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Monday, October 13, 2008

War of the Robots

Release Year: 1978
Country: Italy
Starring: Antonio Sabato, Yanti Somer, Malisa Longo, Patrizia Gori, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Roberto Bianchetti, Aldo Canti, Enrico Gozzo, Licinia Lentini, Frank Siedlitz, Massimo Righi, Dino Scandiuzzi, Nicole Stoliaroff, Ian Pulley, Venantino Venantini.
Writer: Alfonso Brescia
Director: Alfonso Brescia
Cinematographer: Silvio Fraschetti
Music: Marcello Giombini
Producer: Luigi Alessi
Original Title: Le Guerra dei Robot
Alternate Titles: Reactor, Robots, Stratostars


When one possesses tastes such as I do, one often assumes that he will find himself standing alone in a vast sea of people who think you are mad, completely mad. If the Internet has taught me one thing other than there are a lot of blogs maintained by people's house cats, it's that you're never so alone as you think you are. No matter how obscure or out of the mainstream your affection for a particular something may be, chances are very good that there are multiple discussion boards, chat rooms, and websites dedicated to defending and celebrating whatever that thing may be. Heck, by Internet standards furries, scat freaks, and people who like to watch monkeys stick their fingers up their butt then sniff them and fall over are mainstream.

And yet even in this glorious netherworld where everything is acceptable and nothing is beyond the realm of defense, there are rare occasions when I still feel cold and alone in a world that regards me with a suspicious and disgusted eye. Such is the case when I offer up the opinion that Italian science fiction films are "pretty good."

Pretty much every Italian B genre has ample defenders, be it peplum, giallo, violent cop films, or those screwball comedies we only watch because we know Edwidge Fenech gets nude in them. Even the third Ator film has its defenders (am I among those sad individuals? Need you even ask?). And yet when I venture forth with the suggestion that Wild, Wild Planet or War of the Robots are enjoyable movies, I feel like one of those unfortunate guys who mis-times a bodily function in a crowded venue and lets loose the precise moment everyone simultaneously gets quiet for no discernible reason.

And the expression on most of the faces around me is no more approving than the faces staring in harsh divine judgment at someone who just cut one in church. "Why?" they ask me as I try feebly to defend my adoration of films featuring Antonio Sabato in a metallic unitard. "Why do you enjoy making baby Jesus cry?" And I when I look to Christ on the cross for reassurance, his gaunt, forlorn visage merely peers back at me in disappointment as he says, "Really, Keith! I was ready to forgive your obsession with big round asses, the visible thong fashion trend, the naughty office lady stereotype, and maybe even Yor, The Hunter from the Future. But Cosmos: War of the Planets? That's too much, even for me."


Luckily, though, I don't actually buy into religion, and I haven't been to church since I was a young teen trying to make time with a minister's daughter. So you know what, Pope Benedict? I don't care if The Vatican disapproves of my appreciation of War of the Robots or bigtitsroundasses.com (Umm, not that I've ever been to that site). And even if there's not a single person out there who will back me up on this one, then I am proud to be the lone voice in the wilderness, howling like a banshee about the merits of a film like War of the Robots. Well, perhaps "merits" is too strong a word.

There doesn't seem to be a wealth of research available on Italian science fiction, not the way there is for giallo and horror or peplum. And as I'm not living in Italy and my conversational Italian is limited to "Dove il bagno?" and "Hey! That's a spicy meat-a-ball-a!" I'm probably not going to end up being the trailblazer in proper research of Italian science fiction films and themes, though over the coming months I shall do my best. Someone has to shoulder the burden, right? And Jesus made clear to me that he was willing to die for a lot of things, but Antonio Sabato in a unitard wasn't among them. Heck, I may even go to the library and blow some dust off any books they may have there, perhaps even pretend to read them when really, all I'm doing is looking at the pictures and making up assumptions based on chapter titles. If you ever wonder why the state of journalism is so dreadful these days, it's because of me. But there. I went to an online card catalog for a major American university and found nothing. The few books on Italian science fiction I could find were referring to literature, and not Antonio Sabato in a unitard. Hold on, let me do a search for "Antonio Sabato in a unitard." Nope, nothing except Teleport City. So I guess I have to make it up as best as can for the time being, and rely on subsequent reviews and reader corrections to better whittle down my fantastical assumptions into something more reflective of the truth.


For our purposes here, Italian science fiction is divided into two main eras: the late fifties through the sixties, and the post-Star Wars 70s. Now, let me preface this entire discussion with the admission that I hate discussing sci-fi as inspired by Star Wars. People seem to insist that movies are "rip offs" of Star Wars even when the assertions are more tenuous then the kind of crap I assert. Not that Star Wars didn't have a major impact on science fiction in particular and movies in general, and not that a lot of sci-fi films would never have been made were it not for the success of Star Wars. I'm just saying that it isn't always Star Wars; there were plenty of other sci-fi films in the 70s that the Italians could rip off, and the Italian b-movie industry has never been anything if not egalitarian in where it steals ideas from. Plus, disregarding any of the Campbellian "myth" myth that has been layered on as extra meaning behind Star Wars, it was at heart just a rip-off of old pulps and sci-fi which, in turn, were inspired by the Victorian speculative fiction writers, which in turn...oh, you get the idea, don't you? For me, it's never a question of who rips off what, but of whether or no the rip-off is any good. And the general consensus around a film like War of the Robots is "No, not really."

I, obviously, disagree.


You see, in many aspects of life, I am gentleman of refinement and culture, with mature tastes and the wisdom of the ages. You will find me wearing my three-piece velvet suit (don't think I don't own one), sitting in an overstuffed, weathered leather recliner, with a glass of fine single malt or bourbon in one hand and an exquisite cigar in the other, discussing no doubt the history of "the Great Game" during the 1800s or what's to be done with this Taft fellow. In certain other aspects of life, however, I am possessed of the wide-eyed disregard of a child. And so when a film comes to me wrapped in pretty colors and glitter, all full of skintight metallic jumpsuits and blinking lights, I can't help but drop the cigar, spill the scotch (which fills me with a profound sense of sadness beyond the ages), and collapse to the floor, drooling and clapping and laughing "Pretty!" Few things are as candy-colored as Italian science fiction from the 60s and 70s.

In fact, that may pretty much be the only thing they are. You certainly can't call most of them intelligent or well-written. You can't call most of them well directed or well paced. Certainly not well-acted. But they are full of pretty colors. Hooray! And no matter how dull and plodding the film itself may actually be to the rest of the right thinking world, I sit there in a hypnotized state, gazing happily at the colored lights and thinking to myself how much I love what I'm watching.


Such is the case with War of the Robots, a film that was most likely scripted on the back of a napkin and filmed in less time than it took to write on that napkin. It comes from the second era of Italian sci-fi, or the Alfonso Brescia era (the first era was the Antonio Margheriti era). This was the era when the swingin' swanky spacecats of films like Wild Wild Planet gave way to the swingin' disco lounge lizards of the cosmos, but the ponderous and meandering pace of the films remained constant. Brescia is the kind of director who has a filmography awful enough that if you told me for six months I'd be allowed to watch nothing but Alfonso Brescia movies, I'd be pretty happy for six months. Like most Italian exploitation directors, he worked the gamut -- peplum and spaghetti westerns in the 1960s; sex, cop, and science fiction films in the 1970s; sword and sorcery and Miami Vice rip-offs in the 80s.

Among other things, he directed one of my all-time favorite fantasy films: the bizarre mash-up of Hercules and Flash Gordon that is Conquerors of Atlantis. Although first and foremost a peplum, or sword and sandal film, Conquerors of Atlantis had more than enough mad scientist gear, metallic wizard robes, laser guns, and atomic generators to also plant it firmly within the realm of science fiction. Specifically, it plays like an old serial, one of those where a good-natured cowboy accidentally discovers a lost world of guys in pointy helmets and armed with ray guns. Only instead of a cowboy, it was an ancient world strongman. Given Brescia's familiarity with such material, it's a bit of a surprise to me that he didn't make any straight sci-fi during the 1960s, and that straight sci-fi remained more or less the sole dominion of Antonio Margheriti until later int he 70s, when Brescia took over and Antonio decided to spend his time directing cheap, bloody Vietnam movies.


Come the 1970s, when Star Wars generated new interest in the pulpy, adventure-oriented sort of science fiction that the 1970s had otherwise eschewed in favor of contemplative (if ham-fisted) post-apocalypse films (which were not very much like the post-apocalypse films of the 1980s), Brescia was the man behind the camera more times than not (the most significant "not" being Luigi Cozzi's Starcrash, but we shall come to that in due time). Brescia's films are defined by a few key elements, though if there's any single over-arching theme running through the body of his science fiction output, it's that in the future, most of our time will be spent sitting in front of control panels covered with blinking lights. Other characteristics include his bizarre hybrid of swingin' 60s pop art fashion with sparkling lens flare disco aesthetics and an extreme reliance on gratuitous and functionally useless helmets. He also really likes shots of guys firing flashlights at each other from behind stone formations. Oh yeah, also -- whatever movie you thought you were watching in the beginning ends up getting discarded halfway through in favor of another movie Brescia must have thought up during lunch and figured he wouldn't get a chance to make, so why not cram it into the movie he was already making?

In War of the Robots, for example, the movie we start out with is about a scientist (Jacques Herlein, who once appeared in a movie called The Hostess Also Likes to Blow the Horn) and his lovely assistant (Brescia sci-fi regular Malisa Longo, who also had a bit part in Way of the Dragon) who get kidnapped by aliens designed to look like Miles O'Keefe in Sword of the Valiant. The aliens need the scientist because he has discovered the secret of how to create life, presumably with his sexy assistant. I'm not really sure how a race that hasn't figured out how to procreate even managed to become a race in the first place, but whatever. It's the future. Sadly, there's no scene were one of the goofy looking foil-suited aliens insist that the professor hand over the Genesis device, only to be confronted by the professor fondling his assistant and purring, "She's the only Genesis device I need, mister!" However, it's worth noting that the old crank seems to have an entirely unprofessional affection for his young assistant, which he expresses whenever he can by grabbing her bare shoulders and casually brushing against her breasts.


The kidnapping doesn't sit well with Captain Antonio Sabato, who had a thing going with the sexy assistant Lois, or with the rest of the people in the world, since the scientist was apparently running an experiment that, if left unattended, will destroy the planet. And in an incredible feat of planning, the aging old scientist is the only person who knows how to shut down the experiment. So off into space we go with Sabato and his crew, most of whom seem pretty blase about the whole "the world will explode in seven days" thing and more interested in slinging cheesy lounge lizard come-on line sat each other, though mostly at crewmember Julie (Yanti Somer, yet another Alfonso Brescia sci-fi stalwart), because she's the hottest and looks like Brigitte Nielson in Rocky IV, only cute instead of terrifying yet somehow alluring. She has a thing for Captain Sabato (yes, yes, the ol' John Hughes "guy has thing for glamor girl when plucky, hot tomboy sidekick is much sexier and better for him" plot is firmly in place years before Hughes made it his stock in trade), and if you're wondering why we're wasting time with all this dumb soap opera nonsense when we should be tending to rescuing a scientist from some alien pageboys, well you're apparently not going to get very far in Italian space command. Remember that they are a fiery and passionate bunch, those Mediterraneans, and just because you are on a critical mission to save the world doesn't mean there's not time to ooze up next to a crewmate and lay on sleazy lines like, "Baby, why are you still obsessed with the captain? You know he loves Lois. But maybe you could swing by my quarters later, and I'll show you my collection of Anthorian fertility fetishes."

En route to the point ("north Pole Earth, 90 degrees west, and 810 north" -- Star Trek wishes it could ride techno-babble this ridiculous) at which their spaceship -- which is kitted out with the world's most advanced rolling space office chairs -- will intercept the aliens, our crew ends up crashing on a planet inhabited by mutants, one of whom looks like Yul Brynner in cheap World of Warcraft elf makeup. It turns out that these people are used by the pageboys as a humanoid (as they say, "we are humanoid but different from you") internal organ farm. The pageboys, it turns out, are the goon squad for a race that can only stay alive by stealing organs from other races. Yul Brynner (Aldo Kanti, actually, as Kuba) is itching for revenge. So Sabato lets him join the crew, on the condition that Kuba trade in his loin cloth and cape combo for a snug, metallic space jumpsuit.


After some more, "So, who do you like? Why does he love her?" banter, we finally arrive at the alien planet, where Captain Sabato discovers the horrible truth -- that the scientist is actually enjoying his new home and accompanying space wizard robes and has no interest in returning to save Earth or even telling the crew how to shut down the stupid experiment he left percolating in the kitchen. In fact, it turns out he and Lois have decided to lead an invading armada and conquer the planet -- which would make you think they'd want to at least help out with stopping the reactor, since amassing an armada to invade a planet that blows up a couple minutes after you leave seems like a poor application of resources.

So at this point, someone calls Sabato and is like, "Oh, we ended up figuring out that reactor thing. You can go on to the next movie." So the remaining half of the film is dedicated to the glorious and epic battle among the stars for the very fate of humanity itself. This is realized largely by filming scenes of Antonio Sabato wearing a motorcycle helmet and sitting at a control panel while he pretends to fly a spaceship with scenes from the movie projected behind him, not unlike similar scenes from the Turkish sci-fi epic, The Man Who Saved the World. Other people sit at control consoles elsewhere and do the same. In the end, it seems like an exceptionally one-sided battle despite what we're being told in various snippets of exposition delivered by a woman who forgot to put on the undershirt portion of her space uniform. I mean, on one side is an old man and a bunch of pageboys who turn out to be androids filled with springs, and on the other side are a bunch of hot-blooded Italians lead by Antonio Sabato in a useless helmet. What is a motorcycle helmet going to do for you while you're flying a space fighter? I would think that, even by Italian standards, when you crash a ship in open space, mild head trauma is going to be among the least of your concerns.

As is often the case, if you ask me why I like this movie, I'll shrug and mumble something about pretty colors and lights and isn't Yanti Somer cute with her sexy crew cut and form-fitting space uniform? And you'll shake your head, maybe try to explain to me that those are not really reasons of merit to like a film as much as I like War of the Robots. I will respond by putting my fingers in my ears and, in an affected monotone computer voice, repeating "Does not compute!" until you finally lose heart and go off to win the Nobel Prize or something, leaving me in peace to watch War of the Robots and brood about how no one understands me but Alfonso Brescia.


Sabato seems to be on autopilot for this film, but he's still Antonio Sabato, and that means he's cooler than you or me, which is why he has time to juggle two hot space babes while still saving the galaxy from an army of Miles O'Keefe robots. Malisa Longo really gets to chew some scenery with her "lab assistant turned evil space empress of the universe" role, and I guess we can't blame her or the professor for taking the offer, though they might at least have questioned how a race that has perfected android making, interstellar travel, ray guns, and other highly advanced technologies and feats has yet to figure out how not to live in sparsely adorned caverns. Yanti Somer mostly hangs around looking cute with her bad-ass crewcut (I admit it -- dames with crewcuts really appeal to me. Add that to my tally, Jesus). The rest of the cast is pretty non-descript, except maybe the "Texan" who communicates his Texan-ness by wearing cowboy boots with his space outfit. If you happen to learn any of their names, it is purely through brute repetition, and not because anyone turns in a memorable performance.

Really, though, none of the faults of this film bother me very much. Or rather, they didn't bother to the point that they outweighed the enjoyment I got from the sheer silliness of everything on display. Even though I opened this review by talking about how I hate when everything is listed as "a rip-off of Star Wars," it's hard to argue against that when Antonio Sabato gets involved in a fight with glowing laser swords. Unfortunately, Alfonso Brescia couldn't afford to have someone draw in animated laser blades in post-production (I don't even think a movie like this has post-production -- I think they just assemble it as they film it, then send it off to theaters later that afternoon by fourth class media mail), so they just use regular plastic swords with reflective tape on them, the kind runners put on their shoulders and shoes in a vain attempt to stop crazed motorists from running them down. But other than that, I think claims of Star Wars rip-offery are greatly overstated. Yes, this movie and the whole series of science fiction films made by Brescia got made because someone wanted their own Star Wars. But opening the floodgate is one thing.

The content of War of the Robots is substantially different from that of its big-budget door-opener. It's very much a throwback to the cheap sci-fi films of the 50s and 60s, when the interiors of spaceships were all wide-open and spacious and equipped with folding tables and rolling chairs. And yes, there's a lot of scenes comprised of nothing but people sitting at a prop control panel turning knobs, but there's also a fair amount of goofy laser battles and sneaking around in catacombs while wearing sexy pleather space outfits. If anything, War of the Robots owes more to Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires and even more to Gerry Anderson's British sci-fi television series UFO than it does Star Wars. It is from psychedelic space adventures like these that Brescia seems to be cribbing all his notes (including an alien race that survives by harvesting the organs of other compatible races and putting most of his female cast in platinum bob haircut wigs), and as such, War of the Robots feels more like something that came before Star Wars. Heck, the UFOs in which the aliens travel are basically the UFOs from UFO, only realized with less of a budget than that television show probably enjoyed.

A lot of the science fiction in the 70s started striving to create some new, usually depressing realism, abandoning the gee-whiz pop art madness of the 1960s and opting instead for films that were dystopic and, at least in the eyes of those making them at the time, truer to a potential real future. Thus the grim setting of a film like Solyent Green, Ultimate Warrior, or Silent Running. For decades, science and the military had protected us, even when they were also responsible for creating whatever it was we need to be protected from (usually a giant scorpion or giant mantis or giant bald man in a diaper). After the turmoil of the 1960s, science fiction was much keener on appealing to the suspicious and, at times, misanthropic streak running through people. Science was our undoing, rather than our savior, and it was left to the survivor to pick up the pieces as best they could and spend their days waxing poetic about plants and wearing burlap tunics.


Star Wars ushered in a "new" era of science fiction that took the focus off grim prognostications about the future and placed the focus squarely on action and adventure, with films that were as much swashbuckler and fantasy as they were sci-fi. Few kids filed dutifully in to see Star Wars because they were interested to find out what it had to say about the threat of nuclear annihilation or because they wanted to reflect on how Gran Moff Tarkin was an allegory for the Nixon administration. It was meant to be a rolicking good adventure yarn, and for a population perhaps weary of being beaten over the head with the doom and gloom scenarios that filled the 1970s, it struck exactly the right chord.

I know there are those out there who will bemoan the fact that science fiction became more about adventure and daring-do and less about speculation and message, but I'm not among them. As much as I enjoy a heavy handed 70s sci-fi film, I also enjoy a good ol' pulpy adventure, and I think the universe is big enough to house them both. War of the Robots doesn't really strike me as having any particular type of message, although one could be forced from it if one was desperate. After all, this is a movie were science gets us in a pickle then flat out refuses to take even the simplest of steps to rectify the situation, leaving the solution to be found by two-fisted adventurers. Somewhere in there is a parallel to the gritty cop dramas of the 1970s, films in which bureaucracy and red tape cripple society, leaving criminals to run wild and free until one man, probably with an awesome mustache, steps forward with a willingness to circumvent the system and box in a few ears.

I don't think War of the Robots is trading in that sort of an agenda, though. I think, more than anything else, Alfonso Brescia just wanted to make a goofy science fiction film full of lens flares, metallic jumpsuits, and boopidy-boo-boo electronic music by Marcello Giombini (which I quite like). What you have here, then, is basically what would happen if you mashed the freewheelin' science fiction of the 60s together with the fashion and art design of Logan's Run. It's pretty glorious in that cut-rate way Italian sci-fi production design tends to be. Lots of tight, shiny vinyl, lots of Lycra jumpers, some bulky spacesuits, and perhaps my personal favorite: the crew uniforms that say "Trissi" on them, ostensibly because the spaceship is named Trissi, but in reality because the uniforms are just Trissi brand motorcycle outfits, and the filmmakers didn't have the time, money, or interest to remove the logo from the arm of the outfits.


Other key moments include the realization of space walking by turning the camera sideways and having an actor wave his arms around in front of a starry background painting. Suspending him by wires in front of the starry background would have just been too costly and complicated. Better than that, this is just footage recycled from Brescia's War of the Planets. And even better than that, War of the Robots uses it twice. Then there's the laser gun battle (keeping in mind that there are no animated rays; just flashlights in the shape of novelty ray guns) where they forgot to add sound effects and such, so it's just a scene of the good guys pointing their prop ray guns at the bad guys, who then fall down.

At some point, someone said they would probably need some sort of a story or something, so Brescia shrugged and came up with something that was probably a summary of the last few scripts he read. Thus you get space aliens kidnap a scientist, ummm, and then they're going to invade Earth...let's throw a romantic triangle in there for good measure...and look, really, as long as Antonio Sabato is in there wearing a bright red motorcycle helmet and we have a lot of animated ray gun effects (we don't, by the way), we should be good to go. And as long as they had a viewer as stupid and undemanding as me in mind, they were correct.

Pretty much the only reason this movie went into production was that someone noticed that had a lot of stuff laying around that was used on Brescia's previous War of the Planets and figured they might as well squeeze another movie or two out of it. And if they were doing that, they might as well hire the same basic cast, since they already fit into their costumes as well as anyone can fit into a pleather jumper. And since some of that model work of space ships and stations was so good the last time around, we might as well get some more mileage out of that. Maybe later we can use it all yet again in, oh, I don't know, an Alfonso Brescia directed space porno or something.

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posted by Keith at | 7 Comments


Monday, September 01, 2008

Deathsport

Release Year: 1978
Country: United States
Starring: David Carradine, Claudia Jennings, Richard Lynch, William Smithers, Will Walker, David McLean, Jesse Vint.
Writer: Nicholas Niciphor, Donald Stewart
Director: Nicholas Niciphor
Cinematographer: Gary Graver
Music: Andy Stein
Producer: Roger Corman
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


Sure, I love a challenge. Anyway, that's what I tell myself. Actually, I think I only love challenges that I am pretty sure ahead of time I can conquer. Stuff like, "Well, sir, I believe I can eat half a dozen red velvet cupcake in a single sitting!" And as to that challenge: mission accomplished! There are other challenges, however, that I am more hesitant to accept. When I recently set about the task of converting all my old VHS tapes to DVD-R, I started rediscovering a lot of films I hadn't watched in years, not since first I plucked them out of the dollar bin at whatever video store was trying to get rid of them. It was a big chore, because I had a lot of VHS tapes, and some of them were copyguarded for reasons I will never fathom. Who in the hell copyguards Gor or Jungle Raiders or Archer: Fugitive from the Empire? You should be happy that I watched that crap at all, let alone bought it. I think the least you can do so long after the fact is let me save a little shelf space by copying them to DVD-R.

Half those tapes are so old and worn at this point that they could snap at any moment, and what then? Sure, a lot of junk I was copying came out on DVD during the process. In those instances, even when I was reminding myself how much I hated the movie, I still bought the DVD. Because, you know, who doesn't need movies like Kill Zone starring David Carradine or Future Force, also starring David Carradine, on DVD? I spent money on that shit, people. I'm 36 years old, have -$45 to my name right now, and haven't eaten in a day because I have to make it to pay day, but you can bet your ass I own a copy of Future Force on DVD. But what happens when Archer: Fugitive from the Empire finally gets eaten by my aging VCR? What happens when The Barbarians can't be played anymore? You haven't put that stuff out on DVD for me, and you won't let me back up my old VHS. Do you know what the world will lose when a movie in which two twin bodybuilders defend a band of jugglers vanishes from memory? Do you want to shoulder the responsibility? Would anyone even want to live in a world where Jungle Raiders starring Lee Van Cleef is naught but a legend, whispered about by aborigines huddled around a campfire?


