film    print    sound    leisure    forum
company line »

shopping guide »

contact us »

get reviewed »

get published »

expand yourself »


find it »

Teleport City search allows you to search our entire site as well as our favorite sites about cult films, obscure music, literature, and swank living.


film home | a-b | c-d | e-f | g-h | i-l | m-n | o-q | r-s | t-v | w-z

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Diamonds of Kilimandjaro

Release Year: 1983
Country: France/Spain/maybe Germany?
Starring: Katja Bienert, Antonio Mayans, Aline Mess, Albino Graziani, Javier Maiza, Olivier Mathot, Ana Stern, Daniel White, Lina Romay.
Writer: Jess Franco and Olivier Mathot
Director: Jess Franco
Cinematographer: Jess Franco
Music: Jess Franco and Daniel White
Original Title: El Tesoro de la Diosa Blanca
Availability: Buy it from Amazon


The phrase "Jess Franco at his worst" is something that should strike fear in the hearts of even the stoutest of cult film aficionados, to say nothing of the mainstream masses who go about their daily lives in blissful ignorance of the sundry celluloid abominations lurking in the dank, shadowy alleys of the cinematic landscape. Even at his best, Jess Franco manages to illicit negative reactions (to put it politely) to his work from the vast majority of viewers. And Jess Franco at his worst? The sane mind dare not even imagine what such a beast would look like! I, as has been stated elsewhere, am a fan of Jess Franco, and a pretty big fan at that. And as a fan of Franco, I recognize that often times the dank, shadowy alley leads to the secret door that opens up into a magical psychedelic jazz strip club decorated with garish pop art excess and populated by the bizarre and decadent fringes of lunatic society.

I freely admit that, for one not predisposed toward Franco's peculiar predilections and directorial quirks, his films can be inaccessible and rather impenetrable -- which I guess is my way of skirting around calling them boring and incompetent. As for myself, my appreciation of Franco and of the Franco aesthetic has grown over the years, aged like a fine wine, until I have reached the point where I positively adore his warped creations. If I could have any filmmaker's career, I would most likely end up picking Jess Franco. If nothing else, imagine the sheer number of bizarre stories he must have amassed over the decades of his long career as a cult filmmaker on the fringe.


Franco himself probably could have picked the film career of any other filmmaker to be his own, but he eventually picked Jess Franco as well. He was not always the maverick nutjob over-indulging in his own obsessions. There was a time, however brief and long ago, that Franco flirted with mainstream acceptability and garnered praise and work from more established and well-respected members of the cinematic industry. But every time the choice was presented to him: play the game and be accepted or play by your own rules and remain on the fringe, Franco took the fringe route. You can chalk this up to whatever you want: dedication to a personal vision, artistic madness, or the inability to make a sound business decision. It's probably all three, and then some. Whatever the case, Franco become a filmmaker so prolific and so committed to his own idiosyncrasies that at some point he may very well have stopped making movies in specific genres and became a genre unto himself.

If you know Jess Franco, then you know what I mean when I say "a Jess Franco film." You know that there are tropes and themes that run through most all of his films regardless of whether they are horror, science fiction, espionage, sexploitation -- all other labels applied to his films are secondary to that of "a Jess Franco film." And at times, not only is Jess Franco a genre unto himself, but his films attain such lofty levels of bizarreness that they perhaps stop being movies at all and become some entirely new and incomprehensible type of art. Or maybe he's just bad at what he does. Whatever the case, and probably because Franco and I seem to share a lot of common interests, fetishes, and obsessions, I have grown to look upon his body of work with considerable fondness and respect.


And I am not alone. As more and more of his films find their way to DVD in uncut and properly presented formats, Franco's fanbase is growing. However, even among his fans, the jungle adventure Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (their spelling, not mine) gets very little love. Even those with a tremendous talent for digesting Franco seem to regard Diamonds of Kilimandjaro and it's follow-up, Golden Temple Amazons, as among the very worst films Franco ever made. And while "Jess Franco at his worst" is more than enough to keep most people away (hell, "Jess Franco" alone is enough to keep most people away), that phrase is, in turn, more than enough to make me think, "Man, this I gotta see!"

So with my love of Franco in general established, let me further say that I also have a weakness for jungle adventure movies. Some of the earliest films I remember seeing were the old Tarzan movies starring Johnny Weissmuller, and between those and all the Poverty Row b-movie adventures about jungle goddesses that filled Matinee at the Bijou when I was a kid, plus a dollop of old pulp stories when I could find them, I knew that jungles were full of crocodile wrestling, hot chicks in loin cloths, lost treasure, ancient crumbling cities carved into the sides of cliffs, and oblivious British professor types in pith helmets explaining some anthropological point as they puff on a pipe and fail to realize that they are slowly sinking in quicksand. And men of adventure -- men like me -- would stride through those leafy quagmires with a machete in one hand, a colonial rifle in the other, and harvest glorious tales of adventure and romance. Yes sir, that was the life for me. And even though I'm in my thirties now, I still haven't let go of the dream that one day I'll be living that kind of life. The closest I can get is the jungle adventure film, all full of the good stuff I just mentioned, and usually even fuller of scenes consisting of the stars pointing at something off camera, followed by a cut to grainy stock footage of an elephant or a rhino or something.


So that brings us to Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, an old fashioned jungle adventure film as directed by Jess Franco and produced by Eurocine Studios in France. Man, for a guy like me, it just keeps getting better! Eurocine was infamous for being the production house that looked at the very cheapest, laziest, and sleaziest of European exploitation films and felt that they could do it even cheaper, lazier, and sleazier. In fact, "Cheaper, Lazier, and Sleazier" might have been their corporate mission statement, and as far as I can tell, they always lived up to it. You knew that with any Eurocine production, you were going to get a plot that had been written on the back of a used napkin five minutes before filming started. You knew you would get stars with no interest in acting in the movie. You knew you would get a director who was considered to be the worst by most people but was still working beneath himself when working for Eurocine. And perhaps most defining of all, you knew you were going to get a whole lot of nudity. I've always wanted to research and write two film books. One would be a history of exploitation filmmaking in Florida, when folks like David Friedman, HG Lewis, and Doris Wishman were running wild and setting gorillas loose in nudist colonies. The other would be a history of Eurocine, driven by personal anecdotes from the people who worked for and with them. It must have been insane, and any book on the subject would be a tome of ultra-cheap filmmaking techniques and hilarious personal accounts. Sounds like a job for Tim Lucas and Pete Toombs!

Among cult film fans, Eurocine's best-known production is probably Zombie Lake, a film of staggering incompetence directed by one of my favorite directors, Jean Rollin, after another of my favorite directors (Jess Franco) turned it down because the movie was just too cheap and crappy. Too cheap and crappy for Jess Franco, huh? Truly, it boggles the mind. But Franco wouldn't get through a lifetime career in exploitation films without doing some work for Eurocine. Diamonds of Kilimandjaro and Golden Temple Amazons were two of the movies Franco apparently didn't think were as cheap and shoddy and ill-conceived as Zombie Lake. And while even Franco fans seem to hate both films, I have to admit that, well, just like Zombie Lake, I kinda like them. Actually, I more than kinda like them.


Diamonds of Kilimandjaro is basically the end product of someone at Eurocine getting stoned and proposing a movie probably with the description, "It'd be like Tarzan, but with tits!" And from what I can tell, that's about as far as you had to go with concepts and pitches at Eurocine. All that's left to do is call Jess Franco and tell him to have the film done in a week or two. Diamonds of Kilimandjaro begins with a plane crash, as all good Tarzan rip-offs do. The only survivors are a caricature of a Scotsman and his daughter, Diana, who grows up to be German sexploitation actress Katja Bienert. For some reason, the natives who find them decide to worship the Scotsman as a god, even though they already seem to know what white people are and thus shouldn't really be so enraptured when one of them drops by wearing a knit cap and kilt. Years later, an expedition to the jungle results in an explorer running into Diana, who has an aversion to wearing tops -- an affliction all women in this movie seem to have. When she frees him after the others want to put him to death for trying to take sacred diamonds from the jungle (actually, it's a small chunk of amethyst), the explorer returns to civilization and reports to the dying matron Hermine (Lina Romay in heavy old-person make-up) that her daughter is still alive. Hermine then commissions an expedition to find the child and return her to civilized society.

So begins the adventures of one of the worst-equipped jungle expeditions of all time. Two of the guys (Albino Graziani as the dickish but ultimately moral Fred, and Antonio Mayans as the friendly but ultimately immoral Al) at least spring for proper jungle attire, or as proper as dungarees and t-shirts can be. But the other guy, Diana's drunkard uncle or something, played by Olivier Mathot, shows up wearing his finest flared slacks and loafers. Still, that's nothing compared to his wife, Lita (played by Mari Carmen Nieto, aka Ana Stern), who shows up for their jungle adventure wearing the same tank top, denim cut-off hot pants, and high-heeled, hot pink 1980s scrunchy boots that she would later wear in Jess Franco's Mansion of the Living Dead. Seriously, someone needed to get this woman one of those old Banana Republic catalogs, from back when the catalogs were digest sized and printed on thick brown paper, and all the clothes were safari and adventure themed, with lots of tales about rum and gauchos and jungle expeditions thrown in for good measure. Lucky for all involved, Lita's questionable taste in rain forest hiking attire will not be much of an issue, as she spends much of the movie naked.


In fact, if you are going to like Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, you are going to have to really like two things: naked women and random shots of jungle foliage, because that's about all this movie is comprised of. In fact, they should have just titled it Tits and Foliage, because it's not like I wouldn't watch a movie called Tits and Foliage. In fact, I'd probably be more likely to watch Tits and Foliage than something called Diamonds of Kilimandjaro. Plus, the movie is full of tits and foliage, but there are no diamonds, and there is no Kilimandjaro. For like 89 minutes this is a movie about a group of dumb people trying to find a naked white chick in the jungle while a naked black chick in the jungle throws spears at them. And then in the last minute, some Scotsman in a hut stammers, "You are here to steal the treasure!" Huh? Treasure? What treasure? What the hell is anyone in this movie talking about?

If you asked me if I like this movie, the answer would be an enthusiastic "yes!" If you asked me why I liked this movie, I would sort of shuffle and mumble and get all awkward like a little kid who has just been asked what the teacher just said after being caught not paying attention. Certainly, there are very few, if any, artistic merits about Diamonds of Kilimandjaro. Most of the signature Jess Franco flourishes are absent. There's no jazzy psychedelic score. There's no ultra-cool pop art nightclub. There's no interesting cinematography or direction. Jess pretty much sits the camera in the jungle (or a Spanish stand-in for a jungle) and lets stuff happen in front of it. If the movie is short on running time, no problem. He'll just shoot fifteen seconds worth of random palm fronds and jungle scrub to pad things out. Still short on time? Might as well use some of that stock rhino footage Eurocine found lying around in a warehouse somewhere. It's obvious that Franco was as bored making this movie as most people are watching it. And yet, I really like the movie. Is it the threadbare plot? Is it the bored acting? The listless direction? The plodding pace? I can't say for sure, but something about this movie delighted me. I guess, Like I said before, I'm just a sucker for jungle movies, especially when they feature an adventurer in high-heeled, hot pink 1980s scrunchy boots.


Lead actress Katja Bienert has little to do beyond walk around the jungle naked. When she is given more than that to do -- swinging from a vine, for example, the results are usually pretty good evidence for why she wasn't given much to do beyond walking around the jungle naked. She sort of flails around on the vine for a second and is obviously about to fall right before Franco cuts away and dubs in a war cry that sounds more like, well, the sound you make when you are about to fall. I don't think even Tarzan himself would have seemed as cool if his war cry had been, "Whoops!" Bienert looks good in a loin cloth, of course, and she worked with Franco a number of times before and after this film, including Eugenie, Lillian the Perverted Virgin, and one I absolutely must see, Linda -- aka Naked Super Witches of the Rio Amore. In fact, as late as 2002, she was still working with Franco, appearing in Killer Barbys vs. Dracula, as well as doing a fair amount of work on German television shows. As you might guess from the titles that make up the body of her work, she hasn't exactly achieved an air of respectability, but then, neither has Teleport City, and I'd probably be much happier hanging out with Katja Bienert than I would with Meryl Streep or the Dali Lama. Sorry, Your Holiness, but I'm bailing on you to hang out with a German sex film star, because that's the kind of awesome guy I am. Katja spends the bulk of Diamonds of Kilimandjaro looking vaguely confused and amused, which is nice because that's how I spent the bulk of Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, too.

Albino Graziani is another Franco regular. In fact, I don't think he ever worked with anyone but Franco. He stars here as Fred, vying for Alpha Male status on the expedition with the less boisterous Antonio Mayans. But while Fred spends all his time carrying around a gun and shouting, Mayans is busy laying every female he sees, including Lita and, eventually, Diana herself. If there's anything close to a complex character in this film -- and there really isn't, to be honest -- it's Fred, who reacts with disgust when he learns that there is more to this expedition than he was initially told. It turns out that Lita and boozy uncle whatever his name was are intent on making sure Diana never returns to civilization, lest they lose out on their inheritance. Al himself eventually has a crisis of conscience as well but ultimately sacrifices principal in order to steal the diamonds that are actually amethyst. Pretty much all of his character development takes place in the span of thirty seconds, which is convenient if you lead an active lifestyle and don't have a lot of time to spend watching some dude with a beard discover himself and ultimately succumb to temptation and greed.


Actually, one of my favorite things about the Eurocine films I've seen is that they all try to throw in some deep, important message amid all the gratuitous scenes of naked jungle chicks and skinny dippers. Diamonds of Kilimandjaro has the moral conflict between Fred and Al. It has the moral conflict between the primitive and civilized. It has the moral conflict over whether it is right to take Diana from the jungle if she does not want to leave -- would she even know if she wanted to leave? And it throws in an angry, frighteningly hot black chick (Aline Mess, also in the jungle adventure Devil Hunter with Al Cliver and possessed of the most alluring bloodthirsty snarl I've seen in a while) who knows these white fools are no gods and have only come to plunder her land. Mess seems to relish her role, and if there's anyone to watch this movie for, it's her. She spends the entire thing running naked through the jungle, beheading obnoxious jackasses with unbridled glee, doing sexy ritual dances, and throwing spears at irritating people. You could be offended by the stereotypical portrayal of blacks as primitive and superstitious, but I look at her behavior and think, "Man, what's not to love about this girl?" Plus, she's like the only one who isn't falling for the "white man from sky is god!" shtick.

Oh, and there's the moral trickiness of a father who hangs out with his naked daughter in the jungle all day, but the film seems unconcerned with that one. It is European, after all. But the script, penned by Franco and Olivier Mathot in a writing session that probably lasted twenty minutes, crams all these "big ideas" in with no real thought. Not that Diamonds of Kilimandjaro is deep or meaningful in any way. Hell, I'm like one of maybe three people in the entire world who love this film, and even I wouldn't try to sell that claim. It's like something I would have written when I was twelve and all hopped up on jungle adventure movies and copies of Penthouse than my friend's dad had hidden in their utility closet.

Franco at his worst? I don't really think so. Diamonds of Kilimandjaro is certainly not Franco at his best, but I really thought this goofy mess of a film was kind of fun. I can't justify it, and don't feel like I even need to. I certainly wouldn't promise you that you will like it as much as I did. But I did like Diamonds of Kilimandjaro. It really is a throwback to old style adventure films, only without much adventure and with more nudity. It has nothing to do with the better known Italian jungle films of the 80s, all of which were gory, serious cannibal movies. Compared to those, and even with the near-constant gratuitous nudity, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro is sort of this dumb, innocent old-fashioned movie. It has a charm for me I can neither explain nor deny. It's pure, idiotic cheesecake, and then it attempts to cram complex thematic elements in between the scenes of Ana Stern skinny dipping and Ana Stern getting laid and Ana Stern wearing her high-heeled, hot pink 1980s scrunchy boots, and Katja Bienert topless and falling out of trees. I admire that.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 2 Comments


Monday, November 26, 2007

Throne of Fire

Release Year: 1983
Country: Italy
Starring: Sabrina Siani, Pietro Torrisi, Harrison Muller Jr., Beni Cardoso, Peter Caine, Dan Collins, Stefano Abbati, Roberto Lattanzio, Isarco Ravaioli, Amedeo Leonardi, Gianlorenzo Bernini.
Writer: Giuseppe Buricchi and Nino Marino
Director: Franco Prosperi
Cinematographer: Guglielmo Mancori
Producer: Ettore Spagnuolo
Original Title: Il Trono di fuoco
Availability: Buy it from Luminous Film and Video Wurks


At my age, and with my experience, I shouldn't fall for it. And yet, on occasion, I'm still taken in by cool posters and cover art. At these times, I actually leave my body and hover above myself, screaming warnings but powerless to prevent my corporeal self from plunking down a wad of cash on a movie that has a cool looking cover. "You fool! You know the movie isn't going to be anything like the cover!" my spirit cries, but alas his words are unable to prevent the transaction. And so it is I end up owning movies like Throne of Fire, a dreary, slow-moving, largely uninteresting Italian sword and sorcery film with a cover that featured an illustration of a big-breasted nude chick swinging around a sword and wearing a little metal thong. "This looks pretty good," I said to myself, even as my other disembodied self was shouting, "Dude, seriously! That chick probably never even shows up in the movie! Didn't you learn anything from the cover of Hot Potato???"

Well, I didn't, and true enough, Throne of Fire never features a sexy, naked Valkyrie type chick swinging around a sword. In fact, it's the rare sword and sorcery film that doesn't feature any toplessness at all. The whole thing plays out more like a really bad throwback to 1960s peplum than it does a 1980s sword and sorcery film. Once again, the jazzy, saucy poster art lured me in and let me down. And once again, I learned nothing from the transaction. I'd do it again, I tell ya! I'd do it again! Ha ha ha!


What Throne of Fire lacks in sexy, naked Valkyrie type chicks swinging around a sword it makes up for with plentiful scenes of people sitting around in poorly lit throne rooms discussing events that would be more interesting if they were actually happening on screen instead of just being described to us by bored Italians. Keep in mind that my capacity for liking even the absolute worst of 1980s sword and sorcery films is legendary. I like Barbarians. I like Conquest. For crying out loud, I like Hawk the Slayer and Archer: Fugitive from the Empire! Right now, I'm sitting here and thinking about how I want to watch one of the Ator movies -- and possibly all of them!!! And that seems like a good idea to me, and it's not something I haven't done before. This past weekend, Krull was on TV, and not only did I watch it, but I also watched it when they did the late-night replay -- and I already own that shit on DVD, man! So for a sword and sorcery movie not to get my easy-going seal of approval really has to mean something, I think. Throne of Fire is a bad movie. Not Yor, the Hunter from the Future bad, which is awesome, but regular old boring "is this asshole still explaining the plot to us?" bad.

Taken at face value, the description of Throne of Fire's plot is as deceptively enticing as the lurid artwork. Satan wants a son so he can plunge the world into darkness, but instead of siring the kid on his own, he sends his messenger. When he becomes a man, the son of...well, the son of Satan's messenger will sit upon the throne of fire, thereby giving him power to -- honestly, I'm not sure, but it probably has something to do with more plunging the world into darkness type of business. Only a hero pure of heart and clad in naught but a loincloth and leather bicep tassels can stop the evil one's dastardly plan. Also, only the rightful heir can sit in the throne of fire without being set ablaze (something you'd think wouldn't bother the son of Satan, but since this is the son of Satan's errand boy, I guess it's important), so Satan's ward must also kill the proper king and marry that king's daughter. In time, you will learn that setting people on fire when they sit on it without permission is the sole power of the throne.


But really, I mean that doesn't sound so bad, right? Aside from the fact that Satan is too lazy to sire his own son. But then, I guess technically God didn't do the deed with Mary, so he didn't sire his own son, either. Seriously, you Christian gods and demons need to take a page out of Zeus' pick-up artist manual. Now there was a god who knew how to sow his seed. That cat could hardly find time to hurl his mighty thunderbolts, so busy was he getting busy and seducing fair maidens by appearing to them as a shimmering mist of impregnation or a horny silver-furred pygmy marmoset waving its hands wildly and yelling, "I'm king of the gods, baby!" I guess Satan was too busy tempting the souls of good men and pressing Slayer CDs to find time to bang some homely chick in a crappy Italian sword and sorcery film.

Anyway, with a plot like the one possessed by Throne of Fire, you figure you're going to get some random scenes of villages being pillaged, and an old man or woman will probably talk rapturously about how the hero has come to fulfill the prophecy, and then since this is the devil's adopted son we're talking about, there will probably be scenes of sweating people being tortured, and there will be an orgy. Hell, that could be the entire plot, with the finale consisting of a plodding sword fight and probably some crudely animated magical ray beam effects. And you know what? I'd be pretty satisfied. But even in the admittedly modest realm of being "at least as good as Iron Warrior," Throne of Fire fails miserably. And while it does have the prophecy, the torture chamber, and random scenes of pillaging, there is no orgy (Seriously? The son of Satan isn't going to have an orgy? He isn't even going to litter his throne room with scantily clad maidens? Lame, son of Satan, lame!), and even the stuff that is present is so unimaginatively staged and so lacking in energy that it hardly even registered. I mean, dudes are pillaging a village and setting huts on fire, and I didn't even notice.


So where were we? OK, yeah. Satan sends his messenger to impregnate a woman, so that this child may sit on the titular throne of fire, a feat which seems to have absolutely no effect, positive or negative, on the powers of the people who sit upon it. Morak, the son of the messenger of Satan, grows up to be Harrison Muller, who spends his day sending gangs of killers out to perform the most boring acts of pillaging you're ever going to see. On the plus side, some of them have pretty cool eagle wing helmets. It seems like, given the free reign Morak has with sending around death squads, that he has already succeeded in conquering pretty much the entire crappy kingdom, but people are still talking about the good king on his throne of fire. It apparently never occurs to Good King Fire Ass to send out an army to stop Morak's band of brigands. Seriously, Morak's army has like ten guys in it. How can they possibly not be defeated? Maybe if the king spent more time attend to the affairs of his kingdom and less time worrying about his fire throne, he wouldn't be in this situation. The last time we had a fire king around these parts, he had armies of scantily clad barbarian dudes and was able to fend off attacks from a guy who could hurl icebergs at him. By comparison, Morak doesn't seem to have any powers at all beyond the powers of prolonged exposition, and still this fire king gets his ass handed to him.


The king eventually falls to Morak, but the princess Valkari escapes. Hey! She does look like the sword swinging chick from the cover, though she keeps what little top she has on through the entire film. Sabrina Siani plays Valkari, and she at least is a welcome sight for eyes that are fast becoming difficult to keep open. She was a staple of the Italian sword and sorcery industry during the 1980s, having appeared shortly before this film as the largely naked evil Ocran in Lucio Fulci's completely bizarre barbarian fantasy film Conquest, which would be a much more entertaining film to watch than this one. She also appeared in The Invincible Barbarian, Sword of the Barbarians, White Cannibal Queen, and Ator the Fighting Eagle -- all of which would be more enjoyable to watch. Yes, even Ator. I never thought I'd find a movie that would make me think, "Man, I sure wish I was watching Ator right now -- no, I really wish I was watching Ator III!" but I guess that's the thrilling part of this job: you always learn new things.

Only one man stands in the way of Morak, the little gang he has, and his mad scheme to do whatever it is he'll be able to do by sitting on the throne of fire. That man is Siegfried, played by Invincible Barbarian star Pietro Torrisi. Pietro is a huge guy who gives off a sort of "Brad Harris with a perm" vibe, and his career in Italian exploitation was extremely long if unremarkable. He mostly filled uncredited roles, starting out as far back as 1963 with an appearance in The Ten Gladiators. In 1965, after a few more gladiator movies, he made the jump to Eurospy films, appearing in a couple pretty movies starring George Ardisson. Still, his roles were restricted to things like "Bodyguard." He continued this steady but minor work throughout the spaghetti western trend, the violent cop film trend, and the sexploitation trend. In 1982, after nearly twenty years in the business, someone finally decided that the post-Conan sword and sorcery boom was the right time and place for Pietro to step up to the plate and take on a starring role. And so he became Zukhan, king of the barbarians, in Franco Prosperi's Invincible Barbarian. He had another starring role shortly thereafter in Sword of the Barbarians, then was back to an uncredited role in The Iron Master, one of the few Italian sword and sorcery films that has eluded my prying eyes up to this date. And then it was on to the role of heroic Siegfried. At age forty-something, he still looks good, and if nothing else, he handles the action scenes with gusto. It's just too bad there are so few of them. He spends most of the movie getting captured, escaping, getting captured again, being taunted by Morak, escaping, then getting captured. And to make matters worse, Morak isn't even a very good taunter.


The movie threatens to pick up when Morak has Siegfried cast down into the Well of Madness, where he will be assaulted by all manner of ghoulish monsters and hallucinations. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't really deliver on the Well of Madness, and Siegfried is menaced by one guy with blobs of make-up on his face and some spooky underlighting before he is allowed to go about his business. While down there, he happens to find his own father, who has been imprisoned lo these many years by Morak. It turns out that Morak can't kill the old man because the guy knows the secret of the prophecy that prescribes by when and in exactly what manner Morak must sit upon the throne of fire. He imparts this knowledge to Siegfried, and then just for the hell of it also gives him a spell of invisibility and the gift of invulnerability to anything but fire -- which is kind of a lame gift when you are fighting a guy who is about to take over the fire throne. Anyway, there's a long bit where Siegfried and Valkari keep rescuing each other and then getting captured again, and the whole things finally boils down to the inevitable showdown between Siegfried and Morak. By the time this admittedly competent -- especially within the realm of Italian barbarian movies, where the sword fight choreography was often legendarily awful -- sword fight occurs, you will have stopped caring, fallen asleep, or coughed up your own skeleton in an attempt to relieve the mind-numbing tedium.

So let me put this in perspective: there is a movie directed by Jess Franco called Diamonds of Kilimandjaro. Even among fans of Jess Franco, it is considered to be terrible and tedious. I am going to give that movie a tepidly positive review and claim that it's not as boring as, well, as Throne of Fire. Other than the fact that some of the sword fights are OK and the leads look good, I have almost nothing positive to say about Throne of Fire except to mention that Siegfried is a master of gymkata. I go into movies like this expecting to be entertained no matter how awful they are. And I almost always am. And when you put this movie in, and it's got that topless barbarian woman cover and the first thing you are greeted with is the Cannon films logo and a remarkably crappy synth score, well things seem to be headed in the right direction, at least to me. But it doesn't take long for you to realize that you'd be much better off watching one of Cannon's other cheap-ass barbarian films, possibly Adventures of Hercules. Anything would be better than Throne of Fire.


