with a creeping sense of horror and unease. But the moment that takes the most decisive turn toward the supernatural occurs during the women's brief hideaway in the ash-blasted ghost town. The night brings a violent storm, during which the women are drawn to a small hut whose walls suddenly collapse to reveal a mad-eyed old woman, cowering in a blanket with a knife tightly gripped in both hands. Later, as the women gather around a fire, the old woman, still clutching the knife, sings an eerie song, lamenting -- in an echo of the Scorpion series' theme song, sung over the credits of each film by Kaji herself -- that "women commit crimes because of men". Over a series of surreal tableaus staged in the formal, stylized manner of Kabuki theater, she goes on to sing of each woman's crimes, and we learn that Oba, in a fit of rage against a philandering husband, murdered her own children, one of them an unborn whom she killed by stabbing herself in the womb.

Later, when the warden and his men are closing in on them, the prisoners escape with the old woman into a forest of maple trees that Ito has bathed in a disconcertingly artificial looking autumnal glow. The old woman collapses and, before dying, relinquishes the knife to Matsu while mumbling something about a curse. A ghostly wind whips through the trees and partially buries the body of the woman in fallen leaves, after which it vanishes into thin air. We then see Matsu, now holding the knife, as her hair whips wildly in the wind, a sudden unearthly glow rising upon her face. For anyone who might have stumbled upon Jailhouse 41 with the expectation of seeing a run-of-the-mill women's prison picture, this has to be the movie's most resounding WTF moment.




The women's further adventures on the lamb yield no less amount of strangeness or misfortune. Once they have taken shelter on the outskirts of a small village, it's demonstrated how straying from the group leads to tragic consequences. One women is lured by the warden, using her small child and elderly parents as bait, and coerced into betraying the others, which leads to a bloody confrontation that leaves two guards and one of the women dead. Later, young Rose wanders off and encounters a group of drunken salarymen on holiday, one of whom has just been regaling his companions with tales of raping Chinese civilians during the war. The world that Jailhouse 41 has sketched for us decrees only one possible outcome for this meeting, and so Rose is brutally raped and murdered, her body tossed like a rag doll from a cliff into the rapids of a nearby river. In just one of many of the film's instances of surreal visual poetry, the waterfall runs deep crimson as a result, and the women, seeing this, intuit exactly what has happened. Matsu and the others trail the men to the tour bus from which they came and hijack it, taking all of the passengers onboard hostage.

During the siege that follows, the escapees terrorize their captives in a vindictive frenzy, while Matsu, still clutching the old woman's knife, watches in her usual impenetrable silence from the front of the bus. She entertains a hallucination of the bus suddenly converting into a minimalistically-rendered courtroom with the passengers as a hectoring jury and the women kneeling in chains before them. This morphs into an even stranger fantasy scenario in which the women are each shown being trapped in fishing nets and prodded at by a jeering crowd of villagers, until Matsu manages to cut through the net with the old woman's blade and stand triumphantly before her stunned persecutors. You think for a moment that Matsu might intervene on behalf of those hostages who appear to be innocent, but these visions seem to advise her otherwise.




Jailhouse 41 ends similarly to the first Scorpion film, with Matsu, the sole survivor out of the original gang of seven, back on the streets after having successfully avoided capture by a variety of single-mindedly ruthless means. Now clad in the same black pimping ensemble she wore at the end of Female Prisoner #701, she is now intent on enacting the vengeance that she has been thirsting for since the outset. Unlike the first time, however, her target is the warden, and she dispatches him in much the same protracted manner she did her betraying boyfriend the first time around, stalking him relentlessly through the streets and slashing him to ribbons with the blade bestowed upon her by the old woman. Once this is accomplished, we see Matsu reflected in the Warden's glass eye, laughing hysterically -- after which she is seen reunited with her fellow escapees, all back in their prison uniforms and running through the streets of the apparently deserted city, handing the knife one off to the other as they go.

As jarring as it is to see a smile on Meiko Kaji's face after all that has gone before, this fanciful coda was the only such sequences in Jailhouse 41 that fell a little flat for me. For one thing, that Scorpion's killing of the warden would appear to so effectively lift her burden seems to contradict the tone of the entire film, as it would more likely be a hollow victory, and leave no fewer insurmountable battles in its wake. Furthermore, the image of the women passing the knife between them, while fashionably militant, represents an offering up of a somewhat glib and depressingly limited concept of girl power. Of a piece, it seems like a pat, conciliatory gesture tacked onto the end of a film that has to this point been uncompromising in its vision. Of course, that vision may be unrelentingly bleak, but there is enough redemption to be found in the beauty and inspired ingenuity of its unveiling to render any tacked-on upbeat ending unnecessary. After all, one of the things that carved out a special place for this film in my heart is how it manages to be so oppressively nihilistic in its content while being so transcendent in its presentation.




So what is Female Prisoner Scorpion: Jailhouse 41, you might ask. Is it a women-in-prison film? A horror film? An exploitation film? An art film? The answer -- as it is when anyone poses those kind of rhetorical questions in the context of a film review -- is that it's all of those in fairly equal measure. It is also a film that is filled with more ideas than its somewhat loosely structured screenplay at times seems capable of holding, and as a result it can come across to some as little more than a series of dazzling but only tangentially connected set pieces. This is an impression that will, I feel, be allayed by repeat viewings. Because -- other than those that I singled out above -- each of those set pieces ultimately reveals itself to be true to the film's emotional and moral core. As I said, this film is like a nightmare, and, in taking the form of a dream, it gains cohesion from the beating heart of emotional truth that hides within it, rather than from anything approaching a tidy narrative structure. Also like a nightmare, it has a way of sticking with you long after it has come and gone.

While Jailhouse 41's final sequence feels like it wants to be the end of the story, the truth, as most of you know, is that that was far from the case. Shunya Ito had one more Scorpion film in him -- and while it's arguable that, with Female Prisoner Scorpion: Beast Stable, the director topped Jailhouse 41, it is certain that he contributed yet another bold addition to the series.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Vampire Circus

Release Year: 1972
Country: England
Starring: Thorley Walters, Anthony, John Moulder-Brown, Laurence Payne, Richard Owens, Lynne Frederick, Elizabeth Seal, Robin Hunter, Domini Blythe, Robert Tayman, Mary Wimbush, Robin Sachs, Lalla Ward, Skip Martin, David Prowse, Roderick Shaw.
Writer: Judson Kinberg
Director: Robert Young
Cinematographer: Moray Grant
Music: David Whitaker
Producer: Wilbur Stark
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


At various points in various reviews, we've discussed the painful demise of Hammer Studios and the Hammer horror film, so rather than rehash it here yet again, I direct you to Taste the Blood of Dracula (the review, I don't mean I'm actually directing you to taste Dracula's blood, should you have any lying about), Dracula AD 1972, and Satanic Rites of Dracula, all of which ramble on and probably repeat the same information about Hammer's inability to sustain itself into the 1970s and in the face of a brutal collapse of the British film industry. I also point out on several occasions that, despite the fact that Hammer was a rudderless ship adrift in a tumultuous sea, many -- in fact, most -- of the horror films they made in the 1970s were of exceptional quality. It's a shame that the worst horror film they ever made, To the Devil...A Daughter was their last, and thus the swan song for a studio that deserved much better.

Dracula films had been, along with Peter Cushing's Frankenstein films, the studio's bread and butter, but Hammer experimented from time to time with non-Dracula vampire films, with varying degrees of success. The first of these, oddly, was the first sequel to the studios smash hit Horror of Dracula. The Brides of Dracula finds Peter Cushing reprising his role as Dr. Van Helsing, but other than a few mentions here and there, Dracula is out of action for this film, and the action instead focuses on a second bloodsucker. Hammer had it in their head that the film series would be about Van Helsing, cruising around Victorian Europe fighting the various vampires Dracula had spawned, or something to that effect -- sort of like the Sons of Hercules, only instead of huge bodybuilders in tunics, it was a skinny British guy in a greatcoat. Hammer's reasoning may have seemed sound at first. Peter Cushing was their biggest star, after all, and venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee was, at the time, just promising horror film newcomer Christopher Lee.


But Hammer sorely underestimated the appeal of promising horror film newcomer Christopher Lee and, more importantly, the desire to actually see Dracula in any film that used the name Dracula in the title. So while Brides of Dracula is a spectacularly entertaining film, wasn't what audiences or distributors were looking for. When Hammer dipped its tow back into the Dracula waters with Dracula, Prince of Darkness, they made sure that Dracula -- played once again by now venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee -- was in the movie. But Hammer still liked to toy with the occasional non-Dracula vampire film, usually with great artistic success. 1963's Kiss of the Vampire is wonderful, for example. But after the release of Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Hammer went into "all Dracula, all the time" mode, and any script for a vampire film had to be a Dracula film, because otherwise, the British public would miss out on another round of venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee complaining about Dracula movies.

Time passed, and many Dracula films came and went. So many, in fact, that eventually Hammer had no idea what to do with the guy. He'd been killed once and for all more times than The Ramones had farewell tours. So in 1970, as the studio was entering its downward spiral years, someone decided to revive the old idea of a Dracula movie without Dracula. This time, however, distributors nipped the temptation in the bud, and Taste the Blood of Dracula has the iconic count crowbarred into the script so he could stand in the shadows and provide a running countdown of the people who had been killed. It's quite a good movie, but Dracula himself is more superfluous than usual, and he was pretty superfluous in most of the films. The count would limp on through a couple more features, including Scars of Dracula (which I like more and more as the years go on) and Dracula AD 1972, before The Satanic Rites of Dracula put the final stake through the heart of the franchise, completing Dracula's transformation from a raging force of nature into a supernatural demon and, ultimately, into a cartoonish spy movie style mad villain. All he lacked was a TV transmitter that allowed him to broadcast taunts directly onto an oval-shaped monitor on the wall of Van Helsing's study.


At the same time the Dracula films were making their grim march to the grave, however, Hammer did succeed in bringing one corpse back from the dead: the idea of a vampire film unrelated to Dracula. This came in the form of The Vampire Lovers, but more specifically, it came in the form of star Ingrid Pitt and the newfound permission to feature nudity in their films. The Vampire Lovers was enough of a success that it spawned two loosely connected sequels -- the weak Lust for a Vampire and the exceptional Twins of Evil. It also opened the doors for a flailing Hammer to try and find some way of mixing the old with the new, of sticking to the tried and true vampire film that had supported them for so many years, but without relying on Dracula. Modern twists on old formulas, if you will. This lead to two of Hammer's very best vampire movies, and had the studio had more time, more money, and more faith in its product, they might have had themselves two new franchises capable of carrying the studio through hard times when madcap On the Bus comedies could not. One of these films was Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter. The other was Vampire Circus.

Both films felt very different from any of Hammer's previous vampire films. Vampire Circus, in particular, is probably one of the weirdest feeling films Hammer ever produced. It's not psychedelic, mind you, but it's like one of those psychedelic themed novelty records made by some old guy still trying to be hip with the kids. Or like Psychedelic Shack by The Temptations. That's a good album, but no one was really going to buy The Temptations as a trippy psychedelic band, especially in 1970. Similarly, Vampire Circus is a really good film, possibly even a great film, but it never quite succeeds in feeling "modern," not when it's up against something like Blacula, for example, or the glut of Satanism movies that were coming out around the same time. Instead, Vampire Circus becomes its own really weird creature, rather unique and unlike any of the vampire films that came before it. In fact, though you could draw a connection to the old Universal House Of... movies because of the inclusion of a traveling gypsy circus, Vampire Circus has more in common with a film like Freaks or The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao than it has with Hammer's previous vampire films.


The best and worst the film has to offer is right at the front, before the credits even role. A simple yet eerie and effective intro finds a local village man and his daughter in the woods. The little girl is tempted away from her father by a woman we know just isn't quite right. The father, upon noticing, shrieks with terror and clamors to rescue his daughter, but it's too late, and she disappears with the woman inside a creepy looking castle. The distraught man then rounds up a posse to carry torches and shake pitchforks at the inhabitant of the castle, a mysterious and threatening character named Count Mitterhouse (TV bit actor Robert Tayman). So far, so good. Everything has been really creepy in the same way the picture on the cover of that first Black Sabbath album is creepy. Yeah, it's just a grainy photo of a weird looking chick in black robes standing in a clump of dead trees with a spooky house behind her, but it's always scared me a little, even today. That woman would have definitely been in league with Mitterhaus, and if she lead you back to her lair with the beckoning of a slender (apparently green) finger, you'd be in for about two minutes of passionate spooky lovemaking and nudity, and then she'd rip your throat open or somehow manage to have gotten you lashed onto a series of hooks that pull off your skin or something like that.

However, what awaits within the walls of the castle is a bit different, and this is where the worst comes into play. Mitterhaus is absolutely ludicrous. He's like a spoof vampire played by a drag queen in a disco musical written, directed, starring, and only seen by the world's most flamboyant drag queens, and then at the end they all agree that the play was good but Mitterhaus was a little too campy for them. When you're too campy for a theater full of drag queens, you are definitely too campy for a Hammer film, especially one that is otherwise so weird and serious. Not that Mitterhaus doesn't have his strong suits as a character. For one, he lives in a cool castle populated by a couple sexy naked orgy women. He has lovely taste is sashes. And the fact that he's kidnapped and lured a little girl into his sleazy lair gives the character an air of scummy, almost pedophiliac menace that really makes him a villain. You could always root for Dracula, even when he was at his worst and whipping Dr. Who with steel switches, but Mitterhaus just gives off a creepy uncle vibe. All this in and of itself is good for the movie, but Tayman's performance is just ridiculous. It's all mincing and eye rolling and silly face making. Even when he's slaughtering his would-be attackers, he's less frightening than he is...well, like a flailing dancer who got lost on his way to a John Waters film. Everything about the character is well written, but it's like having it all and then delivering it in an Easter bunny outfit.

Still, when the worst thing about your film is that your vampire is a little too campy, that's not bad. And when I say it's the worst thing about the film, one has to measure that on a relative scale. Because silly though he may be, it's hardly enough to spoil the film. In a way, I guess it makes Mitterhaus even more formidable. It's like having your ass kicked by Mick Jagger's character from Performance. You keep telling yourself, "This can't be happening! He's much to fey to kick my ass!" But that thought doesn't stop him from doing it.


Eventually, Mitterhaus gets a stake through the heart and makes a face like a disgusted Southern bell who just won second place in the county fair beauty contest. With his dying breath, or whatever it is vampires have, he curses the town, swearing that the children of his killers will die to give him life again. Once again, it's all really well done, easily one of the best vampire film intros ever, but it's hard to take seriously with Mitterhaus camping it up to a degree that even Shatner and Vincent Price would tell him to take it down a notch. But with him in the grave the film can settle down and find its groove.

And that groove, as I've already said, is a mighty quirky one. The story picks up some years later. The town has been quarantined due to an outbreak of plague, and anyone caught attempting to leave the boundaries of the town is shot by unseen soldiers, or whoever is in charge of shooting people who try to escape from plague infected European towns. But other than tat, live seems OK. The elders, most of whom were in on killing Mitterhaus, while away their days figuring out plans to get the quarantine lifted. The village doctor doesn't believe in vampires or that old queen Mitterhaus' curse. Young people are in love. The inn, believe it or not, is not owned by Michael Ripper. In fact, there are very few familiar faces in this town, and no Hammer heavies in front of or behind the camera.


To this blighted town, though no one can explain how they get there, comes the Circus of Night, a small time, fairly creepy affair that employs, among others, a scary dwarf harlequin, an accordion playing mute strongman who will eventually grow up to be Darth Vader (David Prowse),a gypsy matron, a naked bald chick who does sexy tiger dances, a couple of potentially incestuous acrobatic twins who can turn into bats, and a hot young guy who can turn into a panther. Desperate for anything to take their minds off being a quarantined plague town cursed by a campy yet ass-kicking vampire, overlook the peculiarities of the circus and settle down for some good old fashioned family fun.

And man, what a circus it is. I attended a few circuses when I was young, and I remember a guy named Gunter who put his head in a lion's mouth, and then I think a clown shot another clown with a seltzer bottle and they fired someone out of a cannon. That was cool and all, but I kind of wish I went to the circus where a tiger ran out and turned into a naked, chick painted with tiger strips, who then proceeded to do sexy dancing while being "tamed" by a guy before they finally just end up writhing around on the ground and practically doing...you know...it. And people seem to be amused by but not terribly upset by the fact that the people in this circus seem to be able to shapeshift into bats and panthers, or that a dwarf keeps grinning and running around making surprised "O mouth" faces. I guess they chalk it up to gypsy magic. Things aren't as much fun once members of the circus break out the fangs and start preying on the children, usually after corrupting them in some sexual fashion. Each kill brings Mitterhaus a step closer to resurrection.


