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Monday, July 14, 2008

Midsummer Night's Doom

By Raymond Benson
Appeared in American Playboy Magazine - January 1999

Midsummer Night's Doom is a short James Bond adventure written to coincide with Playboy Magazine's 45th anniversary. It is the second short story that Bond continuation author, Raymond Benson wrote that appeared in Playboy, the first being Blast From The Past which ran in 1997. And it goes without saying - I only read Playboy for the articles!

The story opens with a briefing in M's office. As the story is fairly recent, M is Barbara Mawdsley - for those familiar with the films, but not of any of Benson's continuation novels, Mawdsley is the character portrayed by Judi Dench. She asks 007 how much he knows about Playboy Magazine and Hugh Hefner. Bond reveals that he once bumped into Hefner whilst on a fishing trip in Jamaica.

Then M explains:
"It's the bloody leak in the Ministry Of Defense again," she said. "There is a river of information flowing out of there, and it's apparently changing hands at parties being held at the Playboy Mansion West, Hugh Hefner's home in Los Angeles."

'Hef' is not the bad guy. His legendary parties are simply being used for the exchange. The seller is a rockstar named Martin Tuttle, whose ex-wife worked for the Ministry of Defense. She'd smuggle out secrets and give them to Tuttle, who'd fly them back to the US and then pass them on to the Russian Mafia at the Playboy parties.

Unknown to Tuttle, his ex-wife has been picked up by the authorities, and she has revealed the whole scam. But it is up to 007 to follow Tuttle to the Playboy Mansion and find out who his contact is.

In this instance, Tuttle is carrying the microfilm plans for infrared focal plane arrays (a camera device that can imitate the human eye and then process the data it receieves).

The Playboy party is a theme night - the annual Midsummer Night's Dream party. The guests are expected to attend wearing their pajamas, nightshirts or (of course) exotic lingerie. Bond arrives at the party in his pajamas covered by an Oriental silk house coat. Soon after he meets 'Hef' who acts as 'Q', handing Bond a gold pen which acts as a radio transceiver, and the accompanying earpiece.

Also attending the party is Tony Curtis (from The Persuaders), Robert Culp (from I, Spy), and Jim Brown. There is also a borish Russian film-maker called Anton Redenius.

The story is an interesting diversion, but some of the passages are cringe worthy. Sure Bond is somewhat of a hedonist and is in a familiar environment when surrounded by beautiful women and dining on fine food. But I don't see Bond as a disco dancer (even if it is with Miss October 1994).

Also I don't like Bond entering or mixing with the entertainment industry. It also bothered me in Benson's 2001 novel Never Dream Of Dying. I always see Bond mixing with (and battling) men with old world power and money. The entertainment industry, by it's very nature is all smoke and mirrors, and ultimately fickle. One minute you're up - next you're down. So I don't see characters from the film or music industries as having any gravitas.

I realise my point of view is without foundation in the real world. Anyone with large amounts of money has power, and as such can be a worthy adversary for James Bond. But in the Bond universe, I feel we need villains who are worthy of Bond's snobery.

Having said all that, Midsummer Night's Doom is a light Bondian confection written purposely to coincide and compliment Playboy Magazine's 45th anniversary. The story is not exactly a throwaway piece, but certain liberties have been taken to bring the Playboy universe and the Bond universe together. It's not exactly a snug fit. While some elements click, others do not.

I wouldn't consider this story core bond material, so unless you're a hardened Bond enthusiast (and I suspect there's quite a few of you out there), I wouldn't go hunting high and low for a copy of Playboy - January 1999.

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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Last Flight to Moscow

This seemed like the perfect book to start and finish while waiting in an airport, so that's exactly what i did, in between shopping for duty-free scotch whisky and checking the gate assignment board at Heathrow that never seems to be updated until twenty minutes before your flight, and then it changes like ten times. I always expect better of you, Britain. I expect that sort of nonsense from O'Hare, even JFK from time to time. Anyway...

As far as Nick Carter adventures go, this is one of the dumber ones. The entire assignment seems like it could have been wrapped up in about fifteen minutes and as many pages, but that wouldn't have been much of a book, so instead, everything is drawn out to near excruciating length. It seems to go around and around in a circle, with people doing stupid things simply because the author needs to fill out some additional pages. So it turns out that plans for the U.S.' Star Wars system have been stolen by a turncoat and sold to the Russians. If the Russian spy who has them makes it back to Moscow, then obviously they will use their knowledge of our new defense system to negate it and launch a massive nuclear strike against America. It is up to Nick Carter, obviously, to make sure the spy never make sit to Moscow.

The first problem, of course, is one of the book simply dating itself. Most of the Carter adventures are more or less timeless. Sure, they refer to current events of the day, but there's never really anything too absurd (the absurdity being reserved for the action itself). But pinning the fate of the entire world on Russia not finding out about the Star Wars program is sort of like an old sci-fi film that gloriously announces that it is set in the far-off, futuristic year of 1967, when we all have jet packs and homes on Mars. Had this book simply said, "They have the plans for our entire anti-nuclear defense system," things would have been fine. But specifically naming the pipe dream that was Star Wars makes the threat, in retrospect, rather difficult to take seriously -- and that's quite a feat in a series that features, among other things, a mad Chinese warlord with an dildo-based orgasm torture machine that makes you orgasm so much that you actually go insane.

But really, that's only the start of the trouble. Nick and his Russian opposite -- usually flanked by a KGB goon squad -- engage in all sorts of spyjinks at the Amsterdam airport when the flight to Moscow is delayed. This includes a number of violent shoot-outs that leave corpses all over the place, yet Nick casually walks away every time without ever being identified or stopped. Look, I know security then wasn't what it is now...actually, it probably was -- that being ineffectual and concentrating on inconveniencing us to make us feel safer without actually making us any safer. But even before 9/11 and the TSA and the liquids ban, there had to be some sort of security, even in a place like Holland, where everyone is a stoned prostitute in wooden clogs.

With the flight delayed, Nick goes off to bed some chick he knows, and the Russians just sort of drive around in circles, going to strip clubs. While this is probably what I would do (not knowing a wanton woman in Holland, strip club is the next best alternative, provided they have a decent bartender), I expect a Russian spy with the secret to Russia's ultimate victory to do something a little more decisive. Eventually, they go back to the airport, and Nick sabotages the plane for another delay. So everyone leaves. Then they go back, and Nick sabotages it again. So they leave. This goes on for a while, and then, eventually, the Russian hatches a ridiculously complex plot to fool Nick Carter, which of course, simply winds up with Nick shooting him dead in the airport.

Thing is, it's not a bad novel. It's all kind of entertaining in that way even the worst Nick Carter novels are. It's just really repetitive. And what's worse, it knows how repetitive it is, as characters constantly remark on why the Russians keep trying to catch the same flight, even after they know Carter is on the job to stop them. "Yes, but changing our plan is exactly what he will expect us to do!" they say, even though he keeps waiting for them at the airport, so obviously he didn't expect them to change their plans. Ahh yes, the ol' "you know that I know that you know" conundrum.

After the sex and violence packed Berlin, this one was a letdown. It's the first of the Nick Carter books I've read that were written in the 1980s, and while there's the seed of a good adventure, it's never really brought to fruition. It needed more subplots, better motivation for the Commies not doing anything, better explanation for Nick playing endless cat and mouse games instead of just killing the guy, and given how important the books wants us to think the stolen plans are, a better reason why there isn't an army of agents trying to retrieve them. In fact, the one other AXE agent who shows up seems about a hundred times more competent than Carter. Maybe next time, Hawk should assign that guy the job and send Carter along as back-up. But then, without Nick making stupid decisions and screwing everything up every step of the way, we just wouldn't have much of a book, would we. Although, frankly, we don't have much of a book either way this time around.

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Berlin

It's been far too long since I sat down with a sleazy Nick Carter adventure novel, but the time I spent waiting for my flight at the Edinburgh and London airports allowed me to finish Berlin and Last Flight to Moscow, as well as a Sam Durell novel (Assignment White Rajah). Berlin is pretty good -- yet another Nick Carter novel that would, if it was made into a movie, take longer to watch than it takes to read the book. I think this one took me about 70 minutes. So the story this time around finds Nick en route to meet a fellow secret agent. Unfortunately, Nick sees the boat on which that agent is riding explode, and in the ensuing chaos, only one survivor emerges. Lucky for Nick, it's a sexy, big breasted German chick who I assume looks a lot like Helga from the new American Gladiators. Despite the fact that she just survived an explosion that ripped everyone else to shreds, she's ready for sex with Nick in a matter of hours. And to no one's surprise who has read a Nick Carter novel, she also happens to be a freaky nympho. Oh, and her name is Helga as well.

Eventually, Nick gets around to picking up the mission left unfinished by the dead spy, and soon enough, he's up to his eyeballs in guys trying to kill him. Along the way, he commandeers the car of yet another sexy woman who will look at the fact that he steals her car, holds her at gunpoint, and then gets everything demolished by a train as a good reason to bed him. He also ends up trapped in East Germany after Helga is revealed to be an enemy agent who orchestrated the boat explosion (to no one's surprise but Nick's). The plot gets around to revealing that a German megalomaniac is involved in the usual: using Arab money to fund a new war against the Jews. Guys, give it up about the Jews. You're not going to exterminate them. Use your money for something better, like building a collection of ravenous hawks you use to hunt naked women and American super spies.