Still, there were many more films I was able to copy over for posterity's sake, doing my part to preserve cinematic history in the form of The One-Armed Executioner and Warriors of the Apocalypse. And recently I started watching them all again, enjoying the same crappy VHS quality with tracking problems and picture flaws caused by wrinkles in the tape, but now on DVD, ready to be preserved digitally for future generations who might one day wander up to their parents, provided such primitive family units still exist, and ask them, "Mummy, whatever became of Solar Force starring Michael Pare?" And this future parental units will be able to blow some dust off an old CD/DVD storage album, extract that shining gold disc from its sleeve, and tell your young one, "Luckily, some asshole backed up his VHS copy of it, so here you go."

So I decided to take my holy assignment one step forward and make sure I reviewed as many of these films as possible, because the internet is going to last forever, and one day we will create sentient computers by downloading the whole of human knowledge as represented by the contents of the world wide web into it's databases. At that time, the computer will become a living, thinking creature. It will also be an idiot, thanks to the fact that most of what's on the internet is blogs written from the viewpoint of someone's cat or reviews of movies like Solar Force starring Michael Pare. What I wasn't prepared for, but what I was delightful to be reminded of, was just how incredibly bent many of the movies -- most of which come from those heady Reagen years -- ended up being. Writing about some of them was really going to put me to the test. So many of them just don't make a lick of sense. Dare one even wander into the minefield of dissecting a film where nuns in bikinis roller skate across a post-apocalyptic wasteland and fight a rubber puppet? I mean, you can still get stuff like that these days, but it's done with intentional camp and irony. What a difference it makes when you have a movie like the one I just described, but it's totally serious!


Well, I am nothing if not a trooper, willing to bleed for my art. So I assembled what is, to me, an impressive line-up of goofball awesomeness from the late 70s and entire 1980s, maybe with a smattering of the 90s for good measure. Call it Project VHS. Some of these films have indeed come out on DVD since I initially copied my old tapes. Many remain missing in action. Some are more competent than others. A surprisingly large number of them star David Carradine. And while there are some movies that remain absent because I simply didn't have a chance to buy them on discounted VHS and they aren't currently on DVD -- when, O Lord, will I finally own a copy of Rollerblade Warriors: Taken By Force starring Kathleen Kinmont or Ultra Warrior starring Dack Rambo -- I feel that there is more than enough meat here to keep us all happy and reeling about in neon-drenched memories like one of those dogs who decides suddenly for reasons known only unto canines to lie on its back and squirm around in the grass, all the while grunting with some pleasure we humans will never fully comprehend. Sometimes I may be at a loss for words. I may falter and get distracted -- the summer of 2008 has already seen me launch then abruptly abandon plans for another Netflix Diary and a series about movies in which people from the ocean attack us landlubbers. But I shall do my best.


And I can think of no more appropriate a fashion to start things off than with a VHS tape I used to cherish and recently upgraded to the special edition DVD just this week. It has everything you'd want and wouldn't want in a movie of this type. Roger Corman? Check. Claudia Jennings in the nude? Check. Stupid looking futuristic motorcycles? Check. Richard Lynch? Check. Random explosions? Check. David Carradine in a loincloth, frequently shot from a low angle so that his scantily clad crotch fills the whole screen? Check! I bet your 57 inch plasma screen HDTV isn't as cool to you now as it was before David Carradine's crotch was displayed on it, is it?

In 1975, exploitation film master Roger Corman produced one of his very best films. Combining a wicked sense of campy humor, a healthy dose of violence, and an angry satirical edge, Death Race 2000, directed by Paul Bartel, was the best things to bear Corman's name (as producer) since Corman himself was directing cool horror films based on Edgar Allan Poe stories for AIP. Always keen to make a buck, Corman immediately set about creating another vehicle-based futuristic fling, albeit one with a lot less of a budget -- even for a Corman flick -- and a much less talented writer and director. Corman would do his best to make people think it was related in some way to Death Race 2000 by calling the new film Deathsport and casting David Carradine in the lead. But the similarities end there, and while Death Race 2000 is a genuinely good, enjoyable, and even smart film, Deathsport is an incompetent piece of junk with almost nothing to offer humanity. Predictably, I do not own Death Race 2000 and have only seen it once. I do, however, own Deathsport in two different formats now and have watched it at least half a dozen times.


We find ourselves in "the future," something like a thousand years from now, after the wars have turned the world into a vast tract of scrubland and desert. The remnants of the human race live in fortress style city-states and are called statesmen, leaving the majority of the blighted world to be the domain of mutant cannibals and a race of mystic wanderers known as range guides. Machines are rare, used only by the "statesmen" -- people who live in the cities. So, wait. Didn't you just tell us that pretty much everyone lives in the city and is a statesman? Now I haven't been good at math or logic since sixth grade, but I'm pretty sure that if almost everyone is a statesmen, and only statesmen use machines, then almost everyone uses machines. So I don't see what's so special about it.

The mad leader of Helix City, Lord Zirpola (David McClean), wants to attack a neighboring city for no real reason we can understand other than he is mad and evil. To accomplish this act of war, he has invented the future's ultimate weapon: a motorcycle with some aluminum attached to the front end, and two lasers on the side that are of the same power as lasers people carry and fire by hand, only the lasers on the so-called "death machines" are more awesome because they are a hell of a lot harder to aim. Zirpola wants to prove to his people that the death machines are super bad-ass, so he decides to capture some range guides and showcase their obliteration by death machine in the city's gladiatorial "deathsport." This will convince the population that an unjustified war with the other city will be fun and easy, so long as everyone is riding a death machine.


The future as projected by the cheap sci-fi films of the 70s and 80s is jam packed with incredibly lame ultimate weapons. The death machines are pretty high up on the list, though they will pale in comparison to some of the other ultimate weapons we'll be seeing later in this series of reviews. The death machines may be stupid and unwieldy as weapons, but at least they are still motorcycles. At the very least, you can ride them around and have fun up until Barry Bostwick shows up on his own futuristic motorcycle with crap attached to the front end and brags about how his can also fly. But still, when we first see the death machines in action, a couple female range guides, one of whom is the late Gator Bait herself, Claudia Jennings, take them out with no real problem. Range guide Kaz Oshay (Carradine) will also take a few out all by himself -- and range guides are armed with nothing but clear plastic swords that whistle when you swing them around. I'm pretty sure I had a toy that did the same thing. That's all it takes to make a death machine explode? At no point, though, does the army of Helix City think that the death machines are a stupid idea, let alone an especially stupid idea in a world with lots of tall, steep rock formations people have no problem scurrying up to escape the death machines. Oh if only Lord Zirpola has listened to Barry Bostwick and put rocket wings on the motorcycles!

Eventually Carradine's Kaz and Jenning's Deneer are captured, though that has less to do with the death machines than it does sheer force of numbers. They come face to face with the leader of Helix City's army, the black-clad Richard Lynch. Yes, his character has a name (Ankar Moor), but anyone who knows Richard Lynch knows that he plays the same evil guy character in every movie, so we might as well just call him Richard Lynch. I guess the same could be said of David Carradine as well. Lynch has the sinister air of a young Rutger Hauer crossbred with the condescending sneer of William Atherton and the hair of Gladiator Malibu from the 80s version of American Gladiators. Can even David Carradine stand up to such a foe?


It turns out that not only is Richard Lynch evil, but he's also a former range guide who betrayed The Code and killed the most powerful of all range guides, who just happens to be Kaz Oshay's mom. Deneer and Kaz don't take too kindly to being caged like animals. While Kaz kicks the wall a lot and yells "I am my only master," Deneer is made to wander around nude in a room full of neon tubes that shake around, howl, and electrocute people. Don't ask me, man. I didn't write it. Eventually, the two guides are forced to compete against the death machines in deathsport, an event that takes up about ten minutes of the film's running time and has almost no real bearing on the plot, but is never the less the source of the title. Earlier in the film, Zirpola was angry that Ankor Moor lost a couple death machines whilst pursuing Claudia Jennings, yet here he seems unphased by the fact that the two captive rangers take out like a dozen of the infernal contraptions. Maybe if he'd put trained soldiers on the machines instead of chumps he just picked out of jail, his little dog and pony show would have gone better. The two rangers escape along with a couple hangers on, thus ending the deathsport portion of Deathsport. All that's left now is for the bad guys to chase the good guys across the barren wasteland until we get a final showdown between Kaz Oshay and Ankor Moor. All in all, Zirpola's death machine coming out party went over about as well as one of those corporate seminars where the presenter has all his stuff stored online and then can't get an internet connection (possibly because the internet has become sentient and is too preoccupied with cataloging its vast store of Naruto slashfic).

To enumerate the various points at which the plot doesn't make any sense would be to wandering into a Minotaur's labyrinth from which there is no real hope of emerging alive. The death machines having already been covered as being idiotic, we could turn to how much is made of Carradine's ability to sense the coming of dangerous weather, which leads to him predicting the coming of dangerous weather, which leads to a scene of people going "The dangerous weather is coming," which then leads immediately to a scene of people coming out of a cave and going, "Whew, I sure am glad that dangerous weather is over." Cannibal mutants kidnap a little girl, and one assumes that the reason cannibal mutants would kidnap a little girl is to eat her. But weeks later, when Kaz and Deneer finally show up to rescue her, she's still there. I guess they wanted to soften up the meat. The cannibal mutants had her in a little cage, after all, so I reckon that the world may have collapsed but our love of veal has not. There are also multiple scenes were someone who is supposed to get killed stands right in front of a death machine, but instead of shooting the person with the lasers, the guy on the death machine just does a little wheelie or jumps over a convenient dirt pile next to the person. And then usually the death machine explodes. You may not have realized that hitting a motorcycle with a clear plastic sword would make it explode, but that's why you're not a range guide.


And then there's the matter of Lord Zirpola's neon tube torture forest. Seriously, just what the hell? I mean, I can understand having a chamber where people dance naked for you. And I can understand that in the future, poledancer poles will need to be more futuristic, and thus making them transparent tubes filled with flashing neon lights is inevitable. But what kind of torture is it to then make them shake all around and howl? That's not torture; that's just ugly windchimes, and you can get those all over the place down South. Still, at least the movie does right by us and has not one but two gratuitous scenes of nude dancing in the neon tube forest, one of which goes on for a while and features a woman (Valerie Rae Clark, star of...ummm...Breast Orgy and Breast Orgy 2) we've never seen before and will never see again but, for some reason, apart from dancing nude, also gets to kill Lord Zirpola by...umm...offering her hand to him while he's busy making the tubes shock her or whatever it is they do. Zirpola also has a torture tunnel where he straps you down and flashes lights at you, causing you to scream. This requires Claudia Jennings to be nude for the torture to work. Luckily, it does not require the same of David Carradine.

So let me address this right here. David Carradine in his youth -- not really a bad looking guy. In pretty good shape. But the loincloth simply does not become him. It becomes very few men, especially when they are shot from such awkward angles, like leaping spread legged through the air or rolling around on their back with their legs stuck up. It's just not a good angle. That's why you don't see male strippers constantly jumping all spread eagle off the backs of chairs and stuff. They know that it looks goofy. They'll straddle a chair, but they'll never jump awkwardly off it. And when it comes to rolling around on their backs in a crouching position, they're going to skip that and fill the time with a little trick I like to call "around the world." So while we get to see plenty of David Carradine flesh, most of it is unwelcome because it just ends up looking so goofy. Still, I suppose we should be happy he wasn't forced to do full frontal nude dancing in the forest of shaking, howling neon tubes.


Probably my favorite part of the movie is when Kaz Oshay leads Ankor and his minions on a motorcycle race through a fuel depot which has no reason to exist out in the middle of the desert. The depot is full of gasoline barrels stacked apparently at random throughout the facility, sometimes in front of ramps so that people can jump their motorcycles through flames once the barrels have inevitably exploded. In classic Corman fashion, scenes of jumping motorcycles are recycled a few times to increase the number of times we get to watch a guy jump a motorcycle over some candy cane colored barrels. This fuel depot was apparently built by the same people who were doing the construction on the building where Jackie Chan has his final fight scene in Mr. Nice Guy. If you don't recall or never saw the film, that building features a framed-up but not entirely drywalled floor that was apparently comprised of nothing but hundreds of 5x5 rooms with doors in every wall. It was fun for a fight scene, but really, what the hell were they building?

Watching Deathsport is mind-bending enough on its own right, but where the film really shines is in the backstage drama. The movie was written by Nicholas Niciphor. Though he had no experience as a director, Niciphor was also hired to direct -- presumably because the vision for Deathsport was so grand and amazing that only the film's writer could hope to fully realize it, or something. Now, who you believe about what has a lot to do with sorting out what happened, but I'm going mostly with David Carradine's version. According to Carradine, Niciphor was not only inexperienced, he was also unstable. He was so clueless about directing that he didn't even now what it meant to set up a camera. He was prone to freak out, especially at Claudia Jennings or whenever anyone had trouble maneuvering the awkward death machines. According to Niciphor, this was often because the cast was drunk, stoned, and unruly, especially Jennings. I don't really doubt it. Carradine himself admits that there was a bit of partying going on. Former Playboy Playmate Claudia Jennings was well known as a wild child anyway. But then, you're making Deathsport. What the hell is there to be so serious about? Niciphor, however, was deadly serious about his film, and if the cast was clowning around, it only served to push him further over the edge. If things didn't go right on the first take, he would throw a fit and throw out the entire scene and brood about it.


Things came to a head when he tore into Jennings over her inability to effectively handle the clunky death machines. Everyone was having problems with the front-heavy contraptions, but Jennings in particular irked him. It got so heated that Niciphor allegedly struck Jennings, though David Carradine says he can't verify this since he was down at the other end of a gully waiting to do a take. Jennings was ready to quit the movie, and it was only after speaking with the producer who then spoke to Roger Corman that she was convinced to stay on. Niciphor was eventually phased out, spending most of his time skulking in the background, and Alan Arkush was brought in to complete the film -- but not before Niciphor got his nose broken by David Carradine when he walked too close to a fight scene rehearsal in progress. Niciphor claims it might not have been an accident. But that's nothing, since apparently the temperamental (or perhaps just mental) writer-director also berated Jennings and Carradine to the point where David actually just hauled off and kicked the guy's ass.

Niciphor refutes many of the claims without actually refuting them. According to his side of things, the altercation between he and Claudia Jennings happened because Jennings was coked out while trying to operate the death machine, and that's why she was having a hard time. I don't think that's outside the realm of possibility. Jenning's cocaine addiction was well known. Niciphor further claims that Carradine was smoking hashish the whole time. Again, I don't think this is outside the realm of believability -- especially when you witness how stoned Carradine looks for most of the movie. But none of this really counters any of what Carradine said, either. The entire thing sounds like a snobs versus slobs teen sex comedy, with Carradine and Jennings cast and the lovable freewheelin' slobs and Niciphor as the stuffy dean who hates fun. Assuming that the truth is to be found in some mix of all sides of the story, the final verdict is that the the making of Deathsport would probably be a much better film than Deathsport itself.

Things like that are why I like movies like this so much -- apart from the fact that this movie is just plain weird. It's handled with such seriousness, with such earnestness. You can feel that poor Nicholas Niciphor really believed in every line, really wanted this film to have meaning and depth. Does a film this lousy really deserve that much behind the scenes drama? I would love for the DVD to have had some commentary attached to it, either by Carradine or Niciphor -- or hell, put 'em both in the room and let them duke it out. This was the first and last time poor Nick directed a film, though he did go on to work as a writer for a few more films, including Alejandro Jodorowski's Tusk. Beyond that, he's been relegated to the realm of writing irate letters to Psychotronic magazine, complaining about David Carradine's doobie habits in 1978.


Carradine, of course, needs no real introduction here. A dancer who sprung into the American consciousness courtesy of the show Kung-Fu, Carradine went on to become one of the mainstays of exploitation cinema, especially when it was produced by Roger Corman. Carradine could be quite good in a role, and when he was bad, he mostly seemed harmlessly sleepy and stoned. That's how he plays it here, meandering through Niciphor's ponderous faux-mystic dialogue with the laid back style of a dude who was eating a lot of pot brownies. His fight scenes are awkward, but that's more the fault of the movie itself. What can you do when you're forced to swing around a huge plastic sword? His nemesis in Richard Lynch is...well, Lynch is actually understated compared to some of his other performances, but it's still the exact same performance you expect and always want from Lynch. I can't say much more than that.

Claudia Jennings is another well known, albeit far more tragic, figure in B-Movie history. Jennings became one of the most recognizable faces in exploitation cinema when she appeared in the film Gator Bait, which is well known not so much because the movie is worth being well known, but more because every single video store in the universe seemed to have a sun bleached copy of the VHS tape sitting on the shelf. Jennings isn't a great actress, and she has a sort of sleepy eyed beauty that makes her seem like she was stoned the entire time -- which she apparently was. Between her and Carradine, the munchies-related catering bill must have eaten up half the film's budget. She had her moments of glory in film, though. Unholy Rollers, for example, and Moonshine County Express. Deathsport really isn't one of those moments, though she does get to wander naked through that neon tube room. This film comes at the end of her career, when she was heavy into drug and alcohol abuse and had a tumultuous relationship with some real estate guy (though rumors have her connected to Deathsport co-star Jesse Vint, and someone -- Niciphor I think -- also claimed she was attached to David Carradine, a claim that Carradine laughs off as preposterous). She cleaned up her act shortly thereafter, but amid a breakup with the realtor, fell asleep at the wheel of her car and was killed in the ensuing wreck.

But even if Jennings and Carradine were whooping it up, smoking pot, drinking whiskey, and arranging huge Deathsport orgies, nothing in their performance can come close to being as awkward or awful as that of young Will Walker, who plays one of the guys who breaks out of the deathsport competition with the range guides. This is one of those performances that is so weird and horrible that it deserves far more attention than it receives. He looks kind of like Miles O'Keefe in Sword of the Valiant, with the blond page boy haircut and the same dazed thousand yard stare. But Miles is a much better actor than Walker, believe it or not. Walker's character of Marcus spends most of his time yelling "Kaz! Help me!" in a bland monotone. If the film has an humor at all, it's to be found in Kaz's flashes of annoyance at having to carry this load around on his awesome adventure with Claudia Jennings. She was totally willing to go all the way, but then Marcus kept showing up and ruining the mood.

Post apocalyptic cinema from the 1970s was often slow and ponderous, not to mention incredibly self-important and pretentious. Sometimes the results are pretty great, sometimes they were ridiculous, and often they were just dull. Deathsport is sort of a missing link between the post apocalyptic films of the 70s and those that would come in the wake of Mad Max and, more importantly, its sequel, The Road Warrior. Those films featured much less cornball philosophizing and much more high octane action. Or at least attempts at high octane action. Deathsport has plenty of the corny mysticism and dime store attempts at Zen koans that one expects from 1970s sci-fi, but it also has lots of exploding motorcycles and...well...it has lots of exploding motorcycles. And it is one of the first post-apocalypse films to save itself some cash by predicting that, in the future, the world would mostly look like scrubland dotted with matte paintings of distant cities. It's pretty fair to draw the line from this movie directly to Mad Max, Road Warrior, and from there you quickly find yourself in the domain of Warriors of the Lost World and Warlords of the 21st Century -- movies that, many years after Deathsport, manage to be just as cheap and goofy as it was, but not nearly as much fun. I mean, those later movies have practically no David Carradine crotch at all!


Deathsport presents us with a loopy sort of myticism not unlike The Force as presented in Star Wars and before George Lucas turned it into some sort of genetic disease, but more accurately, it reflects the same sort of New Age filtered half understanding of Buddhism and spirituality that you find in a movie like Circle of Iron (also featuring David Carradine in a loin cloth) or in pretty much any pow wow held by some white dude claiming to be enlightened. Our range guides speak in monotone a lot about consciousness and spiritual union, and we know they are wise because they do not use contractions, but it all sounds pretty much like what a high schooler might come up with. Circle of Iron covers much of the same ground but in a more effective way and with a greater grounding in actual Zen philosophy rather than Zen as filtered through some hippie who read a couple pamphlets and then set himself up with an American ashram. But we'll come to that movie in good time, and if nothing else, it's probably safe to say that as many hashish brownies went into its making as went into the making of Deathsport. Star Wars must also have had some effect on this film, though, because the foley artist thought enough of it to take the TIE fighter sound effect and use them whenever David Carradine drives his motorcycle through a tunnel.

Deathsport is a pretty clumsy film, full of bad writing, plot points that make no sense, ominous talk about things that end up never happening, and a titular event that ends up being, at best, a footnote in the film's action. The acting is lazy, the writing is ridiculous, and the props are laughable. And it's all worth seeing, just for the sheer spectacle of it. Ill advised motorcycles as ultimate weapons movies wouldn't have it this good again until Megaforce rolled off the assembly line. The fact that a movie this bad generated so much behind the scenes drama fills me with a sick sense of giddiness, as does the thought that Carradine and Jennings were toking up while an uptight German guy yelled at them to take his film more seriously. I don't even know if Nick was German. I just like imagining him that way, possibly dressed in the monocle and jodhpurs get up all good directors wear. It may not be a shining example of 70s scifi, or even a shining example of a middling roger Corman production, but it is pretty entertaining. Plus, neon disco windchime nude dancing, and so many David Carradine buffalo shots per minute that to merely gaze upon them is enough to drive sane men mad.

Perhaps that's what happened to poor old Lord Zirpola.

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posted by Keith at | 9 Comments


Saturday, April 26, 2008

Be-Sharam

Release Year: 1978
Country: India
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Sharmila Tagore, Amjad Khan, Nirupa Roy, Deven Verma, Bindu, Helen, Urmila Bhatt, Uma Dhawan, Dhumal, A.K. Hangal, Iftekhar, Imtiaz, Jagdish Raj
Director: Deven Verma
Writers: Nerupama, Rahi Masoom Raza, Nayyar Jehan
Cinematographer: A.K. Nigam
Music: Kalyanji-Anandji
Producer: Deven Verma


If you wanted to, it seems like you could draw up a sort of family tree of the films Indian superstar Amitabh Bachchan made during his late seventies to mid eighties prime, tracing each of those movies' origins along three very distinct lines, each leading back to a particular career-defining blockbuster that provided the template for much of what was to come. Of course, while Bachchan would star in films that were virtual remakes of Deewaar, Sholay and Don over the course of his career, the lines leading back to those three classics would not always be perfectly straight. For one would also have to consider films like 1978's Be-Sharam, which draw upon elements of all three.

Be-Sharam probably bears the strongest resemblance to 1978's Don because, like that film, it's a tale--set against a funky urban backdrop--of a peaceful innocent masquerading as a suave underworld figure. At the same time, like the "angry young man" movies that descended from Deewaar, it includes the theme of the martyred father--his life taken and good name tarnished by the forces of corruption--whose fate motivates the actions of the main character. Finally, as in Sholay, Bachchan is faced with a larger-than-life, seemingly unstoppable villain, who is here played by the very same actor who essayed that role in Sholay, Amjad Khan--who here makes just one of the numerous bad guy turns his iconic portrayal of Sholay's Gabbar Singh appears to have doomed him to.


Now, what Be-Sheram does with these combined elements is nothing original, but it does distill them quite nicely--making the violence nice and bloody, the men's wear as funky-hideous as you could ask for--and wraps them up in a nice, fairly tight little package. In fact, while lacking the sheen and dramatic flair of its more crafted antecedents, it may exceed some of them in terms of consistent--by Bollywood standards, mind you--energy and pacing. All of which is to say that, yes, Be-Sheram is a by-the-numbers Amitabh action movie, but it's also a very good by-the-numbers Amitabh action movie.