Vampire Circus benefits from the fact that Hammer was lost at sea, allowing new(er) directors to take a chance in hopes that something, anything, would stick and keep the studio afloat just a bit longer. That coupled with the relaxing of regulations regarding nudity meant that writer Judson Kinberg, in his first of only two career screen credits, could be much more explicit about the sexuality that has always existed in Hammer's vampire fare. When first we meet Mitterhaus, he's cavorting in bed with two naked women. He's a rakehell and hedonist with a bit of the Marquis De Sade about him, and Vampire Circus gets to show more of that than they ever did in the past. He's also a child murderer and has questionable taste in chest-exposing frilly shirts. Hammer's Dracula was a combination of animal rage and desire, driven to do things not because he takes pleasure in them, but because it is his instinct, his thirst.

Mitterhaus, on the other hand, seems to take great pleasure in his lifestyle. He's less animal, more decadent. Similarly, his minions in the circus use explicit sexuality to ensnare and kill their young victims. Emil the Panther seduces the burgomaster's daughter and feeds on her during a series of sexual encounters. The incestuous acro-bats similarly seduce young men and women to take part in funky threesome action. It is not just important that they deliver fresh blood to Mitterhaus; they must also thoroughly corrupt their victims. Their master seems to draw as much power from this as he does from the fresh blood they dribble on his moldy corpse. If only he'd known that by the 1970s, all it too to bring Dracula back to life was a random bat flying into his window and dribbling some blood on his face. Heck, by the final Dracula film, you didn't even need to bring Dracula back to life. He was just there, already in action (as much as "sitting behind a desk" can be action), and Hammer seemed to be saying, "Look, at this point do you even care how Dracula got brought back to life?" By comparison, Mitterhaus has to work pretty hard at it.


Tackling sexual politics has always been tricky for Hammer, and they've always walked the "have your cake and eat it too" thin line of cramming their films with naked sex appeal and heaving bosoms while skirting censorship issues by half-assedly grafting on "but in the end, the pure ones prevailed. Hooray!" final scenes. By their own admission, this was usually to keep uppity vicars and morally outraged censors off their backs while still being able show plenty of half naked women. As a libertine, rakehell, and dandy cad about town, I always roll my eyes when movies see no other outcome but tragedy for anyone evil enough to actually enjoy sex and a spot of hedonism. Victorian horror films usually counter that by expressly showing that it's not the sexuality so much as it is the repression of sexuality that causes things to go sour. But the end result is the same. People who like sex usually die.

But ultimately, what it comes down to is that I am not inclined to worry myself about the sexual politics of Vampire Circus. These movies, like most movies, have to jump through so many hoops to satisfy so many cranky people that eventually, almost all politics, sexual or otherwise, are confused to the point of contradicting themselves, sometimes even in the same scene. I'm much happier to lie back in my reclining throne, slosh about my goblet of wine, and bark, "Send in the naked tiger dance woman!"


On the other hand, I do spend a lot of time thinking about other philosophical question as relates to entertainment. For instance, did every singer for a psychedelic 60s British band have a fling with a vicar's daughter, and are all vicar's daughters hot, blonde free spirits yearning to run naked and free through a field of barley? But then, I'm from the United States. I actually don't even know what a vicar is. What is it, like some sort of a sports car? I did once have a crush on a Methodist minister's daughter, but that doesn't roll off the tongue the way "vicar's daughter" or "son of a preacherman" does.And anyway, it turned out she wasn't a repressed girl yearning to rebel against her strict upbringing by letting me unbutton her blouse. She wanted to teach me about God, and I wanted to fondle her boobs in the choir balcony during church lock-ins. Needless to say, our relationship was as successful as my entire career as a churchgoer.

Anyway, where was I? I've gone and gotten myself all distracted now. Let's move on to the general air of weirdness that's instantly generated by setting a film in or around a traveling circus. In a way it's a cheat, like those movies that film on location on the plains of Africa or the steppes of Mongolia and then expect awards for their sweeping, epic cinematography. The land itself did all the heavy lifting; all you really needed to do was set up the camera and pan around a spell. Similarly, old time traveling circuses are inherently creepy and awkward, just as they are inciting and mysterious. They infuse anything around them with those same characteristics. Vampire Circus definitely benefits from the "old time traveling circus weirdness" vibe that seems ingrained in our very psyches. It still works on me. I'm middle aged and I still dream of going to a parking lot circus and meeting some raven-haired gypsy beauty who will tell my fortune and embroil me in supernatural brushes with death as we fight the dark fate looming on my horizon. Or barring that, I dream of sitting around with carnival strippers and Johnny Eck, drinking whiskey and swapping stories about the rubes.


When I was little, I used to go with my Grandpa Bud to horse shows during the Kentucky State Fair every year. It was a pretty sweet deal for a little kid. You got to set up a campsite in a veritable city of horse stalls, sleep in the stalls (the horses were across the aisle in other stalls), and basically have the run of the fair. And the Kentucky State Fair, at least back then (I haven't been in ages) was huge. There was a flea market back when cool stuff could be found at flea markets instead of on eBay, with all the flea markets now just selling OxyClean and ShamWows. The flea market took up two buildings the size of stadiums, and you could wander through all the weird junk and 4H dioramas for days. But best of all was that no one gave a rat's ass about security, so even as young as I was, I was allowed to wander in and out of every building, through every door, every nook and cranny. I crawled through tiny maintenance access tunnels, wandered around in boiler rooms where hissing pipes seemed to go on for miles, and best of all, was never told to shoo off the midway, even in the middle of the night.

I'd sneak out and wander around, doing my best to avoid the teenagers who were doing the same but apparently had some sort of activity the boys and girls would do together. Not sure what it was. I got to watch people setting up and breaking down rides and attractions, pal around with creepy old men running the bumper cars and moon walk, and best off all, got after-midnight rides on the various disappointing spook house type rides which, despite being disappointing, continue to this day to delight me to a disturbing degree. Somehow, I did all this without ever once being molested or murdered by someone's deformed son they kept locked in the bowels of their haunted house attraction.


At the time, I was high on a number of movies that involved similar settings. I saw Freaks at an early age, and it was right around the time Disney released Something Wicked This Way Comes. he Kentucky State Fair never had any stripper tents or freak show, but it was still pretty awesome running around in the middle of the night, with all those lights still flashing and the occasional hair trigger animatronic gorilla growling at me. Watching Vampire circus is sort of like wandering down a deserted midway int he middle of the night. There's something undeniably spooky about it, but it's also got this hallucinogenic allure. Whether born of myth or reality, circuses always have the air of something else going on, just behind the tent flap. Secret things, a whole other world to which you are not privy and only the select few can see. Ground down by daily humdrum, this world of beautiful gypsy fortune tellers and good natured strongmen, of devious managers and shifty mesmerizers, seems a much better alternative. Ignoring, of course, the backbreaking work and touring schedule, and the fact that if you join the traveling spooky circus, you may thing you are going to romance the gypsy girl or the sexy guy who turns into a panther, but mostly, you're probably just going to be cleaning up chimp shit and taking care of Dracula's corpse, which is in a poorly made display case.

But that doesn't matter, does it? Carnivals, traveling circuses, gypsies -- these things are awesome, pure and simple. And they infuse Vampire Circus with an atmosphere that is unique among Hammer horror films. In this strange world -- almost, but not quite like our own -- everyday items take on a sinister second nature. Most Hammer films aren't scary these days, even f they are still quite good. But a film like Vampire Circus, while not exactly scary, manages still to be very...unsettling, perhaps. This works on a meta level as well. This is a Hammer film. Parts of it are very Hammer-esque. But it's also not quite the same. The location shooting makes it different, for one, and the cinematography is off-kilter. There are no familiar faces. Certainly no Peter Cushing or venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee, but also no Michael Rippers, not even Ralph Bates. I was hard pressed to pick out any recognizable faces other than Anthony Higgins and Thorley Walters, and no one really gets all excited when, "That new Anthony Higgins film opens this week." Not that this a cast of newbies, or that the cast lacks talent. Quite the contrary. Many of the faces are familiar from other movies, other television shows (Lalla Ward undoubtedly being the most recognizable thanks to her role as Romana in Doctor Who), but none of them are really familiar as Hammer stalwarts. It's like walking into work one day and seeing that everyone has been replaced by someone else who does the same job, does it well, and is likable. You get along with them, even enjoy their company, and you certainly respect their work; you just can't help glancing nervously around from time to time and wondering where the hell Michael Ripper went.


Thing is, I don't think this movie would have worked as well if there had been familiar faces in it. After all, Hammer was ostensibly trying to break from the past, and nothing would signify that attempt quite as much as keeping the old guard off camera. If I see Peter Cushing, I know I'm in familiar territory, and I relax and enjoy the ride. But with a cast I don't know, I have no idea what to expect. Who's going to live, who's going to die? Beats me. I just have to sit on the edge of the seat and watch the movie. Keeping the big guns off screen also means that B-teamers and background players get a chance to step forward and strut their stuff, proving why so many Hammer films are so good. Even the people who don't have any lines are good actors. The lack of familiar faces onto which we can latch means that the characters get caught up in the bizarre events surrounding them far more easily. If it was Cushing out there, we'd expect him to say, "My God, man, it can't be! Mitterhaus is dead!" Then he would competently go about exterminating the vampires and saving us all. But Cushing isn't there to protect us, and that uncertainty is palpable.

Of the cast that is present, most are forgettably competent, which is kind of how they need to be for the film to succeed. The film continues Hammer's trend of featuring young protagonists in hopes that would lure kids into the theater. This really started in Taste the Blood of Dracula and Scars of Dracula, and culminated in the groovy hep kids in Dracula AD 1972, though they still needed Peter Cushing to show up, research some books, and make a grim face of determination as he engaged Dracula in their latest final showdown. In Vampire Circus, bot the heroes and the villains skew young. Some adults are on hand, of course, though their primary function is to prove too weak to stand up to these freaky young vampires. Our nominal heroes Dora (Lynne Frederick, who went on to star alongside Peter Sellers in The Prisoner of Zenda) and Anton (John Moulder-Brown, who looks like some of the Pauls from Hammer's last few Dracula films) don't make much of an impression, but they are serviceable enough when surrounded by so much oddness.

This anonymity applies to the crew as well. There's no Anthony Hinds here, no John Gilling or Terence Fisher. Instead we have first-time director Robert Young and first-time (almost only time) writer Judson Kinberg. Bringing in some fresh blood helped Hammer shake the formula up while still allowing it to remain recognizable. Vampire Circus feels much more like a continental horror film, like the dreamy, often illogical horror films of Italy or France where ambiance and imagery is more important than logical procession and and solid plot. This was pretty new territory for Hammer. Hammer horror may have relied on the fantastic, but it often presented it in as scientific and logical a fashion as possible for a horror film. Although Vampire Circus still follows a logical narrative -- things still make sense -- where as French and Italian horror films would not, it still boasts a very dreamy, supernatural state of being. That said, it also differs significantly from continental horror films in that there is a lot more action -- plenty of vampire attacks and wanton point blank assassination of circus animals by drunken villagers. It may be dreamy, but it's rarely ponderous.


Apparently, Young was given more or less free reign by Michael Carreras to do what he wanted, and Young wanted to make the film unusual. He certainly did that, and even though he ran out of time and had to edit around missing scenes he'd not had time to shoot, the film was ultimately one of Hammer's most innovative. Unfortunately, it wasn't one of their most successful. Critics and fans alike seemed confused. After years of complaining that Hammer product was stale and old fashioned, they seemed upset that Vampire Circus wasn't stale and old fashioned. Sometimes you just can't catch a break, can you? Young went on to work steadily in film and television, and in 1997 directed the all time classic...ummm...Blood Monkey. And no, that isn't one of my frequent typos. The movie is not Blood Money, but Blood Monkey. F. Murray Abraham was in it, so you know it was classy.

It's a shame that, as of this writing, Vampire Circus remains missing in action in the United States. In fact, I believe it's missing in action in England as well. It's really one of Hammer's most impressive, quirkiest efforts. I'm afraid that I've gotten lost and dreamy in my review of the movie as well, and at this point I'm making no sense and ought to just wrap it up by saying that regardless of how bad things were for Hammer in the 70s, the movies that came out of it were usually very good and very interesting. I don't know that Vampire circus had the franchise potential Captain Kronos had, but I could have seen a series of films tracing the horrors that follow around a sinister circus of shape-shifting bloodsuckers. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way, and Vampire Circus ended up being a one-time deal. It's a really good one-time deal, though, so if you get the chance to check it out, do it. It's a much better way to have ended Hammer's vampire film cycle than was Satanic Rites of Dracula.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion

Release Year: 1972
Country: Japan
Starring: Meiko Kaji, Rie Yokoyama, Isao Natsuyagi, Fumio Watanabe, Yayoi Watanabe, Yoko Mihara, Akemi Negishi, Hideo Murota, Emi Jo, Chie Koboyashi, Yumiko Katayama
Writers: Fumio Konami, Hiro Matsuda, Tooru Shinohara
Director: Shunya Ito
Cinematography: Hanjiro Nakazawa
Music: Shunsuke Kikuchi
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


You might think that the women-in-prison genre is so rigid in its conventions that it wouldn't allow room for much experimentation, but leave it to the Japanese to prove that assumption wrong. The first three films in the Female Prisoner Scorpion series, all of which were directed by Shunya Ito, stand out for me as the pinnacle of artistically-rendered 1970s Japanese exploitation. Each film is stuffed full of surrealist imagery, imaginative compositions and breathtaking visual lyricism. Of course, being that they are women-in-prison films, they are also stuffed full of shower scenes, lesbianism and graphic violence. But, unlike the previously discussed Norifumi Suzuki, who was content to just let the sleazier elements of his movies sit uneasily alongside his occasional moments of cinematic inspiration, Ito somehow managed to make all of those elements blend together into a more or less cohesive whole.

Though the first Female Prisoner Scorpion (or Joshuu Sasori) film, Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion, was Ito's debut as a director, he had already served an apprenticeship in trangressive genre filmmaking as a frequent assistant director to Teruo Ishii during his early years at Toei Studio. Ishii, who directed the popular Abashiri Prison films, is probably best known outside of Japan for controversial mindbenders such as Horrors of Malformed Men and the Joy of Torture series, as well as for the Super Giant serials that were repackaged for US television as the Starman films (and which were, despite being aimed squarely at the kids, some of the most disconcertingly dark examples of Japanese superheroism committed to film). It's hard not to assume that some of Ishii's hallucinatory sense of invention rubbed off on Ito, especially given the aversion to the ordinary that's apparent in his filmmaking style.




The source material for the Scorpion films was the popular manga series Sasori, which was created by artist Tooru Shinohara and began its run in Japan's monthly Big Comics magazine in 1970. This inspiration explains a lot of Ito's more striking visual constructions, which were clearly an attempt to emulate the violent expressiveness of manga's graphic style. While he was successful in this regard, Ito would have a tougher time preserving Shinohara's conception of his heroine in translating her to the screen. As presented in the manga, Sasori was a foul-mouthed street brawler, an earthy characterization that lead to some objections on the part of the star who was assigned to play her -- a star who clearly had very definite ideas about how she did and did not want to be represented on screen.

That star, of course, was Meiko Kaji, who has gone on to achieve cult icon status worldwide due to her role in Toho's Lady Snowblood films, as well as for her turn as Scorpion. Kaji had recently come over to Toei from Nikkatsu, fleeing her former studio when it made the turn from action movies to the almost exclusive production of kinky soft-core films. Before that time, she had attained stardom with her lead role in Nikkatsu's Stray Cat Rock series of films, which were somewhat milder early forays into the Pinky Violence genre. Now being groomed as an action star at Toei, Kaji was likely a natural choice for the role of Sasori. However, the actress didn't take kindly to the comic character's expletive-spouting demeanor, which resulted in Ito taking Sasori's screen incarnation in a markedly different direction.




As resonant as it is, Shunya Ito's style is anything but subtle, and the director wasn't averse to presenting his characters as boldly drawn archetypes. As such, Sasori was reimagined as something far more elemental than in her manga depiction, as a wraith-like embodiment of feminine rage. The Scorpion films are essentially Pinky Violence movies, after all, and are even more explicit and mantra-like than other films in that genre in presenting the state of balance between the sexes as being a literal war, with men as an oppressive force representing all of society's ills. As the series' theme song -- a mournful enka ballad sung by Kaji herself -- makes abundantly clear, all that women can expect from these men is betrayal -- or, as Kaji's character says at one point, "To be deceived is a woman's crime".