Plenty of good action this time around. It's all par for the course -- Nick has some car chases, some shoot outs, fucks an evil woman a few times, fucks a good girl a few times, gets captured, gets stripped naked, and then everything blows up at the end. Everything moves fast, and the whole thing is a prime example of Nick Carter at his ridiculous best.


Oh, Helga...!

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sea Dragon

Written By Jim Lawrence
Illustrated by Yaroslav Horak
Originally published in syndicated newspapers in Europe 1977
Currently published in ‘Death Wing’ by Titan Books 2007

More James Bond comic strip mayhem. Titan Books over than last few years have been producing a series of Graphic Novels featuring the classic James Bond newspaper strips. Each of these books contains multiple stories. Starting in 1958, originally the James Bond strip started out as a serialisation of Ian Fleming’s stories, but by 1968 they had run out of source material and started to invent their own stories. Sea Dragon was one of the later stories from 1977, and it can be found in the Death Wing graphic novel.

The story starts at sea in the Bahamas. Sir Ivor Morlock’s boat is at anchor and he is doing a spot of marlin fishing. As he dangles he line over the side, James Bond, using a back-pack helicopter flies out and lands on the boat. He has a warning for Sir Ivor. Apparently death threats have been made against him, and Bond advices him to sail into port and come into protective custody. Sir Ivor shrugs off the threats and claims to be perfectly safe at sea, away from the general population.

Sir Ivor goes back to his fishing, and it appears he has a bite. A big one. But rather than reel in a Marlin, he reels in a topless girl with a scuba tank. Once freed from the fishing line, the girl immediately jumps back over board. Bond thinks this is pretty suspicious and dives in after her in pursuit.

The boat then explodes killing Sir Ivor and all those on board. It is surmised that the female diver was an assassin you had planted limpet mines on the ships hull.

Naturally Bond survives the blast, but wakes up in hospital. While recuperating, and assassin sneaks into Bond’s room with a knife and tries to kill him. Bond naturally, survives the attack, but suspects that the nurse who has been caring for him is actually behind the attempt on his life. How else would the attacker know when Bond would be alone.

Once out of hospital, Bond pays a visit to the nurse’s home. Inside he finds a small fertility statuette. Coincidently, the girl who blew-up Sir Ivor Morlock’s boat had the same fertility god tattooed on her thigh. Back in London, Bond does a little research. He finds out that the fertility godess in question is called the ‘Magna Mater’. Enquiring about the statuettes at an auction house, Bond finds out that they have all recently been sold to a company called ‘She Unlimited’ – a chain of companies, run by women, for women.

‘She Unlimited’ have a giant skyscraper in the centre of London. Bond decides to pay them a visit with a special helicopter devised by Q-Branch. At the flick of a switch, as Bond flies overhead, the helicopter appears to belch smoke and leak oil. Bond performs a mock emergency landing on top of the ‘She Unlimited’ building.

Bond, adopting the alias Mark Hazard, finds that the head of ‘She Unlimited’, Magda Mathers is most accommodating. She has her own team of mechanics attend to Bond’s helicopter while she entertains Bond in the palatial pool in the buildings penthouse suite. Bond hadn’t brought any swimming attire, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem for Magda Mathers who seems content to parade around naked anyway.

Once Bond’s helicopter is fixed, he is sent on his way. As there was nothing really wrong with the helicopter, Bond finds it rather suspicious that they had to carry out a series of lengthy repairs on the machine. Bond’s suspicions are correct as the helicopter has had a time bomb planted in it and it is set to explode. Luckily Bond is onto the ruse and leaps out over the Thames as the copter goes up in a ball of flame.

Meanwhile at sea, Max Goodstone is on his boat when it is attacked by a sea monster. The monsters head reaches up and grabs Goodstone and gobbles him up. It so happens that Max Goodstone and Sir Ivor Morlock were two of the three directions of a North Sea Oil Consortium, which Magda Mathers wants to buy into. The third director of the company is a Frenchman named Jacques Vizard. Bond figures that Vizard will be the next target for Madame Magda Mathers murderess ways. Bond flies to France but is too late.

The controlling interest in the North Sea Oil Consortium falls to Vizard’s daughter. Angelique, and now as you’ve no doubt guessed, Madame M is now after her.

Sea Dragon is a brisk and extremely entertaining Bond adventure. Like all the stories scripted by Jim Lawrence, Bond is written as a Cockney with plenty of ‘ere Luv type dialogue. At times he comes across more like Willie Garvin from the Modesty Blaise comic strip than the suave sophisticated James Bond. Despite this, Bond’s actions are still very Bond like, and the story has a great climax, which involves Bond battling the Sea Dragon.

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Friday, June 20, 2008

The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 3

Don McGregor and Gary Caldwell
Dark Horse Comics 1995
Cover painting by Christopher Moeller

Here we are, about to launch into the final book in The Quasimodo Gambit saga. So far, Bond has been in numerous fist fights and guns battles. He has been knocked out once. Has had to escape from a burning cane field and a whole slither of snakes. Then he had his mouth forced open and leeches placed under his tongue, which burrowed into the soft fleshy membranes beneath. Sure, Bond has survived much more than this, but he is a little worse for wear as we move forward. As this is the last book in a series of three, this micro review may contain spoilers. Naturally I won’t reveal the ending, but as this is a Bond story, it’s not hard to connect the dots from the various scraps of information I give you. But if you are willing to proceed, then read on.

When we last left James Bond, he had been tortured by Maximillian ‘Quasimodo’ Steel in Georgia. So he is a little slow to get back to where the action is. In New York City however, Nebula Valentine and Felix Leiter are on the job and are following Reverend Elias Hazelwood. Little do they realise that they too have picked up a tail, in the hunchbacked form of Maximillian ‘Quasimodo’ Steel. Nebula and Felix are led into a trap where they are surrounded by Quasimodo and his men. Both are given a good beating and left battered and bleeding on the street. Nebula requires hospitalisation.

Bond finally makes in to New York from the Georgia Swamps and is dismayed at the damage that Quasimodo has done to the beautiful young Nebula Valentine. This attack only strengthens Bond’s resolve to bring down Hazelwood’s whole organisation and to settle his own personal vendetta with Quasimodo.

In Hazelwood’s mind New York stands for everything that has become godless in the world. He intends to send out a message denouncing the Satan’s existence in the modern world. To do this, he has chosen to destroy a skyscraper – 666 Fifth Avenue, near Rockefeller Centre. Hazelwood is convinced he is on the side of the angels and this attack is the first in his war against the devil.

Quasimodo and Ernest ‘Light Touch’ Force are Hazelwood’s foot soldiers who will carry out this daring deed. They were both mercenaries once and know how to handle and use high explosives. They go to work planting their explosives in the ceiling of the Hackensack Novelty Company which has its offices of the fifteenth floor of the Three Sixes Building.

Teamed with Felix Leiter, who has made a quick recovery after the beating me took earlier in the day, James Bond has one lead left – a girl named Gretchen Blair has been linked to Elias Hazelwood, and she works for the Hackensack Novelty Company. Putting the pieces together – threats to destroy the beast – large amount of high explosives – plans of a New York skyscraper – a known accomplice who works in a building designated ‘666’ – Bond surmises that Hazelwood and his cronies intend to blow up the Three Sixes Building. He gets Felix to pilot a chopper up to the building so he can check inside with night vision goggles. Inside he sees Quasimodo and other Disciples Of The Heavenly Way transferring the explosives into the ceiling. Not one to wait around, Bond swings from the chopper and crashes through the window surprising the perpetrators inside.

And that’s where I’ll leave the synopsis dear reader. Naturally Bond has his hands full taking on a skyscraper full of terrorists.

The notes at the back of the book reveals an interesting aspect about the production of The Quasimodo Gambit.
’...The Quasimodo Gambit was essentially written in late 1989 and early 1990, and that storyline was not inspired by the frightening bombing of the World trade Centre, nor the violent confrontation between law enforcement officials and members of an obscure religious sect in Waco, Texas.’

It makes sense that the story was written in late 1989. Thinking back to 1988, that was the year that Die Hard was released at the cinemas, with Bruce Willis singularly taking on a skyscraper full of terrorists at Christmas time. This final section of The Quasimodo Gambit is also set around Christmas time, with the giant Christmas trees in Rockefeller Centre providing a backdrop for some of the action. There are other similarities to Die Hard, the most obvious of which you can see on the front cover image at the top, is some scrounging around in elevator shafts.

All in all, The Quasimodo Gambit is a very enjoyable read. It has many flaws though, like silly character names, and a few small pacing issues – like Quasimodo makes it to New York to beat up on Felix and Nebula, long before Bond gets there, even though Bond has the aid of the US Coast Guard and all of Felix’s connections. And Felix’s rapid recovery after having his lights kicked out by Quasimodo is a bit far fetched – the guy is pretty amazing, even though he has been beaten up he can still hold a chopper steady with his steel claw (he lost his hand to sharks in Live And Let Die) while battling fierce wind drafts swirling up between the skyscrapers. Ah, but this is Bond! We’ve all seen and read more ridiculous actions scenes than that, so it’s easy to forgive.