Although you can't fault Torrisi and Siani for their one-note but largely competent performances (relative to the performances one usually sees in these types of movies), there is plenty of blame to be spread around among the writers and director. By this point in his lengthy career, Franco Prosperi should have known better. Way back when, he helped write the script for Mario Bava's Hercules in the Haunted World, one of the very best peplum adventures and arguably one of the best fantasy films of all time. He was originally slated to be the director before Bava took over. He must have died inside the day Bava took on directorial duties for Hercules in the Haunted World, because shortly thereafter Prosperi settled into a career of churning out scripts and doing directorial duties on a slew of sleazy mondo exploitation films. By the time he was tapped to direct a couple sword and sorcery films in the 1980s, he must not have given a damn about anything. His direction in Throne of Blood is as listless and boring as the script, and while me manages to keep everyone in frame and in focus, he doesn't put much effort beyond that into things. Frankly, though, I guess it's hard to blame him. After Throne of Fire, he decided to direct and a write a couple Cannibal Holocaust rip-offs. Cannibal Holocaust rip-offs...think that one over for a few minutes.

Complicit in the crime of boring me to tears are writers Giuseppe Buricchi and Nino Marino. Between the two of them, they had almost zero experience writing scripts, and their lack of ability shines through in every scene. There is no sense of pacing, not a single moment that generates even a spark of excitement. The dialog is dull and pointless and abundant. The entire thing is lazy. Why is the son of Satan's messenger doing all this instead of the actual son of Satan? Why does the son of Satan's messenger need a Christian friar to perform his wedding ceremony? Shouldn't he have his own devil-y friar? Why is the good king so easy to beat? Why do all the peasants killed in one scene show up again, alive and well, a few minutes later in another scene? OK, OK -- that one we have to blame on Prosperi. The only bright spot in the entire dismal affair is a single gag where Morak agrees to let Valkari's people free. He then proceeds to shoot them in the back with arrows as they try to leave. But hey, at least they were free. Still, a ten second gag in ninety minutes of undiluted dullness hardly makes for a film worth recommending.

You know the worst thing about Throne of Fire? It's that I just finished watching the movie and writing a review about how boring it is and how much I hated it. And then I look over at the table and see the bad-ass cover and think to myself, "Hey, Throne of Fire. That movie looks kind of cool. Maybe I'll watch it..."

Labels: ,

posted by Keith at | 5 Comments


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Return of the Bastard Swordsman

Part two of this two-part review, like the movie being reviewed, can't really be read without part one. Or it could, but it makes less sense. That part covers Return of the Bastard Swordsman, the death of the Shaw Brothers studio and Shaw style of martial arts movie, and because I'm a long-winded and pompous ass, dwell in more detail on the parallels between the rise and fall of Hammer Films in England and of the Shaw Brothers in Hong Kong. And Elvis.

Digg this article. 1983, Hong Kong. Starring Norman Chu, Alex Man, Anthony Lau, Chen Kuan Tai, Goo Goon Chung, Lo Lieh, Kong Do, Lau Siu Kwan, Liu Lai Ling, Sun Chien, Chan Lau, Chan Shen, Cheng Miu, Philip Ko, David Lam. Directed by Lu Chun-Ku. Buy it from HKFlix.

1983 was an exceptionally big year for Hong Kong cinema. Ching Siu-tung's Duel to the Death, Tsui Hark's Zu, and Project A featuring the first major on-screen teaming of Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and Yuen Biao, all hit the screens during that year. So did Aces Go Places II, a sequel to the wildly popular Sam Hui-Karl Maka action comedy of the previous year. It was a good time to be the Hong Kong film industry. Things were up in the air to be sure, as they often are during a rebirth, but there was no getting around that this was a year of incredible, ground-breaking films.

Lost somewhere in the mix was a more modest offering called Bastard Swordsman from the Shaw Brothers Studio. By 1983, The Shaw Brothers studio that had ruled Hong Kong since the 1960s, was all but dead and buried. By the time they figured out their approach -- both on-screen and off -- was no longer viable, it was too late, and Golden Harvest had become the dominant player on the field, with Tsui Hark's upstart Film Workshop providing an alternative outlet for film makers who had more ambitious artistic visions or, like Tsui Hark himself, simply couldn't get along with other people.


Bastard Swordsman wasn't a bad film. In fact, it was rather exceptionally fun. But it was also decidedly old-fashioned at a time when the New Wave was beginning to roar with full force. There were attempts to graft some of the look and feel of the New Wave onto the film, but while they may have succeeded in some spots (just as many New Wave films still had bits that looked old-fashioned, at least in terms of special effects), the overall result was a martial arts fantasy film that belonged to the previous decade. Despite the merits of the film, and perhaps because of longstanding legal wrangling over release of the Shaw Brothers library onto home video, Bastard Swordsman all but disappeared from the public consciousness while other films from the same year -- especially those mentioned above -- were revered as classics of Hong Kong action cinema.

A number of things conspired to bring the end of the Shaw Brothers studio, and once again in the spirit of drawing comparisons across genres and countries so as not to become exclusively focused on one aspect of film at the expense of seeing its connection to other aspects, it pays to compare the final days of the Shaw Bros to those of Hammer Films in England and, curiously enough, to the career of Elvis Presley.


With the glut of martial arts films that flooded the 1970s in the wake of Bruce Lee's popularity, and with the increasingly slapdash production values of many of those films, it was inevitable that an eventual backlash against -- or at the very least, complete boredom with -- the genre would bubble to the surface. This began to happen at the end of the 1970s, and it was only through the innovations of Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and action-comedy luminary Michael Hui, that the kungfu film found a new approach and continued to flourish. Unfortunately for the Shaws, all this flourishing was happening over at rival studios like Golden Harvest and Cinema City. Young, innovative film makers were unwilling to sign on to work with the creaking Shaw Brothers studio, opting for freedom and more artistic control rather than locking themselves into an outdated and oppressive studio system. With their old guard too old to deliver they way they used to, and no new guard lined up to inherit the mantle, the Shaw Brothers studio found itself floundering without direction or much hope for the future.

Hammer Studios, with whom the Shaw Brothers had collaborated in the past (on, among other things, Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires starring Peter Cushing and David Chiang), had undergone almost the exact same crisis a decade before. When Hammer released a trio of horror films in the late 50s -- Horror of Dracula, Curse of Frankenstein, and The Mummy -- they revolutionized and revitalized horror cinema almost over night. And while the studio produced a wide variety of movies, it was horror that defined them and became their bread and butter. When one mentions "Hammer films," one invariably thinks of the horror films rather than their pirate or war movies. Hammer's horror formula was so effective, however, that they never bothered to tinker with it, and as the 1960s wore on, Hammer found themselves suddenly losing ground. Where they had once been the controversial trendsetters, they were fast becoming the out-of-date fogies. They were unwilling to change the look or the formula, and rather than attempting to create new properties, they relied excessively on Frankenstein and Dracula and on their two biggest stars, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.


By 1970, Hammer's unwillingness to revise its way of doing business and presenting pictures was doing the company in more effectively than any stake through Christopher Lee's heart. New audiences, wrapped up in the social turmoil and upheaval of the Vietnam era, saw Hammer films as nothing more than their parents' square old movies. Hammer execs were, by and large, square and old, and their last-ditch attempts to make the studio relevant again met with all the success you would expect from sixty-year-old British guys trying to write hip, counter-culture lingo into a Dracula film. No one was buying it, and by the middle of the 1970s, Hammer was dead.

For the first few years of that decade, however, their desperate attempts to right the ship and remain afloat produced some of their best films, though very few people recognized them as such at the time. But Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, Taste the Blood of Dracula, Vampire Circus, Twins of Evil, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter -- these are all, in my opinion anyway, exceptionally good films. Vampire Circus and, to an even greater extent, Captain Kronos, represent everything that was right and wrong with Hammer. In Captain Kronos, they found the new direction the studio was seeking. Boasting a more action-packed, swashbucking approach, with more wit and comedy courtesy of a writer who was best known at the time for the quirky British spy-fi series The Avengers, it's entirely possible that Captain Kronos could have been the life preserver that kept Hammer from drowning.

Unfortunately, studio executives showed no faith in the potential of the film, and a sequel was never made. Instead, they returned to Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Dracula, preferring to sink on a familiar boat than risk an unfamiliar life raft. Their attempts to graft a hip, young face onto the hoary old Dracula franchise was met with indifference and derision from both critics and the young audiences so vital to the survival of horror films. And while Dracula A.D. 1972 has its entertaining aspects in retrospect, it's hard not to imagine how laughable all the woefully out-of-date "cool" lingo would have been to young viewers at the time.


Ten years later, the Shaws were finding themselves in almost the exact same dire straights, and they handled it in exactly the same way. With more faith and more money, and with a willingness to give young film makers a freer artistic and business related reign, it's possible that the studio could have found a new direction and continued, if not to thrive, than at least to exist. But they didn't do this. They stuck to the same old system, and the same old formula. By this time, Chang Cheh films could practically write and direct themselves, and the venerable old master was hardly up to the challenge of trying to reinvent himself or his films this late in the game. If there was any hope for the studio, it was in the form of Chu Yuan and Liu Chia-liang, but both were increasingly uncomfortable within the confines of the Shaw system.

Still, as with Hammer, this dark period at the end of the Shaw saga resulted in some of the very best films they ever produced, particularly courtesy of Liu Chia-liang, whose frenetic choreography and more character-driven films provided the vital step between the old and new, between the Shaw and Golden Harvest style. Many of his films, especially those from the tumultuous 1980s, are regarded today as masterpieces of kungfu cinema. But it was too little too late, and although Liu was an exceptionally gifted film maker, the weight of the whole of the Shaw Brothers machine was too great for him to support on his own.


By 1985, it was all over. Runrun Shaw didn't see any hope in sticking things out, and in the end, he was happier to see the ship go down than try any more reconstruction. Unable to support the lavish budgets that had been the calling card of past productions, the Shaw output started to look more and more like television productions -- which was fitting, as studio head Runrun Shaw had himself all but given up on theatrical releases and was investing his money in TV production.

It would have been fitting, back in the 1970s, if the last film Hammer produced had been something like Captain Kronos or even Twins of Evil. Both of these films were quite good, and even if the end of the studio was unavoidable, at least people would be able to look back and say that Hammer went out with a good movie. Unfortunately, it just wasn't the case. Disregarding forays into comedy, the last horror film Hammer produced was the astoundingly dismal To the Devil, a Daughter, starring a completely uninterested Richard Widmark who kills the high priest of the Antichrist by throwing a rock at him. It was a sorry, sorry nail to be the final one in the coffin. Similarly, the Shaw Brothers could have ended on a high note if Return of the Bastard Swordsman had been their final film, because it retains all the charm and energy of the first film but packs in even more action and weirdness. And it feels a lot like a last film, with Lo Lieh and Chen Kuan-tai returning to play memorable roles alongside many other Shaw stars, including some of the Venoms (though Ti Lung and David Chiang are missing).

Unfortunately, release schedules conspired against the Shaws going out on a high note, and the last kungfu film released by the Shaw Brothers as an independent entity was the perhaps too aptly titled Journey of the Doomed, a dismal (but not without entertainment value) and seedy failure of a film that is very much the Shaw equivalent of To the Devil, A Daughter, relying on sleaze, titillation, and a couple recognizable stars to keep audiences from noticing what a dreary, tedious, mess their final genre film was. It didn't work for Hammer, and it didn't work for the Shaw Brothers.


Both studios made the cardinal mistake that can kill any pop culture phenomenon and is perhaps best embodied by the career of Elvis Presley -- because I love making wild and seemingly ridiculous comparisons of that nature. Elvis, like Hammer and the Shaw Brothers films, came to pop culture prominence as the dangerous rebel, the rule-breaker and the hip-shaker. His rock and roll and on-stage pelvic antics were to pop music what the Shaw Brothers gory swordsman films of the 1960s were to Hon Kong cinema, and what Hammer's gory monster films were to British and American cinema. They outraged censors, befuddled critics, but enthralled young audiences.

But all three of them refused to move forward. Elvis remained the 50s icon throughout the 60s and 70s, but society moved on around him. Stuck in time, Elvis became increasingly square looking as pop culture evolved around him. Before he knew it, he was singing for middle aged housewives in Vegas while the youth market mocked and ridiculed him. The same things happened to Hammer and the Shaw Brothers. Entertainment and tastes evolved. They did not. Any attempt to recreate themselves was short-circuited by fear of the unknown, and no sooner would they try something different than they would retreat into the cobweb-strewn familiarity of a Chang Cheh film, or a Dracula film. In the end, it killed them all. Elvis' swansong was as an overweight drug addict in a sequined jumpsuit. To the Devil, A Daughter and Journey of the Doomed were the sequined jumpsuits for Hammer and the Shaws respectively. Amid the ugliness of their demise, it's hard to notice sometimes that there was still a lot of worthwhile material in those final hours.


Because the story for Bastard Swordsman was so sprawling, the production spanned two films, so although the series was unable to compete with the New Wave, the second part, Return of the Bastard Swordsman hit screens a year later. By this time, the Shaw Bros. were almost completely moribund, and indeed according to some sources, although the official date for the closure of production at the studio is given as 1985, the actual date may have been as early as 1983 or 1984, with the films coming out after that being things that were already in the can. It certainly seems likely that Return of the Bastard Swordsman was in production at the same time as the first film, as they share the same cast, crews, and sets. Indeed, Return of the Bastard Swordsman would have been a fitting close to the Shaw era, for while it may have been dated, it was still a ridiculously enjoyable movie.

The story picks up pretty immediately after the end of the first film. Having mastered the powerful Silkworm technique and saved Wudong from a would-be usurper, Yen-fei (Norman Chu) has retired to a life of contemplation alongside his wife (played again by Lau Suet-wah), the daughter of the late master of the Wudong school. I must have missed something here, because as is revealed to absolutely no one's surprise in the first film, the Wudong master is also Yen-fei's father (and mysterious hooded teacher), with the mother being the wife of the leader of Invincible Clan. Which would mean Lau's character is Yen-fei's half-sister, which isn't all that cool for a marriage even within the screwy universe of the Martial World. I must have gotten confused at some point, or maybe there was so much stuff going on that no one making the film noticed. I'm sure there was a line that would explain away their potential blood relationship. Right?


Since Yen-fei's departure, things have been relatively quiet, at least by Martial World standards. But that's not going to last for long, as a story about quiet and relaxing times in the Martial World would not be very much fun. For starters, the Wudong school still pretty much blows. There only seem to be a few competent students, and the cowardly, sniveling old elders are still hanging around. And the leader of Invincible Clan (Alex Man, once again) is still lurking about out there and presumably still has it in for Wudong. At this point, I really can't blame him. Those guys are worthless. But the big problem looming on the horizon is the fact that a ninja clan from Japan has noticed all this complicated Martial World squabbling, and they've decided that this sort of convoluted nonsense full of backstabbing and shenanigans is perfect for ninjas. They're pissed that it's been an all-China affair up to this point.

The leader of the ninja clan is played by none other than Chen Kuan-tai, one of the venerable old stars from the glory days of the Shaw Brothers kungfu film, on hand no doubt to lend a little fading star power to the proceedings (though I'm not sure Chen Kuan-tai was that big a draw by 1984). Just as the Invincible Clan has Fatal Skills and Yen-fei has Silkworm Technique, the ninjas have their own bizarre magical style that they think entitles them to rule the Martial World. The style allows Chen Kuan-tai to use his heartbeat to take over the heartbeat of his opponent, allowing him to wreak havoc with their pulse until they finally cough up their own heart. Using the power also causes Chen Kuan-tai to glow red while his chest inflates, because, you know, whatever man. Ninjas.

In order to prove the superiority of his chest-burtsing technique, Chen Kuan-tai takes his most trusted and weird ninjas to China, where he intends to kill both Yen-fei and the leader of Invincible Clan. Faced with challenges from the almighty Invincible Clan and these seemingly unbeatable ninjas, the elders of Wudong dispatch a young student (Lau Siu-kwan) to track down the only man who could possibly beat these guys: Yen-fei. Along the way, Lau meets up with a fortune teller (Philip Ko) whose kungfu seems to be at least as powerful as that of all the other ultra-powerful guys we've seen flying around and shooting beams out of their hands. While they're all out looking for Yen-fei (is this movie ever going have a bastard swordsman who returns?), Wudong assembles the leaders of all the remaining Martial World clans in hopes that together they might successfully defend themselves from Invincible Clan, although again, once you meet all these backstabbing, cowardly leaders, it's hard not to sympathize with the Invincibles. Before this coalition of the sniveling can get much done in the way of fighting the Invincible Clan, however, the ninjas show up to slaughter everyone and pin the blame on Invincible Clan in hopes that this will expedite Yen-fei's emergence from his reclusive lifestyle.


Yen-fei does eventually show up, though to be honest, this movie is a lot like Ivanhoe in that it spends a lot of time talking about the title character while the title character spends a lot of time resting and recuperating from various wounds. The bulk of the action is carried by Philip Ko, and later by Philip Ko and Anthony Lau as a noble doctor who also seems to have near invincible kungfu. Exactly how these two guys achieved such great power is never really explained, and they just sort of wander onto the scene and help Yen-fei out. Yen-fei, for his contribution to the story, doesn't seem capable of beating either Invincible Leader or the Ninja, at least until he spends a good long while hibernating in a cocoon in a cave.

Very little changes between this film and the first. The look and feel are identical, and the production values are the same. Some characters are out -- we never see the wife or daughter of Invincible Leader again -- while new ones are in, including the fortune teller, the doctor, and another more conniving doctor played by Lo Lieh. Return of the Bastard Swordsman has less character development, as most of that was accomplished in the first film, leaving room for more action in the sequel. This is neither good nor bad, as the characters helped make the first film compelling. If you watched this one without watching the first one, you'd probably be able to figure most things out (it's all summarized for you anyway), but it wouldn't be nearly as good. Chen Kuan-tai shows up with his magical ninjas to fulfill the role of full-blown villain that was left vacant when Yen-fei reduced that wandering swordsman to a pile of bloody bones at the end of the first film, and Invincible Leader remains a complex and interesting quasi-villain with whom we can still side when he's faced with an even greater villain. In fact, the showdown between Invincible and the ninjas is not the film's finale, but it is far and away the best fight scene in the film, with the end being both heroic and melancholy, and a great way to resolve the story of the Invincible Clan.

By comparison's Yen-fei's quest to attain the supreme level of Silkworm Technique is less intriguing, but that's not to say Norman Chu doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, even if his bastard swordsman is reduced to supporting character for much of the film. The finale is still his, or at least it's his and Philip Ko's. Perhaps taking a page from Jackie Chan's playbook, the finale sees Yen-fei realize that, in all likelihood, he can't beat Chen Kuan-tai (a nod, perhaps, to Chen Kuan-tai in Executioner from Shaolin, in which he was the hero engaged in an equally hopeless battle against a superior foe) and so must rely on cleverness, endurance, and the assistance of his friends. Their system for beating Chen Kuan-tai recalls another great Shaw Brothers film, Crippled Avengers, and once again someone discovers that a drum-based defense is best foiled by, you know, breaking all the drums.

Return of the Bastard Swordsman is a superb conclusion to the story that began in the first film. Thanks to the inclusion of ninjas, we get even more bizarre fights than in the first film, and we get them more frequently. I would have preferred maybe a little more involvement from our bastard swordsman, and maybe some explanation as to how some of the supporting characters manage to be just as powerful as the principals, but in the end, I am also pretty happy to let those small quibbles be washed away in the tide of just how much fun this movie is. It's good to see old hands like Lo Lieh and Chen Kuan-tai coming out for another go-round, and Norman Chu once again manages to infuse humanity and vulnerability in a character that becomes ever-closer to a God. The real show, however, is as it was with the first film, Alex Man as the leader of the Invincible Clan. He shows a voracious appetite for the scenery and plays everything wildly over the top, which is a style perfectly suited for this type of film. Movies full of magical ninjas, wizards, and guys shooting laser beams out of their hands really aren't well suited for subtlety. His final fight really makes the movie for me, and Norman Chu's actual finale seems almost to pale in comparison.


Yuen Tak's action choreography is once again a solid mixture of straightforward sword fighting and kungfu placed alongside fanciful supernatural skills realized with the same crude but entertaining effects as the first film. As I said at the beginning of this article, the effects were cheap and behind the times, but it's not like, looking back from our vantage point today, the effects of movies like Zu don't look just as crude. They may have been a major leap forward compared to Return of the Bastard Swordsman in the early 1980s, but now they all look rather archaic, and that makes it easier to appreciate the two Bastard Swordsman films without getting hung up over how old-fashioned they seemed at the time of their release. Return of the Bastard Swordsman is sort of like Clash of the Titans, a film that used Ray Harryhausen's stop-motion special effects after George Lucas style effects had put such things out to pasture. Past their prime or not, though, the effects in Clash of the Titans are still a lot of fun, as are the effects in Return of the Bastard Swordsman. Wires, jump cuts, garishly colorful animation -- considering how insane the whole world presented to us in these movies is, I don't really see much point in saying, "Nuh-uh, that's not how shooting crackling energy beams out of your palm looks like in real life."

Since this really is just the second half of one long film, I wouldn't recommend seeing Return of the Bastard Swordsman without or before Bastard Swordsman, just as there's not much point to Bastard Swordsman unless you move on to Return of the Bastard Swordsman. Although neither film was the final curtain for the Shaw Brothers studio, they never the less serve as an excellent note on which to pretend things ended. As far as anything-goes martial arts mayhem may go, the Bastard Swordsman saga may indeed not measure up to the films of the New Wave. It may lack the breakneck choreography of Jackie Chan and Ching Siu-tung, or the technical ambition of Tsui Hark, but none of these short-comings really matter in the long run, because Bastard Swordsman and Return of the Bastard Swordsman are still spectacularly fun wuxia fantasies with a comprehensible -- albeit somewhat loony -- plot and solid characters. It wasn't the movie that stemmed off the end for the Shaw Brothers martial arts film, but as far as "end of an era" free-for-alls go, you'd be hard-pressed to find another one with this much unbridled entertainment value.

Labels: , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 10 Comments


Saturday, January 06, 2007

Bastard Swordsman

Quick forward: I intended originally to simply review the Bastard Swordsman movies together, as they really are just two halves of a single whole movie. However, because I like to cram as many screencaps as possible into my reviews these days, it became obvious that a lengthy review featuring over a hundred screencaps was going to be a bear to load, even on a fast machine, so I decided to split the reviews up into separate posts. I also felt that, since there are a lot of readers now who aren't as well versed in the particulars of the Hong Kong film industry that many of us became familiar with when we first entered into cult film fandom, this might also be an opportunity to use Bastard Swordsman and Return of the Bastard Swordsman as sort of case studies upon which we could hang a really brief and somewhat incomplete history of martial arts filmmaking. For HK film fans, this will probably be old hat, so sorry about that.

So part one of this two-parter covers the first
Bastard Swordsman film, a brief history of the birth of kungfu filmmaking and the eventual rise of the Hong Kong new wave, and how all of this history is reflected in the end Bastard Swordsman movie. Part two will cover Return of the Bastard Swordsman, the death of the Shaw Brothers studio and Shaw style of martial arts movie, and because I'm a long-winded and pompous ass, dwell in more detail on the parallels between the rise and fall of Hammer Films in England and of the Shaw Brothers in Hong Kong.


Digg this article. 1983, Hong Kong. Starring Norman Chu, Lau Wing, Alex Man, Kwan Fung, Lo Meng, Goo Goon-Chung, Candy Wen, Kan Chia-Fong, Wong Yung, Leanne Lau, Yeung Jing-Jing, Chan Si-Gaai, Chen Kuan-Tai, Jason Pai Piao, Lo Lieh, Phillip Ko. Directed by Lu Chun-Ku. Buy it from HKFlix.

This is one of those movies that, upon completion, I can't wait to sit down and write a review of. And then, when I do sit down, all I can do is stare at the blinking cursor on a blank screen as I wrack my brain mercilessly for some way to encompass in words the absolutely bonkers display of sheer lunacy I've just watched. This often happens to me when attempting to write about especially weird kungfu films, because as fans of kungfu films know, nothing -- and that includes Alexandro Jodorowski movies -- is quite as weird as a really weird kungfu film. With Jodorowski, one can at least ask oneself "what the hell was this director thinking?" then engage in all sorts of research and philosophical debate pertaining to the meaning of his films. Yes, they are excessively weird, but they are not undecipherable. With enough thought, you can attain some degree of understanding as to his purpose and message.

With a film like Young Taoism Fighter or Fantasy Mission Force, or the film up for discussion here, Bastard Swordsman, divining a comprehensible reason behind the lunacy is far more challenging. It's not that these films suffer from some insurmountable cultural barrier; though they may be based upon or reference classic and contemporary Chinese stories and comic books, such things, especially in the age of the Internet and a globally connected tangled web of shared pop culture, are hardly inaccessible to fans in the West. Many classic works have been translated, and many more have, at the very least, been well summarized and explained in English. The same goes for modern works of fantastic fiction, specifically the Hong Kong comic books and martial arts novels from which so many films draw their inspiration. They are not common knowledge, perhaps, but neither are they arcane secrets locked away in some box that can only be opened by someone who tests positive for Chinese citizenship, a national identity that is verified using such questions as, "Do you like to spit?" and "How do you feel about cleaning your ears in public?" Incidentally, although my relatives are American Southerners of Scottish decent, a good many of them manage to test positive for Chinese citizenship.


Neither, do I think, is this a symptom of filmmakers who are so deep and complex that it becomes a lifetime chore just to unravel their meaning. There is little of James Joyce in Jimmy Wang Yu. Although I have been wrong about some things in the past, I am firmly placed in my opinion that Jimmy Wang Yu did not have any deep-rooted meaning or message embedded in the random ghost houses, flying Amazons, and kidnapping of Abraham Lincoln by Chinese Nazis in Buicks that comprises much of the running time of Fantasy Mission Force. Nor do I think that the people who make these films are throwing weird stuff up on screen just for the sake of being weird, because in general, people who do that never come up with anything quite this weird. There is a twisted, feverish imagination at work in many of these films, and the situations and characters that are borne of these imaginations are possessed of a weirdness quite unlike any other type of cinematic weirdness. Maybe it comes from having multiple people dashing off different parts of the script mere minutes before each scene is scheduled to be filmed. Maybe it comes from taking one too many punches to the head. Maybe there is liberal consumption of Bruce Lee's old hashish brownies during scriptwriting sessions. Whatever the reasons, anyone who submerges themselves in the weird world of kungfu cannot emerge as the same person. Like facing the abyss, you come away both scarred and enlightened. Like witnessing one of H.P. Lovecraft's hideous otherworldly monstrosities, sometimes to merely gaze upon them is enough to drive you completely and utterly insane.