In Be-Sheram, Bachchan plays Ram, a humble insurance agent whose father, a righteous man and dedicated pacifist, manages to get elected to public office despite ample interference from the aforementioned forces of corruption. One of these shadowy figures behind the scenes is Prince Digvijay Singh (Khan), who, like the seedy remnant of monarchy that he is, finds the idea of adapting his lifestyle to one amenable to the rule of law and democratic will distasteful. Singh dispatches his sister, the Princess Rinku (Sharmila Tagore) to insinuate herself into young Ram's life by posing as a slumming college student, and thus keep tabs on the family's movements. Of course, Rinku quickly falls in love with Ram in earnest, leaving the Prince to consider plan B.


Since no honest man can survive long in such a hotbed of malfeasance, the enemies of Ram's father soon succeed in embroiling him in a manufactured scandal and driving him from office, after which he dies in an apparent suicide. The grieving Ram is promptly called to the office of the police commissioner (played by Iftekhar, who played a virtually identical role in Don), who informs him that his father's death was actually a murder, and that it was perpetrated by the forces of a mysterious drug smuggling kingpin known only as Mr. Dharamdas. Furthermore, the commissioner tells him, the authorities have reason to believe that Mr. Dharamdas and the Prince are one in the same, but have yet to find the proof, since the base of his smuggling operation remains hidden. Being that the grieving son of a murder victim who has no training in law enforcement is the ideal choice to take part in a delicate undercover operation, the commissioner asks Ram to pose as a fellow smuggler in order to gain the Prince's confidence and get the information needed to bring him in.

The commissioner makes some reference to giving Ram some kind of "training" which we don't actually get to see, but the next time we see Ram, it's obvious that that training mainly involved him learning how to be a seventies-style badass. Posing as a South African diamond smuggler with the very un-South African name of Chandrashekar, Ram glides through the upper reaches of the underworld swathed in hip-hugging seventies finery with fists always at the ready to do his talking. Of course, everyone is fooled, including--initially--Princess Rinku (because, I suppose, exact duplicates of people are always turning up in these movies, and hence pose no particular cause for concern). Now armed with professional police training in suavity and sweet talk, Ram/Chandrashekar sets about romancing both Rinku and the Prince's mistress Manju in order to gain access to the inner circle, thus setting the stage for his confrontation with the Prince.




And the Prince, as portrayed by Amjad Khan, is a winning amalgam of all of that actor's most time-tested villainous tics--blessed with a sweaty brow, leering eyes, and a tendency toward bouts of unhinged giggling. Khan is a master of a particular style of slow-burn, maniacal tantrum, which starts out quietly and tentatively, with a hint of wounded sincerity, then subtly becomes more taunting until, suddenly, like a Pixies song, it burst into full blown homicidal rage. In fact, just as Be-Sharam is a workmanlike distillation of a certain type of Amitabh movie, Khan's performance in it is a workmanlike distillation of the type of performances he typically gives in those movies. Which is not to say that the Prince is a generic character, by any means. For one, his obsessive fondness for snakes and trademark use of cobras to dispatch his enemies both sets him apart from his peers and makes for some of the film's best moments.

Scattered among the cobra killings, fistfights, and Amitabh's modeling of the latest fashions, Be-Sharam, of course, features musical numbers. Lucky for us, these are all written by Kalyanji-Anandji, a team that has become a staple of hipster Bollywood music comps thanks to their hard hindi-funk soundtracks to movies like Don, Qurbani, and Bombay 405 Miles. In addition to their driving, wah-wah drenched instrumentals, the duo also had a knack for writing extremely catchy, Western pop flavored songs, of which many of the songs in Be-Sharam are fine examples. The song "Mere Kis Kaam Ki" in particular will stick in your head for days. But, in terms of presentation, my favorite number has got to be "Iraade Dil Tumhara", a climactic piece featuring Bollywood dance queen Helen. Leading us into the film's explosive final act, this bit follows something of a tradition for such numbers, in which the hero sits impassively listening while an anonymous item girl sings about all of the bad things that are about to happen to him. Strangely enough, this song follows not too far on the heels of one in which Ram similarly watches Princess Rinku performing in a pageant and is struck by the fact that she is singing about how she has seen through his disguise. Helen, similarly, sings of how Ram's cover has been blown--and with much more at stake--but this time the message is lost on him. Without spelling out too much, the consequence of his heedlessness leads to a prolonged brawl involving a hidden lair beneath a cemetery, a tiger pit, snake wrestling and, of course, Ram's mom (played, as is so often the case in Amitabh's films of this vintage, by Nirupa Roy).




While comparatively lean, Be-Sharam still bulges in places with the type of padding that we've come to rely on from Bollywood. (How else, after all, would the film reach its full two-and-a-half-hour running time?) Probably the most obvious example of this is the screen appearance by the film's director, Deven Verma, who--anticipating Eddie Murphy's midlife career by a good thirty-odd years--not only plays Ram's comic relief buddy, Laxman, but also Laxman's comic relief mom and comic relief dad, none of whom seem to have much utility in terms of the actual story--and whose comedic necessity in a film where a grown man wears a polka dot tuxedo with a straight face is doubtful at best. Despite this, however, Verma deserves credit as a director for his efforts elsewhere to streamline Be-Sharam, especially in his treatment of the film's elements of family drama--usually something of a narrative log-jam in these action films--which are here nicely integrated within the larger plot.

Further serving to grease Be-Sharam's narrative wheels is the fact that, while it cribs elements from some of Amitabh's most iconic films, unlike those films, it doesn't seem to have much in the way of larger themes of its own that it's trying to put across. As such, it can simply use it's resemblance to those other films as a terse signifier of those themes (the fetters of family honor, the value of friendship and community, etc.), while it goes briskly about its real business of being a violent and somewhat trashy little potboiler. This, of course, gives the movie something of a throwaway feel, but that just contributes all the more to it being such a fun experience. After all, if you're reading this review in the first place, you're well aware of the fact that a movie doesn't need to be a classic to be great. And while Be-Sharam is certainly no substitute for Deewaar or Sholay, there is something to be said for how it so compactly serves up the undiluted joys of Amitabh at his most funky and fightingest.

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posted by Todd at | 2 Comments


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Tony Falcon, Agent X-44: Sabotage

Release Year: 1978
Country: Philippines
Starring: Tony Ferrer, Azenith Briones, Olivia O'Hara, Mike Cohen, Charlie Davao, Alex Bolado, Romy Diaz, Jim Gaines, Val Iglesias, Ramon Revilla, Nick Romano, Rey Sagum
Director: Efren C. Pinon
Cinematographer: Juanito "Jun" Pereira
Music: Ernani Cuenco
Producer: Margarita Productions
Alternate Titles: Sabotage 2


The road that lead me to Tony Falcon, Agent X-44: Sabotage was, as is often the case with these things, a somewhat long and circuitous one. It began when I was watching the third Christopher Lee Fu Manchu movie, the Shaw Brothers co-produced The Vengeance of Fu Manchu, on TV, and found my attention drawn to the actor Tony Ferrer, who was playing the fairly substantial supporting role of Shanghai Police Inspector Ramos. Ferrer was certainly charismatic, and handled himself admirably in his action scenes. But what really struck me was that here was a Filipino actor playing a character whom the filmmakers had gone out of their way to identify as Filipino (why, after all, name a Shanghai policeman "Ramos"?). Given that this was a film in which a pasty-faced Englishman with putty on his eyelids was being sold as Chinese, made at a time when few in the movie business were losing sleep over whether their Asian casting was race or nationality appropriate, this seemed to me like an unusual consideration. Furthermore, while a character such as his would normally have had a pretty limited lifespan in a movie of this type, Ferrer survived to the end of the movie, playing a decidedly heroic role in the climax. These factors combined gave me a strong hunch that, while Tony Ferrer may have been a nobody to a large portion of The Vengeance of Fu Manchu's international audience, somewhere he was a big, big star.

With a geek fire of white hot intensity now raging beneath me, I set to digging, and before too long found that Tony Ferrer was indeed a big, big star in the Philippines--and that he was known as "The Filipino James Bond" thanks to his recurring role as secret agent Tony Falcon, Agent X-44. Starting out as a contract player with his older brother Espiridion Laxa's company Tagalong Ilang Ilang Productions (the company responsible for introducing some of the biggest action stars of Filipino cinema, including Fernando Poe Jr., aka "FPJ"), Ferrer had a fairly undistinguished early career, consisting mostly of supporting roles. This changed in 1965 when his brother developed the Agent X-44 character with him in mind, casting him in the first of a hastily churned out series of films helmed by director and cult film actor Eddie Garcia. Within a year, the Tony Falcon films had become a bona fide phenomenon in the Philippines, and the series would go on to chalk up somewhere around twenty entries, spanning from the mid-sixties to the early eighties.




With this new information turning tantalizing cartwheels in my brain, I was now, of course, dying to see these movies. Unfortunately, I had to steel myself for the probability that this simply would not be possible. Film preservation was a foreign concept to the Philippines until only very recently, and the more distant a film's vintage, the more likely it is to have long ago returned to the dust from which it came. This is a real shame, because from what I've gathered, the Filipino popular film industry of the sixties was very similar to its Turkish counterpart: As prolific as it was impoverished, and with a profligate disregard for copyrights, it churned out hundreds of films a year at a combined cost that would fund one decent-sized Hollywood production, those films loaded with spies and goofy costumed heroes, including undisguised versions of Batman, Robin and Superman. (Not to mention, I imagine, Jesus showing up to make someone bleed out of their eyes or something--because the three things I've come to count on from Filipino genre cinema are singing, violence and, wherever you'd least expect it to pop up, jarring evidence of the particularly punitive brand of Catholicism that holds much of the country in its thrall). Despite my pessimism, however, and after a few months of rooting around, the gray market came through for me, and I eventually came into possession of an example of Agent X-44's impressively voluminous screen output.

The 1966 film Sabotage was not the first Tony Falcon film. In fact, there were at least five other entries in the series produced that same year. But it was the first to launch the series as a true phenomenon, as well as Ferrer's career as a superstar in his home country. The film premiered at the first Manila Film Festival--a festival dedicated to showcasing the country's homegrown movie industry--and out-grossed all of the other films on the program. Like pretty much everywhere else in the world, the Philippines was going through a major spy craze at the time, and there would be a number of other film franchises starring super secret agents of their own--Bernard Bonnin as Agent 707, Alberto Alonzo as Agent 69 and Eddie Fernandez as Lagalag among them--but, from the time of Sabotage's release on, Tony Falcon was the undisputed box office champ above all.




Of course, I should make clear that the particular Tony Falcon film that I had come into possession of was not, as I had hoped and expected, the original 1966 Sabotage, but rather the re-titled international release of another film from the Tony Falcon series' waning years, 1978's Sabotage 2. Furthermore, as is often the case with these things, the currently circulating copy of Sabotage is of a quality similar to what you might expect a broadcast signal intercepted from a very distant planet to look like--given that very distant planet is very dark and perhaps underwater. So, while I was looking forward to tasting a new flavor of 1960s secret agent cool--or, at least, a woefully underfunded and technically over-matched facsimile of same--I now had to resign myself to the fact that what I was actually going to be tasting was something quite different and probably a lot less savory.

Or perhaps not. Because Sabotage is indeed a rich slab of nada-budget cinematic cheese. Ferrer was sporting a noticeable paunch by this time, a state of affairs that Tony Falcon's trademark white suits did little to improve upon. Still the actor is commendably game, always ready to dole out some spirited faux kung fu whenever the action requires. But what's most impressive about Sabotage is how, by way of its by-necessity minimalism and utilitarian aesthetic, it manages to strip the spy movie down to its essential elements, leaving us with what is basically a Roadrunner cartoon featuring people in suits and bikinis.




The film's action begins with a team of hired killers--a couple guys with mustaches, a hot chick, and an afro sporting, smooth talking Jim Kelly wannabe--discussing their intention to assassinate a visiting Latin American diplomat. After that we're immediately into the first assassination attempt, and from there to the arrival on the scene of the resplendently pompadoured Tony Falcon, who chases down the assassins in his car, doles out some faux fu and shoots at them. Another assassination attempt, in which Tony saves the diplomat from an exploding horse on a polo field, follows right on the heels of the first one, and then another, all leading to more chasing and shooting--and all, interestingly, played out with very little dialog. In fact, we don't hear Tony utter more than two isolated lines at a time until the final twenty minutes of the picture. What dialog there is, however, is all uttered in heavily accented English, rather than Tagalog as I had expected.

Once it's determined that they're not going to be able to assassinate the visiting Latin American diplomat with Tony Falcon showing up to chase and shoot at them all the time, the hired killers decide that they should start trying to assassinate Tony Falcon instead. What follows is a series of set pieces in which we get to see what Tony Falcon does in his free time. While most movie secret agents seem to cool their heels by lounging in swanky cocktail lounges, what Tony appears to be doing here is attending a series of wedding receptions that are complete with buffets and awkward, seemingly obligatory ballroom dancing. Then we see him waterskiing with one of his gal pals and, later, golfing. All of these activities, of course, are interrupted by the killers showing up to shoot bullets at Tony through scope rifles, after which he chases, fu's and shoots at them. These scenes also afford us an opportunity to marvel at some of Tony's high-tech spy gadgetry, including some X-Ray Specs that work just as advertised, rendering everyone they gaze upon naked while having no effect upon the strategically placed furniture and foliage that hides their nasties.




Finally we are introduced to Dr. Ivan Skovsky (Mike Cohen), a super villain who sits in a control room staffed by women in bikinis and men in orange jumpsuits, considerately making calls at regular intervals to an army officer named Campos to explain his motivations for doing all of the things he's having the hired killers do. These motivations, however, don't seem very well thought out--or, at least, Skovsky doesn't appear to be very committed to them. At first he want to assassinate the diplomat and extort just a bit of the Philippines' gold reserves. Then he wants to extort all of the Philippines' gold reserves under threat of him launching all kinds of nuclear missiles at the Philippines. When asked the very reasonable question of why he's interested in the Filipinos' gold in particular, he answers that he's not so much interested in the gold itself as he is in sending a message to the world that he means business. He figures that, once he has either extorted all of the Philippines' gold or annihilated the Philippines with all of his nuclear weapons, the rest of the world will simply lay down at his feet. This plan makes Skovsky come off more like a super-bully that a super-villain. After all, if you have to make an example of a country, why pick on one as poor and already troubled as the Philippines? It just doesn't seem very sporting.

Eventually, by means of donning a fake beard, Tony Falcon gains entry into Skovsky's secret compound, setting Sabotage's spectacular climax in motion. Because Sabotage is a zero-budget action film, this will involve a lot of helicopters--or, more accurately, one helicopter playing a bunch of different helicopters--because nothing says "production value" like a helicopter. This leads to one of my favorite out of all the helicopter-related, zero-budget action film scenarios, in which someone fires a handgun at an airborne helicopter and it explodes like it was made entirely of atom bombs. After that comes the paratrooper assault, which is accomplished by having exactly two guys dressed as paratroopers filmed from various angles and in different locations to give the appearance of being many. Finally, with these items ticked off the list of things you need in a spy movie, a model of the villain's compound is blown up and we're free to go home.




Just a couple of years after making Sabotage, Tony Ferrer would star in his final Tony Falcon feature, a team-up with Fernando Poe Jr. titled The Eagle and The Falcon. After that he would only revisit the character by way of cameo roles in other films that served as either direct references or knowing-but-vague homages, in both cases reflecting the enduring affection with which Agent X-44 was regarded by the Filipino movie-going public. The first of these was when Ferrer played the boss of Weng Weng--that leathery, pocket-sized star of both Filipino action cinema and my most disturbing nightmares--in For Y'ur Height Only, a fact which should clue people in that Weng Weng's Agent 00, with his blinding white suits, was as much an affectionate spoof of Tony Falcon as he was of James Bond. More recently, Ferrer reprised the Tony Falcon role in a 2007 comedic update of the character appropriately titled Agent X-44, in which he passed the torch to young star Vhong Navarro (who also starred in the Spider-Man spoof, Gagamboy). All of this is evidence that Ferrer has left a deep imprint on his country's popular culture and, while I have no doubt that his status is well deserved, it will take far more than a viewing of Sabotage alone to fully explain it.

To be honest, I would rather not have watched Sabotage. But to its credit, it didn't completely kill my desire to see some of the earlier entries in the Agent X-44 series. While the Tony Ferrer who's on display in this particular example doesn't present the most suave and sophisticated of secret agents, he is thoroughly likeable, and there's something in his manner that suggests perhaps an echo of something more fabulous. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that some day, if the gray market gods are willing, that murky, garbled artifact that is the nth generation bootleg of the genuine Tony Falcon, Agent X-44: Sabotage will make its way into my eager hands. Hey, nothing is beyond your reach when you dare to dream.

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posted by Todd at | 5 Comments


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Grapes of Death

Release Year: 1978
Country: France
Starring: Marie-Georges Pascal, Felix Marten, Serge Marquand, Mirella Rancelot, Patrice Valota, Patricia Cartier, Michel Herval, Brigitte Lahaie.
Writer: Christian Meunier and Jean Rollin
Director: Jean Rollin
Cinematographer: Claude Becognee
Producer: Claude Guedj
Music: Philippe Sissman
Original Title: Les Raisins de la mort
Alternate Titles: Pesticide
Availability: Buy it from Amazon.


"Dreams and life -- it's the same thing, or else it's not worth living." -- Baptiste, Jean Rollin's Les Enfants du Paradis

From time to time, I notice there are certain directors whose films I undeniably love yet always preface a positive review of with some manner of disclaimer along the lines of "not for everyone" or "you have to be in the right mind." More times than not, the director to which I'm referring is Jess Franco. However, this largely reflexive defensiveness could just as easily find itself employed in the shielding French director Jean Rollin. But I'm not going to fall back on any of that today, or any other day from here on out until I forget that I've just made this proclamation. I'm a big boy, after all, and its time to embrace my love of Jess Franco, Jean Rollin, and any other thoroughly cockeyed Eurocult director without any caveats or attempts to justify my love out of some ill-conceived sense of guilt that, because of some glowing review I might write of Blue Rita or La Vampire Nue, someone is going to go out and watch those movie and then wonder what the hell is going on. But really, that's not something of which I should be ashamed of or feel guilty over, is it? Because if more people were watching Diamonds of Kilimanjaro or Shivers of the Vampire, then that's a step in the right direction, isn't it? Provided you think the right direction is mod Euro starlets constantly taking off their clothes during psychedelic stripteases performed to crazy jazz music in some club decorated with pop art sensibilities on overdrive -- and you all know that's my vision of a perfect world. Also, I would be able to fly and turn invisible, and anything I carry is also invisible if I want it to be. And I am immortal.

I went through a couple decades and then some having never even heard of Jean Rollin. It wasn't until Cathal Tohill and Pete Tombs' book Immoral Tales that I heard mention of Rollin's name. While the description of Rollin's films seemed interesting, it was the smattering of stills that really entranced me, and not just because they were frequently of unclothed women. They were also of unclothed men. Because, you know, the French and all. Unfortunately, my new knowledge of Jean Rollin was not accompanied by an ability to actually see any of the movies about which I was reading. At the time, pretty much the only source for Jean Rollin films was Video Search of Miami, and having once ordered a video from them, I knew to never do it again. But then I noticed whilst browsing the videos at a local establishment that they had a couple Rollin films of dubious legality and questionable reproduction quality, but whatever. It only cost a buck-fifty for the rental, so I picked up a little something called Raisins de la Mort. Raisins of Death? That didn't sound too scary, even if the California Raisins sort of creeped me out. But it was also a zombie film, and up until very recently, when a long line of horrible shot on video zombie films did me in, I could never pass up a zombie film.


Then came the DVD explosion, and thanks to Redemption Video, a whole slew of Rollin films found their way into my collection and, it goes without saying, into my heart. Because, you know, the French and passion and all that. I learned a few things about Rollin, chief among them that the first of his films that I'd seen was not really typical of his output, which often revolved around vacant-eyed vampire girls in mod mini-dresses, when they had anything on at all. By comparison, Raisins de la Mort was almost an actual film. Most of the time, Rollin shot his films with the intent of achieving a surreal, logic-defying atmosphere. He also tended to shoot with almost no money, only amateur actors, and usually no script. The end results were often...complex...to digest. Rollin's first film, La Viol du Vampire, was made more or less on a whim by Rollin and a group of enthusiastic horror film fans. It was never meant to be much more than a fan film, and Rollin's goal was to pack a small theater with friends and friends of friends and have a fun night. As fate would have it, France happened to be in the middle of a slew of crazy demonstrations and riots, meaning that Rollin's little homemade experimental art-horror film was one of the only new films theater owners could get their hands on. And thus, Rollin found himself with an actual release on his hands -- albeit a poorly received release. Parisians may have been looking for a revolution in 1968, but not the one Rollin's film offered them.

But Jean Rollin continued unphased. After all, he never intended for his film to be embraced by a wide audience. Rollin had been raised by artist and, as a child, surrounded by luminaries and lunatics from the fringe of the art world, including a number of Surrealists. Their vision of art obviously informed Rollin's eventual work, and his repertoire is comprised largely of films that concentrate heavily on dreamy imagery, hallucinatory surrealism, and general weirdness. Sacrificed in the fray were things like logic, scripts, plot -- little things like that. European cult film directors have often been criticized for shuffling these things to the back burner, just as they've been praised for their ability to create amazing imagery and mood. I'm torn, since on the one hand, I like scripts and plots and feel that film is a medium in which so many aspects of art -- imagery, music, writing -- must come together. On the other hand, I really like a lot of these relatively plotless movies, and I have a tremendous capacity for extracting meaning from apparent meaningless. That's what you learn, kids, if you take film classes and work as a journalist who interviews both politicians and movie stars.


But that's a discussion for a different Rollin film, because we're here today to discuss one of his more accessible films, though it certainly has its fair share of Rollin's signature oddity. Compared to most of his work, though, Grapes of Death, as it is known this week, is positively comprehensible and well-planned.

For many of the cult film fans who might be familiar with Jean Rollin without being Jean Rollin fans, it's probably because of his infamous zombie film, Zombie Lake. The Internet certainly doesn't lack for coverage of this masterpiece of complete and utter incompetence, and lord knows I've done my part. The big difference between Rollin's usual bizarre output and Zombie Lake is that Zombie Lake is pretty much indefensible. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Zombie Lake. I might even watch it again tonight, but the incompetence on display there is purely born of a complete and total lack of interest in making a good movie, and not from some desire to make a weird, arty film. Given the reputation of Zombie Lake, which in turn has informed the opinion of many people who don't know Rollin for anything but Zombie Lake, delving once again into the rich, creamy lather of a Jean Rollin directed zombie film would seem...well, about as enticing as doing anything involving rich, creamy lather other than getting a good shave with a straight razor and dollop of heated shaving cream.


And while Grapes of Death may not be quite as satisfying as a good shave delivered by a talented barber who smells of menthol blended with spices and lower woodsy notes, it's still a heck of a lot better than Zombie Lake, and just as Rollin doesn't deserve to be judged purely on the "merits" of Zombie Lake, neither does Grapes of Death deserve to be off-handedly dismissed and placed at the same low level as that green-faced Nazi zombie opus.

