film    print    sound    leisure    forum
company line »

shopping guide »

contact us »

get reviewed »

get published »

expand yourself »


find it »

Teleport City search allows you to search our entire site as well as our favorite sites about cult films, obscure music, literature, and swank living.


film home | a-b | c-d | e-f | g-h | i-l | m-n | o-q | r-s | t-v | w-z

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Murder Plot

Release Year: 1979
Country: Hong Kong
Starring: David Chiang Da-Wei, Ching Li, Wong Chung, Chen Ping, Danny Lee Sau-Yin, Candice Yu On-On, Lo Lieh, Cheng Miu, Ngaai Fei, Lam Fai-Wong, Goo Goon-Chung, Lau Wai-Ling, Wai Wang, Johnny Wang Lung-Wei, Teresa Ha Ping, Yeung Chi-Hing, Chiang Nan
Writers: Chor Yuen, Ku Long
Director: Chor Yuen
Cinematographer: Wong Chit
Action Director: Tong Gai
Music: Frankie Chan Fan-Kei
Producer: Runme Shaw


If memory serves, the thing that first brought me to Teleport City was a Google search I did for the Hong Kong director Chor Yuen. At the time I was in the early stages of a now full-blown obsession with Chor, specifically with the adaptations of Ku Long's wuxia novels that he filmed for Shaw Brothers during the late seventies and early eighties. Given that obsession, you might think -- now that I'm living the dream and actually writing for Teleport City -- I would have gotten around to covering one of those films. But, the truth is that I've been a little intimidated by the prospect. You see, I enjoy those films on such a pre-verbal level that I fear words will fail me in communicating just what it is that I love about them so much. Fortunately, Keith has already done a lot of the heavy lifting for me by covering some of Chor's better known, more revered films like Clans of Intrigue and The Magic Blade, which affords me the opportunity to turn my attention to one of the lesser-known, perhaps not quite as accomplished, but none-the-less thoroughly enjoyable films from this chapter in his career. You see? Baby steps.

Chor Yuen came to Shaw Brothers with deep roots in the Cantonese language cinema of Hong Kong. His father, Cheung Wood-Yau, had been a popular actor in Cantonese film, which makes it no surprise that Chor, as a young student, turned to performing in films himself when he needed to make ends meet. Being a quick learner, and well aware that he lacked the qualifications of a successful leading man, Chor turned his attention to work behind the camera, and soon went from being an assistant director to directing his own films. During this period in his career, while working for the studio Kong Ngee Co. -- as well as through an independent company that he established with his wife, the actress Nam Hung -- Chor specialized in social realist dramas and romances, mostly small-scale films that focused on characters and relationships rather than action. But he also broke new ground with his 1965 hit The Black Rose, one of Hong Kong's first contemporary action films to incorporate modish elements inspired by the Bond films and TV series like The Avengers.




As the sixties neared their close, the Cantonese language film industry was in steep decline. Given that its product was mostly limited to a local audience, it simply couldn't compete with the comparatively lush production values seen in the Mandarin productions coming out of Cathay and Shaw. In addition to that, the new style of action films being created over at Shaw -- specifically the violent, fast-paced and decidedly male-driven films of Chang Cheh -- had come to be favored by audiences who'd grown weary of the strictly female-centered films that had previously dominated Hong Kong's screens, and which were the bread and butter of the Cantonese industry. Given that the figure of the female warrior is even today still something of a kinky novelty in Western pop culture, this is something that's hard for me to get my head around, but it seems that HK audiences of the sixties were basically saying, "Aw Jeez, not another heroic female swordsman, for Christ's sake! How about a guy for a change?" And so, out went the chaste and chivalrous ladies of the sword played by Connie Chan Po Chu and Josephine Siao, and in came the shirtless, glistening torsos of Wang Yu, Ti Lung and David Chiang, all ready to display their gory contents in response to an opponent's sufficiently savage blows.

Chor, rightly or wrongly, always considered himself above all a commercial director, one who survived by following the prevailing trends. And so, despite having a no doubt deep affection for the industry that raised him, he read the writing on the wall and headed over to the Mandarin language studios. His first stop was Cathay, where, in 1970, he would make his first swordplay film, Cold Blade. Then, later that same year, he went on to begin his long and prolific relationship with the Shaws. His first effort for that studio, Duel For Gold, was another swordplay drama, but one that made a distinctly gritty departure from the displays of honor and nobility that had characterized wuxia cinema up to that point, possessed instead of a cynical, morally ambiguous tone that was more in keeping with the new cinema being made in the States by the young mavericks of the new Hollywood. The film impressed Shaw Brothers boss Run Run Shaw -- as it also did, reportedly, Chang Cheh -- and went on to modest box office success. After next ushering Cantonese film superstar Connie Chan Po Chu both into Mandarin cinema and out of her film career with The Lizard, Chor delivered a more resounding hit with his Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan, a film very much in the vein of the "one part art, one part exploitation" type of female-driven period revenge films that were coming out of Japan at the time.




Despite having tasted some success with his early forays into Mandarin cinema, Chor had not forgotten his roots, and when it came time, in 1973, to adapt the popular stage play The House of 72 Tenants for the screen, he insisted, over Run Run Shaw's objections, that it be shot in its original Cantonese. The film went on to become one of the years' biggest hits in Hong Kong, out-grossing Enter The Dragon, and in the process performed the seemingly impossible task of reviving Cantonese cinema at a time when no production in the language had been made for over a year. Now an acclaimed director with a major hit on his hands, Chor was in a position to do whatever he wanted. And what he wanted to do, apparently, was spend the next two years filming a series of tearjerkers adapted from popular television dramas that would all prove to be miserable failures at the box office.

After capping off this string of duds with nine months of inactivity, Chor was desperate to get his career back on track again. Deciding to try his hand at swordplay films again, he began work on a series of screenplays based on the popular wuxia novels of Ku Long. Ku Long, like Chor, was known for spicing up his works within the traditional genre by incorporating contemporary elements, and so his tales of swordsman heroes in the vaguely medieval setting of the mythical Martial World were marked by James Bond-inspired gimmickry and noirish notes derived from contemporary detective thrillers. He was also very prolific, churning out more than sixty novels before drinking himself to death at the age of 48, which gave Chor plenty to work with. Despite this, however, Run Run Shaw was unimpressed with Chor's efforts. Fortunately, an even more prolific scribe, Shaw Brothers' screenwriting dynamo Ni Kuang, steered Chor toward a more recent book of Ku Long's, the 1974 novel Meteor, Butterfly and Sword, which the author had based on The Godfather. Chor turned the novel into Killer Clans, a massive hit that resulted in Shaw Brothers putting him on permanent Ku Long duty for the next several years.




By the time of making Murder Plot -- the film I'm addressing here -- in 1979, Chor Yuen had already filmed a full thirteen adaptations of Ku Long's novels. As a result, his approach to these films had become what some might uncharitably describe as "formulaic" (Chor himself has as much as said so, saying in an interview that "Without the maple leaves and dry ice, I'd be lost"). To me, however, that phrase is misleading, because it suggests something routine -- and Chor's approach, while consistent from film to film, is something uniquely his own, utterly distinct from what anyone -- apart from his imitators -- was doing at the time. So let's just settle for saying that Chor's style -- at least in terms of his wuxia films -- had "crystallized" by this point, which indeed it had. At the same time, Chor had yet to weary of his subject matter to the point that he would by the early eighties, at which point some signs of laxness began to creep into the work, along with some grasping attempts to mix things up with new gimmicks (for instance, an increased -- and overmatched -- reliance on special effects in response to the success of Tsui Hark's Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain), a trend which wasn't helped by the reduced budgets he had to work with as a result of the Shaw studio's declining fortunes during that decade. All of these factors, then, make Murder Plot an excellent example of that style at its peak, when it was at its most refined and time-tested.

Trends being what they are, audience interest in Chang Cheh's testosterone-fueled punch-fests had begun to wane by the late seventies, and, as such, Chor Yuen, through his Ku Long films, came to emerge as sort of an anti-Chang Cheh. Where Chang's films could be technically sloppy and homely in appearance, Chor's were meticulous, even fussy in their detail, and exhibited an unerring dedication to the presentation of visual beauty in every shot. Where Chang's action highlighted power, speed and violence, Chor's, while equally frenetic, showed an emphasis on elegance and grace that blended suitably within the dreamlike settings he created. Chor, perhaps in allegiance to his background in Canto cinema, also to some extent reasserted the primacy of the female in his films by having richly drawn female characters fight against and alongside his male heroes on equal footing - an aspect of HK film that Chang had effectively tried to banish via his arguably misogynist filmmaking ethos. In fact, the mere presence of dimensional characters -- as well as the aspiration to emotional resonance beyond simply the clanging reverberations of vengeance and bloodlust -- put Chor's martial arts films at odds with most of Chang's work, and would be a hallmark of his style throughout the Ku Long films.




Another aspect of Chor's style in regard to these films is a result of the source material, as well as the manner in which that material collided with the restrictions that Chor had to work within. Among the defining characteristics of Ku Long's wuxia novels are that they are generally lengthy (The Untold History of the Fighting World, the 1965 book on which Murder Plot is based, comprises 44 chapters), dense with back-story, filled with an astonishing number of characters, and feature plots rich in complex intrigues, frequent switching back-and-forth of allegiances, and layered identities. To a film, each of Chor's adaptations shows the strain of having to compress these narratives to fit within the standard Shaw ninety minute format -- while, of course, at the same time having to include the requisite heavy amount of martial arts action, which in Murder Plot's case translates into a rollicking, intricately-staged swordfight at least every five minutes. As a result, these films -- despite the languid exterior that Chor's fog-drenched, and unnaturally-lit art direction presents -- appear to be flying by in fast motion, with the actors spitting huge chunks of expository dialog at each other with tongue twisting alacrity, and scenes careening into one another as if in a rush to the finish line. In the case of Murder Plot, I was taken by surprise when it became clear that the film's events were meant to be taking place over the course of several months, because their presentation made it seem as if they could just as likely have taken place in an afternoon.

While such hurried pacing provides the films with a crackling energy, it also in some instances makes it tempting to throw up your hands and give up on following their plots altogether. It's even advisable in some cases, given that some necessary connective tissue was occasionally stripped away in the course of the narrative downsizing. And even so, these films still offer more than enough to enjoy. With their beautiful sets, intoxicating atmospherics, engaging characters, eccentric gimmickry, and exquisitely staged action set pieces, they are a standout example of the type of cinema that one can immerse oneself in without having to resort to the brute mechanics of comprehension. That said, in the case of Murder Plot, the effort is worth making, because among Chor's wuxia films it is actually one of the more linear and transparent in terms of story -- a fact that, once you've watched it, might scare you off of ever dipping into any of the others.




As I alluded to earlier, Chor liked to infuse his wuxia films -- just as Ku Long did with his novels -- with elements gleaned from contemporary pop culture, and among the sources that he drew from on more than one occasion were the Spaghetti Westerns. The Magic Blade in particular owes a special debt to Sergio Leone's Dollar films, in that it presented Ti Lung as basically a Martial World incarnation of The Man With No Name, replicated right down to his ragged poncho. Murder Plot's opening pays tribute to this source in equal measure, showing us a shadowy, black clad figure, hat brim pulled low over his face, leading his horse into a seemingly deserted town under the cover of night, a corpse draped across the animal's back. As he nears a large manor, the figure stops at a wall on which a number of wanted posters are displayed, tearing down the one that pertains to his recent prey.

Soon we will learn that this man is the hero Shen Lang, and the fact that he is portrayed by Shaw superstar David Chiang sets Murder Plot apart from all other of Chor's wuxia films. Of course, Chiang had an at least tangential connection to the other films, thanks to Ti Lung, his frequent co-star in Chang Cheh's films, and his younger half-brother Derek Yee both being frequently cast as their leads, but Murder Plot was to be the only one that he starred in himself.

Having had the requisite brief scuffle with the guards outside Man Yi Mansion (judging from these movies, the Martial World custom is for everyone, upon first meeting, to immediately engage in a sword fight, often for no apparent reason and regardless of the parties' allegiances), Shen Lang is ushered inside, where we learn that he has been summoned, along with the six top heroes of the province's main schools, by the master Li Chang Chun. Li Chang Chun addresses the group, speaking of a battle that occurred fifteen years previous in which 900 of the Martial World's top heroes died fighting for possession of an apocryphal manual containing the secrets to an allegedly invincible fighting style. The rumor of that manual, it turns out, was spread with the very intention of provoking such a battle (a battle that, by the way, is described in the novel in harrowing detail, but here dispensed with in a couple of rushed lines of dialog), and as a result, the perpetrator, through eliminating a large number of his competitors in one go, has come that much closer to dominance over the territory. That perpetrator, according to Li Chang Chun, appears to be a mysterious figure known as The Happy King, who, in the years since the battle, has displayed knowledge of secret techniques previously known only to certain of the battle's vanquished combatants.




Soon after this revelation is presented, a young woman barges into the meeting and, as is the custom, engages in a brief sword fight with all present except Shen Lang. It turns out that she is Shen Lang's fiancé, Zhu Qi Qi, the daughter of a wealthy tycoon. Shen Lang, we learn, at some earlier point left Zhu Qi Qi behind, saying only that he had to go on a mission to "find someone" and that he would be gone for several years, and Zhu Qi Qi, having grown impatient for his return, decided to come after him. Shen Lang will later, with an amusing combination of weariness and resignation, describe Zhu Qi Qi by saying that she is "unruly, headstrong, and likes to create trouble". But in addition to conforming in some respects to the stereotype of the pampered, tantrum-prone rich girl, Zhu Qi Qi is also a brave and accomplished sword-wielding hero in her own right. As portrayed by Chor's favorite leading lady, Ching Li, she is also Murder Plot's most endearing character. You get the sense that she's exactly the kind of woman that a guy like Shen Lang, who comes off as a bit smug and humorless, needs in his life, and you can't help liking and respecting him all the more for loving her. Their relationship, despite a lot of playful bickering, is clearly one of mutual respect, and with the two of them sharing equally in pursuing the mystery at the film's center, Murder Plot ends up playing out as sort of a martial arts version of The Thin Man, a conceit which ends up being one of the films most appealing aspects.

It's true that many of Chor's wuxia films are infused with a sense of melancholy, a reflection of the tragic web that the Martial World's heroes, honor bound to an eternal struggle for dominance, find themselves trapped in. Probably the most stark examples of this are the Sentimental Swordsman films, in which Ti Lung portrays a consumptive, alcoholic hero unable to escape his gloomy past. On the other end of the spectrum are films like Clans of Intrigue and Legend of the Bat, which feature the worldly, swashbuckling hero Chu Liu-hsiang -- also played by Ti Lung -- that, despite having some dark, supernatural undercurrents, play out more as rollicking adventures yarns. Murder Plot fits in comfortably alongside these last mentioned films, and serves as a fine example of this strain in Chor's work. While other of his attempts to meld elements of detective story and swordplay drama were less successful, here he does so to great effect, while at the same time providing an enveloping atmosphere of mystery and romance for those elements to play out in. From interviews with Chor you get the clear impression that he never considered himself anything more than an entertainer, and -- whether you agree with that or not -- in that sense he is here at the top of his game.




Having introduced its main characters and central conflict in record time, Murder Plot proceeds to really kick its action into gear when Shen Lang, Zhu Qi Qi, the master Li Chang Chun and the six heroes travel to Yi City. They have heard reports that the Happy King's ill-gotten treasure is stashed there, and upon arriving are shocked to find the streets clogged with a procession of coffins. They are told that a rumor had spread of a fabulous treasure housed in a nearby tomb, and that the many swordsmen who rushed to plunder it were killed by way of poison painted on the tomb's door. Shen Lang, Zhu Qi Qi, and the six heroes go to the tomb and, immediately upon entering, see a number of their entourage killed by a series of booby traps hidden within. Shen Lang pushes further into the crypt, where he encounters and fights with Jin Wu Wang (Wong Chung), who is the Happy King's treasurer by title, but, of course, also a master swordsman. Though they are apparently on opposite sides, the two express a mutual respect, and forge a temporary truce when they find themselves, along with Zhu Qi Qi, momentarily trapped inside the crypt. Upon emerging they find that the six heroes are nowhere to be seen and, since they were the only ones known to be in the tomb with them at the time, are accused of foul play by Li Chang Chun. Shen Lang asks that Li Chang Chun grant him a month's time to prove his innocence, and the master agrees.