In Part one of The Quasimodo Gambit, I suggested that James Bond is a perfect character for a series of comic book adventures – as long as they were done right. I've got to say, that Dark Horse got most of it right. I am still not convinced with Gary Caldwell’s illustration technique which I believe is a little too stiff – for Bond anyway. Bond should be fluid. He should move like a cat. But the story is certainly acceptable and I thought the torture scene was great. It must be difficult to come up with new beasties for Bond to contend with – cinematically we’ve had Spiders, Snakes, Piranhas, Sharks, Tigers, Scorpions and Rats. In books we’ve had centipedes, killer ants, eels, mosquitos and the list goes on. The Quasimodo Gambit’s creepy crawly sequence works.

Graphic Novels and comics aren’t for everyone, but if you’re interested in alternative Bond stories, then The Quasimodo Gambit is acceptable fair. If you can track down copies, they are worth the read.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 2

Don McGregor and Gary Caldwell
Dark Horse Comics 1995
Cover painting by Christopher Moeller

When we left The Quasimodo Gambit James Bond and fellow agent, Nebula Valentine had just had their asses kicked in Jamaica by a religious zealot, Reverend Elias Hazelwood, Ernest 'Light Touch' Force and Maximillian 'Quasimodo' Steel. At the end of the story they had made off with a semi-trailer full of weapons and C4 explosive.

Bond’s only lead is Elias Hazelwood, and his religious group, The Disciples Of The Heavenly Way. Bond decides to pay a visit to their Jamaican retreat. It is not so much a retreat, as a military compound. After scaling the walls and entering the compound, Bond discovers a shooting range, where The Disciples are being taught how to use semi-automatic weapons. Inside the building, Bond discovers a war room with a the plans to a New York building. He also finds the details of one of Hazelwood’s contacts. The man is Conan ‘The King’ Lash, and he is a ganga dealer.

While Bond’s snooping about, Quasimodo and Light Touch are meeting with Conan ‘The King’ Lash. He is preparing a shipment of bales of ganga to be smuggled into the United States. Quasimodo is arranging for bricks of C4 explosive to be hidden insides each of the bales. Quite simply, they are using ‘The King’ to smuggle their explosives into the United States at the same time as he moves his ganga.

Back at The Disciples Of The Heavenly Way’s compound, Bond is discovered and has to fight his way out. But Hazelwood’s men are not well trained (yet) and Bond escapes easily. Later he passes on the name Conan ‘The King’ Lash, to Nebula Valentine. She makes some enquiries and finds out where ‘The King’ has his ganga plantation. The Bond and Nebula decide to pay it a visit.

The plantation is hidden in the mountains and is quite a trek. Bond and Valentine decide to break up the trip with a sexual dalliance under a waterfall. Refreshed, they continue their journey to the plantation.

Upon arrival, Bond threatens to kill one of the guards unless he tells him about ‘The King’s’ next shipment. With a machete at his throat, the guard tells all. The delivery is to be made at a place called Twisted River in the Georgia Swamps. Bond then makes a call to his old friend Felix Leiter. Felix arranges for Bond to fly to the US, join a Coast Guard Patrol Ship. When the ganga delivery is about to be made, Bond and the Coast Guard intervene. ‘The King’ tosses his bales of ganga overboard and tries to make it out of the swamp and back out to sea and into international waters. As the Coast Guard purse ‘The King’, Bond dives overboard and begins to inspect one of the floating bales. Inside the ganga bale, he finds the block of C4 explosive.

Bond paddles to shore, only to be discovered by Light Touch. The two men get into a fight, but Quasimodo sneaks up on Bond and knocks him out. Bond is taken prisoner.

When Bond awakens he is bound to a tree. Quasimodo decides to do a spot of interrogation and find out who Bond works for. Naturally Bond refuses to talk, so Quasi turns to more unconventional methods of persuasion. He uses leeches. He puts a few on Bond’s face and allows them to burrow, looking for blood. But this is not the worst of it. Quasi, then has Light Touch force Bond’s mouth open so he can place two leeches under his tongue. Then he seals Bond’s mouth with adhesive tape. I must say, even though the illustrations are not too explicit (apart from the cover, of course), this torture scene really plays well in the theatre of the mind. It is a well put together and at times excruciating passage in the book. It’s what we all expect in a Bond story – a bloody good torture scene.

As with all Bond stories, Bond manages to escape and makes it out of this rather intense predicament (As before, I’m not going to tell you the whole story – I’ll save some surprises).

The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 2 doesn’t move the story forward a heck of a lot, but it does tick a few of the boxes we expect ticked in a Bond story. We get a sex scene and a torture scene. Can we ask more than that? I think not.

The story concludes in The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 3

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Friday, June 13, 2008

The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 1

Don McGregor and Gary Caldwell
Dark Horse Comics 1995
Cover painting by Christopher Moeller

In some ways it is very difficult to review a comic book or a graphic novel as most of the story is told in pictures, and a good illustrator can pack quite a bit of information into just a few pages. Reverting the images to a text format for review purposes is quite tricky, stopping short of reviewing each panel, the way it is drawn, the colour schemes, and the mood it evokes. But to do that, I’d end up with a full length novel. So treat this as a simplified overview.

Just by their very nature, comic book stories are full of action and incident. Leaping about, firing guns, driving fast cars, and bedding beautiful women is perfect fodder for this medium. As you may well know, James Bond, Secret Agent 007, excells at these pastimes. Therefore Bond is a perfect character for a series of comic book adventures – as long as they’re done right, of course! The Quasimodo Gambit is a three part series from the mid nineties, courtesy of Dark Horse Comics.

The story opens in Jamaica and the Undertaker’s Wind is blowing in. A girl with night vision goggles is checking out a warehouse when she is noticed by a brutish thug who is patrolling the area. He is about to do away with her, when down from the rooftops drops James Bond – Secret Agent 007 for Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Bond takes care of the guard, but the noise brings another two out of the woodwork. Bond tackles one, and the second has his nose broken when the girl whacks him in the face with her night vision goggles.

The girl’s name is Nebula Valentine (Oh, c’mon! What kind of name is that? It makes Lovey Kravzit and Justine Lovesit seem poetic.) Anyway, Miss Valentine is a liaison officer for Jamaica House and Bond’s contact on the mission. It seems that an international arms dealer named ‘Rifle’ has a pre-arranged meeting at the warehouse later in the evening. Now all Bond and Valentine have to do is wait for him to turn up.

This provides and opportunity for a flashback to Bond’s initial briefing in M’s office. Bond is given a dossier on Jefferson Rifle, AKA: Elvis Sinatra, and Morecock Evans. Stop, Stop! Dear reader I am not making this stuff up. These are the character names listed in the story. I mean ‘Elvis Sinatra’ – you’ve got to be shitting me. It’s a joke name and not a very good joke at that. And ‘Morecock’ - groan... Maybe I should set up a library of stupid names for future Bond characters. That way, when an author is struggling for a good name they can select from a colourful catalogue full of gems such as; Geoffrey Trousersnake or Chrysanthemum Cleavage. Or how about Astyn Martyn – which people will think is clever because it sounds like the car, but it isn’t. Actually, Astyn Martyn is a young teenage girl – the illegitimate daughter of Lady Rose McCartin Martyn and James Bond. As the girl (and the affair with Bond) are an embarrassment to Lady Rose, young Astyn is sent to an all-girl boarding school where she gets into all manner of scrapes and mischief – that bad Bond blood, y’know! One day, while walking on the beach, young Astyn finds...I’ve gone too far, haven’t I? Maybe it’s time to get back to The Quasimodo Gambit.

So we have a bad guy named Jefferson Rifle. Riffle has a pock marked face caused by infection of childhood chicken pox scratched open by dirty fingernails. Not because he has a pock marked head and dirty finger nails, but because he is a dirty arms dealer, M assigns Bond to ‘stop’ Rifle.

Back to the mission in Jamaica: Bond and Nebula Valentine don’t have to wait long. Jefferson Rifle arrives at the warehouse ready to make his deal. Watching from the shadows are three men. The first is Reverend Elias Hazelwood – he is an American Tele-Evangelist and is the head of a religious order called The Disciples Of The Heavenly Way. Next to Hazelwood is Ernest ‘Light Touch’ Force who is a mercenary. The third and most imposing member of the trio is the giant Maximillian ‘Quasimodo’ Steel. Steel is called Quasimodo because he has a swollen hump of muscle and flesh on his back. Quasimodo used to be a real bad-ass soldier, but through Hazelwood has found God. Now Quasimodo only kills and maims in God’s name. These three characters are the buyers that Rifle is waiting for, and they have come to buy a shit-load of weapons.