Grapes of Death is an episodic series of events following Elizabeth (Marie-Georges Pascal), who finds herself on the run after she and her friend are attacked on a train by a young man who seems well on the way to having his face fall off. It turns out, we learn, that an experimental pesticide has contaminated the grapes used to make wine, thus turning much of France into -- well, not exactly zombies, but close enough, especially in this post 28 Days Later era when the definition of zombie has been somewhat blurred. Rollin's zombies showcase certain obvious characteristics of zombies as defined by the George Romero movies that have become more or less the de facto zombie rule handbook. Some of them shamble aimlessly about with their arms in awkward positions. They like to bite people. And their bodies and faces tend to decay and fester with oozing boils. But they also like to stab people with pitchforks, brandish torches, travel at a relaxed jog, and prepare dinner. Depending on the state of the infection, some people seem completely gone into a flesh-hungry zombie state, and some are still able to talk and even feel guilt and remorse over what they are being compelled by the infection to do.


Elizabeth wanders a bleak French countryside, encountering infected people from time to time and screaming in fear. Occasionally, she also meets uninfected people, but she still usually finds reason to scream in fear, since those people often end up on the wrong end of some bladed farm implement wielded by a grinning ghoul. Grapes of Death takes the unique approach of eschewing the standard "hunker down in a house and argue with each other as the living dead amass outside" for a much more freewheeling and wide open approach. Elizabeth spends most of her time outdoors in wide-open spaces. She is, at these times, relatively safe. It is only when she ventures into the closed quarters of homes or walled medieval style farm towns that the trouble begins, and the confined spaces always work against her. She eventually meet two uninfected farmers who avoided the infection because, although it is very un-French of them, they prefer beer over wine. Elizabeth's fortunes seem to change once she meets up with these blue collar salts of the earth, but a rather large coincidence brings her into contact with her boyfriend (who we've never seen until he shows up at the end of the movie), and since things never end well for people in a zombie film...well, you get the picture.

In a crowded field of zombie films that tend to be largely identical to one another, few stand out. Those that do either accomplish this because they invented or are so good at executing the well-worn formula, or they have found some way to provide a unique twist on expectations while still conforming to certain expectations. Grapes of Death falls into the latter category. It is basically a zombie film, but it's not like other zombie films. It's open instead of confined; the zombies are cognoscente of their descent into murderous bloodlust, even if they are helpless to stop it; and although the film has plenty of gore (and gratuitous nudity), the scares come not from any sort of visceral punch but rather from the eerie atmosphere Rollin creates. The desolate French countryside Rollin uses as his location is at once familiar and strangely alien. What we expect of idyllic rolling hills and quaint old villages is subverted as soon as the oozy-foreheaded crazies start prowling about. Similarly, Rollin keeps seasoned viewers of zombie films off balance by delivering something other than what you expect, at least some of the time. And where as many zombie films, especially recent ones, rely on pumped up adrenaline and action, Grapes of Death meanders aimlessly across the French countryside at the same pace as its confused protagonist.


Coming out in 1978, Rollin's pseudo-zombie dream was one of the earliest European attempts to mimic George Romero's hugely influential Dawn of the Dead, though in tone and approach, Grapes of Dead has more in common with Jorge Grau's oft short-changed 1974 zombie film Let Sleeping Corpses Lie. Both films share a pastoral rural setting turned sinister with experimental pest control methods being the culprit behind the madness. But Grau's zombies are most definitely the living dead, where as Rollin's zombies have more in common with creations from another George Romero film, 1973's The Crazies. In fact, if I had to pick one film that was the most likely influence on Grapes of Death, it would be The Crazies, which is the tale of a small town that becomes infected with a virus that turns people into murderous nutjobs. Where Grapes of Death differs significantly from Romero's film is in the mood. Romero, a former director of industrial and instructional films, has always been a largely clinical director, injecting a sense of matter of fact reason into fantastic events through his reserved direction. Rollin, on the other hand, allows the bizarre events of his film to dictate the atmosphere. Thus, while both films take place in somewhat foreboding, winterly rural locations, Rollin's looks much more like something out of a fevered nightmare. In addition to the ragged countryside, punctuated by strangely shaped rock formations and mist, Rollin makes excellent use of crumbling old walled towns. Everywhere is a palpable sense of decay.

Both The Crazies and Grapes of Death inform the basic premise of more current films, like 28 Days Later, though whether or not those films played much role in influencing 28 Days Later is something I do not know. And of course, that movie takes yet another very different approach to the same basic premise.


Then there's the trance-like electronic music score, minimalist and reminiscent of Tangerine Dream. Composer Phillipe Sissman only has this and one other work to his credit, and even here he doesn't contribute much more than one weird synth theme that is used to remarkably good effect. It clashes with the natural setting around it, and with the decrepit, lived-in look of the film's overgrown villages, but it works perfectly with the hypnotic mood of the film. It helps communicate the idea that something is not quite right.

Rollin's film depends largely on young Marie-Georges Pascal, who like many of Rollin's actors, was minimally experienced at the time. She appeared in a number of erotic films with titles like I Am Frigid...Why? and Hot and Naked. Although Grapes of Death is a great leap forward for her, nothing really ever came of it. In 1985, with her film career having gone nowhere, she committed suicide. Her eventual fate lends an additional level of melancholy to the film, especially given the downhearted ending. It's obvious she has some talent, though, as she manages to create an interesting character even though she (like everyone else) has minimal dialog and spends an inordinate amount of time screaming as she witnesses one horror or another. It's the simple everyman (or everywoman) quality that endears her to the viewer. Plus, she rarely does things that are completely and incomprehensibly stupid just so she can move the plot along. I guess that's one of the benefits of not having much of a plot.


Supporting her are a cast largely unrecognizable to me, as like most Americans, if it isn't Gerard Depardieu being flustered or Jean Reno punching someone, I don't know many French actors. Some of them, like the two beer-loving guys who come to Elizabeth's rescue, are experienced actors. But the only real familiar face to me is Brigitte Lahaie, the French porn star turned Jean Rollin muse. She appeared in many of his films and acted as sort of a muse, in much the same way Soledad Miranda (and later Lina Romay) did for Jess Franco. She has a small part here, as a woman who befriends Elizabeth (or so it would seem) and gives her protection from a town full of crazies. Of course, I'd always like to see more of her, but that's what films like Fascination are for. She did star in one more of Rollin's variations on the zombie theme, 1980's strange Night of the Hunted, in which France is afflicted with mass memory loss and hysteria, causing Brigitte to have to wander around nude a lot for some reason I've never fully comprehended but am never the less happy to accept.


Grapes of Death may not be exactly what people expect from a zombie film, and even if it is Rollin's most accessible and straightforward narrative, that doesn't mean that it doesn't rely heavily on weirdness and surrealism. I personally find it thoroughly hypnotic and imaginative. Especially after watching so many poorly-made carbon copy zombie films of late, it's refreshing to return to something this unique. A year later, Lucio Fulci's Zombie would come out and pretty much define the European (by then, almost exclusively Italian) zombie film for the next...well, to this very day. Fulci works in much the same way as Rollin and considers many of the same things important -- the creepy atmosphere; the construction of striking, haunting imagery; the sense of decay generated by moody locations; and of course the disregard for strong scriptwriting. But Rollin is much more lyrical in his approach, and even though Grapes of Death has plenty of goo and gore (it was one of the very first -- possibly the very first -- French gore film), there is something decidedly different about it. If Lucio Fulci is the Chang Cheh of zombie films -- all visceral punches and testosterone -- then Jean Rollin's Grapes of Death is like something from Chu Yuan. Poetic, dreamy, perhaps feminine in a way, even when naked women are being beheaded or run through with pitchforks.

It's a shame that Zombie Lake, the movie that was too crappy even for Jess Franco, remains the best known Jean Rollin film. Most of his movies remained unseen for years, and even their initial releases played to scarcely more than a smattering of people. Grapes of Death is one of my favorite zombie films, or whatever those sort-of zombie, crazy bleeding people are called. I can, and often do, watch this and many other Rollin films over and over. Sometimes I may only half pay attention to them, like albums playing in the background, but keeping them in the corner of your eye or at the periphery of your consciousness suits them well. Of course, I also like sitting down and paying attention to them, as I think many (but not all) of his films are quite rewarding. If you are as tired as I am of movies where a group of strangers board up the windows and yell at each other for 75 minutes until the zombies bust in and eat everyone, Grapes of Death might be the remedy you're looking for. I recommend you view it with a nice, fruity Cabernet Sauvignon.

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posted by Keith at | 6 Comments


Sunday, August 12, 2007

Supermen Donuyor (Superman Returns)

DIGG THIS ARTICLE. 1978, Turkey. Starring Tayfun Demir, Gungor Bayrak, Esref Kolcak, Yildirim Gencer, Nejat Ozbek, Reha Yurdakul, Seref Pekseker, Turgut Ozatay, Kadir Kok, Kudret Karadag, Yadigar Ejder, Yusuf Cetin, Cetin Basaran, Sirri Elitas, Ferhat Unal. Directed by Kunt Tulgar. Buy it from Xploited Cinema.

Before I start reviewing, I want to say thanks to Bill at Onar Films for all of the hard work, and perseverance through a ridiculous number of setbacks, that resulted in the DVD I watched for this review.

Horror films have historically been underrepresented in Turkish cinema, but to a degree that dearth is compensated for by an absolute plethora of manic costume dramas and crazy comic book-inspired films. The Turks have their own heroes, such as Karaoglan and Tarkan, but they also quite readily adapted foreign superheroes for the screen; as such, it was inevitable that they would come out with a Superman film. In fact, the 1960s and '70s saw other Superman films in Turkey before Supermen Donuyor was even conceived of--said conception occurring after Kunt Tulgar saw the then-recent Christopher Reeves film.

Those who've seen Turkish Star Wars will recognize the much-lauded orange-lettering-on-black-construction-paper credits technique that may or may not have been developed by Kunt Tulgar, or by his production company, Kunt Films. Soon after that, one is confronted with the fact that this is, indeed, the famous Turkish Superman film mentioned in Mondo Macabro which attempts to invoke a moving starscape by hanging Christmas bulbs in front of a dark cloth. To Kunt's credit, many of them are star-shaped, although the spherical ones are probably better approximations of an actual star. Fortunately, the stars in this universe seem to be different than the ones that you or I might know, because we're informed that people live inside the brightest one in the galaxy--that of Krypton.

Krypton, they say, is brighter than even the brightest emerald, which itself is the brightest of gems. Well, or it was that bright, until it exploded because of a mixture of some gases. You might be inclined to believe that any planet (or inhabitable star) so unstable as to contain its own chemical demise in its atmosphere (or corona, maybe) might not be long-lived enough to support, for instance, the evolution of life forms complex enough to save their children by sending them out to other planets in "rocket-like machines" with little samples of kryptonite. Well, it seems that you thought wrong, because by a combination of the opening narration (as we contemplate the Christmas bulbs) and the subsequent, "Son, y'know, we adopted you after you crash-landed in our backyard almost two decades ago" speech from Ma and Pa Demir, we learn that things played out something like that.

Superman here bears the name of Tayfun Demir (Iron Typhoon), a stage name developed for the film for both character and actor. Tayfun was a friend of director Kunt Tulgar's, and due to "shyness" requested a toning-down of any action scenes so as to limit any danger to his health and safety. Now, I've yet to see any Turkish stuntmen who remind me of Tony Jaa, but I should mention that back then, since Turkish films weren't budgeted to do much with special effects, most of the stunts you'd see were either camera tricks or, when that wasn't possible, just stuff that these guys really did. Rarely have I heard of "stunt men" in these cases; it seems that the actors tended to be expected to do their own stunts. The character has to jump onto a moving train? Well... then the actor probably really jumped onto a moving train. Is that really Cuneyt Arkin doing all that crazy crap on the back of a galloping horse? Well... probably, yes.

So since the leading man was uncomfortable with risking injury for the sake of the film, I must say that the fight scenes here are a bit less ambitious than in many other Turkish films of the period. Other Turkish action heroes tend not to be very convincing fighters either, but there's a flair to their ridiculous fighting styles that tends to possess its own conviction. By contrast, Tayfun Demir sometimes seems like he's never thrown a punch in his life, and is just too peaceful of a guy to learn. There's no use of crazy fighting strategies here; nor gymnastics equipment; one's own severed limbs are never used as weapons; and so on.

Of course, good use is made of some rubber knives and guns here and there, a couple of creative enough traps or death machines (including a guillotine with a conveyor belt), as well as a slide projector which becomes a multipurpose tool/weapon after krypton stone is inserted into it. Tayfun might not be the most impassioned fighter ever, and the fight choreography might not be the most creative, but there's no shortage of action nonetheless. Villains constantly fall through tables, crash into walls, and generally get roughed up by the valiant man with the S on his chest, and at the end of the day, I think there are only so many complaints you can mount against that.

Besides, the soundtrack keeps things moving. Except for a bit of the James Bond theme (played on what sounds like an out-of-tune guitar), I didn't recognize any of the mostly Turkish-disco/funk-sounding songs, but they'd constantly change. Jump cut? New song. Someone else enters the room? New song. The mood changes a little bit? New song.

I don't like doing plot summary-dependent reviews, but fortunately, the Superman mythos is so familiar that there's not much need for it anyway. Superman's name is Tayfun, and Turkish Lois Lane is called Alev, while Turkish Jimmy Olsen is Neci. Our villain is Erken, who is working on a scientific panel with Alev's father and some other men to try to discover the chemical "formula" for "krypton stone," which appears to be a sort of philosopher's stone. Alev's father sees it as an energy source which will solve the world's ecological problems, but Erken has other ideas. After jamming it into his hairdryer or projector or whatever that thing is, he can turn any metal into gold, and he can also defeat Superman. Erken tests the machine on a cat, too, and although it looks very clearly like a special effects artist (or probably just some guy) lights a fire and the cat runs away, I think we're meant to believe that it caught fire and then disappeared completely--possibly because of the confluence of some gases.

I can also add Supermen Donuyor to my list of Turkish films which use children's toys as props--in this case, a ken doll, complete with little costume and hairdryer-derived wind, is used for most of the flying scenes, which helps to explain why Superman's face is obscured by his arms in most of them. The ability to create the appearance of Superman in flight was apparently a pivotal technical conundrum for the filmmakers, and all told I think they did a better job than the makers of Puma Man, at least... Dolls can't really flail their arms like jackasses, after all. It looks decent enough as the dolls suspended in front of washed-out rear-projections of random crap in Istanbul techniques go, and unlike the rear-projections in Turkish Star Wars, none of these appear to be backwards or upside-down, though all of them are curiously blue...

Kunt Tulgar explains in the interview that the filmmakers (including his wife, who sewed the costumes) were very proud of the film when they first made it, but it now looks kind of banal. Perhaps. I mean, no, it's not very sophisticated or artistic, or innovative, or captivating. The film isn't really as brilliant as it tells us that emeralds and Krypton are, I must admit. On the other hand, it's got a ken doll flying around Istanbul, plenty of smashed tables and rubber knives, no shortage of heroism and villainy, and some very interesting ideas about astrophysics and geoscience. And moreover, there's something charming in its simplicity, where dialogue is stripped down to the very basics, and there's no irritating metacognitive winking at the viewer, nor any attempts to put a "new spin" on the tale; this is the classic tale of Superman, except for the ways that it's been adapted for Turkey.

As a final note, the Onar Films DVD treatment of this film is of the high quality befitting all of their releases. The interview with Kunt Tulgar is extensive and fairly wide-ranging, and the transfer looks and sounds better than most Turkish vhs dubs that I've ever watched. As far as I'm concerned, this disc belongs in your collection if you've got any interest in Turkish film, comic books, Superman, or just having a good time.

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Monday, June 26, 2006

Lupin the Third: Mystery of Mamo

1978, Japan. Starring (original Japanese language) Yasuo Yamada, Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Eiko Masuyama, Makio Inoue, Goro Naya; (English dub) Tony Oliver, Richard Epcar, Michelle Ruff, Lex Lang, Jake Martin. Directed by Soji Yoshikawa. Written by Atsushi Yamatoya, Soji Yoshikawa. Buy it now from Amazon.com.

I had the bright idea of getting a three-part series review done, but it was a hard road to walk, and I was badly in need of some shut-eye after a night that ran on until four in the morning and involved four pints of Newcastle at a local pub washed down by three science fiction cocktails that glowed unnatural colors, bought from a posh bar hidden in a back room of a Japanese udon restaurant. An hour train ride home in a slightly tilting world was followed by some cold water and a viewing of Space Thunder Kids, which did more to screw me up than any amount of drinking could ever accomplish. I finally managed to drift off to sleep at precisely the same moment the alarm went off to wake me up. An hour of the snooze button, a cold shower, and eight ounces of skim milk and whey protein later, and I'm out the door on the way to work, buried in a Kem Nunn book for the duration of the train ride that takes me to a day at the office that passes sluggishly. After work was supposed to be more of the same, and thirty-four is neither too old nor too young but it is the sort of age you hit and realize that you can't keep going like you used to be able to. So I cashed in early and bowed out of a second night of decadence and debauchery and unclad gyrating strangers sitting on my lap while I downed a scotch and watched another twenty dollar bill vanish, and I decided to simply hit the pavement and head for home where the scotch was cheaper and the music was better.

But you guys and dolls are our loyal readers, so you know the Teleport City lifestyle. This is how we roll. One night it's all Japanese bartenders in tuxedos and women slinking around poles while I trade wit and whiskey with a dame in a short black dress, and the next day it's off to work then home to watch and review a Lupin the Third movie as I work my way steadily through a bottle of Soca rum and a bag full of limes and split my brain between analyzing an old Japanese cartoon and trying to account for the hours of four and six in the morning, until I remember that I was watching Space Thunder Kids and finishing off a bottle of Orangina while doing my best to figure out what was in the glowing red drink I'd had just a couple hours earlier. It was, to say the very least, a strange way to start an anime review, but this is me we're talking about, and the anime is Lupin the Third, so it all seems fitting somehow. Let this be a lesson to you though. If you live the life the way I encourage you to live the life -- full of fast women, cheap movies, and free-flowing booze -- make sure you space the nights out a little better.

Lupin the Third is something we should have talked about a long time ago. If I was ever to put together a list of movies that would serve as examples of how a man should live his life, Lupin the Third would be at the absolute top of the list, right next to the Sean Connery James Bond movies, Danger; Diabolik!, and that scene in The Ambushers where Dean Martin's bed slides forward and dumps him and his hot chick of the week into a bubbly hot tub with a bar that drops down from the ceiling. Anything less is unbecoming of a man.

Created by Japanese artist Monkey Punch (surprisingly, not his real name) in the 1960s, Lupin the Third was a mixture of James Bond, Matt Helm, Cary Grant from To Catch a Thief, and whatever guy you can think of who grabs boobs a lot. Bill Clinton, I guess. Lupin the Third was meant to be the globe-trotting super-thief great grandson of Arsene Lupin, a much beloved French pulp story character who was very much the "gentleman thief." Lupin the Third jettisons the gentleman part most of the time but excels in the thievery department. Quite in contrast to his famous relative, Lupin the Third is a crass, horny, occasionally sleazy, always smart-alec guy with a weakness for beautiful girls. Together with his parters in crime Jigen (a former yakuza hitman and reportedly the greatest crack shot in the world) and Goemon (a guy who identifies a little too heavily with the romantic ideal of the mysterious, wandering samurai), Lupin trots the globe in search of treasure to be found, banks to be robbed, chicks to be nailed, and smug rich guys to be kicked in the jaw.

Complicating Lupin's life are two more characters: dogged Interpol inspector Zenigata, whose entire life revolves around finally arresting the wily Lupin; and Fujiko (whose name means "peaks"), a big-breasted flirt who is sometimes Lupin's partner, sometimes his rival, and usually both.

And there you have the simple set-up for one of the longest-lived characters in Japanese pop culture. Lupin the Third dominated manga and television for years before finally making the jump to a feature film, The Mystery of Mamo, in 1978. Castle of Cagliostro followed shortly thereafter, and then much later and after a few other films, another movie called Dead or Alive was released. Since then, a whole slew of Lupin movies have been released, some better than others, all highly enjoyable if you are a fan of the series (some enjoyable even if you aren't). We'll be looking at abovementioned three films because: 1) the first one was the first one; 2) the second one marks the feature film directorial debut of regular Lupin television series director Haiyo Miyazaki, who would go on to create such critically- and fan-acclaimed films as My Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, and Fist of the North Star (I could be wrong about that last one, butI'm pretty sure); and 3) Dead or Alive is directed by Lupin creator Monkey Punch. So each one has its own historical significance, as well as being snapshots of how a character can evolve with advances in anime technique and storytelling while also remaining essentially the same, unchanged character that everyone loves. Well, everyone but my friend Lyn, who I thought would be a huge Lupin fan until I brought it up and she flew into a rage and boldly proclaimed that she would rather be forced at knifepoint to watch a One Piece marathon than ever waste another second on seeing anything involving Lupin the Third. Man, just when you think you know someone...

Mystery of Mamo marks the first time Lupin appeared on the big screen (unless you count the live-action film, which I guess counts, so it's the second time, but first in pure animated form), and coming hot on the heels of the revival of the television series in 1977, that meant that the movie was going to basically do everything the series did, only bigger and with more bared tits. Lupin was snottier, the heists were crazier, and Fujiko was nakeder -- what more could anyone ask for? How about knockout action setpieces, great animation, a funny script, and a plot that manages to be completely over-the-top weird yet somehow still manage to work in the world of Lupin, which was always grounded in reality -- or at least the kind of reality that allows you to drive little European cars up the side of mountains or down pyramids.

Mamo begins with the death of Lupin the Third, which comes as a major shock to Lupin the Third when he hears about it. This initial puzzler sends Lupin, Goemon, and Jigen on a wild quest that brings them face to face with the United States Navy and a mysterious, reclusive billionaire named Mamo, who happens to look like one of those freaky blue kids from Akira, only with bad "aging record label executive" hair and a lavender leisure suit worn with white platform shoes and a bow tie. One thing the Lupin franchise has always been is a challenging roadmap to high fashion. If you watch this movie then follow the advice doled out by Walt "Clyde" Frazier in Rockin' Steady: A Guide to Basketball and Cool (sample: "I slap cologne all over my body -- lookin' good, smellin' fine"), then you, too, will soon find yourself raiding pyramids and making time with busty cat burglars or suave international men of action.

Mamo, it turns out, is up to far more than setting fashion trends, and before the end of things, Lupin and crew will find themselves in a race to save the whole of human race from annihilation.

Secret of Mamo crackles with fun and action. It's every frame is infused with kinetic energy and a lusty gusto that makes the movie a ton of fun from beginning to end. The jokes are good, the action is spectacular, and the characters are expertly written and used. No real surprise there. With Monkey Punch's brilliant original creations to work with, scriptwriters Atsushi Yamamoto and Soji Yoshikawa (also the director) had excellent source material. Yamamoto was already a highly regarded screenwriter, having penned the script for the outrageous, ground-breaking Seijun Suzuki-directed gangster film Branded to Kill in 1967 and the wild girl gang exploitation classic Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter from 1970 and starring exploitation film goddess Meiko Kaji, best known for her role in Lady Snowblood, the live-action films based on the Kazuo Koike manga of the same name, and the Female Convict 701 Scorpion films. He also wrote and directed a 1967 film called Inflatable Sex Doll of the Wastelands, which is something I know nothing about -- and I do sorely regret my ignorance.

He was a screenwriter with one foot in the avant garde Japanese new wave and the other in sensational pulp exploitation. Stray Cat Rock was directed by one of our favorites, Yasuharu Hasebe, a protege of Seijun Suzuki and also the director of the trippy go-go spy adventure film Black Tight Killers, as well as the Female Convict films, Bloody Territories, and the old Specterman series that only I seem to love. Obviously, he was a superb candidate for writing a big screen Lupin adventure, even though he'd had no real experience with anime. Despite being a cartoon, Lupin is a perfect fit with Yamamoto's list of credits. It allows him to blend outrageous action, psychedelic art design, saucy sexploitation, and cutting-edge wit to a world brimming over with cool hitmen, boob-grabbing super-thieves, and insane Interpol agents, as well as a weird blue guy with Edgar Winter hair and white loafers.

