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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Where The Spies Are

Year: 1965
Directed by Val Guest
David Niven, Francoise Dorleac, John Le Mesurier, Cyril Cusack, Eric Pohlmann, Nigel Davenport
Music by Mario Nascimbene
Based on the novel by James Leasor

Many years ago, I read one of James Leasor’s Jason Love Adventures. It was Passport To Suspense, and had the hero battling neo-Nazis in South America. It was a rattling good read and I have always intended to read a few more of Love’s adventures, but I haven’t gotten around to it. But I have finally got my steel claws on a copy of the film version of Passport To Oblivion – filmed as Where The Spies Are (thank you RRD). I must admit that in my minds eye, David Niven just doesn’t seem like Jason Love, but anyway let’s look at the film.

The film opens with titles by sixties design guru Robert Brownjohn. Brownjohn also did the titles for From Russia With Love and Goldfinger – he also did the album cover for The Rolling Stones Let It Bleed. Unfortunately these titles aren’t as visually compelling as some of his other work. It is essentially a burning piece of paper, but we are compensated by a groovy instrumental theme by composer Mario Nascimbene (featuring an organ solo by Jimmy Smith).

After the titles, the film opens in Moscow. A British defector is lecturing a group of KGB students on some of the more covert Western espionage secrets. As examples, projected on the screen behind him are British agents and enlargements of the weapons and gadgets that they use. One of these M.I.6 operatives is Peter Rosser and he is stationed in Beirut.

The film then cuts to Beirut and to Agent Rosser. We follow Rosser to the Hotel Al Cazar, where he is captured by enemy agents and ultimately killed.

Back in England, the head of M.I.6, Douglas MacGillivray (John Le Mesurier) needs a replacement for Rosser fast. It seems there’s more trouble brewing in the Middle East (that’s a new concept). As security has been broken, they can’t use their regular agents. They need a man from their ‘B’ list. For cover, they check a list of events happening in Beirut that week. There happens to be a malaria conference.

There is only one doctor on the ‘B’ list: Dr. Jason Love (David Niven). M.I.6 think he is the perfect candidate, but now they have to convince him to go. M.I.6’s preferred method of coercion is blackmail. Love’s one weakness is that he is a Cord enthusiast – Cord being a make of car. M.I.6 offer Love a rare model Cord, ‘the Baron’. Love grudgingly accepts and sent off on the mission.

Love travels via Rome, where he meets a fellow operative, Vikki (Francoise Dorleac). As he has a few hours to kill before his connecting flight to Beirut, he heads back to Vikki’s apartment for, er, refreshment. In the end he overstays his visit and misses his flight. This is a godsend for Love, because the plane blows up, just after take off.

Love finally makes it to Beirut, and his adventure really starts. One of the characters Love meets is Parkington played by Nigel Davenport. And for a short while he gives this production the ‘toughness’ it has been lacking. In fact, on the strength of his performance, I’d have liked to see him play Love rather than Niven.

The film works and fails on Niven as Love. Niven is such a likeable actor that he effortlessly carries this production. It’s his screen presence that makes this film watchable. At the same time he is possibly too charming –and too old. Love, although middle aged is a man of adventure. His passion for exotic sports cars and fast driving indicate that he is a man who enjoys an adrenalin rush. Whereas Niven (at his age) is a man of leisure, rather than adventure. You would expect to find him in a fine restaurant drinking a superior bottle of vintage wine, rather than in a sports car with his foot mashed down on the accelerator. Niven’s a great actor, but he was simply miscast in this role.

The film itself, doesn’t seem sure of whether it’s a comedy or a serious spy film, and the shifts in tone make it hard to sit back and settle into this movie. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but I felt it could have been so much more. And maybe if they had got it right we would have seen more Jason Love films on the cinema screen.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs

Year: 1966
Directed by Mario Bava
Vincent Price, Fabian, Franco Franchi, Ciccio Ingrassia, Francesco Mulé, Laura Antonelli, Movana Tahi, George Wang
Music by Les Baxter

Programmed For Love And Destruction

Now this one is really hard to explain. In fact I needed it explained to me a few times before I really got it. Firstly in the United States, in 1965 there was a film called Dr. Goldfoot and The Bikini Machine, which starred Vincent Price as a villainous character called Dr. Goldfoot. In that film, Goldfoot made ‘girl-bots’ (it would be a few years until the term ‘fembot’ was coined) to seduce the world’s wealthiest men, and acquire their fortunes. Also in Italy, during 1965 a film was released called Due Mafiosi Contro Goldginger (AKA: Two Mafiosi Against Goldfinger), which starred Italian comedy duo, Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia.

Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs (1966) or Spie vengono dal semifreddo (The Spy Who Came In From The Semi-Cold) as it is known in Italy was made to be a sequel to both of them. Obviously, they were edited slightly differently to make the content more relevant to their specific audiences. I have never seen the Italian version, but I have been told that it is slightly better than the American version. But that couldn’t be hard as the American version is pretty terrible. Granted, the Goldfoot films were never intended to be more than cheesy light-hearted fair, but film lacks the one essential ingredient for all comedy films – namely comedy. This is the type of film that attempts to get laughs by speeding up the film and adding cartoon sound effects.

But I’ll be brave and soldier on. Seven NATO Generals are due to meet in Rome for a series of wargames. But before each of them arrives, each of them is sent one of Dr. Goldfoot’s Girl Bombs. The Girl Bombs are beautiful, life-like girl robots, but if you kiss them, they explode. And this is exactly what the NATO Generals do. Boom.

One assassination takes place at a hotel where Franco and Ciccio are working as doormen. When Goldfoot walks in, he is discreetly followed by Bill Dexter (Fabian). Dexter is an agent for the Security Intelligence Command (S.I.C.). Franco and Ciccio, for reasons known only to themselves, beat up Fabian, bind and gag him, and then drag him into the hotel’s bathroom. Meanwhile Goldfoot’s Girl Bomb explodes upstairs. Franco and Ciccio realise they have made a mistake and release Dexter, and follow him back to S.I.C. Headquarters. Here Franco and Ciccio get inducted into a spy recruit program.

Later, Colonel Benson (Francesco Mulé), the head of S.I.C. utilises the latest computer technology to select the two best operatives to investigate the deaths of the NATO Generals. Unbeknownst to Benson, Dr. Goldfoot is watching and listening to his every move. Goldfoot, crosses the wires in the computer, so rather than spitting out the names of the best agents, it gives the names of the worst, yep, Franco and Ciccio.

So now, Franco and Ciccio have to stop Goldfoot, whose plan involves impersonating the last NATO General, who he happens to be a dead ringer for. Buried under all this mess, there is a spy story. It’s a plot by the Chinese to take over the world. It’s the usual America and Russia destroy each other, leaving China as the dominant world power to take over. But having said that, if you’re a fan of spy movies, I wouldn’t go hunting for this one. Even if you’re a Mario Bava fan, I’d steer clear. This isn’t worth your time.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Never Say Never Again

Year: 1984
Directed by Irvin Kershner
Sean Connery, Kim Bassinger, Max Von Sydow, Barbara Carrera, Bernie Casey, Rowan Atkinson, Edward Fox as M, Alec McCowen as Algernon (Q Branch).
Music by Michel Legrand
Title Song performed by Lani Hall

James Bond is back! Never Say Never Again has a long tortuous production history which in itself could fill a book, and in fact has done so. For the definitive story on the making of Never Say Never Again and it's connection to Thunderball, you must obtain a copy of Robert Sellers book The Battle For Bond published by Tomahawk Press. It follows the saga from the late fifties through to 2006. Despite all the trials, tribulations and lawsuits, the end result is an ‘unofficial’ Bond movie with Sean Connery returning to the role that made him famous in the sixties.

The film is essentially a remake of Thunderball. The story concerns the evil crime organisation, S.P.E.CT.R.E., hijacking two nuclear warheads and blackmailing the western world for one hundred million dollars. Let’s have a closer look:

The film opens with James Bond storming a military complex in South America. A young lady is being held hostage and it is Bond’s mission to rescue her. Using guns, explosives and garotte wires, Bond eliminates the girls captors and enters the room where she is being held. He unties the ropes around her wrists and for his trouble, she reaches under the mattress, produces a knife and stabs Bond in the chest.

Hey, hang on! Where is the gunbarrel logo and the pre-title sequence? As this isn’t an official entry in the EON series, for copyright reasons, Never Say Never Again doesn’t have some of the familiar trapping that people associate with James Bond movies. Firstly, the famous gunbarrel logo at the start of the film – you know the one – where Bond walks onto the screen encircled by a bullets eye view of a gunbarrel – Bond turns and fires and a wash of blood covers the screen – well it’s gone. In it’s place are the numbers 007 repeated across the screen. And there is no pre-title sequence or cow-catcher as some people call it at the start. We are launched directly into the movie. Even Michel Legrand’s score, again for copyright reasons couldn’t use the James Bond theme. It is very different from other music in the series. Some of it is quite good; standouts include the Calypso sounds (including kettle drums) for Bond’s sojourn in the Bahamas, and the orchestral arrangement for the Tango sequence. But the title song, sung by Lani Hall is dreadful. And a small piece of trivia – the trumpet solo in the title song is by Herb Alpert who did the title tune to Casino Royale in 1967. So we are inside a movie that is very different to previous Bond films, and hard-core Bond fanatics may find it all rather disconcerting.

But back to the synopsis. Connery Bond had just been stabbed in the chest. Thankfully it is not for real. It is part of a series of wargames designed to assess the status of all M.I.6 operatives. But Bond’s death does not please his controller, M, this time played in a rather gruff manner by Edward Fox. Bond is sent to Shrublands health farm to loose a few pounds and get back into shape.