Later that night, Zhu Qi Qi trails a procession of ghostly, white-garbed women to the cavernous lair of the mysterious Madam Wang, where she finds the six heroes suspended in some kind of comatose state. This is the result of the exotic secret weapon -- and every one of these movies has at least one -- wielded by Madam Wang's son Lian Hua, the "Enticing Ice Arrow", which is a finger-sized shard of ice that Lian Hua tosses like a dart. (Alert viewers will note that Goo Goon-Chung, the actor playing Lian Hua, looks to be about the same age as Chen Ping, the actress playing his mom, the result of Shaw Brothers apparently not having any actresses over thirty-five contracted to them.) After briefly mixing it up with Lian Hua, Zhu Qi Qi escapes without having found out exactly why Madam Wang wanted to kidnap the six heroes in the first place. Shortly thereafter, she comes upon an old crone (played again by an actress obviously still in her prime) who, for reasons I was never really able to sort out, drugs her with poisoned smoke, ties her up, and throws her into a coffin with another bound young women named Bai Fei Fei (played by Chor regular, Candice Yu On-On, who is simultaneously super cute and kind of weird looking). Luckily, Zhu Qi Qi has around this same time had a chance encounter with Panda, the sooty, rag-wearing chief of the Beggars Clan (as played by Danny Lee, forever beloved by Teleport City readers for his starring roles in such singular Shaw Brothers ventures as Inframan, The Mighty Peking Man and The Oily Maniac). Panda took the opportunity to nick Zhu Qi Qi's family pendant -- sort of a Martial World ATM card enabling him access to her family's wealth -- and when, later, Shen Lang and Jin Wu Wang catch him with it, he leads them to where Zhu Qi Qi is imprisoned.




After yet another frenetic scuffle, Panda, Shen Lang and Jin Wu Wang make peace and cooperate to free Zhu Qi Qi and Bai Fei Fei. Bai Fei Fei tells them that she was sold to the old woman after being taken from outside the territory, and that she is now far from home as a result. Shen Lang tells her that they will escort her back, as they are going that way in their pursuit of the Happy King, a pledge which leaves the jealous Zhu Qi Qi audibly displeased. Panda, having become immediately smitten with Bai Fei Fei, also offers to come along. And at this point, with Shen Lang and Zhu Qi Qi traveling the road on the way to meet with a yet unseen ruler of mythical power, gathering up forces from among a ragtag band of characters with disparate motives within a phantasmagorical setting, Murder Plot really started to remind me of The Wizard of Oz. Danny Li, in particular, with his combination of bravery, affable goofiness and canine loyalty struck me as an all-in-one stand-in for all three of Dorothy's companions. And while Zhu Qi Qi is definitely no Dorothy, Bai Fei Fei, as a wide eyed innocent trying to find her way back to a home that circumstances beyond her control have taken her away from, fits the bill quite well.

After Jin Wu Wang takes his leave of the crew -- giving Shen Lang the standard "next time we meet, it may not be as friends" speech -- Zhu Qi Qi leads the rest to Madame Wang's lair, where another fast-paced fight is engaged with Madame Wang and Lian Hua. Madame Wang remains mysterious about her motives, but does allow that she kidnapped the heroes in order to draw Shen Lang to her, though without saying for what purpose. Before being routed, Lian Hua manages to make off with Zhu Qi Qi's family pendant and, after freeing the heroes, the group heads off toward Fen Yan City, the home of Zhu Qi Qi's family, to intercept him before he can drain her family's fortune. Once there, Zhu Qi Qi, acting on her own, tracks down Lian Hua and, after a furious fight, manages to temporarily paralyze him by striking one of his "pressure points" (another practice that you will get very used to seeing after watching a few of these movies). Despite this, Zhu Qi Qi gets a dressing down from Shen Lang, because he had asked her to stay with Bai Fei Fei at the family mansion and protect her. In a fit of jealous pique, Zhu Qi Qi takes off on her own with the frozen Lian Hua in tow, telling her brother in law that she is doing this so that Shen Lang will "know he should have me in his heart". This leaves Shen Lang, Panda and Bai Fei Fei to trail after her, trying to guess at her ultimate destination.




After a roadside ambush by the Happy King's wine master and his acrobatic, jug-balancing bodyguards, a scene follows in which Bai Fei Fei, apparently feeling responsible for driving a wedge between Shen Lang and Zhu Qi Qi, tells a stricken Panda that she will be following her own course from this point on. By this time, Chor was shooting his films exclusively on interior sets, even going to the extreme of sometimes using miniatures for establishing shots to avoid the chance of anything conspicuously natural interfering with the fully enclosed world that he was creating. It was in this manner that he provided an environment in which the dream-like logic of his stories could play out unconstrained by any reference points to the "real world". It also allowed him to, in painterly fashion, use his settings to express mood - a practice of which Bai Fei Fei's farewell scene is a stirring example. The scene plays out more as one idealized in memory than an actual occurrence, with the impossibly deep autumnal hues of the rural surroundings rendered gilt-edged by the dying light bleeding through the gauzy veil of mist above. It would be incredibly sad even if Danny Lee and Candice Yu-On On were to do absolutely nothing, because the landscape they inhabit itself is an expression of heartbreak.

After Bai Fei Fei's departure, Shen Lang and Panda finally catch up with Zhu Qi Qi at Shanghai Gate. Unfortunately, once they have reunited, Lian Hua -- who has been subjected to the humiliation of being dressed up as Zhu Qi Qi's old granny -- escapes from his paralysis and overpowers the three. Upon finding themselves back at Madam Wang's lair, they are finally filled in on the Madam's true motives. It seems she is the Happy King's ex-wife, and that she wants Shen Lang to protect the king from the other Martial Heroes who are after his head, so that she alone can enjoy revenge against him for some unspecified wrong. To insure Shen Lang's compliance, Lian Hua renders Panda and Zhu Qi Qi comatose with his Enticing Ice Arrows, saying that he will not provide the antidote until Shen Lang has completed his mission. Having no other choice, and at Madam Wang's direction, Shen Lang tracks the Happy King to a gambling house called the Happy Forest -- and he's Lo Lieh! A very James Bond-inspired scene follows in which Shen Lang and the King size one another up over the gaming table, after which David Chiang gets to show off his empty-handed kung fu skills in a sequence where Shen Lang defends the King against a gang of attackers who storm the casino.




After this, Shen Lang makes the case for the King to hire him on as a bodyguard, and soon finds himself within the walls of the palace. There he is surprised to find that the concubine the King is on the eve of marrying is none other than Bai Fei Fei. Bai Fei Fei will then be the first of many of Murder Plot's characters to reveal that she is not what she had previously represented herself to be. In fact, the final fifteen minutes of the movie -- in classic Chor Yuen/Ku Long fashion --render false much of what I've recounted so far. But for me to reveal more than that would spoil the fun -- or the frustration, depending on how you tend to react to having a laboriously-woven narrative rug pulled out from under you at the last moment. In either case, what really matters is that Murder Plot puts paid to its real obligations by seeing out it's final moments with a lavish sword and kung fu battle -- choreographed by Chor's regular collaborator, the great Tong Gai -- that sees all of the characters whirling and flipping across the screen at a pace that makes the rest of the movie seem stately by comparison. If you have lost the thread of the plot by this point, chances are that you won't end up caring. And if you do, a painless remedy is at hand, because Murder Plot is so crammed with nuance and detail that a second viewing can only yield further enjoyment.

I imagine that it's pretty obvious that I love Murder Plot. It looks beautiful, the actors and the characters that they play are incredibly appealing, the action is wonderfully staged and literally non-stop, and the atmosphere is so rich with romance and intrigue that it's enough to send you into a ninety minute swoon. Still, it's far from my favorite of Chor Yuen's wuxia films, which should give you some idea of just how deep the damage goes with me when it comes to these movies. The world that Chor creates in them is, simply put, one that I never tire of visiting, and I'm happy that his prolific output has provided me with ample opportunities to do so.

So, upon consideration, maybe I do agree that, with time, Chor Yuen's Ku Long films became somewhat routine and predictable. And by that I mean that they are routinely awesome and predictably rewarding, much like a visit to a beloved old friend - which, last I checked, was not a bad thing at all.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Todd at | 10 Comments


Friday, April 04, 2008

Arabian Adventure

Release Year: 1979
Country: England
Starring: Puneet Sira, Oliver Tobias, Christopher Lee, Milo O'Shea, Emma Samms, Peter Cushing, Capucine, Mickey Rooney, John Wyman, John Ratzenberger, Milton Reid.
Writer: Brian Hayle
Director: Kevin Conner
Cinematographer: Alan Hume
Music: Ken Thorne
Producer: John Dark
Availability: Buy it from Amazon
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


In my review of The Phantom of Soho, I talked about a few of the over-arching themes that run throughout everything we do here at Teleport City. I'd like to mention, for this review, another of the many themes that define what we do here: the idea that my level of intelligence and sophistication has evolved very little since I was ten years old. The years 1976 to 1986, roughly spanning ages four to fourteen for me, seem to be when I discovered the bulk of what I would end up liking for the rest of my life. At the time, my enthusiasm for entertainment that was sometimes, to be charitable, of dubious merit, could be chalked up to simple naivety -- the juvenile tastes of a juvenile. Perfectly acceptable, even if it did mean that I was prone to celebrating things like Treasure of the Four Crowns and Gymkata. However, years -- nay, decades -- later, I find that when I go back and revisit these films so beloved in my youth, rather than having a quiet chuckle at how silly I was back then, I actually enjoy them just as much. And sometimes even more.

Time after time, I've sat down to be disillusioned, or to wonder how I could have liked such lowbrow fare when I could have spent my time brushing up on classic works of literature, only to find myself hooting with glee and running about the room in unabashed glee as I witnessed some fantastical orgy of ninja gore or oiled-up barbarians. Think of it as my childlike sense of wonder, if you are feeling generous, or shake your head in sorrow as you realize that I did indeed completely stop growing mentally at age fourteen.

Still, one must assume that even I have my limits, and there must be a film at there that I loved as a kid and would not still love as an adult. I was told countless times by many people I trust that the 1979 fantasy film Arabian Adventure would be that film. Because make no mistake about it -- I loved this film when I was it in the theaters. Looking back on it, I could remember very little. I don't think I ever saw it again after that first time. All I could recall about the film was a genie, something about Mickey Rooney inside a giant golden clockwork robot, and magic carpet dogfights. Heck, I didn't even remember that it starred venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee. I have no idea why I didn't remember him but did remember Mickey Rooney. I don't think I was a big Mickey Rooney fan in my youth. In fact, I think I've only ever seen two Mickey Rooney films in my entire life.


Anyway, for years I snooped around, hoping to discover that Arabian Adventure had suddenly appeared on home video in some format that wouldn't require me to shell out $30 for someone's crappy VHS bootleg with a label hand-written in pencil. But for one reason or another, it always seemed to be MIA, and so I was left celebrating the merits of the film while all those around me who had seen it more recently made with the ominous proclamations of, "You're going to be disappointed with that one, chief." Impossible! I mean -- seriously: magic carpet dog fights!

Finally, after years of waiting outside a temple, seated in the lotus position and refusing both food and water, ignoring the rain, the snow, the scorching heat, the jackals, the police telling me to move along, after all of that, one day I performed my hopeful little search on Netflix, and low and behold, there it was. Arabian Adventure! Needless to say, I had to bump certain classics, like Kickboxer IV (oh, the things I'll do for Michelle Krasnoo...the things I'd let her do to me...), a little lower on the list, but it was worth it to move this long-awaited gem from my youth to the top of the queue. Finally, the moment of truth had arrived. Would Arabian Adventure prove to be, as has been predicted by soothsayers and friends with my best interests at heart, a massive disappointment, forcing me to call into question everything I've ever held dear, permanently casting a gloomy shadow of resentment and melancholy over my childhood? Or would my seemingly indefatigable ability to pleased by damn near anything triumph, reinforcing the idea that I see the world through the rose-colored lenses of a child and also have the brain of a seven-year-old?


Well, I've rewatched the movie now, and let me say this: magic carpet dogfights.

Yes, it's true; my bottomless lack of taste (I'm watching Navy SEALS as I write this) and sound judgment wins again! I enjoyed Arabian Adventure to no end, reveled in every clunky special effect, thrilled to scenes of guys gliding around on magic carpets suspended by wires, and looked with the kind eyes of an old friend upon the visage of Mickey Rooney running around inside not one, but three giant golden clockwork robots. And then there's venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee as the evil caliph Alquazar, doing his usual shtick and sporting a big ol' mustache. And then there's a kid with a monkey, a beautiful princess, a dashing prince, a scheming fat guy, some chick who lives inside a sapphire, Peter Cushing as the world's least convincing Arab, and did I mention that this movie has magic carpet dogfights? Yes, I did.

And what makes my adoration of this film all the more shameful is that it has all these things, but doesn't do anything particularly interesting with them. The prince and princess are boring. Mickey Rooney is irritating and seems to have been bitten by a radioactive community theater performer and thus been imbued with all the proportional over-acting and hamming abilities that come with such a position in life. The special effects,while ambitious, are rarely any good. The entire movie plays like a fan-made "greatest hits of the Arabian Nights" highlight reel. And none of that seems to matter to me.


So here's the deal. The film begins with young Majeed (Puneet Sira) and his pet monkey arriving in a matte painting of the ancient Arabian city of Jhador, populated primarily by second unit stock footage of camels and guys sitting around in doorways. Majeed has arrived in the middle of sweeping events. People are plotting the overthrow of the ruthless Caliph Dracula (venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee), while Caliph Dracula himself is plotting to recover the mystical Rose of Elil, a sacred artifact that will, in some vague way, grant him the ultimate power to rule over the world, or something to that effect. Artifacts that grant you the power to rule the world are rarely clear on exactly how they plan to go about it. They are, in that way, very much like your modern politician -- all full of promises and rhetoric, but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts, the promises tend to fall apart. But that's small potatoes to worry about for a guy who has somehow managed to imprison his own soul in a fire pit and spends his free time taunting it. For its part, the soul spends most of its time being sort of petulant and whiny and generally making you understand why Caliph Dracula imprisoned it in the first place.

Unable to retrieve the rose himself, for it must be plucked by a pure and righteous hand, Caliph Dracula enlists the aid of dashin' Prince Hasan (Oliver Tobias), who has fallen in love with Princess Zuliera (Emma Samms) despite having never actually seen or met her, and who seems completely oblivious to the fact that Caliph Dracula is evil and enjoys crushing his subjects beneath the iron fist of his mad tyranny. But he looks damn good in his swashbuckling Arabian prince outfit. Majeed ends up in possession of a magic gem that contains a trapped sorceress (Capucine) who, grateful for him releasing her, grants Majeed three life-saving wishes. Through typical movie convolution, this results in Majeed suddenly appearing on the back of a magic carpet piloted by dashin' Prince Hasan and Khasim (Milo O'Shea), a spy assigned by Caliph Dracula to accompany dashin' Prince Hasan and stab him in the back (literally) once he has the rose. Needless to say, Khasim is vexed that this half-naked young rascal has suddenly appeared out of nowhere on their magic carpet, and so he spends the bulk of their flight trying to knock him off.


Their quest for the magic rose leads them on a variety of adventures that involve a murderous genie (big Milton Reid, sporting weird googly eyes), a trio of fire-breathing monsters that end up being controlled by Mickey Rooney, and a lake of guys who try to grab your legs. As far as trials go, I have to admit, I've seen more challenging. I mean, Hercules had to clean stables that hadn't been cleaned in dozens of years, and dashin' Prince Hasan has to defeat Mickey Rooney? That hardly seems fair -- especially when Majeed does all the work. I mean, maybe the psychotic laughing genie would have posed a threat if he had been able to hit the broadside of a mosque with his magic firebolts, but he proves incapable of hitting a squirming fat guy all of five feet away -- and then he gets defeated when dashin' Prince Hasan tips over a bottle! That's Scooby Doo quality adventure right there. The quests get more challenging when Khasim pulls his power play. Before too long, dashin' Prince Hasan and Majeed find themselves leading a revolution, rescuing a princess, fighting with Caliph Dracula in a lake of fire, and engaging in magic carpet dogfights with Caliph Dracula's all-carpet air force of guy's who primary skill seems to be to wave their swords awkwardly at dashin' Prince Hasan, while he waves his sword awkwardly at them, causing hem to fall off their magic carpets. Someone should look into seat belts or something for those things.

Lyz at And You Call Yourself a Scientist -- one of my absolute favorite movie sites on the web -- said of Arabian Adventure, "It is hard to imagine any but the least discriminating of viewers -- of any age -- really enjoying this film." And I can't really debate her on this matter. Instead, about all I can do is admit that it has been my goal to live the sort of life and put forth the sort of opinions that would result in my eventual tombstone reading, "America's Least Discerning Viewer." My other choice for an epitaph was, "It Took a Dozen Texas Marshals to Finally Bring Him Down." Anyway, I freely admit that pretty much all of the criticisms that someone could lay at the feet of Arabian Adventure stick with the tenacity of an extra-gooey Wacky Wall Walker fresh out of the gum machine capsule. None of these should come as any shock if you are familiar with the writer-director team who brought you this movie. Because the last couple of movies they brought you were were just as bad or even worse (and yeah -- I liked them, too).