Equally inexperienced with anime -- and inexperienced with just about all aspects of filmmaking -- was director and co-writer Soji Yoshikawa. Mamo was his first -- and apparently only -- credit as a director, though he did go on to write scripts for Lensman and Armored Trooper Votoms during the eighties. His inexperience doesn't show, though, as Mystery of Mamo is crisply directed and magnificently paced, taking full advantage of the inherent chances for action, tension, and comedy in every scenario. The world of Lupin is larger than life, and the team of Yamamoto and Yoshikawa work in perfect harmony with character designer Yuzo Aoki (a veteran of the Lupin television series) to breathe life into the brightly-colored world of ridiculously curvaceous dames and amusingly-contorted men. Lupin is all flailing limbs and flapping blazers, just as likely to run away screaming from a situation as he is to stand his ground and deliver a knock-out punch to some chump's jaw. And Fujiko -- frequently unclothed during the film -- seems like an obvious influence on other "hot thief with a heart of gold" characters -- namely Cowboy Bebop's Faye -- and Lupin bears more than a few similarities with that same show's Spike Speigal (they even have similar dress sense and footwear). Ditto Jigen and Jet, who sport similar bizarre facial hair and gruff attitudes. However, I don't know that you'd really say stoic samurai throwback Goemon is especially similar to Ed.

The acting is uniformly top notch. They just hired all the same people who worked on the series, including Yasuo Yamada (Lupin), Kiyoshi Kobayashi (Jigen), Makio Inoue (who joined the Lupin series in 1977 as the voice of Goemon, replacing Chikao Otsuka), Eiko Masuyama (as Fujiko, also from the 1977 series, replacing Yukiko Nikaido -- although it was Eiko who voiced Fujiko in the original promotional clip that was used to sell the series in 1971), and the venerable Goro Nayo as Inspector Zenigata (Nayo was last seen around these parts in our review of Crusher Joe). Obviously, each of these people is intimately acquainted with the character they inhabit, and the transition from television to the big screen is smooth and seamless.

The English-language dub is also quite good. The voice actors for the Lupin series are, by this point, almost as familiar with the characters as the original Japanese cast. The English language cast includes Tony Oliver (who always does a superb job as Lupin and was last heard here when we mentioned the English dub on Golgo 13: The Professional), Richard Epcar as Jigen (now doing the English dub voice of Bato in Ghost in the Shell and also credited as directing the English-language version of Mamo), Michelle Ruff as Fujiko, Lex Lang as Goemon, and the hilarious James Martin as Zenigata (gotta admit I actually like his voicing of Zenigata more than the original Japanese). All of these people had experience dubbing the 1977 Lupin series, and although Mamo and Lupin came very in the careers of each performer, they're all exceptional at their job (which is why they're all still doing it). I generally prefer the original language, but truth be told, I have absolutely no problem listening to any of the above English language actors. They do a top notch job and have, in many was, become every bit as definitive a chorus of voices as the original actors.

Some parts of the movie seem to have been redubbed for the recent DVD release. An American representative sounds (and looks vaguely) like Henry Kissenger, which given the character design, I assume was part of the original plan. But the voice of the President of the United States is decidedly George W. Bush-ian, and I have a pretty rock solid belief that that's not how it was originally. If it was, then that's just amazing!

Still, given the quality of dubbing from the main players, it's a minor gripe (and I rarely consider leaving the original language off a disc to be minor), and you will quickly forget as soon as you get caught up in just how much fun Mystery of Mamo is. Without a doubt, one of my favorite anime movies, and one of the high water marks for anime. It's got action, jokes, insane escapes, plot twists galore, lots of boobs, and a brash, snotty aesthetic that seems straight out of punk rock.

Amazingly, things would get even better, although markedly different, just one year later when the second big screen Lupin adventure was brought to life.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Legend of the Bat

1978, Hong Kong. Starring Ti Lung, Derek Yee Tung-Sing, Ling Yun, Ngaai Fei, Chan Si Gaai, Chong Lee, Lau Wai Ling, Norman Chu, Candy Yu, Cheng Lee, Goo Goon Chung, Lau Wing, Yueh Hua, Wong Chung, Liu Yung. Directed by Chor Yuen. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

When innovative Shaw Bros. studio director Chor Yuen teamed up with martial arts novelist Lung Ku and the Shaw's top kungfu film star, Ti Lung, they made beautiful music together. In 1977 the trio collaborated to create two of the best martial arts films ever made, Clans of Intrigue and Magic Blade. The success of the films, as well as their recognition as some of the greatest looking films to come from the martial arts genre in decades, made it a pretty simple decision to keep a good thing going. Less than a year after audiences were dazzled with the complexly tangled web of swordplay, sex, and suaveness that made up Clans of Intrigue, the trio got together for a sequel called Legend of the Bat.

Legend of the Bat was a curve ball for fans of the first film, which was a period piece about a great swordsman framed for murder and his quest to clear his name and uncover the true perpetrator of the crimes. For the sequel, director Chor Yuen and novelist Lung Ku rocket the action hundreds of years from the setting of the original, weaving a touching tale about an aging baseball player's one last chance to relive the fame and glory of his early years, all told through the eyes of a dying crippled boy who once asked the baseball player to hit a home run for him.

I'm lying, of course. Legend of the Bat is, in fact, about Ti Lung smirking and stabbing people and trying to unravel a mysterious plot chocked full of secret identities, ulterior motives, and booby trapped lairs. In other words, it's more of the same, and the same is worth getting more of when it's as cool as Clans of Intrigue.

Ti Lung is on hand to reprise the role of Chu Liu-hsiang, the cool-as-ice, sexy-as-all-get-out swordsman who can beat any man, woo any woman, and lives in a floating boat-palace where his every need is attended to by three hot female assistants. Once again, it'd be remiss of me as both an espionage and martial arts film fan if I didn't note just how similar Chu is to American super-spy and all-around Renaissance man of mystery, Derek Flint. Both of them are tended to by a bevy of beauties who not only look good, but can also kick your ass or get taken hostage if the need ever arises. Both of them live in high-tech (for their respective times) ultra-cool bachelor pads. And of course, they can both out-fight, out-think, and just plain out-cool any villain who gets in their way.

Also returning for another dose of wu xia action is Chu's mysterious and not altogether righteous sidekick, the killer for hire Li Tien-hung, played once again by the steely-eyed and grim Ling Yun. Our two heroes, or rather our hero and that really pissed off guy who hangs out with him and stabs people, are once again drawn into a winding, twisting plot when they investigate a gathering of martial arts clans and find everyone dead save for one lone man in white who has no memory. They soon meet up with a kungfu couple in search of a potion that will cure the wife's terminal illness, and they also discover that someone has put a price on the head of Chu Liu-hsiang. All roads lead to a mysterious masked man known only as The Bat, who lives on a secret island in a cave-palace filled with elaborate and outlandish booby traps. The Bat is in the business of granting wishes - some noble, most diabolical. Chu and Li must first brave a ship full of "people who are not what they seem to be" where they will make a variety of enemies and allies. Then they must traverse the truly mind-blowing caverns of Bat Island in search of the man who seems to be the root of much of the evil plaguing that ever-plagued-with-trouble Martial World.

The sequence on the ship feels like it's Agatha Christie meets Shaw Bros. swordsman action. For the first half of the film, we meet one character after another who is not what they seem, and then in many cases after that character's secret is revealed, we find out later that they're still not what they seem and have a whole new set of secrets to reveal that will once again realign them in the plot. It's classic Chor Yuen - Lung Ku storytelling, and once again, while it might not always make sense, and while it sometimes seems to be twisting the plot just for the hell of it, it's a wonderfully enjoyable ride that is much more interesting than just sitting down to a movie starring Ti Lung, David Chiang, and Wang Lung-wei where you have to guess which character will eventually be exposed as evil, given the fact that Wang Lung-wei has eventually been exposed as evil (or simply started out evil and stayed that way) in roughly 99% of the movies in which he ever starred. For all the convolution that gets thrown onto the screen, Legend of the Bat truly keeps you guessing as to the motives of most of the characters involved. Only Chu himself is a certainty. We know he's a stand-up guy. Everyone else, even his sidekick Li, keep their motives up in the air for the first half of the film. It's fun stuff.

By the time we arrive on Bat Island, most of the loyalties of the main characters have been sorted out. There are still plenty of ancillary characters to show up during the finale and throw things for a loop, but at least we know who our core group of heroes will be as they begin to challenge the labyrinth of mazes and pitfalls that comprise the island's defenses. It's here that Chor Yuen really goes all-out with the stylized set design and turns the surrealism up to eleven. The caverns are awash in Mario Bava-esque multi-colored lighting and mists, with rocks and waters glowing green, purple, blue, red, and yellow. It all looks very much like some of the sets from Hercules in the Haunted World. The Bat's henchmen wear outlandish "wild man" uniforms, and before they manage to reach the inner sanctum of his compound, our heroes must escape from a cage suspended over a pit of bubbling acid, traverse a raging pool of fire, and overcome a room full of icy glaciers all while fending off spear-wielding goons.

I've always wondered where villains go to hire construction crews to build their fabulously ornate and intricately booby-trapped lairs. Can you get union workers to build a lake of fire, or do you have to sneak off and hire the Mexican guys hanging out on the corner looking for work? Is there a firm that specializes in converting networks of caves and volcanoes into lavishly-lit secret compounds? And who sews the zany costumes for all the villain's henchmen? Where can you buy silver foil jumpsuits, or in the case of this movie weird wildman duds, by the gross? Legend of the Bat finally gives us a glimpse, albeit superficially, into the logistics of constructing ridiculously complex evil lairs when the original architect of the Bat Island caves shows up for part of the action. He is, of course, a brilliant man who let his fascination with fashioning fire pits and acid pools blind him to the fact that the strange masked man who placed the order might end up using them for evil purposes. I guess guys who build hollowed-out volcano bases and caves of death are sort of like all those guys on the Manhattan Project who were so happy to be working on crazy scientific and mathematical quandaries that they didn't realize until too late that they'd just created the most devastating weapon in the history of the world and would thus have to come up with some sort of prophetic and deep thing to say upon witnessing the fiery fruition of their labors. By my reckoning, if we hadn't kept Oppenheimer and the others busy with inventing the atom bomb, they would have probably just gone off and outfitted Hitler's bunker with an acid pit and one of those rooms where spikes pop out of the wall and close in on you.

Today, would be designers of evil lairs spend most of their time drawing little dungeon maps so elaborate that they have to use that scientific graph paper instead of the regular stuff. Imagine how much weirder the conflict in Afghanistan would have been if the first time we got reports from inside one of Osama bin-Laden's cave hide-outs, the soldiers had said, "Well, the lake of fire with the giant snake in it was rough, but we were able to throw Geraldo Rivera in to distract the monster. Still, it was rough going once we got to room that filled with molten lead and the tunnel that was illuminated by strobe lights and lava lamps." That was always bin-Laden's big problem. He spent all his money on that Al Quaeda gymboree we saw those guys practicing on whenever they replayed that "Al Quaeda training video," apparently concerned that international terrorists may have to negotiate monkey bars and track hurdles when performing their evil deeds. As far as evil masterminds go, his cave lairs were a disgrace. Compare them to our own secret underground city where we plan to send our leaders in the event of an emergency. Now that's an underground lair fit for a Bond villain.

As far as lairs go, The Bat's pad is pretty sharp. Of course, in a Chor Yuen film almost everyone lives in luxurious digs. Even peasant dwellings look surreal and beautiful. This movie gives us not one, but three boat-palaces. You have Chu's place, which is quite nice, and you have the transport ship, which looks like it was inspired by all the intrigue on board the Orient Express of old. And then you have the yacht that comes by to pick up our heroes after a big battle, and that one's just as ornate as Chu's place. None of them reminded me in the least of my grandpa's bass boat, and at the time I always considered that to be one hell of a vehicle. The Bat's lair not only has all those booby trapped chambers and places where the architect seemed to be able to manipulate the powers of geology itself to form ice mountains and rivers, but he has a cool misty throne room full of wild lighting, various treasure chambers, and other alcoves and nooks where strange and beautiful things are placed.

As with Clans of Intrigue, every scene takes place on a Shaw Bros. studio set, allowing Chor Yuen total control of every aspect of the appearance of his film. And once again he drapes each frame in flower blossoms, flowing silks, lattice work, secret chambers, and grand banquet halls. Every inch is meticulously designed and detailed in the extreme. At no point does Yuen skimp on a set simply because we're not there for very long. He's never happy to go with the simpler, faster sets that many directors settled for. Even in the most inconsequential of places, Yuen goes to extravagant lengths to create overwhelming eye-candy.

But you can't build a movie on eye candy sets and a cool villain's lair alone. As with the first film, Legend of the Bat is carried by the complexity of the plot and the charisma of the leads. Ti Lung is grand as always, though in all honestly, he almost seems to be along for the ride this time around, content to simply hang around while all the other characters indulge in machinations and Machiavellian schemes. When the time is right, he steps up and doles out some sword-swinging justice, but since his character is the only one free of hidden agendas, he is in some ways the least interesting of the bunch. Clans of Intrigue had the same phenomenon - and I hesitate to call it a "problem" since the actions of all the other characters are so thoroughly engrossing. Chu's job is to cruise along, smirk, and do some killing when the time is right.

The rest of the characters are a wild bunch. Once again, we have the filial daughter out to save or avenge her father. We have the kungfu couple with noble hearts driven to commit evil deeds by the desperation of their situation. We have the unkempt guy who could be a vile thief or a noble hero. There's the mute guy, the amnesiac, a bunch of kungfu masters and clan leaders with dubious intentions, the mysterious Bat, and a glorious gang of butt-naked female assassins. With all those people running around and flying through the air, it's no surprise that our hero Chu is satisfied with just sitting back and watching it all unfold, allowing himself to get lost in all the insanity. We also have Derek Yee on hand, the good-looking younger brother of Ti Lung's frequent co-star David Chiang. Yee would go on to a lead role in Chor Yuen's Death Duel a few years later, as well as a starring role in the phenomenally bizarre Buddha's Palm, beore settling down to become a director of some acclaim with movies like Viva Erotica and C'est La Vie, Mon Cheri to his name. Yueh Wah returns from the first film as a different character, this time as one half of the doomed kungfu couple opposite Ching Li, also returning as a different character.

Unlike Clans of Intrigue, messing around with gender roles isn't a key ingredient. There are plenty of interesting female characters, but none as complex or engrossing as Betty Tei Pi from the first film. Ching Li is on hand to play the "pure" female hero (one of two, actually), though she's less active and entertaining than her more fight-active character Black Pearl from the first film. Still, she's one of my favorite Shaw leading ladies, so it's always a pleasure to see her in action. With Chor Yuen, we usually get multiple female leads, at least one "ice queen" villain and one "pure" heroine. The ice queen, of course, is the one most likely to shimmy out of her robes and give the fellers a show, while the pure heroine, conversely, keeps her clothes on and fights sometimes for justice, but usually out of a filial obligation to right some injustice done to her family. While Legend of the Bat has its fair share of women with questionable motives, it lacks any real, strong female antagonist. The female protagonists, on the other hand, are in abundance but not quite as complex or disturbed as heroines from other films. Not a bad thing, necessarily. I know Chu Liu-hsiang was probably tired of female heroes who spent the first half of the film trying to kill him (they only try to kill him a few times), and the women on hand are hardly poorly realized characters. The lack of any dynamically complex female characters on par with Betty Tei Pi's tragic queen of the martial underworld, Princess Yin-Chi, does keep this one just a notch below Clans of Intrigue in terms of characterization.

The story, however, is just as confusing and twisted as the first film. Characters pop up and disappear with frightening frequency, a carry-over trait from many works of Chinese literature where we not only got dozens of main characters, but also had many of them come and go with little or no warning. Ultimately, it's a more realistic portrayal of how people drift in and out of events and lives, often without fanfare or resolution to whatever conflicts involved them. On the minus side of things, however, you need a flow chart to keep track of who showed up when and jumped out of which window only to show up again at the very end with some grand revelation. The question is never who has something to hand or who will unveil an aforementioned grand revelation - everyone but Chu has at least a couple, even the seemingly minor characters. The question is always what the revelation will be, and just how zany is it? While the mysteries at the core of Lung Ku's stories - which are essentially detective novels dressed up in a swordsman's flowing robes - may lack focus, they certainly don't lack for entertainment value. Legend of the Bat is, like its predecessor a wonderfully written, if not totally believable, mystery-adventure. But then, are you going to worry about it being illogical for Character A to turn out Way C in a movie where old guys can chop their own arm off and then carry on a conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened to them?

The martial arts action, which is after all what draws many people to these movies, is on par with that from Chor Yuen's other accomplished films, though as with those, it is also not the central focus of the movie. We are, once again, set in the Martial World, which is always plagues with tumult. Some reviewers have commented that the concept of the Martial World, this bizarre intangible association of boxers and swordsmen, heroes and rakehells, is what keeps the films of Chor Yuen more inaccessible to Western audiences than those of Chang Cheh, where most of the plots involved revolting against evil government officials or avenging someone's death - stuff to which everyone can relate, or at least stuff everyone can understand. The Martial World, on the other hand, with all its secret societies and esoteric kungfu styles, is a concept more difficult to grasp.

I don't entirely agree. While it's true that there's nothing quite like the concept of the Martial World with its blend of intrigue and supernatural powers, it's also not entirely unlike the equally esoteric secret societies that comprise the Mafia underworld. And Mafia films are, needless to say, hugely popular and very well understood in the West. As with the Martial World, the underworld is full of sects and clans and families fighting each other for dominion over things that entirely understandable to the outside world, such as extortion turf and linen service rights. Like the heroes and villains of the Martial World, the underworld is full of tricky characters, double-crosses, and violent battles. The concept of the Martial World, then, is not so foreign as some might make it seem. The only real difference is that there was always a very low probability than Don Corlione would leap up from his leather chair, fly across the room, and blast some low level Mafioso with energy beams flowing from his palms. But he did have a pretty keen lair.

Chor Yuen's film usually focus on swordsman action, drawing as they do their inspiration from the classic wu xia films of the 1960s. The martial arts on display in Legend of the Bat are a wild and wonderful mixture of sword fights and kungfu clashes with plenty of supernatural abilities on display. People can punch through walls, jump over buildings, fight off dozens of attackers, and chop off their arm without giving it a second thought. Chu can walk without making any noise, and there's a blind character who can see and fight in the dark as well as his sight-gifted adversaries can in the light. There's nothing entirely over-the-top. No one shoots laser beams out of their eyes, and no one can really fly, but if you're looking for authentic, realistic martial arts action, a Chor Yuen film as about the last place you should be snooping around. His action pieces are as artfully crafted and highly stylized as his sets, and they are more things of grace and beauty than knock-down, drag-out acts of pugilism. Even with that said, the final duel is pretty brutal, and there are some wonderful, no-nonsense sword fights, particularly the one between Ti Lung and a whole gang of masked assailants.

If you liked Clans of Intrigue, or if you like any of Chor Yuen's mid/late 1970s swordsman films, then you're not going to be disappointed by Legend of the Bat. Byzantine plots, swordfights galore, beautiful women, handsome men, and exquisite sets make for another mind-blowing martial arts mystery. Ti Lung is wonderful, and he's the least interesting thing about the movie. It's a worthy follow-up to the first film, and it's a thoroughly pleasing slice of clever martial arts mayhem.

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Friday, October 24, 2003

Don

1978, India. Starring Amitabh Bachchan, Zeenat Aman, Pran, Iftekhar, Om Shivpuri, Satyen Kappu, P. Jairaj, Kamal Kapoor, Arpana Choudhary, Helen, M.B. Shetty, Mac Mohan, Azad, Yashraj, Devaraj. Directed by Chandra Barot. Buy now from India Weekly.

Sit back, brothers and sisters, and I'll tell you the story of a man who once held the vast population of India in the palm of his hand; a man larger than all others in heart and influence if not in stature, and to whom others could look for inspiration, for strength in times of need. Who is this man? No, not Mahatma Gandhi. No, not even Bose Chandras, the daring Indian dissident general who was the real reason the British finally freed the country. No, these men may have been great historical figures, they may have been great men, but when's the last time you saw Gandhi jump backwards out of a tree to kick some guy in the face while wearing powder blue flares?

No, brothers and sisters, the man to whom I refer is none other than Amitabh Bachchan, the biggest box office draw in Indian cinema throughout the 1970s and the crown prince of Bollywood cinema.

Perhaps you are unfamiliar with Amitabh Bachchan and his seminal works from the era. It would be understandable. After all, only hundreds upon hundreds of millions of people celebrated his name at the height of his popularity. Granted, the numbers for recognition were definitely in his favor, but in the United States at least, few people started their morning by waking up, cursing out President Carter about the gasoline rationing, then thinking to themselves, "I wonder who's big in Indian movies these days." It was our loss. The 1970s were the golden age of bad-ass action heroes, an era that will, unfortunately, probably never roll around again in today's climate of ultra-young pretty boy stars and high-tech, high-cost, low-quality computer effects. Gone are the days of grizzled, chain-smoking transit cops sitting at a control desk and barking into a radio at some terrorist. Gone are the days of guys like Joe Don Baker, Lee Marvin, Walter Matthau, and Clint Eastwood. It's been washed away by the cult of youth, by the lack of interest in making movies about and/or for adults, or at least for people who don't buy nine-year-old Ben Affleck as a world-weary ex-FBI agent.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the 1970s may have had some bad music and some truly foul fashion trends, but it was a classic era for the action film. Standing amid the heroes, proud, dark, and lean, was Amitabh Bachchan, relatively unknown in the US but never the less Bollywood's mega-popular answer to Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood, and whoever was considered at the time to be the Lee Marvin of Bavaria. I think it might have just been Lee Marvin, though it could also have been Helmut Kohl or some guy named Hans.

When it comes to Bollywood films, I already know what you're probably thinking, and for the most part you would be dead on. Indian films are almost always filled with delirious amounts of singing and dancing, even if they are horror films or those jingoistic, Pakastani-hating right-wing deals where Indian soldiers run in slow motion a lot while defending mother India and liberating grateful Kashmiri youth from the clutches of hand-wringing, bloodthirsty Pakastani terrorists. Hey, just because it's one of the most volatile and potentially catastrophic stand-offs in the history of civilization, with potentially millions of people at risk from nuclear attack, doesn't mean that Sonny Deol Sonny Deol or some other brave and noble Indian hero (actually, not some other now that I think about it. It always seems to be Sonny Deol) can't pop off for a lavish five-minute-long song and dance number with flashing lights, blue smoke, and a rump-shaking Bollywood beauty.


Yep, for those outside the culture (and even for quite a few within), the song-and-dance formula films so popular and plentiful in India can be a real chore to get through. We in the West lap up the once-a-year foray some Indian director takes into arthouse cinema with no musical numbers and maybe even some flashes of nudity, but looking at the foreign film section in the average American video outlet would delude you into thinking the only films ever made in India were Bandit Queen, Monsoon Wedding, and the collected works of Satyajit Ray. Admirable films and filmmakers all, but it's just not right to reduce the film capitol of the world (more films produced per year than the United States, or any other country for that matter) down to a few serious arty titles. That's like thinking the only filmmaker in Japan is Akira Kurosawa or that all American art films have the same emotional subtlety and low-key approach of arthouse filmmakers like Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer.