Throughout the 1970s, and the first couple years of the 1980s, the Shaw Brothers studio in Hong Kong was cranking three distinct types of martial arts films: there were the films of Chang Cheh and those who followed his style, all about brute force, heroic bloodshed, and male bonding between archetypal characters. There were the films of Liu Chia-liang, featuring more intricate, technically accomplished fight sequences, complex characters, and comedic touches. And though these two directors were the sole definitions of Shaw Bros. martial arts films in the West until very recently, current DVD releases of the Shaws' voluminous libraries finally turned hungry fans on to the third type of Shaw Bros. martial arts film: the artfully designed, lyrical, almost supernatural swordsman fantasies of Chu Yuan.


In previous reviews of Chu Yuan films, I've discussed some of the elements that comprised his style. You could argue, pretty accurately, that Chang Cheh and Liu Chia-liang made kungfu films, while Chu Yuan made martial arts films. The films of the two formers were based on real weapons, real styles, and real historical periods (albeit historical periods that might not be realized with complete authenticity). Chu Yuan, however, based his martial arts films almost exclusively within the realm of fantasy, confined them to the mythical "Martial World," a fairytale version of ancient China populated by secret sects, supernatural styles, and fighters with mystic skills and fighting ability that bore very little resemblance to any form of actual fighting -- though I have a friend whose mother swears that there are some monks who really can fly and shoot bolts of concentrated chi energy from their palms. Chu Yuan shot almost entirely on sets, using highly stylized and extremely detailed art design to conjure up a world that was recognizable yet distinctly fantastic. You knew that the normal rules did not apply.

As the years wore on, Chu Yuan began to incorporate more and more special effects into his films. Relatively straight-forward films like The Bastard gave way to his successful run of swordsman films, many of which featured Shaw superstar Ti Lung navigating his way through a world populated by esoteric clans and secret societies hiding out in underground lairs stuffed to the gills with hidden chambers, trap doors, and wild Mario Bava-esque lighting. And the fighters in his film were increasingly likely to possess otherworldly martial arts skills that enabled them to fly and vanish into thin air. By the end of the 1970s, spilling into the 1980s, Chu Yuan went hog wild and indulged every artistic excess. His later films are crammed with even more characters, even more elaborate lairs, more stylized sets, and now the martial artists could do more than just fly; they could shoot multi-colored rays, spin webs, grow or shrink, and perform all sorts of other insane feats of a superhuman nature. They were Hong Kong's answer to American superheroes and Mexican luchadores.


Several directors followed in the footsteps of Chu Yuan, especially toward the end of the Shaw Bros. run at the top, when a faltering studio and the general sense that the Shaw product was outdated and stuffy when compared to what they were doing over at Golden Harvest (home of Sammo Hung, Jackie Chan, and Yuen Biao, among others) meant that desperate producers and directors were throwing every zany thing they could think of onto the screen in a last-ditch attempt to salvage some portion of the public interest. The slapdash desperation, dwindling budgets, and speedy shooting schedules, coupled with the fact that many filmmakers were trying to cram sprawling epic novels and comic book series into hundred minute movies meant that much of what was produced at the end of the studio's lifespan was as wildly imaginative and insane as it was completely incomprehensible and convoluted.

Somewhere amid the maelstrom of this "anything goes" free for all, we find director Lu Chin-Ku's delirious martial arts fantasy Bastard Swordsman, two films that are really just one long film split into two parts for easier consumption. Lu began his directing career in the 1970s with a series of generally nondescript, low-budget kungfu films. As an actor, he appeared in a whole passel of Shaw Bros. productions, including some of their more infamous titles, such as Bruce Lee and I, the softcore Bruce Lee biopic starring Danny Lee (John Woo's The Killer) and Bruce's real-life possible mistress, Betty Ting Pei. In the 1980s, however, probably as a result of studying Chu Yuan's films as well as attempting to mimic the special-effects laden films of Tsui Hark and Ching Siu-tung that helped usher in the Hong Kong New Wave, Lu decided to dabble in films of a similar nature. In 1983, he directed a duo of such over-the-top fantasy films for the Shaw Bros.: Holy Flame of the Martial World and Bastard Swordsman.


Bastard Swordsman started out as a 1978 television series under the title Reincarnated, starring Norman Chu and female lead Nora Miao, who appeared alongside Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon and Fist of Fury, as well as appearing in Chu Yuan's classic Clans of Intrigue. Norman Chu had been steadily working his way up through the ranks of Shaw Bros. martial arts stars, appearing in just about all of Chu Yuan's martial arts fantasies during the 1970s (including Killer Clans, Magic Blade, Legend of the Bat, Web of Death, Clans of Intrigue and, well, more than there's a point to list right now) as well as films directed by Chang Cheh and Liu Chia-liang. The action in the Reincarnated television series was directed by Ching Siu-tung, who would himself go on to pair with producer (and sometimes overbearing co-director) Tsui Hark to usher in the Hong Kong New Wave with films like Zu and Duel to the Death -- both of which happen to feature Norman Chu. Chu also appeared in Patrick Tam's The Sword alongside Adam Cheng (who would himself go on to play one of the other major roles in Zu), regarded by many as the first film of the Hong Kong New Wave -- a dubious claim at best, dependent entirely on how you define the Hong Kong New Wave.

Sorry, I know I'm throwing out more names per paragraph than Chu Yuan himself. If you've been a fan of Hong Kong films for a long time, at least since the early 1990s, or if you are a more recent but well-read (and watched) fan, then a lot of these terms and names -- the Shaw Brothers, Golden Harvest, Ching Siu-tung, the Hong Kong New Wave, so on and so forth, are going to be familiar, if not common knowledge. But if you're all new to this, and I know a good many of you are because you ended up at this site due to other genres, then I might be sounding as esoteric as a Lung Ku novel. So allow me, if you will indulge me in such things, to derail this review just a bit longer so I can sum up, in as few paragraphs as possible the gist of the Hong Kong film chronology and why it is important to understanding Bastard Swordsman.


Even if you aren't a kungfu film fan -- and Lord help you if you aren't -- you probably at least know what the heck they are, and more than likely, your image of them is rooted in the ultra-cheap, often shoddy productions that were dumped en mass into the United States grindhouse, drive-in, and television markets during the 1970s. Although kungfu films had been around in Hong Kong, in one form or another, pretty much since the birth of the film industry there (and Hong Kong has traditionally had the third largest film industry in the world, falling short only of India and the United States, though production dropped off substantially when the industry collapsed in the mid-late 1990s), they were strictly regional products until the 70s. The earliest kungfu films were little more than filmed Peking Opera plays (and in an effort to keep myself at least somewhat reeled in, I'm not going to explain Peking Opera to you -- that's what the rest of the Internet is for), and it wasn't until a man by the name of Kwan Tak-hing stepped into the role of local folk hero Wong Fei-hung that the kungfu film as we know it started to take shape. Kwan and his frequent co-star Shih Kien (who would play Mr. Han in Enter the Dragon, making him present at both the birth and rebirth of the kungfu film) still relied on the stylization and acrobatics of Peking Opera, but they also began to integrate fight choreography and purer martial arts styles into their films, as well as more stories structured more for the screen rather than stage.

The result was a thunderous success, at least in Hong Kong. Kwan Tak-hing became so famous for his role that people pretty much thought of him as Wong Fei-hung; certainly he achieved more fame than the actual Wong Fei-hung, and the only other actor at the time who could boast such staggering success was an Italian actor named Bartelomo Pagano, who had appeared as the towering slave Maciste in the early Italian silent film epic Cabiria. Like Kwan, Pagano was so famous for the role and played it so many times that, in effect, the actor became synonymous with the character (Pagano eventually dropped his real name and simply went by Maciste even in his daily life). El Santo in Mexico would be another, later example of a similar phenomenon. Unfortunately, no one ever had the means or the desire to put Kwan Tak-hing and Bartelomo Pagano (or El Santo) together in a film.

Once Kwan and Shih Kien established modern kungfu fight choreography, it wasn't long before studios started making fewer and fewer staged opera play movies and more and more legitimate kungfu films. The Shaw Brothers studio, one of the earliest production houses in all of Asia, labored away at these martial arts films until, in the mid 1960s, they hit the jackpot with a string of swordsman melodramas that relied heavily on the rhythmic fight choreography pioneered by Kwan Tak-hing, the melodrama and emotion of Chinese operas and plays, and the Grand Guignol spectacle of onscreen bloodshed and mayhem. These early swordsman films -- wu xia pian as they were known -- often starred a guy named Jimmy Wang Yu, usually alongside other early stars like Lo Lieh and one of the first female action stars, Cheng Pei-pei (still going strong today, with among other things, a substantial role in Ang Lee's wu xia revival film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). Men like Chang Cheh and King Hu were often the go-to directors for these types of films, which upped the ante considerably both in terms of technical fight choreography and violence.


As the 60s progressed, certain producers, stars, and directors started looking for something other than the wu xia epics that had served them so well but obviously couldn't last forever. It was the early luminaries of the wu xia films -- Chang Cheh, Lo Lieh, and Jimmy Wang Yu -- who would be among the first to return to the kungfu of the Kwan Tak-hing films. It was a moment of perfect timing. In 1970, the "final" film in Kwan Tak-hing's Wong Fei-hung series was released. He would go on to reprise his role again and again, but always as a supporting cast member. The core Wong Fei-hung series, however, lasted for ninety-nine films, which means it is still the reigning international champion for longest film series. Even James Bond and Godzilla cower in the shadow of Kwan Tak-hing and Wong Fei-hung.

Just as the Kwan films were going out of production and the public was getting tired of gruesome swordsman melodramas, the Shaw Brothers studios and Jimmy Wang Yu (who split ways with the studio) were kicking the kungfu film concept into high gear. In 1970, the "Iron Triangle" of director Chang Cheh and stars David Chiang and Ti Lung debuted together in the film Vengeance. It is partially a kungfu film, but it's obvious that Chang couldn't entirely divorce himself from the previous decade. Much of the fighting actually takes place with blades and knives, and the story is classic swordsman revenge melodrama. For pure kungfu, fans and historians split hairs over which was the first, but Jimmy Wang Yu's Chinese Boxer generally claims the title of "first modern kungfu film."

But what they were doing was being done against the backdrop of a rising storm. The wu xia films proved wildly popular in Hong Kong, but the martial arts movie remained a solidly local product. Jimmy Wang Yu, Lo Lieh, Chang Cheh -- these were huge names in Hong Kong and Taiwan, but outside of the region, they were relatively unknown. In 1971, however, the Hong Kong born co-star of the American television show The Green Hornet returned to his native city-state, where he was considered the star, rather than the sidekick, of the TV show. Lo Wei, a former director at the Shaw Bros. studio, was working for an upstart studio called Golden Harvest, and he was anxious to nab this talented, charismatic Chinese-American to star in one of his films. The film was called Fist of Fury, and the star, as most of you probably already know, was a guy named Bruce Lee.

Stick with me, because yes, eventually this will all circle back around and connect to Bastard Swordsman. It's just been a really long time since I got to write about Hong Kong films, and I'm pretty excited. So forgive me if I get carried away. My first professional writing job was about Hong Kong cinema, and it occurs to me that while many of these films are as familiar to me as a family member, I sometimes forget that something like Jackie Chan's Police Story is over twenty years old now, and that some of our younger readers -- heck, some of our college age readers -- weren't even born the first time I saw that movie. Because I was young once, too, and because I always found it fun to uncover tidbits of information and understand how films and film industries connect with one another, I thought I'd run down the basics for those who weren't around when this was all big news.


Fist of Fury wasn't the first kungfu film, and Bruce Lee wasn't the first kungfu film star. Heck, he wasn't even the first kungfu film star to break in America. That honor goes to Lo Lieh and Five Fingers of Death, which found its way onto American grindhouse screens while Lee was still toiling away in Hong Kong, all but forgotten in the United States. But people in Hong Kong knew what was up, and they could see that Bruce Lee represented another quantum leap forward in the evolution of martial arts and fight choreography. He gathered more and more steam, and when he finally exploded onto American screens in the Warner Brothers-Golden Harvest co-production Enter the Dragon, an unstoppable phenomenon had been created.

And by that time, Bruce was already dead.

But there's no denying he kicked open the floodgates, allowing kungfu films to finally stream across the pacific and into the United States (among other countries, of course). Audiences, especially in crowded urban areas, went nuts for this new style of film. Plagued by skyrocketing crime rates and social unrest, the largely minority audiences found in kungfu films heroes to whom they could relate: often poor, often down-trodden, and never Caucasian. But heroes none the less, even in the face of insurmountable odds. It's no pop culture coincidence that kungfu films and blaxploitation films arrived on the scene at roughly the same time and played to roughly the same audiences.

Unfortunately, Bruce Lee only made a few films before his death, so American distributors were hungry for absolutely anything they could get their hands on. Hong Kong, still very much in the grips of the kungfu film craze as well, was full of quality productions, and while Golden Harvest may have opened the door in the form of Bruce Lee, it was the venerable Shaw Brothers studio that became the respectable and lavish face of the kungfu film. Anchored by studio directors like Chang Cheh and good-looking, solidly trained contract stars like Ti Lung and David Chiang, Shaw Brothers became to the kungfu film what Hammer Studios was to the horror film in the late 1950s and early 1960s. They were the dominant force, and their films boasted the best stars, the biggest budgets, the most lavish sets, and the most intricate fight choreography.


But even the Shaw Brothers output wasn't enough to satiate the hunger of American distributors, and so dozens upon dozens of production companies sprung up to crank out kungfu cheapies that could keep audiences across the world doped up on kungfu mayhem. Some of these films were quite good; many of them weren't, and often the cheaper and shoddier the film, the better it became known in the United States since whole stacks of the cheap ones could be bought for the price of a single quality production. As a result, these lower budget, more slapdash kungfu films eventually became the face of kungfu in the United States.

But we aren't really interested in the United States right now. Back in Hong Kong, the Shaw Brothers studio was discovering, like Pony Boy, that nothing gold can stay. As the 70s trudged on, the studio struggled to stay at the top of its game and supplement its veterans with a steady supply of fresh faces -- Alexander Fu Sheng, Liu Chia-hui, the group of actors known collectively as the Venoms -- and new directors -- like Liu Chia-liang and Chu Yuan.

At the dawn of the 1980s, the Shaw Brothers were finding it almost impossible to fend off attacks on its dominance from Golden Harvest, who had floundered about for much of the 70s as they searched for "the next Bruce Lee." They finally found him -- or them, rather -- in the late 1970s. A group of former Peking Opera brats looking to make it in the kungfu movie business found homes at Golden Harvest. Among them were Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and Yuen Biao. Chan, who had been toiling away in lackluster though occasionally entertaining low-budget films directed by Lo Wei' sindependent production company, hooked up with Taiwanese director and choreographer Yuen Wo-ping, whose entire family was involved (and still is, as even many non-Hong Kong film fans know his name these days) in doing stunt work, directing, acting, and kungfu choreography. With two films -- Snake in the Eagle's Shadow and Drunken Master -- Jackie went from second-string ham 'n' egger to mega-star.


Meanwhile, his classmates Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao were working over at Golden Harvest on films like Knockabout and Magnificent Butcher, often alongside none other than Kwan Tak-hing, still playing Wong Fei-hong after all those decades. Both Sammo and Yuen Biao had appeared in much better films than Jackie Chan, including several high-profile Shaw Brothers productions, but Biao was always a nameless extra hired for his acrobatic skills, and Sammo was always a second-string henchman and behind-the-scenes choreographer. With films like Knockabout, however, they got to move to center stage, and just as Jackie Chan was doing, they wasted no time ushering in the next era of martial arts choreography, highlighted by absolutely breathtaking stunts, fights that were faster and more intricate than anything anyone ever dreamed of trying, and films that were peppered with as much comedy as violence. This was the birth of the Hong Kong New Wave.

And the New Wave was beating mercilessly at the storied shores of the Shaw Brothers studio. Locked into an old and out-of-date frame of mind, the studio simply couldn't keep pace. They were still making good films, and even quite a few great ones thanks to Liu Chia-liang (who represents the essential middle step between the early 70s choreography of Chang Cheh and his stars and the New Wave choreography of Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung) and Chu Yuan, but it was obvious as the 70s fell away and the 80s began, that the Shaw Brothers and their style of filmmaking was a thing of the past. Once Sammo, Jackie, and Yuen Biao united alongside other former classmates at Golden Harvest, it was the end for Shaw Brothers.

But Jackie and Sammo only represent a third of what comprised the Hong Kong New Wave. The second third was comprised of the aforementioned wu xia revival films by Ching Siu-tung, Patrick Tam, and Tsui Hark. Their films grew directly out of the style of films Chu Yuan was making throughout the 70s, and Bastard Swordsman represents one of the the Shaw Bros. attempts to keep pace with the changing face of Hong Kong cinema.


The final third of the New Wave came to us courtesy of Tsui Hark as producer and former Chang Cheh protoge and second unit director John Woo as director. Working with the king of Shaw Brothers films during much of the 1970s, Ti Lung, as well as the more-or-less obscure (at the time) Chow Yun-fat, Woo and Hark made A Better Tomorrow, a film that grafted the heroic bloodshed, over-the-top violence, and male bonding of the Chang Cheh films and the frenetic action choreography that was pioneered by Hung and Chan onto the world of Hong Kong triads and gangsters. Although there are plenty of connections between Woo's heroic bloodshed gangster films and his teacher's similar kungfu films from a decade before, the connection most important to Bastard Swordsman exists within the realm of the fantasy films made by guys like Tsui Hark and Ching Siu-tung.

Ironically, this revitalizing revolution in Hong Kong filmmaking, which has been likened to a similar revolution in the United States during the 70s, failed to ever make much of an impact outside of Hong Kong. Jackie Chan tried and failed several times to break into the U.S. market a la Bruce Lee or Five Fingers of Death, but for the most part, these films remained all but unheard of in the United States until cult film fans started in the early 1990s getting a hold of bootleg copies of Jackie Chan's Police Force and John Woo's The Killer.

Still with me? No? OK, I can deal with that. That's an awful long way of saying that Reincarnated represents one of the very first attempts to create the Hong Kong New Wave, thanks largely to the involvement of Ching Siu-tung. Which means that the guy who was ultimately partially responsible for the series that gave birth to the Bastard Swordsman films is also the guy partially responsible for the New Wave revolution that killed off the Shaw Brothers studio and caused them to start making desperate movies like Bastard Swordsman.

See? See? Everything is connected.

The unique thing about Reincarnated -- the Chinese title for which translates literally to "Transformation of the Heavenly Silkworm" -- was that, unlike the Chu Yuan films that inspired it, it was not based on a previously existing novel. In fact, the success of the original television show inspired subsequent novels, as well as a sequel series and, finally, the Shaw Bros. produced two-part Bastard Swordsman movie, the Chinese title for which is the same as that of the Reincarnated television series.


For the films, and because he was already an established hand at the studio, they were able to once again cast Norman Chu (he did not appear in the sequel television series, and I doubt very seriously that, given the incompatibilities between paperback books and human anatomy, he ever appeared in any of the novelizations, though if he did, that would have been quite a surprise for whoever opened the book and found him stuffed in there) as orphan Yen-fei, the constantly bullied servant at the Wudong school, one of the most revered pillars of the Martial World. Despite the rep, it seems very few of the students at the school are all that great, and while they should be practicing their martial arts, they instead taunt Yen-fei like a bunch of elementary school bullies, surrounding him and calling him names while they all point at him, and throwing daggers at him -- just like in elementary school, like I said. It's hard to believe any of these students are grown men. I mean, seriously. Surrounding him and chanting names while they all point at him? Shouldn't these guys have outgrown that by the time they turned ten years old? Hell, though it's not featured in the film, it seems like they probably also made him eat bugs.

Yen-fei can find no relief from his childish tormentors. The school elders constantly judge in favor of the students, and the school master (Wong Yung), has a curiously zealous grudge against the harried orphan. Only the master's daughter (Lau Suet-wah, who has awesomely sexy eyebrows) treats Yen-fei with any sort of kindness, but being the abused black sheep of the school, he's forever too shy to pledge his love to her.


Yen-fei's not the only one with problems, though. The master and his brother (the superior martial artist and sort of the shadow master of the school) must soon show up for their regularly scheduled duel with the ruthless master of the rival Invincible Clan, who can't let a day go by without having his henchmen cart him over in a palanquin so he can laugh in everyone's face and toss some of the useless Wudong students around. I really wish the villains of the world were more like the villains in martial arts movies. Instead of just threatening us via Internet video, imagine what it would be like if the leaders of al-Quaeda instead arrived at the steps of the Capitol building to belt out evil laughter and point a lot, thus requiring members of Congress to file down the stairs in formation while wielding staves. The world went wrong the day our despots and villains stopped sitting in thrones surrounded by henchmen. Now Stalin -- I bet that guy would have shown up and cut loose with the evil laughter if he'd had the chance. It would have worked, too, because no American President ever looked more like a Shaolin monk than Eisenhower.

Although this Invincible Clan guy is kind of a prick, he also has good reason to laugh. The Wudong master knows there is no way he can possibly beat the guy. In fact, in all their assorted duels, they've never beat him, probably because his secret kungfu style is the Fatal Skill, which is a pretty direct and to the point skill that gets the job done and allows you to glow green. By contrast, the Wudong secret skill is the Silkworm Technique. Now how is the Silkworm Technique going to stand a chance against The Invincible Clan's Fatal Skills? Especially when no one in the Wudong school has actually ever mastered the Silkworm technique! To make matters worse, the Invincible Clan has decided that this year, if Wudong loses the duel, the Invincible Clan is just going to kill them all because, frankly, who the hell needs Wudong around anyway?

Meanwhile, we learn that Yen-fei has secretly been training in kungfu under the guidance of a mysterious masked man who has turned the youth into the greatest fighter Wudong has ever produced. However, in exchange for his training, Yen-fei has to swear that he will never let any of his fellow Wudong students know he knows kungfu. This becomes increasingly difficult to comply with as the Invincible Clan comes down on Wudong and a wandering swordsman (Anthony Lau) appears who also seems to have it in for Yen-fei and his school. In the end, Yen-fei is forced to flee while the Invincible Clan, his own Wudong students, and the members of a couple other martial arts clans from around the Martial World all seek to kill him and each other before Yen-fei can perfect his skills, unlock the secret of the Silkworm Technique, and sort out the piles and piles of intrigue and deep, dark secrets.


Compared to the wuxia mysteries of Chu Yuan, the first Bastard Swordsman movie is pretty straight-forward. There are a lot of characters, but it's pretty easy to keep everyone straight, as they all have distinct traits and personalities and, for the most part, play fairly major roles in the plot of the story -- as opposed to Chu Yuan films, where there are likely to be twice as many characters, many of whom appear and disappear with little or no explanation, and many of whom are so aloof and remote that it becomes a chore to tell them apart. The plot of Bastard Swordsman is the basic "innocent man must prove his innocence" plot made more complicated by the fact that no one can ever finish a simple sentence before someone else yells, "Shut up! I don't want to hear your lies!" and flies at them through the air while shooting brightly colored beams. If there is one fault to be found with the film, this is it, and while I understand that it helps propel us directly into the fight scenes, there are times when I wish someone would just take the ten seconds to say the one sentence or one word that would avert all this bickering. But I guess that's sort of the point, that people in the microcosm of the Martial World are too wrapped up in squabbles and power plays to do the one simple thing or say the one simple sentence that would eliminate so much tragedy.

None of what I've written so far in attempting summarize the basic plot sounds all that weird, and I guess few things do when they are boiled down to their essential components. The weirdness comes in the embellishments, and make no mistake about it, Bastard Swordsman is embellished with so much weirdness that it'll damn near blow your mind. We're not talking the sheer level of pandemonium attained by Buddha's Palm (another late-era Shaw Bros. martial arts fantasy), but make no mistake about it, this films is plenty crazy and derives its craziness not from astoundingly confounding plots (by wuxia standards, these films are very straight-forward), but from the supernatural nature of the martial arts and the special effects employed in realizing these powers on screen.

The same year Bastard Swordsman was released also saw the release of Ching Siu-tung's Duel to the Death, another film stuffed with magic ninjas, wizards, and flying swordsman, directed by the man who had worked on the original Reincarnated series and starring Norman Chu. Duel to the Death broke new ground and served as a massive leap forward in the quality of special effects presented in Hong Kong movies, thanks largely to the information brought back from America by producer-director Tsui Hark, who applied his newfound knowledge (he spent considerable time in the States studying Industrial Light and Magic special effects techniques) in excess in his own Norman Chu-starring film, Zu.


Bastard Swordsman, on the other hand, relied almost entirely on somewhat outdated, low budget tricks. Where as Duel to the Death was produced at Golden Harvest, then overflowing with cash from the success of upstart stars and directors like Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung and only just emerging as the dominant force in Hong Kong filmmaking, the ambition of Bastard Swordsman is foiled by the limited resources available at the Shaw Studio, which was waning just as fast as Golden Harvest was rising. All the hot actors, directors, and choreographers were at Golden Harvest (and later, at Tsui Hark's offshoot Film Workshop). Shaw Bros. movies still had their audiences, but they were increasingly out of date and unpopular, and the few young stars the studio had were no longer under exclusive contract the way they had been in previous decades. Like England's Hammer Studios a decade before, the Shaw Bros. had gone from leader of the pack to creaky artifact. By the time Bastard Swordsman went into production, the once-illustrious studio was all but a thing of the past.

As such, none of the technical innovation that went into Duel to the Death or Zu found its way into Bastard Swordsman, which instead had to rely on the archaic methods that had served them in the 70s -- wirework and crude animation. Of course, now the sands of time have swept multiple eras up into one uber-era, and Zu and Duel to the Death are scarcely recognizable to newer fans as being any more or less crudely realized than Bastard Swordsman and Return of the Bastard Swordsman, and as things get mixed into a big ol' stew of "old stuff," it becomes a lot easier to look back on the special effects in Bastard Swordsman as over-the-top, colorful, and fun than it must have been to look at them in 1983 and see anything but cheap crap pumped out by a dying studio.


Naturally, everyone glows and has colored lights shining on them. Most everyone can fly, and a more accomplished martial artists can shoot colorful glowing beams out of their hands. Norman Chu's Yen-fei is drenched in animated blue energy when he summons his power, looking a bit like that Lightning guy from Big Trouble in Little China. Once he becomes a master of Silkworm technique, he can spin webs, toss his enemies about, and imprison them in a cocoon he can then kick and bash around until his foe is little more than a pile of rattled bones. But that's nothing compared to Chen Kuan-tai's secret ninja skill in Return of the Bastard Swordsman, which allows him to inflate his chest and use his heartbeat (while he glows, naturally) to take over the pulse of his opponent, which in turn allows him to make them cough up their own heart. But we'll get to that later.