Once they feel they are safe, Hazelwood, Quasimodo and Light Touch come out to make their deal. Rifle has the weapons loaded in a semi-trailer and hands over the keys. As the Reverend is about to hand over the money, Bond and Valentine spring into action. Of course it isn’t a simple arrest, and it turns into an armed confrontation. Light Touch tries to draw a pistol on Bond, but Nebula shoots him in the shoulder. Light Touch drops to the ground. The Reverend who is a stranger to armed confrontation freezes, while Bond heads around to the back of the semi-trailer and confronts Quasimodo. Rifle makes his way to the cab of the truck and tries to take off with the load of weapons not realising Bond and Quasimodo are in the back. In the moving truck, Bond looses his advantage and the two men end up wrestling in a avalanche of falling gun crates. Rifle has trouble controlling the truck at speed and swerves into a wall. His head goes through the windscreen rendering him temporarily unconscious.

Meanwhile Hazelwood regains his composure and tries to scarper. Nebula chases after him and wrestles him to the ground. Although injured and bleeding, Light Touch is back on his feet now and pulls Rifle from the cab of the truck and takes over the controls. He drives off with Quasimodo and Bond still slugging it out on the back. Rifle, who is dazed and blinded by a sheet of blood down his face, walks into the path of the truck and is killed.

With Light Touch at the wheel, the truck snakes it’s way out of the danger area and into a sugar cane plantation. Light Touch pulls up and both Bond and Quasimodo fall from the back of the truck. Bond quickly seeks cover in the cane. Now armed, Quasimodo and Light Touch begin searching for Bond. It’s slow work, so Light Touch decides to speed things up by setting fire to the cane. He does this by lobbing in a grenade. The cane goes up in a wall of flame. A wall that is heading directly towards Bond. And to make it a little more terrifying, it’s isn’t just the flames that are a threat, but also all the snakes that are driven ahead of the flames.

Needless to say Bond makes it out of this predicament (I’m not going to tell you the whole story – I have to save some surprises). But even though his initial target, Rifle is now history, it seems far worse that now a religious fanatic and a psychotic hunch-back now have their hands on a whole shipment of weapons.

But how Bond deals with this new threat will be revealed in The Quasimodo Gambit – Part 2.

This Bond adventure is a bit of a slow starter, but once the wheels start to turn, it’s not too bad. And the sequence in the sugar cane is exceptionally good. Obviously, I have a bit of an issue with the poor character names in the story, but on the whole Don McGregor’s script isn’t bad at all, and it appears that he has at least done a little bit of homework, alluding to Fleming’s literary world on a few occasions. If I have a criticism of the writing – and this may be sheer co-incidence – is that the name Valentine was used in John Gardner’s Bond continuation novel Scorpius, which was released in 1988. Scorpius features a dodgy religious leader called Father Valentine, who is the leader of a sect called The Meek Ones. It’s been quite a few years since I have read Scorpius and my memory is at best hazy, but the similarities seem obvious.

As for the art, while obviously Calwell is a very talented illustrator, his artwork is very stiff and static. Each illustration is like a frozen snapshot. There is little feeling of movement in each frame, and even less movement linking one frame to the next. He has a great feeling for mood, but is less effective in action scenes, which I would have though would be imperative when bringing Bond to life in a comic book format.

All in all, this is a pretty good little if somewhat flawed adventure. I’ll try to post the next two instalments over the next few days.

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Friday, June 06, 2008

Sexton Blake And The Demon God

John Garforth, Mirror Books (1978)

I first read Sexton Blake And The Demon God when I was stranded in rural New South Wales a few years back. There had been a bit of a stuff-up with a train booking and I found myself without a seat and a day to kill in the small town of Quirindi. As I didn’t know anyone, and the town isn’t large enough to wander off and explore (not for very long, anyway), I adjourned to the nearest pub; pulled up a barstool, ordered a schooner of Toohey’s Old and allowed myself to be drawn into the world of Sexton Blake.

For those unfamiliar with Sexton Blake, allow me to throw a bit of light on the character. Sexton Blake is a detective, who happens to live on Baker Street in London (like another very popular fictional detective). Blake first appeared in the late 19th Century, but the character really took off in the golden age of pulp fiction in the 1920’s and 30’s. This quote from the Introduction of Sexton Blake Lives (J. M Dent & Sons Ltd) by Jack Adrian describes the basic difference between Sherlock Holmes and Sexton Blake:

“Holmes was of course no stranger to the fistic of defensive arts (he’d boxed at college and had even mastered “baritsu’ before it had been invented), but his adventures on the whole were physically undemanding. During the course of an investigation rarely was it the case, for instance’ that a skilfully wielded blackjack caused a Stygian pit of black unconsciousness to rear up and engulf him till he knew no more. Blake on the other hand, in case after case, went through the mill. He was slugged, clubbed, chloroformed, gassed, knifed, dynamited, run down, gunned down, injected with poison, ejected from planes, hurled over cliffs, pushed in front of trains, almost devoured by man-eating plants, virtually sucked dry of his ‘life essence’, nearly shot to the moon in a rocket – and the number of times the floor suddenly dropped from beneath him must run into four figures.”

In this instance though, this Blake adventure is not from the golden age of pulp fiction. It is an adaptation of an episode from the Sexton Blake BBC television series from 1978. I have never seen the series, but most reports from Blake aficionados regard the series as a travesty. I, on the other hand found the book to be a rip-snorting adventure. Of course time has eroded my memory of the story, but it begins with a stolen mummy from the British museum, and ends with a ritualistic virgin sacrifice to The Demon God – Horozohorus – in an ancient temple. The book is only a measly 144 pages so it can be devoured pretty quickly, and as the page count is small, very little time is wasted on boring stuff like character development. It’s adventure all the way.

I have read that Sexton Blake And The Demon God is the last original Sexton Blake story. My source is 20 years old – so that may not be the case, and I truly hope that it isn’t. Sexton Blake survived as a popular literary character for nearly a century. Unlike James Bond or Holmes, Blake has never really been the creation of one author, and as such I believe he is the perfect fodder for continuation novels. But somehow I don’t really see this as happening. It would be a shame if now, he is forgotten and relegated to history.

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Friday, April 04, 2008

Golgo 13: Supergun

Created by Takao Saito
English version published by Viz Media 2006

Just a quick one, but because I have looked at a few Golgo 13 movies in Shrimps Chips, I thought entirely appropriate at this time. Despite my recent Shrimps, I am hardly an expert on Manga films. In total, the animé feature films I have watched could be counted on one hand. And I hate to admit, my ignorance of Manga comics is even greater. But Golgo 13 is a character whose adventures I have enjoyed, and when I saw a copy of one of the Manga comics I had to pick it up. Now Golgo 13 has been carrying out ‘hits’ for over four decades, and as the cover of this book states that it was ‘created’ by Takao Saito, rather than ‘written’ by, I’d guess these adventures were put together by some new kids on the block. I say ‘these’ because there are two stories in the book, the first major story is The Gun At Am Shara and the second lesser one is called Hit And Run.

What surprised me about the book is that it doesn’t take place in a fictional universe, it happens in our world and uses real events as a backdrop. The major story, The Gun At Am Shara uses the aftermath of the Gulf War as it’s setting and Saddam Hussein as a villain. The President of the United States, although never named, looks a lot like Bill Clinton.

The Supergun is not a reference to Golgo 13’s marksmanship, or even the weapon he is carrying on the front cover. It refers to a gigantic cannon built by Saddam Hussein and hidden at a secret dam facility in Iraq. Once again I was very surprised by the story. From the films, I had an impression of the type of story I would get, but this is just a bloody good espionage story. The beginning could come from a movie like The Peacemaker or Patriot Games with high tech satellite imaging, and boffins interpreting the intel. In fact the first 50 pages of the book are filled with this – and while it is fascinating and laying down a nice platform for the story, it also means that we are 50 pages into the story before Golgo 13 makes an appearance.

Golgo’s mission? Well it’s not a hit – is to go into Iraq and destroy the cannon, but not the dam. In this story, Golgo is not a hitman, but employed by the American Government as a secret agent. It’s a bit of a character turn-around, and I don’t know if this is ‘updating’ the character for a modern audience - as we a living in a time of ‘terror’, or simply the ‘new kids’ who have written this tale, have not been particularly faithful to Saito’s original character.

I really enjoyed this book, but not as a Golgo 13 adventure. As you’d be aware by now, that I love my spy films and books, and on that level, this book really satisfies, but as a Golgo 13 story (from my limited experience) this appears to be very different.

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Friday, March 21, 2008

Operation Snake

Tandem Books 1969

I hate to admit it, but I was a Nick Carter virgin. I had never read any of Carter's adventures, which is practically a criminal offence here at Teleport City. I figured I’d better quickly rectify the situation and ducked into the nearest second hand book shop. I only had two to chose from, and for an old paperback, at a fairly inflated price. They must be collectible around here?

The two choices were Operation Snake from the late 1960’s and Tunnel For Traitors published in 1986. Just by looking at the cover image, you can tell why I went for ‘Snake’ first.

This adventure starts with Nick Carter, Agent N3 for AXE travelling in an old DC3 to Khumbu in the heart of the Himalayas. During his flight he flashes back to his mission briefing with Hawk. In Nepal, a religious leader named Ghotak – the Head of the Teeoan People and Snake Society – is planning a coup which will see the Red Chinese taking over Nepal. The Nepalese people fear Ghotak because all who have opposed him have been slain by the Yeti. Yes, the Abominable Snowman. Carter’s contact in Katmandu is Leeunghi, who is an aid to the King.