You just don't get a proper feel for a film industry, or for a people, if all you watch are the serious art circuit films. If that was the case, then everyone in America would be upper-middle-class gay or lesbian yuppies struggling to come to terms with their homosexuality amid a backdrop of quaint New York City cafes and coffee shops. There is very little in our arthouse fare to clue you into the fact that most Americans are beer-swillin' yahoos who can be entertained for months on end by shouting "What?" after every sentence uttered by Stone Cold Steve Austin. So I implore you, especially those of you in other countries, please do not judge us based on our neurotic arthouse cinema. Please show objectiveness and thoroughness by instead judging us based on the number of pork rinds we can cram into our mouth at one time and the fact that we still, for some ungodly reason, cheer for Hulk Hogan.

Understanding of a culture can come in part through their popular entertainment, no matter how bizarre and bad that entertainment may be. The intellectuals of any given country will bemoan the fact that they would be judged by popular entertainment, but let's face it: the reason it's called popular entertainment is because that's what most of the population enjoys. I'm not proud of the fact that I live in a nation that laughed its ass off during Saving Silverman, but what can I do? The fact of the matter is that most Americans are prone to liking crap like that, and so judging us as a people is sadly more accurately done based on pop cinema than on anything I like. Likewise, I'm sure the intelligencia of any country doesn't want you to think their nation is full of idiots who tune in to Razzmatazz or that show where Beat Takeshi wears a lobster suit and shoots naked men out of a bungee cord cannon, but that's what the folks like, and that's who makes up your country. Only by exploring what people actually like, as opposed to what snotty film critics and lit professors tell us people like, can we begin to uncover cultural truths like, "All peoples are pretty goofy."

Based, then, on my research regarding their pop culture, I am now more in tune with the fact that in India, everyone sings and dance and magically transports between discos, mountain meadows, fields of flowers, and neon-lit back alleys in the space of a few seconds. Everyone in India is just half a breath away from belting out a song and having the whole street bust out some well-choreographed dance moves. So says popular cinema, so it must be true. Likewise, all Americans are crudely rendered computer graphics accompanied by a blaring rap-metal soundtrack everywhere they go and all British people are forty-year-old flamboyant gay men working at the Grace Brothers department stores and rolling their eyes every time that Mrs. Slocum makes some comment like "my pussy was soaking wet last night," meaning of course that she left her cat outside in the rain.

Whether or not he was well-known in the United States, no ongoing commentary about the action films of the 1970s (or of any decade, for that matter) would be complete without spotlighting Amitabh Bachchan right there with the rest of the greats. Spotlighting Bachchan is cool with me, because the man was pretty boss. He was born the son of a captain of industry turned nationally-known poet and a woman whose only occupation seems to have been "socialite," which I guess is better than your only occupation being sociopath. While it would be cool and romantic to paint Bachchan as some impoverished young man who struggled up from the Calcutta ghettos to become the king of Indian cinema, the fact is that he was born into a pretty posh lifestyle in the town of Allahabad. When he became interested in acting, few people saw him as anything more than a rich college boy out on a lark.

That all changed once folks started getting a load of his on-screen charisma, booming voice, and innate talent at the craft. Within a few movies' time, Bachchan was well on his way to becoming the biggest star in the history of Indian cinema. During the 1970s, he was the posterboy for the Indian action film, though he didn't limit himself to that genre any more than the average action film limited itself to the action genre - Indian films manage to pack pretty much every genre into the single average film. Taking cues from spaghetti westerns, black action films, martial arts movies, and the various cop and gangster films, Bachchan was at the forefront of what became known as the masala film, spicy blends of violence, action, melodrama, sex appeal, and cool. Bachchan became best known as the originator of the "angry young man" character, often torn between the laws of kinship and the laws of the state, frequently falling on the wrong side of the laws of the state.


It wasn't long before Bachchan's characters struck a chord with the people of India, who like everyone else in the 1970s, weren't having a very good time. With the social strife and global turmoil. Bachchan's films presented them with wily underdogs and allusions to working class problems and unrest, even if he himself was nowhere near working class. Zanjeer was the film that rocketed him to the top, and there was no stopping him once he was there. When he suffered a grave injury on the set of a film called Coolie, the nation sat in anxious anticipation as they listened to frequently broadcast updates on the actor's medical condition. Eventually, Bachchan decided to parlay his celebrity into a political career, winning an elected office in 1984. In a unique approach to campaigning, part of Bachchan's publicity for his bid included the release of his film Inquilab, the finale of which features Bachchan's character laying waste to a room full of corrupt politicians.

He wasn't long for this political coil, though, thanks primarily to a little scandal involving his ties to organized crime. It was no big surprise that Amitabh would have connections to the underworld. Much like the Hong Kong film industry throughout the 1980s and first half of the 1990s, the Indian film industry of the time was more or less run entirely by organized crime, which is slightly different than in the US where film studios are often run by criminals, just not the organized variety. If you were making a movie at the time, then you were rubbing shoulders with gangsters and other unsavory characters. Still, it was enough to force Bachchan's eventual resignation from politics, which in turn signaled the beginning of his stardom's decline. Bachchan's popularity faded as the 1980s progressed, and although he briefly revitalized his career from time to time with a hit movie, it wasn't the same.

In the 1990s, Bachchan mounted another comeback attempt, which failed pretty miserably when each movie he made became one more in a string of bombs. India still loved the guy; they just didn't want to watch the crappy movies in which he starred. He countered by starting a corporation for managing and distributing talent and pop entertainment (and produced film like the controversial though lauded in the West Bandit Queen), but thanks to the low return on his movies, that didn't really pan out either. Just as it was looking like it was Amitabh's time to ride off into the sunset, he starred as a determined bank robber in the slick, formula-breaking heist film Aankhen, which many people said showcases the best performance of his career. Having not seen the film as of the writing of this review, all I can say is that in his older age, Bachchan is looking more and more like Al Pacino.

As for his many films from the 1970s, many people regard Don as his best. Of course, many people regard Deewar or Zanjeer as his best, and still many others will tell you its Sholay. The thing about India is that there are so many people that you have enough people around to provide "many people" opinions for quite a few films. Whether or not it's Bachchan's best film is debatable since he made so many good ones, but Don is certainly one of the finest action films from the 1970s despite the Bollywood song and dance trappings. It's action-packed, fast-paced (a rarity for a Indian film, even an Indian action film), well-written, compelling, and full of low-budget charm and heart. It's a great example of everything that was right with action films at the time, and everything that's since been abandoned in favor of bigger, louder, faker looking CGI explosions. Don is the kind of movie where someone will ask, "Who are you?" or "Who do you think you are?" just so Amitabh Bachchan can cast a steely glare at them and announce in his booming voice, "Don," which is invariably punctuated by a blast of dramatic music and a fast zoom in tight on his face., possibly followed up by an equally fast and tight zoom in on the face of his antagonist displaying one of those looks of combined awe and dread.

If you're interested in my opinion -- and for some mad reason you must be if you've bothered to read this far -- the dramatic fast-zoom just isn't used enough these days. Back in the 1970s, especially in low-budget action films, it was all you could do to keep the cameraman from doing the dramatic fast-zoom as often as possible. Heck, a kungfu villain couldn't walk five steps without someone zooming in on his dour face and hitting the loud blast of dramatic music. And as much as I like the technique, the world just didn't need that many close-ups of Wang Lung-wei. I'm sure if some directors had their way, the fast-zoom and dramatic music would follow every single line in a film, even plain vanilla ones like, "Would you care for an appetizer?" or "Who's the number one radio station in the tri-state area?"

I'm not saying every single little line of dialogue has to be punched up with this technique. Maybe just half of them. I'd be pretty happy then, though to be honest, I'd rather look at close-ups of Wang Lung-wei than ever see a giant stadium-seating theater projection of Martin Lawrence zooming at me.

Don opens with a classic action film sequence in which a group of gangsters are standing in a swaying, sunlit field as another gangster speeds toward them. When he gets out of his cars, the other guys say, "Don" soothe camera can zoom in fast on him and his Amber Vision sunglasses. Does Don have the money? Of course he does, but rather than making the exchange as planned, the other goons pull their guns on Don since no transaction in the entire history of the underworld has gone off without some hitch or one party attempting to double-cross the other. Don is no sucker, though, and he's watched enough action films to know there was a double-cross afoot. He sneers as he tosses the briefcase full of money over to the criminals. They scatter into very small pieces as they discover that rather than money, the briefcase contains a bomb.

That's Don, baby. He blows up people before the credits even roll!

When the credits do roll, they're rotoscoped fluorescent green and red scenes of mayhem and ass-kicking from elsewhere in the film, not unlike the cool credit sequence from Foxy Brown. And that theme song! Forget all that Bollywood pop nonsense! Don has one of the flat-out funkiest, hardest action theme songs of the 1970s. Don doesn't even have to kick your ass with his own foot. He can just throw on his theme song and let it kick your ass for him. If you bought the Bombay the Hard Way: Guns, Cars, and Sitars CD (which you should do if you haven't already), then you're already familiar with the theme from Don, as well as a few other tracks and dialogue samples that show up in original or remixed format on that disc. Ever wonder who's deep, rich baritone voice that was brushing off some unseen hot Hindi lass with the simple utterance of, "Some other time, baby." That was...Don!

Bachchan's character of Don, or The Don as he is often called (like how you can call Dwayne Johnson "The Rock" or "Rock"), is, unsurprisingly, one of the most notorious crime bosses in the entire world, but especially in India. That's why they zoom in on him every time his name is uttered. Tubby Interpol agent Malik comes to town to help the local DSP catch the wily criminal. Meanwhile (there are a lot of meanwhiles in this film), Don has to worry about the widow of one of his men, who Don himself killed when it was discovered that the guy - who is a dead ringer for Lars Ulrich - wanted to leave the criminal underworld and start a new life. The film's first musical number comes when she tries to delay Don's departure from a hotel room with her sensual pelvic thrusting and wild gyrations. I think just about every Hindi movie I've seen features a scene in which a woman tries to distract or delay someone by staging a song and dance number, but the context of this sequence actually sets it apart from a lot of other Indian films.

By that, I mean it looks like it could actually belong in the same movie as the rest of the action. When Indian films indulge in their musical sidebars, a lot of them tend to handle it like a music video that just gets plopped down in the middle of a movie. It often has nothing at all to do with the movie itself, and frequently they'll feature outlandish montages and location changes. One minute, a group of soldiers will be hunkered down in a snowy bunker high up in the mountains, facing a line of Pakistani machine guns, and one of the Indians will say, "This is intense. I am glad we have leave tonight." Then they'll just cut to five minutes of disco dancing, wild costumes, and MTV lighting as everyone sings and dances and gets filmed wandering through The Swiss Alps, Paris, the Taj Mahal, and some nightclub full of bubbles ands smoke. Then the next scene will just cut back the soldiers in the bunker again going, "Boy, leave sure was fun!"

Don at least attempts to ground the music in the events of the film. When the woman tries to seduce Don, the whole number takes place in the hotel room with no jumping all of a sudden to Milan or Jupiter. Within the context of the film, then, it's actually somewhat believable that this is going on without any wild leaps of logic. It makes the musical numbers a lot easier to swallow than some disconnected and wildly out-of-place production.

Don escapes, of course, because he's Don, but just as he takes care of one vengeful woman, Lars' sister shows up for revenge. Unlike Lars' fiancee, his sister Roma comes packing more than hip-shaking and false eyelashes. She's packing fists and feet full of kungfu rage and enough smarts to infiltrate Don's gang and become his number one gun moll. Roma is played by Zeenat Aman, and she's a good example of why Bollywood films are so well-known for their incredible beauties. She's a bombshell, to be sure. Enough to drop your jaw if she doesn't just sock you in it for starting at her. But her character here is also a rarity in Indian films, at least nowadays. She's an ass-kicker on the same level as and often above her male counterparts. She's smart, resourceful, and never once needs a man to come to her rescue. There's a definite dash of Pam Grier and Angela Mao in her. Women in most Indian action films (and most action films in general, regardless of country of origin) are little more than window dressing whose sole purpose is to act all coquettish in musical numbers with the hero. There's nothing at all impressive about them beyond their looks and dance moves. Zeenat Aman's Roma, however, is a real character. She's got depth, range, and the ability to go toe-to-toe with anyone who crosses her path. All that and she can still perform a jig or two when the music calls for it. Her role here was enough to rocket up near the top of our "greatest female ass-kickers" list.

With all these folks gunning for Don, it's only a matter of time before his many fights and car chases end up with him on the bad end of business. One night he narrowly escapes capture but gets fatally wounded in the process, dying in the backseat of the DSP's car he'd just hijacked. The DSP knows that someone else even bigger than Don is calling the international shots, and he devises one of those "only in a movie" plans to smoke out the big boss. Turns out that years earlier, the DSP handled a case in which a young street performer named Vijay reported a case in which the parents of two children had simply disappeared. The case itself was nothing spectacular, but Vijay was a dead ringer for...Don!

Okay, okay, that's a pretty big coincidence, but you're going to have to get used to things like that in this movie, because there's a lot of them. In a lesser film, they come across as clumsy contrivances thrown in simply because the writers couldn't think of anything else. In Don, on the other hand, they are used with great effect to keep the plot twisting and turning. Even though some of them are pretty outlandish (like the DSP happening to meet the one guy who happens to be Don's spitting image amid the hundreds of millions of people in India), the coincidences are woven so well into the fast-moving plot that they're easy to swallow. They're fun rather than being something that just makes you groan.

Vijay isn't wild about risking his life posing as the Don. He's happy chewing on betel leaves (the Indian equivalent of chewing tobacco) and caring for the two children he's raised as his own. When the DSP promises to pull strings to get them admitted for free into a prestigious school, Vijay is swayed. Against his better judgment, he will become.Don! His identity is known only to the DSP, who records the entire plan in a secret file he keeps hidden in his personal safe. That way, even if something happens to the DSP, there will be proof of Vijay's true identity. I guess they don't have his or The Don's fingerprints on record.

After staging an arrest, Don's gang - lead by Roma - rescue their boss from the hospital, unaware of the charade that is being performed at their expense. It was nice to see a gang that was completely loyal to their leader and genuinely excited to help him recover. Action films before and after have drilled into our heads the notion that at least one member of the gang has to be looking to stab everyone in the back, but here they are all loyal men. Well, except for Roma. She just wants to kill The Don and leave, but she can't kill him until he recovers his memory, which Vijay is faking having lost until he can learn everyone's names and faces. It's all a pretty clever ruse until the day he knows enough to announce that he has made a full recovery. From that moment on, Roma starts looking for ways to kill the poor guy, at least until she discovers the secret of his identity.

Meanwhile...

There's this weird looking guy named JJ who is about to get out of prison. He has one of the most disturbing haircuts I've ever seen, even worse than Sammo Hung's bowl cut from the 1980s, but not worse than Sammo Hung's jeury curl from the same era. JJ was one of the best safe-crackers in all of India, but he left it all behind when he got a family, becoming a circus performer and renouncing his life of crime despite frequent offers from members of Don's gang to get back in the business. When his wife falls gravely ill, however, JJ is forced into doing the proverbial "one last job" in order to pay for the operation that will save her life. As anyone who watches enough action films knows, there are certain guidelines you should stick to if you want to make it out alive. For example, if you're a cop never ever mention retirement, your family, or that boat you just bought so you and your wife can finally take that romantic cruise you've been planning for so long. That's just asking for a bullet in the head. Conversely, if you're a criminal you should never, under any circumstances, take "one last job" no matter what the motivation for doing so may be. It's not going to work out. It's going to be a trap, or the people who hired you are going to try and double cross you. I mean, poor Chow Yun-fat's done about a dozen "one last job" movies, and they never work out for him.

Sure enough, the DSP busts JJ, even putting a bullet in his leg as the poor guy sprinted through the hospital in a mad dash to deliver cash to the doctors to save his wife. JJ gets a prison sentence, his wife dies, and his children are abandoned to fend for themselves. You sort of get the feeling that the DSP, despite being a good guy, is sort of an asshole. I mean, he lets the guy's wife die right there in front of him, then he leaves the kids on the streets to die, and later on, he holds saving Vijay's adopted children (I wonder who their father will turn out to be) over Vijay's head in order to pressure him into taking part in this daft plan to masquerade as The Don. Not exactly the conduct of a decent guy.

Needless to say, JJ has lost everything that meant anything to him in his entire life. All he has left is his burning desire to get revenge against the DSP, and you can't really blame the guy. When Vijay discovers a book with all the names and contacts of The Don, he turns it over to the DSP, who in turn plans a big raid on the night of a meeting between all the heads of the top crime families in India. Don opens the meeting with a rousing "I'm the Don!" song, which may seem to be a silly thing for a gangster to do until you remember how much all those Italian gangsters like Sinatra and the Three Tenors. Everything goes pretty well with the raid up until the point where the DSP gets killed. Vijay is rounded up with the rest of the criminals, and none of the cops believe he's not Don. The criminals do, though, and they're just waiting for a chance to get their hands on him. When Inspector Malik goes to the DSP's home to retrieve the diary Vijay claims will prove his innocence, the safe has been cracked. Turns out JJ came looking for revenge, but found the safe and the diary instead and figured he could use it to blackmail Don's gang, who he also has a beef with. Will JJ succeed? Will Vijay escape the police and Don's vengeful thugs?

It's enough to make your head spin, but when you remember that, like all Indian films, this thing is close to three hours long, then you'll see that they need a lot going on to keep things movie. Most Indian films drag as a result of their running time and need to pad out the script, but Don has so much going on that it never misses a beat and always remains fast-paced and thrilling. Helping matters out is the fact that Amitabh Bachchan makes Vijay such a likable character. He does a spectacular job making audiences sympathize with Vijay, and as his situation becomes more and more desperate, the fact that we actually give a damn about him and Roma makes the film that much more exciting. It being an action film from the 1970s, you can never be sure just how things will turn out. True, Indian films almost always end with a "happily ever after," but masala films from the 1970s were different, and the possibility that Vijay won't make it out alive lends a sense of urgency to the proceedings.

One twist after another keeps the moving sprinting along, and special credit should be given to scriptwriter Salim Javed. He's crafted a long but taught, edge-of-the-seat action film with great characters and multiple sub-plots that are all tied into the main story by the end of the film. Writer-directors like Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie get a lot of credit for how they take so many seemingly unconnected strands of story and weave them all together, and while I don't want to take anything away from those guys (even though I can't stand Tarantino, I have to give the devil his do and admit that he can spin a well-structured yarn) Don does it just as well, perhaps even better, fifteen years earlier. It's really a work of art and a bit of a miracle that Javed pulls it all together and keeps the whole thing in order. Although there are no major revelations, there are a lot of surprising and pleasing twists. The best thing you can say about a three-hour-long film is that you don't even notice it was three hours. Such is the case with...Don!

Besides the great characters and complex if somewhat contrived plot, the frequent action sequences help propel the movie along at a rocket's pace. There are a few car chases, some shoot-outs, and a whole heck of a lot of kungfu fighting. None of it is very good, but it's fast-paced and exciting, which makes up for the rather sloppy editing and choreography during the fights. If you've watched a lot of films involving martial arts, then you've certainly seen worse crimes committed in the name of putting foot to ass than you'll see in Don. It's no worse than most pre-Bruce Lee kungfu fights, and it's as good or better than most Jimmy Wang Yu style "swingy arm" kungfu films, where all the combatants do is wave their arms wildly in each others general direction. The fight choreography in Don at least has enough sense not to be slow-paced or dull. It might not be pretty, but it is pretty cool. The final fight pits Vijay, JJ, and Roma against a seemingly endless stream of thugs, and it's full of cool action. JJ even gets to bust out some gymkata in one part! And Zeenat Aman impresses me as a fighter as well. Although there are some shots where she's being doubled, there are many more where she isn't, and she handles the stuntwork superbly.

One of the things I've always appreciated about Indian films is their message that even out-of-shape chumps can kick ass. Sure Zeenat and Amitabh are in top shape and look great, but there are fewer things more bizarre looking in film than JJ. Not only does he have that screwed-up haircut, he also wears a frilly black silk Renaissance festival shirt and has spindly little old man legs. Despite his appearance, he flies through the air and dishes out two-fisted beat-downs like there's no tomorrow. I think there's only one really muscular looking guy in the whole film, and Roma kicks his ass in about five seconds using some judo power. Everyone else looks like real people. Skinny people, fat people, people who are just shaped weird. It's a bit funny to see a guy like JJ doing so much fighting, but it's also refreshing and cool.

And what's with the henchman with a beard? Is he some sort of feral Wolfman?


The acting is great. Like Is aid before, Zeenat Aman is wonderful as Roma, giving her a real sense of strength and purpose. The script takes a chance with a rare female Indian ass-kicker, and she's up to the task of making the most of it. I don't think I've seen a cooler heroine in all of Bollywood cinema. Amitabh Bachchan proves why he was so damn popular for all those years in the dual role of Don and Vijay. As Don, he's ruthless and charismatic; as Vijay, he's carefree and charming. Bachchan masterfully creates a character who can take advantage of all the sympathies the script offers him to take. Had a less talented star been in the lead role, this movie wouldn't have been half as good since concern for Vijay is what really fuels the suspense. Finally, there's JJ. His situation is no less desperate than Vijay's, and the performance by the actor is no less compelling. I really miss movies that feature adult stars. I've done enough railing on the cult of youth in this review, so I won't rehash that except to say that it's so much nicer to see a movie full of characters with real depth, with some lines on their face, and with motivation for their actions beyond looking cool.

Finally there is the music. Like everything else in this movie, it kicks some major ass. What you here on Bombay the Hard Way is a good sample of what the film has to offer. Hardcore funky action tunes. It's one of the best scores from a decade in which great scores for action movies were the norm. Kalyanji Ananji really outdoes himself. The song and dance number music is not bad either. A couple 1970s style Bollywood pop songs from the ladies, Amitabh Bachchan's strange but enjoyable "I'm the Don!" number, and a couple more traditional sounding songs from scenes involving street performers and drunken revelry round out the wah-wah peddle drenched 1970s action music, lending an air of exoticism to it, unless of course you happen to be from India, where Indian things are not especially exotic.

It all comes together to make Don a fabulously entertaining piece of pulp cinema. It's got tons of action, a great story, great characters, and musical numbers that are at worst inoffensive and at times even enjoyable since they are grounded in the reality of the film and not just some wild forays into music video art. If you are looking for a good Indian film but are scared by all the festivities, Don is a great place to start. It's long but never dull, and the musical indulgences are subdued. What's more, it's just a damn good action film. Don is a shining example of why a well-written, well-performed film is so much more enjoyable than any of those dime a dozen blockbusters we have now. Despite the silliness that may creep into the story, Don makes you care about the characters, and that makes you care about the movie. Amitabh Bachchan and Zeenat Aman deserve places at the top of the action film pyramid, and Don is the reason why. If you want to see one great example of 1970s action, you could do a hell of a lot worse than...Don!

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Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

1978, United States. Starring Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, John Dennis Johnston, John Lisbon Wood, Lisa Jane Persky, John Chappell, Terry Lester, Richard Hein, Brion James. Directed by Gordon Hessler.

Band movies rarely stray very far from the tried and true "band movie" formula that consists of an entire film built around the band trying to get to a concert amid an onslaught of wacky hijinks, and very often, meddling censorship board type people. This plot has worked for everyone from The Beatles to The Spice Girls. Hell even the Atari 2600 video game "Journey" revolved around the player guiding Steve Perry, or a crudely rendered rectangular likeness thereof, through a variety of pitfalls en route to what was sure to be a rockin' stage show.