That's all just the tip of the iceberg, as both Bastard Swordsman films are crammed with esoteric rites, rituals, and fighting techniques all wielded by a cast of increasingly outlandish characters. While Chu Yuan films were prone to stop from time to time for bouts of exposition and philosophizing, Lu's Bastard Swordsman rarely take a break from the ridiculous, over-the-top action. Very few and far between are the scenes free of guys shooting lasers at each other, or flying around engaging in sword duels. But while other such wuxia fantasies rely almost entirely on wild special effects-driven fighting, the Bastard Swordsman duo strike a healthy mix between supernatural martial arts shenanigans and genuine fight choreography. With action direction by Yuen Tak (one of those Yuens, the ones who adopted the name of their Peking Opera master, a group that also includes Yuen Wah, Cory Yuen Kwai, and Yuen Biao -- not to mention the guys who didn't change their names, like Sammo Hung and Jackie Chan -- but not the clan of Yuens that included Yuen Wo-ping. what is it with that surname, anyway?), both Bastard Swordsman films boast excellent hand-to-hand and sword fights that don't rely on wires or glowing animation of crackling blue energies.

Although people come for the weirdness and spectacle, Bastard Swordsman offers plenty of other elements that make it worth staying around. For starters, taking a note from Chu Yuan, Lu's film is packed with complex, well-developed characters. Chang Cheh always dealt in symbols and archetypes, while Chu Yuen favored more human (though still supernaturally powerful) characters. The cast of Bastard Swordsman falls somewhere in the middle, and much of the film's power comes from the quality job done by the actors inhabiting the characters. Norman Chu makes a compelling and empathetic lead. We root for him when he's the abused underdog, and we cheer for him once he begins to discover his true potential as a fighter.


But the real complexity is manifest in the leader of the Invincible Clan. He's sort of evil, sort of not. He definitely has a grudge against the Wudong, but we never really have a clear picture of whether or not Wudong is all that heroic by contrast. We never see them out defending the poor or performing kind acts, and frankly, what we see of most of the members sort of makes them out to be dicks. Who knows if they are really any more or less "evil" than the Invincible Clan? Invincible Leader is mostly considered evil because he does that laugh. But when he defeats the master of Wudong, he grants leniency in carrying out the death sentence, going so far as to issue a command that no one in the realm should lay a finger on any member of the Wudong Clan until he himself has time to kill them. When yet another rival clan attacks the Wudong and claims to be from the Invincible Clan, it's the Wudong who refuse to listen to explanation or investigate the situation, while the Invincible Clan vows to get to the bottom of who wronged the Wudong and violated the proclamation.

There's also the estranged wife (Yuen Qiu) and daughter (Candy Wen Xue-er) of the Invincible Clan leader, both of whom have secret connections to Wudong and Yen-fei, and both of whom are far deeper characters than "evil dragon lady" or "damsel in distress." Along with the daughter of the Wudong leader, they each play vital roles in helping Yen-fei unlock his skills and, with any luck, put an end to all the squabbling in the Martial World. That they play such significant, developed, and heroic roles in the film is definitely something Lu picked up from his Shaw Bros. peers Chu Yuan and Liu Chia-liang, both of whom were well known for featuring women in substantial roles while Chang Cheh couldn't wait to get the dames off the screen and get back to a shirtless Ti Lung being stabbed in the gut.

The rest of the Invincible Clan seems pretty noble as well, especially compared to the cowardly, squabbling, whining Wudong students and elders. Yen-fei definitely has more in common with the Invincible leader than he does with his own clan. Both men are striving to attain a level of martial arts prowess that will elevate them beyond the human sphere and grant them near godlike powers. If the Invincible Leader is a dick, if he tends to laugh a lot, if he sits with rakish casualness in his sparkly throne, it's probably because he is so dedicated to the attainment of the ultimate level of martial arts that he almost ceases to be human or relate to human morality. Yen-fei is similar, but his upbringing and his relationship with the three women keep him from becoming disconnected from his humanity.

Lu's direction is gorgeous, aided greatly by the cinematography which takes full advantage of the widescreen format. Along with the bright glowing beams of light, Lu splashes each scene with vibrant colors. The art design definitely owes a debt to Chu Yuan, but where as he likes to keep his films almost entirely set-bound, Lu Chin-ku mixes stylish sets with outdoor locations, reflecting perhaps his penchant for alternating between supernatural special-effects fights and more authentic sword fights and kungfu. Although Bastard Swordsman ultimately falls short of the elegance of Chu Yuan at his best, it's still a breathtakingly beautiful and meticulously constructed adventure.

Part one of the film resolves some of the major plot points it introduces -- specifically the sorting out of the Wudong intrigue and the appearance of the mysterious swordsman. However, it leaves plenty of other plot threads -- specifically the conflict between Yen-fei and Invincible Clan's leader -- dangling to be wrapped up in the sequel, which, conveniently, picks up right where the first film leaves off.

Labels: , , , , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 6 Comments


Monday, May 01, 2006

Crusher Joe

1983, Japan. Starring Hiraku Takemura, Run Sasaki, Noriko Ohara, Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Issei Futamata, Goro Naya, Osamu Kobayashi, Akira Kume, Reiko Muto, Kazuyuki Sogabe, Takeshi Watabe, Daisuke Gori, Kazuko Yanaga, Nobuo Tanaka, Hidekatsu Shibata. Directed by Yoshikazu Yasuhiko. Written by Yoshikazu Yasuhiko, Haruka Takachiho. Purchase from Amazon.com.

A thrilling part of Animeighties Month!

Here's a good example of why you need to take care in how you make snap judgments about things (as in, judgments made quickly and potentially without all the facts, not judgments where it's judged to be appropriate to wag your head and yell, "Oh snap"). Before sitting down to watch it for this review, I'd never seen Crusher Joe. Not only had I never seen it, it never even occured to me that I might want to see it. I'd heard of it, seen it around, but I never bothered with it. And I handled it in this matter for one reason and one reason only: the title sounded kind of lame. I mean, Crusher Joe? Wasn't he in Mike Tyson's Punch Out? Wasn't he one of the ham 'n' eggers the old WWF would trot out for their Saturday Night Main Event when they wanted someone for a superstar to beat? I think Crusher Joe used to tag team with Leapin' Lanny Poffo.

It just wasn't a title that caught my attention, and so I just let it fall through the cracks without so much as a look. Looking back, I can either lament that I possessed such a cavalier and uninformed attitude and thus missed Crusher Joe for so many years, or I can celebrate the fact that though I may have missed it back in the day, all that really means is I get to experience the thrill of discovery now. And it is a thrilling discovery, because despite the name deemed by me to be lackluster, if you want sprawling space action in the classic sci-fi anime mode and you're not willing to happily subject yourself to Odin, Crusher Joe is probably what you are looking for, mainly because it is really goddamn good.

What's emerged as sort of the over-arching theme of this whole Animeighties month seems to be the relationship between anime in the 1980s (and thus the manga which often served as the original source material) and the pulp and potboiler fiction of the United States. Odin reflects the ponderous and often nonsensical sci-fi pulp of A.E. van Vogt. Golgo 13 traces its roots to the post-Fleming, post-Bond deluge of espionage fiction that came out during the 60s and 70s. Wicked City grows like a slimy, toothy tentacle from the horror pulp of H.P. Lovecraft. So to stick with the theme, where does Crusher Joe fall into the grand scheme of things? Maybe it's somewhere along the lines of Edgar Rice Burroughs science fiction pulp stories, in which a strapping earthman would find himself on Mars, cold-cocking a lot of uppity Martian warlords and romancing sexy Martian princesses (man, have I been there a time or two). More obviously, though, Crusher Joe is the sort of sprawling space epic that would be right at home in the early days of the comics. There's a gung-ho, anything goes bravado like you'd find in early Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers. Stripped of heavy speculation and halfwit philosophizing, Crusher Joe is science fiction that simply wants to be a rollicking good time, full of thrills and dazzle and wit. Luckily for us, it succeeds on all accounts.


Coming out in 1983, it is similar to Golgo 13 in that it exists with one foot in the style of the 70s and the other firmly planted in the glamour of the 80s. And like most features from the 80s, I find the artwork and animation absolutely beautiful. One frequently reads comments to the effect of, "Since it's older, the artwork hasn't held up well," and I've never understood or agreed with that assessment. Yes, it lacks the exactness of modern animation, but it also lacks the sterility. You can actually see the artists at work, sense their presence in the rougher lines and shading, as opposed to the more polished but less affectionate artwork that comes with computer assistance. Maybe that's just nostalgia talking, and I certainly don't mean to disparage modern artists and animators, who still do a bang-up job. I just really like the look of old, hand-drawn cel animation, and I don't get why people see its appearance as a short-coming rather than an asset.

I'm also constantly impressed by the sheer amount of action that gets drawn. Modern anime may have more expert, thinner lines and coloring, but it's often complex art shot static and without motion. Crusher Joe, like most anime features from the era, positively bursts with action. There is always something moving, something going on. The static frames are few and far between, and that makes the fat that everything was accomplished without the aid of computers even more impressive. To be fair, of course, this is a feature film, not an OVA or TV series, so there was more money and presumably more time to devote to making the animation both fluid and complex. Still, feature film or whatever, it's always fun to watch art that has this much happening in each scene.

The plot of Crusher Joe revolves around a team of Crushers led by a guy named Joe (Hiraku Takemura, who has this as his only listed credit despite being quite good). This may go some distance in explaining the title. The Crushers of this future (one in which, obviously, mankind has colonized distant planets and taken to spacefarin') are jack-of-all-trade types, specializing in hauling cargo. Anyone who watched Firefly should recognize a little Crusher Joe in the show, though I've always thought of Firefly as being more inspired by Cowboy Bebop -- though I'd also have to guess that Cowboy Bebop must draw at least some inspiration from Crusher Joe. Joe's crew consists of the beautiful princess Alfin (Run Sasaki, who worked on Super Dimension Fortress Macross aka Robotech before and after this, as well as Violence Jack and City Hunter), the beefy cyborg Talos (Kiyoshi Kobayashi, easily the most experienced of the main cast, with credits including Lupin III, Science Ninja Team Gatchaman aka Battle of the Planets or G-Force, a bunch of Mazinger stuff, Space Adventure Cobra, Golgo 13, Violence Jack, Gundam, and plenty more -- including some work on the live-action shows Zone Fighter and Spectreman, which happen to be two of my favorites), and weird kid Ricky (Noriko Ohara, who acted in Captain Harlock, Galaxy Express 999, Yamato, Macross, Urusei Yatsura, and some Doraemon stuff).

It's fitting that Kiyoshi Kobayashi acted in Gatchaman, since the crew of that show sounds similar to the crew of Crusher Joe. The big difference is that the Crushers are a lot less serious and not really prone to lengthy bouts of melancholy introspection while staring at their hands. Plus, the Crusher's princess is more likely to get drunk and take her clothes off. It was the decadent eighties, after all.


Joe's crew is employed to haul a young woman in suspended animation to a planet where doctors can bring her out of her coma and fix what ails her. Complicating the matter -- for what would such matters be without complications -- is the fact that she is the heiress of one of the most powerful interstellar industrialist families. They don't want news of her illness leaked to the public, and their opponents would be keen on getting their hands on her, by any means necessary. Things immediately go to hell when their ship runs into a warp anomaly that facilitates someone stealing the cargo, as well as the corporate stooges who were guarding it. What's more, after showing up way off course with no cargo to speak of and no record of the job, the Crushers are apprehended by an overzealous naval captain convinced they are pirates. The charges are eventually dropped thanks to the intervention of a member of military intelligence, but not before the head of the Crushers Union -- who also happens to be Joe's father -- suspends their license to operate. This culminates in Joe and Alfin getting drunk and horny, then drunk and violent at a local disco, eventually literally bringing the whole place down.

The agent from military intelligence seems to have his own nefarious schemes for which he wants to employ Joe and the crew, despite the fact that they're suspended. The mission will not only help them clear their names and recover the missing girl; it will also involve them directly in combating an out-of-control den of pirates that have taken refuge on a newly terraformed and still unstable planet. Even with this plot revealed, the true nature of what the Crushers are up against isn't revealed until the final third of the film.

Crusher Joe is packed with great action and snappy writing. Not quite Lupin witty, but close. There are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments sprinkled throughout the fist fights and laser battles, creating an atmosphere not unlike some of the sillier episodes of Cowboy Bebop or Patlabor. Everything is simply nothing more or less than a two-fisted good time. Joe is dashing and tough. His crew is loyal. They tackle one dangerous situation after another. Like most pulp -- in this case, sci-fi comic books -- Crusher Joe relies on stock character types that viewers will immediately understand without much back story or development. Once again, the movie is based on previously existing material, but if like me you've never read a single word of the Crusher Joe novels, you'll still be able to understand everything about the characters, because they are the stock players in any good science fiction story. But you still get emotionally engaged by them, because what the movie does with stock characters and recognizable situations is excellent. There are no new stories, after all. The trick is in the execution, and Crusher Joe is razor-sharp and well-honed in it's handing of sci-fi pulp chestnuts.

And speaking of stories -- it's worth mentioning that Crusher Joe has one of the most comprehensible, straight-forward, and non-convoluted plots I've seen from any anime feature. There are twists and turns indeed, and the writing is never dumb, but it is easy to follow and crisply paced. It strikes a perfect balance between action and comedy, with a tiny dose of pathos thrown in here and there to give the film added depth. Crusher Joe has been lumped into the "space opera" subgenre, a categorization I don't particularly agree with, mainly because to me, space opera has to deal pretty heavy-handedly with melodrama. There's lots of haunted pasts and soul searching and tragedy. Yamato or Harlock, or Gundam -- now those are space operas; romances played out across a sweeping epic spacescape. Well, Harlock and Yamato have haunting tragedy and soul searching. Gundam seems to be less soul searching, more whining from the characters. Crusher Joe is less operatic and more Saturday matinee serial. It figures, why stare at your hand and read poetry to the cosmos when you get drunk and punch someone in the face? I have great affection for both types of storytelling, and just because a movie doesn't indulge in half-baked soul searching and waxing of poetics doesn't mean it's shallow or ill-conceived. Crusher Joe manages to pull off the stunt of being complex rather than convoluted. It's a different type of film from more morose and gloomy space opera, albeit one that is played out against a similarly epic background.

The script for the movie was written by director Yoshikazu Yasuhiko, but he was working from original source material by Haruka Takachiho, most famous for creating the original Dirty Pair (Kei and Yuri -- who also make a cameo appearance in Crusher Joe when Joe goes to meet the president of a planet at a drive-in movie theater that happens to be showing a movie starring characters who look remarkably similar to the Dirty Pair). He would later go on to found Studio Nue, the creators of the long-running Macross series.


I've said that Crusher Joe feels like an old 1940s sci-fi comic book, or maybe a Flash Gordon serial, and that's true, but if you really want to peg down the likeliest source of influence, you need look no further than the publication date of Yoshikazu's first Crusher Joe novel, Crisis on the Planet Pizan. It came out in 1977, hot on the heels of a movie that defined "space opera" for a generation or two -- Star Wars. I'm loathe to say anything was inspired by Star Wars, not so much because I hate Star Wars (I quite like the first two movies, and by first two, I mean the actual first two, not the ones George Lucas made a couple years ago then called the first ones) as because that makes people instantly assume that it's just like Star Wars, or that Star Wars itself wasn't anything but a solid example of classic pulp sci-fi storytelling. Obviously, the dates mean that Star Wars was an influence on Crusher Joe, but equally obvious should be the fact that Star Wars wasn't so much an original work as it was a reminder of past pulp glories.

Director Yoshikazu Yasuhiko worked as a director on Gundam before Crusher Joe, and did storyboards for shows like Yamato and Raideen ("Fade in!"). You can see a dash of Go Nagai's influence in some of the character designs Yoshikazu did for Crusher Joe. In 1989, he wrote and directed Venus Wars, another solid sci-fi action-adventure (though not nearly as good as Crusher Joe) that I'd hope to get to for Animeighties month. Oh well, next time.

So yeah, shame on me for skipping Crusher Joe for all those years simply because I thought the title sounded lame. Well, I'm here now to sing its glorious up unto the angels in heaven. The current boom in anime popularity -- this being the boom that has really pushed it from the ranks of a small, dedicated fandom and into the mainstream of American culture like never before -- has concentrated heavily on new material. It's not surprising, since we've already covered the average anime fan's disdain for anything more than a few years old, though it also has something to do with the fact that, although there are plenty of bad, popular anime titles, there are also a ton of really good shows and feature films coming out. However, some companies are starting to balance the cost of licensing new anime with the benefits of dumping their back catalog of properties onto DVD.

Thus, Animeigo gives us Crusher Joe, a film (there are also two OVAs, also included on the two-disc DVD) that has largely fallen through the cracks or got missed entirely as it flew into the States pretty much under the radar of most people. Now is the perfect time to acquaint yourself with this forgotten gem.

Crusher Joe is absolutely top-notch action-adventure storytelling, boasting smart writing, great artwork, a tiny dash of gratuitous nudity, lots of space battles, jungle battles, and a pirate named Big Murphy. When held up against the more ambitious efforts of the decade (i.e., Akira), it's obvious that the scope of its intentions is far more modest, but that doesn't translate into it being any less impressive. Crusher Joe sets out to be an action-packed piece of vintage comic book action, full of bold colors and swaggering adventure, and in that sense, it is a completely enjoyable and thoroughly resounding success.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 1 Comments


Friday, April 14, 2006

Golgo 13

Golgo 13: Kowloon Assignment: 1977, Japan. Starring Sonny Chiba, Callan Leung, Etsuko Shihomi, Emi Shindo, Elaine Sung, Nick Lam Wai Kei, Jerry Ito, Chi-Chung Lee, Yiu Lam Chan, Shu Tong Wong. Directed by Yukio Noda. Written by Takeshi Matsumoto, Nobuaki Nakajima.

Golgo 13: The Professional: 1983, Japan. Starring Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Tetsuro Sagawa, Goro Naya, Kumiko Takizawa. Directed by Osamu Dezaki, Shichiro Kobayashi, Hirokata Takahashi. Written by Takao Saito. Purchase from Amazon.com.


A thrilling part of Animeighties Month!

I don't know if this is the longest, most unfocused, and rambling review of Golgo 13 ever written, but man, it's gotta be close.

They say that it's important to always understand that what you see in the movies does not reflect reality (especially true in documentary filmmaking). In other words, you may believe a man can fly, but you probably shouldn't try it...or should you? Maybe the people who have tried to fly under their own power and plummeted to their death are just the few freaks in the world who can't fly, and the rest of us can...if only we'd try! Point is, although what you see in the movies doesn't always correspond to real life, sometimes you come across a movie that does, in fact, reflect if not the whole of real life, then at least your life. Sitting down to watch Golgo 13: The Professional for the first time in years, I was shocked by how closely the life of the titular globe-trotting assassin reflects my own. Landing in Malta or some other exotic location, shooting some scumbag, collecting my fat wad of cash for a job well done, then heading to my loft in an undisclosed location to make sweet love to whatever woman caught my eye when I was busy pounding down scotch at some seedy strip club bar where I was telling the other broads trying to grab my attention to, "Hit the bricks, baby" -- man, I've been there.

Since I've not written all that much about anime in the past, I do tend in these reviews to throw out a considerable amount of back story and trivia which I'd previously stated I didn't have at my disposal. Apparently, I was wrong about not having it, and I've collected more useless facts than I realized about certain titles over the years. But only certain titles. I have my tastes, and I've always watched anime based on whether or not the title falls within that range of interest, as opposed to watching something simply because it was anime even though it falls outside of my highbrow taste range. Thus, the vast and popular world of things like romantic comedy anime, sports anime, maid/servant anime -- these things are wastelands into which I never wander. I know nothing about them and, frankly, I don't really want to, no matter how many people tell me I should watch Love Hina. Ain't gonna do it. Does it have bad-ass globe-trotting assassins splattering brains all over a high rise building's penthouse window before wandering off the bed some moaning chick who implores him to "pull her trigger, lovingly and softly?" If not, then I ain't interested. I don't want to watch a bunch of doe-eyed little girls in maid costumes serve tea. I'm a hard fighting, hard drinking, hard loving man, like Golgo 13, and I don't have time to waste on weepy "doily anime."


So while I don't know much about a lot of the anime that gets the kids all fired up, I do apparently know more than I realized about anime that does fall within the scope of my interests, and a lot of it is going to come out in big floods during these reviews, because I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus, I'm sort of taking on the double task of reviewing a movie and also trying to summarize the entire trend of anime business and fandom in the 80s and 90s, so things may dovetail into points that seem to have very little to do with the actual movie title at the top of the page. Think of it all as one big long article, though, as properly understanding these films and my reaction to them requires the stage being set properly. This review, for example, will wander through the murky swamp of marketing 80s anime, the history of Golgo 13, Sonny Chiba, and comments about James Bond before finally getting around to saying that the sleazy Golgo 13 movie is pretty much one of the most bad-ass movies ever made, only I will make this point in much more florid and eloquent fashion than saying "this movie is bad-ass."

Although, really, Golgo 13: The Professional is bad-ass.

Plus, you know, it's fun to learn these things so you can use your knowledge of violent 80s anime to impress the gothic Lolitas at the next convention you attend, at least up until the point where they say, "What's Roujin Z?"

I've always handled anime titles less as anime and more just as another example of a certain type of genre of film, mostly because anime is so vast and varied that classifying something as anime and leaving it at that really doesn't give you any idea what to expect -- other than it will probably be animated. During the 1980s, however, and especially in the early 90s, there was a huge push by marketers to sell their newly discovered anime titles as defining the whole of the Japanese animation world. A stock parade of titles were always trotted out as being emblematic of the art form as a whole. Thus an endless procession of "These aren't your father's cartoons!" type of marketing campaigns. It was all wildly misleading of course, nudging one toward presuming that Japanese cartoons were all studies in brain splattering violence and violent tentacle rape (as epitomized by movies like Legend of the Overfiend, Golgo 13, and My Neighbor Totoro). Even a timid foray into anime waters quickly reveals this not to be the case, but you wouldn't know it based on the advertisement. Still, it happened that all the sleazy, gory, disgusting pulp trash was what I loved in both film and literature, so even if I knew there was much more in the world than the evil anime, I was more than happy to reel about in the filth of exploding heads and stony assassins.

This wave of anime was geared largely toward attracting the money of college students, which is an interesting demographic to target considering how much money the average college student has to spend. The hook was, of course, that these were taboo cartoons, crazy shit you wouldn't believe. And frankly, we were happy to buy into it, because a lot of it was crazy shit we couldn't believe. As someone coming from a cult film background peppered with action, horror, and martial arts flicks, much of the zanier anime that was being pushed at the time appealed to me, but it was also obvious that it was by no means a fair sample of the entire anime world. Still, that initial advertising campaign was phenomenally successful in establishing the average American's opinion of what anime (and manga) was: tentacle rape movies. Watching anime made you a pervert. It was dangerous, like listening to Judas Priest records backward.


This was also the first time anime was marketing to U.S. audiences as something distinctly Japanese. Like many my age, I grew up watching Battle of the Planets and Speed Racer, among other shows, as well as live action programs like Ultraman and Space Giants. As a youth, it never once occurred to me that these shows were Japanese. It never even occurred to me for the national origin of entertainment to matter one lick. As far as I knew, all shows and movies fluttered down from a wonderful magical realm built inside the gaseous clouds that enshrouded Venus. All that concerned me was whether or not the shows were fun. I didn't know that they were "different" from other cartoons because I didn't even realize they were "other" from other cartoons, except that they were about cooler things, like spaceships and monsters and karate, and not about lame things, like chubby bears who care about each other and little blue people who never catch on to the fact that Joeky Smurf's presents always explode, but never in a way that causes teeth and eyeballs to fly out in slow motion. And the people who released those shows here went to great lengths to cover up their Japanese origins (as if kids gave a damn -- this persistent idea that kids won't relate to something foreign still baffles me). I don't mean just the dubbing-- one expects that from shows aimed at kids -- but also changing all the names in the credits (because kids are such avid readers of the closing credits for cartoons).

When the big VHS wave hit in the early 90s, there was more of an effort to sell the titles as something strange and exotic and foreign; rather than covering it up, their Japanese origin was exploited and used as something that signified they were different, better, than their American counterparts. The films were often still dubbed, and the original names were often still replaced by American re-dubbers and producers names, but there was no doubt that the fact that these were Japanese cartoons (Japanimation, as they called it) was the big hook. In these early days, one of the pioneers in dumping poorly dubbed "not your father's" cartoons onto the American market was a company called Streamline Pictures.

Streamline, through a deal they arranged with Satan himself, managed to snag most of the high-profile anime titles that came out during the 80s and 90s -- or if they got something low profile, the marketing machine kicked in gear and made it high profile. Streamline was famous for making anime available in the United States, and infamous for providing some of the worst dubbing jobs this side of the Vietamese dub of A Chinese Ghost Story II I once watched, where you could hear conversations in the background, people eating lunch, sneezing, and at one point one of the dubbers yawning when no one was yawning on screen. Streamline's dubs were always technically proficient and artistically dubious, even at their best. For one, they had a tendency to make wholesale changes to the scripts if the mood suited them. For another thing, they tended to make awful acting decisions. Witness, for example, probably their most reviled dub: that of the original American release of Akira, which made some major changes to the story that made it even more convoluted than it already was, and also assumed that all Japanese biker punks would speak with thick Brooklyn accents.

Streamline was truly a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they got a hold of many of the best titles and made them widely available in the United States. On the other hand -- man, Brooklyn accents? And they seemed committed to never releasing anything subtitled, where as other fledgling companies like U.S. Manga, AnimEgo, and Viz would often release a dubbed and a subtitled version. So for many of us, the first time we ever experienced films like Akira and Golgo 13 was via the laughably bad dubbed Streamline editions.

Such was the case for me when I first watched Golgo 13, a feature film adaptation of a long-running Japanese comic book that was aimed primarily at bitter guys in dead-end salaryman jobs who harbored daydreams of being tough-as-nails murderous sex machines but, in reality, were just nerdy guys reading a comic book on the train before they started a day full of kissing their boss's ass and shouting out the company cheer (much like me, except we don't have a company cheer, and I'm reading 60s spy novels). The Golgo 13 comics were created by an enterprising writer named Takao Saito, who got his big break in the business doing manga adaptations of the James Bond stories. Saito's Bond comics were fully licensed components of the James Bond world, but they played fast and loose with the original books, often having very little to do with them other than the title and some character names (basically the same as what would happen to the movies). Under Saito, James Bond became a radically different character in some respects, including being a master of disguise when the Ian Fleming books go to great lengths to point out that Bond absolutely refuses to use disguises.