Female Prisoner #701 even goes on to extend culpability for that betrayal to the nation itself. Ironically framed images of the Japanese flag abound. And, early in the film, when Matsu -- aka Scorpion -- loses her virginity to the man who will ultimately sell her out, we're shown a red spot of blood on a white sheet that spreads in mimicry of the flag's design. (I've got to say that, in their desperate attempts to lure audience members of both sexes with seemingly very opposite types of catharsis, the makers of Pinky Violence movies really came up with a unique combination, seemingly drawing in part from the Hollywood "Women's Pictures" of the forties: Think Mildred Pierce with lots of tits and gore.)




So clearly Matsu has a lot to be angry about. And, indeed, her rage goes so deep that it seems to render her almost superhuman, burning within her like an empowering nuclear core. She is capable of dying, you imagine, but is just too pissed off to ever let it happen. Given that this is the character's one essential trait, Kaji's portrayal of her basically boils down to one facial expression. Which is not meant in the least as a criticism of Kaji's performance -- because, you see, it's a really good facial expression. In fact, during those moments in Female Prisoner #701 when Kaji is not making that expression, the audience is left in a tense holding pattern, waiting for that expression to make its appearance. Because, when it does, it means that some deserving soul is about to do some serious suffering.

While not conventional on its own merits, Female Prisoner #701 is definitely the most conventional of the three Scorpion films that Ito directed. This is partly because it's saddled with the responsibility of telling its protagonist's back-story, a seeming necessity that, once you've seen the other films, doesn't end up seeming all that necessary at all. As portrayed by Kaji, Matsu is such a force of nature that it doesn't really matter why she became who she is. She just is. Still, that this element is included in Female Prisoner #701 certainly doesn't take away from the film. And being that it shows our heroine's transformation from a naive and vulnerable young woman into the dagger-eyed vengeance engine that she becomes, it affords Kaji the opportunity to show a bit more range, as well as say a few more scattered lines of dialog than she does in the subsequent films, in which she's practically mute.


Providing Matsu with a story of how she came to be in prison -- one that, while not presenting her as innocent, clearly shows her as a victim, and hence worthy of audience sympathy -- is also one of the aspects that makes Female Prisoner #701 hew more closely than the other films to the conventions of the typical WIP film. Another is that it is the only of the original Scorpion films whose action -- beyond flashbacks -- takes place almost entirely within the prison's walls. The two succeeding films would increasingly stretch their creative and locational legs, gradually doing away with their dependence on the prison setting as they set out to explore more and more bizarre thematic territory (culminating in Ito's farewell to the series, the sublime, hauntingly beautiful Female Prisoner Scorpion: Beast Stable, which tops the previous two both in terms of depravity and genuine emotional impact).

Female Prisoner #701 begins with an escape attempt by Matsu and her partner Yuki (Yayoi Watanabe), which is foiled when Yuki is injured and Matsu refuses to leave her side. (Matsu's relationship to Yuki is never spelled out, but the younger prisoner is the only other character in the movie toward whom Matsu shows any amount of tenderness or concern.) It's clear that this escape is not the first act of defiance on Matsu's part, and it further strengthens the resolve of the dictatorial warden (Fumio Watanabe) to break her will once and for all -- a project he pursues variably on his own or by proxy through the efforts of his cretinous guards and the cackling group of hags who have been granted trustee privileges by him. Resolve is something that Matsu is no stranger to, of course, and she matches the warden's every attempt at suppression, not only with increasing deployments of THE LOOK, but also with increasingly creative acts of payback against his minions. It's a cycle of perpetually regenerating enmity between Matsu and the warden that we will see continue into the next film in the series, Female Prisoner Scorpion: Jailhouse 41.




In the aftermath of the scuttled breakout, as Matsu lies hog-tied in a dungeon-like solitary cell, we're given a dream-like flashback of the events that lead to her ending up in the nick. It seems that on the outside Matsu fell hard for a narcotics cop named Sugimi (Isao Natsuyagi) -- so hard, in fact, that when Sugimi asked her to take part in an undercover sting operation he was involved in, she readily agreed. It is only after we've seen Matsu's cover blown, and her viciously raped by the members of the gang she's infiltrated, that we find that Sugimi is actually working in league with a rival Yakuza gang, and is about as crooked as they come. His true nature revealed, the evilly chuckling Sugimi callously tosses a few crumpled bills in the ravaged girl's direction and summarily casts her aside. As might be expected, this occasions the first appearance of THE LOOK, and, not soon thereafter, Matsu is accosting Sugimi in a freaky, topless, street corner knife attack. This attack, sadly, is nowhere near as effective as it is picturesque, and soon our scorned heroine is in custody.

Now I realize that the above related plot details are women's prison picture rote to the point of being generic. But you have to keep in mind that, as they are playing out, director Ito deploys all the tools available in his visual arsenal to keep the viewer as disoriented as possible. The camera pivots restlessly so that you can never know, when a person enters a room, whether he or she will appear to be walking on the wall, the ceiling, or the floor. Self-conscious use of live theater-style movable sets is made to shift background locations as the foreground action remains the same. Bold comic book-style visual signifiers are used to express intense emotion, as when Matsu's hair arranges itself into the shape of flames as she lies atop a red back-lit glass floor. There's a haunting, horror movie feel to many of these visuals, made most explicit in a scene where a fellow inmate who is attacking Matsu transforms into a leering kabuki demon -- at which point the lighting abruptly switches from naturalistic to that patented Mario Bava green, and the remainder of the scene plays out as a surreal, slow motion nightmare. All of this serves to underscore the fact that the ritualistic predictability of the movie's plot is not beside the point, but rather the point itself, since Ito is far more interested in presenting archetypal conflicts than he is in exploring the peculiarities of character, or presenting us with novel situations.




The aforementioned kabuki demon attack has the unfortunate side effect for the warden of him ending up with a shard of glass embedded in his eye socket, an injury which understandably further stokes his desire to crush Matsu's spirit. (I won't get all Women's Studies and touch upon the whole "male gaze" thing here, but the wound is definitely significant, foreshadowed as it is by a shot earlier in the film in which the image of Matsu is framed within the watching eye of one of the guards.) This leads to him really turning the screws, subjecting not just Matsu to all kinds of humiliations and forced labor, but the other prisoners, as well, in the hope that they will turn against Matsu as a result. Meanwhile, Sugimi and his boss begin to worry that Matsu will tell the authorities what she knows about Sugimi's crooked dealings, and decide to have her eliminated. Of course, what Sugimi doesn't realize is that Matsu's overwhelming desire to carve him up like a Christmas turkey is pretty much the only thing that is keeping her going, and she would lose all hope of making that dream a reality if he were to be locked safely away in prison. On the contrary, the corrupt cop is so deluded by arrogance and self-regard that he entertains the notion that Matsu still has feelings for him. And so, just to be on the safe side, he recruits Katagiri (Rie Yokoyama), a sociopathic fellow inmate of Matsu's, to do his dirty work.

Eventually the warden's quest to get under the scorpion's shell leads him to send a young female guard into Matsu's cell posing as an inmate. The hyper-vigilant Matsu is quickly clued in by her new roommate's inquisitiveness, however, and, being a true Pinky Violence heroine, proves that she is not above using her body to turn the tables. Apparently those bottomless reserves of white hot rage of hers provide Matsu not only with the power to endure all manner of physical hardships, but superhuman lovemaking skills as well. Because, after only a few moments of Matsu's ministrations, the guard, Kitoh, is reduced to being little more than a pleading love slave. Later, when the warden relieves the young rookie of her spying duties, she has a melt-down that is one of the film's most hilariously over-the-top moments, hysterically begging her superiors to send her back into the cell with Matsu to continue her mission. As depicted by Ito, Matsu's seduction of Kitoh provides an example of another distinction between the director and his aforementioned fellow in artsy grindhouse excess, Norifumi Suzuki. While Suzuki wasn't shy about piling on scenes of nudity and soft-core sex, he frequently neglected to make those scenes the least bit erotic, perhaps because he was more preoccupied with being shocking than arousing. (Some moments in Convent of the Holy Beast are exceptions to this... Either that, or I just have a thing for nuns.) Shunya, on the other hand, shows here that he is capable of delivering an erotic scene that packs some serious heat.




By the way, the actress playing Kitoh is Yumiko Katayama, who might be recognizable to those of you who grew up with Johnny Socko and his Flying Robot as the lone female member of that Tokusatsu series' heroic Unicorn organization. Not too long after that, Katayama changed her focus a bit by becoming the Pinky Violence genre's go-to girl for extensive nudity. I'd like to think that this change in direction was the result of generosity, rather than desperation, on her part. But, whatever the case, I have to say that it escapes me as to why she never made it beyond playing supporting roles in these films, because she is not only striking, but possessed of an intense presence, and has delivered solid and memorable performances in every film I've seen her in -- the final Delinquent Girl Boss film, in particular.

Female Prisoner #701, beneath it's hallucinatory exterior, pretty much follows the narrative rules of the prison picture through to its conclusion, which means that the warden's draconian policies ultimately lead to a prison revolt -- though one played out on a wildly expressionistic set complete with a painted backdrop of a sky consumed by a blazing red vortex. The prisoners take several guards -- who are subsequently gang raped -- hostage and hold up in one of the prison's supply warehouses, where the hired killer Katagiri sets about trying to turn her keyed-up fellow inmates against Matsu. This leads to Matsu being hung in chains from the rafters and mercilessly beaten, a predicament which she endures with predictably Christ-like stoicism. Finally, a raid by the guards and a fire in the warehouse provide the cover Matsu needs to escape, in turn giving her the opportunity to hit the streets of Tokyo and prove the deservedness of her nickname. It is in these final scenes where Meiko Kaji really puts the weight of action behind THE LOOK, methodically dealing out retribution to Sugimi and his gang like a silent angel of vengeance -- albeit a particularly pimped-out angel of vengeance in a wide-brimmed hat and dramatic ankle-length coat.




Female Prisoner #701 is a thrilling piece of exploitation cinema, as well as a challenging work of visual artistry. But, as great as it is, it merely set the stage for what was to come. With its follow-up film, Female Prisoner Scorpion: Jailhouse 41, director Ito would give much freer reign to his experimental tendencies, and the result would haunt and intoxicate in equal measure.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Dracula A.D. 1972

Release Year: 1972
Country: England
Starring: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Stephanie Beacham, Christopher Neame, Caroline Munro, Marhsa Hunt, Michael Coles.
Writer: Don Houghton
Director: Alan Gibson
Cinematographer: Dick Bush
Music: Michael Vickers
Producer: Josephine Douglas
Availability: Buy it from Amazon

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And so we enter the dire straights of Hammer Films in the final throes of a long, drawn-out death much like those experienced by Dracula himself. As has been detailed elsewhere and will be summarized here, by the 1970s, England's Hammer Studios -- the studio that pretty much defined and dominated the horror market through the 50s and 60s -- had fallen on hard times. The old guard had largely retired or died, and the new blood was flailing about, desperately trying to find the direction that would right the once mighty production house. The problem was that everyone felt like they needed to update their image, but no one actually knew how. In retrospect, though they may have seemed painfully antiquated at the time of their release, many of Hammer's releases during the 70s were quite good and often experimental (by Hammer standards, anyway). This movie isn't really one of them, but it's still pretty enjoyable in a completely ludicrous way.

Unfortunately, even Hammer's good films in the 1970s simply weren't in step with contemporary trends in horror films. No one wanted to see a gothic horror anymore, not in this new era of slasher movies and stuff where devil worshipers listlessly chant about Satan and then hassle Warren Oates and Hot Lips Houlihan.


Hammer tried to launch several new properties that were variations on their old themes, and several of these showed considerable promise. Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter was a spectacular horror-adventure film that mixed classic Hammer atmosphere with a more playful, swashbuckling tone. Although Twins of Evil is best remembered for the prominent assets of its two Playboy Playmate co-stars, underneath the cheesecake nudity is another very good film. And Vampire Circus was one of Hammer's most experimental vampire films, integrating a hallucinogenic, dreamlike state into Hammer's formerly all-business approach. But these films either didn't perform well at the box office, or studio executives didn't have any faith in them. In the end, Hammer decided to return to the same-old, same-old, and audiences got new Dracula, Frankenstein, and mummy movies.

With each of these, Hammer tried something different. The mummy movie, 1971's Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, was adapted from a Bram Stoker novel and deals with a mummy's curse but contains no actual mummies. 1974's Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell was roundly lambasted for its ridiculous monster make-up (a hairy caveman design featuring a face mask where the lips don't move when the actor talks), but if one can get past that, it's an exceptionally well thought-out final entry for the series, completing Baron Frankenstein's journey from slightly cold man of science on the verge of a miraculous breakthrough to completely disconnected butcher engaged in pointless, crude retreads of his old experiments.

And then there was Dracula. Hammer's Dracula series started out with a promising entry, 1970's Taste the Blood of Dracula. The original idea behind that movie had been to, as with Brides of Dracula so many years before, make movie in which Dracula is an ever-present force and invoked name but not an actual on-screen character. Distributors balked at the idea of a Dracula-free Dracula movie, especially when there was no name star onto which they could hook their wagon as an alternate. Brides may not have featured Christopher Lee as Dracula, but at least it had Peter Cushing reprising his role as Van Helsing. Taste the Blood, on the other hand, revolves around young Ralph Bates, an actor Hammer had hopes of turning into their next big thing, though it never really happened. And so Hammer somehow convinced Christopher Lee to sign on yet again for one absolutely final appearance as the count. The result is a great entry in the Dracula series, and sensing that there was still some gas left in the tank, Hammer decided to give it another go. Scars of Dracula is a pretty bad movie, a major step backward after a good movie, showcasing Hammer filmmaking at its most profit driven, but it also stands out as the only film where Dracula is a major character, with lots of screentime and lines. It was enough to do the trick at the box office, and so to the well once again -- but this time, Dracula was gonna get funky!


In 1970, American International Pictures -- a studio that built a franchise of horror films based loosely on the writing of Edgar Allen Poe by copying Hammer's gothic horror films -- released a movie called Count Yorga, Vampire. It was an attempt by AIP to transfer the feel of their gothic Poe films into a modern setting, and a vampire -- given its longevity provided it can stay away from Peter Cushing -- was the perfect creature for the experiment. You could still deck his pad out in all sorts of frilly Victorian hoo ha, but you had a reasonable explanation for why he was still hanging around in 1970, listening to his old Edison Cylindrical Phonograph device and complaining about how modern music was crappy and modern fashion was ridiculous. Count Yorga also had the good sense to turn poke subtle fun at the idea of this out-of-touch Victorian style character dropped wholesale and unchanged into what was then modern time, as if the intervening hundred years or so hadn't caused the vampire to change in the slightest. But what do I know. I'm writing this review win 2007, and I'm listening to the same music I listened to in 1987. What's another eighty years?

Yorga, no doubt with some help from Hammer's early 70s vampire output, sparked a bit of a vampire revival that really came to a boil in 1972. Marvel Comics released their outlandishly ridiculous but imminently enjoyable Tomb of Dracula comic book, in which modern-day descendants of Van Helsing, Jonathan Harker, and Dracula himself team up to battle a revived Count who would explain his entire life history every time he got a word bubble to himself. Only Doctor Strange showcased the potential to ramble on and spew as much purple prose. The comic book was a whirlwind of bell bottoms, tweed blazers, and jumpers, not to mention vampire hunter Blade's bizarre combo of lab goggles, a raincoat, and some swashbuckler boots. When they updated him for the movies, it's a shame they didn't keep the original outfit and afro. And if Dracula's flowery long-windedness, punctuated as it often was by the phrase, "Foolish humans!" and "I, Dracula..." was a little much to swallow, wait until you get a load of Blade running around calling the count a jive turkey and "baby."


In the same year, AIP released Blacula, a blaxploitation twist on the Count Yorga theme which, despite the jokey title, turned out to be a remarkably good and thoughtful film that managed to deliver vampire thrills and make comments on race relations, ghettos, and drug abuse without it coming across as overly heavy-handed. Plus the character of Mamuwalde (Blacula, to you) was an exceptionally complex villain/hero inhabited by a great actor in William Marshall. Once again, a movie got to play with the idea of a Victorian era character revived in the modern era -- with plenty of light jokes about fashion. Lucky for the vampires, the early 70s were such a jumbled mish-mash of outrageous fashion trends that even a guy running around in a vest and opera cape didn't really stand out, though he could often be mistaken for a pimp.

In a classic example of "student becomes the master" flip-flopping, Hammer looked to AIP for inspiration and released their own "vampire in modern times" movie in 1972. The idea was hatched that Hammer, too, should make a modern day vampire tale, one that would easily lend itself to integrating modern settings with classic the Hammer gothic trappings. And since Hammer already had Count Dracula hanging around in the shadows, he was the most obvious choice. Of course, there remained one problem: Christopher Lee was absolutely, positively, entirely unwilling to do another Dracula movie for Hammer, not when he was having so much fun making high quality films for Jess Franco, like Eugenie... the Story of Her Journey Into Perversion, all those Fu Manchu films, and...oh hey! What do you know! Jess Franco's Dracula.