James Bond is not the only visitor to Shrublands. Other visitor’s include, Fatima Blush (Barabara Carrera), a killer for S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and Captain Jack Petachi (Gavan O'Herlihy). Petachi has had an operation on his eye, to make his retina identical to the President of the United States. Call me stupid, but where on earth can you find an image of the President’s retina, and secondly how can you replicate that pattern / image into the eyeball of another human being. Aside from that nonsense, Shublands happens to be conveniently close to a military base a base which in planning a training exercise with dummy nuclear warheads. Petachi’s mission is to go to the base, and using his fake eye as identification, change the dummy warheads, for live nukes. Bond realises something is afoot, but before he can act, he is attacked by Lippe, played by ex-wrestler Pat Roach. Petachi succeeds in switching the warheads, and S.P.E.C.T.R.E. get their hands on the nukes and hold the world for ransom. Soon after Bond is once again, called into service, and assigned to find the warheads.

Kim Bassinger, in an early role, plays Domino Petachi, Jack’s sister. Bond believes that if he gets close enough to her, he can find out about her brother and where the weapons are. Bassinger is certainly attractive enough, and while hardly being the worst Bond girl to ever grace the screen, she is a bit green in the acting stakes, and some of her scenes are quite awkward. However, she does have a few good scenes with Connery, particularly in a bath house, where Bond impersonates a masseuse, and on the dancefloor where they perform the tango.

Never Say Never Again’s underwater climax is slow moving and at times it is hard to tell who is good, and who is bad. It is the only true boring ending to any Bond film. It makes you long for the style of Terrence Young, and the ending to Thunderball.

The best thing about Never Say Never Again (apart from Connery) are the villains. The casting is generally very good. Max Von Sydow plays Blofeld, James Bond’s arch nemesis. Von Sydow is a stalwart of the genre (The Quiller Memorandum, 3 Days Of The Condor) and he adds a bit of weight to the role, although it is essentially a cameo.

The main villain is Maximillian Largo, played by Klaus Maria Brandauer. Largo is architect of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.’s plan to steal the nuclear warheads. Brandauer is a brilliant actor, and his slightly theatrical performance is a great contrast to Connery’s. Brandauer has the ability to change from totally charming (dare I say it - loveable rogue) to icy malevolence with a single gesture.

Last but certainly not least is Barbara Carrera’s over the top performance as Fatima Blush. Fatima is Largo’s number one assassin. She is deliciously wicked, outrageously dressed, and always very easy on the eye. She is the type of woman, who after seducing Bond (though, that isn’t difficult), sets a pack of Tiger Sharks onto him.

Other cast members include Bernie Casie as Bond’s old friend Felix Leiter, and Rowan Atkinson has a cameo in the movie as Nigel Smallfawcett, the companies ‘Man in the Bahamas’. The role is underwritten and not very funny.

If you are a fan of the Bond movies then you must watch this, if only to compare it to the official series, but be warned, despite the presence of Sean Connery, the movie is not very good.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Die Another Day

Year: 2002
Directed by Lee Tamahori
Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Toby Stephens, Rosamund Pike, Rick Yune, Judi Dench as M, John Cleese as Q, and Samantha Bond as Moneypenny, Colin Salmon as Robinson.
Music by David Arnold
Title Song by Madonna
Based on characters created by Ian Fleming

Is Die Another Day the worst Bond film ever made? In a word, YES! That’s not to say it doesn’t have any good moments, like the sword fight sequence in Blades gentlemen’s club. The fight is one of the most muscular sword fight sequences ever filmed, and the equal to many of the classic fight scenes performed by the likes of Basil Rathbone (The Mark of Zorro), or Stewart Granger (Scaramouche) to name but two. But Die Another Day, as a whole, is a very patchy effort.

The film starts well enough with James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) impersonating a South African mercenary selling conflict diamonds to the North Koreans. Particularly to Colonel Moon (Will Yun Lee) and Zao (Rick Yune). (For those unaware, conflict diamonds originate from African nations controlled by forces in opposition to their legitimate and internationally recognised government (such as Angola or Sierra Leone). These diamonds are used to fund military action in opposition to those governments. On 1 December 2000, the United Nations General Assembly adopted, unanimously, a resolution which forbade the trade of rough diamonds originating in these areas, in the hope of breaking the link between the illicit trade in rough diamonds and armed conflict. The recent film Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio shows why this resolution was put in place.)

Unfortunately for Bond, before he can complete his mission, his cover is blown. He escapes in a hovercraft, hotly pursued by the North Korean Army in their own flotilla of hovercrafts.

Ultimately, Bond and Moon end up wrestling on top of the same driverless hovercraft as it rushes towards a waterfall. The craft goes over the falls with Moon, but Bond leaps off at the last moment. His reprieve is short lived as he is captured by the North Koreans.

Here, dear readers, is where the films goes off the rails. Firstly, Madonna’s theme song is rubbish. This is not just a case of Madonna bashing on my behalf. I thought her song, Beautiful Stranger for Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me was a great pop song, but Die Another Day is sub standard.

Next problem is the title sequence. Bond’s torture at the hands of his captures continues throughout the titles. Daniel Klein, who took over the Bond title sequences after the passing of Maurice Binder, has proven himself over the past three movies. Let him do his job!

Once the film resumes, eighteen months has passed and Bond is still a captive. He is far from the suave, impeccably dressed agent we are used to. He is gaunt; his hair is long a matted and an unkempt beard adorns his face. But his incarceration period is over as he is swapped in a prisoner exchange, for Zao, who is now horribly disfigured with a diamond encrusted head.

Back in safe hands, Bond is not trusted. There has been an information leak and Bond is the obvious suspect. He is to be interrogated and locked up. Before this can happen he escapes. Clothed in a soggy set of pyjamas and with his hair still matted and tangled he marches into the foyer of an exclusive Hotel in Hong Kong. Of course, all the guests are disgusted at his appearance, but unperturbed, Bond walks up to the front desk and asks for his usual suite.

Within moments, Bond is cleaned up and back in a Tuxedo. Not long after that, he is in Cuba, tracking down Zao, the man he was traded for in the prisoner exchange. Bond traces Zao to Los Organos, a gene altering, transformation clinic. It is here that Bond meets C.I.A. agent Jacinta Johnson, A.K.A. Jinx (Halle Berry). Both agents are working on the same case but from different ends. But does this mean that they would pool their resources and work together? Not on your life. After a quick interlude, they go their separate ways.

Bond catches up to Zao at the clinic, but Zao evades capture. But he does leave behind one clue. Diamonds. These diamonds are engraved with G.G. While Bond was in captivity a young entrepreneur, Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens), has started a diamond mine in Iceland and had struck it rich. Bond finds it suspicious, that Graves’ diamonds should have they same composition as African Conflict Diamonds. He decides to look into Graves operation more thoroughly.

Although Toby Stephens is a good actor, he was fantastic in Cambridge Spies, in this film his performance is particularly ‘hammy’. Admittedly, he got lumbered with some atrocious dialogue, and equally silly scenes to act out. He comes off as a rather petulant young pup. When compared to the Bond villains of the past, he simply isn’t a threat.

My two major gripes, of the many things that I didn’t like, were the editing and the sloppy CGI. Editor Christian Wagner has adopted an MTV style of editing where there is exaggerated speeding up and slowing down of the action to create a visual effect. But all this does is cause Bond to look less potent than he should. Rather than throwing a good hard punch, Bond’s actions are slowed down and stylised. It is almost visual castration.

And now onto the CGI. It was atrocious. If there is one thing us Bond fans have come to expect is that the stunts that are performed professionally and generally, where possible, actually in front of the camera. Think of Bond skiing of the cliff in The Spy Who Loved Me (and now think of it done with CGI – blah!) But in Die Another Day we are treated to some substandard effects as Bond rides a gigantic ice wave. I know it couldn’t be done in real life, but at least hire a team of professionals who can render this type of environment well. It looks like a video game.

I am not even going to talk about the invisible car! My thoughts on that are best not aired in public.

A quick word about the music: With the exception of Madonna’s title song, which I have already talked about, the Dave Arnold score is of a high standard. Particularly the Cuban rhythms which are not only infectious they creatively incorporate the James Bond Theme. Strangely, little of the Cuban music ends up on the Soundtrack CD. But my last gripe about the music used in Die Another Day is the inclusion of London Calling by The Clash as Bond returns to London. In any other film, I’d almost applaud the use of The Clash or Joe Strummer in a soundtrack but in a Bond film it is inappropriate.

After the success of this film, there was talk of a spinoff movie featuring Halle Berry as Jinx. Again it was to be directed by Lee Tamahori. It is rumoured that a script was prepared but he film never eventuated. Maybe we were lucky? Tamahori would later go on to destroy the xXx franchise.

Die Another Day was an unworthy swan song for Pierce Brosnan. Sure Brosnan will go on to make great films after his time as Bond, but I sort of feel, that his Bond films were wasted opportunities. He’s a good actor, and he had the charm and charisma to succeed as Bond, but unfortunately he got lumbered with some poor scripts, and crew members (Directors, Editors, and even Actors) who just weren’t up to the task. Thankfully for the Bond series, the producers went in a different direction for the next feature Casino Royale. Sure, it was sad to see Pierce go, but if the series was to survive, a new approach was needed. And thankfully we got it.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Living Daylights

Year: 1987
Directed by John Glen
Timothy Dalton, Maryam d’Abo, Joe Don Baker, Art Malik, John Rhys-Davies, Jeroen Krabbé, Desmond Llewelyn, Robert Brown, Caroline Bliss
Music by John Barry
Title song performed by a-ha
Based on a short story by Ian Fleming

I must sound like a parrot when I say ‘this Bond film had a troubled production history’. I start each Bond review with that sentence. It seems that putting together a new Bond film is not an easy task, and each production presents a new series of pitfalls. On this occasion, the drama related to the casting of James Bond.