Regardless of the lack of faithfulness to the Fleming novels, the comics were wildly popular and generally well-received by the average fan. However, the series eventually got canned in 1967 after covering Thunderball, Man with the Golden Gun, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and Live and Let Die. It has been postulated that the fact that the comics were so radically different from the original stories from which they took their name was one of the main reasons for the cancellation -- this would have been shortly before or right around the same time as You Only Live Twice was released as a movie, which was the first Bond film to really differ dramatically from the original novel (Casino Royale doesn't count). More than likely, however, the comics were considered to be original James Bond stories, and after the death of Ian Fleming, his widow was keen to see that no one else continued writing new, original James Bond adventures (we see how well that worked out for her).

Saito's reaction to the cancellation of his Bond series was to keep on writing it anyway, but change the character's name to Duke Togo, aka Golgo 13, a stone cold killer who will off anyone for the right price. Guilty or innocent, male or female, young or old, it didn't matter at all to Golgo 13. Saito's James Bond was drawn to look like Sean Connery (more or less), and anyone who has seen Saito's James Bond will instantly recognize it as being pretty much the same as his design for the mysterious assassin Golgo 13. Over the years, the Golgo 13 stories would get much more explicit than they ever could have under the banner of James Bond, but it's obvious that Golgo 13 is a direct outgrowth of the James Bond stories (with a dash of LUpin III thrown in from time to time), albeit one that's filtered through a gleeful willingness to embrace the increasingly permissive environment of the 1970s.


Free of the shackles of conforming to the Bond character, Saito was able to indulge his every whim and extreme and finally show the people that he, as a writer, was completely insane. Not quite as insane as Kazuo Koike (creator of Crying Freeman and Lone Wolf and Cub, among others), but still plenty nuts. The world of Golgo 13 quickly plumbed the twisted depths of pulp storytelling, serving up a steady stream of wildly popular action stories dripping with gratuitous sex and violence, which as I've said before and will no doubt say again, are the best types of sex and violence. Golgo 13 worked as a throwback to the hardboiled detective fiction of writers like Hammett and Chandler (who often wrote stories that are still surprisingly surreal and twisted) married with the gritty sex and violence of 1970s pop culture. It was pulp trash, through and through, but deliriously cracked in the head and unique in its approach, as opposed to being a simple regurgitation of pulp tropes. It was obvious that Saito had become some sort of sick, mad genius, the comic book creating equivalent of one of his James Bond villains.

The first movie adaptation of Golgo 13 came to us courtesy of a 1977 live action film starring a perfectly cast (in my opinion, anyway) Sonny Chiba and directed by Yukio Noda, who brought the world the 1974 pinky violence exploitation "classic" Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs (which later begat that horribly boring series of DTV Zero Woman movies in the 1990s). I shouldn't have to summarize who Sonny Chiba is. If you don't know, that's because you're a new jack chump with no action movie street cred. Get out and watch yourself those Street Fighter films, some Battles Without Honor and Humanity, and maybe some of his samurai movies. Less important is rushing out and grabbing Golgo 13: The Kowloon Assignment, which is pretty much the opposite of the action-packed, gore-crazed sexfest that was the animated Golgo 13 that came out a few years later. Kowloon Assignment is the movie to watch if you want to see what it's like when Golgo 13 just sort of sits around.

The story is pretty basic, as all good Golgo 13 stories should be: Golgo 13 is hired to kill someone, and the Hong Kong police department tries to stop him even though the guy he's killing is sort of a dick.

Sonny Chiba does look a lot like Golgo 13 in many shots, though sometimes it looks like the humidity is turning his coif into a frizzy fro. The film was shot on location in Japan and Hong Kong, and one would hope that means a lot of primo Hong Kong kungfu talent would be showing up. Unfortunately, it looks like the production skimped on hiring locals for the Hong Kong sequences, so instead of potentially cool team-ups like Sonny Chiba versus Ti Lung, we get Sonny Chiba casually evading a string of ham 'n' eggers like Callan Leung. Who the hell is Callan Leung? Surely Sonny Chiba had David Chiang or Lo Lieh's telephone number and could ring them up for a cameo. He does bring Chiba movie staple Etsuko Shiomi with him, and she always looks fabulous in action, even if she's only in the movie long enough for one fight scene before she gets offed. Still, one Sue Shiomi fight scene and a lot of Sonny Chiba walking down the street don't make for edge-of-your-seat cinema.

I guess there wouldn't have been much point to hiring top notch Hong Kong talent for the action scenes since there are hardly any action scenes anyway. Japanese live action cinema was pretty zany in 1977. Lots of weirdness all over the place, and yet somehow Kowloon Assignment, based on such crazed material, is incredibly tame and dull. The bloodshed is minimal, there's a naked boob ortwo, the fights are few and far between, and Golgo 13 isn't nearly as cool as he should be, possibly because that sort of stone-faced killer is more dynamic as a drawn piece of art than as an actual guy. All in all, a major disappointment on all fronts.

However, it'd seem unlikely that the Golgo 13 comic wasn't an influence on better, more successful Sonny Chiba films, and that more successful Chiba films would likewise prove to be influences on Saito's writing (or his stable of writers, as he was one of the few popular manga writers who doled responsibilities out to a team rather than doing all the work himself). In particular, there are some pretty significant parallels to be drawn between Golgo 13 and Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter anti-hero, Terry Tsuruga, a merciless killing machine who will take anyone out if the price is right, and kidnap your sister and sell her into prostitution if you can't pay. In fact, the original Street Fighter was the first to use a little gimmick where someone gets punched and the movie cuts to an X-Ray showing crushing bones and whatnot -- a technique that is repeated during the finale of the Golgo 13 animated film. It's too bad that the venomous mean spirit, nasty violence, and all-around sickness of The Street Fighter isn't evident in Kowloon Asignment. It would have been a much better movie if that had been the case.

In 1983, it was high time someone brought the Golgo 13 stories to life as an animated feature and, hopefully, did them right. This task fell upon the shoulders of directors Osamu Dezaki, Shichiro Kobayashi, and Hirokata Takahashi. It was a really bizarre trio of men to direct a movie packed to the gills with blood, gore, and sex. Shichiro and Hirokata both worked on Miyazaki's Lupin III: Castle of Cagliostro film. Shichiro is best known for his work on the Urusei Yatsura series, while Hirokata dabbled in Rainbow Brite. Osamu Dezaki was, at the time, best known for The Rose of Versailles, a flowery shojo (girly) anime that is every bit as emotional and melodramatic as Golgo 13 is mean and violent. Dezaki's trademark is a unique style of playing with the artwork, using split screens and freeze frames (all fairly common nowadays) that would become richly detailed still drawings that helped tie anime to its manga roots. All three men worked on Space Adventure Cobra in 1982, which must have prepped them for their work on the over-the-top macho Golgo 13 a year later.


Needless to say, anyone following Dezaki into Golgo 13 thinking the babe-bangin' assassin was suddenly going to have big girly eyelashes and find himself walking through spontaneous clouds of flowers while writing poetry and weeping gently as Vivaldi played in the background was going to find themselves somewhat out of their element. Working on original stories from Saito, Golgo 13 the movie is a shamelessly over-the-top work of grindhouse theater exploitation; an endless and welcome parade of cold-blooded murder, grim-faced psychopaths, statuesque naked women, and wanton acts of depravity, all of which revolve tornado-style around the central character, Golgo 13, who even after 40 years of comic book stories, has never revealed anything about his past. He is eternally thirty-something, with no home, no family, and no name. "Duke Togo" is just another pseudonym, since you can't sign into hotels under the name Golgo 13 -- don't think I haven't tried. Anyway, you should never confuse Duke Togo for Dick Togo, though they'd make a decent team if they ever decided to pair up.

What we do know about Golgo 13 (whose name is derived from the hill upon which Christ was crucified, as the Japanese love Biblical reference non-sequiters) is that his life consists of killing and sex. He is an expert marksman who prefers a modified M-16 but is at home with just about any weapon. He's an expert at karate, speaks just about every language known to man (even the clicking language of the Kalahari bushmen, I bet), a trained medic, and can instantly become a master of any other discipline if the plot requires it of him. And frankly, that's all you need to know about him. Golgo 13 operates within the arena of pulp fiction, which means it relies on audiences recognizing a series of archetypal stock characters who are what they are because that's what the story says they are. Golgo 13 is a master assassin, and that's all we need to know about him. Whatever expectations that character type has associated with it are expected to already be known by the reader or viewer. There is no call for complicated back story, or any back story at all, because pulp fiction doesn't dwell on such things. Whatever history you think of when you hear a brief description of Golgo 13 is probably right.

The movie wastes no time jumping immediately into the action. We meet Golgo 13 (voiced by relative newcomer Tetsuro Sagawa in the original Japanese, Greg Snegoff in the dub, who has a couple noteworthy Eurocult movie appearances to his name) as he is wrapping up one assignment and taking on another -- the assassination of a billionaire industrialist's only son, who is being primed to take over his father's empire. Enraged by the murder, industrialist Leonard Dawson (Goro Naya -- who has a lengthy list of voice acting and regular acting credits to his name, including Lupin, Peacock King, Vampire Princess Miyu, various incarnations of Kamen Rider, and both the live action and anime versions of Casshern) swears bloody revenge upon the wily assassin, even if it destroys everything he's built, and even if it means sacrificing his daughter-in-law to the perverse whims of disgusting hitmen.

And that's the plot. From there on out, Golgo 13 kills people, and people try to kill him. When he's not killing people, it's because he's having sex. Golgo 13 is a heady showcase of all the excesses that made the 1980s one of Japan's most infamously decadent decades. There's a lot of nudity and a lot of blood. People die in slow motion, with blood spurting brightly from gory knife and bullet wounds as their faces contort into that bug-eyed, twisted-jaw mask of death that is familiar to so many fans of 80s anime. No one gets shot once when they can get shot a dozen times, and no woman goes very long before coming out of her clothes, either by choice or by force. Golgo 13 even shoves a grenade in a guy's mouth and we get to watch the flaming body run around directionless while the surprised, fire-engulfed head tumbles to the ground in slow motion -- never mind that that's not how grenades work). Everyone, Golgo 13 included, is present merely to be abused in the most merciless fashion imaginable.

So it should be fairly obvious that I embrace the seedy excesses of Golgo 13 with unabashed enthusiasm. It plays the source material perfectly in that it never once goes for the ironic wink, nudge, or comedic interlude. Everyone is completely dead serious about even the most outlandish scenarios (like Golgo 13 killing a Nazi war criminal in the middle of an orgy by climbing a building and shooting all the way through another building to hit the Nazi in the third building right in the middle of the head), which really puts Golgo 13 among the ranks of the poliziotteschi from the 1970s, like Violent Rome and Violent Naples, which handled similarly outrageous sequences with the same sense of gravity (and also indulged in gratuitous perversity that would have been totally at home in Golgo 13). In fact, Golgo 13 the movie is equal parts poliziotteschi and Eurospy film, drawing on the aesthetic and amoral thematic climate of both genres (right down to Golgo's wardrobe, which wavers between the turtle neck and slim suit look of sixties spies and the safari jacket and ascot look of the 70s). Although released in 1983 and rightly considered "80s anime," Golgo 13 definitely maintains a blend of that and the previous decade.

Dezaki's approach to the artwork in the film is incredible. He makes wonderful use of his trademark split screens and other bizarre framing devices. The quality of the art is superb, achieving a raw and heavy gritty feeling that succeeds remarkably well at mimicking the shadowy noir look of old films, grafted onto the glam and neon of the 1980s -- sort of like an animated Michael Mann film, in a way. Golgo 13 isn't nearly as sleek looking as something like Odin (it's also not as boring), relying less on intricate backdrops and more on shading and mood, but the rougher approach suits the material perfectly. You'll find a similar though slightly more polished approach in Wicked City, albeit with the added bonus of a woman whose vagina is a giant, drooling, fanged spider mouth.


So that's the traditional cel artwork. Unfortunately, you can't really talk about the artwork in Golgo 13 without mentioning the ill-conceived and thoroughly abysmal CGI helicopter sequence. Dezaki and Shichiro worked together on something called 3-D Animated Homeless Child Remi, which sounds like something you really want to rush out and look for. I'm guessing this 1977 collaboration sparked their interest in the early days of CGI animation, and against all better judgment, they were hell-bent on cramming some into Golgo 13 at some point. And so we get the infamous helicopter attack sequence, in which the movie abruptly shifts from the richly realized cel animation to crudely rendered, jerky CGI completely devoid of detail. It looks like something you'd see in a real estate company demo at a county fair's expo hall. It's just so insanely bad that I can't even express how truly bad it is. The entire sequence only lasts a minute or so, but it seems like an eternity, because everything that has been so good up to this point grinds to a whiplash stop so Dezaki and Shichiro can fart around with their Amiga or whatever they used to cough up this sequence.

OK, you can't fault them for trying, but surely someone somewhere looked at it and said, "Fellas, this looks pathetic. I mean, this looks astoundingly awful. I'm not putting this in the movie." But somehow, the CGI animation made it into the finished project, along with some crude CGI during the opening credits, which is a lot less offensive because it's just during the credits and not integrated into the rest of the animation. Plus, that animation is of a skeleton with a Smith & Wesson, so that's all right.

The acting in the Japanese version of the movie is pretty much as good as you expect it to be. Watching it for this review was the firts time I'd heard the original actors. Normally, I just ignore English language dubs since I prefer the original language, however reviewing the English dub of Golgo 13 is worthwhile for a number of reasons. First, because it's a Streamline dub, and this is how people saw the film for years. Second, Golgo 13 is only in Japanese because the people who made it speak Japanese. Most of the characters are American, with a couple Italians thrown in. So it's legitimate to say that while Japanese is the language by which you should judge the film since that's what the original actors speak, it could just as easily be in English. Third, the Streamline English dub is just flat out hilarious even though it plays the material completely straight and resists the urge to "funny it up," the way other dubs often did with material this absurd.

Simply put, the Streamline dub is uneven. Most of the male actors are all right, but that's because they're either icy cold assassins or blustering psychos, and both of those are pretty easy to communicate. The women are less successful, speaking mostly in monotone run-on sentences. The script sticks relatively close to the original dialogue, but then why not? When the original gives you lines like, "Pull my trigger, softly and lovingly," why not stick with it? Playing it straight-faced only makes it sound that much funnier. The dub also peppers the conversations with a bit more profanity, but that seems suitable. After all, if it had originally been written in English, these characters would have cursed up a storm.


Streamline honcho Carl Macek wasn't hiring brand name actors, but his usual stock players weren't entirely inexperienced. Greg Snegoff, for instance, voices Golgo 13 and previously appeared in a few of our favorite bad Italian action films -- Last Hunter, Lucio Fulci's Contraband, and the post-apocalyptic She. Michael McConnohie is pretty good as the voice of Leonard Dawson, and he has more credits as a voice actor than a sane person would count. All in all, it’s not the best dub, but it's adequate for the style of storytelling. Certainly it's less scandalous than the old Akira dub with all its, "Dat peabwain?" nonsense.

Like many people, I refer to Golgo 13 as being pulp entertainment, but I should explain a little something about rampant abuse of the term "pulp," especially since it's going to come up a lot here seeing as how so much anime in the 1980s was inspired by old pulp style storytelling. Technically, when I say, "pulp," I should be referring to a very specific set of stories -- in other words, serialized fiction that appeared in pulp magazines covering a wide range of "lowbrow" genres like science fiction, crime, espionage, romance, and Westerns. Odin is a perfect example of the sort of pulp storytelling you get from a 40s or 50s sci-fi magazine.

Of course, pulp isn't so narrowly defined a word these days, thanks in no small part to Quentin Tarantino adopting it to describe the grindhouse cinema of the 60s and 70s, which definitely boasted some pulp story sensibilities. But it also includes the deluge of cheap spy novels that came out in the wake of Ian Fleming's James Bond. I've called these books pulp fiction, simply because it's something that conjures up a specific feel for most people that accurately reflects the books, but any true pulp fan would write (and they have) to correct me. Those books aren't technically pulp. Potboilers, maybe. But not pulp.

Golgo 13 adheres more to post-Bond definition of pulp. It has roots firmly planted in the sensationalist action-adventure fiction of the sixties and seventies, as well as in the gritty sleaze of 1970s grindhouse cinema which now falls under the banner of pulp fiction to many people.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that so more people don't write me to explain what pulp fiction actually is versus what it's known as today. I get it -- but I still think it's valid for the term to have evolved from its original meaning. And that said, Golgo 13 is hardcore grindhouse insanity. It's brash, offensive, mean, and so completely absurd that there's no real way for a rational being to find it truly offensive. It's cheerfully perverse and delightfully violent. It didn't make all that big an impact upon it's release in America, and despite the enduring popularity of the comics, Golgo 13 only found his way to the screen once more, in the lackluster Golgo 13: Queen Bee released some years later. Since then, the Golgo 13 anime has sort of fallen through the cracks, which is a shame because it's a spectacular and totally irredeemable piece of movie making, packed end to end with action and insanity. Without a doubt, it's one of my favorite titles from the 1980s.

Labels: , , , , ,

posted by Keith at | 9 Comments


Monday, March 20, 2006

Fire and Ice

1983, United States. Starring Randy Norton, Cynthia Leake, Steve Sandor, Sean Hannon, Leo Gordon, William Ostrander, Eileen O'Reill, Elizabeth Lloyd Shaw, Micky Morton, Tamarah Park. Directed by Ralph Bakshi. Written by Gerry Thomas and Roy Conway. Purchase from Amazon.com.

OK, let's talk some Dungeons & Dragons before we dig into the film review proper. It'll help you understand the background which makes it possible for me to so love a film like Fire and Ice as much as I do. It's also one of those inevitable subjects, and it's best we get it out of the way now. Geeks and nerds will always bring it up. For us, D&D is sort of like heroin is to skinny rock stars. You go through a period of brief flirtation, end up heavily addicted to the point where it destroys your social life, and you sit around, all high on your drug, saying things that seem deep and philosophical to you but are really just idiotic, like, "Man, what if you put a Portable Hole inside a Bag of Holding?" or, "Man, wouldn't it be cool if Gary Gygax was here right now?"

Then you go through a period of recovery, followed by a relapse, then finally get clean and spend the next thirty years talking about how you "used to do heroin" or "used to play D&D" to whoever has the misfortune of being in a position to have to listen to you. Possibly the only thing worse than people telling you stories about when they were stoned and stared at a wall for seven hours, or people reading you their erotic vampire fanfic, is crusty old farts telling you about how they used to roll the twenty-sided die -- and yeah, try sidling up to someone in a bar one night and asking them if they'd "like to roll the twenty-sided die." You'll be lucky if your potential mate-date doesn't yell, "Blee yark!" in your face and take you back to their keep on the borderlands to show you their collection of smoky crystalline dice that they store in a leather pouch they bought at last year's medieval festival.

Speaking of which, when did it become acceptable to show up to medieval fairs dressed as an elf? Since when did that become an acceptable historic recreation of the times? I mean, a sprite or a kobold I could understand, but an elf? For that matter, when did camouflage pants and combat boots become acceptable attire? For God's sake, man, where're your jerkins??? I think if you're going to dress up for a medieval fair, you should have to meet some minimum standard of historical accuracy. At the very least, you shouldn't be able to wear a long Fruit of the Loom t-shirt with a belt cinched around it. It should be like dining at a fancy restaurant. You don't have proper attire? Well, sir, please don this complimentary King Henry VIII robe. OK, hoi polloi I can excuse, but the people who actively take part in the festival events? It just doesn't seem fair to me that some guy went out and forged his own full suit of plate mail armor, and then the guy next to him bought two rolls of Reynolds Wrap and a sheet of poster board.


But this is just one of those things, like how Paganism makes me mad because it's all fruity sweetness and light hippies flitting about and saying "Blessed be!" and "Goddess bless you," instead of doing what it was Pagans were busy doing before the sixties ruined it all, which was hitting people in the chest with giant battle axes then drinking blood from the cleaved skulls of their enemies. We didn't "drum circle" the Romans out of Scotland, people.

I'm just saying that if you are dressing up for the Renaissance Festival, at the very least you should have to invest in a pair of those tan rawhide Robin Hood boots that were popular with the pickup-driving guys when I was a kid.

Still, I suppose it could be worse. Anime fandom seems to have been overrun by fat guys dressed as cats, where all they do is draw whiskers on their face and throw on some cardboard ears and a pipe cleaner tail. You know what that outfit is, buddy? That's what the loser kid throws together for Halloween. Some people spend hours and hours crafted outrageously complex and detailed costumes to showcase their nerdiness. I think those people should be allowed to kick the ass of anyone who shows up dressed as a cat person, wearing normal clothes but with a cheap tail and ears taped to themselves. Likewise, the guy who makes his own authentic armor should be able to use his Morning Star of Clobberin' +3 on anyone who show sup to a medieval fair wearing their normal clothes, but with a cape thrown on.

I mean, this is why Civil War reinacters don't give you guys no respect, man.

So where was I? Sorry, I can get pretty worked up when a topic is this important. So yeah, like many other nerds, I dabbled in the black art of D&D. Funny, in retrospect, how hysterical people were over the evil of the game. If you remember, D&D was going to either turn us all into devil worshippers (also fond of just throwing cheap cloaks over their street clothes instead of going all the way and putting on red Danksin unitards) or it was going to cause the youth of America to become so lost in this amazing world of make-believe and fantasy that all concept of the real world would disintegrate, leaving us with a society full of people wearing fake elf ears and cheap cloaks. Hmm. I guess they were right, after all.

My flirtation with this world full of dungeons and dragons began at an early age thanks to the fact that an old boyfriend of my mother's happened to be one of the early employees at TSR, so he funneled me a steady stream of the old basic and advanced box sets that came in the red and aquamarine boxes respectively. I guess I was in fourth grade when we put together our geeky little campaign, though back then D&D was considered less dorky and more dangerous, sort of like how video games were dangerous, then became dorky, and now are back to the point where thug kids host video-game related public access cable shows about them. For the most part, we'd gather at a friend's house, cheat on our character sheets for a while, consult various charts, then play the game for half an hour (usually Expedition to the Barrier Peaks, because we liked to equip our characters with lasers and such) or so before retiring to play outside or watch a movie.

Four times out of five, the movie would be a barbarian movie not entirely dissimilar to the game of D&D we'd just abandoned in mid-campaign. Actually, there was a 97% chance that the movie would be Beastmaster. But we've covered that territory before, so if you need to hear jokes about Beastmaster and watching barbarian movies, go back and read one of our previous sword and sorcery movie reviews.

Somehow, the animated Ralph Bakshi feature Fire and Ice managed to slip through the cracks, though I can't imagine it didn't make the early 1980s cable TV rounds. It's perfect late-night HBO fare. If I'd seen it back then, I would have embraced it whole-heartedly and probably proclaimed it the best thing I'd ever seen. Or something to that effect. Alas, it was never to be, and although Heavy Metal was inescapable at the time, Fire and Ice remained unseen by me until the recent DVD release allowed me to go back and see how Bakshi's sword and sorcery cartoon had aged over the years.

In brief, Fire and Ice is the animated feature film equivalent of trying to buy saucy fantasy comic magazine Heavy Metal at age thirteen, praying that the B. Dalton check-out clerk doesn't realize that the magazine is a veritable horn o' plenty of naked chicks riding dragons around acid-trip landscapes that look like something the guy down the street would have airbrushed onto the side of his custom van. And then, if you do manage to score, you have to forever hide the torrid tome amongst your copies of Dragon magazine for fear that the big-breasted zebra-striped woman on the cover might otherwise arouse parental suspicion, resulting in them just happening to randomly open the magazine to one of the naughtier Guido Crepax stories.

Ralph Bakshi is a director and artist who was at the forefront of a lot of innovative new ideas, but he was always at the forefront in a way that would only facilitate his ambitions crashing and burning, only to have someone else basically hatch the same idea a few years later with great success. Bakshi first made headlines by directing a raunchy cartoon for adults named Fritz the Cat, forever destined to be picked up by accident by aging vaudeville fans who mistake it for Felix the Cat. At the time of the film's release, the concept of cartoon movies for adults, packed full of cursing, drug use, and sex, was pretty alien, and it's likely that more than a few ill-informed parents took their screaming, crying broods out for a fun day at the cartoon movie only to discover after the lights went down that they were in a grindhouse theater full of guys in raincoats jerking off to anthropomorphic cat women (if you've been to an anime convention lately, you've seen that some things never change).

Soon thereafter, Bakshi decided that what he wanted to do with his time was make an animated adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's epic Lord of the Rings trilogy. To realize his vision, Bakshi would rely on a technique called rotoscoping -- that is, filming live actors, then tracing the artwork over them. Bakshi's ambition was admirable, but it was a fair leap across the chasm from ambition to realization, and The Lord of the Rings failed to make the jump. The film is an uncomfortable mish-mash of questionable character design (ugly gap-toothed hobbits, Boromir the Viking, Aragorn the Navajo), impressive animation, and shocking lapses in the quality of rotoscoping that results in frequent shifts from animation to live-action actors who look nothing like their animated counterparts horsing around against heavily tinted backgrounds. It also didn't help that funding was a major stumbling block, and Bakshi ran out of time and money two books into the three-book adventure.

Undeterred, Bakshi forged boldly forward, sticking to the fantasy formula for Fire and Ice, which was released in the immediate wake of Conan the Barbarian's success and the launching of the sword and sorcery trend that delighted us for so many hours when we'd grown tired of using our imaginations to slay trolls and other beasts lurking in the pages of the Monster Manual and beloved Fiend Folio. Where Lord of the Rings held the promise of Bakshi merging his adult-oriented artwork with the world of Tolkien, the hook for Fire and Ice was that it was an artistic collaboration between Bakshi and one of the most famous pulp artists of all time, Frank Frazetta.

Frazetta rose to prominence as one of the most in-demand artists of the heyday of pulp fiction, gaining particular notoriety for his illustration of Robert E. Howard's Conan stories, and while you can't exactly claim that he invented fantasy artwork, he certainly defined it for quite some time, up until the point when Haji Sorayama started drawing hot, naked robot chicks and Boris Vallejo picked up the fantasy art gauntlet. But Frazetta was The Man for decades, creating a style that showcased beefy, axe-wielding barbarians in furry loincloths and big-breasted, big-booty women in tiny, tiny magical bikinis. It would seem, at least in the early 1980s, that his artwork would be a good match for Ralph Bakshi's animation style. Something more adult-oriented, full of gibbering goblins, bare-chested barbarians, and buxom babes. Working from Frazetta character designs and the basic template of a fantasy tale as defined by decades of pulp fiction, and plagued as always by budget short-comings and a general lack of interest from audiences, Bakshi gave us Fire and Ice.