Carter lands in Khumbu and meets his first contact. He is a fellow agent named Harry Angsley. Angsley is in hospital on his deathbed. He tells Carter that he must go to the Tesi Pass, where he will be met by a guide who will take him the rest of the way. Adding to the mix is a meddlesome English reporter named Hilary Cobb. She tries to tag along with Carter, but he refuses. In response she arranges for Carter’s equipment to be stolen. Carter realises she is behind the theft, and pretends to have changed his mind. She can come along after all. He will co-operate.

Cobb returns his equipment, but suddenly the fun and games are over. Carter strips her down, ties her to a chair, slaps her across the face and tweaks her nipple. Politically correct, Nick Carter aint! He tells her to go home, and leaves her tied up.

Carter then begins his trek through the mountains to the Tesi Pass. Here he is met by a guide who leads Carter further up into the mountains. As they rest, the guide attacks Carter, and tries to send him flying over an ice ledge. Carter gives as good as he gets and kills the impostor. He then marches back down to the pass and meets his real guide. Her name is Khaleen, the daughter of his contact Leeunghi. Naturally she is a looker. She leads him to Katmandu and into the world of Ghotak. Ghotak isn’t happy to have Carter in his world, and arranges for a trio of killer monks to take care of him. But, as you’ve guessed, Nick Carter knows how to take care of him self and gives the monks a lesson in the ways of unarmed combat.

Later that night there is a ritual being overseen by Ghotak. A ritual to honour the fertility of the Spirit of Karkotek, Lord Of All Serpents. It’s at this ritual that Carter and Leeunghi intend to expose Ghotak as a charlatan. Their plan doesn’t go as planned. The ritual is more of an orgy than a religious ceremony and Khaleen get’s drawn onto the stage, and starts to writhe around and disrobe. Nick goes to her rescue, while Leeunghi enters into a slanging match with Ghotak. As it is one man’s word against another the Nepalese need a sign or symbol to show who’s telling the truth. The end result being that Leeunghi has to go up into the mountains. If he speaks the truth, in three days he will return safely. If Ghotak speaks the truth, then the Yeti will slay Leeunghi. Now it’s up to Nick Carter to reveal the truth and save the day.

As my first introduction to Nick Carter, I was pretty impressed with Operation Snake. It was better written than I though it would be. It has some good, tight, descriptive passages. And as expected, it was fast paced, violent and with a healthy does of sex thrown in. I realise that the Nick Carter books are written by different authors, so the story telling quality can vary from one book to the next. I notice that this one is written in first person, where Tunnel For traitors is written in third person. I am fond of first person narratives, as you feel you are making the journey with the hero, rather than just having it reported back to you. So on this level, if your a Nick Carter fan, I would highly recommend this entry in the series.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Central Asian Adventure

Been working my way through a series of books about the struggle for empire in Central Asia, circa 1800-1918...

The Great Game by Peter Hopkirk, being an account of the struggle to conquer or at least influence Central Asia undertaken by the British and Russian empires during the 1800s. Absolutely fascinating history, and regardless of your opinion of empire building or the Russo-British opinion that their countries were entitled to rule the world, some of the agents and explorers both sides sent into the largely unmapped and incredibly violent and hostile Central Asian wilderness were incredibly ballsy. I mean, when you start every mission knowing full well there is an 85% chance you will end up dying of exposure in the desert or with your head hanging out front of some local potentate's palace entrance, that takes some nerve. Although it's largely a history of the struggle between Russia and England, the look at the geography, cultures, and wild diversity of the Central Asian countries is equally as fascinating. I'm still amazed by how it can go "desert, desert, murderous tribe, mountains, desert, mountains, murderous tribe, mountains, massive palace made of gold."

I have to say, at no point in my reading career have I so desperately wanted to reach into a book or back through history and soundly throttle someone. General Elphinstone has got to be one the most colossal idiots in the history of military endeavors. But I guess that's what you get when you put in charge a man whose name was apparently taken from someone's Hobbit fanfic. Seriously? Who falls for "No, this time I won't massacre your troops. Ha ha! Got you. OK, no, seriously, this time I won't do it. Oh man! You fell for it again. OK, OK, no, OK, this time I swear..." like nine times. Is there something in the water that makes military leaders completely lose their senses when they enter Afghanistan?

Like Hidden Fire: Peter Hopkirk's follow-up to The Great Game, this one detailing Germany's late but enthusiastic entry into Central Asiatic empire building, circa 1890-1914, with the focus being on Germany and Turkey's efforts to foment a Holy War against England and Russia throughout Central Asia and India. As with the last book, Hopkirk tells the story through the stories of the men on both sides who were involved in the various adventures and intrigues. What's most striking here -- as it was with the end of The Great Game is the vast alteration in the environment. When the Great Game started, it was one guy here or there struggling against impossible odds and certain death in territories that were practically impossible to reach. By the end, a mere hundred or so years later, the difference in the ability to travel and the familiarity with Europeans in these previously inaccessible regions is striking. By this second book, railroads and roads have transformed once romantic and foreboding names like Kashgar, Samarkand, and Bhokara into mere stops along the way.

But what's even more striking is the vast gulf between German diplomatic language and that of Russia and England. Whenever England or Russia annexed a piece of Asia for their own use, the move was accompanied by profuse bowing and syrupy diplomatic assurances that what was done was done in the best interest of the people, who were excited for British/Russian rule, and of course, we will be leaving the very second the region has stabilized, etc etc. By sharp contrast, when Germany takes over Tsingtao in China, their diplomatic announcement afterward went something like, "We have crushed them, and all of China will shake as they feel the iron grip of German awesomeness tighten around their puny necks."

As always, a fascinating subject, made even more fascinating on account of it now combines two of my favorite subjects -- 19th Century exploration, adventure, and intrigue; and World War I.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

You Only Live Twice

After the critical and popular misfire of The Spy Who Loved Me -- A literary experiment that was noble in intention but fell apart in execution -- the pressure was on Ian Fleming to deliver a top notch Bond adventure to make up for things. At the same time, it's obvious that Fleming was beyond the point of wanting to crank out another by the numbers book. He was going to have to find a way to work within the expectations people had of what a James Bond book would deliver to them, but find ways to tweak and alter the formula where he could. The result was On Her Majesty's Secret Service, regarded by many -- if not, indeed, most -- people as the finest Bond adventure Fleming ever wrote. For most of its pages, it is an exceptionally well executed but formulaic Bond adventure. The twist comes near the end, which leaves Bond an emotionally shattered man, cradling the body of his dead wife.

No one was expecting such a visceral punch to the story, and all ill will generated by The Spy Who Loved Me was largely forgotten. People were shocked and enthralled, and needless to say, they were hungry to know what happens next. Fleming answered that question with You Only Live Twice.

You Only Live Twice was described to me as featuring a James Bond who has completely broken down and become more or less unable to function in society, let alone in the high-risk, high-pressure world of being an international jet setter and assassin. The prospect of reading about Bond attempting to complete a mission in that state of mind seemed fascinated, and even more ambitious than Fleming's last book. Whether or not Fleming would have been up to the task will remain unknown though, for while You Only Live Twice does indeed begin with Bond as a shattered man, it isn't long before that fragile state is dropped in favor of Bond more or less as we've always known him, rambling around Japan with his new buddy Tiger Tanaka. While this may not be as challenging as the way the book is often pitched to people, it's not necessarily a bad think, as I personally have my doubts as to whether or not Ian Fleming would have written a good novel under the yoke of keeping Bond destroyed. As it is presented to us, You Only Live Twice turns out to be a fabulous adventure lent more depth thanks to the previous book.

M is torn as to what do with Bond, and seems to waver radically between nursing the agent back to health, firing him, or just having him killed. Indeed, sympathy for Bond seems to be wearing thin within the ranks, as many other agents and employees had undoubtedly lost loved ones as well, and Bond's period of incompetence due to mourning seems to be dragging on far longer than it should. Though it's never expressly explored, Bond's reaction to Tracey's death and his prolonged depression after it despite being so familiar with the Grim Reaper himself, lends itself to interesting chances to theorize about Bond's mental state as a whole and the psychology of the way he often latches somewhat desperately onto women and falls in love instantly. But if these examinations were intended by Fleming, they are never really expounded upon in the book, and it would have been irritating if they were.

Eventually it is decided that the best way to snap Bond out of his deep blue funk is to saddle him with an impossible, but not entirely dangerous, assignment. This turns out to be negotiating a secret services treaty with the Japanese, headed by a gruff and stubborn character named Tiger Tanaka. Bond bellyaches a little bit about the nature of his assignment, but once he arrives in Japan, he does indeed shake off much of his depression as he throws himself headlong into the difficult task of dealing with the Japanese -- and Japanese secret agents, at that. Luckily, Tanaka is exactly the kind of man Bond always develops man crushes on, a boisterous, good-natured bear of a man with a warm, dry handshake (essential if you want Bond to like you) and an appetite for the finer things in life.