After A View To A Kill, Roger Moore finally said goodbye to the character of James Bond. Over his tenure, many actors had been suggested as his successor. They included: Lewis Collins, Ian Ogilvy, Sam Neill and James Brolin. But most of them had faded away by 1987, and there only seemed to be one real contender, Pierce Brosnan. And indeed, Brosnan was cast as Bond. Brosnan had just finished work on the cancelled Remmington Steele television series. But he was still under contract for that show. The publicity that Brosnan received from being cast as Bond, focused the public’s attention back on Remmington Steele. At the last moment, the producers of Remmington Steele changed their minds and decided to make another series. As Brosnan was contracted, he was obliged to do the series. But, and here’s the kicker, by being seconded back to Remmington Steele, Brosnan was no longer free to accept the role of James Bond.

Enter Timothy Dalton. After the pre-title sequence, the film opens in Bratislava in Czechoslovakia. Bond is assigned to aid in the defection of top KGB agent General Yorgi Koskov (Jeroen Krabbé) to the West. When Saunders (M.I.6's man in this part of the world) makes a balls-up of the operation, 007 takes over, and smuggles Koskov out in a specially designed carriage that travels through the gas pipelines. Those of you who have watched Sol Madrid with David McCallum will have seen this device before.

Anyway, 007 gets Koskov out of Czechoslovakia and to the UK. There Koskov explains his reason for defecting. He states that General Pushkin (John Rhys-Davies), Koskov's superior, has to all intents and purposes gone mad. He has initiated a plan called "Smiert Spionen", which translates as ‘death to spies’. Pushkin intends to kill all the British agents operating in his area. On hearing Koskov's information, M.I.6 assign 007 to investigate and, if necessary, assassinate General Pushkin. But two things interfere with Bond completing his mission. The first is that Koskov, although protected by M.I.6 in a safehouse, is kidnapped back by the Russians. The second problem occurs, when Agent Saunders (Thomas Wheatley) is killed in Vienna. Whatever Koskov or Pushkin’s stories maybe, there is definitely someone out there who is targeting the best agents the UK has to offer.

It is up to 007 to unravel the mystery. Along the way, Bond ingratiates himself with Kara Milovy (Maryam d’Abo), a brilliant cellist, who just happened to be Yorgi Koskov’s girlfriend. By staying close to her, he believes it will bring him back in contact with Koskov and closer to the truth. Bond’s journey takes him from Czechoslovakia to Vienna, and afterwards to Morocco. The last destination is Afghanistan, and this brings Bond into contact with the Afghanistan Freedom Fighters, headed by Kamran Shah (Art Malik).

Maryam d’Abo plays Kara Milovy, the main Bond girl in the film. The character, despite being a world renown cello player, isn’t the brightest spark. In fact she is rather gullible and naïve. But d’Abo plays the role rather well, and is convincing. Alas, she does get lumbered with the worst women’s fashions to ever appear in a Bond film.

The Living Daylights is the last Bond film that John Barry composed the score to. Rumour has it, that he didn’t get along well with Norwegian pop group a-ha, who performed the title song. The song itself seems a bit of a rehash, of Duran Duran’s title song for A View To A Kill. Two other songs appear on the soundtrack, performed by The Pretenders. They are: ‘Where Has Everybody Gone’ and ‘If There Was A Man’. Both songs have the Bond sound. The score itself is a bit of a departure for Barry. It features a thin sounding drum machine to underscore the action. I must admit, I find it a little bit disconcerting in places, and is makes the score seem artificial rather than orchestral. But generally the score is pretty good.

When The Living Daylights was released, it was marketed as ‘safe sex Bond’. The A.I.D.S. Epidemic had just been swept to the public’s attention in a particularly scary fashion. People’s attitudes and lifestyles were being forced to change. No longer socially acceptable was casual sex with multiple partners. Monogamy was the order of the day. With these prevailing attitudes, Bond was given only one Bond girl (or so the marketeers told us – in fact he has two – one in the pre-title sequence, and Kara Milovy). It was considered socially irresponsible, for Bond to have multiple partners throughout the film.

Despite the machinations of the marketing gurus, The Living Daylights is still very much a Bond film. In fact, I’d say that the first two thirds of The Living Daylights are some of the best Bond story and and acting we have seen. Mostly due to Dalton’s performance, The Living Daylights is an emotional experience. By the time the films reaches Saunders death at the fairground, the film is positively bursting with tension. Sadly, the last third of the film is lumbered with some uninspired action scenes set in Afghanistan. As it’s a Bond film, the sequences are put together professionally, but on this occasion they seem rather cold and fail to engage the viewer.

Even Joe Don Baker and Jeroen Krabbé as villains, don’t provide any real threat. In fact both men come off as ‘jokes’. It really is a shame that the film couldn’t keep up the style and substance set up at the beginning – otherwise I’d be championing this film as one of the best of the series. Instead it gets pulled back in line with the rest of the pack.

I get frustrated with The Living Daylights. I see so much potential. But the ending kills it. Even a film that is boring at the start and then has a ‘kick-ass’ ending is generally enjoyed by the public. They walk out of the cinema on a high. They don’t remember the dirge at the start. This film works the other way. It starts brilliantly than leaves us on a low.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A View To A Kill

Year: 1985
Directed by John Glen
Roger Moore, Christopher Walken, Tanya Roberts, Patrick MacNee, Robert Brown, Lois Maxwell
Music by John Barry
Title song performed by Duran Duran

A View To A Kill was the fourteenth official James Bond movie, and the seventh (and last) film to feature Roger Moore as agent 007. Quite frankly, Moore was too old for the role by this time. He knew it and the producers knew it, but there was no logical successor at the time. The producers had considered casting American actor James Brolin in the role before filming began on Octopussy (the preceding movie in the series) but decided against it. Footage of Brolin’s screen tests can be seen on the recent MGM/UA 2 disk DVD of Octopussy. Octopussy ended up being one of Moore’s better films, which is probably why the producers stuck with Moore again. But for A View To A Kill, the team went to the well one time too many. Let’s look at why A View To A Kill doesn’t work:

The casting, with the exception of Patrick Macnee, is uniformly weak. I have already mentioned Moore’s age. He is really showing it here. Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell), after 23 years of service, she appeared in Dr. No in 1962, is looking slightly out of place too. But you can almost forgive the aging Bond family regulars because they are faces you have grown to love. The major casting blunders are the female leads. Tanya Roberts as Stacey Sutton is so vacuous she barely registers as a human being. She spends most of the film shrieking and squealing. Often in Bond criticism, the Bond girls are given short shrift by the media. Most of the time, I think this is unfounded. Most of the female characters are intelligent and capable women who happen to be rather attractive. Not just mere window dressing. Many are equals to Bond. But Robert’s character comes off as a dumb blonde. He acting is so stilted, she destroys any dramatic scene in which she appears. Just don’t let her speak. She is the reason for any negative Bond girl criticism.

Similarly Grace Jones is rather wooden as Mayday. Her delivery of lines is very forced, but thankfully she doesn’t have many to deliver. She is very eye catching though, and certainly has a presence on the screen.

Next we come to Christopher Walken. Walken is an actor I really appreciate. I can sit through most of his B-grade movies and smile due to his performances. But here, he is simply miscast. Not that he gives a bad performance here; far from it. He does ‘psychopath’ very well. But his character is supposed to be an Anglo-French multi-millionaire industrialist, who was born in Germany. So the character is very European. Yet Walken is so New York. He doesn’t belong in a French chateau, or at Ascot in a top hat and tails.

As I briefly mentioned earlier, the one successful bit of casting is Patrick Macnee. The fact that Moore and Macnee were friends from their early television days, and appeared together in the movie The Sea Wolves, may count for the chemistry between them. But despite this (or maybe because), Macnee has an understated grace that makes it seem like he belongs in these opulent surroundings. And acting wise, his is the only character to have any emotional impact in the film.

The next weak element of the film is the script. Admittedly the writers have tried something new. Rather than a megalomaniac for a villain, they have a Max Zorin (Walken’s character) played as a psychopath. Interesting idea on paper, but on screen it doesn’t work. For example, when Zorin kills all his henchmen in a gleeful psychotic display, it leaves him isolated and alone (well practically) against Bond in the final showdown. And let’s remember that Bond has taken on armies in volcanoes, on oil rigs, and on space stations. No matter how creative the backdrop (atop the Golden Gate Bridge, no less), Bond is essentially going up against one man – it’s not impossible odds. And really with the way the plot has unfolded, Bond, with a little help from Mayday, has already saved the day The only reason to go after Zorin is to rescue Stacey Sutton, and you already know my opinion of that character. Do you think I care? The way the whole denouement unfolds is clumsily written.

The story is a fairly simple one. Wealthy industrialist, Max Zorin own’s a company that makes microchips. Unfortunately for Zorin, most of the world’s microchips are made in Silicon Valley in the USA. Zorin (I have already mentioned that he is psychotic), plans to cause an Earthquake, unlocking the San Andreas and Haywood faults. That will cause the destuction of Silicon Valley, which will simply disappear into the sea. His company will then have a worldwide monopoly. Naturally James Bond has to stop him.