Fire and Ice involves a clash of two cultures. First, there is the evil, skinny blue guy Nekron, who would be played by David Bowie if this was a big-budget, live-action film. Nekron lives in a land of ice and glaciers and dreams of making the rest of the world as dismal and bleak as his North Dakota-esque ice kingdom. Standing in his way is the king of Fire Keep, who has harnessed the power of the volcanoes that surround his kingdom. Nekron's scheming mother devises a plan to kidnap Teegra, the hot big-booty daughter of the king of Fire Keep, and thus force him to negotiate a surrender. But being evil, Nekron's minions are mostly sub-human goblins who don't seem to be very good at much of anything other than riding atop advancing glaciers while hooting and waving clubs. Teegra escapes (using the ever-effective "look at my nipples while I writhe about in the water" method of escape), gets captured, escapes, get captured, so on and so forth.

Meanwhile, a hunky barbarian named Larn survives Nekron's attack on his village and takes to wandering the land, killing goblins whenever he happens to come across them. He and Teegra eventually hook up, and then a dude named Darkwolf, in a big wolfhead hood, shows up to do some damage as well. The whole thing ends with a wild assault-by-dragon on Nekron's icy fortress.

It is by no accounts a perfect film. Bakshi relies once again on the technique of rotoscoping, realized here in infinitely better fashion than in the awkward Lord of the Rings. Although this is once again a film made by first filming live-action actors on a soundstage, then animating over the top of them, there are no points at which we just get tinted footage of the live-action actors. The actual animated look is consistent, and the rotoscoping provides for very fluid and realistic movement of the characters. Unfortunately, Frazetta relies heavily on moody shading and lighting, and in that sense, Bakshi's animation falls flat -- literally. There's no real attempt, save for one or two scenes, at creating a sense of depth or lighting. Bakshi just doesn't have the time and resources to achieve such detail, and thus Frazetta's characters look less like Frazetta creations and more like Bakshi's character designs from Lord of the Rings, but better looking. There's also a funny part in one of the DVD extras where Frazetta explains that he always assumed that somewhere out there were women who looked like the women he drew, at least up until the process of rotoscoping, and thus needing to find a real woman to serve as the actress base of his design for Teegra, the booty-shaking daughter of the good king of Fire Keep.

Although it fails to capture the nuance of Frazetta's original artwork, Fire and Ice still boasts pretty good if standard artwork. It reminds me of how much I miss the look of hand-drawn animation. Computer-assisted artwork results in really smooth, really slick lines and shading. By comparison, something like Fire and Ice -- which was really a stylistic throwback even upon its initial release -- looks likes a series of animated sketches, with bolder outlines, rougher around the edges. But I really like that raw look, though I have nothing against the more refined lines of modern animation. The backgrounds are also highly stylized, almost impressionist, which means they look cool and were easier to draw. With more time and better technology, Bakshi might have been able to realize a more fully developed style of animation for this film, with more inventive lighting and shading, resulting in something that looks less like a bigger budget version of The Herculoids. But he didn't have those things, and the end results are still enough fun for me to forgive him.

In fact, the entire film was completed by just a tiny handful of artists working from Frazetta's character designs and Bakshi's live-action stars, which makes the TV cartoon quality moments excusable and the more richly realized moments truly impressive. One of the artists was none other than Peter Chung, who animated the dragonhawk finale and would go on to create his own scantily-clad, impossibly-proportioned heroine some years later when he wrote and animated a little show called Aeon Flux.


The acting is, at best, workmanlike, but it suits the style of the film. None of the live-action actors were anyone especially accomplished, unless you count an appearance on Glen Larson's Buck Rogers to be an accomplishment. Steve Sandor, who provides the voice of Darkwolf, is probably the most experienced actor of the bunch, having logged countless hours working on pretty much every television show that was made from Star Trek on. Luckily, the dialogue doesn't demand much of anyone, so they all glide by pretty easily and without anything really sticking as a particularly bad acting job, though a few huffs and puffs during running scenes are looped in a little too loudly.

The script by Gerry Conway and Roy Thomas (the duo also worked on the script for Conan the Destroyer, and both together and separately, worked on a number of famous cartoon TV shows, including The Transformers and GI Joe) is pretty paint by numbers pulp fantasy. It doesn't do anything you don't expect it to do, and each of the characters depends on you recognizing a familiar pulp archetype. There is no back story for anyone. We have no idea who any of these people really are, or why they're doing what they do. We don't know who Nekron really is. We have no idea why Darkwolf shows up and joins forces with Larn. The extras tell us that an original draft of the movie explained that he was Nekron's father, but that never shows up -- nor is it even hinted at -- in the finished product. The thing is, none of the characters really need a complicated (or even simple) back story, because the dependence on the target audience's familiarity with stock pulp characters gets the job done. Nekron does the things he does because he's bad. Larn is good. Darkwolf is cool and mysterious. Teegra is scantily clad (even for a fantasy film princess) in a thong and flimsy bikini top and has jiggling boobs and booty cheeks. If you need any more information than that, then you've missed the point of this type of throwback story, which is to show guys in loincloths beating up goblins, intercut with leering shots of Teegra's ass as she crawls through the swamp.

I would imagine a movie like Fire and Ice appeals to a very select population of people. It was a failure upon its initial release, though like most Bakshi films it built up a cult following after the fact. Measured against modern fantasy films that take advantage of cutting edge computer animation (Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy being the benchmark), something as modest as Fire and Ice can't really measure up, but you're sort of making a mistake if you pit a small-budget pulp fantasy movie from 1983 against something of that stature. Older fantasy fans, however, will probably find a lot in Fire and Ice that appeals to them, especially if they favor old-style pulp storytelling and artwork. I thoroughly enjoy Fire and Ice, beginning to end, and find it consistently entertaining and fascinating, not to mention beautifully realized despite the typical Bakshi-project budget constraints. It's a lot more enjoyable and successful as a piece of animated filmmaking than Bakshi's Lord of the Rings, and the influence of Frazetta, while not completely realized, adds even further to the old-fashioned pulp novel feel of the movie.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 4 Comments


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Yor, the Hunter from the Future

Release Year: 1983
Country: Italy
Starring: Reb Brown, Corinne Clery, John Steiner, Carole Andre, Luciano Pigozzi, Ayshe Gul, Aytekin Akkaya, Marina Rocchi, Sergio Nicolai.
Writer: Robert Bailey and Antonio Magheriti
Director: Antonio Magheriti
Cinematographer: Marcello Masciocchi
Music: Guido and Maurizio De Angelis
Producer: Michele Marsala
Original Title: Il Mondo di Yor
Promote It: Digg | del.icio.us


Not too terribly long ago, I wrote a piece on movies dealing with time-traveling barbarians. I went back and read it yesterday, because I like to reel about in my own filth from time to time, and I was shocked by how shoddy the craftsmanship of the article was. Not just the number of typos and sentences where I seem to lose my train of thought half-way through, allowing whatever I was writing to simply trail off into an incomplete and incoherent mess; those things are a given whenever I sit down to bash out a piece on my keyboard. Honestly, you'd be surprised by the accuracy scores I got in typing class back in high school, and you'd be even more shocked by my ability to catch and correct poor grammar and typos in a first draft when I bother to do such things.

But like I said, it wasn't just that. The article just wasn't very good. And while there is plenty of stuff that isn't very good on this site, most of what really disappoints me is now seven or eight years old, and I can dismiss its weakness as mere youthful inexperience and put whatever title was subjected to such embarrassing writing onto my lengthy list of things to rewatch and rewrite. Because, with some six-hundred or so titles in my queue waiting to be reviewed, what I really need to be doing right now is taking movies about which I've already written and adding them back into the mob.

But this time traveling barbarian movie article was only written a year or two ago, at a time when I thought my game had been somewhat elevated. It was disappointing to me, and I can't help but assume that at the time I wrote it, I must have been sober and possessed of ample free time that would afford me the chance to do a good job. When I find myself under those desirable circumstances, I generally tend to half-ass it. OK, not as if Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time or Time Barbarians really deserves anyone's whole ass be put into the effort -- especially considering the fact that it's obvious the people who made the film put, at best, a quarter of their own asses into it. But still, it's my site here, and I should invest a little care in what becomes a part of it, seeing as how the Internet is a record of the sum total of human knowledge that will be preserved for hundreds of thousands of years.


What really bothered me though, and this is where things start to get sad and you should all hang your head in disappointment for me, is that the substandard writing I did for that article means that the movie Yor, The Hunter from the Future didn't get its just dues.

Most people in the world will consider the just dues for Yor, The Hunter from the Future to be a swift kick to the groin of anyone involved in the making of the film. Doing a quick survey of Yahoo, Google, and the external reviews linked to from the Internet Movie Database will turn up a body of reviews almost unanimous in their disdain for the movie. Yor, The Hunter from the Future certainly isn't an unknown movie, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a single person out there, even among aficionados of bad movies, who doesn't feel that it probably should be an unknown movie. Sometimes it seems like the lone voice in post-apocalyptic wilderness is the guy who writes for www.antoniomargheriti.com, though even the film's own director has publicly stated that the film is awful.

And this is precisely why my moderately positive review of the film is such a tragedy. Given that I am apparently one of the two members of the Yor fanclub, it behooves me to write a better defense and review of this maligned slice of early eighties Italian exploitation. So it is with the soaring heart of an eagle -- but not the soaring heart of Ator, the Fighting Eagle -- that I return to the prehistoric world of Yor to rework, rewrite, and revise my review in the hopes that, if better constructed, it will convince some impressionable and pathetic young person out there to gaze upon the visage of Yor with a glimmer of sympathy and pity for those of us who get all worked up and tingly every time we here that triumphant explosion of synth-rock that is the theme song for Yor, The Hunter from the Future.


The words "favorite" and "Yor" have, to my knowledge, never been uttered together before, not even on the internet where all things perverse and profane flourish. In a medium where you can probably find a website with pictures of people masturbating with donkey hoofs while a Nazi shoves live eels up their butt, you can't find many people who will say anything positive about Yor, The Hunter from the Future. But unlike almost every other critic and film fan in the world, I come not to bury Yor, but to praise him -- at least mildly. My initiation into the strange and exclusive cult of Yor came in the eighties, when a film like this would actually get released to theaters with a considerable degree of fanfare. Conan the Barbarian had just stormed on to screens, and the Italians apparently possess a magical ability to forecast which movies will ignite remarkable trends, then rush out scores of imitations mere days after the original inspiration is released. I suppose it has a little something to do with business acumen, and a lot to do with the fact that most of these movies had production schedules that closely resembled the gestation period of a fruit fly.

These were heady days for young men with very little sense of decency in their cinematic taste. In a drunken run that began more or less with the release of The Black Hole and TRON, youngsters of the era were subjected to a seemingly endless parade of generally delightful bad films that was only made all the more intoxicating the day a friend got cable television. Whenever people bemoan the sad state of modern movies and complain about how much junk is getting dumped on the market, I feel I should recommend they take a step back and re-examine previous years. The problem with movie hindsight is that it is terribly myopic. Decades removed from any given year, we tend to only remember the exceptionally good (and in a few rare instances, exceptionally atrocious) films, thus giving that year an inflated position. Living in a year, however, we're exposed to every piece of crap that rolls out of the factory, and so the poor quality of our current time is much fresher and more evident than that of years past. It's the same phenomenon that makes it look like foreign countries make better movies than we do. Since we're only exposed to a select, hand-chosen few foreign films every year, we tend to get the cream of the crop. But as anyone who lives in one of these countries can tell you, they manage to make just as many wretched offerings as we do. We just get filtered content.


The big difference between now and then is the budget. It used to be that rotten films were confined to the ghetto of low-budget quickie productions, while films with a larger budget invested in them had shown some degree of merit. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule, and just because a studio and critics thought a big-budget film might be good doesn't mean it actually was. Things reversed sometime in the nineties though, and most of the good films had smaller budgets while the big-budget movies reeked of bloat, excess, and slapdash craftsmanship. Now we live in an era where people dump millions into films that previously would have been made on a shoestring.

To tie this all together into a poorly wrapped package, the grandfather of providing A-list financing for B-list concepts was Dino De Laurentiis. It started for him in the sixties, working as a producer for cheap "sword and sandal" peplum films. Although Dino's films probably weren't budgeted any higher than their contemporaries, most of the ones that bear his name look and play much better than the rest of the pack. In 1968, he lavished French director Roger Vadim with a sizeable budget for the piece of psychedelic cheesecake sci-fi pop art known as Barbarella, and thus began the producer's long love affair with throwing tons of money at silly concepts.

Now, what ties this in with Yor, The Hunter from the Future is the fact that De Laurentiis produced Conan the Barbarian. So yes, Italian moviemakers have a knack for latching onto a big trend and draining it mercilessly of its precious lifeblood. At the same time, most of the trends upon which they hop -- Westerns, peplum, zombies -- also have significant ties to Italy in the first place. A Fistful of Dollars may have starred Clint Eastwood, but it was an Italian film. Ditto Steve Reeves and Hercules. George Romero's Dawn of the Dead sparked the glut of Italian zombie films that shambled through the eighties, but it was made possible by the financial graces of Italian director/producer Dario Argento. And Conan was the fevered brainchild of Oliver Stone, John Milius, and a whole bunch of pot (one assumes), but an Italian made it happen. So in some twisted way, the Italians deserve to be able to rip these films off. Or, you know, something like that.


Anyway, none of us kids got to see Conan in the theaters, though there were few who didn't catch it on cable in between showings of Beastmaster. But we did get to see various, more family-friendly knock-offs, back in a time when family-friendly films didn't have to include spunky children but could include cannibalistic mummies and loincloth-clad women. Among those was Yor, The Hunter from the Future. Undoubtedly still reeling from the time she took us to the drive-in to see Treasure of the Four Crowns, my mom wasn't up for the challenge of taking a carload of kids to see Yor. I don't remember whose mom got suckered into Yor duty, but I'm sure she curses us to this day, assuming she hasn't completely blocked the memory. You know what, though? We loved it. We loved it more than modern kids love Harry Potter and Catch that Kid. You may have those movies, but we got to watch shit like Yor and Treasure of the Four Crowns, where people flew around on giant bats and had melting faces. Of course, we also had to endure our parents taking us to more acceptable kid-friendly movies, like that one where the kid from E.T. uses his BMX bike to evade trained KBG agents while soliciting cloak and dagger advice from Dabny Coleman. What was that movie called? Oh yeah, Cloak and Dagger.

Yor, the Hunter from the Future is by far the most ambitious, and thus goofy, of all the Conan knock-offs. It's the only one with the audacity to rip off its shock revelation from Planet of the Apes while also ripping off the inferior Apes sequel Beneath the Planet of the Apes, with just as dash of Conquerors of Atlantis and Star Wars thrown in for good measure. You got a hero in a loin cloth, some technologically advanced mutant humans hiding away from the primitives, and a surprise ending (well, midway point anyway) in which we learn that the ancient land of cavemen and dinosaurs we're seeing is not the ancient past or another planet, but is in fact a post-nuke Earth. Not surprisingly, star Reb Brown is no Charlton Heston and Yor, The Hunter from the Future is no Planet of the Apes. It's barely even Goin' Ape.

Yor begins as every movie should begin: with a peroxide blonde caveman bounding across a rocky terrain while synth-heavy prog rock screams madly in the background. Imagine how much better every movie would be with this opening. Kate and Leopold? Why not start it with a barbarian and thunderous prog rock, then move into the thing about the guy from Napoleonic times romancing Meg Ryan on the eve of her officially becoming a has-been? All those Mandy Moore films? Sure she's cute, but who can argue the fact that her sugary coming-of-age soap operas would be more palatable to everyone if they included a couple shots of a oily barbarian with Flash Gordon hair fighting dinosaurs while unintelligible prog-rock anthems roared on gloriously in the background? The whole movie doesn't have to be about that, because we already have that movie and it's called Yor, the Hunter from the Future. But maybe they could do something where, say, Mandy Moore is sitting in a malt shop (kids still go to malt shops, right?) or Meg Ryan is in a quaint upper west side coffee shop talking about relationships, and then they go, "Well, will you look at that?" And then we cut to a few minutes of a caveman using a giant bat as a hang glider or something, and then we can go back to the plot about finding romance and meaning in today's hurried modern world.

I think it would fit thematically, because it illustrates how in earlier, more barbarous times, life had so much more significance because times were so tough. We had to live full and hearty lives filled with adventure and passion and synth-rock orchestration, because we never knew when a monkey-man mummy was going to leap down from a perch in the woods and hit us in the face with a rough-hewn stone axe. Removed from that sort of immediacy, Meg Ryan's life is less vital, less passionate, and thus she has a hard time forging a meaningful relationship with modern men who are too wrapped up in banking or computer programming to ever take time out of their busy schedule to love a woman right or shoot arrows into a rampaging dinosaur's eye. But as the cavewoman Ka-Laa notices as she watches Yor bound mightily from boulder to boulder one fine, sunny day, Yor is not like other men.

Yes, Meg Ryan, now more than ever, as you see the roles you used to play being filled by younger actresses despite the fact that you are still "cute as a button," I think you have a little something to learn from the man called Yor.


Yor lives in "Barbarian Times," and comes from "the high mountains." I have a feeling Antonio Margheriti was pretty high in the mountains himself when he co-wrote this script. Yor spends his days scrambling over rocks and saving some cockeyed Jack Elam looking guy named Pag (Luciano Pigozii) and sexy cavewoman Ka-Laa from screaming, roaring, huffing, house-size dinosaurs that somehow manage to sneak up behind people in the woods. Most people can't sneak up behind other people in the woods without at least stepping on a twig, but what do I know? I've never been stalked by a dinosaur. Thankful for blond, loincloth-clad Yor's randomly showing up and saving them from a dinosaur (shades of Fire Monster Against the Son of Hercules), Pag and Ka-Laa invite Yor back to their village to eat "the choice meats" and watch women drape themselves in cargo nets and spin around. The difference between Yor and the rest of the inhabitants of this primal world is immediately evident. He has mastered hair bleaching and body-waxing; they possess tangled brown hair. He is clean-shaven while the rest of the men sport scraggly Mujahadeen beards. Only Ka-Laa's grooming prowess and hair teasing ability rivals Yor's. It is obvious he is "not like the others."

Unfortunately for Yor's new friends, everyone is a musical theater critic, and a neighboring, even more primitive tribe of hairy blue cavemen pillage the village and put an end to the twilrling rope dress dance, fulfilling the basic requirement of any sword and sorcery film that someone's village get pillaged, preferably fairly early in the film. It's likely that Pag's tribe was slaughtered on account of their phenomenally stupid "twirling rope dress" dance, but even if not, there's no arguing with the notion that the world was better off minus a tribe full of people who were continuously sneaked up on by snorting, stomping, bellowing dinosaurs.

Only Yor, Pag, and Ka-Laa survive the slaughter. Yor decides he wants to find out the origin of the strange metal medallion he wears, and thus discover the mystery of his own past. Pag and his big-haired daughter, Ka-Laa, join Yor on his quest. What else are they going to do? Their village was just destroyed. Along the way, they'll fight more dinosaurs, some monkey men, and Yor will grab a giant hairy bat-monster and use it to hang glide through a cave while the prog rock music screams out in joyous ovation to his heroics. Whenever Yor does something especially heroic, like hang onto a giant bat, we're treated to a thunderous explosion of prog rock glory that would be very much at home on Rick Wakeman's "Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table," the ice ballet for which was considerably less corny than Yor.


Yor eventually discovers a blonde woman living amongst the diseased primitives of the wasteland, and he is shocked to see that she possesses the same funky medallion as him. In her cave are other people, frozen in ice, and more clues to Yor's origins. As they quest about the prehistoric future, they slowly unravel the mystery of the disco medallion Yor wears, and they discover a group of advanced humans living in a space-age facility on an island. What mystery is this? As Yor draws closer to the truth, your mouth will be agape at the final, shocking revelation. These aren't prehistoric times at all! This is...the future! But who are these strange men in Ming the Merciless cloaks, and what manner of magic weapon do they possess that can issue forth a slow-moving neon pink dollop of light that kills a man? Gods, such sorcery! It turns out these are the last remaining survivors of a once-proud and technologically advanced civilization that was destroyed by nuclear war. All the pieces fall into place when Yor's medallion is revealed to be a recording of his family history. Why is Yor not like the other men? Because he is the child of one of the advanced survivors, a group of rebels who sought to overthrow the "Overlord" and were victims of a spaceship crash that left young Yor and that other blonde chick stranded in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. But Yor survived yet, and grew strong and heroic, and where his father failed, Yor shall lead another band of advanced survivor rebels in another bid to overthrow the Darth Vaderish Overlord, who seeks to obliterate all life and replace it with a new race, half-android, half-Yor.

If you think a mad scheme like that is going to cause Yor to have to do all sorts of crazy shit that demands prog-rock synth ovations, then you've been paying closer attention to this movie than most people. Amid it all, various people get on the space-age facilitiy's loudspeaker and wax philosophic at great lengths on assorted points pertaining to topics such as the folly of man, the worth of man, the future of man, and overloading the atomic reactor. Yor's "message" is, needless to say, half-baked and completely ludicrous, but heck. How many other sword and sorcery movies from the time even made an attempt at having a message, however cliche it may have been? You know, I was all for nuclear proliferation, brinksmanship, and the whole arms race until Yor, The Hunter from the Future opened my eyes and really made me think about how man harbors a tendency to abuse power he doesn't fully comprehend.


Athough Yor isn't a time-traveling barbarian movie in the strictest sense of how the intellectuals and academics of the world define "time-traveling barbarian," it's close enough to lump it in with the little sub-genre that erupted in its wake. Hard to believe that Yor could start a trend within a trend, but as one of the early entries in the sword and sorcery genre, it gets the dubious credit of having inspired the other time-warp barbarians like Beastmaster II and the dreary Time Barbarians. Ancient warriors traversing the fold of the space-time continuum in much the same way Conan trod the sands of the earth beneath his sandaled feet may be historically questionable (it's more historically viable to have barbarians traveling into space, like in the Gor movies or the second Lou Ferrigno Hercules movie. Or was it the first one? Whichever one where he goes to the moon), but it made good financial sense. Most of the cheap barbarian movies that came out in the 1980s required little more than some fake swords, fake armor, and only a couple locations: usually, a forest, a rocky desert, and at least one castle chamber that could probably be rented cheap from Roger Corman. But you could save even more money by sending your barbarian forward in time, almost exclusively to modern-day Los Angeles. Then you only needed a few barbarian outfits and probably only one or two forest shots before you could throw a goofy "time portal" effect up on screen and spend the remainder of the film simply following your muscleman around the parking garages of LA.

And there in lies the truly admirable - and I use that term loosely - thing about Yor. It isn't happy living within its means. Time Barbarians was cheap, and they knew better than to do much other than have some barbarians in the woods and then stage a fight in a rented warehouse. Yor, on the other hand, has dinosaurs, monkey monsters, bat hang-gliding, a city of tomorrow, mutants, messages about the folly of man, the twirling rope dress dance, laser battles, a robot army -- basically, enough stuff for the entire Star Wars series, all crammed into one cut-rate Italian fantasy/sci-fi action film. Almost none of these things are realized well. The dinosaurs are OK so long as they don't have to do much beyond swing their head back and forth. The fight choreography is sluggish and seems designed to maximize the number of times Reb Brown is shot from a low angle, jumping through the air to allow his loincloth to flap up and give the world a cheeky show. The city of the future (actually the past, I suppose) is about on par with the cut-rate "future city of the past" from the cheapskate Battle for the Planet of the Apes, which means there's some matte paintings, and then the whole thing was filmed in a pump factory somewhere, with some red and blue blinking lights attached to the pipes and metal railing. And don't even mention the laser effects, which result in an animated beam that moves about as fast as someone walking across a room.

But that doesn't stop Yor, which was based on a comic strip I assume looked a lot like a comic out of Heavy Metal magazine, from pulling out all stops and attempting to serve up a visual extravaganza that is far beyond its hope of ever successfully achieving. It's a naive movie on many levels. Though Margheriti obviously knew he was making something bad (the original version of Yor is a four-part mini-series that rarely, if ever, aired), the film itself doesn't seem aware of this, and it never seems to think it's doing anything other than telling one of the most important stories of all time. The lack of wink-and-nudge self-awareness is refreshing from today's standpoint, seeing as how we're buried under an avalanche of self-referential "ironic" movies that think they're the first ones to ever be so clever. But Yor plods along with a blissful earnestness that makes it charming in a weird way. It's also naive in that it really is fairly kid-friendly. There is no nudity, unless you count the disturbingly frequent Reb Brown buffalo shots (I am not a man who is afraid of male nudity, but that angle just isn't appealing no matter how buff you are). There's a lot of killing but very little bloodshed. And Yor is a decidedly classical hero -- well, respective to the standards set by this film. Let's just say he's a nice guy who does the right thing, as opposed to the grittier, lustier anti-heroes that populated saltier barbarian fare.

The acting is pretty bad, and there's a reason that Reb Brown never became a household name like Sam Jones. Still, it's not as if Reb is a total unknown, at least among the sorts of people who who would refer to Sam Jones as a household name. I mean, Reb Brown may not be Sam Jones, but at least he's not Dack Rambo. Reb starred in such direct-to-the-bargain-bin favorites as Strike Commando (yes, I own it), Roboforce (yes, I own it), and Space Mutiny (yes, I...oh, never mind). He appeared in another perennial sword and sorcery hit, Sword and the Sorcerer, though not in the lead. His brush with respectability came with an appearance in the film Uncommon Valor. He's probably "best known" for his turns in a couple abysmal made-for-TV Captain America movies and the film Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, which, oddly enough, I don't own even though it's one of my favorite awful movies. And just to ensure that no women ever want to talk to me again, his first film was, I believe, Sssss (give or take an "s"), and to tie this all in with Conan once again, he was in Conan director John Milius' 1970s surfing movie, Big Wednesday. What's really scary is that I am writing all this from memory, with no help from the imdb or any other source. So yes, with that amount of information, I believe I qualify as a Reb Brown biographer.


Reb has the sort of good looks you expect from a guy who isn't too bright (whether or not he's actually bright, I don't know, but he has managed to sustain a career). He's the good-hearted football player who falls for the cute, brainy girl with glasses and tries to impress her by making an earnest attempt to understand poetry (also an apt description of Yor the movie). He might never understand Longfellow, but he'll valiantly defend the brainy girl's honor against her nemesis, the mean football player with the catty cheerleader girlfriend. Since I mentioned the movie earlier, allow to once again make a connection only I would make: he's a lot like fellow bleach-blond superior caveman Reg Lewis, star of the sixties caveman/Hercules peplum adventure Fire Monster Against the Son of Hercules. There's a good-natured, everyman goofiness about him that takes the edge off the muscles.