I doubt anyone at Hammer was actually worried that they wouldn't be able to get Lee to reprise his role as Dracula. After all, he announced after every single Dracula movie that they were awful and he'd never make another one in a million years. And then a few years later, there he is again, donning the cape and red contact lenses for another go round which, upon completion of principal photography, he would run to the press and complain about, announcing that he would never do another shitty Dracula film again. Blah, blah, blah, Chris. And you know what? He still complains about it. Dude, no one thinks you're Dracula anymore. The only people who bring it up are a few cult movie fans and you. Everyone else thinks your Saruman or whatever the hell your name was in those awful Star Wars films. I've theorized in past reviews of Hammer Dracula films and Lee's whining that the entire thing was a ruse devised by Hammer and Lee to drum up controversy and business. After all, if your star is out there bad-mouthing his own film and saying stuff like, "Well, the last one may have been gory and tasteless, but this one is so much worse that I can't stand it!" is going to do wonders for getting folks interested in seeing the movie.


The other option is that Christopher Lee is just pompous and annoying. And I say that as a guy who enjoys Christopher Lee's work. But while I may love many of the films in which he's been in, there's no denying that his filmography has considerably more "worst film ever made" candidates and parts in it than anyone short of Michael Caine. But, like Caine, Lee gets the British Actor's Golden Pass -- that coveted ticket that allows a British actor to emerge unscathed from a career of mostly utter garbage and still have people think they are incredible. I mean, Tom Cruise has one flop, and his career is pronounced over. But Michael Caine? He gets to be in Jaws IV, Blame it on Rio, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, and The Swarm, and he comes through like he's coated in Teflon. Similarly, while Christopher Lee was busy bitching about the lack of class in his Dracula movies, he found time to make The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism, The Castle of Fu Manchu, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, To the Devil...A Daughter, and Chuck Norris' An Eye for an Eye, yet he remains one of the most revered actors of our time. Not even Vincent Price, who was far more talented and made just as many great films (and just as many crummy ones) commands the respect that Lee gets.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it. What I'm saying is, Chris -- shut the hell up about Dracula. You made a lot of really awful films to go with your good ones, so quit picking on Dracula, the character that made your career. You should be more like Michael Caine. He shows up, does his job, and then moves on without running to the press to bitch about the last job he had or how everyone only things of Carter or Harry Palmer or ol' Peachy or whoever Michael Caine is typecast as. I think he's actually typecast as Michael Caine. All of Christopher Lee's complaining, still going on to this day, coupled with the fact that no matter what he said, he always went back and did another Dracula film, means that, if this wasn't a clever marketing ploy by Hammer and Lee, then Lee is just sort of a...you know. If I ever meet him, I'm going to call him Dracula non-stop.

Great. You know, among my goals when I started Teleport City, I never counted "talk shit about Christopher Lee" to be among them.


So whatever the case, after swearing he'd never do another one, Christopher Lee was never the less coaxed back into the series, perhaps because of the promise that, for the first time since 1958's Horror of Dracula, he and Cushing would be teamed up as Dracula and Van Helsing. Also, I'm sure they threw some money at him, and a couple rare editions of Shakespeare books or whatever the hell Christopher Lee likes more than making Dracula movies.

There are, of course, sundry other problems facing Dracula A.D. 1972, but we shall address each of those as we come to them in the course or this article.

The pre-credit opening sees us joining the finale of a film that was never made, but looks like it was pretty good. Dracula (Lee) and Van Helsing (Cushing) are locked in mortal combat atop a carriage that is careening out of control across London's Hyde Park. Remember that Cushing and Lee hadn't been paired together as Van Helsing and Dracula since the very first film back in the late 1950s, so seeing them together again should have been a big deal, at least bigger than a pre-credit sequence that feels like, "We now join our regularly scheduled vampire fight already in progress." But we'll let that slide, because it really is a fantastic opening, and one that can fool you into thinking Hammer's Dracula is back with a vengeance. After both Dracula and Van Helsing keep over dead, a mysterious third man rides up and scoops some of Dracula's ashes into a little glass vial and takes Drac's signet ring. Then, at Van Helsing's funeral, the guy dumps some of Dracula's ashes into a little hole in some far-off corner of the graveyard, and plunges the stake that killed Dracula into the ground. The combination of seeing Van Helsing and Dracula together again after so many years and the high-energy action of the scene is really fun, and like I said, perhaps they should have just made this movie instead. Given that Taste the Blood of Dracula sees the Count transported for the first time to London, a movie in which Van Helsing and the ace bloodsucker tangle with one another one last time on Hammer's home turf would have been a movie to get excited about.

And I guess technically, that is what Dracula A.D. 1972 is, in a weird, convoluted way. After Van Helsing dispatches Dracula and keels over dead himself, we get the funky Dracula A.D. 1972 theme song by Michael Vickers. And here is where Hammer lost a good many of the remaining traditionalists that were hobbling on their walkers out to the theaters, no doubt trailing their colostomy bags behind them, to see Hammer productions. Up until this point, every Hammer Dracula theme song had been written by James Bernard, the man who defined the Hammer score the same way Hammer itself defined the gothic horror film. Bernard's scores were bombastic and powerful, with the conductor explaining that in every song you could hear the syllables of the movie's title (and it's true). But with Dracula A.D. 1972, Hammer was trying to create an amalgamation of their past glory with something new. With Lee and Cushing serving as the links to the past, Bernard's theme writing services were not tapped. Instead, Michael Vickers turns in an attempt to blend classic Hammer horror music with a more modern film theme sound, something more along the lines of Lalo Schifren or Roy Budd. The dramatic shift from the thoroughly old-fashioned Hammer opening to this theme song full of horns and wah-wah guitars jarred many people, though they are lucky I didn't make the movie because I would have accompanied this completely bad-ass theme song with shots of Christopher Lee -- wearing a black flared-leg suit and platform shoes (and his cape, of course) high steppin' down the street with a magic cane, using it to turn fat women thin and bring dead people back to life in front of grieving relatives. That's right, people. You should be thankful Hammer's movie is what it is, because if I had my way, it would have been...well, it would have been Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son-in-Law, but with Dracula. Which just makes me think that we really should have had a movie where Dracula is revived, hisses out his token line, "Who dares disturb the sanctity of Dracula?" only to have Rudy Ray Moore step in with a Thompson machine gun and say, "Dolemite, mother fucker!"


After our funky theme song, the action jumps a hundred years to the groovy, mod setting of London in the swingin' sixties. Except, you know, it's 1972 and all. A bunch of groovy young mop tops are skulking about London, holding "freak outs" and the most tame "horribly out of control" parties I've ever seen -- and I've been to some really tame parties. Leading this merry band of pranksters is one Johnny Alucard, trotting out the Alucard "puzzle" for the millionth time. We get it! Who, by this time, doesn't get the Alucard thing? Imagine if Frankenstein had tried that instead of just cleverly calling himself Dr. Frank or Dr. Stein whilst incognito. Actually, I guess Nietsneknarf isn't any worse than many actual German words.

Johnny happens to be the owner of Dracula's ring and some of his ashes, passed on we assume from his nefarious ancestor from the beginning of the film. And one of his friends happens to be the grand-daughter of the latest Dr. Van Helsing. And if you think they're all going to end up in an abandoned churchyard summoning up Dracula, then you don't really earn yourself a prize. Actually, Johnny Alucard is less a reincarnation of Dracula than he is a cheap knock-off of Malcom McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. In fact, many of the sets and situations in this movie feel cribbed from Kubrick's film, which is only fitting, I suppose, considering the outfits Malcom McDowell wore in A Clockwork Orange.

So OK, now my movie has a jive walkin' Christopher Lee as Dracula (with a magic cane, remember...and a big floppy pimp hat) battling Dolemite and trying to possess Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Seriously, why does no one ever give me development deals? How does Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave get funding, but my Dracula/Dolemite/Malcom McDowell movie languishes in limbo, alongside my ideas for Cobra-Shark vs. Croco-lion and Great White Squid, a movie about Wings Hauser fighting a genetically engineered giant squid that has great white sharks for tentacles.

Somewhere, my friends who bother to read this site are going, "Oh God, is he on about the Croco-Lion thing again?"

Johnny (Christopher Neame) convinces the gang that what would really be fun would be to hold a black mass. Having nothing better to do, the gang agrees, in some cases reluctantly so. It is at this point we learn that one of the groovy gang is Jessica Van Helsing (Stephanie Beacham), great grand-daughter of Lawrence Van Helsing, slayer of Dracula, and current grand-daughter of Professor Van Helsing -- played by Peter Cushing, because in movies no one thinks it's weird when you look 100% identical to one of your distant relatives. Genetics tells me that I should look less and less like my relatives the further removed from them I get, but in movies, people are always the spitting image of some great grandfather or third aunt or whatever, and no one ever thinks that is weird. Hell, the mummy built his entire career of resurrections on randomly stumbling across women who looked exactly like their ancestor from thousand of years ago.

No surprises here when Johnny summons up Dracula during their black mass ritual -- which takes place in a desanctified church that happens to be the same place Lawrence Van Helsing and Dracula were buried. You'd think that, given that the current Professor Van Helsing has a portrait of his grandfather in his study, collected all the man's books, and remains himself an expert on the occult, that he would know where his idol and close relative was buried. But whatever. All that's important is Dracula is back and he's going to...well, he's going to hang around the church and send Johnny out to kidnap Jessica Van Helsing, because Dracula knows how to hold a grudge. Meanwhile, as members of the gang disappear -- including the lovely Caroline Munro (Captain Kronos, Starcrash) and the equally lovely Marsha Hunt (you may recall her hairy werewolf boobs from Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, also starring Dracula) -- the police become increasingly convinced by Van Helsing's tendency to blame the murders on a vampire.

There are a few things people tend to harp on when criticizing this film. The first, most obvious, and dumbest argument is that the film is dated. I think I may have said before that "it looks dated" is one of my most hated complaints about any movie. It's cheap, ignorant, and shallow, and it has no merit as an observation. That a film is a reflection of the time in which it was made hardly strikes me as anything inherently negative, and I utterly detest whenever someone trots out that hoary old cliche and expects us to have any respect for their opinion. Oh, so Dracula AD 1972 contains slang and crazy fashion. Big deal. I look at those things as assets more than as detriments. So if your complaint is that the movie is dated looking, well we may still be friends, but I'm certainly going to regard your opinion on any film from here on out with a tremendous degree of suspicion.

The second most common complaint is that Dracula is hardly in the movie at all, and when he is, he does nothing. I can understand this complaint a little bit more, but honestly, if at this point in the series, you are mad that Dracula isn't on screen and doesn't do very much when he is, then you haven't watched any of the previous films in the series, except perhaps Scars of Dracula, which is the only film where he has anything approaching substantial screentime or more than two lines. Not to say that it isn't disappointing. One can't help but want scenes of Dracula cutting lose in modern London, even if those scenes don't involve him dancing down the street with a magic cane or fighting machine0gun toting kungfu pimps. Still, it would have been nice if he did a little something more than stand around in the desanctified church. Dracula's confinement to the church is representative of Hammer's difficulty with updating their image. They want to figure out a way to enter the modern era, but in the end, they imprison their title character in a Victorian set and don't ever figure out exactly how to bring him out.


Previous Dacula films have always relied on the rest of the cast, with Dracula looming in the background as everyone's motivating factor. Unfortunately for Dracula AD 1972, it's a pretty weak supporting cast, comprised primarily of inexperienced young actors who aren't bad but don't really contribute much that is memorable. They spend most of their time either sitting around being bored, or sitting around talking about how they are concerned, then most of them head off to a party and are never heard from again. Stephanie Beacham as Jessica Van Helsing obviously has a more substantial role, but only if you consider substantial to be screaming, then being put into a trance. As the menacing Johnny Alucard, Christopher Neame is all right -- equal parts spooky and pathetic -- but he's basically playing Malcom McDowell, as I said. Dracula AD 1972 is more or less a remake of Taste the Blood of Dracula, complete with the bored circle dabbling in the black arts, the mysterious outsider spurring them on and summoning Dracula, the vial of Dracula remains, the kidnapped woman, and so on. But Ralph Bates was a much more charismatic actor, and Taste the Blood of Dracula had a much more compelling cast of older character actors to propel it forward in between scenes of Dracula showing that he can count to four or five. Dracula AD 1972 lacks that, and although the young cast is perfectly acceptable, the characters they inhabit just aren't interesting. Plus the jackass who wears the monk's cowl around the whole time was intensely annoying and yet escaped death. Shame on you, Dracula! Shame on you for not killing the odious comic relief.

Caroline Munro has a small but memorable part as one of the gang of youths seduced by Johnny Alucard's ability to mimic what he's seen in A Clockwork Orange, but she would quickly become one of the most beloved cult film actresses of all time. She got her start on the horror scene playing Vincent price's dead wife in the Dr. Phibes films, though I'm not sure lying there dead for every one of your scenes earns you a whole lot other than other parts where you do nothing but lie there. She at least gets to talk, writhe, show off heaving breasts, and get blood dumped all over her in this film. Her career took off shortly thereafter, and she has a much more substantial role in Hammer's superior Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter, as well as major roles in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, At the Earth's Core, the James Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me, and of course the infamous classic Starcrash, featuring what was no doubt her most memorable outfit. She was still working, albeit only occasionally, up until 2006, and if you've seen her lately, in her late fifties, then you know she's still ridiculously gorgeous and awesome. A shame she doesn't have more to do in this film, but even a little Caroline Munro is worth watching.

As the current Van Helsing, it's great to see Peter Cushing back in action, and naturally he goes at the role with absolute conviction. Unfortunately, the character is written as Van Helsing Lite, and most of his scenes are pretty dull. He spends a lot of time tracking down clues to the one thing he already knows. Everyone knows where Dracula's base of operation is, and yet Van Helsing spends half the movie trying to track down clues to the location of Dracula's hide-out, which he already knows! And once again, he decides to go fight Dracula at night, instead of swinging by and staking the bloodsucker when Dracula is asleep in his coffin. Why oh why are vampire hunters always waiting until dark to go fight vampires? I guess a movie where vampire hunters swing by during the day, stake Dracula, then head down to the pub to celebrate wouldn't be as long, but it'd be a nice change of pace. Other than that, Cushing is always Cushing. He comes in and does his job well, or as well as he can with what he's given.

The final common criticism of this movie, then, is that it's not very good, and I guess that's a fair assessment. The script needed more work. You can tell the hip young lingo was written by old men who didn't really know what they were doing. The plot is a bit of a letdown, especially considering that it's the first time Van Helsing and Dracula have been on screen together since the first movie. And despite all that, I really quite like Dracula AD 1972. I like the young cast. I like the awkward attempt at being hip. I like the outlandish counter-culture fashions. I like the attempts at freak-out cinematography. I think the movie is fun regardless of its faults, though I recognize that I may be in the minority here. By no means is this the film to save Hammer, and by no means is it as good as the previous film it rips off, Taste the Blood of Dracula. But it's not an entirely bad effort and has much to recommend in it, at least for me.


Screenwriter Don Houghton didn't have a terribly deep resume at this point in his career, his primary credit at the time of this movie being a stint as a writer for Doctor Who. And in fact, he had very little in the way of a career after Dracula AD 1972. He went on to write The Satanic Rites of Dracula, and two of Hammer's co-productions with Hong Kong's Shaw Brothers studio -- the crummy Shatter and the pretty good if sloppily written Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, in which Peter Cushing reprised his Van Helsing character one more time, this time on a trip to China to stop Dracula from raising an undead army. Despite the appearance of Dracula in the movie, Christopher Lee did not sign on, possibly because he was to busy making the James Bond film Man with the Golden Gun. Or The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Houghton was in his early forties when he wrote the screenplay for Dracula AD 1972, and while that's not really all that old, it is a little too old to be trying to write hip teen lingo. I'm only thirty-five right now, but I wouldn't consider myself adept at writing slang-heavy dialog based on modern teens. They say...what? Like, "sweet" and "cuckoo,man, real cuckoo" right?

Despite the faults, Dracula AD 1972 managed to turn a profit, which meant that Hammer was going to make another one, even though Christopher Lee swore this was the worst movie ever and he would never play Dracula again. That follow-up, another film set in the 1970s, was The Satanic Rites of Dracula, and if you want to see a genuinely awful film, that is the one you should be watching.

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posted by Keith at | 7 Comments


Thursday, August 02, 2007

Night of the Lepus

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1972, United States. Starring Rory Calhoun, Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelly, Paul Fix, Melanie Fullerton, Chris Morrell, Chuck Hayward, Henry Wills, Francesca Jarvis, William Elliott. Written by Don Holliday. Directed by William Claxton. Buy it now from Amazon.