So when KISS decided to expand their mass marketing onslaught beyond the world of dollies and pinball machines and into movies (or at least into made for TV movies), it's no surprise that the plot was about KISS trying to get to a concert amid a series of pitfalls and shenanigans. However, KISS is probably the only band that took the age-old storyline but weren't afraid to tweak it a bit by casting themselves not just as mere mortals playing rock and roll in goofy stage costumes, but also as intergalactic deities with magical powers and sacred talismans (talismen?).

To be frank, I'm pretty sick of talismans. Every fantasy movie ever made seems to involve a sacred talisman or a chosen one. Man, screw The Chosen One. There's so many goddamned "The Chosen Ones" running around in the woods that it's a miracle those dark lords and prophets can keep track of things. I'll be happy if I never again see a movie featuring a sacred talisman, amulet, or "The Chosen One." How many more The Chosen Ones do we need? It's like, eventually everyone gets to be The Chosen One. I mean, when they start dragging Keaneu Reeves out as a The Chosen One, you know they're running out of candidates. Who's the next The Chosen One? Arnold Stang? Patrick Swayze? Wait, I think he might have The Chosen One of which the Prophecy spoke in Steele Dawn. So maybe C. Thomas Howell will be the next The Chosen One. Or Fred Savage.

All things considered, I'm sure you noticed that The Chosen One is almost always a total loser dweeb kid. We as a society should take a more responsible role in choosing our chosen ones. When we start ending up with Eddie Deezen as The Chosen One, it's not much further until we're electing Bill Clinton. Teleport City will be the first to launch the hip new Prophecy awareness campaign, "Rock the Chosen One."

KISS has a history with The Chosen One. You know KISS as the ass-kicking metal band who banged out teen anthems like "Rock and Roll All Night," and songs stoners use to woo their girls, like "Beth." Few people pay attention to that phase KISS went through I like to refer to as "disco metal." It eventually evolved into that sort of metal where they sing in a falsetto voice about dwarves and Balrogs and shit. Black Sabbath was probably the band that laid the groundwork for role playing metal, but KISS really brought it into its own with the oft ignored album The Elder.

The Elder went a long way in breaking the band up. Ace and Peter wanted to return to the band's hard rock roots while Paul and Gene were deeply involved in putting together this medieval fantasy disco metal album. Frehley washed his hands of the whole project and actually plays on only one song, coincidentally enough the one song with a substantial guitar solo. The idea behind The Elder was to put together a "rock opera" about a young "The Chosen One," who is battling wizards and demons and apparently doing a lot of sailing. The particulars are unclear to me. After the album was complete, the whole thing would be made into a movie a la The Who's Quadrophenia or Tommy, with 1970s lovable loser mainstay Chris Makepeace cast as "The Chosen One."

The most positive thing you can say about the whole thing is that Chris is a decent "The Chosen One." This guy built a career on being the lovable loser who saves the day and finds the magic within in such 1970s teen hits as Meatballs and the superb My Bodyguard. Based on the KISS album, he would play the usual reluctant loser who can't possibly become a great savior despite some old fart telling him he is The Chosen One. In the end, of course, his bravery awakens and he saves us all from the forces of darkness. I have to base my plot summary on the music because the movie never actually got made.

The Elder was universally panned by critics and KISS fans alike. Ace left the band, as did Peter Criss. It sold about ten copies, one of which was to me, and one to my old roommate Pat. When I tried to buy the album in CD, the hippie at the record store in Gainesville didn't want to sell it to me. He pleaded with me not to buy the album because it was the worst piece of shit ever recorded. I persisted, and of course, he was right. It is awful, but that's exactly what I expected, and I was actually overjoyed by just how bad it truly was. I mean, when someone tells you that KISS has teamed up with underground music icon Lou Reed to record a song, you expect something cool. Instead, you get some rock ballad about knights and legions and shit.

Anyway, this whole digression was basically meant to say I generally hate any movies featuring "The Chosen One," and the illustrate that despite the blood spitting, KISS are the cheesiest motherfuckers around.

Anyway, getting back to the movie, KISS refrained from putting any "The Chosen Ones" in this film, though there is a sort of evil wizard guy. And like I said, the members of KISS are all space gods with the ability to fly and shoot animation out of their eyes. The action takes place entirely at an amusement park where KISS will be doing a big concert. The first half hour of the film follows the "funny" exploits of a band of "hooligans" who do holligany things like walk on the benches and mess around with ice cream. They are pretty typical 1970s TV movie hooligans, complete with the guy in one of those British guy knit golfer caps and official 1970s TV movie hooligan names: Sneed, Slime, Chopper, and of course the gal of the bunch, Dirty Dee.

We also get introduced to some tinkerer who is pissed that KISS is the star attraction of the park instead of his piece of shit animatronics that do high-tech things like, you know, wave and lean back and forth. These are supposedly some sort of technological marvels, much akin to what you will find in a parking lot carnival. The tinkerer, however, is also insane, because all scientists are, and unbeknownst to his employers at the park, he has been building an army of robots that move and look exactly like real humans. Now if he had been showing these as examples of his work instead of animatronic gorillas who turn their heads, maybe the owners might like him more. Oh yeah, he has a lair beneath the park, thus making him the phantom referred to in the title.

He starts kidnapping people, including the hooligans, and turning them into robots. Yes, he is making an army of robot zombies out of a cast who basically act that way to begin with. He also kidnaps the boyfriend of "the good girl," and in true 1970s TV movie form, she sets about solving the mystery of her boyfriend's disappearance.

Now you may be wondering certain things about KISS, like where the hell are they? I started wondering that myself, and after what seemed like an eternity, the night of the big concert finally comes and KISS flies down out the heavens (I swear) in full superimposed glory to play "Rock and Roll All Night." Afterwards, the good girl spies her boyfriend's robotic double in the backstage area working as a security guard. She tries to get to him, but security won't let her pass without being on "the list." I thought any woman could be on KISS's list, but oh well.

Luckily, KISS happens by and sees her struggling. Gene Simmons yells "STAR CHILD!" in a weird echo voice, which causes Paul Stanley to shoot magic beams out his eyes that allow him to read the girl's mind. I swear to God this is all in the movie. You don't think I'm insane and creative enough to come up with this shit, do you?

At least from this point on, KISS is actually in the movie. The evil tinkerer makes some KISS robots and sends the Gene Simmons robot out to smash things up. Naturally, the real Gene Simmons gets blamed, but the others are quick to point out that Gene has been with them all day, sitting by the pool in full KISS regalia and sparkling robes. Paul Stanley begins to suspect something evil is afoot, and Ace continuously croaks, "Aawwwkkk!" for no real reason other than to annoy everyone. They all get together to sing "Beth" to the good girl who is not named Beth, then bring her into their secret chamber where they keep the magic KISS talismans that give them their special powers. This leads to one of the best bits of dialogue in the whole movie:

Paul (say in high voice with little emotion): "If they were to fall into the wrong hands..."

Gene (in magic echo demon voice): "There are no right hands but ours!!!"

They tend to just leave this shit lying around on a bean bag chair, but they are confident that the magic force-field that surrounds them will keep everything safe. Still, the tinkerer can't help but send robots to try and steal the KISS amulets. KISS themselves have many kungfu battles with, umm, with ... werewolves? I don't really know. Werewolves in metallic silver bodysuits. KISS not only does kungfu in their big-ass clunky boots, but they can also fly. Gene can blow fire and Paul can shoot laser beams from his eyes. Ace can do backflips and Peter can, umm, I don't know. He has all the powers of a cat, so I guess he curls up on the werewolf's newspaper while it is trying to read.

KISS have another mystical kungfu battle in a house of horrors type thing. It's not quite on par with Jackie Chan's funhouse fight in My Lucky Stars, but Jackie was only wearing a goofy mascot outfit, not platformed dragon boots. Unfortunately for KISS, the tinkerer uses a magic space ray to shatter the force field around their talismans and steal them. Thus KISS lose all their special powers and get captured.

The tinkerer gives them a tour of his secret lair, explains his entire diabolical plan to use his robots to incite riots or something, shows them the KISS robots that will turn the concert into a bloodbath, sits the mystic talismans on the coffee table next to KISS's cage, then leaves. This guy must have gone to the "Batman Villain School of Planning." The KISS robots go to the concert and whip the crowd into a frenzy by playing "Rip and Destroy" while using hypnosis that makes the crowd rip and destroy. Who will save us? Will KISS be able to unite their psychic powers to get the talismans left lying about a foot away from them? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

Of course KISS gets the talismans back! They fly to the concert like a bunch of gaudy Supermen just in time to save the day with more silly kungfu and magic eye laser beams. Then, after having destroyed the evil robots, releasing all the kidnapped people, and vanquished their foes, they take the stage to play "Rock and Roll All Night" one more time as the credits roll.

This movie is not quite as bad as The Elder, but it's also not as funny. Once KISS finally shows up, things start to move along, but that first half hour is just painful. I like that KISS had no trouble casting themselves as mythic gods of the space ways and masters of kungfu. And I like that, in a movie about KISS, the soundtrack is comprised almost entirely of bad (and I mean bad) disco action music and wah-wah stuff (or as someone referred to it, "walk a chicken walk a chicken" music). Fast forward past the first third of the movie to the part where KISS actually arrives, and you have a decent, thoroughly silly movie in which rock stars in platformed boots shoot magic beams and fly and fight werewolf-monkey looking things with kungfu.

KISS's acting ranges from passable (Gene) to abysmal (Paul) to utterly puzzling (why does Ace keep yelling "Awwwkkk!???"). Everyone else is pretty wooden, which is typical of television movies, and of most movies I suppose. However, most movies don't have KISS flying around in them and breathing fire. You can also catch late, great B-movie mainstay Brion James in a bit part as a guard who gets his ass handed to him by the rampaging Gene Simmons robot.

Director Gordon Hessler directed all sorts of shitty TV shows in the 1970s, including episodes of CHiPs, Wonder Woman, Kolchak: the Night Stalker, and Kungfu. His best movie is definitely the spectacular Ray Harryhausen powered fantasy The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, but of course we love him most for being the director of the last of the 1980s ninja craze movies, the Sho Kosugi last hurrah Pray for Death.

It's not good. But it's bad, and that's good. It's certainly a lot more fun to watch than that last KISS movie, Detroit Rock City which didn't feature any kungfu werewolf monkeys, robots, or Ace Frehley screaming, "Awwwkkk!" This is probably the best made for TV movie around, but that's not saying much, and like all TV movies of the 1970s, it has a message for us, a lesson the teach. That message is that if a mad scientists starts unleashing robot armies of the damned, just kungfu their asses back into the stone age. And fly. And yell, "STAR CHILD!!" at inopportune moments and as often as you possibly can. If you have a friend who can then shoot mind reading laser beams out his eyes that go "Pew pew pew pew," then so much the better.

This is the kind of movie Yngwei Malmsteen fans would write. Frankly, I'm glad they made this instead of The Elder, but I wish they'd made The Elder instead of Detroit Rock City.

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Friday, February 22, 2002

Bandits, Prostitutes, and Silver

1978, Hong Kong. Starring Don Wong Dao, Angela Mao Ying, Lo Lieh, Tao Wong.

Well, sooner or later we were going to have to address this, so it might as well be now. Arena Video, or maybe you know them as Xenon. Whatever the name may be, you certainly know their trailer for Black Spring Break. Since groups like the Wutang Clan revitalized the popularity of old school kungfu films among fans of hip hop, Xenon was quick to cash in on the trend. They grabbed every old kungfu film they could get their grubby mitts on, made ultra-shitty EP speed dupes of them, changed the names to something stupid, and dumped them on the market knowing suckers like me who knew better would still shell out a few bucks here and there for certain titles.

Xenon is a rotten company, make no doubt about it. Not as rotten as Tai Seng video, but still plenty sleazy. Just about every movie they got -- and I doubt they have the rights to most of them, since a good lot of their releases are nothing more than third or fourth generation dupes of the old Ocean Shores dubbed video cassettes -- they changed the title to have something to do with the Wutang Clan. Previously, they retitled everything to have something to do with Shaolin, and before that, I bet they were the ones going around adding "Ninja" to the title of every kungfu film back in the early 1980s. The implication is twofold: 1) black folks love kungfu movies, and 2) black folks are too stupid to realize this movie has nothing to do with hip hop music.

Assumption number one I can't contest. A healthy love of kungfu films is a requirement, in my opinion, so anyone displaying such a love gets points in my book. As for point number two, well that's obviously a load of nonsense. I doubt anyone but the dimmest kid, regardless of color, actually believes a movie was ever made with the title Wutang Hos, Thugs, and Scrillah, but they called a movie by that title anyway. This is to say nothing of the seemingly endless number of films they bought and called Rumble in Hong Kong or Chow Yun-fat's Hardboiled Killer. When it comes to insulting blacks and attempting to dupe people new to the world of Asian films, Xenon/Arena has absolutely no shame. Sammo Hung was never the Phat Dragon, and there was never a movie called Wutang Matrix. That last one is one of my favorites. I mean, what the hell? Did they honestly think someone was going to believe it was related in some way to the over-rated Keaneu Reeves sci-fi film? Geez, they have nothing but utter contempt for their target audience.

Frankly, I can live with insulting and stupid retitling if it means I'm able to get nice looking copies of movies I love. Despite the absurd titles, a lot of the films are actually top notch kungfu fare. Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, most of the releases are nothing more than cheap-ass bootlegs. In fact, calling them bootlegs is an insult to bootleggers. A couple tapes are nice quality, but the fast majority of them are third generation dupes, often with chewed up pictures, constant tracking problems, EP speed, and other signs of quality and care. Just more evidence of how much Xenon hates you. I even got one where they neglected to even edit out the blue screen and "play" display when they started recording the tape. The artwork on the covers is often from entirely different movies as well. The only saving grace of these pieces of garbage is that the films are generally good even if the tape isn't, and you can pick them up for ultra cheap. It's worth the gamble in hopes that you score one of the rare decent prints or at least a movie that is so good you can live with the myriad technical glitches of the cassette.

Bandits, Prostitutes, and Silver has always been one of my favorite kungfu films, if for no other reason than because it's so relentlessly depressing. Xenon has decided to retitle it Wutang Thugs, Hos, and Scrillah, which I guess is at least an accurate translation into "insulting street lingo," though I won't pretend to know what the hell "scrillah" is. I guess it's silver, but I've never heard anyone use the term. I may a dumb scrawny cracker, but I still live in New York. I can't even think of a situation in which some street thug would be talking about scrillah. Money, sure. Gold? You bet. But silver doesn't seem to be a high priority with today's up and coming street kids. Oh well, if there is ever an urban rush on the silver market, at least Xenon has the word ready for us. Scrillah aside, this movie has absolutely nothing to do with Wutang, which is par for the course in 99% of the Xenon tapes with "Wutang" in the title. I'm waiting for them to release Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as Wutang Matrix Killah and The Hardboiled Wutang Bitch.

One thing I can definitely say about this film is that it's aptly named. The movie is primarily about bandits, prostitutes, and silver. So right away you know what you are getting into. Fabulous fighter Don Wong Dao stars as a down on his luck cart driver whose one true love has been sold into prostitution to pay off her parents' debts. Wong dreams of the day he has enough money to buy her freedom, and they can forget all the nastiness in the world. Unfortunately, he seems to earn about ten silver pieces a year. With the going price for his lover's freedom being 180 silver pieces, he's not exactly making a lot of headway. Part of the problem could be his chosen profession. Cart driver? He proves early on he's a master of kungfu, so why not get a job as a bodyguard or an escort? Why not open a kungfu school? Geez, why not stand on the street and beg? You'd probably be doing better than what this chump is making.

He might also be doing better if he would quit paying to spend the night with his girl. I know he loves her and all, but shelling out your hard earned cash you're supposed to be saving to free her just seems counter-productive, especially when all they do is stand around and say, "I'm saving money to set you free." She knows that, asshole, and you just spent half of it to tell her.

As is required for a kungfu film, Wong crosses the local rich bastard, who then makes it his personal quest to humiliate Wong by sleeping with Wong's gal every chance he gets. He even goes so far as to threaten to buy her before Wong is able to do so, which at the rate Wong was going, would leave a cushy ten thousand year window of opportunity. Frustrated by his lack of progress, heart broken as he watches his girl service his arch-nemesis, and just generally pissed off at how the world seems constructed to keep the little guy down, Wong befriends a famous bandit named Sparrow. You may laugh at a guy named Sparrow, but then you'll have to explain to your friends how a guy named Sparrow kicked your ass and stole all your scrillah.

Sparrow offers Wong a chance to make more money in one afternoon than he would make in a lifetime, or once again, at the rate Wong was saving money, in ten million lifetimes. All Wong has to do is drive the cart in one of Sparrow's heists. Ahh yes, the getaway car driver. Is there any less fortunate character in all of action cinema? Set it in modern day American cities or ancient China, and the result is always the same. Getaway drivers have nothing but bad luck. Wong is hesitant. He's always been a straight arrow. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and the kungfu film thrives on the character of a good man gone bad or a peaceful man pushed to the brink of violence. Personally, I make it a rule in my life to never ever piss off a guy who struggles to maintain a peaceful nonviolent lifestyle despite being a whirlwind of kungfu power. It's just one of those things I figure I'm better off not doing, like heroin or robbing the Mafia.

Nothing is ever as simple as just stealing a huge shipment of scrillah, though. Lo Lieh runs an escort service hired to protect the silver. Unfortunately for the guy who hired him, Lo's true agenda is to work with the famed Three Scars Gang to steal the silver for himself. He'll dole out some to the gang, some for himself, and then triumphantly return the rest to its rightful owner, who will be thankful and give him a big reward. Personally, I'd kick the guy in the shins for letting my silver... err, scrillah... get stolen. Actually, no. Add to my list of things not to do "kick Lo Lieh in the shins."

Lo Lieh, of course, is a kungfu film institution. He was a staple of the wonderful 1960s Shaw Brothers swordsman films alongside Jimmy Wang Yu and Cheng Pei-pei. He usually played a good-hearted but somewhat dim-witted guy, and there was always a good chance for a romantic triangle involving he, Jimmy, and Pei-pei. If you only know Cheng Pei-pei as the leathery, truly frightening Jade Fox in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, then man alive are you in for a shock when you see how astoundingly beautiful she was in the 1960s. Lo Lieh's transition to kungfu films went much better than Jimmy's. While Jimmy faltered and never really hit a stride in kungfu films, Lo Lieh flourished, though not in the role we knew him for. After starring as a hero in the amazingly brutal kungfu classic Five Fingers of Death, Lo caught a bad case of the uglies. His mustache went from debonair to mangy, and he always seemed to be sweating a lot. It was only natural, then, to cast him as a bad guy, a role he played in scores of films. Whether or not he was evil more times than Wang Lung-wei is a counting job best left to today's fastest super-computers.

The Three Scars gang is lead by the delightful Angela Mao Ying, one of the true greats of kungfu films. I'm at a bit of a loss as to why you would cast Angela Mao in your film and then proceed to not have her fight, but whatever. She's cute, but cute is for wimpy girls who aren't powered by the fury of kungfu. Angela Mao should be cute and kick some serious ass. Anything else is just a waste of her talents. The Scars aren't all that happy with the deal, but like everyone else they have to make a living. They think it's unfair that they do all the work but Lo takes the lion share of the loot. When they find out Sparrow is also after the silver, they're even less enthused, because he's damn good.

Wong agrees to drive the cart, and he and Sparrow are the first to get to the shipment of silver. When Sparrow demands that Wong kill the driver of the other cart, Wong refuses. He won't commit murder, and besides, that's a fellow cart driver there just trying to earn a living. Sparrow gets right pissed and attacks Wong, but after a rather great fight and a rather goofy "rolling shenanigans," Wong proves the better fighter. Sparrow is accidentally stabbed by his own knives and has to give the dying, "I knew I would die one day, but I never thought... it would be... like this!" after which one must spit up a lot of blood then fall over. The spitting up of blood is crucial. Any seasoned kungfu film fan will tell you that if you're gonna die, you have to spit up blood, preferably while making the "sour" face and reaching out with one arm while the other holds the knife in your belly.

Wong is terrified and takes off in the getaway cart, forgetting that the chests of silver are in the back. Meanwhile, the Three Scars gang is looking like a bunch of chumps hiding behind a tree a little ways up the road, wondering what the hell is taking so long. Wong stops to collect himself in the woods and realizes then that he has a shitload of scrillah with him. He does the "laugh and let the money fall through your fingertips into a big pile" thing, which I usually do, only with pennies. I don't know if there is a slang word for pennies that is comparable to scrillah. Let's call them nuchwaezchers. He starts daydreaming of proudly walking up to the whorehouse and demanding the release of his love. Then he falls asleep, which is generally a bad thing to do just a few minutes after killing a famous bandit and hightailing through the woods with a fortune in stolen silver.

When he wakes up, he's staring at the feet of a very annoyed Three Scars gang. There's a tussle in which Wong once again emerges victorious until Angela Mao steps up and shows us her secret weapon -- spinning razor blades hidden in her shoes! That can't be comfortable to walk on. She reveals that while she is indeed the leader of a ruthless gang of bandits, she's not totally devoid of compassion. She offers Wong a cut of the silver and a position in the gang, recounting to him how he reminds her of her husband when he was young and driven instead of laying on the ground after just getting his ass kicked by Don Wong Dao. Wong however maintains that despite the day's tragic turn of events, he'll only take enough money to free his girlfriend. He has no desire to enter a life of crime. Angela sighs and tells him it's too late; a life of crime has already entered him.

Back in town, word of Wong's sudden skill in the art of committing crimes spreads quickly. His girl can hardly believe that he'd do such a thing, while Lo Lieh is convinced that Wong's in cahoots with the Three Scars Gang to rip him off. When he confronts them using kungfu and a head-slicing steel whip, we finally get to see some ass-kicking action courtesy of Angela Mao. It's a great fight, like just about all the fights in this film. I only wish they'd done more with someone as capable as Angela in the film. Despite her secret weapon, neither she nor her husband are good enough to beat Lo. That task can only be completed by one man, and he's heading right into a trap at the brothel.

Wong knows they'll set a trap for him there, but he has no choice. What he doesn't expect, and frankly I don't know why he didn't, was that they'd have his girl tied up in the head slicing thing as a hostage. The good thing about a kungfu movie is that even with a predictable, run of the mill plot there is still a lot of tension generated because anyone could die at any moment. It doesn't matter who they are, how heroic or innocent they've been, or how important they've been to the story up until that point. Everyone is fair game. In an American film, there'd be no tension because you'd know the girl was not going to get decapitated. In an old school Hong Kong kungfu film, you don't have that promise. It's just as likely, perhaps even more likely, that heads will roll.

The final fight is fierce and suitably tragic. The hero doesn't get the girl, but he does get a noose around the neck. In one of the most powerful finales to a kungfu fight, Wong is tied to one end of a rope while Lo is on the other. Using an archway, he hangs himself in order to hang Lo. The final shot of Wong's limp feet hanging a foot above the ground while the stolen silver pours out of his torn pocket is a heavy-handed but effective visual, and it puts the entire moral point of the movie right there in front of you. It's that moral that lifts this movie above the usual "guy out for revenge" film.

Bandits, Prostitutes, and Silver is simply a fabulous film. The acting is great, and the characters manage to avoid most of the cliches. Well, except for the villains. They laugh and stroke their beards and kill everyone they can. But the good guys are an interesting lot. Wong's character is great, noble without being overbearing. He's flawed. When he's faced with a chest full of silver, he becomes greedy. He gets confused. Frustrated. He struggles to be good, but he's also corruptible. In short, he's a fairly believable human character. Likewise, Angela Mao and her husband are interesting. They're not good guys. They're not even bad guys with hearts of gold. For the most part, they are pretty ruthless, but the back story of how they became bandits and why they show compassion for Wong makes them interesting.