Still, he's not an especially good actor, but he's not required to do much more here than look muscular (but not bodybuilder muscular) and hang-glide on a giant bat, so that's fine. His main squeeze Ka-Laa is played by one-time Bond girl Corrine Clery, who has a massive list of Italian film and television credits to her name (those, unlike Reb's, I had to look up) but is best-known for her turn in Moonraker as "that chick who flies James Bond around in a helicopter then gets killed." "Artful erotica" fans might remember seeing her naked in the title role of The Story of O, and less artful erotica fans might remember her from Lucio Fulci's Devil's Honey. It's hard to judge her acting here since she's dubbed, but she goes through most of the movie with a slightly dazed look, for which you can't really blame her.

Completing the core cast is Luciano Pigozzi as Pag. For years, I thought this role was played by Jack Elam. Looking back, I realize that Pigozzi is more like Jack Elam crossed with Lucio Fulci. Whatever, he has more Italian genre credits than a sane man can count, including countless appearances in many of Margheriti's other films, often under his Americanized name Alan Collins. Margheriti himself was rechristened Anthony Dawson whenever his films came to America. As if anyone cared whether or not the director of Yor was Italian. Pigozzi has his "stooped old man" bit down pretty good, but like everyone else, he's dubbed and has pretty inane lines anyway, so judging acting is moot. At least he has more facial expressions than Reb and Corinne. Everyone else in the movie is either a caveman or a future man, and they're primarily there to die, be menaced by dinosaurs, get shot by slow lasers, or make monotone speeches about the aforementioned folly of man.

The movie was made on location in Turkey, so there are quite a few Turkish performers sprinkled into the mix, including recognizable names like Aytekin Akkaya, who appeared in the beloved Turkish sci-fi kungfu extravaganza The Man Who Saved the World (aka "The Turkish Star Wars") alongside Turkish matinee superstar Cuynet Arkin, as well as playing Captain America (just like Reb Brown!) in the curious 3 Dev Adam, in which Captain America and Santo the masked Mexican wrestler team up to defeat the murderous, chain-smoking Spider-Man, who likes to shove women's faces into outboard boat motors (which is much better than what happened in Reb Brown's own Captain America movies). Akkaya also worked with Margheriti again on the decent Indiana Jones cash-in Ark of the Sun God, starring David Warbeck. So really, when you think about it, Yor is an amazing multi-national nexus point of exploitation movie talent.


Margheriti was one of the most prolific directors working in the Italian exploitation genres, and amid all the movies made so he could pay his bills, there are actually quite a few gems. Some are simply delightfully bad, while others are genuinely good. And his moody, atmospheric Gothic horror film Castle of Terror is a bona fide horror classic. His specialty eventually ended up being action, though like any Italian exploitation director, he's worked in pretty much every genre and scored a memorable (if not always good) film in each one, including science fiction (Wild Wild Planet), peplum (Hercules, Prisoner of Evil), Eurospy (Lightning Bolt), western (And God Said to Cain), and giallo ( Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye), but his specialty became cheap action films in the 1980s, often working with David Warbeck to knock off Vietnam war movies or Indiana Jones adventures. Even in his worst films, Margheriti infuses the proceedings with energy, and while his statements betray the fact that he really has no love for Yor (I think "No Love for Yor" might be the title of his autobiography), the movie still benefits from his touch. Special effects are bad, acting is bad, and the script is daft, but Margheriti is still professional enough to make sure he turns in a technically competent directorial job (decent lighting, no boom mics in the shot, etc).

As for that theme song -- I loved it when I was young, and I think it's still thoroughly rousing and utterly absurd, boasting all the theatrical bombast of Queen's work for Sam Jones' Flash Gordon movie (a Dino De Laurentiis production!), but relying less on guitars and more on synthesizers. Years later and farther down the road of no return, I'm a little more familiar with the stable of guys who wrote music for Italian genre films. My first guess, given the vocals and the over-the-top synths, was that this was probably the work of Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis, one of the most prolific score writing teams in the Italian film industry. They always relied pretty heavily on synths. A quick check of the credits revealed that, yes indeed, the DeAngelis duo was responsible. This correct guess coupled with my disturbingly exhaustive knowledge of Reb Brown's filmography should really make me worry. Anyway, beyond the theme song, the rest of the score is pretty standard "future synth" stuff. They didn't have the money to try and mimic Conan's even more bombastic "barbarian brass" orchestration. Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis have written some spectacular scores for some spectacular films. This isn't one of them, but man! I wish I had a recording of that theme song.

Most people list Yor among the worst movies of all time. It may have even won some awards to that effect. All I can say is that if this is the worst movie you've ever seen, then you haven't seen enough movies. I admit I have a soft spot for the hunk of junk, the same "saw it in the theaters" soft spot that makes me crack a warm smile even for a film like Treasure of the Four Crowns, and I still find myself enjoying Yor far more than I should. The revelation about the past being the future is not exactly as stunning as that first time you see Chuck Heston stumble upon the Statue of Liberty, but I don't figure anyone goes into Yor expecting stunning revelations. You go in because you want to watch cavemen do somersaults and have laser battles with robots.

Just remember, next time some half-crazed man in a leather cape stops you on the streets and demands, "WHO is the hunter from the future?" you just crack a smirk, take a swig of tequila, and say, "YOR the hunter from the future."

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 6 Comments


Monday, February 18, 2002

Conquest

1983, Italy. Starring Violeta Cela, Andrea Occhipinti, Jorge Rivero, Conrado San Martin, Gioia Scola, Sabrina Siani. Directed by Lucio Fulci. Available on DVD (Amazon).

After reviewing so many sword, sandal, and sorcery films, I thought I might be qualified to proffer an educated guess as to when "barbarian times" actually happened. Best as I can tell, they fall somewhere between the early neolithic era and the middle ages. The distant future becomes an issue in films like Yor, The Hunter From the Future, but using standard statistical methods means we can discount an isolated extreme event of time-traveling barbarians.

Still that leaves us with a pretty big gap, and it gets only bigger when you also work in notions about the proverbial "ancient times of magick and dragynns" that play host to everything from Tolkien to Dungeons and Dragons. Taking all that into account, and knowing what I know about history and the migratory habits of nomadic tribes the world over, I feel I can safely say "barbarian times" happened in the late 1800s and involved Teddy Roosevelt in some capacity, that capacity being one of a guy who grins and exclaims "Bully!" a lot.

You may feel like debating my conclusion, which is your right.

Anyway on to movie reviews. When the whole "buff guy on a quest through ancient lands" genre was revived in the 1980s, it meant a lot of people were rushing to make barbarian films to cash in on the sword and sandal craze. And when it comes to bleeding a genre dry, we know the buck stops with the Italians. No one abuses a genre more. No one squeezes more films from a dried up lemon of a dying genre than the Italians. And at the same time, no one takes the respective genres to such mind blowing extremes.

In the case of Conquest, a movie about fog and the things men do whilst enshrouded in it, not only do we get Italian exploitation at its weirdest, but we get it compliments of everyone's favorite film freak, Lucio Fulci. Though I'm often critical of Fulci and will always consider him and his films vastly over-rated, I also find a lot of his work intriguing, and I definitely find his vision and ambition impressive, even if the gulf between his dreams and his reality was often insurmountable. But for every crap horror film like New York Ripper that he cursed us with, he redeemed himself with films like The Beyond and City of the Living Dead, which while flawed, showcased a wonderful sort of mad genius at work.

What I always liked best about Fulci, and what always keeps me loving his work despite its shortcomings, was his anarchistic attitude. When he was told something could not be done, he would do it. When he was told something had to be done a certain way, he would raise hell and refuse. Sure his films are inconsistent, but the man possessed a passion for his craft, and a vision of his art, that was unwavering, inspiring, and all too rare. When you take into account that Fulci labored away in one of the most crass, greedy film industries in the world, his commitment to his warped dreams becomes all the more impressive.

His vision, of course, was to take film and make it surreal, hallucinatory, and fantastical. He wanted his films to have more in common with dreams and nightmares than reality, and he often succeeded. His style was frequently communicated at the expense of coherency, but how often are dreams coherent? What mattered at the end of The Beyond wasn't that it made no sense; what mattered was that it was such a striking, nightmarish image. Had Fulci become a painter instead of a filmmaker, I'm certain his work would have rivaled that of Dali and other surrealist masters.

Surrealism in film is a double-edged sword. On the one side, it opens you up to criticism from people with minds too closed to comprehend what you are trying to do. On the other hand, it allows you to mask your more embarrassing moments behind the guise of "surrealism" and "invoking a dreamlike state." At the same time, Fulci had to contend with his films being criticized for weak elements that were not his fault. He could not control the fact that the dubbing was often atrocious, that scenes were cut out or re-edited back into the film in the wrong order, or that the video transfer of a particular film was dark to the point of worthlessness. Yet critics always seem to target the film itself rather than these individual, after the fact elements. How many times a day does someone refer to the bad dubbing of kungfu and Godzilla films as if they were made that way in the first place?

Of course, Fulci was not always successful in achieving his vision, and this problem is apparent nowhere more than in his non-horror films. His forays into comedy are best left unmentioned, along with John Woo's early attempts at a career in directing slapstick. His westerns are average, and his one action/crime film, The Smuggler is a study in mind-numbing tedium until the final half hour. His science fiction film was marred by a low budget and cheap appearance.

But how would the master fare in a genre that was actually connected, at least tangentially, to his home turf of horror? How would he do in a genre that thrived as much as, if not more than, horror films on images of the fantastic and grotesque? In short, what would a sword and sorcery film directed by Lucio Fulci look like?

And the quick answer is that it would look misty.

There's actually more fog present in this film than in John Carpenter's The Fog, and there was a hell of a lot of fog in that movie, primarily because it was a movie about monsters that hid inside a haunted fog bank. You can't really make a movie about haunted fog without a lot of fog, and Conquest has even more fog than that. Even when they are inside caves and secret lairs everything remains foggy. Sometimes they even pump the fog in just for the hell of it.

The movie opens with a mail-order Zeus superimposed on a beach which is, of course, shrouded in mist. Other super-imposed characters loiter about, and one of them must be special because some women are strapping a leather vest onto him. There, now he can be one of the Warriors. The Zeus looking guy tells this guy, who is named Illyan, that it's time for him to become a great hero. Illyan doesn't look particularly heroic, so in order to pep him up a little, the Zeus type tells him a story about a great warrior who was fighting off some ne'r-do-wells with his bow, and when he ran out of arrows, the sun was so impressed with his valor that it offered up its own rays for him to use as fiery arrows with which he could fell his enemies.

Illyan finds this all pretty cool, so he sets out on his quest. I have no idea what the hell his quest was. I guess it was just sort of a general purpose quest. You know, trod the earth beneath your sandaled feet, fight evil queens whenever you can, walk around in the mist a lot. That sort of thing. So Illyan is sort of like Charles Kuralt.

While he is paddling around in the fog, we get a look at some cavemen types who are being hassled by some, ummm, werewolf looking things, or possibly the cast of Cats. The werewolf things are demanding monetary tribute from the cavemen, which seems like a pretty stupid thing to demand from people who haven't even figured out the wheel, let alone systems of money management and the use of QuickBooks. Pissed that the cavemen have yet to invent money to pay them off, the werewolf warriors squish the brains of an old man, then tear a naked woman in half while Fulci's camera lingers gleefully on the spilling guts in an evisceration scene that would be repeated in Demonia with even greater effect.

Meanwhile, Illyan's first act of bravery after rowing his little dingy from one fog-covered realm to the next fog-covered realm (I half expected to see Goliath the gargoyle and his crew rowing along next to the guy), is to save a cute primitive woman from a snake. Not a big snake like Conan fought, just a regular snake. Sure, it was venomous, but as far as legendary acts of valor are concerned, "he shot a snake with his bow from a little ways off" doesn't really rank up there among the most impressive. Now if he shot the snake, then did that thing where he split his arrow by shooting another directly at it -- well that's a different story.

Unfortunately for our somewhat weenie hero, who reminded me of disco Larry who lived above Jack and the girls in Three's Company, the girl runs off and he is quickly attacked by a gang of werewolf men. You know, it's bad enough to be attacked by a bunch of werewolves, but it's even worse when they are carrying swords. He fells a bunch of them with his arrows, but he runs out. Apparently, much like me, the sun was not all that impressed with Illyan up to this point, so no fiery arrows for him. He just gets his ass kicked.

Luckily, another hero, this one named Mace, happens by and defeats the werewolf warriors by waving a rock at them and doing some caveman-fu. What Mace doesn't realize is that someone, possibly Charles Manson, drew a funny symbol on his forehead the last time he fell asleep. Mace looks sort of like a middle aged Miles O'Keefe, and he has a fondness for those big bulky fur boots that obviously date him as the more primitive man to Illyan's cosmopolitan uptown look. Well, he may be primitive, but at least he doesn't get his ass kicked.

Meanwhile, in the secret lair of the sexy metal-head witch (as in her head is metal) who commands the werewolf guys, we find the witch nude and writhing all about. There's a lot of nudity in this film, even more so than in most sword and sandal films. The main witch woman, who I thought at first was named Okra, never puts a shirt on. This is fine with me, as it is historically accurate that in barbarian times, evil witches with metal heads and an army of werewolf men often did not wear tops. You can look it up in just about any history book, unless THE MAN has censored it. If you can't find the chapter I'm talking about, go up to your professor or your local bookstore clerk and demand the history book with the chapters dealing with nude barbarian witches.

Okran's writhing allows her to see a vision, which I guess is easier than piercing your nipples with bones, dangling buffalo skulls from them, and running through the desert before you collapse of pain and exhaustion and finally get to have your little vision quest. In the greater scheme of what people have to do to have their vision, writhing around in the mist while wearing nothing but a feather duster over your crotch is pretty easy.

In her vision, she sees a faceless man wielding a bow attempting to kill her. Predictably enough, she wakes from her vision and orders her monkeymen to find and kill this unidentified archer, which is probably what I would do in her place. At the same time, I empathize with any werewolf monkey man thing who gets the job of searching the entire realm for a guy with long hair.

We, of course, know it's Illyan, who is currently sleeping with Mace. You know, in a manly sort of way next to the campfire. The two become fast friends as they learn about each other. Illyan teaches Mace how to use the bow and arrow, and in return, Mace tells Illyan about how much he loves animals. If you think this is an unfair trade off of knowledge, keep in mind that Mace is a lot better in a fight than Illyan. So if he wants to talk about how much he loves animals, you have to listen. Plus, his name is Mace, and you would be advised to never screw with a guy named Mace.

Things really start to get confusing here. Mace and Illyan hang with the cavepeople, which allows Illyan to do a little breast grabbing on that cute woman he saw back at the beginning of the film. Mace falls asleep or gets stoned or something, and then the werewolf guys invade. Illyan gets his ass kicked, as usual, all the cave people get slaughtered, and Mace sleeps through the whole damn thing. Or maybe he was knocked out or something. Whatever the case, everyone is dead by the time he wakes up.

If you're beginning to get the idea that these two aren't exactly the greatest heroes in the land, you are right. Remember that up until this point, the only thing Illyan has actually bested in combat is a small snake. Mace seems tougher, but a lot of his ass kicking seems to depend on his enemies jumping really high up into the air so he can sort of guide them over his head and into a rock or something.

Well, Mace has to go save Illyan while Okran cooks her general as punishment for his failure. She summons up Zora, a guy in a metal bodysuit, who promises to rid her of Illyan. Mace and Illyan trek around a little, with Illyan constantly trying to get Mace in on fighting the evil Okran. Mace is either a Taoist or smart enough not to want to be saddled with a load like Illyan. He says he does not involve himself in such daring-do. He agrees to escort Illyan to the shore, since about the only thing Illyan is competent at is rowing around his boat. Unfortunately, they are attacked by magic arrows, one of which wounds Illyan.

While he rolls around breaking out in boils, Mace has to fight Zora and some other assorted demony type things. At this point, even a primitive like Mace has to be wondering why Illyan is the great hero if Mace is doing all the work. Illyan sort of reminds me of Ivanhoe, the medieval knight who got a whole book and mini-series named after him, but as far as I can remember, spent most of his time being wounded and sitting in a tent while everyone else had to fight and John Rhys-Davies bellowed "Saxon dogs!"

Mace gets a magic plant that cures Illyan, and it seems to also make Illyan smarter because he realizes what a complete failure he is as a crusading hero. He decides to pack up and paddle his sorry ass back to his own misty land, where they will no doubt be disappointed that he has returned to annoy them further. I'm pretty sure they picked him to go on the quest just so they could get rid of him, and I'm also pretty sure that they spent the interim period packing up the village and moving somewhere else so he would never find them. After all, you may remember they sent him on his way without actually having any particular quest in mind. They just wanted to get rid of him.

Illyan sails off into the mist, and Mace is immediately set upon by some pretty cool cobweb creatures who want information about Illyan. Mace can't tell them much other than the facts that he just ran for home with his tail tucked between his legs, and he pretty much sucked to begin with, but he sure knew how to bully a snake. They crucify Mace, mostly because it looks cool to strap a barbarian to a big wooden X on top of a cliff. But just when things seem lost, Illyan triumphantly returns! Boy, that must be a relief. His attempt to rescue Mace involves Mace accidentally being knocked off the cliff and into the ocean while still crucified. Hey, way to go, Illyan!

Luckily, and "luckily" has a lot to do with most of the things our heroes do in this film, Mace uses his special Aquaman powers to summon a school of dolphins. No, I swear. Since they all know he is an animal lover, the dolphins rally around Mace, free him from his binds, and make sure he gets ashore, at which time Illyan takes credit for the rescue.

Later that night, or possibly some other night, Mace and Illyan are asleep in a cave. Illyan is pulled down into a conveniently located pit of hell, and despite his shrieks of horror, Mace doesn't wake up. Or maybe he was awake anyway, and just hoping this would be the last he saw of Illyan. You know what they say. Waking up a man who is asleep is simple. Waking up a man who is pretending to be asleep is much more difficult. Is it coincidence that Mace has now slept through two battles, each one resulting in the capture of his tag-along, Illyan?

Eventually, Mace wakes his lazy ass up and realizes he must once again go save Illyan. The hell? Is this guy gonna get captured every time Mace tries to get a little shut-eye? At this point, the film throws us a wild curve ball as Illyan's head is ripped away from his body. I wasn't expecting that one. Mace discovers the corpse of his little buddy, cremates him, and in doing so, absorbs the power of the magic bow. Ahhh! See, he was the hero all along! Mace storms Okran's lair, and the sun must think Mace is at least a better savior than Illyan, because Mace gets the magic fiery sun bolts to shoot out of the bow, which is especially impressive since they're in a cave and there isn't any sunlight to be had.

Mace slaughters all before him, splitting open Okran's metal head to reveal her true face, a hideous ghoulie number. He then shoots her through the chest with a magic flaming sun arrow, causing her heart to explode. She transforms into a wolf and runs off into the wilderness along with that Zora guy, who also turned into a wolf at some point I can't remember.

If you're getting the impression that this is one weird-ass movie, then you are correct. The whole dolphin rescue thing was strange enough, but now we got this wolf thing going on. If Fulci's dream was to make movies that were hallucinogenic in nature, then he certainly succeeded in this warped little fantasy film. Constantly shrouded in mist, set on landscapes that are saturated with pink and orange and blue like some crazy messed up Yes album cover, Fulci creates a truly alien, phantasmagorical world. This would be a pretty boss heavy metal video, too.

It's an interesting juxtaposition to Conan the Barbarian, the movie that obviously inspired it. Despite a few things like a sexy witch and James Earl Jones turning into a snake, Conan created a more or less believable ancient world. There was nothing too terribly far-out to make us think that, with a few tweaks, this actually couldn't be a real ancient time. Conquest, on the other hand, is a complete fantasy realm full of purple glowing skies, cheap hairy monsters, cavemen, witches, magic, zombies, and lots of fog. It's serious van art territory.

I also like how the film subverts the expectations we have of a sword and sorcery film. There must be about a thousand films featuring a weenie young guy who becomes "the chosen one." He seems an unlikely choice, but during the course of the film's action, usually under the wing of a more experienced hero, the young lad becomes a man and, by the film's end, explodes into a whirlwind of heroic daring-do and bravery, thus saving the universe from some dark lord or other.

In this film, however, they set up the standard scenario, then quickly knock it down by killing the weenie guy and revealing that the bad-ass guy was the chosen one all along. It teaches us that you really should stop entrusting your fate to goofballs. It's an unexpected twist that caught me off guard, and that alone was reason enough for me to enjoy the film. Whether or not this subversion was intentional, or rather it's just the product of my pathetic attempt to justify my love of a rather stupid movie, is a decision you must make yourselves.

This film is generally regarded as the beast that killed Fulci's career, and indeed, his output starting with this film is spotty at best. He had a lot of problems during the making of this film that caused him to start burning a lot of bridges and isolating himself from the rest of Italy's film-making community. The guy was always difficult and temperamental, and having to make a silly sword and sorcery film only made matters worse.

Despite the many flaws, I like this film. It's definitely one of the best of the Italian Conan rip-offs, but being better than an Ator movie is not exactly impressive. The characters are mind-blowingly bland, a Fulci trademark. Mace is at least slightly interesting as the world-weary warrior and friend to all animals who has the role of savior forced upon him. Everyone else is pretty lame though. There's really no reason for Okran's evilness other than just being evil and naked. I mean, so your werewolves bully some cavemen. Big deal. It's not like their caves were nicer than yours. I mean, Okran's cave had cool disco lighting and a fog machine going. The cave people just had rocks and some fire.

Sabrina Siani, who plays the nude Okran, had a pretty eventful career in Italian sword and sorcery films during the 1980s, appearing in such genre treasures as Ator and 2020 Texas Gladiators. Andrea Occhipinti, who plays Illyan, also worked with Fulci in the mean-spirited and shockingly boring slasher film New York Ripper.

There are some slow moving parts, and the fights are not of the greatest quality since a lot of the attacking monsters have to set up their own stunts so Mace can throw them around. But for the most part, Fulci keeps things moving forward at a decent pace that is helped out by the sheer strangeness of everything we're watching.

If the monsters are cheap looking, it's hard to tell through all the fog and crazy colors, so as it is, I thought most of them were pretty cool, with the cobweb zombies being the coolest. And Okran is, of course, a naked woman with a golden head, so that's always cool. If ya gotta fight an arch-villain, it might as well be a naked woman instead of an old man or Rosie O'Donnell.

The soundtrack by Goblin member Claudio Simonetti is pretty annoying at times. It's about three notes on the synthesizer arranged in slightly different order from time to time. Generally, I expect better from Simonetti. While his work may often suck, it's at least original and complex. This sounds more like something Fabio Frizzi would have farted out. It gets a tad repetitive after a while, but I can live with that when the screen is filled with loin-cloth wearing barbarian men shooting glowing arrows at a naked woman and her army of werewolves in a magical realm of monsters and fog.

So while a lot of people hate this film, I tend to consider it one of the more creative, puzzling entries into the sword and sorcery genre. We expect gore and nudity from these films, but Fulci goes gleefully overboard, as one would expect. The warp factor is so much higher in this film than in other films of the genre, that I can't help but like it. In a sea of plodding carbon copy films involving muscular guys walking through the woods, it's good to run across something this freaked out, weird, and fun. Fulci fans may ignore it, and Fulci himself may feel that the thing ruined his career, but I actually find it one of his most enjoyable, original films, and it's also one of the best of the sword and sorcery crop.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Thursday, December 20, 2001

Eight Diagram Pole Fighter

1983, Hong Kong. Starring Liu Chia-hui, Kara Hui Ying-hung, Alexander Fu Sheng, Liu Chia-liang, Young Wang Yu, Hsiao Ho, Liu Chia-yung, Wang Lung-wei, Kao Fei, Li Li-li. Directed by Liu Chia-liang. A Shaw Brothers presentation. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

I turned the television off and sat in quiet admiration, realizing that I had just watched the greatest kungfu film I'd ever seen. Liu Chia-liang's bleak, violent masterpiece left a burn mark on my brain and remains, ten years after I first saw it, my favorite kungfu film of all time. It's uncharacteristically savage and brutal. Liu was known for making films tempered with wisdom and pacifism -- he directed more than a few kungfu films in which no one even dies, something very rare for the genre.

The number one source for the anger fuelling the film was the untimely death of the Shaw Studio's brightest star, Alexander Fu Sheng. Barely into his 20s, Fu Sheng had become the James Dean of the Hong Kong action scene, known for his love of fast cars, high rolling, and romancing women, one of whom was a budding pop star who grew up in Canada named Sally Yeh. Fu Sheng often played a hot-head with a heart of gold, and he carried that role beyond the screen.

There was no doubt that under the wing of phenomenal director Liu Chia-liang, Fu Sheng's star was back on the rise after a devastating accident left him with two broken legs. He stood to be as popular as Jackie Chan, who had really hit the big time in the 1980s and achieved a level of success hitherto unobtained by Shaw Brothers stars, most of whom had disappeared, defected to other studios, or were working with Liu. Alexander Fu Sheng was, in many ways, the studio's best hope to prosper in the changing times.

It all came crashing to a halt, however, when Alexander's penchant for fast driving finally caught up with him. He died in a car wreck -- living like James Dean, dying like James Dean. His passing, which occurred during the filming of Eight Diagram Pole Fighter, cast a dark shadow over the studio, which was dying a slow death of its own as Raymond Chow's Golden Harvest studio became the reigning king of Hong Kong cinema. With Alexander's death, the Shaw Brothers Studio watched any hope it had to compete with the new school disappear.

Fu Sheng was well-liked, and his death put everyone in a bad mood. It is this mood that colors the landscape of the film, which is relentless and oppressive. It opens on a battlefield, where the noble Yang family is ambushed and slaughtered. Before the credits are over, nearly everyone is slain. Only two Yang brothers survive -- Liu Chia-hui and Alexander Fu Sheng. Fu Sheng has gone insane after witnessing the murder of his brothers and father. Chia-hui is on the run.

Alexander returns home to his mother and sisters to deliver the bad news. Meanwhile, Liu Chia-hui seeks refuge at a Buddhist temple. He, too, is quite mad, driven by an uncontrollable rage and bloodlust. His demeanor doesn't exactly mesh well with the pacifist nature of the monks, but they take pity on him and humor his desire to become a monk.

The abbot of the temple visits the family to let them know their son is still alive, and his sister, played by the always wonderful Hui Ying-hung, sets out to bring him home. At the temple, Chia-hui practices pole fighting with a ferocity that upsets the monks, who explain to him that they learn to fight only to defend themselves from marauding wolves. Even then, they find only to defang the wolves, not kill them.

Of course, a toothless wolf would die a far more agonizing, drawn out death than one simply killed outright, but the movie doesn't bother with that.