Director Kevin Conner and screenwriter Brian Hayles are responsible for a trio of Edgar Rice Burroughs inspired fantasy adventure films: At the Earth's Core, starring Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, and Peter Cushing (and featuring one of the single greatest lines and deliveries in movie history: "You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!"), and the one-two punch of The Land that Time Forgot and The People that Time Forgot, both starring just Doug McClure. Hayles and Conner (they toured with Seals and Croft, I think) also made Warlords of Atlantis, which stars Doug McClure but is not based on an Edgar Rice Burroughs story . It does often get me confused when I think it's War Gods of the Deep, which featured Vincent Price and Tab Hunter -- and buddy, Tab Hunter is no Doug McClure. Oliver Tobias, also, is no Doug McClure.

Anyway, the films of Conner and Hayles are almost universally reviled by everyone except, apparently, me. And I have loved every last one of them. Even The People that Time Forgot. Even Arabian Adventure, though it could have really used some Doug McClure. In fact, given that the wooden dullness of our prince and princess is one of Arabian Adventure's greatest weaknesses, the film could have been improved immensely if dashin' Prince Hasan had been played by Doug McClure and Princess Zuleira played by Caroline Munro. But I guess Doug McClure was too rugged and Joe Don Baker-esque to play a dashing prince (since he specialized in playing cool Americans in British films), and Caroline Munro had already been an Arabian princess in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. Still, man that would have been awesome, or at least more awesome than Oliver Tobias and Emma Samms -- both of whom look the part but offer very little in the way of charisma.


As bad as Conner and Hayles' previous movies may have been, at least each of them had something that could keep people from being totally cranky about watching them. Land that Time Forgot enjoyed the services of Doug McClure and features WWI German U-boat guys fighting dinosaurs, and that's enough for me. People that Time Forgot enjoys the services of Doug McClure with a caveman beard and Sarah Douglas in expedition jodhpurs. And At the Earth's Core? My Lord! It's got Doug McClure fighting night immobile paper mache monsters, Caroline Munro in a loin cloth waving a knife around, and Peter Cushing in one of the most hilarious "absent minded professor" roles ever. Plus, it has the line "You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!" -- which is bested only by Cushing's line in Horror Express where, indignant at the suggestion that he could have been possessed by the monster stalking the train, exclaims, "Monsters?!?! We're British!"

Arabian Adventure does not have the benefit of charismatic players like Munro, McClure, or Peter Cushing -- which is an odd thing to say, since it features Peter Cushing. Cushing is one of a handful of "special guest stars," which is a nice way of saying that they owed Conner some sort of a favor or something. Cushing appears in a bit role as a holy man imprisoned in Caliph Dracula's dungeon, and as an Arab holy man, Peter Cushing is a very convincing 19th century British scientist. The other guest stars -- Mickey Rooney and Milo O'Shea -- have larger parts and even pass themselves off fairly believably as Arabs (by the standards of fat Irish guys pretending to be Arabs), but each one seems intent on outdoing the other in the field of hammy over-acting. I suppose that's good, because no one else seemed all that interested in putting any effort into their parts. Actually, that's not true. I firmly believe that Oliver Tobias tried really hard. But he's the film's Keanu Reeves. He's earnest, good looking,and really wants to do a good job; he just can't. But at least the script gives him some chances to shine, even if he fails as an actor to rise tot he occasion. He gets to have badly executed sword fights, fly around on magic carpets, jump over stuff, and tip over a genie bottle. Poor Emma Samms is saddled with a character so thinly written that the poor actress was doomed to be boring before the first frame was ever shot. Her princess is a sheltered woman who has never left the confines of Caliph Dracula's palace. She has nothing to do but walk from room to room, and eventually sit around and listen to Caliph Dracula's imprisoned soul complain about being imprisoned. Eventually, dashin' Prince Hasan rescues her. Or really, Majeed rescues her and dashin' Prince Hasan happens to be int he same general area and of legal age, so what are you gonna do?


Speaking of which, although I apparently didn't mind them as a kid, as an adult I usually hate movies starring children. I don't care for children in general, so watching a movie about one just seems pointless to me. But young Indian actor Puneet Sira seems possessed of all the charisma and charm that is lacking in Samms and Tobias. It's hard not to compare him to Sabu, the young Indian star of films like Arabian Nights and Thief of Baghdad. So let me compare him to Sabu. As a Sabu stand-in, he's exceptional, and we should be thankful that Conner at least took the time to find a likable and talented child instead of just casting Sabu, then in his...oh. Umm, then in his grave. OK, backing away from whatever Old Man Sabu joke I was hoping to make...

Which leaves us with venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee. Although his character is called Alquazar in this film, I prefer to refer to him as Caliph Dracula for two reasons. First, I know doing stuff like that irritates venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee (who I'm sure reads this site all the time) to no end, and any chance I have to irritate venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee is a chance I can't let pass me by. Second, he basically gives the exact same performance he gave in Satanic Rites of Dracula, and Dracula AD 1972, and the Fu Manchu movies (they apparently let him keep the mustache from those films, because he has it on here), and honestly -- most of the movies he's ever been in. Don't get me wrong -- he does it very well most of the time, but it does tend to get a tad familiar. His character here is given very little to do other than wait around in his lair while his minion does all the hard work (a la Dracula AD 1972), so venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee doesn't really seem to be giving it his all.


Eventually, he gets in a really clumsy battle with dashin' Prince Hasan, then chases Majeed up a rock, but that's about it. Oh, and he turns a fat guy into a frog. But he doesn't seem to be enjoying it very much, and once again, I can't help but think how much better this film would have been if they'd cast someone else -- Vincent Price, for example. Oh, now there's a movie! Vincent Price, Doug McClure, and Caroline Munro! If I had myself a magic sapphire genie, that would be my first wish. My second wish would be that venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee wrote me an email about how my jokes hurt his feelings, and then he ends the email with a sad face emoticon. Of course, my third wish would be that George Clooney was my friend. We're both Kentucky boys, after all. Since Doug McClure is, sadly, no longer with us, I'd let Clooney be in my remake of Arabian Adventure. I don't know who I'd get for Alquazar. Luckily, Caroline Munro, now nearly 60, is every bit as hot and talented as she was in her 20s. Maybe I could cast Alec Baldwin as Alquazar. Or venerated horror film icon Christopher Lee!

So you may be asking yourself how I can spend the bulk of a review talking about how crappy a film is, then use that as criteria for concluding that I love the movie. Hey, this is Teleport City, baby, and the scientific method simply does not apply. And yeah, Arabian Adventure fails on a lot of levels for a lot of people. But not for me, because I had as much fun watching it today as I had watching nigh those many years ago. The lack of charisma in the leads doesn't bug me. The fact that venerated horror film icon is giving a "just collecting a paycheck until I can go on to better films like Howling II and An Eye For An Eye" performance doesn't bother me. The weak effects don't bother me. The film is childish and clunky, and I love it. I love the magic carpet dogfights. I love the crummy sword fights. I love all the opulent but obvious matte painting backgrounds.


Speaking of obviously painted backgrounds, now is as good a time as any to breach the subject of the special effects. In 1977, as you may have heard, Star Wars was released upon the unsuspecting masses, and whatever its merits as a film (and I'm not trying to seem edgy by being a Star Wars hater -- I loved it then and I love it still today), there's no real credible way to deny the profound impact it had on special effects. It represented a quantum leap forward, and while you can say that nothing was ever the same after that, the fact is that there were a few stragglers that came in post-Star Wars but with very pre-Star Wars effects. Sometimes this had to do with the effects supervisor. Sometimes it had to do with the budget. In the case of Arabian Adventure, I'm pretty sure it was both.

Like most sci-fi and fantasy films that came in the wake of Star Wars, Arabian Adventure billed itself as a Star Wars like special effects extravaganza. If Star Wars was like watching Harry Houdini make an elephant vanish, Arabian Adventure was like watching a clumsy kid try to pull off a trick from his Blackstone the Magician illusion set. It's cute, even charming in its way, but also sort of awkward and embarrassing.

Special effects supervisor George Gibbs shoots for the moon and ends up a fair distance from his target. He was early in his career, having worked previously with director Kevin Conner on Warlords of Atlantis, and then doing some model work on Richard Donner's Superman before moving on to this film. Hamstrung by a small budget and limited resources, I think he intended to rely heavily on the gee whiz quaintness of his approach and on the untrained eyes of young children. The most ambitious effects are the magic carpets, realized through a combination of rear-screen projection, hoisting guys around on wires, and then letting little plastic guys tear around scale models of the city. None of these work terribly well, but there is a charm to watching little action figures on flying carpets wobble about in between scale model minarets. The other big effects are the genie -- which is simple superimposition and animation, and sahib Rooney's giant monsters, which are miniatures that rely on forced perspective shots that are sometimes effective and sometimes make Majeed look like a giant.


Still, I always appreciate a crude effect, and Arabian Adventure is endearing in it's unwillingness to live within its means. This film certainly didn't kill Gibbs' career, and he went on to create all sorts of wildly uneven visual or effects for everything from 1980's Flash Gordon to Conan the Barbarian. Obviously, the got got really good at his craft pretty quickly, and he went on to work on films like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Brazil, Alien 3, and more recently, From Hell and Doom. His work in Arabian Adventure is without a doubt a throwback to effects that probably weren't even considered all that good in 1969, let alone 1979, but like I said -- they're sort of cute. In fact, pretty much everyone who worked on the effects for this film went on to very successful, and in some cases award-winning, careers. It goes without saying that none of those awards were for Arabian Adventure.

I have a tremendous weakness (one of many) for fantastic romanticized visions of ancient Arabia, and as pedestrian as some may find it, Arabian Adventure manages to satisfy the kid in me. I mean, don't misunderstand -- this film is nowhere near the caliber of the old Arabian Nights film, or either the Douglas Fairbanks or Sabu versions of The Thief of Badhdad. And it's not in the league of the 1960s Sinbad movies with effects by Ray Harryhausen. But as dumb Saturday matinee fare, I still enjoy Arabian Adventure despite the sundry flaws. It would make a perfect double bill with Sinbad of the Seven Seas starring Lou Ferrigno.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 4 Comments


Saturday, January 26, 2008

Shark Hunter

Release Year: 1979
Country: Italy/Spain
Starring: Franco Nero, Werner Pochath, Jorge Luke, Michael Forest, Patricia Rivera, Mirta Miller.
Writer: Tito Carpi, Jaime Comas Gil, Jesus R. Folgar, and Alfredo Giannetti
Director: Enzo Castellari
Cinematographer: Raul Perez Cubero
Music: Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis
Original Title: Il Cacciatore di Squali
Alternate Titles: Guardians of the Deep
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


What is it, to be a man? This is the question, indeed, many of us ask ourselves. In this, our post-macho, post-feminist, post-metrosexual era, what then becomes the measure of a man? What is it that defines his life, gives him meaning, makes him a man? Indeed such a question is difficult to answer, at times perhaps even seemingly impossible. And so we enter an era of confusion, of aimlessness, until at last something emerges from the chaos to point the way, to illuminate us, to help us along on our journey and, at long last, make the answer as clear as the crystal blue waters of Cozumel. What is it, to be a man? Let Franco Nero tell you. No, no -- let Franco Nero show you.

The first fifteen minutes of Enzo G. Castellari's Shark Hunter play as follows. We meet the titular shark hunter, Franco Nero, looking like he just stumbled out of the jungle and fell into a puddle of crazed hippie biker, while perched on a rock overlooking the ocean. Suddenly a shark catches his eye, causing him to leap up, run down the beach while accompanied by the sounds of Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis, and struggle to haul the thrashing beast to shore. He then retires to his open air beach bungalow to make love to his beautiful Mexican senorita, then goes to a bar where he beats the crap out of half a dozen thugs. Happy that Franco has whooped ass on the goon squad, a local takes him out for a bit of parasailing. I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself that while hauling in a fishing line hooked to a man-eating shark is tough, and making love on the beach to a sexy gal is tough, and beating up half a dozen hired bruisers is tough, there's not much tough about parasailing. That's what sunburned fat Americans do when they visit resorts, right? What's so tough about that? Well, nothing. But Franco, while he does admittedly get a kick out of the parasailing, what makes this tough parasailing is that, while in mid-air, he spies a shark in the water below, let's out a primal whoop of excitement, cuts himself loose from the parachute harness, plunges into the water, and immediately starts punching the shark in the face.


Although everything about the movie, from the title to Franco Nero's seemingly unquenchable thirst for punching sharks in the face, would lead you to believe that this is going to be another in the brief but highly enjoyable line of Italian Jaws rip-offs along the lines of director Castellari's own L'Ultimo Squalo, a film that so closely aped (or sharked) Jaws and Jaws 2 that an injunction was issued against it, spoiling big plans to unleash it in American movie theaters and, in fact, even going to far as to ensure that it would never see the light of day even on home video. However, after the insane opening and Franco Nero's lesson on how to be a real man, Shark Hunter settles down into being a rip-off not of Jaws, but of another American film, 1977's The Deep starring Nick Nolte and Jaqueline "Miss Goodthighs" Bisset as scuba divers who stumble across a fortune in sunken drugs. That film was remade in 2005 as Into the Blue, starring Paul Walker and Jessica Alba. That movie was completely idiotic, but I enjoyed it if for no other reason than it had cool scuba scenes and lots of shots of Paul Walker and Jessica Alba being scantily clad. Plus, it's not like doing a dumb remake of a movie that was pretty dumb to begin with was any great crime against cinematic art. Of course, I also like The Deep, and it used to scare the crap out of me as a kid.

You see, I come from a long line of scuba divers, and by "long line" I mean my dad and, later, my sister. But I grew up around diving and diving equipment, and as a kid I used to get into my old man's trunk full of equipment and get gussies up in the way-too-large for me wetsuit and flippers, mask, and dive knife, which I referred to more dramatically as the shark knife. I'd then stomp around the basement, playing Thunderball and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and trying to throw the knife into the bare 2x4s of the unfinished walls. When I got to watch The Deep on our brand new Betamax video machine, it enthralled and terrified me. I loved all the scuba stuff, and even at a young age I know there was something special about Jaqueline Bisset in a bikini. But the one thing anyone remembers about that movie is the moray eels. My dad used to tell me outrageous tales about moray eels, and how the way their teeth curved in meant that once they bit you, it was impossible to remove them. You just had to pull out your knife and amputate your arm. The Deep certainly backed those stories up, and for years, the sight of sharks and barracuda did little to phase me, but I was always wary of eels. Even after I learned that moray eels are basically docile so long as you don't go shoving your arm into their hidey holes, I still get antsy when I turn around underwater and see one of them floating there, staring at me inquisitively with that horrible, evil grin they all have.


Shark Hunter, however, is better than either The Deep or Into the Blue, and Franco Nero looks less like Nick Nolte in The Deep and more like Nick Nolte in his more recent mug shot. But the gist of Shark Hunter is that Nero's character, Mike di Donato, gets pressured by a local gangster into helping salvage a downed plane full of loot. Franco and his parasailing buddy try to figure out a way to get the gangsters off their back and outsmart them. Despite the expectation generated from a title like Shark Hunter, there isn't much shark action in this film other than the beginning and the very end. Most of the action revolves around Franco Nero in his ratty shirt and bell-bottom dungarees getting into fights on the beach, only to have his beloved Juanita (Patricia Rivera) threatened by the gangsters. And there's a lot of scuba diving, sometimes with sharks present, which is a touchy subject for a lot of people.

Scuba scenes usually get a bum rap in movies for being somewhat slow moving and boring. They do happen underwater, after all. I actually think a lot of scuba diving scenes are kind of keen, owing to my enjoyment of scuba diving, and depending on how they are filmed. Thunderball, for example, has pretty thrilling scuba scenes. All those Jacques Cousteau documentaries have cool scuba scenes. The Incredible Petrified World does not succeed as well with its many scuba scenes of guys sort of doing nothing for like ten minutes at a time. Anyway, point is that scuba scenes don't have to boring, even if they frequently are. Shark Hunter has pretty good scuba scenes, though one wonders why Nero spends so much time diving in his blue jeans when he later reveals he owns perfectly good shorts and a wetsuit. I don't know if you've ever tried to swim in blue jeans, but it's not pleasant. The scuba scenes are also aided by the fact that Castellari was fond of slow motion action scenes anyway, so you hardly even notice the diving is slow. At least he didn't film them in slow motion.