To the music now: When the film came out in 1985, Duran Duran’s theme song was a massive hit, even though it sounds a little dated today. The theme ties in nicely with John Barry’s score, which is one of the more evocative one he has composed for the series. I am particularly fond of the music when Bond carries Sutton down a fire truck ladder to safety, while the San Francisco City Hall burns behind them. The music is rousing and heroic, combing the ‘dance into the fire’ motif from the title song with the ‘Bond sound’. The score is universally good except for one minor quibble. During the pre-title sequence, Bond uses a ski from a snow mobile as a snowboard. As he glides down an embankment of snow and across a small pond, instead of the John Barry score, which has been working a treat through the previous action, we are slapped in the face with an annoying cover version of The Beach Boys ‘California Girls’. It is simply not necessary, and it is certainly not funny!

While I do not believe A View To A Kill is quite as bad as Die Another Day, it is one of the weaker entries in the series. It is an unworthy swan song for Roger Moore, who despite a recent dip in popularity is truly one of the great Bond actors. He brought a great deal of enjoyment to many people, and most of all he filled the shoes of Sean Connery.

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Octopussy

Directed by John Glen
Roger Moore, Maud Adams, Louis Jordan, Kabir Bedi, Kristina Wayborn, Steven Berkoff, Vijay Amritraj, Robert Brown as M, Desmond Llewelyn as Q, and Lois Maxwell as Monneypenny
Music by John Barry
‘All Time High’ performed by Rita Coolidge
Based on a short story by Ian Fleming

Christmas 1983 was a tense time for Bond fans. Octopussy was released starring Roger Moore as Agent 007, and soon to be released was Never Say Never Again, an independent film starring Sean Connery as Bond. Now with James Bond, there is no fence sitting. You are either a ‘Moore’ man, or a ‘Connery’ man. Fans had to decide. In the end, they voted for Moore. Octopussy was a huge success. But it wasn’t just Moore’s charm that won over the crowds. Octopussy, in every way was a superior film to the clunky, and trouble plagued Never Say Never Again.

The pre-title sequence takes place in South America. Agent 007, James Bond is sent to destroy a military installation. During the mission he is caught. He is bundled into a jeep with two armed guards and driven off to be interrogated and tortured (Actually they don’t tell us where they are taking Bond. I just guess it’s to be interrogated and tortured – after all, they are the ‘bad guys’.) Bond’s leggy assistant, in this un-named South American country is Bianca (Tina Hudson). She is following the vehicle transporting Bond to his doom. She is driving an open four-wheel-drive towing a horse float. As she pulls her 4WD alongside, she hitches up her dress exposing a generous amount of flesh. Bond’s guard’s attention diverts to the beautiful brunette, and Bond takes the opportunity to escape from custody. He leaps into the 4WD, snatching a machine gun on the way. As they drive past, Bond disables the jeep. It appears that Bond and Bianca are in the clear, but not so. A fleet of military vehicles give chase. At this point, Bond and Bianca pull over to the side of the road. Bond unclips the horse float, lightening the load so Bianca can speed of to safety. But Bond stays put. With reason. The float isn’t quite what it appears.

Rather than a horse, it actually houses a Acrostar jet - a really tiny, one man jet, with wings that fold up. Bond speeds off in the jet and it looks like he can easily fly across the border to safety. But that would have been too easy. The bad guys fire a heat seeking missile at Bond’s jet and a wild chase takes place in the sky overhead. Bond leads the heat seeking missile back the military installation he was sent to destroy and flies his miniature jet into a hanger. Naturally the missile follows. Bond flies out of the other end. But the missile detonates, sending the complex up in a ball of orange flame.

Like so many Bond, pre-title sequences, this one has nothing to do with the main story. It is simply a mini-movie before the main story takes place. As is Bond tradition, we are then treated to the main title sequence. The visuals are once again provided by Maurice Binder, and John Barry is back on soundtrack duties, after Bill Conti had scored the last movie. The title song, ‘All Time High’ is sung by Rita Coolidge. It is not one of my favourite Bond tunes, but I have a few friends who rate the song very highly. I seem to be the exception, so, I guess it is another successful opening to a Bond picture.

When we return, we get into the movie proper. We are in East Germany, and a clown is being chased through a forest by a set of twins, who happened to be expert knife throwers. The clown happens to be agent 009. Eventually the twins catch up to 009 as he tries to cross a river. One of the twins, accurately throws a blade and 009 falls into the river and drifts off dead. Or so we think. Most Double ‘O’s are pretty resilient, and 009 is no exception. Down river, he pulls himself from the water and makes his way to the British Ambassador’s residence, where he gate crashes a party and drops dead on the floor. From his lifeless hand, rolls a Fabergé egg.

For those not familiar with ‘what’ a Fabergé egg is; a Fabergé egg is any one of fifty Easter eggs (or fifty-two if you count the two that weren’t finished) made by Peter Carl Fabergé for the Russian Czars. The eggs were made between 1885 and 1917 and each is decorated with enamel and gem stones. In short they are decorative, jewelled eggs.

As you can imagine, Fabergé eggs are very valuable and not easy to come by. The movie moves back to London and to M’s office. This time M is played by Robert Brown, who had taken over from Bernard Lee who had died a few years previous. It is never mentioned whether Brown’s character is the same one as played by Lee, or if he is the ‘new’ head of MI6. Coincidentally, Brown played Admiral Hargraves in The Spy Who Loved Me, and a part of me likes to think that he is the same character. After all, Lee’s M, Sir Miles Messervy was a nautical man (or the prints on the wall of M’s office, indicate he has an affinity with the sea). And James Bond himself was/is a Commander in the British Navy. So it makes sense that the ‘new’ M would come from the same stock. A Navy man!

But I digress. M is briefing Bond on his new mission. It appears that a Fabergé egg identical to the one recovered by 009 is being auctioned at Southerby’s in the afternoon. Obviously one is a fake and something is not above board. Bond is to attend the auction in an attempt to spot the seller. This is where the mission starts and this is where I leave the synopsis. Bond’s mission takes him to India, and then to East Germany and the dubious jewellery items are only the tip of the tentacle.

But who and what is Octopussy? Ian Fleming’s short story, Octopussy, concerned Major Dexter Smythe, a military man who had absconded with a shipment of Gold and set up a nice little life for himself in Jamaica. Bond’s mission is to kill him. The film has nothing to do with that short story. But the character Octopussy (Maude Adams), is the daughter of Dexter Smythe. In the film she lives on her own island in India, completely surrounded by women. She has built her fortune as a smuggler, and has also set up a circus, the ‘Octopussy Circus’ which travels from country to country. The circus acts as a cover for her smuggling activities. Maude Adams is quite good as the title character, but for fans of the series, who value continuity, Adams had appeared previously in The Man With The Golden Gun as Andrea Anders. It may have been good to see a fresh face in the role.

As always, Bond has a group of friends who help him through the mission. His allies include tennis player Vijay Amitraj, who plays a character called (funnily enough) Vijay. Vijay has a memorable scene, where I fights off some attackers with a tennis racquet. Also from Station I in India, is Sadruddin (Albert Moses). Debatable because her loyalties change, but Magda (Kristina Wayborn) is also one of Bond’s allies. At the climax of the film, she leads the performers of Octopussy’s Circus in a deadly assault upon Kamal Khan’s Monsoon Palace. And even old ‘Q’, Desmond Llewelyn gets into the action in this film, piloting a balloon at the climax of the film.

Along the way, Bond encounters the usual amount of villains and thugs. This time he goes up against an exiled Afghan Prince, Kamal Khan (Louis Jordan), a power crazy Russian, General Orlov (Steven Berkoff), and an impossibly strong henchman, Gobinda (Kabir Bedi). Bond also has to contend with the knife wielding twins (David and Anthony Meyers). But as always, Bond comes out on top.

Louis Jordan as Kamal Khan is the last of the great sophisticated Bond villains. These days, the Bond villains tend to be physical equals of Bond, or psychopaths. But the early villains, like Dr. No or Goldfinger were cultured refined gentlemen. These days Bond is pitted against younger men who have power but no class – such as Alec Trevallyn or Gustav Graves. But Jordan is old school, and he is great. Particularly memorable is the scene where Bond and Khan are dining in the villain’s palace, and Khan outlines how he is going to extract information from Bond (Sodium Pentothal and Curare).

No discussion about a Bond film can be complete without a look at the gadgets (love em, or hate em) on display. In my synopsis I have mentioned the Acrostar miniature jet, but there are a few other gadgets on display throughout the film. During the mission, Bond uses a pen with acid cartridge inside. Confined to quarters, he uses this to cut through the metals bars protecting the window. Silliest gadget of them all, is a submersible Alligator, which Bond uses to escape from Octopussy’s private island. Not all of the gadgets belong to Bond, though. A henchman wields quite a lethal Yo-Yo Saw, which functions as a normal yo-yo does, the difference being that the sides are circular saw blades. Quite dangerous, and quite imaginative.

On the new Ultimate Edition DVD, there is some interesting test footage of American actor James Brolin preparing to take over the role of James Bond from Roger Moore. While I am hardly in a position to speculate about this (if you’re interested watch the DVD), I am glad common sense prevailed and the role of Bond didn’t go to an American. Bond is quintessentially British. And Roger Moore, even though he is possibly too old for the role, gives one of his better performances in one of the better Bond movies. Number 13 is an unlucky number for many people, but not so the Bond franchise. Octopussy the 13th film in the series was a resounding success. Not only was it a good film, it did well at the box office, and even had the strength to stand toe to toe with Connery and win.