When the men who ambushed the Yang family gang up and capture the valiant Hui Ying-hung, Liu Chia-hui leaves the temple to rescue her. The ensuing battle amid a pyramid of coffins is astounding. It has some wire work, but it's used fairly subtlely and not to achieve superhuman feats. The kungfu is fast and brutal, and just as the two Yangs seem beaten, Chia-hui's brothers from the temple show up to "defang the wolves." What follows is a chilling sequence in which the monks rip out whole sets of villain teeth.

The entire film runs at near breakneck speed, with the anger building and building until the stunning and cathartic finale. In the end, Liu Chia-hui is left wandering between two worlds, too violent to be a monk, yet too alienated to return to the troubled world. It's very much like the situation facing the studio and its stars. An uncertain future, unable to exist via the old ways, unable to fully grasp the new ways.

It's an explosion of emotion -- anger, frustration, madness, disappointment, confusion, and maybe a little hope. The humor Liu Chia-liang so often used is non-existent. The compassion is lost in the madness of the situation as the characters are swept up in the uncontrollable firestorm of rage. It is bleak, depressing, and ultimately open-ended. Liu Chia-hui's only revelation is that he is a beast unfit for life as a man or monk.

It's also one of the most effective, moving, and exciting kungfu films ever made. Everyone was on top of their game for this one, putting an extra effort into it to ensure that Alexander Fu Sheng's final film would be memorable. Indeed it is, even though his role in it is minimal because of his death. Eight diagram Pole Fighter is effective in every way -- as a parable about the fragile state of man, about the fragile state of the studio that produced it. Films would come and go, the Shaw Brothers studio would fade, but Eight Diagram Pole Fighter remains at the very top of my list.

Labels: , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Tuesday, February 20, 2001

Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone

1983, United States. Starring Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Ernie Hudson, Michael Ironside, Harant Alianak. Directed by Lamont Johnson. Buy it from Amazon.

Look, I never said I was proud of the things I liked when I was kid, alright? And I'm even less proud of some of the things I watched now, some twenty years later, all excited about realizing how stupid they are only to realize that while, yes, they are pretty stupid, I still don't dislike them nearly as much as I probably should. The fact of the matter is that those movies I saw as a wee sprout camped out on the floor of my friend's house soaking in the warm glow of satellite television absolutely will not budge from their lofty spot of "fun" no matter how much rational thought and taste I apply in my vain attempt to dislodge them, and you all know that I am, if nothing else, a man of impeccable taste.

Nostalgia is both a blessing and a curse. Or more accurately, it's a blessing to me and a curse to those around me who don't quite share the same sense of nostalgia. While I can hoot and haw my way through a very enjoyable screening of something like Treasure of the Four Crowns, most people around me who were not among the group of friends I went to see it with one evening at a drive-in do not share the enthusiasm. Revisiting these films is an exercise that transcends criticism. There is no way I can accurately analyze these films. They have taken on a larger-than-life existence within the frightening recesses of my mind, and rather than combat or feel ashamed by this, I chose instead to simply embrace it and go with the mental flow.

Nostalgia is also a fickle beast, however, and the movie Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone will illustrate this point in the form of a single character, or rather, a single actress: Molly Ringwald.

Scarce are the members of my increasingly thirty-something generation that do not look back with fondness on the "Brat Pack" coming-of-age films directed by the Horned One himself, John Hughes. They are looked back upon through the dangerous haze of rose-tinted aviator goggles and have thus attained near godlike status among many of my contemporaries. I, however, cannot count myself among the many who worship at the feet of this man-goat and his vile abominations. Though my peers often stare at me with dumbfounded disgust, I absolutely cannot deny the fact that I hate the Brat Pack and their insipid movies. I hated them when I was in high school, I hate them now, and I hate the fact that everyone has decided for me that these horrid little wretches were pretty much the defining voice of my generation. I maintain that no matter what the sociology books state, never in my life did I hear a single utterance from the mouth of Andrew McCarthy that had me going, "Yeah man, I know what you mean."

Call me infidel if you must, but nothing is more excruciating for me than to witness any one of these demonic creatures, except perhaps witnessing one of these demonic creatures when it is being viewed by a group of people my same age getting all teary-eyed and misty as they think about prom, homecoming, and Pretty in Pink. I mourn, mourn with open abandon, whenever I hear someone old enough to know better still yelling out "Booga booga booga, ha ha ha!" along with the self-centered, shallow cast of characters in St. Elmo's Fire. Sometimes people ask the question, "Do you want to live forever," and after giving it some thought, I generally come up with the answer, "Well, yeah." But I am aware of the fact that I probably won't be living forever, especially not with the crap I eat, and that when I die, if Christianity was correct, then I'm bound for Hell. What can I do? Not sin? Anyway, when I get to Hell, I have no doubt that, after the initial hazing that consists of things like the peeling of eyelids and skewering of the body, I will be placed in a theater showing nothing but Breakfast Club and other selected hits for all eternity. From time to time, someone from my past will wander in to beam about how these movies were the defining entertainment of our generation.

Molly Ringwald is, of course, the most towering icon of that nightmarish decade that gave us Ready for the World and pink polo shirts with the collars flipped up, that gave us Rick Springfield's cinematic blockbuster Hard to Hold and legions of girls in cheap-ass jelly shoes or Tretorn sneakers with the backs squashed down for some inexplicable reason. Molly Ringwald gave voice to the entire teen population, and that voice was grating, annoying, irritating, and incapable of anything beyond whining about "me, me, me." In that, I suppose it's not entirely unrealistic that she be the early mouthpiece of the generation that went on to give the world dotcom indulgence, new-age parenting and schooling, and endless Gap commercials. We took Robin Williams off the stand-up comic circuit and passed him off as a brilliant actor with a devastating mastery of the "smiling through my tears" expression. We bought single, white, sequined gloves out of vending machines at roller rinks. I'm well aware of the fact that my generation has not exactly done well with the responsibility handed to it by the previous generation of coke-headed disco fiends, and I think it all started to go wrong when Molly Ringwald became our spokesperson.

I never had any infatuation with Molly, preferring as I did genre queens like Pam Grier, Sandahl Bergman, and 1960s idols like Yvonne Craig. Partly my interest in punk coincided with the rise in Molly Ringwald's power, and I think that helped insulate me from her world where the prom was everything and Ducky's heart was breaking. But even I, with my long-standing hatred of all things Brat Pack, couldn't resist the temptation of watching that godawful erotic thriller Malicious that promised us bare Molly Ringwald breasts and endless jokes about how she had, in the words of Sixteen Candles, "gotten her boobies."

It was like watching your babysitter fool around with her boyfriend, or peeking in the window of the older girl down the block, or something like that. It was sort of a fitting way to finally put her career to a rest, because unlike Alyssa Milano, Molly didn't even have enough sense to do a more exploitive or tepid lesbian scene. She did, however, play a grown-up version of the self-centered whiner character that made her so famous. Has-been teen actresses always try to salvage a tanking career with a "daring" nude scene or two in an "arty" or experimental film. Of course, the artiness of these films is rarely anything more ambitious than turning on some red and blue lighting, and they end up being experimental enough to earn them a place on late-night Cinemax, one of the most respected circuits in the circle of "guys too chickenshit to just rent a porno."

Like those who came before her, Molly's baring of the chest didn't ignite her career the way she had hoped, nor give her an air of adult legitimacy, though it did give many a sense of closure and a few amusing screencaps. Men, of course, generally get far more respect for showing it all than women do. I'm not sure why this is, but idiocy is top on my list of possibilities. It's idiotic for a female to think showing her boobs on-screen will somehow make her important (hell, it didn't work for Lana Clarkson, and she hardly put a shirt on throughout the entire first Deathstalker film) or regarded as someone with more artistic integrity. It's idiotic for it to work the opposite for any guy willing drop his drawers for the camera and earn instant respect as a bold provocateur. I mean, let's face it, the reason men and women both like to see women take their clothes off is because your average woman doesn't do it very often. There is something taboo about it. Men, on the other hand, will get naked at the drop of a hat, especially if beer or a dare during a sporting event is involved.

So why does cinematic male nudity garner such respect? I don't know. I wish it would stop. I, while not being afraid of male nudity, could certainly do without yet another movie featuring Harvey Keitel's dangling manhood. If we're going to venture down the path of male nudity, however unfair it is that it is regarded as something more noble and artistic than female nudity (as if there is anything artistic about a body part as utterly absurd looking as the penis), let's at least have a little variety. All things considered, and this has nothing to do with homophobia, I'll take Molly Ringwald's breasts to Harvey Keitel's penis any day.

I bring all this up because while most people look back with fondness on Molly Ringwald movies like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, or possibly thirty seconds in the film Malicious, my favorite Ringwald vehicle has always been the low budget sci-fi classic Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. While few consider this a legitimate "Brat Pack" movie, it at least has the good sense to not feature a shower sex scene between perky Ally Sheedy and the pasty, mealworm-like Andrew McCarthy. It is, regardless of it's failure to attain Brat Pack status, a time capsule of sundry other stupid 1980s trends. It rips off Star Wars and Road Warrior, as so many movies did during that decade of shame. It stars the "lovable" Molly Ringwald as a character who whines incessantly. To top it all of, it was made in 3D. You can't get much more 1980s than this movie, folks.

It also has a typical 1980s plot in that it involves a group of supermodels. Pretty much 70% of the low-budget stinkers of the 1980s featured a group of models who either had to be saved or who were sold to us as one of the most elite fighting units in the world despite all on-screen evidence to the contrary. Movies like Panther Squad tried to convince us that the feathered-hair wraiths hobbling around the jungle in high heels, outrageous eye make-up, and vinyl mini-skirts were so amazingly adept at all things special ops that even the Israeli Mossad paled in comparison. It would make for some hilarious viewing if it weren't for the fact that this trend of trying to pass off 70-pound skeletal heroin addicts as powerhouse elite fighters wasn't still going so strong today. If I have to watch one more kungfu fight involving twig-like starlets who primary talent is actually finding a facial response to the command "pout for me, and be sexy, sexy like a marmoset!" barked in an effeminate Eastern European voice, then I'm just gonna swear off movies altogether. If nothing else, at least Spacehunter has the good sense to portray the supermodels as a bunch of ineffectual idiots who are, thankfully, kept out of the movie for most of its running time.

Peter Strauss stars as "Wolff," because all heroes in these movies were named "Wolffe" or "Wullfe" or "Hawke" or something similar. Never were they named "Salamander" or "Naked Mole Rat" or even "That Weird Amazonian Barbed Fish That Swims Up the Human Urethra." Wolff is one of the best bounty hunters in the galaxy, at least if you don't count that guy from Critters. His task, should he chose to accept it, is to rescue a spaceship full of interstellar supermodels. Why this is such an important mission escapes me, but so does why we should all give a rat's ass about how the pressures of superstardom have caused Mariah Carey to get depressed and lash out at us all by making the movie Glitter. The big problem with Wolff's mission is that the supermodels were all taken away to the forbidden planet where no one can go.

Wolff, to his credit, doesn't think this mission is all that important either, but it pays well, and he is strapped for cash. So he and his female android sidekick (says something about the guy, doesn't it), Chalmers, decide it's worth a shot. If you are like me, and I fear you just might be, then it's difficult to hear the name Chalmers and not think of Superintendent Chalmers from The Simpsons, which makes this movie a lot more interesting, but also slightly more disturbing. Down on the planet, Chalmers quickly gets wasted and Wolff tools around in his armored SUV, fortelling that all the children of the 1980s would eventually want unsafe, gas-guzzling sport utility vehicles to shuttle them to and from The Gap. Wolff enlists the aid of spunky space ragamuffin Nikki (Molly Ringwald) to sit next to him while wearing a tank top. She also agrees to be his through the Forbidden Zone, where they will no doubt meet strange mutants, battle oppressive gorilla regimes, and discover the fate of Charlton Heston's character, Taylor.

Well, they'll at least encounter mutants, anyway. And amazons, of course, because whether your movie was scifi, action, or sword and sorcery, you had to encounter some amazons during the 1980s.

That's pretty much the plot. A guy rides around with some jailbait space orphan, and together they fight mutants and blow stuff up. Not a bad life, really, but the same year this movie came out, Mark Hammil got to fondle Princess Leia in the metal bikini that has, and this time with complete and total good reason, become another of the icons of my generation. Peter Strauss, in the meantime, got to have a pubescent Molly Ringwald tag along with him and engage in one scene where animated glowing circles make her writhe about and disturb people. Look, Molly Ringwald may be annoying, but she does have a certain sort of "girl next door cuteness" about her. However, even an old lech like me gets slightly put off by watching a made-up Michael Ironside as the evil "Overdog" (more streetwise than the stuffier "Overlord") employ magic circles that force her to wiggle around. There is a reason that Carrie Fisher in the metal bikini has remained a timeless image from our past while teenage Molly Ringwald chained to the wall and rocking back and forth did not.

Complicating matters is yet another staple of the 1980s, Ernie Hudson, aka "the black guy from Ghostbusters as he is destined to forever be known as (curiously enough, Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman was executive producer of this film). Hudson plays a space sheriff (not Gavin) who is also after the reward for saving the vapid supermodels. Naturally, in true movie fashion, the two will eventually learn to work together and the black man will be stuck yet again as whitey's flunkie. How many black sci-fi heroes have there been? Not sidekicks, but actual leading heroes? I don't know about you, but I fear for a galaxy without color, inhabited entirely by pale white Han Solo simulacrums and whining space orphans. We can't survive on one Lando Calrissian, no matter how suave he might be. Or maybe it's just that, like Luke Skywalker, Lando knew that he could either put the moves on Carrie Fisher in her prime or frustrate himself with a screeching jailbait Molly Ringwald.

Michael Ironside, looking like a cheap imitation of one of those guys from Hellraiser except that Hellraiser hadn't been made yet, is over the top, as all good low-budget sci-fi villains should be. He, of course, sucks life out of people (much like Molly Ringwald's subsequent film career would do), and of course has a fortress full of mazes and booby traps, just in case you need to rip off Indiana Jones as well. In the end, Wolff rescues the supermodels, Nicky pouts about how he probably prefers their legal-age lusciousness and feathered hair to her jail-bait cuteness and tom-boy 'do, then they all brave the maze of death, blow stuff up, and have a big final chase scene across the barren landscape that attempts to be Road Warrior and ends up being slightly more successful than the scintillating car chase sequences from Mitchell starring Joe Don Baker.

This movie also teaches valuable lessons about how all planets in the universe are desolate, rocky wastelands not unlike what you find in Utah and other places where it's cheap to film on location. Few and far between are the planets where the inhabitants eschew wearing cloaks and rags and living in caverns in favor of wearing comfortable footwear and living in decent homes with well-kept lawns. No, it's the desert for them because it's more enjoyable to scavenge for food and speed around in dune buggies that look like something out of Junkyard Wars than it is to sit in your den and read the paper. Surely somewhere out there are basically suburban planets, or at least planets that aren't globes full of waterless, contaminated desert. When are they going to make movies about those planets?

In terms of special effects, they resemble the plot: they don't try anything all that special, at least nothign that can't be handled by the animation and latex make-up department. Personally, I prefer even bad "real life" make-up effects to good digital computer effects, but that's just me. I also prefer yellow Zingers to Twinkies, so it's not like I'm above criticism or anything.

Director Lamont Johnson's career consists almost entirely of made-for-television fare involving spies, teens gone wrong, and trouble at airports, as well as the amusingly named Cattle Annie and Little Britches. Nowadays, he's best known as a regular director of the television show Felicity, starring some girl's curly hair. His background in television as opposed to film is evident in this outer space adventure, as it rarely rises above the level of a competently made special of the week. It's not that this is an especially bad movie - in fact, as far as 1980s scifi goes that didn't star Harrison Ford, it's fairly quick-paced and harmless - but it fails to really achieve the grand scope of the films from which it steals. In effect, it is sweeping space opera done on a community theater budget.

The plot is serviceable. It doesn't try for much, and it manages not to fail at what little it attempts. If only Star Trek: Voyager had learned a little something from Spacehunter. Compared to the convoluted, idiotically written mess that many 1980s science fiction films were, Spacehunter is alright, and if nothing else, had the writing services of Len Blum and Dan Goldberg, who also penned the scripts for hits like Stripes, Meatballs, and the over-rated but still interested animated puzzler Heavy Metal. Basically, these guys wrote pretty much nothing but movies bad kids delighted in catching late at night on cable television. If they'd written a ninja movie, they would have been the total package.

The movie is also aided by a decent enough cast. Peter Strauss may not be Harrison Ford, but at least he's not Giancarlo Prete. He manages some degree of rakish charisma, which is more than most of the stiffs in similar movies could ever muster. Molly Ringwald is there simply to whine, and she does that. Michael Ironside is his typically hammy and evil self, somewhere between Klaus Kinski and Henry Silva. Even when he's a good guy, you keep waiting for him to something phenomenally evil, like make Molly Ringwald run through a maze filled with swinging razorblades and axes. I wish they'd done that in Breakfast Club. It would have made the whole "escaping from detention" sequence a lot more interesting. And Ernie Hudson is Ernie Hudson. He never delivers a bad performance, and yet he's only been in one decent movie. Go figure. At least he's one up on Charles S. Dutton.

When compared to similar fare from the same era, specifically Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn and other sci-fi films that combine two words into one, follow it with a colon, and then include some general statement about the action contained in the film, Spacehunter stars to look even better. It keeps moving along, is full if slightly goofy but "cool when I was ten" mutants, creepy caves, dumb future-vehicles that teach us in the future all vehicles will be sprayed liberally with that "faux rust" people use on new iron fixtures to make them appear antique, and enough action to help it succeed as a moderately enjoyable action movie even if the sci-fi trappings are a little derivative.

I loved this movie as a kid when I watched it constantly on cable and videotape (easier than getting on the five-month waiting list for the rental two copies of Star Wars available in the greater Louisville area). Looking back on it now, I still enjoy it despite it's dopiness and Molly Ringwald's never-ending whining. It'll win no awards for originality, and it sure as heck won't go down in history for much of anything other than being Molly's big-screen debut (if it even goes down in history for that), but it lives within its somewhat meager means and ultimately succeeds as much as any goofy space adventure movie can. Of course, nostalgia makes this movie better than it actually is, but that's okay since it's my nostalgia protecting me. I don't care what anyone says, Molly Ringwald lines like ""What do you think I am, you scruffy earthbag? I'm a woman!" are ten times more intelligent than any of the tripe she spewed in Breakfast Club.

Labels: ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments


Sunday, February 11, 2001

Heroes Shed No Tears

1983, Hong Kong. Starring Eddie Ko Hung, Lam Ching-ying, Doo Hee Jang, Ho Kon Kim, Chau Sang Lau, Cecile Le Bailly, Philippe Loffredo, Chen Yue Sang, Kuo Sheng. Directed by John Woo. Available on DVD (HKFlix).

Most folks cite the slick gangster film A Better Tomorrow as the breakout film for both director Woo and actor Chow Yun-fat. And that is, in part, true. It was the film that made them both household names (Chow far more than Woo), and it spawned hundreds of imitations. Where Jet Li's Shaolin Temple made mainland Chinese kids want to quit school and go join Shaolin Temple, A Better Tomorrow made Hong Kong kids wear Ray Bans and overcoats and quit school to join triad gangs. Woo must be really proud of that.

A Better Tomorrow didn't come from nowhere though, and a good film fan should be curious about how that film evolved from the muck that was John Woo's largely unsuccessful early career, which he spent making asinine slapstick comedies and other films worth forgetting or never experiencing in the first place. Woo's career as the high priest of "heroic bloodshed" began early on in his career with films like Countdown in Kungfu starring a young Jackie Chan and Delon Tam Tao-liang (and Sammo Hung wearing goofy Jerry Lewis novelty teeth in an otherwise very serious role). Things really started to develop in the fine film Last Hurrah for Chivalry, which again showed Woo's penchant for male bonding and gore. But this was nothing out of the ordinary for a kungfu film, and certainly nothing out of the ordinary for a disciple of legendary Shaw Brothers director Chang Cheh. It wasn't until Woo was able to add guns into the mix that he really began his journey.

The oft-ignored, intensely violent Heroes Shed No Tears is the first film to really mark his break from the inane and stomach churning slapstick "comedies" of his early years and his move toward gun-oriented action films. Heroes Shed No Tears is his Titus Andronicus. Shakespeare's early drama about feuding families is soaked in gratuitous gore and violence. Tongues are ripped out. Heads are hacked from their bodies then catapulted back to their loved ones during dinner. It is a nonstop parade of brutality, gore, and tastelessness that most Shakespeare scholars like to pretend never happened. Obviously, it's my favorite play by the guy, and it's important historically not just because it's his first published play (as far as I remember), but because it also contains all the elements and themes that would become the crux of Shakespeare's work. They are rough, raw, and not all that well written, but they are most definitely there, taking form like amoebas in a great primordial soup of dramatics.

Heroes Shed No Tears is exactly the same thing for Woo. It's horrifically gory and violent -- this is not the stylish, over-the-top ballet of violence Woo would become known for, but it's still a look at the outrageous lengths to which Woo would take gun battles. All the basic ingredients that gel in A Better Tomorrow, Bullet in the Head, and The Killer are present in Heroes Shed No Tears. They're raw and underdeveloped, but there they are. And just like Shakespeare fans ignore Titus Andronicus, most Woo fans have skipped over this mean-spirited little number in favor of his higher profile films. And you know, just like I love Titus Andronicus, I love this film.

This is, in many ways, a modern-day adaptation of the Lone Wolf and Cub story. The underrated Ko Hung stars as a soldier-of-fortune type leader of a ragtag band of mercenaries fighting the drug cartels in the Golden Triangle. For some reason, he also keeps his family nearby, which you wouldn't think he would do. I mean, if you are out with the boys killing drug smugglers, you have to expect at some point they're going to look for a way to get back at you. It's sort of the nature of the business, you know? And if, after a long day of shooting a bazooka at a warehouse full of heroin or opium, you hop in the jeep and drive down the street to the house where your family lives, well, you gotta sorta expect that the drug smugglers might go there as well.

But never mind that. Ko and the boys capture a bigtime general who is trafficking drugs, and no sooner do they have the cuffs on the guy than they are being pursued by vengeful lackeys. Fearing for their lives, Ko, his men, his son, and a couple other people who serve no real purpose other than to get in the way, all pile into the family jeep, which is really sort of comical. It's like a little clown car or possibly the antlers of the title character in Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose, where the moose had like two dozens assorted animals hitching a ride on his antlers.

The nastiest thorn in Ko's side is a maniacal military man played by the one-eyebrowed priest himself, Lam Ching-ying. A lot of people site Lam Ching-ying as being the soldier-of-fortune in this film. Obviously, those people are insane or just don't know who Lam Ching-ying is. He is the crazy general, not the noble hero. Sort of like me. He engages in a series of very bloody gunfights with Ko's men, and even bullies some spooky but cool local trackers to badger, kill, and set booby traps for Ko. One of the most notably Lone Wolf and Cub inspired moments comes when Ko's son is trapped in a burning field and buries himself to escape the flames. If you are up on your Lone Wolf stories (an incredibly violent series of Japanese comic books and films about a lone samurai assassin who roams the bloody countryside with his little son in tow), one of the films features a scene where wee Daigoro is trapped in the middle of a burning field and does exactly the same thing. Or maybe that's just something they teach in Asia, the "stop, drop, and bury" method of fire prevention.

As Ko and his boys fight their way across the rural landscape of ... Thailand? Burma? Laos? I can't remember, but as they do it they meet a variety of other-worldly characters, including a pot-smoking American soldier and his wife. The entire journey is somewhat surreal, and it actually reminds me a lot of Apocalypse Now in that as the journey progresses, things get increasingly primitive, alien, and weird.

Woo takes the violence way over the top in a grueling scene in which Lam Ching-ying, who has one of his eyeballs shredded (when Ko shoots it out through the scope of the sniper rifle Lam was aiming through -- a scene that has been ripped off dozens of times since then, including Sniper and Saving Private Ryan), extracts horrifying revenge on a captured Ko by attempting to sew his eyelids open. This is shown from KO'S POINT OF VIEW as Lam giggles and we see the dangling, bloody thread drooping in and out of our point of view. This is actually even more disturbing and gross than I'm expressing. When Ko is rescued, his son has to chew the threads out of his dad's eyelids. I don't know why he had to chew them out, but hey -- who am I to argue?

Despite the obviously low budget, Heroes Shed No Tears (especially when you sew their eyes open) has a lot going for it. It's pretty much non-stop action from the opening scene, and it's easily Woo's most relentlessly downbeat, gory film. That's saying a lot when you remember the films Woo would go on to make. The film is fast-paced and exciting, and best of all, all bets are off on who is going to die. None of the characters are all that well developed, but Woo has never been a master at realistic characters. His people are always caricatures, symbols, and archetypes.

This actually aids the film, because you never really know who is going to buy it. In a Hollywood film, you know exactly who will die in a war movie. The noble leader will die. The jack-ass of the bunch will have a heroic change of heart at some crucial moment, and he will sacrifice himself. The guy with the girl back home who writes him to tell him she's in love with someone else will probably die. The nerdy pacifist guy with wire-rimmed glasses and a notebook full of writing will probably end up having to kill a lot of people in the end, but he'll probably live and be the film's narrator. He'll also be named "Scoop" or "Squirt" or "Specs" or something suitably nerdy. In another life, he would be a zine editor.

But in Heroes Shed No Tears pretty much anyone is fodder for the cannon. You half expect even the main guy to buy it halfway through, or even the little kid. You won't find too many films these days that beat the shit out of a little kid with as much glee as this film does. And he's not even that annoying, so you actually feel bad for the boy. Despite shallow characters, Woo successfully makes you feel for their plight and root for them on their utterly unreal odyssey through a mad landscape.

And of course, there is lots of friendship, bonding, exploding, and slow motion gun fights. Woo would become a much better technician in later films, but there is so much passion and energy in this film that you can't help but be taken in by it. It's uneven in places, but it's liking watching a surreal wartime flashback. Apocalypse Now meets Lone Wolf and Cub meets Southern Comfort (the movie, not the drink). It's not Woo's most talked about film, but it's one of my all-time favorites, and like I said, a boiling primordial soup in which all his signature themes and stylistic innovations can be seen in their embryonic, rudimentary stages.

Somewhere in this nihilistic, wrenching experiment is Bullet in the Head, and even though it's goofier than that later Woo masterpiece, it's still right up there in terms of sheer fierceness. The casual fan will probably be turned off by the tremendously grueling violence or the low-budget look. Those who stick around and endure the eyelid sewing scene get to witness what is still one of Woo's most brutal, surreal, and surprisingly poetic efforts.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Keith at | 0 Comments