Castellari and Nero worked together several times before most notably on the superb 1971 poliziotteschi thriller High Crime. Among the many, many directors who made a living in the murky waters of Italian exploitation films, Castellari was one of the best when he was on his game. Like Umberto Lenzi and Antonio Margheriti, Castellari managed to direct some really great action films. He also managed to direct some really awful ones. Castellari, however, directed fewer truly awful films than did Lenzi and Margheriti, possibly because Castellari managed to avoid having to make crappy cannibal movies. Where as other directors skipped from one genre to the next based on whatever trend was at the forefront of exploitation cinema that week, Castellari stayed pretty well grounded in action films. He avoided horror almost entirely. Even when he ventured into the realm of other genres -- most notably a few post-apocalypse Road Warrior rip-offs in the 1980s -- he treated them more or less like action films. The one time he worked almost completely outside the realm of what he was familiar with was 1989's Sinbad of the Seven Seas, and we can see how that worked out for him. By the 1980s, there was no doubt Castellari knew his stuff, even if he wasn't exactly what you might call a visionary artist. He did have his style though, and he seems interested in Shark Hunter, which he keeps moving along nicely and crammed full of action both above and below the ocean surface.

If there's anything to criticize in Castellari's direction, it's the choice to use footage of real sharks being caught and killed. This only happens once or twice, and I suppose scenes of shark fishing are more defensible than other scenes of real animal cruelty that pop up in Italian exploitation films, but it's something to warn people about. I understand why they used real footage, though I don't necessarily agree with the decision. But then, I used togo fishing, and lord knows we used to take pictures of ourselves with our fish, so I guess that's why I can't see to getting too worked up about the scenes of a hooked shark in this movie, as opposed to the far more frequent and far more abusive animal killing that goes on in those cannibal films.


Franco Nero is in good form here, looking completely deranged and badly in need of a shower. You'd think a dude who constantly went swimming and shark punching in the clear waters of Cozumel, Mexico, wouldn't have so much soot and crap smeared all over his face, but then you'd also expect that a guy with a girlfriend that pretty would have at least two pairs of clothes. But the only thing he has is his outfit, and then the same outfit with a hat and sunglasses. Nero throws himself headlong into the role though, lending it gravity and a great intensity, and the look is pretty spectacular. Nero made a career out of playing bad-asses, and while he's not as bad-ass here as he was in some of his old cop films, he still punches sharks in the face and jumps out of parachutes to wrestle them. Eventually, the movie gets around to explaining why sharks piss him off so much, but it's pretty uneventful and predictable. He goes on to have family members killed in a traffic accident, but he doesn't run around Mexico punching cars and trying to drag them back to his bungalow. And given how much the guy hates sharks, and how he seems to spend all day sitting around just waiting for a change to sock one in the jaw, you have to wonder they come to his aid all Aquaman-style during the underwater finale. I guess they respect his predatory, killer instinct and knotty tangle of blond locks.


Helping the movie be that much cooler is the music by Italian exploitation film staples Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis. Blending rock, prog, and film orchestration, G&M, who also worked under collective name Oliver Onions for some reason, turn in a great score that perfectly matches the action and fires up the blood. Pairing all that with nice location work in Cozumel -- my dad's favorite dive spot, incidentally -- makes for an all-around thrilling action film that is far different than the Jaws inspired title would otherwise lead you to believe.

Labels: , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 3 Comments


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Lupin the 3rd: Castle of Cagliostro

1979, Japan. Starring Yasuo Yamada, Eiko Masuyama, Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Makio Inoue, Goro Naya, Sumi Shimamoto, Taro Ishida. Directed by Hayao Miyazaki. Written by Hayao Miyazaki and Tadashi Yamazaki. Buy it now from Amazon.com.

People who are not familiar with the character of Lupin the Third are still likely to have heard of and perhaps even seen this movie thanks entirely to its being the feature film directorial debut of Hayao Miyazaki. Even many non-anime, non-animation moviegoers know Miyazaki's name thanks to the man having single-handedly directing more "timeless classics" than the entirety of the Disney animation studios. These films include My Neighbor Totoro, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Kiki's Delivery Service, and more recent films like Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle. Several of his films (most notable Mononoke and Nausicaa) consistently rank among my top films of all time, and I've never let a friend have a little kid without me sending them a copy of My Neighbor Totoro as a gift (usually accompanied by a copy of Godzilla's Revenge, as both should be required viewing for any wide-eyed and adventurous kid who needs to be brought up proper).

But before Miyazaki became the greatest animation director of all time and left footprints of glittering gold everywhere he went, before he waved his hand and magically made the streams of Japan run rich with gumdrops and chocolate and all the Kit-Kats that kids taking school entrance exams buy for good luck, Miyazaki was naught but a lowly grunt director for the hugely popular Lupin the 3rd television series during its 1970-1971 run. At this point, I'm going to assume you are already familiar with Lupin III. If not, why not take this as a prime opportunity to familiarize yourself with him and his accomplices via our sort of half-assed history of the character in the previously posted review of Lupin the 3rd: The Mystery of Mamo? Miyazaki was one of several directors who worked on the series, alongside Yasuo Otsuka, who was to be the animation director for this movie. Otsuka had a long career in animation, stretching back into the 1950s and including work as an animator on 1960's animated Monkey king adventure Saiyuki -- released in the United States as Alakazam the Great -- and Puss in Boots. In 1971, he became one of the directors for the Lupin television series, then went on to work on Panda! Go Panda and Future Boy Conan.

The script was written by none other than Japanese cinema maverick Seijun Suzuki. There are quite a few anime fans whoa re unfamiliar with live action Japanese cinema, and thus aren't familiar with Suzuki's reputation or his groundbreaking and delirious films. Similarly, quite a few fans of Suzuki's films don't realize that he dabbled in anime, working with his team to provide scripts for the Lupin television series as well as directing episodes of the 1984 run and the 1985 feature film, Lupin III: Legend of the Gold of Babylon under the pseudonym Kiyoshi Suzuki (unfortunately, one of the Lupin movies that is missing in action on domestic DVD as of this writing). Suzuki's oddball yakuza films like Branded to Kill and Tokyo Drifter are often sited as being inspiration for Lupin creator, Monkey Punch, along with the original French pulp tales of Arsene Lupin, obviously (Lupin III being his great grandson).

Unfortunately, Otsuka didn't seem to care for Suzuki's script. He brought in Miyazaki as director for the film, under the condition that Miyazaki provide him with an entirely new plot. I have no idea what Suzuki's script was about, or if portions of it were salvaged for his later Lupin adventure. Even with Miyazaki's new script approved, however, the movie had to be significantly altered during production due to a ridiculously tight shooting schedule that left them only four months to finish the film. According to Miyazaki, the finale was a much grander affair in the script than we got on screen -- which must be something, since the finale is pretty spectacular as is. Still, Miyazaki has frequently expressed disappointment that an overly demanding timetable forced him to go with what he saw as a substandard sequence. As for what he originally had in mind, I can't say, because I don't think Miyazaki himself has ever said.

In one of those twists of fate, the third Lupin film was originally slated to be directed by Mamoru Oshii (who would go on to greater fame with Patlabor and Ghost in the Shell, among others), unitl Oshii's treatment was judged too weird, causing producers to give the job to Seijun Suzuki. Who would have every thought that Suzuki, of all people, would ever be brought into a project to replace someone who was deemed too freaky?

Shooting schedule aside, the film Miyazaki eventually made is Castle of Cagliostro, and it is consistently hailed as one of the hallmarks of anime and animation in general, which is an honor that would soon become synonymous with the work of Hayao Miyazaki. In Castle, one can already see the soon-to-be familiar Miyazaki style emerging in both the character design and the story. After the lusty, bawdy Mystery of Mamo, Castle of Cagliostro is a decidedly more innocent take on the film, and just as fans who know Lupin exclusively through Cagliostro must have been shocked the first time they sat down and watched Mystery of Mamo, likewise fans of the television series and first film must have found Miyazaki's big-screen interpretation of the anti-hero thief a bit of a shift in gears. However, Miyazaki remains true to the spirit of the character and his cohorts (though we've rarely seen and would rarely see again Fujiko wearing such modest outfits) and plants them in the midst of what is undoubtedly one of the finest action-adventure yarns ever spun for the cinema.

We pick up, as is often the case, with cat burglar Lupin (Yasuo Yamada) and former yakuza hitman gone freelance Jigen (Kiyoshi Kobayashi) having just pulled off a heist that results in their tiny European style car being filled to bursting with stolen cash. The instant you see Jigen and Lupin in one of those little European cars, you know you're about to get a chase scene. The little European car chase scene is a staple of the Lupin series, and every bit as integral to the formula as the ski chase is to Bond movies. For the record, Lupin favors the 1969 Fiat 500 from Italy.

Lupin and Jigen soon discover that the loot they've just stolen is all counterfeit, but this seeming setback puts them hot on the trail of a set of legendary counterfeiting plates that are so perfect that there's practically no way to tell real money from counterfeits made with these plates. The trail soon leads them into contact with an innocent young woman, her boorish snob of a guardian, and a conspiracy that has affected the world's monetary markets for centuries. Needless to say, the adventure will also cause Lupin and Jigen to cross paths once again with brooding samurai Goemon (Makio Inoue) and big-bosomed sometimes-competitor, sometimes-partner thief Fujiko (Eiko Masuyama), who manages to keep her clothes on for the entire film, as opposed to the last movie, where she was constantly falling out of whatever garment she half-heartedly threw on. Despite its status as an animated feature, Cagliostro is still one of the most breathtaking, pleasing, and flat-out fun swashbuckling adventures ever filmed, stuffed to the gills with sword fights, guys scaling castle walls, dungeons full of skeletons, hijinks in a gyrocopter, secret chambers, and other quality adventure staples.

The movie is set in magical Miyazaki-Land. Drawing on fairytales and Japanese misconceptions about what it must be like in Europe, the world of Castle of Cagliostro is all twisting medieval roads, rolling green fields, glittering lakes, crumbling ruins, and majestic Bavarian style castles. It's a dreamlike fairytale amalgamation of Europe past, present, and purely imagined, complete with a knight in shining armor (or at least in a garish seafoam green blazer), an usurper to the throne (or the fortune), and a damsel in distress who gets locked away in the tall tower of a castle. Just as Western films tend to present idealized and stylized representations of Asia, here we get a highly stylized hallucination of a Europe that doesn't quite exist but seems imminently believable since so much of the iconography is so familiar (European films themselves would create equally fairytale like representations of their own past in the sword and sandal adventures of the 1960s). Miyazaki spares no artistic expense in bringing his modern fairytale Europe to life. Every hand-drawn frame is stuffed with detail. The characters are constantly in motion (Lupin is, as usual, a flailing bundle of gangly limbs) and backgrounds are lush and colorful. As with all of Miyazaki's work, Castle of Cagliostro is a testament to the potential of classic, hand-drawn, pre-computer assisted cel animation. For my money, only Akira and some of the films from director Rintaro can match Miyazaki for the sheer amount of gorgeous detail they fit into each frame.

Beautiful artwork can only get you so far, however. The rest is up to the characters and the story. The script written by Miyazaki and Tadashi Yamazaki (aka Harauya Yamazaki, who would go on to work on Space Adventure Cobra) is a perfect blend of fairytale romance (in the purest definition of what the word used to mean), comedy, and action setpieces that are highlighted by the aforementioned car chase, a battle with razor-clawed ninjas (or whatever the Frenchy butler equivalent of ninjas would be), and the climactic clock-tower showdown. Miyazaki keeps the film quick-paced without ever glossing over detail or skimping on character development. What I really like about the script here is that it is scaled back. There is always a tendency when a character makes the transition from television (or manga, or American comic books) to movies to make the story in which they find themselves a huge "save the whole world" sort of affair. Mystery of Mamo definitely gave in to that temptation (though it was still an incredibly good movie), and while it's fun to see the character operating on such a grand stage, I appreciate that for the second film, rather than go even bigger and more outrageous, things were reigned in. Cagliostro is a much more intimate film, which allows for greater character development, but at the same time it boasts action scenes that are even better and more thrilling than what was seen in its more sprawling predecessor. Although the implications of the counterfeiting conspiracy could potentially affect the whole world, at its heart, Cagliostro is simply the fairytale story of a hero rescuing a damsel from an evil jackass.

Each of the primary characters is easy to like, even when they were at their greediest and most ribald in the previous film, but Cagliostro really excels at making Lupin and his crew into characters about which you care, which makes the story and action much more enthralling. They're helped to no small end by Count Cagliostro himself, who is the picture perfect brutish, rich jerk that fans of Lupin so love seeing their hero take apart. Caught in the middle of it all is poor old Inspector Zenigata (you didn't thin they would leave him out, did you?), voiced as usual by the superb Goro Naya. As would become common in the cinematic adaptations of Lupin, Zenigata starts out the film determined to arrest Lupin at all costs, only to later be forced into an uneasy truce with the thief when he discovers a far greater evil than Lupin's sticky fingers.

Miyazaki's experience with the characters through working on the television show is obvious, as is his desire to do something a little different with them. Cagliostro isn't what you'd call a reimagining of the characters, but it is markedly different without every betraying what draws people to this lovable cast of rascals. Lupin is still a rascal, but his fiery loins are temporarily in check as he throws himself into rescuing Countess Clarisse (Sumi Shimamoto) from her overbearing and abusive guardian, Count Cagliostro (Taro Ishida), who can only maintain his hold on the Cagliostro fortune by dominating young Clarisse. In fact, Lupin seems even more committed to the welfare of this young woman -- completely without sexual advances, for once -- than he is to uncovering the secret of the counterfeiting plates. Although knight errant a departure for Lupin, the story makes the shift in motivation is well explained and completely believable. For once, he truly is a gentleman thief. Even Fujiko also seems less interested in the double-cross. Jigen and Goemon are their usual gruff, lovable selves, but all of the characters seem infused with a more innocent energy than we've seen before.

Countess Clarisse (named after the original French pulp novel Lupin's wife) does little more than fulfill the doe-eyed damsel in distress role and foretell Miyazaki's lifelong obsession with young princesses. She looks almost identical to Nausicaa (though most of Miyazaki's young female protagonists look similar), and the design of her character stands out somewhat compared to the design of Lupin, Jigen, and Goemon. Lupin had a long-standing established look, but Miyazaki also possesses a very strong sense of how he wants his material to look. For the most part, he manages to adapt each of the characters to his style, keeping them looking like they should, with just a few tweaks here and there. Clarisse, however, is pure Miyazaki. And even though she's the weakest of the characters, it hardly matters since it's up to Lupin to carry most of the story anyway. And he's written to do so with a refreshing gusto. Even though they are only cartoons, it's easy to forget that and see Lupin as an actor who is absolutely excited about the movie and giving his role every ounce of energy he has. If you have ever doubted the ability of an animated character to really act, then Castle of Cagliostro should banish those thoughts from your mind. It's not just the voice acting, either -- Miyazaki and his staff put tremendous effort into facial expressions and body language. It is far and away the easiest time I've ever had forgetting that what I was seeing was animation.

This was the final go-round for Miyazaki in the Lupin universe, save for returning to direct a couple episodes of the 1980 run of the series, under the pseudonym Tereki Tsutomu. He worked a bit more in television during the first half of the 1980s, then in 1984 directed one of my absolute favorite films, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. In 1986 came Laputa, Castle in the Sky, followed in 1988 by My Neighbor Totoro. After that, the sky was the limit, and Miyazaki became one of the biggest -- if not the biggest -- name in Japanese animation in particular and Japanese film in general. During the dark days of the late 1990s and early 2000s, when the Japanese film industry seem to crumble entirely, Miyazaki films were the only domestic productions Japanese moviegoers would bother to go watch in the theaters.

Which is ironic in a way, because Castle of Cagliostro was an infamous flop upon its initial release, panned by filmgoers for being too sweet and childish and not at all what they demanded from the thieving rakehell with whom they'd fallen in love. It was a family-friendly version of Lupin, albeit family friendly in the classical sense of the word, which meant you could still have smoking, shooting, skeletons, and ninjas with razorblade claws. Like the films of Akira Kurosawa, Cagliostro didn't find any success until it sought it overseas. It was the first animated film to ever be screened at Cannes, and Western fans, unfamiliar with the Lupin III character but able to recognize the European backdrop and universal adventure appeal of the movie, championed its cause. Decades later, the initial cold shoulder given the film has been all but forgotten and Castle of Cagliostro has taken its rightful place among the upper echelons of animated classics.

Even people who find Lupin irritating can probably rally behind this film. It's packed with everything good adventure filmmaking should have. There are plenty of films in the world that have been tagged with the "one of the greatest films ever made" hype, but Cagliostro is the rare movie that really lives up to the hype. It's not often that you can find a movie that is this energetic and fun. It's hard not to grin like an idiot through the whole thing, because it's such a recklessly enthralling joy ride.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 4 Comments


Friday, April 07, 2006

For Your Height Only

Release Year: 1979
Country: The Philippines
Starring: Weng Weng, Mike Cohen, Tony Ferrer, Carmi Martin, Ruben Ramos, Beth Sandoval.
Writer: Cora Caballes
Director: Eddie Nicart
Cinematographer: Val Dauz
Producer: Peter M. Caballes
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


I was all excited to kick off a month of anime reviews with the epic adventure of Odin, and then my disc shows up from Netflix with a big ol' crack down the middle. With the bitter salt taste of tears in my mouth as they rolled down my sagging old man jowls, I realized that I was going to have to wait for a replacement disc to show up before I could explore the glorious word of the Photon Space Sailer Starlight, thus upsetting my Machiavellian scheme to inflict one of the most bloated, glorious disasters in anime history on you in a way that would make you think, "That truly sounds terrible; I must see it."