Since this is a kungfu film, let's talk about the fights. Don Wong Dao is spectacular. His name may not be as familiar to people as Jackie Chan or any of the Shaw Brothers stars, but he's a tremendous fighter. Fast, powerful, and graceful. He carries the action scenes remarkably, and he's helped by a stellar supporting cast. Angela Mao and Lo Lieh are, of course, acclaimed veterans, but even the extras put up great fights. Quantity is one thing, quality another. Luckily, this movie features both, and that makes it one hell of a ride toward a thoroughly depressing ending. It's the sort of thing only a kungfu film, or possibly a spaghetti western, would ever dare to try.

Everyone is doomed and depressed. Mao and her husband miss their simple life. Wong has the whole girlfriend forced into prostitution thing as well as having to deal with the fact that once you take a step down the path of violence, it's very difficult to turn back. Greed and anger spawned from his frustration with seeing how goodness doesn't seem to accomplish anything in a world this evil eventually ruin his life despite how valiantly he struggles to avoid them. The depression adds an added degree of ferocity to the kungfu, which was already pretty fast-paced and impressive to begin with. Kungfu films are always great for morality plays because, and you'll have to excuse the pun, they pull no punches. The tragedy playing itself out in Bandits, Prostitutes, and Silver is every bit as poignant -- and violent -- as a Shakespearean drama. I know ol' William's melodramatic works are on a pedestal these days, looked at as high art. But in their own day, they were seen as worthless, violent crap. Lowest common denominator trash full of greed, lust, and perversion. Maybe someday hundreds of years from now, people will regard kungfu films with the same degree of reverence. Ha, yeah sure. Pro wrestling, too.

The Xenon tape of this movie is awful, and not just because of the stupid new title they slapped on it. The tracking is off through the whole thing, so the picture is jittery. It's fuzzed out from being several generations down, and as if to cement it's place in the world of crappy bootlegs, they don't even bother to edit out the Ocean Shores copyright message at the end of the film. With that said, if you can't find the film anywhere else, you might as well fork over your eight bucks and deal with the shitty quality because the high quality of the film far outweighs the low quality of the transfer. I wish someone out there would spend a little more scrillah on these films and give fans a product worth buying. Movies as phenomenal as Bandits, Prostitutes, and Silver deserve better treatment than this.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Convoy Buster

1978, Italy. Starring Maurizio Merli, Olga Karlatos, Massimo Serato, Nello Pazzafini, Mario Feliciani, Mimmo Palmara, Marco Gelardini, Attilio Duse. Written by Gino Capone and Teodoro Corra. Directed by Stelvio Massi.

It's rare that I will watch a supposed tough action film star and feel compelled to yell, "You da man!" In fact, I can't think of any point in my life that I would feel compelled to yell that. But I will get close in the case of Italian action star Maurizio Merli, for whom I will nod, smile, and quietly say, "You are a bad mother fucker, Maurizio."

The sum total of movie stars I consider to be "bad mother fuckers" is small. Pam Grier is a bad mother fucker. Bruce Lee is a bad mother fucker. Jet Li is cool, but he's not a bad mother fucker. And you know they say that cat Shaft is a baaaad mother ... shut your mouth! They pretty much stopped making bad mother fuckers in the 1970s, with only a precious couple being made since then. By far the number one, if not only, bad mother fucker of the 1990s is Takeshi Kitano, a Japanese actor (among other things) who, in many ways, reminds me of one of the greatest bad mother fucker of them all, Maurizio Merli.

Merli is best known, at least to readers of this website, as the star of one of my very favorite films, and one of the best action films ever made, Violent Napoli. In that, he played a tough as nails police inspector who beats ass on every criminal within a hundred mile radius. In Convoy Buster, he makes a dramatic departure. This time around, he plays a tough as nails police inspector who beats ass on every criminal within a two hundred mile radius.

The basic lesson you learn from any of these poliziotteschi films is don't fuck with Maurizio Merli. It's like those When Animals Attack videos. If you put your head in a lion's mouth while you shove a wolverine up its ass, there's a good chance either the lion, the wolverine, or both will take your soft pink simian hide to wilderness school. Similarly, if you threaten Maurizio Merli, he will kick you in the teeth, break your nose, and look like a million bucks while he's doing it.

I don't remember his character's name in this movie, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but in any poliziotteschi film, there's a 75% chance that the main character's name is Inspector Nico. Anyway, Merli plays the baddest cop in the crime-torn city of Rome, circa the mid 1970s. When he isn't beating the shit out of criminals, and it's rare that he isn't beating the shit out of at least some criminal (probably even when he is taking a shower), he spends most of the movie doing what all rogue cops are required to do, which is give angry impassioned speeches about the sorry state of police affairs and society. You can pretty much sum up each of these conversations with the following bit of dialogue.

"Inspector, your methods are too controversial."

"My methods get results!"

"Your methods get us in trouble with the press, with citizen's groups -- do you know I was getting chewed out by the mayor all morning."

"I'm sorry about your political problems. I have a bigger problem, and that's this system. Your system protects the guilty and punishes the innocent. Citizens are prisoners in their own homes while criminals and lawyers run wild."

"Damnit, inspector! You go too far! You work for the judiciary system!"

"I work for justice, not for the system."

At which time, the inspector will walk out, leaving the beleaguered chief to eat the dust of righteousness. Slight variations may occur, but the spirit is always the same.

Cliche as they may be, no one delivers the "indignant public servant" spiel as Merli. He don't take no shit from The Man. Merli always plays an interesting figure. He works for the system without being part of it. In Violent Napoli, I compared him to John Shaft or Kojak, and the comparison still stands here. Probably more like Kojak than anyone else -- the warrior with a broken heart. The man who wants to help society, to protect the innocent, but is frustrated at every turn by corruption, incompetence, politics, and bureaucracy.

His role as Rome's number one ass kicker gets him on a lot of Mafia shitlists, and before too long, Merli finds he can scarcely walk down the street without someone trying to assassinate him. When he mistakenly shoots and kills an innocent man he thought was an assassin, Merli realizes he'll never be the victor in a place as twisted and corrupt as Rome. He vows to never fire his gun again, resigns his position, and leaves the city.

He takes a post in a small town by the ocean, where the biggest crime seems to be the occasional drunken ass grabbing by some local louts. Once Merli kicks their asses across Europe and back, they fall into place and everything seems good. He even gets himself a fine woman. Life, it would seem, couldn't be more perfect.

At least until Merli starts snooping around some strange happenings down at the fishing docks. He soon uncovers a gun smuggling operation right in the middle of his idyllic ocean hamlet and, with weary dedication to his job, realizes he must break out his ass kicking shoes one more time.

The convoy he busts, incidentally, has nothing to do with Kris Kristoferson. It's the string of trucks that drive to the beach to pick up all the illegal guns. Make no mistake about it, though, if I found out there was a movie where Maurizio Merli did beat the unholy Hell out of Kris Kristoferson, I'd be first in line to see it.

Convoy Buster isn't as vicious as Merli's Violent Rome but it's a better movie, and it's not as good as Violent Napoli but it's a little less brutal. Merli shines, as usual. I compared him to Takeshi Kitano earlier. Both men make similar movies and play similar characters -- tough, quiet guys who can do more acting with a simple flicker of the face or move of the eye than most stars can do with their whole body. Both men are subtle and understated, but when the time comes for fisticuffs, explode in violent whirlwinds. I think any fan of Kitano films like Violent Cop and Hana-Bi should definitely be sinking their teeth into Maurizio Merli films like Convoy Buster and Violent Napoli.

Violent Napoli is his best film, and one of the bets action films of all time, but Convoy Buster runs a close second. It is packed with tons of action and violence, a fast pace, and a healthy dose of wit and charm.

The message here is a somewhat bleak one. Merli leaves Rome to escape the corruption and violence only to discover it can exist anywhere so long as people are willing to turn a blind eye and put up with it. Even in victory, the inspector learns a harsh lesson and is forced to reload his gun one last time, much like Ling the swordsman in Swordsman II, who was a man who simply wanted to retire to the mountains to sing and drink but kept finding himself pulled into the petty squabbles and power struggles of the world, forced to draw the sword he swore he would never again use.

One thing is certain. Put together a force including Ling, Kojak, and Maurizio Merli, and the world would be a better place. They may sigh about it and mourn the state of the troubled world, but they'll still find time to beat you silly.

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Thursday, December 06, 2001

Star Wars Holiday Special

1978, United States. Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Jefferson Airplane. Directed by Steve Binder.

A lot of people my age have vague memories of a Star Wars holiday specialback from some time in the 1970s, but beyond that their memories go blurry. Maybe they recall it had something or other to do with wookies, but specifics are difficult to drag up from the recesses of the mind -- and not without good reason. In my circle of friends, it was referred to simply as A Very Wookie Christmas, and the search for a copy was nearly as furious as our search for a copy of Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power and Cleopatra Wong, featuring that sexy Asian girl dressed up as a sawed-off-shotgun toting nun. Yep, those are things for which we live. Well, we're not even convinced Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power actually exists, and we've since found both Cleopatra Wong (still looking for that sequel, though!) and the Star Wars Holiday Special. When it comes to the Star Wars Holiday Special, I can firmly state that we're very happy to finally have a copy of Cleopatra Wong.

For so long, the Star Wars Holiday Special eluded us. It seems that some secret conspiracy was working to erase any and all memory of the show's existence, so much to the point that even people who knew they remembered began to wonder if I wasn't just planting that memory in their brain. And in fact, the conspiracy theory was partially true. George Lucas, the man behind the Star Wars phenomenon, refused to acknowledge the existence of the special. When it was brought up, he would suddenly become aloof and pissy, sort of like whenever anyone mentions Forever Monaco to Jean-Claude Van Damme. It was his first movie role, and he had a small part as a knee-squeezing gay kickboxer in a little sportscar. Although George Lucas has, to my knowledge, very little experience with gay kickboxers, he did once state in an interview that he wishes he could track down and destroy every last copy of the Holiday Special, which isn't that great a condemnation of the special itself, considering this is the same man who wants to track down and destroy every last copy of the original version of Star Wars before he added all the digital effects, extra jawas, and made Greedo shoot first.

Perhaps as part of the fervor surrounding the tremendously disappointing Phantom Menace, in 1999 the Holiday Special -- in it's own right very much a phantom menace to Lucas himself -- finally emerged. Someone out there had it on tape, complete with old commercials intact, and within mere weeks copies of the thing propagated across all the underground film channels. The Holiday Special, like the Jedi, had returned. Hundreds of us finally got to sit down once again and see why we'd labored so hard to forget it all.

The show aired on November 17th as part of the Thanksgiving season, which is more or less the kick-off for Christmas. As Scott noted in his review of Mad Monster Party, the 1970s were a time during which the branches of network television were positively dripping with the overripe fruit of holiday specials. There were the weird "furmation" Rankin-Bass things about Rudolph and big-eared Baby New Year, and Jack Frost kicking Frosty's ass, and then there were the variety specials. You kids who weren't around in the 1970s should be thankful for the demise of variety hour type programming like The Sonny and Cher Show or Captain and Tenille: bad disco jumpsuits, bad disco music, and the most hideous comedy sketches imaginable, usually involving Tim Conway in some capacity.

During the holiday season, there would be a glut of Christmas-themed specials which consisted mostly of Donnie and Marie Osmond singing, then acting surprised when special guest stars stopped by for a visit. "Who could be at the door on Christmas Eve? Why, it's Tim Conway!" followed by the requisite applause being piped in. As sprouts, we'd have to suffer through this banal bullshit in hope of perhaps catching that Charlie Brown special. Remember, this was before America's disillusionment with holidays and before A Christmas Story was played 24 hours a day for two weeks straight on eleven different channels. Instead, they played It's a Wonderful Life. Do ya...do ya know me, Burt!

When we caught wind of there being a Star Wars holiday special, the children of America wept sweet, sweet tears of joy, which George Lucas actually harvested and turned into money. The prospect of spending the holidays with the cast of Star Wars was overwhelmingly wonderful. Finally, instead of David Madden, Alan Sues, or Henry Gibson dropping by for a visit, it would be Walrusman or that Imperial guy with the big muttonchop sideburns. So it was with giddy anticipation that I sat down in front of the television set with my friends Roman and Mandy to watch the wild holiday exploits of Chewbacca, Luke, Han Solo, and that foxy, coked-up Princess Leia.

Plus, it would answer a question I've had since I first saw Star Wars: what do they do when they're not, you know, star warring? Is Darth Vader's average day spent filling out paperwork, doing photo ops, and dealing with new zoning laws? I mean, the guy has an empire to run. What about storm troopers? I mean, these are just regular guys, for the most part. One of my favorite parts in Star Wars is where two storm troopers on guard are just standing around bullshitting about some new car. How come in space, no one has television? In Star Trek, it's because they'd all rather get together and read poetry or listen to Data's violin recital. Ugh. Screw that. Surely Han Solo enjoys kicking back and seeing what's on TV once in a while. But mostly I wanted to see Darth Vader decorating a Christmas Tree and going, "WHo could that be at my airlock door? Why, it's that guy with the big long nose who ratted out Han Solo at the cantina!"

Well, the holiday special would answer all our questions in excrutiating detail about what Star Wars people do when they're not shooting blasters and posing for action figures. I can remember only two times in my childhood when I was pissed beyond the capacity for rational thought. The first was after finally getting Pac-Man for the Atari 2600. I waited for months, and that game was so pathetic that I wanted to reach into the TV and choke the life out of that pellet-eating piece of crap. The other incident was watching this special.

It's all about Chewbacca's struggle to return to the wookie home planet, named Rouflumpplofrum or some such wookie name. So, that sounds okay, right? Only it's not about Chewbacca at all. Almost the entire two hours of the special focuses on Chewie's family. There's his wife Molla, who is worried that her husband won't make it back in time for Life Day, the most scared of all wookie holidays, sort of like Guy Fawkes Day. There is Itchy, Chewbacca's father. You remember that ugly orangutan monster from Big Trouble in Little China? Well, he looks like that. Itchy is one ugly dude, and if this is any indication of how wookies age, Chewbacca might as well off himself right now.

And then there is Lumpy, Chewbacca's son who looks like that annoying little brat from Eight is Enough. I swear! Look at his picture! It looks just like him, only with a little more facial hair.

While they wait for Chewbacca to get home from his life of running guns and breaking the law (Chewbacca really isn't a very good role model, not to mention the fact that he's never around for his kids), they amuse themselves in all sorts of ways. Molla frets in the kitchen and watches a really long cooking. Itchy watches a little wookie porn. Yeah, you heard me. Wookie porn is pretty lame, even by porn standards. It's a hologram of a scantily clad human woman wriggling around and giving the usual phone sex phrases. Pretty risque for a family show. I don't know why wookies want porn of humans, other than who watching this holiday special would want to see a hairy wookie writhing around in a teddy? Well, okay, who besides the people who read this website? But it sort of works, I guess. After all, there were rumors that part of the reason Han Solo knew so much about wookies was because he was married to one. So if Han can dig a wookie, I guess certain wookies can enjoy watching a hairless pink lady with feathered 1970s hair dry hump a couch of a the future. That Itchy does this right in front of his family is what's more disturbing. Lumpy innocently plays with his stuffed bantha. Lord knows what Itchy would do if he got a hold of the thing.

Keep in mind that the entire show, which up until now seems to have been about fifteen hours long, has been performed in wookie, with lots of lame community theater arm-waving and pantomime. In order to inject some English into the special, the Chewie family (I thought Lumpy and Itchy were stupid names until I remembered he's called Chewie) is visited by their old friend. Who could that be at the door on Life Day Eve? Why, it's Art Carney! Weak applause. And I'm guessing they are the Chewbacca family. I really don't know what their last name is. It could be Chewbacca Jones for all I know, and in his youth, Chewbacca Jones had a sweet, perfectly spherical afro and did kungfu. Well, he couldn't have been that cool if his best friend after Han Solo is Art Carney. That's actually just as lame a guest appearance as Dave Madden and not nearly as satisfying as if it had just been Sammy Davis Jr.

Art Carney hangs with the Chewies and brings li'l Lumpy a hologram of some weird Cirque du Soliel meets The Moomenshontz sort of thing. So for about ten minutes we get to watch people dressed as chickens do flips and swing around on a trapeze, all shot in over-saturated translucent "hologram" style. Jeez, no wonder Chewbacca deserted his family. The wookie home planet sucks, and I'm beginning to think wookies suck, too. I always thought Chewbacca was cool, but not only is he a deadbeat dad, but other wookies enjoy softcore porn and pantomime. I always figured wookies would get rowdy and play polo with the heads of their enemies like in The Man Who Would Be King. If what we see from Chewie's family is any indication of wookie civilization as a whole, then it's no wonder The Empire conquered them so easily. By comparison, even Ewoks seem fierce, and I'm beginning to think that the whole thing about wookies pulling people's arms out of their socket is just a front. They seem more likely to take you off to the side and explain to you, possibly through some sort of modern theater performance, how you're really hurting their feelings. Maybe wookies don't have all that hair because they're wild, mighty beasts; maybe they're just a bunch of pretentious hippies. I mean, Chewbacca did carry a laser gun shaped like a crossbow, so it's a safe bet he was probably into Renaissance Festivals.

To remind us that we are in the Star Wars universe, we occasionally cut to Han Solo and Chewbacca aboard the Millenium Falcon trying desperately to outrun stock footage of star destroyers.

Molla places a call (did she use 1-800-CALLATT?) to Luke Skywalker, who she apparently caught indulging in his secret life as a drag queen. He has eyeliner on thick as Dr. Frank Furter. Luke tries to cover for himself by pretending to work with R2-D2 on his little space ship engine, which is sitting out on blocks. Thus Luke becomes much like the white trash guy in my old neighborhood, who had the engine for his Mustang sitting on blocks in the front yard while he worked on for what seemed like years. I guess Luke is from a small rural planet, so it only makes sense.

Luke can magically understand wookie and reassures Molla that Han and Chewie are probably just dead drunk with a couple of three-breasted hookers in some space cantina. Well, maybe not that exactly, but he does blow off her arm-waving concern and returns to breaking the space ship. Of note is the fact that R2-D2 actually has a little robotic hand that he uses to hold his space screwdriver. You'd think with all the gadgets that pop out of R2, he'd have a screwdriver and wouldn't have to hold one. But then, if he's a type of robot who frequently interacts with humans, you'd also figure they'd build him to speak some English.

From time to time, storm troopers also stop by to hassle the Chewies and see if they can find Chewbacca, who is a wanted fugitive. Luckily, Art Carney wows them with another little hologram, this one of the band Jefferson Starship. So we get another five minute guest performance as the band, dressed like gay space harlequins, performs some droning song (even more so than their usual stuff) that is apparently a big hit with storm troopers.

Itchy, in the meantime, watches cartoons, which are for some reason about Luke, Solo, and the rest of the gang. The cartoon, which is drawn in a weird style that reminds me of some of the stuff in Heavy Metal magazine, though not the sexy naked Guido Crepax stuff, is notable only because it introduces the character of Boba Fett. All in all, you have to wonder about The Empire. Can they really be so bad if they allow people to braodcast animated features about the sworn enemies of the government? I mean, if they were as evil as we're supposed to find them, they would have made everyone watch Gran Moff Tarkin explaining the benefits of big sideburns on Imperial officers.

Then what? Well, you were probably thinking, "This all sounds really good, but what we really need is a rousing cabaret number with Golden Girl Bea Arthur." Well, you got it, buddy! Cut to Tatooine and the famous Cantina at Mos Eisley space port. Bartender Bea Arthur rips into a rousing torch song with the cantina regulars, who may be wretched scum and villains but are still way into cabaret acts and vaudeville. I'm guessing the dolled-up Luke Skywalker we saw earlier would be into this. Maybe that's just the way things are on Tatooine, a planet colonized by a race of Joel Grays from the film Cabaret. I can just see Uncle Owen dressed in fishnets and leather dancing around with naked Jawas going, "Zee Cabaret!"

And for that matter, these scum and villains do a lot of hugging and back patting and misty-eyed looking off into the distance while talking about how times just aren't simple anymore, and sometimes we have to bid farewell to fond friends and memories. I know bad guys can get nostalgic and do soul-searching sometimes, but do we really need to see Greedo knocking one back and going, "Yeah, I used to be somebody."

So after an endless parade of wookie cooking, wookie porn, Bea Arthur musical numbers, Jefferson Starship, holograms of clowns, and wookie arm waving, Chewbacca finally gets his ass home, which allows Han Solo to hug a lot of wookies, making me think that maybe the thing about Han's wookie wife might be true. But wait! Who could be knocking on the door on Life Day Eve? Why, it's Luke Skywalker, who apparently flew at super hyper warp speed from his trailer park to be at Life Day. Because there's nothing humans love more than wookie holidays, sort of like how Muslims all over the world can't wait to celebrate Chanukkah. And here's Princess Leia looking all whacked out on space cocaine. And C3PO! Oh happy day! Oh happy Life Day!

Life Day consists of a bunch of wookies loitering at a tree for about five minutes while Princess Leia -- sexy Carrie Fisher herself -- belts out a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme. This reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Bill Murray sings the Star Wars lounge song. The only real difference is that Carrie Fisher performs with glazed eyes anda stare far more distant than even the one Luke used when he gazed off with yearning for adventure at the two setting suns in the desert skies of Tattoine.

I know, I know. It sounds funny, but wookie sit-coms can only go so far. How long can we watch Molla in the kitchen? Apparently, not long enough for the writers, who keep us in there forever watching her mix wookie pancakes and make phone calls.

Pretty much everyone considers this a black eye on the handsome face of the Star Wars franchise, though I at least enjoyed it more than Phantom Menace. In fact, given the bruising that the franchise has endured with two atrocious prequel films and George Lucas' refusal to ever release the original three films on DVD without his latter-day digital tinkering and emasculating (by God, Han Solo should shoot first!), The Star Wars Holiday Special is fast becoming among the least embarrassing of the growing number of Star Wars foibles.

What I find most amusing about this holiday special isn't that it's done like a typical holiday special, only with wookies, but that the entire cast of Star Wars thought it was cool. I mean, they must have read the script. Surely they knew. But no, even respectable Harrison Ford read "Bea Arthur launches into a rousing cabaret tune, then hugs one of those Greedo looking things." He read that and nodded and went, "Yes, this rocks!" I mean, we can expect this sort of thing from Mark Hamill. After all, he made Corvette Summer. And Carrie Fisher, ahh the lovely Carrie Fisher, probably harbored childhood dreams of being a singer, so she could live those out be being in this heart-warming special. Plus, it's likely she didn't even know who or where she was at the time. But what was Harrison Ford thinking? I mean, even back then he'd already done more quality work than the entire cast combined except for Peter Cushing. But here he is, feeling up every wookie within reach.

This review maybe makes it sound like it's so bad it's good, and in some ways, I guess it is, but in most other ways, it's sort of like putting live hornets in your ass. Now we know why we all blocked the existence of this movie from out collective consciousness, relegating it to the distant nether-regions of vague recollection, sort of like that song, "What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Has a Comb?" Well, apparently you get him some porn or a hologram of Marcel Marceau.

I can sum up the entire Star Wars Holiday Special with a line from the film Aliens: "My mommy told me there's no such things as monsters, but there are, aren't there?"

Yes, Newt. Yes there are.

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posted by Keith at | 0 Comments