Ahh yes, nice to know that after all these years and all these movies, there are still films that can make me scratch my head and stammer, "...the hell?" When I started watching Future Hunters the other day, I took the liberty of stepping out for just a minute to use the restroom. When I did this, Richard Norton was driving a dune buggy around a post-apocalyptic wasteland being chased by guys who wandered over from a Road Warrior shoot. He's hoping he can track down the Spear of Longeness, the fabled spear that pierced the body of Christ and now possesses the power to shower the scene with cheap animation effects.

When I cam back, that guy from Terminator II was lying around a hotel room in his underwear. Then I stepped out for another minute, and when I came back, Bruce Le was fighting one of those kungfu masters with the long wispy white hair and eyebrows. I was convinced at this point that someone must have accidentally recorded a different movie over the one I was watching. Turns out that no, this film is just that loopy. I expect weird stuff from Filipino director Cirio Santiago. his name has been on all sorts of weird crap that didn't make any sense. But this one just might take the cake. Because not only does it have the aforementioned insanity in it, by the film's end we'll also have scantily clad Amazon women, neo-Nazis, and machine-gun toting midget monks who live in a cave. It's pretty much as if Santiago just sat down, made a list of everything that was cool, and decided to cram it all into the same movie with no regard for whether it all went together.

The fight with the kungfu master is my favorite since the lead-up to it is Robert Patrick going, "Hmm, maybe there's a clue in here." Then Bruce Le fights the master, they go into a temple, and then Patrick goes, "Hmm, nope. No clues." It has nothing to do with anything. Santiago must have happened to have a Bruce Le fight scene that didn't get used in some other movie lying around, so he decided to put it in this one along with some Filipino jungle babes in bikinis, and a plot about Richard Norton traveling through time to deliver the spear so our heroes (Patrick and female archaeologist Michelle, played by Linda Carol) could use it to prevent the apocalypse, which was caused by a crazy Neo-Nazi guy who wouldn't have had the spear used to cause the end of the world if Richard Norton hadn't sent it back in time to stop the end of the world. Yes sir, Future Hunters opens up all sorts of opportunities to dwell on the paradoxical problems of time travel, but mostly it just wants to have midgets in robes blow things up.

Robert Patrick's acting is pretty rotten in this film. Five years later, he'd get involved in another time travel film, but that one ended up working out a little better for him, though it hardly did anything more for his career than Future Hunters.