So then, I thought to myself, well, I should just continue with the Netflix Diary idea, which would mean moving on to Millennium Mambo and For Your Height Only. That sounded pretty good, but then I started watching the Tamil film Abhay, and it was so thoroughly insane and mind-blowing that I thought, "Surely it is this that I must review, for it is such a grand and gloriously psychotic work of art!" And then I was going to use that to do a month of Bollywood that would include everything from pipe-smoking chimps in sequined fezzes to evil bald criminal masterminds in Nehru jackets. But then, at roughly a hundred minutes into the movie (halfway, for you people unacquainted with the running time of Indian films), I discovered that DEI's disc is defective (I had previously rented the movie and thought the dying at the hundred minute mark was on account of the scratched up quality of the disc), thus leaving me hanging right at the moment that Abhay the psycho turns into a cartoon and spins my most beloved Manisha Koirala round and round on his big-ass knife (the whole movie is that plum crazy). I threw my arms to the tumultuous heavens and growled with a great guttural snarl, "Why do the Gods desire me to never finish Abhay???"

So here I sit today, impatiently awaiting my replacement copy of Odin and hoping I can scare up a non-defective copy of Abhay at some point in the next week or two (India Weekly has a different version for sale, but just to compound the insults heaped 'pon me, their online order form is malfunctioning today), wondering what I should do to keep the reviews from growing stale. So I guess I'm back to following the Netflix queue, which has piled up in the last week as I've been a bit busy with other pursuits. So out of the potential titles waiting to be reviewed, I think I'll go with For Your Height Only, mainly because I have not had enough time to watch Millennium Mambo, Lady Snowblood, or The Occultist, though The Occultist looks pretty wretched, so I'm excited about that. The Patlabor III/Ghost in the Shell II review was pretty heavy, so I'm itching to dig into some more humorous material.


When it comes to humorous material, however, For Your Height Only pretty much writes itself. I wrote in the review of Nigahen about what I call the Something Weird Phenomenon -- when a movie's basic description turns out to be far more entertaining sounding than the movie itself. The Filipino action film For Your Height Only can be summed up as, "A three-foot tall midget superspy in a leisure suit uses a boomerang fishing hat, jet pack, and kungfu to tear a bloody path through the criminal underworld." One would think, with a description that fabulous, that surely For Your Height Only would be another example of the Something Weird Phenomenon. It is a monumental feat, accompanied by angels blowing mightily upon trumpets of gold, that For Your Height Only manages to live up to and perhaps even surpass the expectations instilled in the viewed by so striking a summary.

Suffice it to say that this is really one of those movies you just need to see before you can grasp just how wonderful it is. This is the sort of movie that gave birth to this website. For Your Height Only was actually one of the first movies ever reviewed on Teleport City, though if you were to ask me the exact date, about all I could say to you would be, "You know, Nathan Shumate over at Cold Fusion Video was smart enough to keep track of the posting dates of his reviews." Like most of my early reviews, it was of exceptionally poor quality, as opposed to our current standard of just "shockingly poor quality." In time, I deleted the review with the intention of rewriting the whole thing so as to pay proper respects to a movie in which the leading hero is referred lovingly as being, "small and petite, like a potato."

So it is with considerable anxiousness in regards to my own abilities as a writer that I open a bottle of fine champagne and say, "Weng Weng, Agent 00, welcome back."


As a bit of a disclaimer, let me first say that I'm in love with The Philippines. I have great affection for any country that is tropical and manages to blend both South Asian and Latino culture, along with all the political instability and tendency toward upheaval and shoe collecting those two cultural guidepost entail (yes, thank God our great American political culture is totally free of any corruption or incompetence). Plus, it's one of the few places where a fat guy with a greasy moustache and an unbuttoned Aloha shirt can still be an action hero. Some day, I would like to live there.

The world of Filipino cinema is a pretty messy place, but like the seedy back streets of Manila, it's well worth picking your way through and becoming acquainted with some of the more flamboyant members of the society. Filipino cinema leapt into the global cult film consciousness thanks in large part to their willingness to play host to Hong Kong and American film industry cast-offs. The Philippines ha acted in many ways like the Italian film industry in that they love to latch onto an exploit a trend, but with even less money. In the 1970s, they produced a slew of cut-rate kungfu films -- and I mean cut-rate even when compared to cut-rate Hong Kong kungfu films. During the 1980s, the post-apocalypse and crappy action films fell into the loving embrace of their bosomy Filipino lover, resulting in some of the most daft entries into each genre, often prefaced with the title, "A Cirio Santiago Production." Santiago was sort of the Filipino answer to Golan and Globus, a filmmaker who never saw a concept that couldn't be drained for every penny it was worth, and then some so long as he added some nudity.

In the 1990s, when the Girls With Guns trend that delighted us for many years in Hong Kong finally fell out of favor with audiences who preferred, it would seem, romantic comedies, the entire trend packed its bags and headed toward the Philippines, where genre staples like Yukari Oshima and Cynthia Khan found new life in really bad films.


For Your Height Only is the Filipino attempt to cash in on the James Bond inspired trend of the 1960s, except that it came out in 1979. It's not because they were Johnny Come Lately on the spy trend; it's because star Weng Weng was worth waiting for. Star Weng Weng stands three feet tall, making him one of the shortest secret agents in espionage history, at least until Tom Cruise came along (sorry, it was such an easy joke, but I couldn't help myself). In fact, Weng is on record as being the shortest leading man in movie history. Beyond that, however, the man called Weng Weng has lived a life every bit as shrouded in mystery as that of the secret agent character that catapulted him to international stardom. What little we know about him is a heady concoction of fact and unconfirmed legend. Some say he worked the blue movie circuit for a while, though as far as I know, no one has ever turned up any evidence of this, and more than likely, it just seemed like a funny rumor to start, like John Denver being a Special Forces sniper during the Vietnam War (he was actually a sniper during WWII, and then was cryogenically frozen and revived when it was time for someone to sing Sunshine on My Shoulder). All I know is that when the moon is full and the tradewinds are sweet with the scent of coconut oil that has been spread on the flat, tan belly of a languidly relaxing topless island girl, you can still here Weng Weng, voice, drifting through the palm trees, saying something wise like, "Ow, my wuttle head!"

For a man's man, actions will always speak louder that words, and while the story of Weng Weng may be shrouded in mystery and lies, we do have For Your Height Only -- For Y'ur Height Only, as the credits dub it -- which sees Weng Weng donning a white leisure suit to do battle with the forces of evil, as the forces of evil believe that, "the forces of good are our sword enemies! They must be exterminated -- and I mean lethally!" When a top research scientist is kidnapped by thugs working for the mysterious Mr. Giant (one guess as to how tall he turns out to be), Filipino secret agent Weng is interrupted in the middle of reclining with a cocktail with a couple hot babes by the side of his pool. Weng is a lover, and no woman in this film is able to resist his charms, but he's also a fighter, and when duty calls, it's time for the broads to hit the bricks.


Weng is armed by his chief with an array of James Bond style gadgets that were apparently the gadgets the British Secret Service received as a result of their "Design your own spy gadget" contest that was held for children ages 8-12. He gets a goofy looking old man hat that doesn't match his debonair look (it looks like it should have fishing lures affixed to it for ease of access when the bass start a' bitin'), but it is remote controlled, which means he can fling it at would-be foes and then steer it with his watch, thus annoying the foe to no end as the otherwise innocuous and harmless hat flutters about in their faces, sort of like a medium sized moth or one of those discarded shopping bags that gets swept up by a gust of wind and plasters itself momentarily to your shin. He also has a pair of X-ray glasses which are perfect for looking at bosomy secretaries in his chief's office, a special gun, and a pen that "looks like a normal pen, but it's a weapon. Has many uses," none of which are explained to us. I assume Weng can just jab it in a guy's throat, but if that's the case, it's not really that impressive an invention, because they already have pens and toothbrushes that are specially designed for murder (you can get them at Pottery Barn).

Now properly equipped, Weng immediately sets out on his mission, befriending a woman named Lola -- just one of several women who will fall for the small guy's suave moves -- and this guy has both disco moves and hardcore kungfu skills. Giant's henchmen do their best to kill Weng as he chops, slices, shoots, and jet packs his way toward Mr. Giant's secret lair on an island called Secret Island.


For Your Height Only does not skimp in the least on the action. Weng can't walk down a street in Manila for more than a few steps before someone is taking potshots at him, forcing him into a storm of secret agent fury. The choreography in the fight scenes is played slightly for laughs, as Weng flips, flies, and is flung all over the place with surprising agility. At the same time, however, the choreography is still pretty good. The fights move briskly, and Weng pulls off quite a few decent stunts (obviously, he doesn't use a stunt double), including a lot of dangling and jumping about as he is chased through and over the rides in a parking lot carnival. His sword fight with a bunch of thugs is pretty good, too -- especially when he does the weird "aiming with my sword" thing where he rests the blade on his forearm and looks down it like the sights of a rifle. I don't want to say that the power of his kungfu is entirely believable, but it's filmed in such a way that, at least within the context of a film about a babe-bangin' midget secret agent, you can buy that Weng is a bad-ass.

The film strikes a pretty good balance between serious action and goofy comedy -- some of which comes from the dub, which peppers the dialogue with a little more hamminess than I assume was resent in the original. Most of the comedy works well, though it does rely heavily on the simple appeal of the visual gag of seeing a guy under three feet tall who kicks the ass of the villains and makes sweet, sweet love to the womens. Weng isn't a great actor, but he handles his role well, pulls off the action, and manages to be fairly charming in a goofy way. He's no Roger Moore, but he's doing a decent enough imitation of a Roger Moore Mini-Me. The supporting cast -- well, since everyone is dubbed anyway, and it sounds as if some of the dialogue was rewritten to be funnier (which, in a rare occurrence, it actually manages to be), there's not much point in attempting to assess the acting.


The music is largely stolen from or based on the music from the James Bond film For Your Eyes Only. Everything about the film is dirt cheap, but it's competently if unspectacularly made never the less. It looks better than many independent films with more money, and as good as some of the bottom-of-the-barrel Eurospy movies from the 1960s. Not having much money means that you're not really going to get that jet-set international feel. The villains drive a powder blue Volkswagon, and Weng seems to walk to all his locations, probably because that's how he keeps fit. Weng's wardrobe is pretty impressive, though, as he boasts an array of suits and shirts with big collars and open chests. The gals seem fond of Capri pants and tropical-print blouses. There aren't really any special effects at which to fail, at least up until Weng straps on his jet pack and flies to Mr. Giant's secret lair. It looks like they just strap him to a crane and swing him around -- he even kicks his feet playfully as he drifts through the air with a sparkler sticking out his rear.

One thing for sure, For Your Height Only never takes a break from the action and always has another trick up its sleeve -- whether it's a sword fight, a disco scene, or Weng just looking like a stone cold killer as he runs down the street with an M-16 that's just as tall as he is. For Your Height Only really wants nothing more than to thrill and entertain and be a good time at the movies, and it certainly accomplishes that. It's a tremendous amount of fun, not just because it's a Filipino midget spy kungfu action extravaganza, but also because halfway through, you pretty much forget that Weng is such a small guy, and you realize that you're enjoying the movie, cheap as it is, simply because it's an enjoyable movie.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 5 Comments


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

HOTS

1979, United States. Starring Susan Kiger, Lisa London, Pamela Jean Bryant, Kimberly Carson, Mary Steelsmith, Angela Aames, Marjorie Andrade, Cece Bullard, Karen Smith, Robyn Martin, Lindsay Bloom, K.C. Winkler, Sandy Johnson, Marilyn Rubin. Directed by Gerald Seth Sindell. Available on DVD from Amazon

So I think we have this and Pom-Pom Girls, and then we're pretty much finished with the whole cheerleader exploitation thing and can move on to more important genres like sexy stewardess sexploitation and naughty nurse sexploitation. You may recall in my review of the first of these films I watched for this site, The Swinging Cheerleaders, I stated that I wasn't all that interested in cheerleader movies. Well obviously, since this is the fourth one I've reviewed so far, that initial assertion hasn't proven to be entirely accurate. What I should have said is that I don't care for cheerleader movies that are like H.O.T.S.

H.O.T.S. was one of those perennial late-night cable favorites that would entice young boys to find a way to stay up late and get a glimpse of the many forbidden fruits put on display. For me, this usually meant going over to my friend Rob's house since there was no cable television where we lived, but his dad had installed one of those gigantic old satellite TV systems that could pick up everything. Although our favorites were Sword and the Sorcerer, Revenge of the Ninja, and that first Emanuelle film with Sylvia Kristel, we'd pretty much watch anything that was on so long as it promised us bloodshed or nudity, or preferable, some tantalizing combination of both. While the commercials for H.O.T.S. didn't seem to promote much in the way of bloodshed, they did trumpet the idea that there would be naked boobs galore. And so we planned our schedules and assumed that we'd have another classic piece of entertainment to add to our list.

It's pretty clear to me now that the reason I thought I didn't like cheerleader sexploitation was because the only one I'd ever seen was H.O.T.S., and even as a young lad desperate for anything with a hint of nudity, I recognized that H.O.T.S. stunk and stunk bad. I seem to even recall that halfway through we simply gave up and decided to watch something else - and given the broadcast schedule for cable TV at the time, there's a 90% chance we ended up watching Beastmaster for the umpteenth time. Now, I have nothing but fondness for Beastmaster, but it really says something about your nudie cheerleader movie when a couple of kids would rather watch Beastmaster yet again than finish the sexploitation.

H.O.T.S., for all its promise, turned out to be idiotic, tedious, and surprisingly timid. Now idiotic I can take in a nudie film. I wouldn't be one to claim that filth like The Cheerleaders and Revenge of the Cheerleaders was anything but idiotic. And perhaps even a bit tedious. But at least they weren't timid. When they decided to bare it all, they bared it all. H.O.T.S., coming as it does at the very tail end of the cheerleader exploitation arc, suffers from increasing limitations on what could be gotten away with in a film. Thus this movie has a distinct lack of the full nudity we've come to love and expect from movies of the 1970s. Unable to be as brash and flat-out twisted as previous films, this final whimper (or first murmur of the 1980s teen sex comedy) attempts to make up for its lack of guts by stealing the plot from Animal House and putting more boobs on parade since it can't show anything else.

The thing movies this wretched never seem to understand is that when you steal the plot of a film that is much better than yours, all it's going to do is remind people that they could be watching Animal House instead. H.O.T.S. has more in common with that movie than with any of the 1970s cheerleader films, and in fact, it's not so much that it has anything in common with Animal House as much as it has everything in common with all those God awful 1980s teen sex comedies that flooded the world in the wake of Animal House. If you're around my age, you know the ones. A team of misfits, probably possessed of an unquenchable thirst for sex and beer, must devise a plan to let them beat the snotty rich kids in the big ski race/raft race/football game/what have you. Along the way, a lot of twenty-something starlets will show their boobs, and probably at least one guy will fall off a ladder.

H.O.T.S. fulfills all the requirements of the genre and then some by taking it a step further and making the plot even more similar to Animal House. Our heroic girls are part of the H.O.T.S. anti-sorority, the hottest and sassiest group of girls on campus. Hijinks, often of a sexual nature, are the order of the day when the H.O.T.S. ladies (Heather, O'Hare, Teri, and Sam) decide that in order to get back at the evil sorority, they'll steal every man on campus and thus deprive the snobby girls of their daily lovin'…at least until the antics of the H.O.T.S. girls steams the uptight dean and he threatens to close down their house. Naturally, the day can only be saved by engaging in some sort of sporting activity against the rival rich girl sorority, and the sport they chose is strip football.

So yeah, dumb enough, right? But it's not so dumb that the movie couldn't be good for at least something so long as it appealed to the sordid side of what people might desire in their late-night sleazy movies. And while H.O.T.S. does feature a large number of bountiful bouncing breasts and waste no time in getting to them, it turns out they're not enough to make up for the film's horrendous acting, painful attempts at comedy, and shockingly boring script. It turns out, contrary to what you may believe, that yes, a movie can be so bad that not even a lot of boobs can save it. I thought that maybe I'd overestimated how bad the film was when I was young, but secretly I knew that wasn't the case. I was just making excuses for renting it again so Teleport City could be something like, "The number one online authority on sleazy cheerleader movies." I mean hell, if the movie couldn't past muster when I was eleven, it sure as hell wasn't going to get any better with age. And it turns out that it got even worse. I wouldn't call it the worst 1980s teen sex comedy ever made, but it's certainly up there in the running. Once again, despite my best efforts, I couldn't finish the movie. I ended up watching the last forty minutes on so on fast forward just so I could say that at least I made it to the end. Even that was a chore. There is probably an actual matehematical way to graph the point at which boob shots no longer compensate for the abysmalness of the movie in which they appear. Whatever that graph may look like, H.O.T.S. definitely appears ont he negative end of the bouncing bell curve.