Watch enough of the types of movies that regularly occupy the screens here at Teleport City, and at some point you will undoubtedly find yourself lifting your arms up into the air toward yon' heavens and, in a booming and suitably epic film sounding voice, beseeching Jehovah himself. "O Lord!" you will cry, "O Lord, how in the name of all that is twisted and unholy did this film ever get made?"

For the very existence of some films, if not exactly a pox 'pon the very arse of Almighty God Himself, are at least perplexing in their existence. Who, you ask the hideous phantoms that haunt you whenever you are left too long by yourself (the phantoms look like Mick Jagger in Performance), in their right mind would have ever green-lighted this film?

You are especially likely to ask yourself (and your inner demons) this question if, like me, you consider "go out with a hot chick and party and drink free booze with her and your pals" or "stay at home and watch made for Sci-Fi Channel original movies all night," to be a legitimately difficult decision. A night of movies in which Stephen Baldwin saves humanity? OK, I think I'll out to the party. But a night of movies in which Daniel Baldwin saves humanity? I might just have to stay home that night.

Sometimes, these "how did this ever get made" movies will end up being some of the worst you've ever seen. But not always. Sometimes, they are just really goddamned weird. Or colossally mundane. Selling a script isn't easy, so it's fair to wonder why so many truly crummy scripts and bad ideas get the go-ahead. I'm not talking about arty farty independent experimental video pieces -- we already know how desperate those things are to be self-consciously weird. I mean studio films, things people actually thought other people would want to pay to see. Films where some fast-talking movie producer who calls people "babe" and drives a Corvette had to read the script and think, "Sweet! I'll throw a couple million at it, babe."


Back when I was in college, I took a script writing class as part of the film studies program I was dabbling in to augment my journalism degree and equip me with the proper intellectual background and tools I would eventually apply to writing about films like Gymkata. The class was lorded over by an unkempt, white-bearded hobo of a man in a rawhide vest. What his qualifications were to work as a professor at a major American university, I do not know. I do know that, for a while, he was homeless and slept on a surplus Army cot in his office. Odd, at least until you take into account that this was a department where Harry Crewes was also a professor and could occasionally be found passed out in the elevator with no pants on and an empty bottle of booze lying next to him.

This cat teaching my class had never had a script made into a film, or even purchased with the potential that it might one day become a film, and his primary function in class, aside from brandishing Syd Field's The Screenplay, was telling us the same story over and over about helping his grandmother roll big fat joints on the front porch of their one-room backwoods shack in Georgia (sort of how I think I've told the same story about this professor in like half a dozen reviews at this point). I half expected during any given class session to be interrupted by a mousy guy in a tweed jacket and wire-rimmed glasses walking in and, shocked, screaming, "Who are you? What are you doing in my classroom???" to the wild-eyed Bohemian madman, who himself would promptly grab his checkered hobo bundle tied to a long stick, and chirp "Fare thee well, my good man!" in a gravel voice as he tipped his ragged hobo fedora at us and hopped out of the window and onto a passing box car.

Of course, I also half expected to go to this guy's office and find the tweed jacket professor tied up in a closet, shouting, "He's insane! I've been tied up in here since the beginning of the semester! For God's sake, man, call the police!" And if I ever saw that, I would simply back out slowly, close the door behind me, and head down the hall to Harry Crewes' office to see if there was anything left to drink in there.

Sadly, both of these scenarios are far better than any of the scripts I wrote for that bizarre circus of a class. It was 1992 or so, and I was writing with all the razor-sharp acumen of an idiotic 20-year-old punk rocker who had been watching too many John Woo films. On one occasion, we were charged with writing a different ending for The Silence of the Lambs, a new scene that would take place immediately after the scene that actually ends the movie with hungry hungry Hannibal boarding a plane bound for the tropics. My contention with the assignment was that it was -- as I eloquently put it -- dumb, and that the movie ended exactly where it was supposed to end. Any additional scene (or, as we would all learn, sequel) would just muck up a wickedly good ending. No dice with the argument, though, and I can't even remember what sort of worthless junk I churned out an hour before it was due. I probably tried to work in a dude jumping through the air while firing two pistols.

One of my classmates, however, took this assignment to heart and, in doing so, penned one of the most gloriously awful ideas I think I've ever encountered. In his new ending, we follow Jodi Foster down to whatever the hell tropical paradise Hannibal hightailed it to, and there's like five pages of her walking around, just sort of looking for Hannibal. Kind of like those old black action movies where like two-thirds of the running time is just scenes of Jim Brown and Fred Williamson driving around looking bad-ass and listening to cool music. Only, this is Jodi foster, and not Jim Brown or Fred Williamson. I have nothing against Jodi Foster (except maybe that movie where her kid disappears on a plane), but face it: Jodi Foster is no Fred Williamson.


Eventually, she walks into a boardwalk ice cream parlor and, without looking at the guy behind the counter, sits down and calls out an order for a scoop of rocky road. The camera, starting with the ice cream jockey's back to it, slowly circles him to reveal the face of...wait for it...Hannibal Lecter! Grinning evilly, of course. He walks over to a cooler, opens it, and pulls out a big-ass machete. Jodi foster turns, sees him lunging toward her, and a look of horror flashes across her face as...

We cut to a small boy, laughing and running into the shop. "Una cone, por favor" he says in bad high school Spanish that was the best this scriptwriter could muster. And then the camera zooms slowly in on the back of Hannibal, who turns around and offers the young child a cone topped with the severed head of Jodi Foster. As the boy runs screaming back out to the street, Hannibal smiles wickedly and says, "Quid pro quo, Clarice." Cut to black.

Now keep in mind that I was young and naive. We all were. The world did not yet know that the labored sequels to Silence of the Lambs would be so awful, or that they would turn Hannibal into a Freddy Krueger style quipster. Compared to the actual legitimate projects that got made under the banner of Silence of the Lambs, this guy's classroom project -- which I will remind you, was not meant to be funny or anything other than a jaw-dropping shocker of an ending -- seems positively plausible, even preferable. But at the time, in a world still as yet unsullied by Hannibal or Red Dragon or Hannibal Rising, the class simply sat in stunned silence as the guy read enthusiastically through his masterpiece. As he wrapped it up, the wild-eyed professor calmly got up, walked over, picked up the script, and proceeded to tear it in half, throw it across the room, and then dash over and start dancing on top of the remains, singing an improvised little song with lyrics whose point seemed to be that this was, more or less, the single worst piece of shit he had ever read.

I tell you this story because there is an actual point here, believe or not. This guy's script was horrible. And it deserved to be thrown across a room and danced upon. But so do a lot of other scripts, some of them even worse than Jodi Foster's severed head on an ice cream cone (a gag I'm pretty certain was actually used a couple years later in the Clint Howard tour de force Ice Cream Man, only not with Jodi's head; I think the head might have been Small Paul's, or that kid with the pillow shoved under his shirt because the casting director was apparently incapable of finding an actual fat kid to star in the movie), and those scripts still get made into movies. The entire point of our class, as I said, was to drum into your skull how unlikely it was that you would ever sell a script and see it made into a movie.

And yet such things continue to happen. And it's not like our professor, mad as he may have been, was wrong. It is hard -- really hard -- to sell even a brilliant script. Hell, I wouldn't even know where to send one if I was ever able to finish more than twenty pages. And while the rise of digital video and non-linear digital editing systems means it is probably easier than ever before to sell a script, because there are so many more production houses that can crank out junk on the ultra-cheap, that still doesn't mean it's easy. And still, Pterodactyl gets made. And Cabin By the Lake. And plenty of others. How does this happen? Man, have I ever mentioned how much I hate Cabin by the Lake?

A lot of these movies get made because someone involved in the scriptwriting has recently acquired creative carte blanche based on their success as a director or star. The vanity projects, as we know them. Even though being a successful director or actor or musical legend doesn't mean squat when it comes to knowing how to write a script, these people can get by on the temporary shine from their star. That's why Bob Dylan was allowed to write a movie. This phenomenon almost always involves actors, directors, and musicians. It is extremely rare that a writer is so successful that they are granted unlimited power to push through their own vanity projects. Writers just don't get that kind of consideration, unless it's the 1980s and you're the guy who wrote Basic Instinct.

Other times, the script is just so utterly baffling that the go-getter producer we mentioned before reads a couple pages, realizes it's completely incomprehensible, and then decides that it must be a work of genius, so why the hell not? I can think of no other way than this that John Boorman ever got Zardoz made.

But the majority of times, at least in my opinion, it comes down to one of two things: it's either who you know, or it's plain, simple dumb luck. I'm sure, especially at a lot of the cheap production houses like Asylum, they buy based on the title and maybe a cursory glance at a page. Hell, I bet sometimes, they just randomly say, "Green light every tenth script in that pile."

All of this leads me to ask that one, simple question about the subject of this review, Night of the Lepus: how in the hell did this movie ever get green-lighted?


The screenplay is by a guy named Gene Kearney, based on a novel by Don Holliday. Kearney was not an inexperienced writer, but almost all of his credits are for TV shows, and I don't think you get the sort of clout to push through a vanity project this absurd by penning episodes of Kojak. Similarly, it's not like Kearney could have been friends with director William Claxton, who loved the script and used his pull as the director of some episodes of Love, American Style to push the film through production. And while stars like Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun, Stuart Whitman, or DeForest Kelley may be recognizable names, I doubt even in 1972 any of them had enough marquee star power attached to their name to push through a script this incredibly goofy.

Thus, I am at a loss. Perhaps producer A.C. Lyles, who like his director and writer was experienced mainly with television westerns, thought the movie was supposed to be a comedy. Perhaps as child, he was severely traumatized by a bunny rabbit. Because that's what Night of the Lepus is about: bunny rabbits. Giant, killer bunny rabbits that terrorize the American west and lumber in slow motion across miniature sets, devouring all the humans in their path and, presumably, crapping all over the place. In the end, we'll probably never know how this movie ever got made, and I suppose that, even though I would love to have my curiosity regarding the matter satiated, all that really matters is that it was made. Some way or another, someone convinced people to make a movie about ranchers battling giant slow motion bunnies, and the world is, without a doubt, a better place as a result.

Rory Calhoun plays Hillman, a struggling rancher who has seen his grazing lands ravaged by an explosion in the population of rabbits. A fake newsreel at the beginning of the film warns us of the dangers of such unchecked population booms, before cutting to the ominous credit sequence played over a still shot of the just da cootest wuddle bunny wunny you ever did see! Hillman wants the rabbits gone, but he's hesitant to use poison like other ranchers for fear that it will contaminate his grazing lands and make him lose what little he has left. Seeking the advice of Star Trek's Dr. Bones McCoy himself, who is suffering from a bizarre space illness that has caused him to grow one of the worst mustaches ever (perhaps he's the evil, mirror universe Bones), Hillman meets up with a scientist played by Stuart Whitman, best known around these parts for playing the grumbling asshole detective who breaks into a home and rapes a transvestite up the ass with a hot curling iron in Blazing Magnum (keep in mind that Whitman was the good guy), and his wife, played by Psycho's Janet Leigh. They have a theory about using a hormone overdose to kill off the out of control rabbit populations, but they are unwilling to deploy the method until it has been properly tested. Wise science, for once, because it turns out that the treatment causes the rabbits to grow rapidly. If only their daughter hadn't spirited her favowite cuddwy wuddwy wuddle bunny out of the lab and allowed it to get loose into the general rabbit population!

The movie science also doesn't explain how the rabbits transform from carrot-loving herbivores to bloodthirsty meat lovers, but I reckon that to be a pretty dumb thing to be worrying about.

Before too long, miners and ranchers and folks who loiter around on front porches all day, are turning up all dead and mutilated. Night of the Lepus spends a few minutes pondering the possibility of the usual suspects -- coyotes, mountain lions, desert-dwelling families of mutants, et cetera, before everyone shrugs their shoulders and says, "Son of a bitch, it's giant rabbits." And so begins a cavalcade of scenes in which we get slow-motions shots of bunnies cavorting across the aforementioned miniature sets while spooky music plays. From time to time, they attack a human, a horror which is realized by cutting to a close-up of a stunt man wearing a big furry paw smearing bright red paint on a victim. And every now and then, we get a shot of a bunny rearing up, it's wiggling little button of a nose crusted in the blood of its human prey. This would be silly enough on its own, but the fact that this special effect is pulled off with shots of a hand puppet catapult the film into the realm of the sublime. eventually, even though everyone pretends to be deathly terrified of the giant bunnies, someone decides to see how rabbits, even big ones, fare against electricity, bulldozers, trains, and a shitload of firepower.

Truth be told, Night of the Lepus is a challenging movie for me to review. On the one hand, it's obviously custom-made for a site like Teleport City and a man like me. I mean, Stuart Whitman is battling giant rabbits, and it's not a comedy. Aficionados of truly wretched film making should and often do drop down to their knees and praise Ol' Gooseberry for the existence of this film.


On the other hand, picking on Night of the Lepus is sort of like kicking a puppy -- keeping in mind that puppies, even Chihuahua puppies, still present a more legitimate scare than a rabbit (with the possible exception of those murderous bastards from Watership Down). Night of the Lepus presents the viewer with a smorgasbord so vast and seemingly inexhaustible that it nearly overwhelms you with the number of delectable choices. Surely a film this easy to take pot shots at should be left to a less experienced connoisseur than myself, freeing up my time to concentrate on a review that is really challenging. But I couldn't really think of anything, so I decided that since this is my job (not really) and this is what I get paid to do (not at all), I would soldier on, even when my opponent is as soft and harmless as a snuggly little bunny rabbit.

So let's begin with the positive. Some of the miniature sets across which the rabbits lope are nicely constructed.

Well, that didn't take too long, did it? And no matter how nice your miniature sets may be, they will never be so nice that they could compensate for the slow-motion bunnies flopping lazily across them. I mean, maybe if they'd used jackalopes, Night of the Lepus would have been more successful. At least they have antlers and could potentially do something more to you than hop up and twitch their nose.

Seriously, though, there are more positive things than just the tiny little farm houses and fake ponds. On a completely personal level, Night of the Lepus will always have a special place in my heart that elevates it far above the status it deserves. The first time I saw Night of the Lepus -- on a late night TV double bill with Killdozer, no less -- I had a tremendous amount of fun. Buddies, chicks, and cheap distilled spirits were involved. It was summer in Gainesville, so it was about five thousand degrees and everyone was already on the verge of hallucinating from the heat. And if you are thinking to yourself that perhaps a young man, a young college man night twenty years old who, one hot Florida summer night finds himself in the company of hot, willing female company and cheap liquor, should have something better in mind than watching Killdozer and Night of the Lepus with them. Well, if that's what you think, then I say good day to you, sir!

And some day maybe I'll tell you again about the time I took a cute chick to see Wicked City. Or the time I invited a cute blonde skater chick over the first day I knew her and made her sit there and watch Black Devil Doll from Hell. That's right bitch -- now that you have smelled the foulness of my breath (or my taste in film), you may now taste the sweetness of my tongue!


Anyway...

Among the other positive things about Night of the Lepus -- besides DeForest Kelley's gay 70s porn star mustache -- is that everyone involved pretends that this movie is really scary and serious. No one hams it up, and even though this movie definitely deserves to have actors sleepwalking through it, no one does. I mean, Stuart Whitman maybe kinda does, but that's just Stuart Whitman for ya. The only thing missing from the cast is Michael Caine, but I guess he didn't start acting in anything and everything until a few years later. And the movie is definitely made funnier by the lack of funniness. No one looks at the camera with a Dean Martin as Matt Helm style, "People, can ya believe this shit?" smirk. The veteran cast handles the entire thing with a heavy handed gravity one would expect from a film about the 1972 Munich Olympic Massacre, not a 1972 film about killer bunny rabbits and the lanky ranchers for whom they cause some trouble.

I also like that, as with many movies of the era, the main cast is comprised of older people. Sure, there's a kid, but she's ancillary at best. The plot revolves around a group of people in their forties or older. I really don't have a huge grudge against horror films that obsess about a cast of people in their teens or early twenties, but I much prefer to watch a gang of seasoned vets going about their business. Not only are they better actors -- even when they're bad actors -- but it lends an extra air of believability even to a movie as absurd as this. Basically -- a bunch of giant rabbits are eating people. Do I trust Elisha Cuthbert to deal with them, or Rory Calhoun and my Grandpa Harley?

Still, I'm sure Whitman and crew could have used the help of a group of teens who leave the sock hop at the barn, jump into their dune buggies, and come out to lend a hand.