Bond discovers that Tanaka is willing to agree to England's proposed cooperation treaty if Bond does Japan a favor -- and it is here that the nature of Bond's mission in Japan is altered drastically. It seems that a Westerner has taken up residence in a giant castle in the south of Japan and there cultivated a garden comprised entirely of deadly poisonous plants and animals. This garden has, in turn, become a popular spot for Japanese looking to kill themselves, suicide being one of Japan's national pastimes. Tanaka himself can't move against the man, who has technically committed no crime even if the secret service suspects him of far more nefarious schemes, but perhaps an outsider could have a look around and see what might be done about this mysterious and eccentric doctor of death.

Bond agrees and soon finds himself in "how to be Japanese classes," including ninjitsu training, so that he might work undercover from his new base in a small fishing community, where his assistant in matters will be one female agent, Kissy Suzuki. As hardly needs mentioning, Bond will eventually discover the true identity of this mysterious doctor to be of keen personal interest. Once again, it's another fairly massive coincidence, unless of course, you operate under the assumption I do that M knows far more when he sends Bond on these adventures than he admits to knowing.

Although the events of the previous book cast a palpable gloom over You Only Live Twice, this story itself is largely another one of Bond's breezy sightseeing tours along with another cool guy. They cruise around, get massages, drink sake, and spend the entire middle section of the book sort of wandering around Japan so that Fleming can deliver various travelogue passages. Fine by me, really, as these aspects of the books have always been among my favorites. Once Blofeld reemerges on the scene, things obviously get more serious, resulting in You Only Live Twice being a curious but very effective blend of lighthearted adventures like Diamonds are Forever with the dark, emotional seriousness of On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

With You Only Live Twice, Fleming delivers a complex story, well rendered and expertly paced, if not a bit far-fetched in certain aspects. It has the speed and adventure of the best action-oriented Bond stories -- Doctor No and Thunderball, for example -- but is a decidedly denser, more complicated work, showing that Fleming really had improved tremendously at his chosen vocation. If there is any weak spot in the book, it comes int he final pages, which while ending on another spectacular cliffhanger, also resort to one of the hoariest cliches imaginable. Still, that's small complaint when surrounded by such a fantastic novel as this, and as with On Her Majesty's Secret Service, the final page of You Only Live Twice leaves me ravenous for more.

That more would come in the form of The Man With the Golden Gun, the final James Bond novel written by Ian Fleming....

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Thursday, February 21, 2008

Avakoum Zahov Versus 07

Written by Andrei Gulyaski
Published by Scripts Publishing 1967

I generally lounge around in a dinner suit, seated in a candy coloured bean bag, nursing a vodka martini while watching spy films from the sixties. But today, with your indulgence, I am going to slip into a burgundy crushed velvet smoking jacket, light my pipe, pour myself a balloon of brandy and make my way to the library. I have a strange little story to tell. It’s the story of a book called Avakoum Zarhov vs 07

Now after scouring the internet (and there isn’t that much information out there – most use Wikipedia), I have worked this much out. How much of this is true, is open to debate...and I am sure there are people out there who have a far greater knowledge of this project than I (if you are one of them – I’d love to hear from you). Firstly, we are talking mid sixties. Ian Fleming is dead and Kinglsey Amis hasn’t yet written his Bond continuation novel Colonel Sun. So there is a gap to fill. Apparently Bulgarian author Andrei Gulyashki approached Glidrose (the Bond book publishers) and told them that he had written a NEW James Bond novel. Glidrose weren’t interested. Gulyashki decided to publish his book anyway. Gulyashki was quite vocal in his quest to publish his Bond novel. So much so, that the press dubbed him ‘The Vulgar Bulgar’.

In the Titan comic strip edition of Goldfinger, there is an article by Vladislav Pavlov entitled Behind Enemy Lines: The Russian Perspective. This is what he briefly has to say about Avakoum Zarhov vs 07.

'...Bulgarian writer Andrei Gulyashki (known for his series about the Bulgarian secret agent Avakoum Zakhov) announced his intention to write a novel in which his hero would be fighting the notorious 007. (Behind the Iron Curtain, the notion of copyright was always been a bit vague, to put it mildly). When it became known to the proprietors of the literary Bond franchise (Glidrose) they naturally banned Gulyaski from using either the number 007 or the name James Bond. As a result, the name of the villain disappeared and the number 007 was shortened to 07, the British agent acting in Bulgaria under the control of the NATO intelligence division.

In his book Gulyashki did all he could to defame the character, picturing him as mean and stupid, substituting, in a way, the role of 07 for the Russian SMERSH leaders described by Fleming in From Russia With Love. There was, however, one notable exception: whilst Fleming, describing the villains in such a grotesque way, was only pulling the reader's leg, Gulyashki's villain, created for the benefit of Soviet propaganda, looks infinitely dull and serious. The book has been rumoured to have been published in English, and is even considered a kind of Holy Grail amongst some Bond collectors for it's extreme rarity. However, few people realise that the carpenter's cup can't be made of gold.'


The rumours that Pavlov mentioned are true. Avakoum Zarhov vs 07 was published in English, but only in Australia by a company called Scripts. Firstly as you would have gathered from the information above, this is not an official James Bond novel, but still it's a Bond story and one that not many people will have a chance to read about, so I will be fairly detailed in my description. Without further ado, here is a review of the Holy Grail of Bond books - the one, the only, the infamous Avakoum Zarhov vs 07.




FROM THE INSIDE COVER:
07 had been given his assignment. He must kidnap a Soviet scientist who had just perfected the deadliest laser yet devised...

A thrilling adventure of intrigue and fast paced action unfolds as Avakoum Zahov pursues the wily western spy through Bulgaria to Paris, then Tangiers and finally confronts him in the ice-locked vastness of the Antarctic...

“Zahov was slipping over the edge of the bottomless crevasse. 07 towered above him. Zahov tried to hold on but he couldn’t. His feet dangled into emptiness. 07 aimed a kick at his face.”


The novel opens in London. 07 has just returned from a mission in the Philippines and is now meeting The Chief (‘M’ is referred to as ‘The Chief’ of Department A) in an exclusive club on St. James Street. 07 isn’t given another mission, but told he has seven months to learn how to speak Russian like a native Muscovite.

Seven months later, 07 speaks fluent Russian and is called into another meeting with The Chief. Again he is not given a mission. Well, not officially anyway. In fact he is sent on leave. Paid leave. But all is not as it seems, because an officer from NATO is to call on 07 tomorrow. He will make a proposition which 07 can either choose to accept or reject.

The next day a NATO officer named Richard visits 07’s apartment. It seems the Soviets are in the process of inventing a new weapon.
“Some kind of H-bomb?”
“I wish it were as simple as that. No, in comparison to this new weapon, the H-bomb will be about as effective as one of those slings in the Bible they used to put bumps on the heads of the chosen of Israel! No, this is a highly developed laser beam which can disable electro-magnetic waves. Have you any idea what this means?”


I must confess that I don’t know what it means, but it sounds nasty. 07 thinks so too, and chooses to go ahead with the ‘unofficial’ mission.

07 moves onto Istanbul for the next section of the story. He meets a contact who provides a new passport and makes preparations to send 07 on his way to Bulgaria. The Soviets in this part of the world are not fools though and have a whole surveillance system dedicated to tracking 07’s whereabouts.

Avakoum Zahov enters the picture. His passion is archaeology and he is described as a ‘hunter of spies; and ancient monuments buried in the earth.’ But his mission is not to watch Agent 07. He is assigned to protect Professor Konstantin Troffimov. Troffimov is to attend a symposium on Quantum Electronics in Varna. He made world headlines when ‘he discovered a laser ray which could not be refracted by any mirror surface and which could penetrate all matter and totally paralyse all kinds of eletro magnetic waves...’

The arrangement is that Professor Stanilov, one of Bulgaria’s top scientist, will play host to Troffimov at a small villa set beside the sea. Zahov arranges security at the villa, hand selecting a team of men to keep watch twenty four hours a day. Meanwhile, another Department B officer, Colonel Vassilev is assigned to watch 07’s movement. The Soviets know he is in the area, and that he is posing as a Swiss reporter, named Rene Lefevre.

Making preparation for Troffimov’s arrival at the villa, Zahov does his rounds, then heads to the beach side to check that out too. As he stares out to sea, he sees 07 swimming past. Elsewhare in Varna Professor Troffimov flies in from Moscow on a special military aircraft, and then is transported to the small villa. Zahov has agents everywhere to protect the Professor. There are two gardeners, and a valet who have been specifically chosen to protect Troffimov, as well as the usual detail of security staff.

Over the next few days, Troffimov attends the symposium. Everybody is expecting 07 to make a move to kidnap the Professor, but he has other things on his mind. It appears that Gulyashki thinks that Fleming's Bond is a lecherous swine. So he paints 07 in such a light.

"...when the chambermaid came in to pour some fresh water into the vase, he put his arm round the girl's waist and drew her to him. The girl did not seem particularly surprised, she only went on holding the pitcher. Then his hand slipped down the curve of her knee, lingering a second or two on the cool skin before travelling upwards. Who said that marble was the smoothest thing under the sun?