The comedy is on the level of things like the college being F.U. Heh heh. Get it? And the evil sorority? Pi! You know, like, as in…you know. Also, there's a fat chick because comedy demands a fat chick. Man, this movie makes Revenge of the Cheerleaders seem inspired for casting David Hasselhoff as a guy named Boner. About the best you get here is Danny Bonaduce in bed with a seal. Even if the comedy had been funny, the delivery would have killed it since pretty much no one could act -- though that didn't stop several of the girls from going on to lucrative careers in awful direct-to-video sci-fi and horror films and, one assumes, appearing regularly at the Chiller Theatre convention. Kim Carson, who plays H.O.T.S. founder Sam, probably had the most prolific post-H.O.T.S. career. She has some ninety-five films to her credit, many with titles like Talk Dirty to Me IV, New Wave Hookers, Rockin' Erotica, and the much-acclaimed Cumshot Revue II, which personally I felt suffered from trying to be bigger and more expensive than the original while forgetting what made part one such a classic. I'm willing to bet all of those films actually have better scripts and acting than this one.

You know what? I really hate this movie. I hate it a lot. And when I hate a movie this much, it's not even any fun to write about it - and I haven't even gotten to the scene with the robot. I wouldn't recommend H.O.T.S. even if you are hard up for boobs. You might as well just go ahead and rent one of the older cheerleader movies from the 1970s. Not only do they show a lot more, they somehow manage to be a lot less irksome than this "dawn of the 80s sex comedy" film. At least they go all out with their nudity and had the good sense not to dally too long in between sex scenes. H.O.T.S. has stretches of gut-wrenchingly unfunny comedy that seem to go on for a truly epic amount of time, and nothing slows time down more effectively than bad, unfunny comedy. And this isn't the sort of bad comedy that is so bad it actually becomes funny. No, this is just bad comedy that is so bad that it's boring, and then they make it last for a long time. As a kid, I simply turned to a different channel. As a grown man who really should be ashamed of himself for even thinking of watching H.O.T.S., I was pondering gouging out my eyes before I decided to simply get the film over with and never think about it again.

H.O.T.S. It's a teen sex comedy that can't even capture the attention of a teenager. If you think to defend the film by saying that it's pointless to criticize the acting or story in a film like this, then all I can say then is, first of all, it shouldn't have had so much acting and story if it couldn't do those things. And secondly, even as brainless sleazy sexploitation, H.O.T.S. fails utterly despite some nice breasts on display. There is absolutely no reason to watch the movie, unless you need something to demonstrate to you the merits of The Cheerleaders and Revenge of the Cheerleaders, which are the movies you should probably be watching instead of H.O.T.S.. You know, this movie has put in a bad mood, now, which makes it even worse. What kind of wacky sex romp puts you in a bad mood? I'm going to have to go watch Bruce Lee pull out Chuck Norris' chest hair just to make myself feel better.

The best way to sum up the whole experience goes thusly: when I was in college, my good friend Eric was working as an usher at a movie theater when showgirls hit the screens. I myself worked as an usher a few years prior, but that was when Home Alone came out. Anyway, it being a high-profile NC-17 sleazefest, theaters knew that every underage kid worth their weight in salt was going to be devising complicated schemes for sneaking in to see the film. So one of Eric's jobs was to stand guard over the doorway and recheck ticket stubs for anyone entering the forbidden auditorium of unearthly delights presented in the form of the chick from Saved by the Bell giving a lap dance to the guy from Twin Peaks. During one of the showings, perhaps an hour into the movie, a guy walks out of the theater, turns to Eric, and says, "Tits and ass aren't worth a movie that bad."

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Warriors

1979, United States. Starring Michael Beck, James Remar, Dorsey Wright, Brian Tyler, David Harris, Tom McKitterick, Marcelino Sanchez, Terry Michos, Thomas G. Waites, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Roger Hill, David Patrick Kelly, Lynne Thigpen, Ginny Ortiz, Mercedes Ruehl. Directed by Walter Hill. Available on DVD (Amazon).

As you know, I always try and set the stage for you. If you have been keeping up with our ongoing history lessons in the Italian cop film reviews (and you should), you know we've been concentrating a lot on edumacating the people about the social and political climate during the late 1960s and 1970s. We've been doing this partly to try and shed the light of reality on the shady misinformation that is 1970s nostalgia. But mostly, we've just been doing it because a lot of the movies we review are from that era. It was, after all, the Golden Age of exploitation film making.

So okay. 1979. New York is a mess. The United States is still trying desperately to pull itself out of the social nosedive that took place as a result of the Vietnam War. Crime is totally out of control in many of the nation's major urban areas. Jimmy Carter is proving to be one the most ineffectual presidents of all time. The gasoline and energy crisis serve to augment his failure to control exploding inflation, expanding poverty, and rampant crime. This is to say nothing of his horrible international policy.

No place in America embodies the madness quite like New York. The city was a wreck. A fire in the South Bronx burned for days because the fire department refused to go into the neighborhood to put it out. Those who could afford to lost themselves amid the mindless drug-enduced haze of the disco club scene, content to let society self-destruct around them as long as they could do a little dance, make a little love, and get down while wearing abysmal gold lame pantsuits and funky-ass medallions. Even punk rock was still in it's largely nihilistic, somewhat mindless phase, having not yet rooted itself in he more socially and politically active style of punk that would rise up during the 1980s, thanks in no small part to having targets as massive and glaring as Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Ahh yes, where would punk rock be without them?

Everything was, in a word, insane.

So imagine, if you will, that you are walking home one night. It's late, and you are in a hurry. You know you shouldn't, but you decide to cut across the park to make your walk shorter. You slip from the safe orange glow of street lights into the enveloping shadows of the park. Trees and darkness. You quicken your pace a little, and suddenly realize someone is behind you. Your stomach turns; the bottom seems to drop out. You hurry, take a few turns here and there, and they are still there. Definitely following you. You try to cast a quick glance back without being too obvious.

There seem to be five of them. Maybe more hiding in the night. You try to shake them, try to find spots you think might have other people in them. No luck. Finally, you find yourself cornered. They are right behind you, and you must turn to face them.

They stand there, silently, clad entirely in baseball uniforms, wielding bats, faces painted up like multi-colored mimes. You realize with horror that you are not just in trouble, you are in The Warriors.

The Warriors is a difficult film to figure out. On the one hand, few films have plotted out New York's geography as well and as accurately as this. You have films like Ultimate Warrior starring Yul Brynner where he walks out of the New York Public Library and is down by the Canal Street subway station. I guess if you don't live in New York, it's no big deal, but for those of us who are here it's a source of annoyance and amusement. The Warriors understands New York geography in a way that could only be expressed by a native. No one else can understand how incredibly difficult it can be to get around in this city, how it can take an entire day of trains and walking to get from one end of town to the other, let alone from The Bronx to Coney Island. It's even more impressive when you learn that almost all the underground subway shots (they run above ground in Brooklyn and The Bronx) were done in one spot (72nd street on the West Side).

The Warriors turns New York's layout into a character. That's very clever. This movie could only happen in New York. It's similar to what was done in Across 110th Street where the film depicts how incredibly difficult, for both physical and sociological reasons, it can be to simply cross the street into another neighborhood. New York is full of invisible walls. Most of the time, there is no buffer zone. The ritzy upscale neighborhoods of 86th and Park are no more than a couple blocks, just a few minutes walking time, from the Harlem ghettos. Yet never the twain shall meet. The barriers are there, even if you can't see them.

In that sense, The Warriors is a work of absolute genius. No other film has so perfectly captured the feeling of frustration and helplessness that comes from something as simple as waiting for your train or getting dumped in a completely unfamiliar part of town. If you don't live here, you can't understand how huge the city is and how it can make what would be a simple, five minute drive anywhere else into a day long journey into the bizarre.

On the other hand, no film is as outlandishly unrealistic as The Warriors when it comes to depicting street gangs. I mean, the gang of purple pimps? The gang of mimes? The Gramercy Riffs all in their silk pajamas and kungfu shirts? The Baseball Furies? Granted, I wasn't living in New York in 1979, but I have a feeling some of these gangs might be just a little off the wall, even for New York.

Anyway, to really dig into this film, you can go way beyond New York and look at Ancient Greece. I know, I know. Right now, you're going "Watchoo tawkin' 'bout, Keith?" in your best Gary Coleman voice. But dig it, baby: this cat named Homer wrote himself a couple yarns called The Iliad and The Odyssey. Or so they say. Fact of the matter is that the two stories are so amazingly different from one another (one being a very straight-forward historical war story, the other being a wild hallucinogenic fantasy) that a lot of learned elders doubt they are both the work of Homer. It possible that Homer, blind epic poet that he was, was a master of multiple genres. It's possible that he wrote The Odyssey while suffering from a terrible fever or after licking toads or something. And it's possible that the stories were written by two completely different people. We may never know for sure.

As you should all know, no matter what country you are from, The Odyssey is the story of Ulysses, a soldier who is returning home with his crew from the Trojan War, where they did this really cool thing with a giant wooden badger. On the way back to his home turf, he gets sidetracked (the heroic way of saying "lost") and ends up going on an ... ummm ... well, an odyssey where he has to fight all sorts of fanciful creatures, flirt with harpies, you know -- Greek hero stuff. Eventually, he makes his way home with the survivors of his crew, only to find himself a changed man.

The Warriors is the story of Swan, a soldier who is returning home with his crew from a big gang meeting in The Bronx. On the way back to his home turf, he gets sidetracked and ends up going on an odyssey where he has to fight all kinds of fanciful gang members, avoid The Lizzies, you know -- New York gang guy stuff. Eventually he makes it back to his turf with the survivors of his crew only to find himself a changed man.

If it isn't a direct retelling of the classic tale,it's certainly inspired by it, and a testament to how ingrained Homer's epic has become in our society. The 1970s were full of "weird trip" movies like this and Apocalypse Now in which seemingly recognizable surroundings slowly melt away and become nightmarish alien landscapes, just familiar enough to us to be that much more unnerving. Of course, this could also be because the writers were dropping lots of acid, but I like to think it was Homer, who -- if you read The Odyssey -- may have dropped a little acid (or the ancient Greek equivalent) himself. And plus, by connecting The Warriors to The Odyssey, you can thus claim that in an indirect way, The Warriors is an adaptation of James Joyce's classic novel Ulysses, which was based abstractly on the journeys of Ulysses from The Odyssey. This can come in really handy if you have a serious literature paper to write but feel like writing about The Warriors instead.

But wait! There's more! The real source material for The Warriors is yet another ancient Greek story, The Anabasis by Xenophon. This one tells of a small platoon of Greek soldiers who are hired to fight in the Persian War. When their benefactor is murdered (his name, I do believe, was Cyrus), they must fight their way back to their territory against seemingly insurmountable odds. Between the two stories, you should have plenty of material for a paper.

Okay, so onto the next bit of back story. I love writing about this movie because there is so much going on with it. When it was finished in 1979, The Warriors was very nearly banned. There were reports of gang violence and bloodshed at screenings in New York. Turns out just about all these reports were fabrication on the part of a group of censorship nuts who simply didn't want the film to be released. Those of you who are my age will remember a similar brouhaha when Colors was released several years later, with the main difference being that then there really was gang violence. Plus, Colors sucked.

Other reports scolded the film for using real gangs in the shooting (the shooting of film, that is), thus perpetuating the feeling that it was cool to be in a gang. In fact, just about everyone in The Warriors was a Broadway/off Broadway dancer. Members of one real gang were included in the film because the film makers accidentally spray-painted a giant "Warriors" prop tag on the real gang's tag down at Coney. This pissed the gang off, and in order to keep them happy, they were given parts in the film. That's diplomacy!

So, onto the film! Michael Beck plays Swan, the "war chief" of a Coney Island gang called The Warriors. You may think that a gang whose home turf is an amusement park is sort of weak, but you probably haven't seen Coney Island. That place makes the worst parking lot carnival seem as clean and safe as Disneyworld. I mean, these days the freak show features Coco the Killer Clown, a midget in face paint who earned his stage name by actually doing time for murder.

Swan, along with eight other members of the gang, are heading up to Van Cortland Park in The Bronx for a big meeting of all the major and semi-major gangs in the city. For those of you unfamiliar with New York City, Coney Island to Van Cortland Park is a long-ass way, probably a few hours by train.

The meeting is being held at the bequest of Cyrus, the James Brown-esque leader of the city's most powerful and organized gang, the Gramercy Riffs. I'm not sure if the Riffs are actually from Gramercy. It's a small area, fairly upscale, and I don't think all the Riffs could fit there. Incidentally, this movie is a lot more fun if you get yourself a New York City subway map and play along! Anyway, if the Gramercy Riffs actually are from Gramercy, I wonder why the hell they would want to hike all the way up to Van Cortland Park for a meeting. It would have been closer to actually go down to Coney with The Warriors. Then, after the meeting, all the gang guys could ride the Wonder Wheel together. Oh, what fun they would have!

Cyrus' plan is to keep up a truce between all street gangs and unite them to take over the city. As he says, there are at least 60,000 assorted gang members and hangers-on, while there are only 20,000 cops. He also says "Can you dig it!?!?!" a lot in this weird sort of offkey way, sort of like the same weird offkey way Hacksaw Jim Duggan chants "USA!" Most of the gangs at the meeting are pretty into the plan, maybe because they see the Gramercy Riffs are powerful enough to have matching silk robes and slippers.

But all parties have a spoil sport. This time, it's David Patrick Kelly, starring as a greasy, wormy little guy. David Patrick Kelly would go on to appear in many roles as a greasy, wormy little guy, including the Arnold Swarzennegger film Commando ("remember when I said I would kill you last? I lied."), and the David Lynch projects Wild at Heart and Twin Peaks. On the flip side, Michael Beck, who plays Swan, was pegged as the break-out star of the film. People expected big things from him, and they might have gotten them had Beck not gone on to appear in the abysmal Olivia Newton John disco film Xanadu and the even more abysmal but infinitely more entertaining big-budget sci-flop Megaforce. After those two bombs, Beck's career was pretty much dead before it ever really began.

David Kelly is a member of a greaser gang called The Rogues. He decides, for no real reason, that he's going to shoot and kill Cyrus, which he does. In the ensuing madness (imagine stirring up shit on a playground full of 900 assorted gang members, some of them dressed up as mimes), Kelly manages to pin the blame for the shooting on Cleon, the leader of The Warriors. No one really knows what happened, but Kelly manages to start a fight that ends up with poor Cleon being pummeled by some Riffs as the cops descend on the place and 900 gang members scramble to get the hell out of there. We never do find out exactly what happens to Cleon, but we can safely bet that it wasn't too pretty.

Swan and the rest of the representatives from The Warriors high tail it through the scenic Woodlawn Cemetery to try and get back to their train without getting busted by the cops. At this point, they have no idea that Cyrus' death is being pinned on them. They also don't know if the truce is still on or not. When they find a gang of multi-racial skinheads standing between them and their train, they are able to figure out the thing about the truce.

Thus the premise for the film is established: The Warriors have to fight their back to Coney Island. Along the way, gang after freakish gang rumbles with them, all looking for the honor of being the gang that delivered The Warriors to the Riffs. The gangs start out pretty normal, but as the long night goes on, they get weirder and weirder. At first you have The Turnbull ACs (the skinhead guys). Then there's The Orphans, a no-name gang in The Bronx who are so low on the food chain that they didn't even get invited to the big meeting. And then, toward the end of the night, you start getting The Lizzies and The much-talked-about Baseball Furies, who of course, must be seen to be believed. They were actually played by the film's stunt crew.

Rumbles, track fires, and the insurmountable geography of New York City all add to the trouble. The Warriors also pick up an antagonistic tag-along woman after they take care of The Orphans. She is played by Deborah Van Valkenburgh, who would later appear in the decent Streets of Fire where Willem Dafoe wears garbage bag cover-alls, and the TV show Too Close For Comfort where Jim J. Bullock would act gay and Ted Knight would mumble and humph a lot and go "Munroe, have you been messing Cosmic Cow again?" Ummm, needless to say, The Warriors is her best work.