Night of the Lepus is a throwback to the "giant animals" attack genre that so dominated science fiction for a period during the 1950s which saw mankind and his lands ravaged by everything from giant ants to giant gila monsters to giant tarantulas, locusts, scorpions, and bald men in big diapers. In the 1970s, the genre enjoyed a revival, although this time around, the animals were usually normal size (which is too bad -- imagine how much more awesome Grizzly would have been if the grizzly in it was 150 feet tall -- almost as awesome as if Silence of the Lambs had starred Fred Williamson instead of Jodi Foster), and the entire film was infused with 70s style ecological doomspeak. Meaning even the most ludicrous of scenarios -- "most ludicrous meaning Night of the Lepus -- handles itself with the no-nonsense self-importance of an Al Gore PowerPoint presentation about the environment. If only An Inconvenient Truth had featured a portion where Gore details how, as they struggle to cope with the devastation wrought by global climate change, the various species of the world would rise up and revolt, resulting in a plague of horrifying attacks by chinchillas, whose primary form of assault is to squish themselves as tightly as possible into the various nooks and crannies of the world, where they will sleep for twenty-three hours out of the day.


In true 1950s sci-fi movie fashion, Night of the Lepus kicks off with a fake newsreel -- was anyone actually still producing newsreels by 1972 -- about the ecological disaster caused by exploding populations of rabbits, although these rabbits do not actually explode. I'm sure there's a different movie for that. The big difference between Night of the Lepus and its brethren from two decades earlier is that science isn't able to solve its own crisis. The giant animal movies of the 1950s always boasted some degree of faith that the crisis could be rectified by some winning combination of two-fisted scientists, military muscle, and guitar-plucking teenagers in dune buggies. By 1972, however, America found itself pretty well disillusioned with military muscle, science, and government. You could almost believe that Fightin' Ike would come out, guns a-blazing and the hot southwestern sun glinting off his bald head, and take care of these giant rabbits. But no one could see Nixon doing the same thing. And the nature of the crisis was different, too. A giant scorpion borne of atomic tests? That you could deal with. But ecological disaster? The impact of that would span decades -- as symbolized by the final shot of this movie, in which a "menacing" bunny rabbit is sitting on top of some dirt.

Luckily, though, Night of the Lepus remains true to its roots despite the disillusionment of the rest of the country. Night of the Lepus offers a troubled America a reassuring message: the President may be a disgusting crook, the country may be trapped in a South Asian quagmire, but have no fear: when it comes to dealing with a bunch of giant bunnies, the American military and a group of people from a drive-in movie theater will perform with adequate competence.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I still believed in the message some message movies tried to deliver. Even if I still felt the same way, I don't think Night of the Lepus is a film "that really makes you think." If there is a serious message to be delivered, its effective is pretty solidly undercut by the method of delivery. I'm sure you could make some "when nature goes awry, even the most harmless seeming of creatures can become deadly." But then, you'd kind of be full of shit, too. Luckily, heavy-handed messages go down a lot easier, even if not more effectively, when they are delivered in a package this ridiculous.


As with many things this wonderfully awful, it ain't all steak and onions. You gotta sit through a whole lot of slow, slow exposition about hormones and coyotes. The realization of the giant rabbit attacks -- usually in the form of blood-smeared hand puppets and stuntmen wearing furry sleeves they use to swipe at people from mostly off-screen, leave a little to be desired. But then, it's stuff like that, that makes Night of the Lepus really worth watching.

I figure this is the sort of movie you know ahead of time if you're going to love or hate. I love it, and I won't pretend that I don't try and force it on people any chance I get (though not as often as I do Streets of Fire). I can't help -- which is probably sad -- think about how this movie would have been even more awesome if the small western town these rabbits attacked was the same town where Billy Jack lived. Or maybe Asylum Pictures will take me up on my offer to write and direct Lepus vs. Killdozer. I'll follow it up with Hyrax Dawn.

Until then, we're left wondering how they managed to get this movie made. And if you ever get some crazed film studies professor ranting about how impossible it is to sell a script, bring I a copy of Night of the Lepus and ask him how in the hell he can explain its existence.


Coming soon to a theater near you: Hyrax Dawn

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posted by Keith at | 6 Comments


Monday, June 11, 2007

Thirsty for Love, Sex, and Murder

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1972, Turkey. Starring Yildirim Gencer, Kadir Inanir, Meral Zeren, Eva Bender. Directed by Mehmet Aslan. Buy it from Xploited Cinema.

(...how can you not love a film with that title?)

I haven't really seen many of his films, but Mehmet Aslan seems like my kind of director. I've seen a couple of his Tarkan movies, and Karaoglan Geliyor, and they're collectively packed with fight choreography, crazy stunts, cheap (if very mild) gore, and fun costumes and obviously wooden swords. Following what I've seen on posters for his other movies, and the description Onar films presents in the biographical extras, most of Aslan's films feature a healthy dose of manic violence, crazy stunts, and a generally progressive attitude toward the optionality of clothing. It's for movies like these that I own a DVD player.

As for Aslan's 1970 film Aska Susayanlar..., I should state up front that I'm not really a giallo connoisseur. Or, really, an avid watcher of non-supernatural murderer films in general. As such, I've never seen Sergio Martino's The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh--and I gather that Aslan's 1972 film pretty much adopted that film's plot, right down to finding leading characters who looked similar to the stars in the Martino film.

I've stopped thinking about these things as necessarily "ripoffs" because, particularly in the Turkish case, they were made for the domestic market, not infrequently using Turkish stars. The Turkish movie industry appears to have been a business just like any other such industry, sure, but it seems to me that there's more at stake in these films. Higher-budget productions from the U.S., Italy, etc., were flooding into smaller countries such as Turkey in the later 20th century, and I can only assume that the differences between international and domestic production values were obvious to Turkish cinemagoers. Turks seem to have cherished their stars, but certainly they also enjoyed a good foreign flick; sooner or later, someone would have to try remaking these foreign films with local stars, and in appropriate cases even translate Christianity into Islam or otherwise make the film more culturally applicable to its new context. "Ripoff" suggests a lack of creativity; these Turkish films seem to be more like adaptations.

As a side note, I've been openly critical before of the "let's remake Japanese films for American audiences" boom that occurred after the Ringu craze. I'm not recanting that. Hollywood was just cashing in on the popularity of foreign creativity in remaking Dark Water, and Ju-on, and whatever else they went and butchered. America has flooded its own cultural space with so many representations of its own conventions and obsessions and traditions on film that it's almost impossible these days to write a film that's not reflexive. The primary source of production was the primary source of consumption. By contrast, cinematic representations of Turkey have not historically traveled too far from ethnic Turks themselves, at home or abroad. Remaking a foreign giallo in 1970s Turkey seems like a way of assimilating some of that flood of foreign media (and its attendant foreign ideals). I don't want to succumb to an East/West or secular/Muslim dichotomy, but... I dunno, it seems like there's been a long history of tension in Turkey regarding what's viewed as Western-derived "secularism and the more gruesome or lascivious forms of free expression, versus Islam, which is seen as more traditional. Films like this are, I think, at least partly an attempt to make some of this foreign glamour more reachable.

Or it seems that way to me, anyway. But back to the actual movie... The basic plot here is that a rich and recently-married woman knows someone who's a serial murderer, but she doesn't know who it is. She is being tormented by a man who once assaulted her, but the murderer might also be her husband, or her best friend's lover who seems to have a thing for her.

Plot summary would be a waste here, but I can say that there are some effective scenes in the film (my favorite might be the parking lot chase), and the cinematography is at times much more refined than in some other Turkish outings of the same period. That said, at other times this film lacks some of the restraint and refinement of the better giallo outings from Italy (or at least those that I've seen), and adds in a very manic Turkish element instead.

Or to put it another way, sometimes the gloved killer is artfully hidden and sinister, and at other times he just leaps in from offscreen to startle his next victim (in one case, in the middle of a very open field). The gore is restrained from an Italian perspective, but still nicely cheap and copious from my perspective, and the film ends with an old-fashioned round of fisticuffs, because I think Mehmet Aslan probably didn't know how to make a movie without a good, Turkish fight scene, complete with dubious flailing kicks and karate chops that send the villains flying. Our leading man here is no Cuneyt Arkin, but he does a worthy job nonetheless.

Onar films released this film as a double feature with The Dead Don't Talk; I think I personally preferred the latter film, but other reviewers seem to have preferred Thirsty for Love, Sex, and Murder. So be it. These two films were saved from the brink of oblivion by the valiant efforts of Onar Films, and regardless of which you like better, they're both well worth watching.

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Friday, June 25, 2004

Aguirre, The Wrath of God

Release Year: 1972
Country: Germany
Starring: Klaus Kinski, Daniel Ades, Peter Berling, Alejandro Chavez, Daniel Farfán, Justo González, Ruy Guerra, Julio E. Martínez, Del Negro, Armando Polanah, Alejandro Repulles, Cecilia Rivera, Helena Rojo, Edward Roland.
Writer: Werner Herzog
Director: Werner Herzog
Cinematographer: Thomas Mauch
Music: Popol Vuh
Producer: Werner Herzog and Hans Prescher
Original Title: Aguirre, der Zorn Gottes
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


There are a lot of directors who work with that special someone of an actor forging a partnership that becomes legendary within the cinematic world. Martin Scorsese had Robert DeNiro. Spielberg seems to have Tom Hanks. John Ford had John Wayne. And German director Werner Herzog had Klaus Kinski. If you know anything about Klaus Kinski, this may seem a bit of a raw deal for Herzog. After all, as far as anyone knows, Tom Hanks has never tried to knife Steven Spielberg to death on the set of a movie, and John Wayne never insisted to Ford that he was the reincarnation of Jesus or the famed violin virtuoso Paganini. On the other hand, it's equally unlikely that Spielberg has ever returned a knife fight with his own conspiracies to murder his favorite leading man. Although one has to question the authenticity of some of the wilder tales about the working relationship between the two men, there's no doubt that some of it was indeed true and they had the sort of relationship that could be described, if one wanted to be tactful about it, as "dynamic."

The defining factor in the relationship between Herzog and Kinski was that Kinski was, to use a scientific term, bat-shit crazy while Herzog, in turn, was crazy as a shithouse bat. Yet somehow, you throw the two together, and the result was sheer brilliance etched from utter lunacy.

For my money, and I'll admit up front to being no big Herzog expert, they are at their finest in the raving study of greed, madness, and the lust for power that is Aguirre, The Wrath of God. Thrown together in the jungles of South America to make a film about the spiraling madness of a Spanish Conquistador hell-bent on finding the fabled city of gold, El Dorado, Kinski and Herzog drove each other and those around them so berserk that the locals hired as extras were even offering to discreetly murder Kinski, who they completely and totally despised with every inch of their being. To the benefit of the film, these boiling emotions of hatred, frustration, and madness were exactly what the script called for, and thanks to Kinski's raving insanity, it's likely those around him had very little acting to do to push themselves to the point at which they needed to arrive.

Beginning on Christmas day (though this doesn't necessarily mean you'd want to consider this a Christmas movie), in the year of our Lord 1560, Aguirre is told more or less through the journals of a monk accompanying a band of Conquistadors on their march across the South American continent. Finding themselves subjugated and mercilessly slaughtered by these men from across the ocean, the Incas formulate the only sort of revenge they have at their disposal and concoct a story about the lost city of El Dorado, where gold practically flows through the fountains and there are amassed piles of riches beyond the dreams of even the greediest Spanish invader. To the Incas' credit, they place El Dorado, "somewhere over yonder" in a general direction that will take any would-be glory-hunters through the most treacherous terrain in perhaps the whole of the world. So, though defeated and humiliated, it must have provided at least some small degree of satisfaction to the Incas to watch groups of Conquistadors head down the mountains to the Amazon to die agonizing deaths and the hands of hunger, disease, and violent jungle Indians.

One such expedition is that of Aguirre, a commander whose lust not so much for gold as for power and dreams of establishing an empire that dwarfs that of his native Spain drives him first to mutiny and then to a veritable "death march on the river" as he drives his men deeper and deeper into the inescapable heart of the Amazon. It's not unlike Heart of Darkness, except that instead of traveling down the river to madness, madness comes along for the whole ride. It would seem, also, that Aguirre would have been a major influence on Walter Hill's Southern Comfort (1981) or Francis Ford Coppola and Apocalypse Now (1979), which might be one of those things that is common knowledge if I ever sat down and watched Hearts of Darkness. Actually, the better comparison is to Samuel Fuller's Big Red One, which takes the whole of the European theater in World War II and shrinks it down to a microscopic size.

With Aguirre, Herzog creates a sort of anti-epic. Certainly the story of a doomed Spanish expedition through the jungles of the Amazon in search of a city of gold that does not exist is the sort of plotline that could easily expand to the size of an epic, but Herzog, partially constrained as always by budget but primarily for artistic reasons, restricts the story to a claustrophobic size. The vastness of the Amazon jungle is whittled away until all that remains is a world as large as the raft on which the Conquistadors prop up themselves as easy targets for natives concealed in the lush greenness rising up like walls around them. Most of the movie takes place on this raft, with only tenuous forays onto the banks, and never then very far for as much as the Spaniards hate being trapped on the raft, they fear the jungle that much more. Confined to such a small space, and with no voice of reason to reel him back in to reality, Aguirre's passion for conquest, his unrelenting desire for grandeur and power, pushes his far over the edge, until even as the last of his men lie starving and bleeding to death on the crumbling decks of the raft, he still imagines that he will rule the whole of the South American continent and launch an armada to seize territories now held by the Spanish crown, establishing himself as the greatest ruler of the largest empire of all time.

It is darkly ironic, tragic, and almost comedic in the blackest sense of the word that his delusions of glory just around the next river bend reach their apex as he stands alone, aimlessly adrift on a raft covered by cavorting monkeys.

Although Kinski's Aguirre is at the center of the tempest, this is not a story of one man's quest for glory and victory at the expense of his protesting men. Indeed his men are all too willing to follow him into the jungle and straight into madness in pursuit of the promise of wealth and power. When the wiser Ursua (Ruy Guerra), ostensibly the leader of the band, decides that it is a doomed expedition and all should turn back to meet up again with the greater body of the Spanish army and return to civilization, Aguirre's soldiers are all too willing to comply in mutiny against Ursua. Even as they find themselves picked off one by one by natives or simply dying of starvation, none but a very few of the soldiers recognize the insurmountable madness that assures their failure. Even the clergyman Carvajal defers to Aguirre, partially out of fear but mostly because he, too, dreams of glory. Where the men's glory is gold and Aguirre's is power, Carvajal's glory is the glory of God and in the conversion of the South American savages to Christianity.

Though everyone is guilty aboard the raft, the film is obviously commanded by Kinski, who is allowed to channel all his bug-eyed insanity into his damned and unsympathetic character, though never so much as to push it wildly over the top. Herzog and and Kinski may be two insane men making a movie about insane men, but Herzog keeps the film tightly focused and controlled, slowly paced and never prone to scene-chewing explosions of craziness. Never does Kinski outright rant and rave and knock things over. He is, rather, far more reserved with his insanity, and far more chilling. When action scenes do come, they are exceptionally brief. This is, after all, not a sprawling war epic but a character study and exploration of the power of greed to corrupt, blind, and drive mad.

Herzog's conclusion is hazy, as the film leaves Aguirre in total defeat but still very much alive. He has lost everything and everyone around him, but still he goes on, certain that his destiny leads to nowhere but fame and power and immortality. He has learned nothing, enjoyed no moment of revelation or repentance or realization. Even the death of his own daughter, the one potential moment for the audience to perhaps feel a pang of sympathy for this madman, seems to affect Aguirre not in the least, or at least not enough to shake him from his delusions. Like the drunk driver who causes a car wreck in which everyone is killed yet he himself walks away unscathed, Aguirre remains.

I believe some people mistakenly go into Aguirre thinking it an adventure film. Such a notion is certain to result in disappointment. Herzog is, after all, something of an arthouse director, and he works on a low budget. Instead, this is a deconstruction of the adventure film, a psychological dissection of a larger-than-life character whose aspirations and dreams soar to the heights of what might be achieved even by a madman in an epic, even while he himself is mired in the hopelessness of the reality of the situation. There is no moment of heroism, no rousing rescue or battle. There are, instead, long, deliberate takes and beautiful cinematography. There are pauses, slow pacing, and an almost total lack of a musical score. A single dreamlike synthesizer theme occurs from time to time, but other than that the only music in the movie is the pipe playing of one of the native slaves. Herzog doesn't want to excite you; he wants to engage you, or more accurately, to ensnare you and drag you along on this expedition. His narrative, although slowly paced, also keeps the viewer off-balance and unable to completely collect one's thoughts. Characters are killed without comment by silent assassins from within the jungle. There is no fanfare, no death scene. We simply see them alive one minute and dead a few minutes later. Carvajal's journal entries, which serve as the basis for the structure of the story, become more random and eventually cease altogether and he himself succumbs to jungle fever. Never has hard, edgy realism seemed so surreal.