For trivia fans, Ingrid Pitt is the voice of the Galley Mistress - “In – Out – In – Out!”

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Friday, May 9, 2008

Moonraker

Year: 1979
Directed by Lewis Gilbert
Roger Moore, Richard Kiel, Lois Chiles, Michael Lonsdale, Corrine Clery, Geoffrey Keen, Walter Gotell, Bernard Lee as M, Desmond Llewellyn as Q, and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny
Music by John Barry
Title song performed by Shirley Bassey
Very loosely based on the novel by Ian Fleming

Moonraker gets a lot of crap heaped upon it for being the worst Bond film. But in all honesty, for much of it’s running time it is quite good. It only drifts off course towards the end with a rather silly, Star Wars inspired space story. Another weakness is the plot itself – actually it’s not weak, simply it is the same story as the previous (and rather successful) film, The Spy Who Loved Me. The difference being that the Ocean and Ships, have been changed to Outer Space and Space Shuttles. It must also be noted, that The Spy Who Loved Me was in fact, very similar to You Only Live Twice. So the plot wasn’t weak; it was simply a matter of the film-makers going to the well one too many times.

The movie opens with a space shuttle being piggy-backed on a 747 jet liner. The shuttle engines fire up unexpectedly and the shuttle takes off. The blast from the shuttles rockets incinerate the jet which plummets to the ground. The shuttle disappears.

On another, smaller plane James Bond (Roger Moore) is being held at gunpoint. The two pilots are going to shoot Bond, bail out, leaving Bond’s remains to crash with the plane. After a struggle, Bond forces the two pilots out of the planes hatch, without being pierced with a bullet. He thinks he is in the clear and may be able to land the plane. But as he stands at the hatch, he is pushed out sans parachute by a set of large hands. These hands belong to Jaws (Richard Kiel), the seven foot tall evil minion who survived at the end of the last movie.
Bond is freefalling without a parachute, when he spies one of the pilots he forced out of the plane earlier. Using the air currents, he glides from above towards his quarry, then wrestles the parachute off the pilots back.

Back safely on the ground, and back at M.I.6 headquarters, ‘M’ (Bernard Lee in his last appearance in the series) and the Minister Of Defence, Frederick Grey (Geoffrey Keen), brief Bond on his new mission. He is to investigate the disappearance of the Moonraker space shuttle. He is sent to California and to the estate of Sir Hugo Drax, the multimillionaire who’s company manufactures the space shuttles for NASA.

Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) is a Frenchman, who now lives a very opulent life in America. And he is also obsessed with space. So much so, that he wants to kill practically everybody on the planet, and repopulate it with his own hand-picked, perfect human specimens which will live on an orbiting space station that revolves around the earth. Yeah, I told you the story was kinda silly!

The main Bond girl in this film is Doctor Holly Goodhead, played by Lois Chiles. Goodhead is a strange character, because she isn’t really sure who she is. On on hand, she is Bond’s equal, working for the C.I.A. and is a qualified Shuttle pilot. She can handle herself in a fist fight too. So we have one of the first truly equal Bond girls. She doesn’t scream all the time, and barely has to be rescued by Bond. But this equality and independence create a void where ‘romance’ should have been. The relationship between Bond and Goodhead is one of the coldest in the Bond series (for a leading lady, that is). That’s not to put down Lois Chiles’ acting performance – I think the written character wasn’t fully developed.

As always, Bond has a few gadgets to rescue him from dangerous situations. The first is a dart gun, that gets strapped to 007’s wrist. In comes in handy when Bond is trapped inside a G-Force simulator that is spinning wildly out of control. The second, and silliest of the Bond gadgets is a Gondola (or ‘Bondola’ if you will), which Bond uses on the canals of Venice. The Gondola can turn into a hovercraft. Err, yeah! The best is the speedboat, which Bond cruises down the Amazon river in. It features torpedoes, mines and a hang-glider which separates from the roof of the boat.

The music is by the maestro, John Barry, which by his high standards is rather ineffectual. The musical highlights are revisions of The Space March Theme from You Only Live Twice, and the 007 Theme from From Russia With Love. Even the title song, Moonraker, performed by Shirley Bassey is rather subdued. That’s not to say the music is bad. Generally it works, but doesn’t have the drive or isn’t as ‘brassy’ as previous musical scores for the Bond series.

As I said at the outset, Moonraker cops a caning for being the worst Bond film. I personally believe that Die Another Day is an inferior film. There’s a lot to like in Moonraker. There’s a classic scene at a pheasant shoot, which involves some poor marksmanship from 007; and plenty of boats chases, as mentioned above in the paragraph about gadgets; and even a cable car chase. All this adds up to a fairly entertaining Bond adventure, if somewhat marred by the film-makers desire to compete with the Star Wars franchise. And as a final word, it must be pointed out, whether you believe Moonraker is a good or bad film, that until the arrival of Pierce Brosnan (the Billion Dollar Bond), in unadjusted dollars this film was the most successful (profitable) Bond film, so someone must have liked it?

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Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Spy Who Loved Me

Year: 1977
Directed by Lewis Gilbert
Roger Moore, Curt Jurgens, Barabara Bach, Richard Kiel, Caroline Munro, Bernard Lee, Walter Gotell, Desmond Llewelyn, Geoffrey Keen
Music by Marvin Hamlisch
Title Song, “Nobody Does It Better”, performed by Carly Simon

The Spy Who Loved Me is the first James Bond film I saw at the movies. In the town where I grew up we didn’t have a cinema, it was an old fashioned drive-in, and I organised with my friends to go with their families on different nights. This was my Star Wars. This is the film I went and watched again and again.

The Spy Who Loved Me is undoubtedly Roger Moore’s best appearance as James Bond. He seems less wooden than his first two appearances, and while some of his latter appearances were quite good, towards the end he was clearly too old for the role. The movie itself is fast, action packed and ferociously funny. If it has a weakness, it is that it was too successful. Many of the ideas and stunts used in the film have been recycled so many times (even by the Bond series), that a newcomer to this 30+ year old film may find themselves with a case of deja-vu. But remember, The Spy Who Loved Me did it all first with a great deal of flair and polish.

The story concerns James Bond’s efforts to thwart a madman with webbed fingers, Carl Stromberg (Curt Jurgens) from starting World War III. Stromberg hijacks two nuclear submarines, one American, the other belonging to the U.S.S.R., and replaces the crews with his own men who have orders to fire nuclear missiles at opposing cities in America and Russia. He hopes the reprisals from the Superpowers will destroy civilisation, leaving him to rule the world from his city beneath the sea. World Domination! Yeah, sure it’s corny, but it is good fun. Apart from planning to start World War III, Stromberg also feeds a female assistant to the sharks.

The girls in The Spy Who Loved Me are stunning. Barbara Bach plays Major Amassova – Agent XXX. She was so impressive, that she was snapped up by Ringo Starr. I guess that’s what being a Beatle can help you do – the one thing that all guys would like to do – and that is marry a Bond girl. Lucky guy. Another eye catcher in the film is Caroline Munro as Naomi. She doesn’t get to say much, but with a wink, she says a thousand words.

Richard Kiel plays Jaws, the menacing physical heavy of the piece, who is seven feet tall, has steel teeth and is virtually indestructible. Jaws was so popular, his character returned in the next James Bond movie, Moonraker. Kiel, in his book Richard Kiel – Making It Big In The Movies – Reynolds & Hearn Ltd 2002, had this to say:

“He (Cubby Broccoli) also told me that they had already considered David Prowse, and, seeing that this didn’t register with me, he explained that David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in the Star Wars film, then being produced in England. My excitement at the possibility of being in a Bond movie began to dim slightly; it didn’t take much of an actor to be in a head-to-toe suit, especially when James Earl Jones was saying all the words.”

“I had no idea of whether I would live or die, or how the audience would take to the ‘Jaws’ character.”


The film features quite a few little gadgets, but the one that steals the show is the Lotus Espirit. Bond is involved in another car chase and simply drives his vehicle off the end of a pier and it turns into a submarine. The car was such a sensation that it toured the world. I remember nagging my parents to take me to the Melbourne Car Show so I could see the car. My parents gave in and we went to the car show – which was only a four hour drive from where I lived. After seeing the car on the BIG screen it seemed so small. But I was a happy boy.

John Barry wasn’t available to do the score to The Spy Who Loved Me, so the duty fell to Marvin Hamlisch, who’s Bee Gees inspired score is quite good in a seventies disco-funk kind of way. The incidental music in the Mojave Club and at the Pyramids is quite effective too, with a contemporary sound fused with more traditional middle eastern sounds. The theme song, Nobody Does It Better, sung by Carly Simon is one of the more successful songs in the series and was a massive hit.

As you would have noticed, The Spy Who Loved Me occupies a special place in my heart. You can say what you like about Moore versus Connery, or the decline of the Bond films in the seventies. You can even take me to task over the cheesy musical references to Dr. Zhivago and Lawrence Of Arabia – to me it doesn’t matter, The Spy Who Loved Me is one of my favourite films of all time.

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Live And Let Die

Year: 1973
Directed by Guy Hamilton
Roger Moore, Jane Seymour, David Hedison, Gloria Hendry, Yaphet Kotto, Clifton James, Julius W. Harris, Geoffrey Holder, Earl Jolly Brown, Madeline Smith, Bernard Lee as M, and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny
Music by George Martin
Title song by Paul McCartney and Wings
Based loosely on the novel by Ian Fleming

After the failure of George Lazenby to win over the public in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the producers went running back to Sean Connery to put bums on seats. The ploy worked and Diamonds Are Forever was a success. But Connery agreed to one film only. So that left the producers with the dilemma of finding a new James Bond. Enter Roger Moore.