In fact, just about everyone is good. There are some wooden performances, but for the most part, this cast of unknowns and almost-were's delivers the goods in a believable way. Everyone from Swan down to the goofy looking leader of The Orphans is believable. The film also features James Remar as hot-headed Warrior Ajax. He's probably had the most consistent career, appearing in such films as Mortal Kombat II as Raydeen, the remake of Psycho, The Quest starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Band of the Hand (a personal favorite of mine, and one we should get to soon), and various other things. Look, I said he had a consistent career; I didn't say he was in good movies.

Director Walter Hill handles everything amazingly. The film is out-of-control enough to be exciting and fun, but it's restrained and subtle enough to make its point without being heavy-handed, and to be able to deliver some truly incredible scenes. He has exactly the right amount of violence, and he places it in exactly the right places. The fight with The Baseball Furies is great, and the fight in the Union Square subway station is even better. Hill would go on to make the excellent Southern Comfort a couple years later, and then hit the big time with 48 Hours. His career has sort of faltered in recent years, but making The Warriors is all he ever really had to do to win my admiration.

Michael Beck's acting is understated but powerful. It's a technique few people pull off well. Michael Beck and Clint Eastwood do it well. Chuck Norris does it poorly. I leave it up to you to determine the differences. Deborah Van Valkenburgh is also superb as the sassy trouble-maker who buries her pain and disappointment with life under a life of easy sex and violence. The supporting cast ranges from passable to excellent. Of course, I'm a big fan of The Lizzies, the all girl gang who tangle with some of The Warriors down in the East Village. And we all love The Baseball Furies. That's like liking Harpo Marx or Curly. It's simply a given, and you cannot fight it. I have to say, though, I'd be pretty happy get offed by The Lizzies. I'd feel like a real chump if the Baseball Furies kicked my ass, though.

One of the best scenes comes after a rumble in the Union Square subway station with a goofy gang of over-all wearing meatheads, not too far at all from where I used to live (to think I was probably just a few blocks down from The Lizzies ... sigh). Swan, Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh), and the other Warriors who have survived the night, are on the train when a group of giggling kids on their way home from the prom stumble onto the train. At first, the kids don't notice The Warriors and Mercy. Eventually, they catch on that a bad-ass, beat-up, bloody and exhausted street gang is sitting with them. The kids suddenly get quiet, and one of the guys does that nervous "hey man, what's up" nod and raising of the eyebrows.

Mercy looks at the girls in their formal wear, then at herself, wearing a torn-up old skirt and covered in dirt and grime from fighting and hiking down dirty subway tunnels. She moves to fix her hair, ashamed suddenly of her appearance, but Swan stops her. She closes her eyes, as if trying awake from a nightmare. At the next stop, the kids decide to go ahead and get off the train. When Mercy opens her eyes, they are gone.

One of the girls, however, drops her corsage on the way out. As The Warriors, ragged and bruised, finally reach Coney Island, Swan picks up the corsage and gives it to Mercy. It's a single tender moment in an otherwise relentlessly downbeat and brutal film. That alone makes the moment all the more powerful. I don't why it's my favorite scene in the whole movie, but it is.

When Swan and The Warriors finally make it back to Coney, the sun is just beginning to come up. It's the first daylight scene in the entire movie. originally, director Walter Hill shot an additional opening scene that took place during the day, but later removed it so that the entire would be one long, harrowing night, with the only daylight coming at the very end. A perfect decision, a moment of brilliance. Unfortunately, in the broadcast television version of the film, the scene is stuck back in to fill in time lost by cutting out some suggestive lesbian dancing that The Lizzies do during their part of the film. The flow of the film is only slightly hurt, but it's definitely much better with no light until they, quite literally, finally reach the end of the tunnel.

Of course, waiting at Coney for them are The Rogues, anxious to make sure The Warriors are dead. There's never really any explanation as to why David Patrick Kelly and The Rogues have it in for The Warriors. They just do. Maybe for no reason other than Cleon happened to be one of the first men at Cyrus' side, and thus was an easy target to point at. Maybe, like Cyrus' killing, it was just random.

Anyway, it gives David Patrick Kelly a chance to do the movie's most famous bit, as he sits in his car with bottles stuck on his fingers, clinking them together and chanting "Warriors, come out to play-yay!" over and over as The Warriors grab bottles and pipes for their one, last rumble.

Even worse than The Rogues, though, are The Riffs, who have also made the long trip down to Coney to settle a score.

There's some really amazing stuff in the final scene. Swan and Mercy stand on the dirty Coney Island beach, surrounded by trash and staring off at the ocean as the sun rises. "We fought all night to get back to this?" Swan says. "Maybe I'll just take off."

When Mercy says she'd like to come with him since she loves traveling.

"Where have you ever been?" Swan asks.

"I never been anywhere," she replies. "I just know I would like it."

Swan smiles. It's the first and only time he does it. Another great moment. It perfectly sums up the plight of the people in the film. Trapped in a prison from which there is often no escape. If you live here, you know how it can be, how difficult it can be to simply leave. I know people who have lived here and never been outside the burroughs. I know some who have been here and never even seen the world very far beyond their own little neighborhood. Their own piece of turf. There in lies the message of The Warriors, as summed up by Warrior member as he and the rest of the survivors watch the sun come up: "Cyrus was right. It's all there." Only Cyrus was talking about more than turf; he was talking about life. It's all there for the taking; you just have to reach out and take it.

The Warriors, quite simply, is a classic of the action genre, and a film that anyone who wants to be well-schooled in bad-ass cinema should check out. Most people, including critics, sell these films incredibly short. More times than not, films like The Warriors are more moving, more intelligent, and more important than any Oscar winner could ever hope to be. There is a grimy reality to the film, even when it's at its most fantastical. It's tense, nerve-wracking, and thoroughly engrossing. It's a perfect example of everything that can be right with an action film, and conversely, everything that is wrong with action films today.

It's driven by characters. The plot is simple enough: get back to Coney Island when every gang in the city is gunning for you. There are no special effects, no spectacular stunts (though there is plenty of fighting). The film rests entirely upon the shoulders of its cast of unknown,s and they deliver wonderfully, and without resorting to contrived, so-called "clever" dialogue. Which is not to say the film is stupid; it's simply realistic in its portrayal of humans. Character-driven action is something, sadly, of the past in this day of brainless, formulaic blockbusters filled with computer effects. The Warriors is about people. It revolves around these people. It's their job to make the movie good, to make it meaningful. And they do it.

Labels: ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Friday, October 03, 2003

Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion

1979, Taiwan. Starring Angela Mao Ying, Don Wong Tao, Man Kong Lung, Doris Lung, So Chan Ping, Kwong Ming, Tong Lik, Leung Kar Yan, Cheung Fong Ha, Show Lo Fai, Yuen Sum, Man Cheung San, Ho Kong, Jo Pu Lam, Mao Tak San, New Mei Mei, Ha Hau Chin. Directed by New Kwong Lam. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

When all is said and done, the plot of just about any movie can usually be summed up in one sentence. In a good movie, reducing the plot to a single-sentence synopsis, while possible, results in the potential viewer missing out on what actually makes the movie great. For example, you can strip Alfred Hitchcock's North by Northwest down to "A man is mistaken for another man and soon finds himself fighting for his life against mysterious agents." While accurate, the sentence hardly begins to encompass the various nuances and twists that make North by Northwest one of the best action-thrillers out there.

Although most plots can be similarly boiled down to their base element, few are the movies that actually outline the entire plot with the first two lines of dialogue. Fewer still are the movies where reducing the plot to a single sentence doesn't result in you missing out on at least something. But such is the case with Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion, a movie that lays out it's entire story when, in the first scene, an old kungfu master tells his young female student to go find the master's brother. That's it. What's truly astounding, however, is how a movie with such a simple plot can boast such convoluted storytelling. By the end of this whole martial arts mess, your head will be spinning with a whole lot of nothing, leaving you frustrated and more than just a bit disappointed.

A big part of what makes Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion so disappointing, besides the fact that it's more or less a study in never-ending tedium, is that it stars Angela Mao Ying, one of the all-time greats and one of the top five ass-kickingest female movie stars of all time (she sits atop the pile alongside Pam Grier, Claudia Jennings, Zeenat Aman, and Etsuko Shiomi). Along with women like Polly Shang Kuan, Mao was one of the first women to make a name for herself as a kungfu star after women like Cheng Pei-pei and Lily Li blazed the path in early swordsman films. Working frequently with Sammo Hung as a stunt and fight choreographer, Mao clawed her way tot eh top during the early 1970s with her combination of fists, feet, swords, and grace. She was none too hard on the eyes, either.

Angela Mao got her start in martial arts when she began training as a member of a Peking Opera troupe in 1958 after having already spent time training in ballet. That's a lot to do by the time your eight. By the time I was eight, I think I could ride a bike and melt an army man with a magnifying glass, but none of that was going to help me become a kungfu star. Also in the troupe was a young actor named James Tien, who should be a recognizable name and face to any old school kungfu film fan. Tien starred in hundreds of martial arts films, including Bruce Lee's Big Boss and Fist of Fury.

Mao got her first role in 1967, when Huang Feng cast her in his upcoming film Angry River. Huang Feng is also the guy who would give Sammo Hung and Carter Wong their big breaks, and the same magic worked with Angela. After a few movies, most notably The Fate of Lee Kahn directed by Taiwan's legendary King Hu, Mao caught the eye of some guy named Bruce Lee, who got her a short but memorable part as his character's sister in Enter the Dragon. Although she doesn't last long in that movie, seeing a woman on screen kicking some ass kungfu style was more than enough to get people interested in her.

She made a series of films alongside Carter Wong, a kungfu workhorse who has never gotten he credit he deserves (even after puffing himself up all big in Big Trouble in Little China, the best of which was When Taekwando Strikes, which also starred Korean martial arts master Jhoon Rhee. While working on the film Hapkido, she also developed a partnership with Sammo Hung, who would go on to choreograph several more of Mao's best films. With movies like Enter the Dragon, When Taekwando Strikes, the British-Hong Kong co-production Stoner (with George Lazenby!), and the brutally violent Broken Oath under her black belt, Angela Mao carved a place for herself in the kungfu star hall of fame.

But it's safe to bet that Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion didn't do much for building her reputation. It's not a good film, especially compared to some her other work. It has all the right elements: cool and esoteric kungfu styles, old masters, intrigue and treachery, Angela Mao and Don Wong Dao. Nothing comes together though, and the end result is a tiresome train wreck of a film that stretches ten minutes of story into a feature length film.

Mao stars as a young swordswoman who, as we now know, has to go find her master's brother, who has mysteriously disappeared. What follows is a full film's worth of Angela wandering around aimlessly in a village looking for this guy, while various kungfu factions attack her for no real reason. Don Wong Dao shows up from time to time to fight, and later assist Mao in her bland quest. Characters and factions are introduced with absolutely no development whatsoever. A character whose identity is obscured throughout the whole film is eventually revealed to be exactly who you think he is. People who act nice but seem like they might be hiding evil sides are indeed hiding evil sides. This movie is full of shady characters and mysteries, yet not a single one of them is in the least bit interesting.

As someone who considers himself not without a small degree of expertise regarding old kungfu films, I'm used to convoluted plots and films that throw so many characters at you that you need a flow chart and an Oracle database to keep track of them. Traditional Chinese storytelling has always been fond of tossing characters at you left and right, often with little explanation of where they came from and little explanation of where they go. Heck, the classic martial arts epic Water Margin has what? Well over a hundred main characters? The fact that people come and go with suddenness mimics real life well, but it also makes for some confusing storytelling. You get used to it after a while though, and with a little work and concentration, keeping most of the players straight and sorting out the threads of plot is not that difficult.

A story has to at least make you want to sort everything out, though. The Shaw Brothers classic Brave Archer has tons of characters and a story resembling a bowl of spaghetti, but the movie is so good that it's worth the effort to get it all straight. Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion instills in its sundry characters not a single interesting trait, making the job of sorting them out unrewarding, and ultimately darn near impossible since most of the characters exhibit no characteristic that sets them apart from any other character. It's just an assortment of guys in wigs stroking their fake goatees as Angela Mao walks from building to building. Although character development has made good kungfu films great (witness just about any Liu Chia-liang film), it's never been a necessity for making a good kungfu film good. You can get by without it so long as your movie delivers something interesting. Even static, one-dimensional characters can be interesting. No one watches Kungfu Zombie to see the dynamic evolution of Billy Chong's character. But Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion really pushes things too far. Not only are the characters bland to the point of insulting the adjective "bland," but the film doesn't give you anything else to make up for it.

You know when someone is trying to tell you a very simple joke or a story, and they keep pausing, having to retell one part, stammering, messing up, and generally aggravating you to the point where you want to throttle them and just scream, "Spit it out, man!" - that's what this movie is like. What should be a minute-long anecdote becomes twenty minutes of mind-numbing boredom that almost makes you break down and cry. Likewise, what should be a short film with a simple plot becomes stretched past the breaking point. An endless procession of dull scenes involve Angela Mao walking into someone's compound and asking them if they know where her teacher's brother is. They all say no, and as she walks away, the camera zooms in on whoever she was talking to, who will then stroke his goatee in a devious manner. It's about as subtle as a moustache-twirling villain in a black coat and top hat tying maidens to the train tracks.

And why do we care anyway? All we know is that some guy is missing. We don't know anything about him. Why would someone kidnap him? Why should we even care? When Angela Mao finally finds the old coot, the revelations about who is evil and why he's been kidnapped are hardly worth the pain the rest of the film has caused. The reasons for the kidnapping are events that don't even have anything else to do with the entire film! Geez, by this point I would have taken a revelation like, "Evil Ma killed your father!" even if no character named Evil Ma had been in the film up to that point, and then Evil Ma shows up out of nowhere for the final duel. But we don't even get anything like that. The rescue of the old man is sort of like getting all worked up about one of those firecracker champagne bottles only to pull the string and, instead of a pop and shower of confetti, the cardboard bottom just tears off and a wad of paper falls to the ground.

From time to time, a fight scene interrupts Mao's random questioning of beard-stroking guys. Often times, the fight breaks out because Angela just waltzes into a courtyard unannounced and starts swinging her sword at people until someone asks her to explain, then everything is okay. Maybe if she would announce her intentions before barging in and sticking blades in people, these fights wouldn't break out. Normally, you would want a fight to break out in a kungfu film. After all, that's what makes them kungfu films. But when you see the fights here, you'll realize with no small amount of anger that they are about as interesting and energetic as the scenes in which Angela Mao walks down the street to her next destination.

And just when you think things can't drag any more, the movie takes a break for a five-minute long fan dance sequence that boasts are the energy of an old man pouring molasses on a cold Dakota morning. The intricacies of the dance seem to hit their zenith when a woman at one end of a row walks slowly to the other end of the row and the evil master, obscured behind a curtain for no good reason since it's not like we give a rat's ass who he is, gets to laugh and stroke his goatee. This entire sequence drags so bad that time will actually reverse while you are watching it. Normally, the ability to reverse time is a good thing, but unfortunately it will only reverse time to a point earlier in the film, and you'll have to watch it all over again.

Mao is not a bad martial artist, but she needs a good choreographer. With one in place, the girl can shine like the sun, but without one, you'll wonder why she became such a star. Let's just say there was no Sammo Hung working on this film. The kungfu fights are just painful to watch, and not in a good way. People seem to move at half speed. Everything consists of "flail arms, tumble forward" type of choreography -- the sort of stuff that makes a Jimmy Wang Yu fight look complex. When things threaten to get halfway interesting, such as when Mao faces off with a female fighter and her exploding lotus-wielding minions, the sluggish, clumsy nature of the fights more than negates to esoteric novelty of a bunch of guys who, for some reason, have their screams dubbed by women (they don't scream like women - women are actually doing the screaming) as they hurl exploding plastic lotus blossoms at our heroine. Whoa re these people? Well, they're allied with one of the beard-strokers, but if anyone bothered to write out exactly what the alliances are in this film, they forgot to actually shoot those scenes.

The movie flirts with being almost watchable in a scene where Mao must negotiate a house of traps type fortress that is full of hidden swordsmen, balls of fire, flying saw blades, and stone lion statues that spit acid. Even with all that cool stuff, Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion still manages to be dull. Even Treasure of the Four Crowns showed more energy. The final fight scene is just as awful as everything else that came before it. The combatants move as if they are in slow motion. What the hell? Is everyone doing tai chi in this movie?

There's really nothing worth watching here. Angela Mao fans, of which I am a big one, will only mourn her participation in such a dreadfully uninspired and uninteresting movie. Likewise, people who are wondering what Angela Mao is all about certainly aren't going to be convinced of her greatness by Moonlight Sword and Jade Lion. If you are a student of taking one simple plot and stretching it out seventy minutes past its breaking point while, at the same time, trying to recount even the simplest fact in the most convoluted fashion imaginable, then maybe this movie is worth your while. For everyone else, this thing is just a failure on every level you can think of, and maybe even a few new ones that didn't occur to you until you had to do something like sit through that fan dance sequence. If anyone can drum even the slightest interest in anything that happens in this film, they are certainly more determined and forgiving than I am. I hate to write bad reviews, or at least to write bad reviews without finding something of value amid the garbage, but this movie just leaves me speechless when I try to dream up any redeeming quality. Angela had a couple nice outfits. I'm afraid that's the best I can do.

