Did I call Satan's Blood sleazy? Ha ha! How naive of me. Black Candles -- now this is a sleazy movie. It would almost qualify as an erotic thriller if it was erotic or thrilling. But then, most erotic thrillers aren't erotic or thrilling, so I guess the only thing that keeps this movie from being an erotic thriller is that it was made in the decade before over-pumped silicone swellings the size of basketballs replaced breasts.

This is yet another Spanish devil worshipping movie from the 1970s, directed by Jose Ramon Larraz -- no stranger to the world of sleazy horror films since he directed cult fave Vampyres, a movie that would blush were it to watch Black Candles, which is backed to the gills with nudity and twisted deviant sex. As in, a shockingly explicit sex scene between a woman and a goat -- not as explicit as the horse masturbation from Emanuelle in America, but still plenty raunchy enough to earn it a place on alt.sex.bestiality. Of course, you can't have explicit woman-goat sex without also having a scene where a man is made to get down on all fours soa sword can be rammed up his...well, let's just get on with the review, shall we?

Our heroine Carol travels with her boyfriend to England to attend her brother's funeral. The couple stays with Carol's sister-in-law in her typically spooky, remote manor out in the middle of desolate nowhere. Soon enough, we learn that the few people who live near the house are all part of a Satanic sex cult and, like all satanic cults from the 1970s, when they're not wandering around in a circle listlessly chanting "Hail Satan," they're looking to recruit the hot new couple to their cause.

This movie is low on scares, low on atmosphere, and low on just about every other count except for the number of sex scenes, which it throws at the viewer in a near nonstop procession of bare flesh and softcore writhing. Now, you know me, and I'm for gratuitous nudity and lots of it, and while I certainly approve of its presence here, it's saying somethign that so much gratuitous nudity and sex does so little to make this movie interesting. For the most part, Black Candles -- which is otherwise known by the more appropriately lurid title Los Ritos Sexuales Del Diablo (not to mention the equally subtle Naked Dreams and Hot Fantasies, though I'm not sure whose fantasy this is) -- is just dreadfully dull, and nothing steams my monkeys more than a movie that packs itself full of devil worshipping and sex and still manages to be boring. When your highlight reel is a woman sexing up a goat and a guy getting a sword up the ass, well -- you can't make that last for 90 minutes. Or can you...

The script is weak and meandering. It never generates any sort of tension or scares, and it seems as uninterested in the characters as we are. Which is fine, since the actors aren't all that interested in the characters, either. And of course, we get the typical devil worship movie "shock" ending, which pretty much every devil worship movie this side of Rosemary's Baby employs. Satan's Blood managed to balance sleaze with some genuine chills and a little creativity, but Black Candles is simply a plodding mess that hopes numerous sex scenes and a little bestiality will carry the day until the dismal end of the whole sordid affair. Sad to say that isn't the case. It's possible to make a devil worshipping film that is incredibly sleazy and gratuitous and disgusting, but also manages to be atmospheric and interesting. This isn't it.

An aside: I'm still annoyed by how spiritless devil worshippers are when they are hailing the prince of darkness. They always speak in monotones. Surely somewhere there is a devil worshipper with all the fire and showmanship of a evangelical preacher from the deep South. You know, someone who makes you want to jump up and dance in the aisles and shout out your willingness to lick the maggots from Satan's cloven hoof as you shake your hands wildly in the air. Devil worshippers could learn a thing or two from that sort of religious showmanship.