Moore already had a strong fan base from the television shows The Saint and The Persuaders. But like all actors who take on the role of 007, he had to overcome the long shadow of Connery. And even for Moore this wasn’t as easy as he had hoped.

While making Live And Let Die, Roger Moore wrote a diary which was published as Roger Moore as James Bond (Pan Books 1973). Here he talks about his son’s response to his casting as James Bond.

The children arrive tomorrow and I wonder if Geoffrey will realize I am Bond when he sees me in action. Just before we left England he asked:

“Can you beat anybody, including a robber?”
“Oh yes,’ I replied confidently.
“Supposing James Bond came in,’ he persisted.
“Daddy is going to play James Bond,’ I explained.
“I know that,’ he sighed impatiently. ‘I mean the real James Bond, Sean Connery.”


I suppose if your son has trouble accepting you in the role, you’re in for a rough old time. But in all fairness, Roger Moore acquits himself rather well. His popularity in the 70’s and 80’s is testament to that.

That’s enough background information. Let’s move onto the story. The pre-tile sequence: The film opens at the United Nations building in New York. An M.I.6 agent is watching the assembly and in particular Doctor Kananga, the President of the Caribbean island of San Monique. The agent’s translation headset is cranked up to full volume. He falls to the floor dead.

Next we cut to New Orleans. Another M.I.6 agent, on loan to the Americans is staking out the ‘Fillet Of Soul’ restaurant as a funeral procession ambles past. As the coffin passes the agent’s location, he is stabbed and picked up off the road through a false bottom in the coffin.

And lastly the film cuts to San Monique, where a voodoo ritual is being carried out. A man (naturally enough, an M.I.6 agent) is tied between two poles. As he struggles helplessly an orgy of black dancers writhe and sway in front of him, while primitive drums are pounded, getting quicker as the tension rises. The lead dancer produces a venomous snake and presses it against the jugular vein of the agent. The snake bites, and the agent slumps forward, dead.

Maurice Binder’s stylised title graphics roll accompanied by Paul McCartney and Wings belting out the theme song. It may not be in the classic Bond style, but the theme song is a good one. In fact the music by George Martin is of a high standard, generally. It has a hint of seventies funk to it, but since the film is clearly influenced by the blaxploitation films the were popular at the time (Shaft, Foxy Brown, etc...), the musical cues seem appropriate. And I am pleased to say it hasn’t dated too badly, like some of the other Bond soundtracks.

After the musical interlude we meet James Bond (Roger Moore) at his apartment. Even though it is early morning, Bond is not asleep. Ever the professional, he is, er...debriefing an attractive Italian agent, Miss Caruso (Madeline Smith). Bond’s work is interrupted by the arrival of M (Bernard Lee) and Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) who brief Bond on his next assignment. This is an unusual scene, in that it is one of the few times we get to see Bond’s apartment, and secondly, because Bond is briefed away from the office. This ‘in the field briefing’ is an element that would become more prevalent in the Bond series. I’d guess this is to do with the pacing of the movies. Setting up Bond’s mission in ‘M’s office and then sending him off takes time. But briefing Bond in the field propels the story on more quickly. Anyway, Bond is sent to New York City, where the first agent was killed and also where Dr. Kananga (Yaphett Kotto), the President of San Monique (where the third agent was killed) is currently speaking at the UN.

As Bond arrives in New York an attempt is made on his life. With a bit of help from his old pal, CIA agent, Felix Leiter (this time played by David Heddison), Bond tracks down the the man who tried to kill him. The man’s name is Whisper (Earl Jolly Brown), and he is a minion of a Mr. Big, a big time gangster who runs a chain of ‘Fillet Of Soul’ restaurants. Ah, you may recall that the second agent in the pre-title sequence was killed watching a ‘Fillet Of Soul’ restaurant. All the pieces are slowly fitting into place.

As it is an Bond film, of course it features a bevy of beauties to tease and torment our hero. I have already mentioned Miss Caruso, played by Madeline Smith. The Caruso character is almost a throwaway at the start. I guess she is there simply to say that we may have a ‘new’ Bond, but he is still a womaniser.

The main female lead is Jane Seymour, who plays Solitaire. Solitaire is a voodoo priestess who can divine the future from a deck of tarot cards. The only problem for Solitaire is that for her ‘powers’ to work, she has to remain a virgin, and with Bond on the scene, well...she isn’t going to stay that way for long. I think that Seymour is one of the better Bond girls. Even though the way Bond and Solitaire fall in love is incredibly unbelievable, she ‘sells’ the character’s innocence. You can actually believe that she has fallen for Bond. It’s not surprising that she is one of the few Bond girls who’s career has actually grown from Bond, rather than gradually diminish.

The next Bond girl is Rosie Carver, played by Playboy Bunny Gloria Hendry. Carver is a CIA agent who helps Bond once he arrives on the Island of San Monique. Hendry is quite okay in the lighter more humorous scenes with Moore, but in the dramatic scenes he lack of acting experience shows.

There is an element of the fish out of water story in Live And Let Die. In most Bond films there is; as Bond is a rather stiff, refined English gentleman. The series has often delighted at dropping Bond into different cultures to explore the glaring differences. But in Live And Let Die, this idea is pushed to the limit. Bond is dropped into Harlem – seventies style. The clothes are candy coloured; the flares are wide; and the hats are extremely wide brimmed. This has gone past sixties counter culture. These clothes are not urban hippy wear. These clothes are ‘style’. And Bond is about style too. But while each partly is well dressed and immaculately groomed, sartorially they are a million miles away.

One of the elements in Live And Let Die that always seemed slightly awkward to me is the ending, starting with the descent into Kananga’s underground lair. Syd Cain’s set is impressive, although not quite as imaginative as some of Ken Adams sets, but as far as underground lairs go, this is pretty good. But it is deserted. Kananga appears to have about four guys working for him. There is all this space, and a mini railway of sorts, but there’s no sense of power or control which comes from a mass of humanity being lead by one unmistakeable leader. There’s no army of minions or underlings for Bond to deal with on his way to the final confrontation with Kananga. Sure there’s Whisper, but he’s hardly threatening. Compared to the ending of previous Bond films, there’s a mood of casual insignificance, rather than imminent catastrophe.

Similarly, another element that seems strangely missing is the ‘branding’ of Kananga. This is not intended as a comment on consumerism or global marketing (although I am sure that a few valid points could be made about that), but Kananga does not have a ‘logo’. An evil organsation must have a logo. It says that you are a structured entity with an identity. It is the device that links the lower echelon minions with Kanaga and Mr. Big. No racism intended, but in Live And Let Die, the colour of the villains skin is used to represent those who work on the side of evil. Bond does not battle an evil organisation; he battles an entire race. I believe that this failure to define the villain’s empire, and particularly the people who work for him, is sloppy. Labouring the point; do the dancers on San Monique work for Kanaga – or do they follow Baron Samedi as their Voodoo Priest? Do the stool pigeons who report on Bond’s movement through Harlem work for Mr. Big – or are they street punks who know they can earn a quick buck by dropping a dime. How powerful is Kananga?

Of course, I can say this thirty-five years later as a distant observer. Maybe in 1973, having a black villain was a big statement. Large enough to unsettle the population, without kitting out an entire army of black soldiers in a distinctive and unified fashion. The idea of an organised, highly efficient black corporation may have been very shocking indeed to certain sections of the community. You just have to look at the impact that The Black Panthers had to see my point. Stretching it to Bondian proportions may have been a bit too unsettling for 1973.

Live And Let Die is a flawed film. It will never be considered high art by any stretch of the imagination. But it is extremely entertaining and was a solid enough vehicle for Roger Moore as James Bond to keep the series moving. The film also features some great Bondian set pieces which I haven’t talked about here – just quickly, there is a very impressive boat chase, and a fun sequence at an alligator farm. While this film isn’t high amongst my favourite Bond films, it’s one that I always enjoy when I do take the time to watch it.

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Diamonds Are Forever

Year: 1971
Directed by Guy Hamilton
Sean Connery, Jill St John, Charles Gray, Lana Wood, Desmond Llewelyn as Q, Bernard Lee as M, and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny
Music by John Barry
Title song performed by Shirley Bassey.
Very loosely based on a novel by Ian Fleming.

Diamonds Are Forever is the seventh film in the EON James Bond series. As with most Bond movies, the pre-production of Diamonds Are Forever is quite a tale in itself. George Lazenby left the series after one film. Actor John Gavin was consequently signed for the role of 007. And finally, at the last minute, Sean Connery was enticed back to the role of Bond for a hefty sum of money. As there are many good books and even a documentary, Inside Diamonds Are Forever on the DVD that recount the events leading up to the making of Diamonds Are Forever, I’ll leave it to the experts to tell the tales, but if you are interested, as I have said before, may I suggest, that you track down a copy of the book ‘Martinis, Girls And Guns’ by Martin Sterling and Gary Morecambe. It is a well researched overview of the series from Dr. No to The World Is Not Enough and fleshes out many of the production dramas that have happened throughout the series.

But onto the movie itself. The previous Bond movie, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, left us with a distraught Lazenby Bond cradling his dead wife. Diamonds Are Forever makes no obvious reference to the proceedings of the last film, other than, Bond is determined to track down Ernst Stavro Blofeld - his wife’s killer. Bond’s motivation for being so desperate to hunt down Blofeld isn’t specified either. It is almost as if the previous film did not exist.