In Enter the Dragon, Angela Mao guts herself with a jagged shard of glass rather than suffer the villainy of her attackers when they corner her in an old dockside warehouse. I felt like doing the same thing to myself in order to escape this movie.

Labels: ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Friday, December 20, 2002

The Octagon

1980, United States. Starring Chuck Norris, Karen Carlson, Lee Van Cleef, Art Hindle, Carol Bagdasarian, Tadashi Yamashita, Kim Lankford, Larry D. Mann, Kurt Grayson, Richard Norton, Yuki Shimoda, Redmond Gleeson, Alan Chappuis, Brian Libby, Ken Gibbel. Directed by Eric Karson.

Chuck Norris - say the name. Don't fear it. Embrace Chuck Norris. Hold him in your arms like a dear, dear friend. Rub your palms gently over the wookie-thick pelt on his shoulders and chest. Then grimace as he delivers a devastating spin-kick to your head because you were in there feeling him up. Bruce Lee may have been able to yank out a handful of Chuck Norris chest hair and blow it in his face, but you, my friend, are no Bruce Lee.

For better or for worse Chuck Norris and his big bushy 1970s mustache will forever be the face of the American martial arts film. It's not because his films were any good so much as it is the simple fact that he was there and he never went away. Guys like Jim Kelly and Don Knotts simply faded into the background, while Van Damme and Steven Seagal were relegated to the rows of direct-to-video fare when audiences finally caught on that there was no real reason to be watching On Deadly Ground when you could watch Jackie Chan instead.

By all means, Norris should have joined one of these two groups by now, but like an agile cat, he manages to bend and twist and avoid the arrows, keeping himself just above the ranks of the fallen. Why? Part of it could simply be that he played his cards right. When the time came, he went to television and starting kicking ass in the name of the Republic of Texas. Part of it could be that he's basically a nice, mellow guy in real life while Van Damme and Seagal have raging egos and attitudes. I mean, Chuck is just this laid back cowboy who happens to be able to beat you within an inch of your life. It's sort of like getting your ass kicked by John Denver. You really can't help but like the man even if you don't like the movies. Part of it may be that Chuck never really aimed to be a superstar, and so his decline was less noticeable.

Most likely, it's all these things and more. There's just something cool about Chuck Norris. He's that country uncle who shows up at family reunions and seems kind of shy and nerdy until you catch him out back splitting logs with his bare hands as he mulls over an offer to endorse a brand of karate stretch jeans that will be advertised in Inside Kungfu for the next twenty years alongside the "Bruce Lee-style yellow track suit." He's aided greatly by the fact that he's not an asshole, not to mention the fact that he is also one of the true legitimate bad-asses in the world of martial arts movies. While Van Damme was learning to do dance moves and stretches, Chuck Norris was beating people senseless in the name of inner peace in a variety of national and international fighting tournaments. Both Bruce Lee and Sammo Hung have remarked that Norris has one of the most powerful spin-kicks in the world, and that his punches are no day at the beach either.

Norris got his start in movies thanks to Bruce Lee's many contacts in Hollywood, namely Dean Martin. Martin used Norris as a stunt extra for one of the Matt Helm movies before Norris really made an impact as the boss bad guy in Bruce Lee's classic Way of the Dragon. Their confrontation during the film's finale in the Roman Coliseum is one of the top screen fights in kungfu film history. Bruce wanted to work with Chuck Norris because, unlike most martial arts stars, he was adamant about casting real-life martial artists to fight n his film. Most filmmakers were happy with dancers, gymnasts, or people who could just wave their arms wildly at the camera and tumble around. When Lee got a chance to direct a film, one of the first things he did was set about hiring the best martial artists he could afford. For the film's biggest fight, he turned to Chuck Norris.

After making such an impact in that film, where audiences around the globe were wowed by his intense fighting style and abundance of body hair, it was no surprise that people started thinking about casting him in larger roles. His first was as the head heavy in Yellow Faced Tiger, released in the United States as Slaughter in San Francisco. What that role had in common with his role in Way of the Dragon was that it was a Hong Kong film that didn't really require more from Chuck than kicking some ass. His lines can be summed up pretty much as the following: "Hmmm," "Arrrr," and of course, "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

When Chuck finally got to start speaking his own language (or any language at all beyond primal grunts and evil laughter), people found that he wasn't really that great an actor. What did they expect? It's not like he was actor. How good at karate are your average actors? Luckily, scripts rarely demanded more from Chuck than his poor man's Clint Eastwood, and when they did, he was wooden but certainly not the worst performer in the world. Not that it mattered. People weren't lining up to see Force of One in hopes of catching some really heart-wrenching scenes of Chuck Norris emoting all over the place. They were, however, hoping for heart-wrenching scenes in the most literal sense. In that category, Norris always delivered. Throughout the 1970s, Norris' fame and onscreen body count grew rapidly. His specialty was the "man of peace driven to extreme measures by evil people," his days as a cackling villain long behind him. Norris' characters were always noble, humble, and generally found of cowboy garb.

Folks liked Chuck Norris movies because they identified with him. He was just this normal looking guy: not all that handsome, not all that muscular, but possessed of intense inner strength matched by fists that could shatter brick and bone. He was always the moralist, always the straight guy, always the hero at a time when antiheroes were all the rage. Sure, he butted heads with the higher-ups and rattled a few cages, but that's because there was so much corruption around him. He was just as likely to put cowboy boot to ass on a corrupt politician or police chief as he was coke dealer or robber-baron. While there was no shortage of tough-as-nails heroes for the urban crowd, Norris was one of the few guys out there dealing double-fisted beat-downs in the name of all the rural, small-town guys who talked softly and wore bootcut jeans. He was Billy Jack without the endless scenes of improvisational theater and explanations of the alternative hippie school.

The one problem aside from his limited acting range was the limited writing range of whoever was dreaming up those movies. Pretty much every one of them entails Chuck beating up a bunch of small-town thugs or international drug lords employing small-town thugs. Rarely did he face off against other martial artists, which I guess is realistic (how many fights have you seen that bust out into fully choreographed kungfu fights?) but not all that interesting to watch. Uneven pacing and cliché scripts only helped to muddy the waters, keeping most of Chuck's films in the "not good but still enjoyable" range until the 1990s, when he dropped the "but still enjoyable" aspect of his work.

In 1980, Chuck Norris made a little film that used what was then a little-known but increasingly popular martial arts legend. The legend was the Ninja, and the movie was The Octagon.

The ninja trend would really start rolling a year later with the release of Cannon Films' Enter the Ninja, but Norris beat everyone to the spinning punch when he incorporated the mask-wearing shadow warriors into this not altogether bad little martial arts adventure. Norris plays Scott James - an action hero who has a normal name instead of being named something like "Derek Ice" or "Maximilian Scorpio, Esquire." Scott's just your average Southwestern dude who happens to have a secret Ninja past and a Ninja brother who wants to kill him some day. Scott also has a tendency to allow his thoughts to be broadcast as echoing whispers throughout the entire movie, which gets pretty annoying after about, oh let's say the first time it happens. Call it personal preference, but I really hate the whole "echoing voice-over" thought-bubble thing. It just seems goofy to me, and I can't stand that they always have to make it a whisper. Scott never thinks in a normal voice, just like all those people in Dune thought to themselves in whispers. I tend to think to myself in Patrick Stewart's voice, all booming and commanding. But then I talk, and I sound more like Jerry Lewis.

Scott gets tangled up with a militia that trains potential terrorists using Ninja techniques. Watching these would-be thugs get their ninja training reminded me of the year Phillip Holder moved to Gainesville and amused us all with his self-aggrandizing flyers stapled up all over town. Anyone who has ever picked up a copy of Inside Kungfu is no doubt familiar not only with Chuck Norris brand karate jeans (with increased stretchability for when you need to kick a trucker in the head while still lookin' good and not ripping the seat of your pants), but also with (self-proclaimed) Grand Master Phillip Holder, who peppered the magazine with ads hocking his instructional videos. When he moved his global training center to Gainesville, Florida, he put signs up everywhere looking for students who wanted to be trained by "the world's third deadliest man." No one ever explained that title to me. I guess there is some international governing body that hands out "deadliest man" rankings, but that still doesn't explain the exact nature of Holder's claim. Is he the third man to hold the title "world's deadliest man," or is that in the race to be the world's deadliest man, there are two men in the world deadlier than Phillip Holder?

Anyway, he crossed over into Octagon territory when he opened a summer camp for "Bodyguard and Ninjitsu Training." I have no doubt that Phillip Holder could hand me my ass on a silver platter, just as I have no doubt that the few beer-swilling, Joe Don Baker looking good ol' boys who attended the Grand Master's ninja summer camp could kick my ass in less time than it would take them to down a can of Red Dog, but let's face it: being able to kick my ass doesn't exactly qualify you for Grand Master status or serve as a major stepping stone on your way to becoming a ninja.

I'm guessing that alumnus of the Phillip Holder Ninja Camp (or "Kamp" if you are funny) were about the same as the people graduating from this Octagon thing, meaning they're the type of gang who would get their ass kicked by a single well-trained individual.

But Norris is a man of peace, and he doesn't just haul off and kick someone's ass without dragging the decision out for the first two-thirds of the film. Luckily, people keep trying to kill him for no real reason, so he does get to fight a lot in between echoing voice-over thought whispers of him going, "Sakura, could it be you?" as he contemplates the possibility that his old ninja brother is the man behind the terrorist ninja camp. Speaking of terrorist camps, here's a question I've had on my mind since I first saw all that footage of Al Quaeda training facilities with the guys scrambling over ramps and stuff: why do terrorists need to know how to perform well on gymborees? Honestly, I think whenever Osama bin Laden couldn't think of anything more destructive for his thugs to do, he'd just send them out to jump over the bars and swing on the ropes. Are they planning on taking down America by challenging us to a footrace through an obstacle course? Or are they training to win that Gymkata game?

One of the women at the terrorist training camp decides this is all a little much, and makes a hasty retreat, eventually coming into contact with Scott (Norris), who has been busy playing games with some rich chick while his best friend grumbles and Lee Van Cleef drifts in and out of the film in an attempt to spur Chuck's character to action or possibly just collect a paycheck. You'd say that Van Cleef was slumming it in b-movie action realm if his filmography wasn't so full of shame. Given that he would later go on to star in the abysmal Master Ninja television series, it's safe to say that this movie is the pinnacle of all things Lee Van Cleef has done involving ninjas.

Eventually, the reformed terrorist chick shows her boobs to Chuck Norris and he finally gets off his peace-lovin' ass track down Sakura's ninja camp. The terrorist chick shoots stuff, Lee Van Cleef gets to blow things up, and Chuck Norris has to fight his way through a maze filled with ninja henchmen before facing off against the final ninja henchman (who insists on wearing an elaborate get-up and metal mask even though the training facility is in the middle of the desert in Mexico) and, ultimately, his estranged blood brother.

The Octagon takes a lot of flack for "looking dated," which has never hit me as an especially meaningful criticism. It's what people say who can't remember back more than three years. It's not Chuck's fault that fashion in the late 1970s was so abysmal. Luckily for him, cowboy fashion has been the same pretty much since the 1800's, so at least he isn't strutting around in all those plaid flares Sonny Chiba had a tendency to don. That a film looks dated really doesn't bother me or register, most likely because I've been watching film so closely for so long now that I've simply learned to disregard certain trivial things that other people seem to get hung up on. Besides, there's plenty of stuff to complain about in The Octagon without having to dwell on the khaki pantsuits and things like that.

First, of course, there's that damn whispering. I go to bed at night, and I hear Chuck Norris whispering in the wind. I'm thinking of recording all his weird echoing whispers and playing them at random intervals during subway rides around town. That would at least afford me some small amount of satisfaction for having to hear ol'Chuck's whisper-thought so much. It seems weird to have to yell "Shut up!" at a guy who isn't actually saying anything. Watching The Octagon is a simulation of what it must feel like to have ESP.

Coming out when it did, The Octagon is basically a 1970s action film with a 1980 release date. As such, it suffers from many of that era's shortcomings, which are actually many of the same things that endeared the movies to me. It's needlessly arty in some places, amateurishly crude in others. Flashbacks have a freaky tint to them, and many of the nighttime scenes are poorly lit (or at least poorly transferred from the original negatives). The pacing is also pretty uneven. When there's action a-brewin', it's generally pretty good, but when it comes down to scenes of Chuck Norris engaging in witty banter with Lee Van Cleef or the rich lady, things just grind to a halt. Luckily, the final third of the film dispenses with the dialogue altogether save for the occasional shout of "Sakura!!!" and just makes with the martial arts mayhem.

I also don't begrudge Chuck Norris the chance to have a cute girl get naked for him during the film's one short love scene. Given the chance, I'm sure most of us would write ourselves a script that involved some attractive young gal rubbing her boobs against us, or some strapping young cabana boy giving us a cocoa butter rub-down if we happen to be female and not into other women rubbing their boobs against us. But understandable or not, I'm not so into seeing Chuck Norris' carpetlike chest stroked lovingly like someone might pet a furry dog or a sasquatch. I mean, you slide your fingers into that jungle, and there's a chance some of them won't come back out.

Action, of course, is what we're here for, and when the movie shuts up long enough, it delivers some solid martial arts fun. Sure, we're not talking Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao, but as far as American martial arts films go, The Octagon has better than average fight scenes. Norris is in good form and this movie has the wisdom to pit him against other martial artists rather than fist-swinging country lugs. While the choreography isn't mind-blowing, it's definitely solid and even believable for the most part. Sakura is played by Japanese karate movie mainstay Tadashi Yamashita, and Richard Norton shows up as a thug, so this movie isn't devoid of martial arts talent. For the most part, fights are well done. I'm sure fans of the wild wire-fu and undercranked nonsense will find the fights sluggish, but since I enjoy the old school even if it's slower and doesn't fly through the treetops, I thought The Octagon's martial arts were pretty enjoyable.

As for the ninjas, I'm not quite sure what their deal was. I know that ninja popularity was on the rise as this film was being completed, but none of the ninjas in the movie do anything particularly ninjalike. Sure, they sneak into houses and try to strangle Chuck Norris, but there's no real reason to do masks and cloaks for that. Well, masks maybe, but you don't exactly blend in with the surroundings running around your average Southwestern city in a ninja uniform and cloak. They don't seem to be teaching their students very much, either. Sakura and his sai-weilding ninja right hand man kick dirt at people and do that thing where you teach them a lesson by beating them up, but none of their pupils seems especially accomplished at any point. I wonder if Sakura and his masked pal didn't go back home after a day of watching the recruits screw up and bemoan the sorry state of ninjitsu students these days.

Additionally, if the entire idea behind the art of ninjitsu is that you blend in to your surroundings, why would a bunch of Japanese ninjas build their camp in Mexico then strut around the local barrio in their ninja outfits? Mexico is a pretty laid back place, but even the most stereotypical Mexican peasant would be stirred from his siesta by a troupe of ninjas marching down the street. Maybe Sakura just passes his men off as some Cirque du Soliel type of thing.

On the acting front - well, you get what you pay for. That Chuck Norris has never been nominated for a "Best Actor" Oscar is no travesty of justice, and he proves that here. He's not bad, per se, but he is stiff. He gives it the ol' college try, and he's better than a lot of the other actors in the genre. Lee Van Cleef is there to pay some bills, but he turns in a decent performance, though half the time exactly what he's even doing is a bit unclear. Yamashida is all action, few words, as is Norton. The rest of the cast - well, let's leave it at the fact that there's a good reason you've probably never heard of most of them before or after this film.

Problems aside, The Octagon really isn't such a bad film. It was the first out of the ninja gate, even if Enter the Ninja was more popular, so it gets points for being historically important in that regard (or however historically important low-budget B-movie action films can be). It's certainly better than vast many ninja films that would be released throughout the 1980s, sitting at the top of the heap alongside the likes of Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and Pray for Death. Granted, that's not an especially tall heap, but it's better than nothing.

If you're looking for wild ninja action and people disappearing into puffs of purple smoke, your better off with a film like Ninja Hunters. If, however, you appreciate decent low-budget 1970s action films, The Octagon has a lot of fun to offer despite the stop and go pacing and low production values. I'm much happier with a low key film like this than I am overblown, special effects laden crap like we see today. Call me a cranky old redneck with no taste, but I'd much rather see Chuck Norris beating up ninjas in some sandy courtyard than I would ever watch Jet Li do cgi-fu and "bullet time" effects.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 3 Comments