This piece of living marble had muscles and his hand felt them go rigid, then wake with life. So this white-aproned girl had the hips of a sportswoman! Lying on the chaise-lounge, he could not see her face, but that didn't matter. He drew her closer to him. The cluster of amber grapes hanging so near him made him giddy.

Then the empty ice-cold pitcher struck him on the chest. He was aware of the sensation because his chest was bare and his skin hot with the sun. Ice! The girl pulled herself away and burst out of the room."


For those who didn't 'get it', the 'cluster of amber grapes' that Gulyashki describes are in fact the girls breasts. He really makes 07 seem like a smutty schoolboy.

Anyway back to the plot. Colonel Vassilev's men are watching 07 closely. For the last few days during the symposium, 07 and a female companion spend time on a boat out to sea. Each day they row out, and frolic about. Sometimes 07 fishes, sometimes the couple just hold each other. Or so it seems. In fact it isn't always 07. He has an inflatable version of himself made up. He inflates it on the boat, dresses it in his clothes, and has his female accomplice hold the effigy in a loving embrace. Meanwhile he slips over the side of the boat in a wetsuit and sets in motion his kidnap operation.

After the last day of the symposium, 07 succeeds in kidnapping Professor Troffimov and his secretary, Natalia Nikolaevna. His infiltration of the small villa seems to be quite brutal. He kills one of the gardeners and a garage attendant, and severely injures the valet. Once again, Gulyashki's interpretation of the Bond character is quite different to what we are used to. Sure we know that Bond has a License To Kill and we have read about (or seen on the cinema screen) Bond killing people. But generally, everybody that Bond kills is trying to kill him. But in Gulyashki's novel 07's incursion isn't described (well not initially anyway - see below). Instead we see it through the eyes of Avakoum Zahov who arrives late on the scene. We see the brutal legacy that 07 has brought to bare on the staff of the villa. It's an interesting observation by Gulyaski. and one that has been lampooned in films like Austin Powers or even in a episode of The Simpsons (You Only Move Twice). 07's victims are not faceless or nameless henchmen, whose lives have no value. They are people who are just doing their job, and at the end of the day, go home to their family. 07 is portrayed as a real villain.

To escape the villa with his prisoners, 07 has Professor Stanilov drive out the front gate, with 07, Troffimov, and Nikolaevna hidden under a blanket in the back. How the sentries missed that one, I'll never know. At gunpoint Stanilov drive's them out of the city. Then three hours later, Stanilov's body is found lying beside a road (another example of Bond's brutality).

Avakoum Zahov sets up a command centre at his apartment. All roads, the airport and sea ports are closed off. Later Zahov's superiors gather to hear a report on the kidnapping. Zahov, with almost Holmseian powers of deduction has pieced together 07's movements. He recounts how 07 abducted the Professor:

"He stealthily climbed up the staircase. On the topmost landing he shot the other guard. The guard groaned as he rolled down the steps, his arms flung out, his face down. Dazed with sleep, the 'valet' had jumped up to open the door, but 07 was already on the threshold, striking the man's jaw with gun, and the 'valet' sunk to the floor.

The 'valet' was put out of the way and now the second round began. The Englishman stole out through the living room onto the veranda. The windows of both bedrooms were open. He drew the curtain aside, slipping into the first bedroom. 07 could tell by the breathing that it was occupied by the professor. He brought the cottonwool padding close to the sleeping man's nose. One second, two, three. 07 was patient. The breathing became irregular and lower, it was hardly audible. Then he took the syringe out of his pocket, and gripping the professor's arm at the elbow, plunged the needle into the muscles.

"It was an expert job because he had had a lot of practice at this. Now the professor would be fast asleep for many hours, perhaps for many days and nights.

"He did the same in the other bedroom. Natalia Nikolaevna also went into a death-like sleep.

"07 was thorough. After the job was finished, he left nothing behind, putting everything back in his pockets, even the vials.

"Then, one after the other, he took both Konstantin Troffimov and Natalia Nikolaevna into Stanilov's car. His muscles were well trained and carrying them, 60 to 65 kilograms each, was a mere detail. He went back for their luggage, leaving nothing behind. He placed the two drugged persons on the back seat, covering them with a sheet he had snatched off Natalia Nikolaevna's bed.

"That done, he tiptoed into Stanilov's room and roughly kicked him out of bed. Two slaps across the face brought him back to consciousness. They fought like two tigers. Why, we don't know. But the thieves had fallen out. Perhap's Stanilov was beginning to crack and 07 was ensuring that his tracks were completely covered. Anyway, in his jacket and trousers, with no shoes on his feet, Stanilov sat behind the wheel of the Citroen – that was the final act. maybe he felt the barrel of a gun at his back?"


After the kidnapping and killing Stanilov, 07 leaves Varna in a boat and sails to a pre-designated spot, where he is met by a freighter. 07, the Professor and his secretary are taken on board, and move on towards their next destination.

Of course it can't be left like that. Avakoum Zarhov must rescue Professor, and regain the ray. After a bit of investigation; scouring radio signals and breaking codes etc. the Soviets believe they have 07 located on a freighter in the Mediterranean. Unfortunately they do not know where he intends to make port. But the case must progress, so Zahov flies briefly to Paris. From intercepted radio signals, next he learns that one of the likely locations where 07 will put to port is Tangier. And furthermore, he is to be met by a man codenamed 'Hans'.

Zahov flies to Morrocco, and pretending to be a French Interpol Agent, makes his way to the German Embassy. There he enquires about German citizens who have arrived in Tangier over the last week. There had been five men, but four had moved on to other parts of the world. Only one had stayed. His name is Professor Paul Schellenberg. Zahov guesses that this is 'Hans'.

Schellenberg is a very paranoid man. He believes that people are trying to kill him. Maybe they are? He was a scientist during the War and now he is a wanted War Criminal, for work he carried out at Auschwitz.

Zahov has an interesting method for meeting Schellenberg. He arranges for a local taxi driver to attempt to side-swipe Schellenberg as he crosses the street. Zahov's plan is, at the last moment, to snatch him back from the 'jaws of death'. Zahov's plan goes like clockwork. He save's Schellenberg's life and in return is invited for a drink.

At a bar in a back alley, Schellenberg tells Zahov that he knows who he is. Schellenberg believes that Zahov is a body guard who has been sent to protect him (It is never really mentioned who Schellenberg believes would send a body guard, but it is heavily intimated that it is NATO). Zahov assumes the role, that Schellenberg has assigned to him. As a 'protective measure', Zahov suggests that Schellenberg sleeps at his hotel that evening, and he will sleep at Schellenberg's. This gives Zahov time to go through Schellenberg's belongings, then find and doctor his passport to suit himself.

The next day, after drugging Schellenberg, Zahov learns the details of Schellenberg's rendezvous and impersonates him at the meeting. Zahov is taken to be Schellenberg, and is brought on board a ship docked at the harbour.

I must admit that I found this middle section of the book to be the best. As 07 is virtually absent, and the story concentrates on Avakoum Zahov's investigation and manipulation of Schellenberg, rather than maligning the James Bond character, the story becomes a simple but entertaining spy adventure. This is the way it should be – but alas, there's still a third on the novel to come, and 07 is back in Gulyashki's sights.

Indeed Zahov's hunch is right, and he ends up on the ship as it sets sail for whereabouts unknown with 07, Troffimov and Natalia Nikolaevna. But strangely, Troffimov and Nikolaevna do not truly realise that they have been kidnapped. You see, the ship has a high-tech radio device on board. When somebody sends out a message, it can come back to a smaller hidden radio device, also on the boat. This 'secret' radio can then return a message, pretending to be another radio contact. I know that's hard to make sense of, but here's how it worked. When Troffimov and Nikolaevna first awoke on the ship, they believed they had been kidnapped. 07 convinces them otherwise by allowing them to contact Moscow on the radio. They send their message but it doesn't really go to Moscow. It circles around to the small radio, where it is decoded. Now, pretending to be Moscow, the small radio then sends back a message saying that all is well and 07 can be trusted.

During the ocean voyage, there is a strange passage where Zahov writes the events of the day (in invisible ink, no less) into his diary. And instead of reading the story, we are now reading Zahov's diary. This results in the story switching from being told in third person to first person.

Later Zahov uses the hidden radio to trick 07. 07 is supposed to order the ship to sail to Capetown, but Zahov sneaks into the hidden radio room, and pretends to be passing on new orders from NATO. He has 07 order the ship to the Antarctic.

Gulyashki continues to present 07 as stupid and cruel. Obviously he is stupid for falling for the radio ruse, a ploy that he in fact instigated. 07 is also presented as a cruel brute when he has his valet tortured (cigarettes stubbed out on his neck), and then hung from the mast for eveybody to see.

As the ship moves further south, it gets caught in the ice and eventually the hull is pierced. The ship sinks, but not before 07 has dragged Troffimov and Nikolaevna onto the ice pack.