WELCOME TO HELL BLOFELD. The film starts with Connery Bond rough-housing a few informers to get to his nemesis, Blofeld (this time played by Charles Gray, who co-incidentally played Dikko Henderson two films earlier in You Only Live Twice). Bond’s investigations take him to a plastic surgery clinic, where Blofeld is attempting to make clones of himself. Bond intervenes, and finally kills Blofeld, sending his body into a pool of boiling mud.

The titles roll; Maurice Binder’s graphics twirl, and good old Shirley Bassey belts out one of the classic theme songs. Does life get any better than this?

Diamonds Are Forever has a tortuous plot, which I wont outline too heavily. Put simply, Bond has to investigate a diamond smuggling operation, which move diamonds from South Africa to Holland, and finally to the United Sates. Bond infiltrates the gang, posing as a smuggler, and follows the diamonds to Las Vegas and the casino of a reclusive millionaire, Willard Whyte.

Along the way, Bond encounters a few Bond girls. The first is Tiffany Case, played by Jill St. John. Tiffany is the bad girl who turns good, but only after Bond has bedded her. Next we have Plenty O’Toole played by Lana Wood. Naturally with a name like Plenty O’Toole, there is a Bondian quip that goes with the characters introduction. And finally a special mention should go to Bambi and Thumper, played by Lola Larson and Trina Parks respectively. These lethal ladies give poor old Mr. Bond a hard time when he crosses their path.

I like Diamond Are Forever. It is one of the wittiest of the Bond films, but the story is a bit of a mish-mash in places, and has some large gaping plot holes. But most people don’t go to a Bond film for the story. They go for a few hours of escapism, and on that level Diamonds Are Forever delivers. And, of course, it was great to see Sean Connery back in the role he was born to play. But Diamonds Are Forever is a bit of a step down from the Bond films of the sixties, and the injection of humour was a forerunner of things to come. Many people blame Roger Moore’s ascendancy to the role of James Bond as the turning point in the series. From then on, the films were played for laughs. Well that isn’t the case. Diamonds Are Forever is played totally for laughs, and as such the blame cannot fall solely on Roger Moore’s shoulders. It was obviously a decision by the film-makers, and co-incidentally it happened to suit Moore’s acting style…but more of that when I review Live And Let Die.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Goldfinger

Year: 1964
Directed by Guy Hamilton
Sean Connery, Honor Blackman, Gert Frobe, Shirley Eaton, Tania Mallet, Harold Sakata, Cec Linder, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewelyn Lois Maxwell, Nadja Regin, Margaret Nolan
Music by John Barry
Theme song performed by Shirley Bassey
Based on the novel by Ian Fleming

Many people consider this the best Bond film of them all. Maybe it is. It certainly is the film that set the style for all Bond films to follow. The first two movies, Dr. No and From Russia With Love were a bit harder than Goldfinger and they took on the flavour of the locations Bond was visiting - in Dr. No when Bond lands on Crab Key the film takes on an old fashioned (boys own) adventure tone. In From Russia With Love, the scenes in Turkey, and in particular the Gypsy Camp, have a certain feel which has never been replicated. But by the time Goldfinger came around, the Bond style was finely honed. It didn’t matter where Bond travelled to, wherever the location, the style of the films did not change.

Another element that changed with Goldfinger was the increased amount of humour. Although there was humour in the previous two Bond movies, Goldfinger really is ground zero for the double entendres, and the occasional sight gag. For example the opening scene features James Bond in SCUBA gear approaching a dock. Attached to his headpiece as camouflage is a artificial duck. With that, I’ll move on to the plot overview - it starts with a rip-roaring pre-title sequence in Latin America.

‘Shocking! Positively Shocking!’ After James Bond (Sean Connery) has blown up an Oil Refinery, which was actually a heroin processing plant, he stops off at nightclub to pay his respects to Bonita (Nadja Regin), a dancer he has been seeing. Backstage, as he holds her, reflected in her eyes, Bond sees an assassin sneaking up from behind. At the last second, as the assailant brings down his blackjack, Bond spins and the girl receives the blow meant for him. Ouch! Bond and his adversary duke it out in the small backstage room, until Bond gets the better off his attacker and sends him flying backwards into the bathtub. Unfortunately for Bond, next to the bathtub, is Bond’s Walther PPK (for the un-initiated - his gun). The assassin grabs Bond’s gun and takes aim. Simultaneously, Bond flings an electric fan heater into the bathtub and electrocutes his attacker.

Then we launch into the title sequence. The song Goldfinger is sung with gusto by Shirley Bassey. If you haven’t heard it, you must have been living on another planet. Accompanying Miss Bassey’s vocal are Robert Brownjohn’s visuals, images from the film projected onto the golden body of Margaret Nolan (who will turn up later in the movie as ‘Dink’). Trevor Bond is quoted in Emily King’s book “Robert Brownjohn: Sex And Typography”:

“I think Goldfinger were the only titles that ever went to the censor. We were going to project objects on her body, but that was too difficult, it was hard to make them stand out. It was Bj’s idea to project scenes from the film. The golf ball down the cleavage is pure Bj. It was brilliant.”

After the titles we land at the Fountainbleau Hotel in Miami. Beside the pool, Bond is receiving a massage from Dink (the aforementioned Margaret Nolan), when he is interrupted by old friend and C.I.A. agent Felix Leiter (this time played by Cec Linder. Leiter was previously played by Jack Lord in Doctor No).

Leiter passes on a message from ‘M’. Bond is to observe Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe). Each day Goldfinger plays gin with Du Pont, and each day Goldfinger has won. Bond observes this from a far, but is suspicious. His suspicions take him up to Goldfinger’s hotel suite. Inside he finds Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton), clad in black underwear, peering through a pair of binoculars. From her vantage point she can see the cards, Du Pont is holding and via a small two way radio, she passes this information to Goldfinger. His receiving device is disguised as a hearing aid. Bond isn’t impressed with the scam. He takes the microphone and threaten to tell the Miami Police unless Goldfinger starts to lose. And lose he does.

Meanwhile Bond takes Jill back to his room for a bit of ‘slap and tickle’. But while searching the fridge for another bottle of champagne, Bond is knocked unconscious. Now the Bond series has a few iconic moments, and the next scene is one of them. When Bond comes to, he sees Jill dead, spread eagled on his bed. But what makes this different, is she is covered from head to toe with gold paint. She has died from skin suffocation. The scene is dazzling and original and now indelibly etched into the minds of anyone who saw this film when they were young.

Back in London in ‘M’s office, Bond is reprimanded. He was supposed to watch Goldfinger, not borrow his girlfriend. Later, he is briefed on what his mission is about. Goldfinger is a gold smuggler. He buys gold in undeveloped countries for a small price and sells it in developed countries for a high price. But nobody knows how he does it. Bond’s mission is to find out. Naturally there’s more to Goldfinger, than just gold smuggling. That’s just the tip of the ice-berg. But these are things that Bond and the viewer finds out along the way.

Onto the Bond girls (I am sure there’s a Bondian quip there, but I’m not game to use it). Bond has quite a few conquests throughout this film. Above I have already mentioned Nadja Regin as Bonita, and Margaret Nolan as Dink. The three main Bond girls, are Shirley Eaton as Jill Masterson, Tania Mallet as Tilly Masterson, and most famously Honour Blackman (Cathy Gale from The Avengers) plays Pussy Galore.

Goldfinger doesn’t feature too many gadgets. Bond only has one. And it’s a doozy. It’s the very famous Aston Martin DB5. It comes equipped with every assault and defence device imaginable. Amongst the devices are revolving number plates, a rear bullet proof shield, front and rear machine guns, smoke screen, oil slick, and a passenger side ejector seat. It’s riot, when Bond finally gets to put the car through its paces. But Bond isn’t the only person allowed to have gadgets. Goldfinger possesses an industrial laser. Goldfinger demonstrates its capabilities in a very uncomfortable scene (for male viewers), where Bond is strapped to a table, and Goldfinger has his laser moving between Bonds legs, slowly up towards his genitals. At this point Bond asks, “Do you expect me to talk?” And to this Goldfinger glibly replies, “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” It’s classic cinema.

As with most Bond movies, a few notes about music are in order. The musical score is by John Barry, and the classic Bond sound starts here. Sure, Barry worked on Dr. No, and composed the score for From Russia With Love. But here is starting line for the true Bond sound. Barry has composed a terrific score, with an equally memorable title song performed by Shirley Bassey. This is the soundtrack to which all other Bond soundtracks are compared. It’s bold, it’s brassy. It’s Bond.

So that’s Goldfinger, the third film in the Bond series. It has to be the most fun of all the Bond films. It’s story isn’t the strongest, and Bond falls into more traps than he sets. Actually he doesn’t do that much at all in the end, but he is the centrepiece; and because of this film, an iconic one at that. When this film was released, people queued around the block to see it at cinemas. Its success launched Bondmania around the world. Bond became a brand. There were everything from jigsaw puzzles and toy cars to talcum powder and vodka labelled with the 007 logo. If it was Bond, it was sixties cool. Countless imitators and rip-offs began springing up. Particularly in Europe where a whole industry popped up making Eurospy films. Even in Asia, Bond was popular; and they had their own attempt at making spy films. It seems like there wasn’t a place on the planet where Bond’s influence wasn’t felt. Even behind the Iron Curtain. The average Soviet citizen may never have had the opportunity to see a Bond film, or read a Bond book, but they knew who Bond was.