Kinski is, it goes without saying, superb. Who better to play a megalomaniacal madman than an actual megalomaniacal madman? Apparently, at some point Kinski was being his usual difficult self, and Herzog got a decent performance out of him by pointing a gun at Kinski's head and threatening to blow his brains out. There was no doubt in Kinski's mind that Herzog would do it, and for that matter, there was no intention in Herzog's mind not to do it if Klaus didn't do his job. Much of the remainder of the cast is comprised of locals who were hired more or less off the street, though the part of Ursua was played by Ruy Guerra, a prominent director in South American cinema.

Herzog's in-close direction works well with the overall story and creates the necessary atmosphere of claustrophobia and irritation. It's no small feat that Thomas Mauch's cinematography drags so much beauty out of such a confined space. Though he allows himself some sweeping shots of the river and the raft traveling down it toward its unsavory fate, his true gift is for staying close and using people and small moments as sources for brilliant, beautiful, and often frightening images. Something as gigantic as the Amazon River and the jungles around it beg for indulgent helicopter shots of lush green canopies with craggy mountain peaks jutting up from them, of great gorges and valleys and waterfalls. But Mauch never lets you see more than what the men themselves can see: the impenetrable jungle-choked banks, the muddy water, fleeting glimpses of bow-toting natives, and each other. What he does with such a reserved palette is astounding.

Aguirre, in short, is a trip straight to hell. It is a dip in the pool of lunacy. And as far as "arthouse adventure" goes, you'll find no film finer. All the pieces, cracked as they may have been behind the camera, fall into place to create a lush, haunting tapestry. The separate madnesses of Herzog and Kinski may have driven them to the brink of murder, but the film is all the better for it, and somehow they manage, as they often did, to turn that friction, that hatred and lunacy and love, into a breathtaking work of art.

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Thursday, May 13, 2004

Way of the Dragon

1972, Hong Kong. Starring Bruce Lee, Nora Mao, John Benn, Bob Wall, Chuck Norris. Directed by Bruce Lee. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

There are a few things, few key things, that embody the bad-ass cinema Teleport City likes to call it stomping ground. Maurizio Merli's mustache is one. Pam Grier pulling guns and knives out of her afro is another. Rudy Ray Moore's butt naked dive down the steep hillside while wearing only his floppy blue pimp hat. And of course, there's Tomas Milian and his little red bikini underwear.

But there is one man above all others, above even Maurizio Merli himself, who truly encompasses everything in this world that is bad-ass. One man whose every action, every look, every sound exudes cool toughness. One man, above all others, who has transcended all cultural barriers and become far more than a movie superstar; one man who has become a cultural icon, a piece of modern mythology.

That man is Bruce Lee.

You can't overstate the impact Bruce has had on modern pop culture. Stars have come and gone, names like Jackie Chan, Clint Eastwood, and Jet Li are all familiar marquee names, but Bruce exists above all of them. Take a walk down any street in New York and you will see half a dozen shops with some sort of Bruce Lee merchandise. T-shirts, posters, scrolls, black velvet paintings, statues, action figures, movies -- pretty much anything. I even saw one of those blacklight posters featuring the "holy trinity" of Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, and Bob Marley.

And these aren't just kungfu film specialty stores or Chinatown curiosity shops. Blacks, Puerto Ricans, whites, Dominicans, Chinese, Vietnamese, you name it and their culture has embraced The Dragon. No other action film star occupies the spot Bruce has obtained in our society. He is a modern day Greek hero, a Jason or Perseus, a man whose legend has grown to epic proportions.

So, the obvious question from many people is "Why Bruce Lee?" What was it about this brash, good-looking young guy that made him such a phenomenon? Why Lee and not Ti Lung? Why Lee and not anyone else in the world? The answer is equal parts timing, skill, charm, and mystery.

Bruce hit the scene at a time when a lot of people in both Hong Kong and the United States were desperate for an underdog hero, especially one who wasn't white. The world was gorged on James Bond rip-offs and sanitized Westerns full of chiseled white guy good looks. The Vietnam War, Civil Rights movement, the Native American awareness movements that became things like the Wounded Knee siege -- all these cultural elements were combining in an explosive wave of disillusionment with the way things used to be. The urban communities in America, who were hit especially hard by both the Vietnam War (since so many soldiers were minorities) and the frustration faced by the Civil Rights movement. With real-life heroes like Martin Luther King Jr. being gunned down, people were looking for heroes somewhere. Up until then Hollywood hadn't been providing them with anything.

Then came Bruce Lee. It's no coincidence that Lee hit the scene around the same time that black action stars like Fred Williamson, Richard Roundtree, and Pam Grier were starting to make a big impact on the scene. People were fed up with Bond and John Wayne. They wanted someone more modern, more bad-ass, and most importantly, they wanted someone to whom they could relate. Bruce wasn't white. He wasn't big. His characters were not rich or influential or successful. He was an everyman for all other men who could not see themselves in the previous set of American heroes. He was different, and he was the underdog.

In each of Lee's characters, there was plenty for the disillusioned to identify with. The condescension and racism hurled at him in Fist of Fury, having to take shit from a corrupt boss in Big Boss -- there were things people recognized, and things people loved seeing Lee overcome. His biggest film in the United States, Enter the Dragon was a wild James Bond type action-adventure film where the Asian was the hero rather than a silly sidekick or devious villain. It was also a movie where the black character (Jim Kelly) is a noble and heroic man of principle, while the white guy (John Saxon) is a sleaze. A lovable sleaze, but a sleaze never the less.

Bruce Lee gave people hope, goofy as that might sound, that they too could overcome the odds facing them in everyday life. They could rise above the poverty and hopelessness of their situation. When Lee died under mysterious circumstances, it cemented his place not just as a star, but as a legend. His mark on society, from his face on a t-shirt to the popularity of martial arts training as a way to cope with growing up in the inner city, will remain in place long after the names of hundreds of other stars have been forgotten.

So which of these films should be the first Bruce Lee film we review? His biggest, Enter the Dragon? How about his first, Big Boss? Or the one most everybody considers his best, Fist of Fury (aka Chinese Connection). I think we've explained the whole Big Boss, Fist of Fury, Chinese Connection thing, but just in case you forgot, here's the deal: when Bruce Lee's Hong Kong films were brought over to the US to capitalize on the success of Enter the Dragon, someone screwed up and got the titles confused. Big Boss, Lee's first film, was mislabeled Fist of Fury. Realizing the blunder too late to fix it, distributors took the actual Fist of Fury (Lee's second, and many say best) and retitled it Chinese Connection, probably to capitalize on the success of French Connection as well as Lee.

Since they were on a roll, they decided to also retitle Way of the Dragon, calling it Return of the Dragon and marketing it as a sequel to Enter the Dragon despite the fact that it was made before that film.

But that brings us to where we want to be, which is the movie we've chosen to be the first Bruce Lee film we review. We chose it because it seems to slip through the cracks a lot, and because it's the only complete film that was written, directed, and choreographed by Lee himself. It's an excellent movie that allows Lee to showcase not just his incredible martial arts skill, but also his ability as an actor. Most people like to write Lee off as a one-trick pony, perhaps the best martial artist to ever live but a pretty rigid actor. Those people obviously go along with hearsay rather than actually investigating the matter themselves. People who claim Lee could only act enraged and couldn't handle comedy should pay closer attention to this film, in which Lee gets to shine as a comedian as well as an all-around kungfu bad-ass. Bruce even gets to do stuff that results in that "wah wah waaaahhhh" comedy music!

We begin at an airport in beautiful Roma -- that's Rome to you non-cosmopolitan types out there. Bruce, playing Tang Long, is something of a country bumpkin from the rural land outside Hong Kong. Right away, Lee is great at invoking a sense of sympathy for his character. I mean, we all know Lee is the baddest man to ever walk the planet, but he plays his scenes here so realistically awkward and embarrassed that you feel bad yet amused for his fish-out-of-water character. He goes to an airport lounge and, not being able to read the menu, end sup ordering about six bowls of soup. Of course, he is still Bruce Lee, so he saves face by finishing them all, which allows him to launch a series of "must go to the toilet" jokes that will be a sure-fire comedy hit with the kids for years to come. Face it, you can be some Ivy League blue-blood in a long raccoon coat, carrying a pennant that says "Rah, Harvard!" or whatever, but you will think farts are funny. Go on. Admit it. You'll feel better.

I don't really know why farts are funny. I mean, we've been doing it for thousands upon thousands of years. You'd think we'd be over it by now. Sad as this sounds, I have spent many an hour late at night amusing myself by imagining a bunch of homo robustus types gathered around the campfire and bursting out into prehistoric prehysterics when one of them lets it rip. I think there were a lot of jokes in Caveman featuring Ringo Starr, so you know where I'm coming from with this one.

I know they are base and disgusting, low-brow joke material fit for a Chris Farley movie. But think about it. Fart humor transcends race and culture. Everyone the world over thinks farts are funny. Even high brow films like Scent of Green Papaya had fart jokes in it. Maybe it's because they are a great equalizer. Everyone has to do it sometime. Maybe it just feels good to do something that primal and animalistic. That's why we laugh, even at our own farts, and even harder when we see other animals do it. Nothing's funnier than a farting dog or howler monkey. When my parents' dog farts, it gets all freaked out, jumps up, and starts hunting furiously for the fart. I'm going to start doing the same thing, I think.

I know it's gross, but come on -- if Bruce Lee thinks farts are funny, then you can, too!

Lee also mines comedy gold in the "goofy effeminate guy with bad toupee" department. Bruce was, in fact, a huge fan of the Dean Martin - Jerry Lewis comedy team and the many films they did together. While Bruce's sense of humor is not quite as slapstick (and far less annoying) than Jerry Lewis, you can still see the influence it had on him. The main difference here is that Bruce is both the goofy, out-of-place Jerry Lewis and the suave, competent Dean Martin, depending on what the situation called for. Bruce definitely had a lot more depth than people gave him credit for.

After the soup skit, Bruce meets up with his cousin, played by the lovely Nora Mao (Fist of Fury, Big Boss), his frequent co-star. Nora had written her uncle back in Hong Kong to explain that they were having a lot of trouble with thugs at the restaurant in Rome. She expected him to send a lawyer, and instead he sent Tang Long, which Nora isn't exactly happy about as Tang is ignorant of big city culture, especially in the West. Tang Long explains that, while he may be a bit dim, he can help out in other ways.

He gets to show everyone his "other ways" when the thugs show up at the restaurant to smash things up and convince the Chinese to sell their land. It's always something like that, isn't it? The Man and The Mob are always trying to build malls on land owned by kungfu schools, community centers, and restaurants. It's a tried and true film formula, but it's also a comment on gentrification. In my old neighborhood, you could make a movie about The Gap trying to buy up land belonging to community gardens and outreach centers. Same shit, different era. I think The Gap stuck mostly to financial strong-arming, though, rather than sending thugs to beat up a guy named Pops.

Realizing that the thugs, one of whom I swear is Oliver Platt, won't listen to words, Bruce decides to speak with kungfu. He thrashes them soundly in a great sequence. Great not just because Lee is so fast and crisp with his art, but also because Lee's character undergoes a wonderful transformation. When dealing with the restaurant and the city of Rome, Tang Long is lost and vulnerable. But when he steps into the back alley to beat the shit out of the no-goodniks, he immediately becomes confident and in control. Ass kicking is a universal language, after all.

In between visits by the thugs, who keep arming themselves heavier and heavier only to still get the shit kicked out of them by Bruce, the film takes full advantage of its Rome locations. Hong Kong movies that filmed outside of Hong Kong were still very rare in the 1970s, so Lee takes in as much of Rome as can be crammed into a few "travelin' all around" montages. Then it's back to the alley behind the restaurant to kick ass on some more thugs. This is a pretty weak-ass mafia, I must say. But I guess they're not the big-time guys we see in films like The Godfather. After all, those guys are controlling international drug trafficking, arms smuggling, and resort casinos. These guys are trying to muscle out a restaurant. It's sort of like how most leprechauns get to guard gold and countless treasures, but Lucky the Leprechaun has to guard a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal.

In a theme that is present in all of Lee's Hong Kong films, he teaches other Chinese -- other minorities -- not to be ashamed of themselves or their heritage. When he arrives in Rome, the staff at the restaurant is practicing Japanese karate because they feel Chinese martial arts are weak and embarrassing. Once they see Lee in action, however, it fills them with pride and reinvigorates their interest in their own culture. This was an important theme for a film in 1972, and it's a large part of why Bruce Lee became so popular. He fights for the right not to be ashamed of the color of your skin, and he shows that minorities can survive the pressures put on them by the established white majority. They can rise above racism by learning, relying upon, and believing in themselves.

Once the boss finally catches on that his thugs are a bunch of fat-ass losers, he hires some karateka bad-asses in the form of Bob Wall and Ing Sik-wang (Stoner, When Tae Kwan Do Strikes, Young Master). Wall is best known for his role as the right evil O'Hara in Enter the Dragon.

After a while, Bruce gets sick of beating up the thugs, who just never seem to learn their lesson. So he goes to their headquarters, beats them up there, then does a very impressive kick in which he leaps up into the air and smashes an overhead lamp, completely without the use of tricks or wires. To accomplish the same simple but impressive kick these days would require Yeun Wo-ping to use ten miles of wires, pulleys, and CGI effects.

Pissed off about their light, the thugs hire their own kungfu bad-ass in the form of Chuck Norris. I know, I know. You guys here Chuck's name and it makes you grimace and roll your eyes. Great. Now we gotta watch Lone Wolf McQuade. But take heart, li'l buckaroos. There is a vast difference between Chuck Norris the Bruce Lee opponent and Chuck Norris the Texas Ranger. For one, bash him all you want, but Chuck Norris was an amazing martial artist at his peak (which is when this movie was made, and why Bruce chose Norris). Legit martial artists and kungfu fighters all recognized Norris as possessing one of the fastest, deadliest spinning back kicks in the world. Judging Chuck's abilities based on his American films is like, well, judging Cynthia Rothrock by her American films or Sammo Hung by his work on Martial Law.

The finale sees Lee face off against Norris in the maze-like arches of the Roman Coliseum, invoking the not-so-subtle image of modern-day gladiators. The ensuing battle is one of the best kungfu one-on-ones ever filmed, with the Benny Urquidez - Jackie Chan fight in Wheels On Meals being a distant second. Part of why the fight between Norris and Lee is so great is because it hurts. In 1972, kungfu film choreography was still pretty basic outside of Lee's films, and a lot of the over-choreographed fights, while looking spectacular, lacked any sense of injury or power, especially when the guys would hit each other over and over with no real sign of damage.

When Lee and Norris hit each other, you can feel it. Their blows carry weight, and the weight shows. It's obviously a result of two legitimate martial arts bad-asses being involved rather than two guys trained in Peking Opera, dance, or stage fighting. Of course, despite all the flesh-pounding-flesh action, the most painful scene comes when Lee uses Norris' thick, Piltdown Man-esque coating of body hair (it's possible he was one of the cavemen laughing at farts I talked about earlier) as a weapon, ripping out a big chunk of chest hair (he could have used a little off the back as well). Of course, ripping out a man's chest hair makes you bad, but then proceeding to blow it into the man's face makes you bad-ass. It's the little things, you see.

There's some end-of-the film shenanigans after the fight before Lee wraps everything up and heads back to Hong Kong. The film is absolutely superb. Lee shines as both an actor and a fighter, and his skill and charm should be more than enough to win over pretty much anyone. Watching this movie, you'll have little question left in your mind why Lee has become to celebrated by so many different types of people. One could even take the Civil rights slogan "We Shall Overcome," and apply it to the work of Bruce Lee.

Bruce's direction is good. Nothing overly inventive or unique, but more than competent for a first-time director. It's a bit raw at times, though he really shines at filming the fight scenes, which probably shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Sammo Hung, in many ways a student and master of Bruce Lee's, would be the one director more than any of the others who would realize Lee's ambitions in filming and directing kungfu films. What Lee began in Way of the Dragon and never finished in Game of Death, Sammo would carry to fruition in films like Knockabouts, Prodigal Son, and Project A. Makes you wonder what the "Three Brothers" of Sammo, Yuen Biao, and Jackie Chan would have been like if it had been four brothers, and one of them was Bruce Lee.

Way of the Dragon, aside from being some of Lee's finest stuff, is notable for launching the film career of Chick Norris as well. I don't actually know if this is a good thing, but I guess it was good for Chuck. He went on after this film to play a bigger role in another Hong Kong actioner, Slaughter in San Francisco, aka Yellow-Faced Tiger. That movie gave him ample opportunity to throw back his head and laugh in an evil fashion while he stood with arms akimbo. He also got to kick people. From there, it was the big-time, as he went on to play heroes in one crappy film after another, thus endearing him to the American public. If you have to watch any Chuck Norris film besides Way of the Dragon, make sure it's The Octagon, because that at least has some ninjas in it.

Chuck Norris and Bob Wall would reunite many years later to make the film Hero and the Terror, and even later to appear as themselves in Sidekicks, a film best left undiscussed.