Naturally Zahov also escapes from the ship, just before it disappears beneath the sea. On the ice, the weather is deadly. Somehow, Zahov manages to find 07 and the others, and he uses his skills to save them (even 07). He builds an igloo, and kills a seal for food and heat. But before the ship sank, 07 had radioed for an Icebreaker to meet them. Equally Zahov had radioed for an aeroplane to meet them. With rescue from both sides, 07 and Zahov face off to take control. This results in a wrestling match on the ice.

Some other reviews suggest that Zahov doesn't kill 07 in the end. I beg to differ. Zahov forces 07 over the edge of a hundred foot crevasse. I guess Gulyashki doesn't describe 07's death, and there is a miniscule chance that he survives, but really, the intention is to KILL 07.

The Soviet plane reaches Zahov, Troffimov and Nikolaevna first. They climb on board and fly to safety. World peace is restored.

FROM THE BACK COVER
Avakoum Zahov
His name was whispered with dread in the spy centres of the West.
Zahov?
Who was he?

The daring exploits of Agent 07 are well known to readers in the Western countries.

BUT WHO KNOWS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY?

How do the Communists view the renowned British agent and his anti-espionage adventures?

We find out in this exciting story by Bulgaria's bestselling author, Andrei Gulyashki, the creator of Avakoum Zahov, top agent for Department B, a gentle, perceptive, educated man of good taste and great charm who has a passion for archaeology and Mozart and who sees 07 as a sinister threat to world security.

In the final struggle between the world's greatest Secret Agents-one must lose. And the loser must pay the penalty for defeat!

AVAKOUM ZAHOV – BULGARIA'S TOP AGENT MATCHES WITS WITH HIS WESTERN COUNTERPART – THE INFAMOUS 07.

ANDREI GULYASHKI was born in Bulgarska Rakovitsa village, district of Koula, in 1914. He participated actively in the resistance movement. Took up writing in 1931. He worked as editor for the newspapers "Rabotnichesko Delo" and "Otechestven Front," the magazines "Septemvri" and "Plamuk" and is Director of the National Theatre in Sofia at present. Twice awarded Dimitrov Prize, the highest honor for works of literature and science in his country.


The writing in Avakoum Zarhov Versus 07 is very clunky and sometimes I had to read a paragraph again to work out it’s meaning. I am sure that this is due primarily to the translation from the original Slavic language. Some translations appear to be quite literal. Mr. Gulyashki could not possibly be such a poor writer. In some sentences it even appears that words have been omitted. Hardly the worst transgression, but to give you an idea, here’s a passage from the book.

“The man in the white overalls ordered from the dais and now his voice was unusually excited...”

Now I am hardly an expert on language, but surely replacing ‘ordered’ with ‘shouted his orders’ or even ‘commanded’ would read much more smoothly.

Avakoum Zarhov Versus 07 also features a lot of purple prose. A few highlights from the first few pages include:

‘The black asphalt flowed furiously against him, ...”

‘...the rye moved like a swishing sea of gold.’

‘...along the yellow flagstones glittering like a golden river...’

‘Fresh and alive with green leaves, the morning sun streamed into his room...’

I have nothing against good descriptive writing. But in this novel almost every page is littered with clumsy coloured descriptions. Maybe they’d be okay if they flowed with the story, but they are really incongruous. This criticism may be due to the translation, and then again it may be a case of trying too hard to be swinging ‘sixties’. The kaleidoscope of colours is off the chart.

So there it is. Avakoum Zarhov Versus 07 may be one of the rarest books in the Bond canon, but it certainly isn't one of the best. Apart from the clumsiness of the writing, the book is as Vladislav Pavlov stated above, a Soviet propaganda piece. The Bond character is not presented in a positive light. He is a brutish, sleazy thug, without an ounce of style or class.

The book is a curio at best. For Bond fans I can understand the curiosity and the fascination with it; hey, I am right there with you. But hopefully this review will have dispelled some of the myths surrounding the book. It isn't that good.

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posted by David at | 8 Comments


Sunday, February 17, 2008

James Bond: Sewell Versus Ogilvy

For You Eyes Only
Penguin Books 2002

Live And Let Die
Listen For Pleasure / Music For Pleasure 1984

Here’s a quick observation, rather than a full blown review. As I spend most of my working day in front of a computer, quite often at the end of the day, my eyes are pretty shot. Sometimes I cannot even watch television or read a book. My eyes simply need time to rest. Usually I just turned down the lights and put on a CD. But recently I have discovered audio books. At first, I was pretty reticent about purchasing an audio book. To me it seemed like a product aimed at old people that could no longer focus. But I relented and picked up the Penguin edition of For Your Eyes Only, read by Rufus Sewell.

I wont go into a review of the story, Keith has already tackled that. For those that want a refresher Click here.

Needless to say, I quite enjoyed revisiting the Bond stories, albeit in a different way. I enjoyed it enough to think about obtaining a few more Bond titles. But rather than buying them from a bookshop, I though I’d check what was on ebay. A local vendor was selling three audio books from the early 1980’s, read by Ian Ogilvy.

Now this may be a stupid thing to say, because it had never occurred to me. I never thought that audiobooks would get updated like a paperback. Just as there are reprints of your favourite books, there are re-recordings of your favourite books in audio format.

Naturally I put in my bid on ebay and won. A week later my new acquisitions arrived. The first book I tackled was Live And Let Die (which happens to be my favourite Bond Story). Once again, for those who want a refresher, click here for Keith’s review.

No offence to Mr. Sewell, after all, I had quite enjoyed his rendition of For Your Eyes Only, but compared to Ian Ogilvy, he’s a crap story teller. I was stunned at the difference. Ogilvy has a rich powerful baritone voice. His reading has a power that was missing in Sewell’s reading. Ogilvy excels at the men’s voices, and American accents. Whereas Sewell, is quite good at European accents and the female characters.

Taking that a step further, your enjoyment of an audiobook can be improved or diminished by the reader. If you were to go to Amazon and enter a search for James Bond Audiobooks, quite a list comes back. An equally large selection of readers is available to choose from to. Therein lies the dilemma. Who do you pick? Do you find one reader and stick with that guy (or gal as in the case with The Spy Who Loved Me)? Or do you spread yourself around and sample as many readers and voices as possible?

I must admit, I don't have the answers...but it is food for thought, next time you are in your favourite bookstore and you spy an old classic as an Audiobook.

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posted by David at | 3 Comments


Sunday, February 10, 2008

Ratcatcher

James McGee, Harper Collins (2006)

You don’t send a gentleman to catch vermin. You send Hawkwood.

Ratcatcher while being quite enjoyable is a ‘Goldfinger’ book. Have you ever watched Goldfinger? Have you noticed that James Bond doesn’t really do anything. He falls into nearly every trap, and in the end, one of the other characters (Pussy Galore) saves the day. Okay, Bond was the catalyst for Pussy’s change of allegiances, but really Bond didn’t do to much. That brings us to Ratcatcher by James McGee.

Ratcatcher is a historical adventure novel set in London, during the early 1800’s. The hero of the story is a Bow Street Runner (an early policeman) called Matthew Hawkwood. Hawkwood appears to be almost an extension of Bernard Cromwell’s Sharpe character (I am sure many of you have read some of the Sharpe novels, or at least seen some of the tele-movies starring Sean Bean as Sharpe). Hawkwood’s history appears to be almost identical to the Sharpe stories – previously he was a military man – a good ‘thinking’ officer, but he is ordered to do something stupid by a superior officer who is a buffoon that comes from a life of wealth and privilege. This causes conflict and Hawkwood is dishonourably discharged. If you can imagine if Sharpe became a Bow Street Runner, then you’ve got Hawkwood.

The story starts with the highway robbery and murder of a naval courier. Hawkwood is assigned to find out why, and retrieve the missing papers. As this is a historical novel, this leads him to all the extremes of this era. He gets to attend a Grand Ball, meet a gorgeous lady named Catherine de Varesne, and shag her. Unfortunately his encounter with de Varesne also gets him into a pistol duel with the son of a wealthy Lord.

The story also sends him into seedy dens packed with cut-throats. One of these cut-throats happens to be Nathaniel Jago, who previously was a soldier under Hawkwood’s command. Even though, now they are on opposite sides of the law they team up to sort out the puzzle.

Towards the end the story moves into ‘Tin Tin’ or ‘Biggles’ territory. Not that that is a bad thing. This is where the story picks up pace and becomes solid entertainment. Following the clues, Hawkwood and Jago discover a plot by the dastardly French to kill the Prince Of Wales. This involves a new invention (or secret weapon, if you prefer) called a submarine.

Earlier I mentioned that Ratcatcher was a ‘Goldfinger’ book. That’s because Hawkwood falls into more traps than he sets. Sure, it’s his intervention that stops the evil plan succeeding, but really he doesn’t do as much as I had hoped at the outset. I wanted a bit more swashbuckling. The pistol duel was a good sequence, but it needed more. But despite my little digs or grievances with the story, and the character, Ratcatcher was never meant to be a piece of high art. It is meant to be fun, and on that level it really succeeds. It is very enjoyable, and I for one, am looking forwards to Matthew Hawkwoods next adventure.

Ratcatcher is the first in a series of books featuring Matthew Hawkwood. The second, The Resurrectionists is available now, and Rapscallion should be available in June 2008.

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posted by David at | 0 Comments