Before I sign off on this review, I thought I’d share a little bit of trivia: Before Goldfinger Harold Sakata was a Hawaiian pro-wrestler called Tosh Togo. He also won a silver medal in the 1948 Olympics in the light - heavyweight weightlifting division.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Murderers’ Row (1966)

Directed by Henry Levin
Dean Martin, Karl Malden, Anne Margaret, Camilla Sparv, James Gregory, Beverly Adams
Music by Lalo Schifrin
Based on the novel by Donald Hamilton


Here’s a quick one. I don’t think too much needs to be said about the Dean Martin Matt Helm films. You either love ‘em or hate ‘em. Fans of Donald Hamilton’s book series generally hate them. And critically they get panned too. But sometimes I think the Matt Helm films get a bad wrap. Sure, they aren’t tough like the books they are based on, but they do have Dean Martin doing what he does best; boozin’ and having a good time. And is there anything wrong with that?

Murderer’s Row is the second Matt Helm film, following The Silencers and while not quite being up the the first movie’s standard, it is still a decent piece of swingin’ sixties espionage cinema.

The plot is simple enough. Julian Wall (Karl Malden), who works for the nefarious ‘Big O’ has kidnapped a scientist who has been constructing a ‘helio beam’. Once Wall has control of the ‘helio beam’ he intends to destroy Washington D.C. Secret Agent Matt Helm (Dean Martin) has to find the missing scientist and save the world. He does this with the aid of the scientist’s wild go-go dancing daughter (Anne Margaret). Yep, the plot is paper thin, but it is only there to hang Deano’s boozin’ jokes on.

Where the film starts to fall down is during the action sequences in the second half. They are all rather uninvolving. Maybe this is because they are mostly filmed as long shots, and even then you can clearly tell that the guy on the screen is not Martin but his stunt double.

At the end of the day you either enjoy Deano’s drunken lounge spy antics or you don’t. If you don’t this film will infuriate you, with some of the lame set ups and jokes. But if you don’t mind Deano’s breezy throwaway style, then Murderer’s Row will be a reasonably pleasant diversion.

One thing that Murderer’s Row has got going for it, is an absolutely fantastic musical score by Lalo Schifrin. The riff from the title tune will get stuck in your head for days. Although relatively short by today’s standards (around 30 minutes), the soundtrack album is well worth tracking down.

The four Matt Helm films are:
• The Silencers
• Murderer’s Row
• The Ambushers
• The Wrecking Crew


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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Assassination In Rome (1965)

Directed by Silvio Amadio
Cyd Charisse, Hugh O'Brian, Mario Feliciani, Alberto Closas, Juliette Mayniel, Philippe Lemaire, Gina Rovere
Music by Armando Trovajoli


Assassination In Rome is a solid enough thriller, but it is far from outstanding. What it does have going for it, is that European travelogue feel that so many sixties films possessed. As you’ve probably guessed from the title, the story in this little adventure takes place in Italy; mostly in Rome, but there is a brief excursion to Venice.

Above you would have heard me describe this film as a little adventure, and that is exactly what everybody believes has happened to Shelley North’s husband, William. They believe he has run off with a beautiful young Italian girl. Apparently that happens a lot to American men on holiday in Rome! The film opens with Shelley North (Cyd Charisse – who you may remember from The Silencers, and a few musicals) phoning the American Embassy to report her missing husband. She is fobbed off.

Meanwhile a dead body is found beside the Trevi fountain. In the man’s pockets, is a packet of heroin. The body isn't Shelley's missing husband, but there may be a connection between the dead man and William North.

Adding to the story is a couple of bumbling crooks, who break into the dead man’s apartment. One of the thieves steals a pair of shoes. The shoes have a false heel, and inside is a mysterious package. The thieves don’t care what it is. If it was hidden, it must be valuable, and they hatch a plan to sell the package back to its owner. Little do they know that the owner is dead, and before the movie is over, several other people will die, all because of this mysterious package.

Also working in Rome, as a newspaper reporter is American, Dick Sherman (Hugh O’Brian). Sherman is your standard, square-jawed American hero type, a role that suits O’Brian to the ground. Sherman once had a relationship with Shelley, and when he hears her name in the reports from the Embassy, he volunteers to help his old flame track down her delinquent husband. And as a reporter, who knows, there just may be a story in it?

Along for the ride, as Shelley and Dick piece together the details surrounding William’s disappearance, are the chief detective on the case, and Erica a fellow reporter, who has a crush on Dick.

The first sixty minutes of this production are in a methodical detective style as our gang of heroes follow the clues. The film could almost be described as Chandleresque. But after the hour, the film picks up pace and the story jags sharply towards over-ripe psychodrama, in the Hitchcock tradition. The music gets louder; the red herrings become more prominent; and the story becomes, well to be honest, rather silly!

There is a hint of a spy story, the MacGuffin being a top-secret microfilm containing military secrets. The villains are a virtually unseen secret organization who deals in secrets, torture, and death! Despite these familiar trappings, I wouldn’t really call this a spy film and recommend it to aficionados of espionage cinema.

The music by Armando Trovajoli is worth mentioning. The score is very good, but subdued in the first half. As the music soars in the second half it adds to the mystery of the film. In fact, it is a little bit deceptive – deliberately so. Possible spoiler: If the music is loud and pounding, you’re probably witnessing a red herring. If the music is subtle, then the story is progressing normally and its heroes are heading in the right direction.

Assassination In Rome is not a lost classic. It is a decent ‘B’ picture with interesting location shooting. And for most of its running time, it is a fairly good thriller. It’s only at the denouement that the film falls from favour.

I do not like endorsing any particular company or product, but Dark Sky films have this movie paired with Espionage In Tangiers as a double feature DVD. The DVD is presented as a ‘Drive-In’ double feature, with old adverts for fast food (that doesn’t look appealing at all), and previews for coming attractions. It’s a good, fun package.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Casino Royale (1967)

Directed by John Huston, Ken Hughes, Val Guest, Robert Parrish, Joe McGrath
David Niven, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress, Daliah Lavi, Orson Welles, Woody Allen, Joanna Pettet
Music by Burt Bacarach
Title song by Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass
Song, ‘Look of Love’, sung by Dusty Springfield
Inspired by the novel by Ian Fleming


“Casino Royale is either going to be a classic bit of fun or the biggest f*ck up since the Flood. I think probably the later.”
David Niven – ‘The Moon’s A Balloon’


Please do not confuse this version of Casino Royale with the 2006 version starring Daniel Craig. There was also an episode of Climax Theatre based on Casino Royale. It was made in 1954, and starred Barry Nelson as ‘Card Sense’ Jimmy Bond. This is the 1967 version, which is one of the worst examples of sixties excess and indulgence. The story of this production is an oft told one and I’ll leave it to the experts to elaborate (For those interested, may I suggest that you track down a copy of the book ‘Martinis, Girls And Guns’ by Martin Sterling and Gary Morecambe. It is a well researched overview of the series from Dr. No to The World Is Not Enough and fleshes out many of the production dramas that have happened throughout the series). The simple points are: this is not an official entry in the Bond series, and it is a comedy.

Where do you start when reviewing this film? I could do a synopsis of the plot, but there is not much point really – the film is all over the place – probably the result of having multiple directors. I could outline the characters, but each character gets renamed James Bond, so that would be confusing. Then what has the film got going for it? The cast, maybe. Although most of them probably cross Casino Royale off their resumés when looking for other work.

• David Niven plays Sir James Bond, a retired secret agent who is called back into service, when ‘M’, the head of M.I.6 is killed. At the start, Sir James stutters and as the film progresses, he becomes more youthful, and loses his speech impediment – I am not sure why?. The film also intimates that Niven is the real ‘James Bond’, and upon retirement, his name and number (007) were passed on to keep the legend alive. Sir James is not pleased about his successor’s womanising – most probably a dig at ‘Connery Bond’. I am not making any groundbreaking comments when I say Niven made a lot of shit. This is one of his greater follies.

• Then we have Peter Sellers as Evelyn Tremble, who is one of the many characters who is renamed ‘James Bond’ in this film. It’s a ploy designed to confuse the enemy. It’s so effective, it confuses the viewing audience as well. As with Niven, it is no secret that Sellers made a lot of shit. Apparently Sellers was going through a prima-donna phase when he made this movie and refused to work with Orson Welles. Their scenes were shot separately.

• As mentioned above, next we have Orson Welles. He comes off relatively unscathed, as his role is essentially a cameo. One wonders what he could have done with the character of Le Chiffre if the film had been played straight.

Ursula Andress pops up in the film. Revered as the first Bond girl, from Dr. No, it’s a shame to see her in this trash. She looks great though. She plays Vesper Lynd (also renamed James Bond).

• Then we have Daliah Lavi. I am a big fan of Miss Lavi, who appeared in a swag of spy films in the sixties – The Spy With A Cold Nose, Some Girls Do, The High Commissioner, and The Silencers to name a few – but here she is reduced to just another ‘James Bond’ in this massive ensemble cast.

• Deborah Kerr plays Agent Mimi, who also happens to be M’s wife, Lady Fiona McTarry. Apparently she is an agent for SMERSH...but I am not really sure. She gets to put on a Scottish accent and be silly.

• Joanna Pettet plays Mata Bond. If you haven’t all ready guessed she is the offspring from Sir James Bond and Mata Hari.

• And after all that, we have Woody Allen. Woody is Jimmy Bond, Sir James Bond’s nephew. Jimmy is so scared of his famous uncle, he is rendered speechless whenever he is in his presence.

What else can I tell you? The film has everything thrown at it: cowboys, indians, the French Foreign Legion (represented by Jean Paul Belmondo), American Gangsters (well, George Raft standing by the bar tossing a coin), and even Frankenstein’s monster. Despite all this, it just isn’t funny and isn’t that the point of comedy, to raise a laugh?

S