Bruce, of course, went on to make Enter the Dragon, the film that would become his ladder to the realm of modern-day legend and launch the kungfu craze in America. Lee's contributions to the genre are sundry. He gave it it's banner star. He gave it the refinement of fight choreography, which up until Lee had been stiff and stage-like. He gave it comedy and heart. He gave it international appeal.

He gave it Bruce Lee. A man full of anxieties, flaws, genius, ambition, fear, and fearlessness. A man whose name and face would become ubiquitous.

So if you want to see Lee's biggest film, see Enter the Dragon. If you want to see his first film, see The Big Boss. If you want to see his best film, see Fist of Fury. But if you want to see the one film out of all of them that shows Bruce Lee at his finest in all ways, the one film that has the most Bruce Lee in its heart, the one film that, more than any of the others and despite its rough edges, defines where Bruce wanted to take the genre, then you have to see Way of the Dragon.

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Monday, September 03, 2001

Godzilla vs. Gigan

1972, Japan. Starring Hiroshi Ishikawa, Tomoko Umeda, Yuriko Hishimi, Minoru Takashima, Zan Fujita, Kanta Ina, Kunio Murai, Haruo Nakajima, Toshiaki Nishzawa, Koetsu Omiya, Kenpachiro Satsuma. Directed by Jun Fukuda. Buy it from Amazon.

Depending on your opinion, either the 1970s were not kind to Godzilla, or fans are not kind to the Godzilla of the 1970s. The films of that era are often dismissed as cheap, poorly made, and generally pathetic or childish. Godzilla was in full "super-hero" mode. Little kids in micro-shorts were running wild, but not nearly so in control as they were in the old Gamera films. A lot of serious Godzilla fans hang their heads in shame at the mere mention of some of these titles.

Well, nothing in the world of film pisses me off more than a serious fan, someone who wrings out every ounce of enjoyment from a movie and looks at it with most bitter of critical eyes. They turn their noses up at the "kiddie" films of the 1970s, forgetting all the while that the reason they seem so childish is because, well, they were made for kids, you nerd! They weren't made for some college drop-out film geek to analyze frame by frame on his DVD player while counting down the minutes until he once again has to jack off to the La Blue Girl cartoons.

Here at Teleport City, we stand in firm and unwavering defense of the Godzilla of the 1970s. Sure the films were cheap. The special effects were not up to the high standard set by the 1960s productions. The plots were often ludicrous at best. But more important to me is the fact that the films are a tremendously fun time. They are full of vibrant colors, outlandish aliens, monster wrestling, and plenty of good old fashioned destruction. As a lad, I grew up on the Godzilla films of the 1970s, and perhaps that, more than any other reason, is why I love them so dearly and totally do not relate to the contempt with which they are viewed by many people.

There are three films that often battle for the title "worst Godzilla film of all time," and predictably enough, I unconditionally love all three of them. Far and away the most hated film in the series is Godzilla's Revenge, but we will get to that film in due time. The other two films vying for the position are Godzilla Versus Megalon and Godzilla Versus Gigan, both of which feature Gigan, a cool cyborg monster with a buzzsaw in his belly!

Godzilla Versus Gigan begins with the wacky exploits of a frustrated comic book artist who is offered a job by a strange corporation. Their plan is to build replicas of all the monsters on Earth, then kill the real ones off. That way, people can come see the monsters and ride roller coasters out of their mouths, but there will be no real danger to humanity, and as a result, we will enter a golden age of peace and harmony or something. I love me a good roller coaster, and though I don't know if amusement parks are the key to global harmony, I'm certainly willing to give it a try. And although I would hate to see all the Earth's monsters killed, those plans for a giant monster themed fun park sure sounded like a good idea.

Sure enough, though, the corporate guys aren't totally friendly. Nor are they totally human. Yes, once again, we are the target of marauding invaders from space. These guys were all over the place during the 1970s. But just because they are here to conquer us and set up a peaceful Eden doesn't mean they can't take time out to build a giant replica of Godzilla. You know that thing is getting smashed by the Big G before the credits roll.

There are certain things in these sorts of films that are givens. For example, the bad guys will always tie up the hero and explain the whole plan for world domination -- making certain to highlight all the possible pitfalls and weak links in the plan. Then, while they are watching one of those rounded-corner TV screens, the hero will somehow manage to loosen his bonds. We accept this. It's a time-honored convention. But these are the only villains who not only explain their plan in detail, but actually present charts, graphs, and a short documentary on the subject. In that sense, their disguise as corporate cogs and middle managers is perfect. If you made this film today, they would come armed with a lengthy PowerPoint presentation.

The dashing comic artist and his cute karate-trained girlfriend team up with a chubby hippie guy and a disgruntled woman who used to work for the sinister corporation. Together, they intend to stick it to the aliens. Okay, so maybe it's not the elite team we'd hope would combat marauding aliens if ever they came to Earth. I mean, A cartoonist, his checkerboard-dress wearing karate girlfriend, the corn-lovin' hippie, and the marketing woman team up to fight the aliens disguised as amusement park owners. All they need is a dog and a van covered with flowers, and you have a whole different series.

Anyway, I'll take a cartoonist and his karate girl, a hippie, and a disgruntled woman any day over a squeaky kid in micro-shorts.

The aliens decide to raze the Earth because, well, why the hell not? Foolish ETs. Don't they know we humans have a guardian? That guardian is Godzilla. And to a lesser extend, Angilas.

The aliens send Gigan out to smash things up. Gigan looks cool, but you have to question the hand design there. The hook looks tough and all, but you'd think at some point some fingers would come in handy. Maybe one hand and one big hook or something. Anyway, Gigan gets a little help from everybody's favorite three-headed dragon thing, the mighty King Ghidrah, who has certainly looked mightier in previous days. In this film, it looks like they found the costume out in the alley and were like, "Remember this old dude? Let's use him one last time!" Ghidrah has certainly seen better days. It was like watching Andre the Giant during the end of his wrestling career when he was having really bad health problems. Or watching Ric Flair now.

Anyway, the big advantage for the heroes is that neither evil monster has any damn hands.

So you have your teams: Godzilla and Angilas versus Gigan and Ghidrah, and on the mid-card, hip Japanese heroes versus the square corporate aliens. Look at it as a counter-culture sort of thing. The fringe fighting back against a massive corporation that wants to impose global homogeneity, "peace" corporate style and at the expense of free thought. Godzilla, the living breathing creature versus a heartless cyborg. For some reason, I don't know if I would bet the farm on the writers of this script wanting to make a "Freaks versus The Man" movie, but what the hell? The glory of film studies is I can make any damn shit up I want. And the leader of the aliens does have a Bill Gates haircut.

This film has lots of other little gems. Like the fact that Godzilla talks. Yes indeed. He and Angilas gab to one another before swimming to Japan to beat alien ass. I think this only happens in the dubbed version. But get this: in the original Japanese version, I hear they actually spoke in comic book word bubbles! I have never seen the original Japanese version, but that sounds pretty amazing.

All in all, this movie is not the best written film in the world. It doesn't have the best special effects I've ever seen. That honor goes to Plan 9 from Outer Space. And sure, a lot of scenes may be stock footage from superior films like Rodan and Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster. And yes, I see the point of the many people who look at this film as if it was a piece of doggy poo. I just don't agree with them. You got lots of monster action. You got aliens. You got a beautiful karate kicking lady. You got hippies and comic book nerds saving the planet. And you have no annoying little kids in micro-shorts. When I was little, I was utterly enthralled by the Technicolor madness that is Godzilla Versus Gigan. Twenty years after I first saw it, I'm just as happy. Never mind the bullocks. Embrace Godzilla Versus Gigan.

This film was also released under the title Godzilla on Monster Island, which only makes sense, seeing how al the action takes place nowhere near Monster Island. Still, you catch a glimpse of the place for about ten seconds, so there you go. Also, nerd point: Kenpachiro Satsuma plays Gigan the monster. He also played Hedorah in Godzilla Versus the Smog Monster, but is best known as the ultra-cool man beneath the Godzilla suit in every film since Godzilla 1985. Now take that tidbit with you to the next convention, and hardcore fans will go, "Tell me something I don't know, Chappy. Hey look! A girl in a Sailor Moon outfit!" which is better than what I saw. Imagine a two-hundred fifty pound hairy comic geek in a Japanese school girl outfit. *Shudder*

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Wednesday, April 11, 2001

Stoner

1972, Hong Kong/England. Starring George Lazenby, Angela Mao Ying, Betty Ting Pei, Wang Ing-Sik, Sammo Hung. Directed by Feng Huang.

I had to watch this movie more than once to verify that George Lazenby actually has more dialog than just, "Hmm? Hmmmmm," mumbled with that smug chin-in-tha-air look as if to say he has discovered something important and must now jut forth his chin and stroke it slyly. Who the hell does he think he is? Mr. Bean? He does have a few other lines, but for the most part, he just hums through the whole movie. I know this isn't the best way to kick off a review, but come on! Speak, damn you! This isn't Quest for Fire.

Okay. I had to get that off my chest. Now we can proceed. I originally rented Stoner because, well, it was called Stoner. How many kungfu movies do you find with a title like that? I knew there probably weren't any stoners in the movie, but the joke was still funny. Upon getting home and watching it, I was overjoyed to discover that there are in fact quite a few stoners in the movie, as well as the main guy, Stoner. Stoner is not a stoner, but he is fighting many of the main evil stoners while trying to save some of the other stoners who were just looking for a good time.

Besides Stoner and the stoners, this movie has the wonderful Angela Mao Ying in it, who doesn't really do much other than show up randomly to kick someone's ass, but that's why we love her so. I apologize that, with so many great films starring Angela, this is the first of her films that we've reviewed. It's not exactly the most wonderful example of what she can do. She is not a stoner in this film, but she does team up with Stoner.

Stoner is played by George Lazenby, known by, well, not many people as the guy who was only in one James Bond film, the one everyone pretends never got made. I don't understand why. On Her Majesty's Secret Service is among the coolest of the Bond flicks, and it's certainly heads better than much of the crap that starred Roger Moore. I mean, at least it doesn't have a scene of evil Nazi-Communist millionaire (!) Christopher Walken sneaking up on dumb as toast Tanya "Sheena" Roberts in a goddamned blimp! It's a blimp, for Christ's sake!!! You can't sneak up on people in a blimp! Yet that movie (A View to a Kill) gets to be part of the Bond collection, while Lazenby's swank little run as the super secret agent gets ignored by the masses.

Lazenby's film was actually pretty cool despite the bum rap it gets from most people. Telly Savalas was the bad guy and Diana Rigg was the Bond girl, so right there you know there's something yummy on your plate for the evening. It has some in-jokes that reminded me of the big Bond send-up, Casino Royale, and while it's not as cool as From Russia With Love, it's still better than most any other Bond films, though I also like You Only Live Twice since it had ninjas in it. Watching Bond films is what really made me want to have some dangerous affair with a female operative from Russia.

Say what you will, but I really miss the Cold War. Times were simpler then. The bad guy was clear cut, and the hate was so overblown and hyperbolic that you couldn't really take it seriously. I mean, did people really believe that the Soviet Union was the most evil force in the galaxy? Please, Reagan. That's like the Muslims calling the US the Great Satan, and we get all pissed about that. The Cold War era produced plenty of movies featuring American and Russian agents in cat-and-mouse games, sort of like friendly rivalries. And there was always a romance between the top US agent and some Russian female spy in a furry hat. She would almost certainly try to kill him later on, or perhaps take a bullet for him. For more on my Cold War espionage fetish, please refer to the review of the soundtrack 100% Cotton.

Cold War espionage romance fantasies. Does anyone else out there have fantasies like this? I mean, it could have been "I dream about making it with three women at the same time," or the standard issue, "i dreamed about making it with a woman wearing that Princess Leia metal bikini," but no. I get "I dreamed about making it with a beautiful Russian spy in a safehouse on the Czech border. Later, she tried to kill me in this whole deal that involved skis and motorcycles. Also, we were both wearing those furry caps."

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh yeah. Stoner. George Lazenby is Stoner, man of action. I noticed that, during key action points in the film, it's not as effective to yell, "Stoner!" as it is to yell "Manix!" or "Mitchell!" but it's still pretty amusing. Stoner is hot on the trail of some goofy drug dealer whose new product tends to make people go severely orgiastic, and then die. Nothing's perfect, I suppose. So there. You have Stoner fighting stoners, and there some cheesecake nudity thrown in to boot.

Some of the nudity involves actress Betty Ting Pei, the most hated woman in Hong Kong. Well, how can people hate an attractive woman who just can't seem to keep her clothes on? I myself wondered the same thing, but keep in mind that Betty Ting Pei was Bruce Lee's mistress, and she was with him during those final fateful hours of his life. Plenty of people theorize that Betty was in on a plot to kill Lee, working perhaps with vengeful film director and known thug about town, Lo Wei. Could Betty Ting Pei have been the one to poison Lee, or let hit men in to beat him to death while he was enjoying some hash brownies?

We'll never know, though you can get her side of the story in the sleazy Bruce Lee "biopic," known as Bruce Lee, His Last Days and Nights, in which she stars as her frequently nude self and Bruce Lee is played by a young Danny Lee Hsiu-hsien, also known as the star of Inframan and "that cop from The Killer." Lee has gone on to make all sorts of creepy, brutal crime films that seem to glorify the torture and rape of suspects by the police force. Frankly, that guy freaks me out.

As for what happened to Betty Ting Pei after her brief stint as a B movie exploitation star, I don't know. She was pretty much run out of Hong Kong after Lee's death, but obviously, she eventually returned to get naked again.

It's too bad the plot of Stoner isn't as wild as the Bruce Lee conspiracy. Maybe Oliver Stone (quite a well known stoner) should sink his teeth into that one next. Anyway, I digress yet again. Stoner. Stoner is a man with a mission, and that mission is to wear flared slacks and wave his arms wildly at his opponents. I guess this is supposed to be kungfu, though I have seen orangutans do something similar. I've also seen Jimmy Wang Yu do it, but he is the master of waving his arms angrily in the face of his opponent. Stoner gets to hand out beat-downs like the star of an Italian cop film. All in all, Lazenby is believable enough as a tough guy. He has a tough guy mustache (on loan from Maurizio Merli), so that makes him believable, though not in the same league as other masters of mustache toughness (the two biggest masters being Merli and Franco Nero).

Lazenby, of course, is no stranger to ass whuppin' Asian style. A slightly more out of shape Lazenby would later co-star with Lee Van Cleef, who was even more out of shape than Lazenby, in an episode of the critically acclaimed (I'm pretty sure, but not entirely certain about that acclaim) television series Master Ninja. I think Lazenby might have climbed a wall or something in that episode. Luckily, he's a lot more active here, strolling around and casually beating up people who deserve to get beaten up.

Angela Mao gets involved in things as a mysterious agent working to crack the same case as Stoner. She gets to show off some quality Angela Mao kungfu ass-kicking but is really just a supporting cast member. Still, any chance to see Ms. Mao in action is a treat. But Lazenby is the star here, even though he doesn't speak the language. I spent half this movie trying to figure out if it was a Hong Kong or British production, and in the end I decided it was both. It was England's way of repaying Hong Kong for loaning them Ti Lung to appear in Shatter.

This movie has everything you expect from a 1970s goofball action film. The bad guys live in a Holiday Inn or something, complete with lots of mirrors, thrones, revolving platforms, and secret doors. Who do you get to build these things? Is there a special super villain contractor that specializes in secret caves and futuristic fortresses? Everyone is dressed gaudily. The bad guys are really bad, and the good guys are tough as nails. I will have to watch it again to check, but I think the movie does lack a midget henchman, which is surprising. Maybe there was one in there. I will have to watch again to see.

As if all that isn't enough to send you searching for this doggie treat of a film, Sammo Hung stars as a character who was probably called "Thug Number Two" in the credits.

Quite honestly, I dig Stoner. It's a totally ridiculous, goofy movie. The fashion is bad. There's trippy drug scenes and go-go dancing hippies and Betty Ting Pei in a see-through nighty. There's George Lazenby muttering and going "Hmmm? Mmmm." over and over. There's Angela Mao showing up every twenty minutes to kick everyone's ass. All the sets look like airport lounges. Since I'm a mark for both Mao and Lazenby, it was great to see them fighting evil together.

I mean, we're not talking masterpiece here, people, but in the right frame of mind, Stoner is one of the most enjoyable action flicks you can see. It's definitely become one of my favorites, and everyone I've made watch it with me has walked away a smiling fan afterwards. Stoner. Remember his name. When you smash through a window, think of Stoner. When you dole out two-fisted beat-downs to a gang of dope peddling thugs, think of Stoner. When you get a smug look, stroke your chin, and go, "Hmmm? Hmmmm. Mmm," think of Stoner.

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